6. The Wabbit and the Shabby Market

The scene gave way to a very shabby market indeed. Lapinette paused to scrabble but the Wabbit strode forward with purposeful expression. "Serviceable van here," he said, "it's small but properly marked." Lapinette looked round. "It's probably for moving things around, Wabbit." The Wabbit was skeptical. "On an asteroid?" The Wabbit looked around the rest of the market. "A load of old tat," he said. Lapinette laughed. "I thought you liked that." The Wabbit shook his head. "To a limit," He wasn't so happy, but he searched and searched anyway, coming up with next to nothing. "Seems to still be Christmas here," he said. "They might have wanted to liven it up," replied Lapinette. "It needs it," scoffed the Wabbit. He looked at the van again. "How much do you think they want for it?" Lapinette was looking at an old chair. "About a fiver," she said. The Wabbit nodded. He took five QUID out of his fur and laid it on a nearby shelf. Then he jumped inside the van. "The keys are still in it." He started the van and everything shook. Lapinette waved the fumes aside. "You can't take the van," she said. "Why not?" said the Wabbit. He put his foot on the throttle and it started to move. "I forbid you to take the van," said Lapinette. The Wabbit gave up and jumped out. But the van didn't stop. It rolled past Lapinette and out of the doors, into space. "I told you," said Lapinette. The Wabbit watched it go. "It's going about its appointed rounds," he observed, "Maybe it's 2020 GT." "QG," said Lapinette.

[ "A car-size asteroid flew within 1,830 miles of Earth over the weekend, the closest pass ever. We didn't see it coming."]

5. The Wabbit and the Bony Auctioneer

The Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves in an auction room with windows looking out into space. At the front was a skeleton. The Wabbit knew him. His name was Spieler and he travelled across galaxies in order to lie, cheat and swindle. The Wabbit hid round a corner and took out his automatic. Lapinette pranced into the theatre and danced to his stream of sales talk. "Super Crazy Prices, no crazier then here," shouted the Spieler. Lapinette yelled "Yay," and danced some more. "What can I sell the cute little lady in the tartan frock?" smiled the Spieler. "What'ya got?" responded Lapinette. She threw her hands in the air in the manner of a Highland Fling. The Spieler smiled. "I got asteroids, planets, nebulas. clusters. I got whole galaxies for less than a pack of peas." Lapinette laughed. "What about the whole universe?" The Spieler wasn't fazed at all. "Buy it from me and you'll be the sexiest rabbit in it!" The Wabbit had heard enough. He stepped out and pointed his automatic. "That's it, you faker. I'm arresting you for phony boney baloozy." The Spieler made his way to stand in front of the Wabbit. "You're out of your jurisdiction, Commander." He placed a bony finger on the muzzle of the automatic and added, "Or my names not Boney Maroney." He turned to walk back. The Wabbit fired. The Spieler kept walking, turning back once to raise a single digit. Then everything vanished. The auction room was the barest place you could imagine ...

4. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Crazy Prices

The Wabbit and Lapinette made their way down.  It was ornate but heavily faded and the stairway creaked and cracked with every step they took. Lapinette didn't seem to care whereas the Wabbit was amused. A stencilled sign flashed at them and the recorded voice started again. "Super crazy. Crazy crazy crazy. Every one of our prices is super crazy." Water dripped down the walls with a steady drip drip drip. "Thinking of buying something?" asked the Wabbit. "I won't know until I get there," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled again because he usually had something in mind. The lights flickered and returned to life. "I was looking for a multi-headed electrical thing," said the Wabbit. The lights dimmed again. Lapinette didn't reply because she was ferreting. "Maybe a good set of tools to repair these stairs," said the Wabbit. "Tell the landlord," said Lapinette. She moved downwards into the gloom. The Wabbit followed on. They could see a large warehouse. It was filled with what the Wabbit could only describe as bric-a-brac and grotty tat. The Wabbit took one look and turned to go. "I've seen enough," he said. He hunched his shoulders and stuck a paw in his fur. "We've come this far," said Lapinette, "there may be something ultra valuable here." The Wabbit stifled a giggle. "We'll be rich beyond our wildest dreams." Lapinette bent to look at something. "What's this?" The Wabbit bent down to look - and at that moment the stairs collapsed flat and he tumbled the rest of the way. "That got me down," he said. "Stairway to heaven?" quipped Lapinette. "That's the other way," grumbled the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Market in Space

The asteroid was worth investigating. It was going the same way at the same speed and it seemed improper not to. They were still in Lattice Drive so Quantum set up a tether and off they went. They scrambled over the asteroid and they found nothing interesting until they came to what looked like a cave. The Wabbit hesitated on the edge but Lapinette looked inside. A light came on. An arrow lit up. A sign pulsed and the sign said Market. It says "Market," said Lapinette. "Yes," said the Wabbit, "but what kind of a market is it?" As if in answer, a recorded voice started to shout. "Super Crazy Prices, you won't get lower. Shop at Super Crazy Prices, for all your planetary needs." It wouldn't stop and repeated several times. Lapinette didn't hesitate. "It might stop if we go in and buy something." She grinned and disappeared, The Wabbit followed. The message got louder. Lights came on. Inside was a cavern of goods on sale at super crazy prices. The message changed. "Today we have special offers on illuminating white mice. An absolute bargain at 5 QUID each. Surround yourself with mice light. Protection from all forms of adversity guaranteed." The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "White mice?" Lapinette laughed. "White mice have long cared for interplanetary travellers." The Wabbit looked quizzical but the voice boomed again. "Dark clouds of misfortune dispelled by our jolly jujus at super crazy prices!" Lapinette looked round. "Make a purchase?" The Wabbit didn't like the sound of it. But he dug in his fur for some space currency ... 

[QUID: Quasi Universal Intergalactic Denomination]

2. The Wabbit and the Object in Space

The Wabbit persuaded Lapinette he knew of a much better market but it was a bit of a hike. Soon they sat aboard Quantum the Time Travelling Train with the Wabbit in charge. Kepler 186-f was an M Class planet and was only around 500 light years away. The Wabbit had heard it boasted some of the best markets in the Milky Way - but how much of that was tittle tattle he had little idea. The Wabbit tried to set coordinates but Quantum was ahead of him. With a blast of hot gases, he was off. It was all for show, because Quantum emitted little in the way of gases. With hardly any motion at all, Quantum engaged lattice drive. The Wabbit leaned back in his seat as they flashed through space. "Just a little jaunt," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was amused. "A spin?" she asked, "I hope you packed a picnic basket." The Wabbit tapped a hamper beside him. "Just in case we get hungry," he said. The speaker system crackled. "Better prepare for evasive action Commander," said Quantum, "we have a rogue asteroid in our path." The Wabbit was confused but Quantum anticipated his confusion. "It's also travelling at lattice speed, Commander." It was highly unusual. Quantum said as much as he sidestepped the asteroid and booted his engines to maximum. Soon the asteroid disappeared, but just as quickly reappeared on the starboard side. "I can't shake him," said Quantum. "Is there any immediate danger?" asked Lapinette. "No," responded Quantum in an annoyed voice. "Just leave him then," said Lapinette. Quantum chuckled. "I believe we have no crater enemy."

1. The Wabbit and the Unobtainable Item.

The Wabbit caught up with Lapinette at the Crocetta Market where she was totally absorbed in shopping. "Don't like that one," she muttered, "Oh, but that one's nice." The Wabbit paused for a while and listened, smiling to himself. Lapinette could spend all morning at Crocetta Market. Sometimes she bought a mass of things and sometimes nothing at all. The Wabbit was totally different and there wasn't much there for the likes of the Wabbit. No unobtainable jazz albums, no small tools that he could keep in his fur. Just ladies clothes. The Wabbit crept behind a nearby stand and watched her. He decided to play a joke. Dropping his voice to an audible whisper he hissed, "I am the Ghost of Crocetta Market and I command you to buy the largest hat you see." Lapinette didn't turn a hair. "I can see you Wabbit, you're reflected in a mirror." The Wabbit effected disappointment. "Found anything nice?" he said. "I found Bix Beiderbecke's debut album, playing with the Wolverines," said Lapinette. "That's impossible!" replied the Wabbit. Lapinette laughed a quiet laugh. The Wabbit half turned as if to go and find it - but turned back. "You're joking me," he said. "I am!" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit watched her as she continued shopping. "I feel a new adventure coming on," he said. "That's nice," said Lapinette. She continued shopping. "Monsters galore!" continued the Wabbit. "There's a nice jacket here with monsters on the front," murmured Lapinette. The Wabbit pretended excitement. "It's a start."

[When Bix Beiderbecke played with the Wolverines, a 78rpm record had an insufficient 3 minute play time]

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The gang all met up at Luigi's famous restaurant to discuss what kind of adventure they just had. Skratch was early for once and he led the discussion. "I must say that was an excellent example of a mystery." Wabsworth appeared puzzled. "What, no semiotics, Monsieur Skratch?" Skratch meaowed, "I was getting to that. It was realism, perception and truth." Lapinette stifled a grin. "What, all three at the one time?" Skratch paused. "The box is a robust sign, and its real purpose is to open the gates of the unconscious." The Wabbit was desperate to get started. "Thus entering the realms of obscurity, meaningless and chaos?" Lapinette waved her arms. "Only partially, because it was a battle between good and evil." Wabsworth chimed in. "Yes, we wouldn't want psychology to destroy the mystery of magic." Lapinette tut tutted, shook her head and continued. "Yet, the story was deeply symbolic. I couldn't help thinking of Pandora's Box. When you opened the box, all evil flew out - but there was hope left inside." "I shouldn't have thrown it away then!" said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "I think the box will get on just fine on its own. Zeus will look after it. There's no way to escape the will of Zeus." Skratch was very happy with this. "That box represents your unconscious, Wabbit." Wabsworth wanted the last word. "And no matter how complex the box's decorations, it's symbolic worth lies in what it contains. To open it - is to take a risk." The Wabbit thought for a minute. "Any risk of a drink round here?" 

6. The Wabbit disposes of the Box

The Wabbit took the box to the river to get rid of it. On the way he met Lapinette, who wasn't aware of the story. "Oh, what a nice box," she said. "Does it open?" The Wabbit was aghast. "I'm getting rid of it," he yelled. Lapinette didn't understand so the Wabbit gritted his teeth. "It's jinxed," he said. "You should dispose of it environmentally," answered Lapinette. The Wabbit prepared to throw the box. "You can't dispose of jinxes environmentally. It's going in the river." The Wabbit always pronounced it rivaaaah when he was annoyed. "What kind of jinx is it?" enquired Lapinette. The Wabbit's arms came back as he prepared to jettison the box. "It's a pain in the neck, insect jinx," he said, "If I don't get rid of it, the thing will hang around." The Wabbit threw the box with all his strength. It summersaulted once and landed in the water. Then slowly it began to move down river towards Venice. Lapinette looked sorry. "That's a shame, it's a pretty box." The Wabbit put his paws on his hips. "Pretty is as pretty does." Lapinette watched the box. The waves lapped around it. "Whatever does that mean?" she asked. "I've no idea," shrugged the Wabbit. Waves swept the box back and towards the Wabbit. "Maybe the jinx has washed away," ventured Lapinette. Just then a voice came from the box. "I'll be back, and I'll get you, Wabbit!" Lapinette put her paws in the water and tried to wash it into the middle of the river. "What an unpleasant box." The Wabbit laughed. "So, will you take the money or open the box?" There was no hesitation. "The money," said Lapinette.

5. The Wabbit and the Dragonfly's Flight

The Wabbit waited because he knew about insects. If they flew out of the window, everyone was happy. But then they'd fly in again. He waited. Nothing happened. He thought he'd get some height and he climbed on the chandelier. He kept a close eye on the window, and he heard it before he saw it. The flapping of gossamer wings heralded the arrival of the strange dragonfly. It flew in the window and up to the roof. That was what the Wabbit wanted. He launched himself from the chandelier and nearly grasped the dragonfly, but it was crafty. It twisted away and the Wabbit twisted after it. He got a wing then lost it. He tried again. He managed to get a hold on its body and together they crashed downwards. "Get back in the box!" he yelled. "Can't make me unless you ask me properly," shouted the dragonfly. They spiralled down together. The Wabbit tried to think of different ways of saying it. "Please get back in the box." No effect. "Return to the box." The Wabbit was desperate. The dragonfly shook its head. The floor loomed. "Box in go," tried the Wabbit. The dragonfly laughed. They hit the floor and rolled and rolled. The Wabbit kept his grip. "Obey my command, get in the box." The dragonfly lost all its spirit. It dragged itself to the box and crawled inside. The box snapped shut. The Wabbit sighed with relief. He could hear a faint voice from inside. "You haven't heard the last of this, wascally Wabbit." The Wabbit grinned the weakest of grins and he made sure the box was fastened down. "You have to think outside the box."

4. The Wabbit and the Faulty Return

The Wabbit and Wabsworth agreed that the safest course of action was to take the box back, then keep an eye on it to see what transpired. That was a double bonus - because it was originally the museum's problem and any difficulties would accrue to the museum. So the Wabbit retraced his steps. But he couldn't help poking and prodding it. He was just built that way. There was another compartment in the top and he fiddled with the rings surrounding a strange looking iris. Without warning there was a hiss, the compartment opened and out sped a creature with beating wings. Although the Wabbit tried to catch it, it was much too quick for him. His paws swiped right and left but came nowhere near the beast. The Wabbit sensed trouble. He looked around. It settled on a horse's head and sat very still. But when the Wabbit approached, the creature - it looked like a dragonfly - flew up and off. The Wabbit was patient. He set the box down and stalked the creature. After about twenty minutes he managed to capture it in his paws. "You have trapped me," it said, "and now I must grant you a wish." There was something sly about its tone. The Wabbit shook his head and made his way back to the box. "Please don't put me back in the box," said the dragonfly. The Wabbit had heard it all before and he carefully opened the iris. He was about to put the dragonfly back when it bit him, and he dropped the box. The dragonfly made for an open window, and before the Wabbit could do anything it had gone. "That's torn it," muttered the Wabbit ...

3. Wabsworth and the Secrets of the Box

The Wabbit met Wabsworth in a Caffè which purported to have the best sandwiches around - and there, the Wabbit presented his find to Wabsworth. He handed it over with a smile and Wabsworth examined it top to bottom. But it was as he got to the bottom that the box slid from his grasp. The Wabbit was surprised because Wabsworth was an android and had never let anything slip from his grasp. The box jumped in the air, landed on a table and bounced upwards, breaking into segments. The segments hovered in the air, moving round and round until the Wabbit was dizzy. Wabsworth watched carefully. One segment formed an inner compartment and two floating keys locked into place. "Gotcha," said Wabsworth. He grasped both keys at the same time and twisted them - one way then the other. The segments stopped spiralling and became still. The box began to open. The Wabbit squinted at what appeared to be an empty space. "There's nothing in it!" he exclaimed. "Don't be so sure," said Wabsworth, "Nothing about this box is normal." The Wabbit jumped up and down. He desperately wanted it to be a great discovery. But he could smell fish and chips. "Are you thinking about food?" he asked. "Yes, fish and chips," said Wabsworth. "So maybe the box will reflect what we think about," murmured the Wabbit. He thought about sausage and broccoli and suddenly it was there on the table. Wabsworth turned the keys back, grabbed all the bits and reassembled them. "It could be dangerous," he said. "Think and eat?" said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Magic Box

The Wabbit paused on the way out because he couldn't resist a closer look at the box. He needed better light, so he hopped up on a ledge by a window and pulled it from his fur. It was a strange looking affair - roughly square but not quite. And there was a device on the front that looked like a knob. The Wabbit fiddled with it. Nothing happened.  He turned it upside down and shook it - but to little effect. The knob clicked round and round - but didn't open the box. He looked closer. There were numbers etched on the side. "A combination lock," hissed the Wabbit. He was secretly thrilled with his find. A box was one thing but a box he couldn't open was another. He made a few attempts starting with 000. To the Wabbit's knowledge, all combination locks had a row of zeros as a default. There was no result. The Wabbit tapped the box and then gave it a good whack. Nothing. "This needs an expert," he thought. For a moment he tried to think who that expert might be but there was only one - Wabsworth. Since Wabsworth was an android, he reasoned, finding the combination would be a piece of cake. For a moment he could smell a sweet cake which he particularly liked. "Panettone," he murmured. Then the smell was gone. "Curious," he thought, "but I'd rather have Rum Baba." For just a second the smell of Rum Baba wafted through the air. In fact, he could almost taste it. "This needs looking into," he said to himself. The smell hung in the air and then vanished. His stomach rumbled and he tried to drag the top from the box. It resisted all efforts to open. "Grrr," he said, "I don't employ an android for nothing." Then he vanished in search of Wabsworth. 

1. The Wabbit's find, high up in the Dome

The Wabbit was at a loose end and he decided he'd potter in the Royal Museum. As usual he decided to go somewhere he wasn't really allowed. He spotted ladders - so he climbed high up into the dome and edged his way along the scaffolding. Repairs were in progress and he watched the workers. Their patient work would ensure everything stayed together as it was supposed to. The Wabbit knew it wouldn't do to have things fall on his head. He grinned in satisfaction. Things were in progress and while the workers were concentrating, there was always the chance of finding something interesting. He looked at every nook and cranny. Nothing much except the dust of ages. He tried to recall when he'd last visited. "I think it was 2011," he mused to himself. Lapinette was in hospital and he'd prowled the length and breadth of Turin in search of stuff to do. And he'd certainly found it. He smiled to himself and edged out a little further to look at the scene below. Workers scurried back and forth carrying materials. It was then he noticed something in a corner, something that had been discarded. No-one seemed to care. It looked in danger of being discarded so the Wabbit thought he'd better secure it. The corner was difficult to access but he persevered. He stretched out a paw. The object looked like a box with serrated sides. He tried to open it, but it was complicated. So he tucked the box into his fur and made his way down. He nodded to the workers on his way past. "Everything all right Commander?" said the foreman. The Wabbit shoved the box further into his fur. "Perfectly hunky dory," he smiled. "Tip top," said the foreman ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

Far from Rome, at a Caffè in Sal Salvario, the team gathered to discuss the recent adventure. Skratch the Cat was late as usual. As he scrabbled his way onto the remaining seat, the Wabbit asked him the question, "What was that for a sort of Adventure we just had?" Skratch meaowed a massive meow. "It resembles others I've seen - but with one distinguishing feature." They waited with baited breath. "It had an anti-war vibe right in the middle. In that respect it is an anti-war story." Wabsworth grinned and rapped the table. "There's no such thing as an anti-war story in my opinion." Lapinette was sceptical. "You are misquoting Truffaut. He said that to show something was to ennoble it." Wabsworth shrugged as if he'd proved his point. The Wabbit decided to contribute. "So the officer's noble grunt was just another way of ennobling war?" Skratch held up a paw. "War can be represented as spectacle, the eerie display of soldiers up to their waist in snow and the determination of the soldiers to advance. That is ennobling too." Lapinette demanded attention. "No one asked about the stripped-down buildings that provided our rather inhospitable destination." Wabsworth's memory banks whirred. "Guy Debord would have appreciated it." "Ah yes," said the Wabbit, "The Situationists may have recognised industrial set design." Skratch smiled and meaowed, "Paulo Ventura might have said something about that too." "Since he designed it," laughed Lapinette. "He designed it," said the Wabbit, "but he's never actually been there!" "I didn't see a bar there," said Wabsworth. "More's the pity," laughed the Wabbit. "We would have stayed longer."

8. The Wabbit and Sideways Home

Lapinette got into the car, slammed the door and switched on the heater. "Brrr," she said, "Let's go home." The Wabbit was cold too. He turned the heater up to maximum. Lapinette looked at the adapted gear lever. "Which way?" The Wabbit didn't have a clue but he suggested the other way from before. "Opposite direction, sideways," he said. Lapinette crashed the lever over. The car shimmered and shook. Then it warped in a lateral direction. They felt the pressure. Then it was gone and they sailed over the rooftops. The Wabbit looked down. Colours changed, but the sea continued to crash silently on a long- forgotten beach. "What was that place?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit pondered while he gazed and then he said, "It's not a place, it's a different space. We inhabited it for a while. Now it's gone." Lapinette sat in the driver's seat but there was nothing to do but wait for the car to make its journey home. "It's a relaxing drive," she said, "but I'm looking forward to an aperitivo in a proper city." "Why don't we have one here and another when we get there," smiled the Wabbit. He fished a hip flask from his fur and handed in to Lapinette. "I come prepared," he grinned. Lapinette lifted the flask to her lips and took a hearty swallow. "Chilled Aperol Spritz," she murmured, "my favourite. What time do we get back?" "Same as when we left according to Dr Strangeglove," replied the Wabbit. They progressed through various colours. Suddenly the scene cleared. They were staring at the Rome traffic - and before long they were parked outside the Pasticceria Siciliana Svizzera. "Happy Birthday!" said the Wabbit. 

7. The Wabbit and War and Peace

The Wabbit and Lapinette made their way to street level but what they found surprised even them. An army moved slowly along the street sinking deeper and deeper into snow. It made a sound - as if it was a slowed down recording. The Wabbit saluted because that was demanded by protocol. Lapinette followed suit. One of the officers turned to look and spoke to the Wabbit. It sounded slurred and unintelligible to Lapinette but the Wabbit had a universal translator and the sound fed through it, becoming almost normal. The voice asked why they were there. The Wabbit replied that they came by coach to have a look. He whispered in Lapinette's ear. "It looks like stage set from Erwin Piscator." Lapinette nodded. "He worked with Brecht you know," added the Wabbit. Lapinette nodded again. The Wabbit was knowledgeable in that department. "What war is this?" He addressed the officer directly but the answer was a long time coming back. "Napoleonic," he replied. They looked bitterly cold. The officer spoke again. He was shivering in the freezing temperature. "Are you from the future?" "Sort of, but not as you might think," replied the Wabbit. The atmosphere cut through him like a knife and the Wabbit shivered too despite his fur. "Will we be victorious?" asked the officer. "Winter is coming, worse than this," replied the Wabbit and he shook his head sadly. The officer shrugged and raised his hand in farewell. "War is Hell," he said and moved on. The Wabbit and Lapinette saluted once more and the army moved slowly past. I'm freezing," said Lapinette, "let's go back to our coach." Then together they climbed back to the roof ...

[I am indebted to Paulo Ventura and his excellent exhibition in Turin Photo Museum. The exhibition is extended into this year.]

6. The Wabbit and the Flat Roof

Lapinette set the car down. "You don't call this car by his old name?" said Lapinette. "It's your car now, he needs a new name," replied the Wabbit, He got out of the car and strode to the parapet. "Radicchio," suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit looked back. "If you like," he said. He laughed for a minute because it was a funny name for a car. He looked over the edge. Lapinette joined him. Buildings stretched into the distance. Behind them the sea rolled out and in without a sound. "Someone's got to live here," said the Wabbit, "Someone pays the rent." Lapinette looked doubtful. "What would you set the rent at?" The Wabbit thought about it. "Tenement by the sea? A thousand euro." Lapinette gasped. "That's a bit steep." "Everything's a thousand euro now." insisted the Wabbit. Lapinette nodded sagely. Then she thought of something important. "What does Radicchio run on?" "Hydrogen," said the Wabbit, "so no worries. Then there's the anti-matter backup." Lapinette looked sceptical. "It's not to going to blow us all to Kingdom Come." "Not yet," replied the Wabbit. "Kingdom ain't coming for a bit." They both looked down into the empty streets below. "I thought I saw something move," said Lapinette. "So did I," said the Wabbit. "It looked like a flag." Like ghosts, a sea of flags moved through the silent streets. These flags didn't flutter but stayed quite rigid. "I don't like the look of this," said the Wabbit. "Better investigate," said Lapinette. "Could be fun," shrugged the Wabbit. "Is it safe to leave the car?" joked Lapinette. "It has an anti-theft device," responded the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit with horror. "It vaporises assailants," shrugged the Wabbit.
 

5. The Wabbit and the Place by the Sea

Lapinette left the control lever where it was as the vehicle lurched into a different land of colour. The car bent and warped and shimmered and shook as it progressed sideways through a spectrum they'd never seen before. The scene cleared and the car warped back into shape. There was an island. And on the island, there were buildings. Nothing looked quite right. They looked completely deserted, uninhabited, not as much as a mouse. The sea rolled incessantly. The island smelled of the tropics but there was no sound. All was silent. "Some place for a holiday," said Lapinette. "Peace and quiet," quipped the Wabbit. He was about to say you could lie on the beach - but there was no beach. They skimmed the rooftops looking for a place to land. Each terrace gave way to another terrace. "Getting tired of terraces," said the Wabbit. "Great to witness catastrophes from," grinned Lapinette. "That's a cheery yet privileged thought," replied the Wabbit, "This is a catastrophe waiting to happen," commented Lapinette. The Wabbit thought that was correct, but he didn't feel an answer was appropriate. Instead, he said, "It feels like ambush country!" Lapinette took a chance on the throttle and sped forward. "I see a flat roof over there." Lapinette edged round and down. "I think I can land the jalopy." The Wabbit looked all around for hostility. His ears twitched back and forward and to the side. There wasn't any sign of an ambush - or of anything. "Let's get this baby off the ground." Lapinette looked at all the switches on the dash. "I'm looking for one that says soft landings, flat roofs." The Wabbit smiled. "That's what Buzz Aldrin said."
 

4. The Wabbit and Lapinette meet Traffic

Lapinette shifted the lever sideways and the car went likewise. But then with enormous speed it burst into the traffic. It continued to slew sideways and they watched as everything passed. Things were fractured. They just missed a motorbike as the traffic went every which way. Lapinette tried to bring the lever back but it wouldn't budge. The Wabbit gritted his teeth. "Exciting," he murmured. Lapinette muttered something rude about the controls. With enormous effort she shifted the lever and it swung back to dead centre. They seemed to be at a standstill but the traffic came forward towards them and they moved with it. Lapinette wrestled the controls and managed to move it sideways but in the other direction. The car swung round and lifted a bit. The traffic was still fractured. "It's the first run," observed the Wabbit. "I thought you said the car travelled in time," said Lapinette. The Wabbit nodded at the traffic. It was going backwards now and they followed it. But the traffic diverged and the car came to a standstill. "It's looking for instructions," said the Wabbit. "I'll  give it binky instructions," growled Lapinette and she threw the lever forward. This time it engaged. Now the traffic seemed to be streamlined, and filaments attached to every vehicle. The car started to turn on its axis. The cockpit was so small that the Wabbit and Lapinette stayed more or less where they were - but they turned with the car. "Interesting," said the Wabbit. "Very," said Lapinette through gritted teeth. The car continued to turn until the traffic blurred into a single colour. They made their way backwards through the colour, then  left the colour behind. "Where are we now?" asked Lapinette. "The Other Side?" replied the Wabbit. 

3. The Wabbit and Lap's Birthday

 

The Wabbit brought Lapinette to St Peter's Square and there was no need for subterfuge. The car was in place by kind permission of ex Cardinal Lapin. He always authorised Bond movies so he could hardly turn the Wabbit down. "New car, Wabbit?" she asked. "It's yours," said the Wabbit, "Happy Birthday!" Lapinette looked at the car, "Haven't I seen this before?" The Wabbit grinned his widest grin. "Modified," he whispered. Lapinette took a step back. "You shouldn't have!" "It was nothing," said the Wabbit. He looked at the ground. Lapinette jumped up and down. "No, I really mean you shouldn't have. Your modifications are well known." The Wabbit tried to set her mind at rest. "Doctor Strangeglove did the whole thing," "That's reassuring," she replied - with more than a hint of sarcasm. Lap walked round the car and came back. "How do I get in?" The Wabbit shrugged. "With a little bit of difficulty. You lean back, swivel and drag your ears in behind you. I'll climb in after you," "Cosy," said Lapinette. She placed her paws on her hips and waited. "One other thing," said the Wabbit, "It travels in time." Lapinette leaped in the air. "I knew it!" Nonetheless, she eased the gullwing doors up and got inside. The Wabbit crammed in after her. "What's that lever for? "she asked. "Forward for the future, back for the past," replied the Wabbit. "And sideways?" Lapinette was interested at last. "Better not to push it sideways," said the Wabbit, "It's still at the developmental stage," But it was too late, Lap pushed the lever. The car wheels turned silently on the wet cobbles and it crept sideways. "It doesn't do much," said Lapinette. Suddenly there was a blinding flash ...

2. The Wabbit and Strangeglove's Machine

Doctor Strangeglove called the Wabbit to see what he'd done. He'd been working in the Wabbit's shed to build a surprise present for Lapinette's birthday and the Wabbit was on tenterhooks to see it. The Wabbit was surprised. "That's Wab!" he yelled. "Oh Wabbit, I found it under some covers in a corner and adapted it. I hoped you wouldn't mind." The Wabbit was a bit embarrassed. He'd borrowed it in 2011 for a race and quite forgot to give it back. He thought about it for a bit and decided if they hadn't asked for it back, they didn't really want it. "That's OK," he said, "We've improved it." Strangeglove smiled. "We certainly have. Under the bonnet is an anti matter unit of my own design." The Wabbit patted what passed for a bumper. "What about controls?" Strangeglove nodded his gloved head. "There are three main controls. Forward to the Future, Backward to the Past - and Sideways." The Wabbit was intrigued. "Where does Sideways go?" "I don't really know!" shrugged Strangeglove, "so better not touch it." The Wabbit looked alarmed but said nothing more about it. "It has inhospitable climate control," said Strangeglove and I also put in a make-up case and a fur drier." "Very wise," nodded the Wabbit. Then he noticed the bow. "That's a nice bow, I thought you didn't do bows." Strangeglove looked embarrassed. "I found that lying around too. I stuck it on, and it wouldn't come off." The Wabbit knew where it came from. It had been attached to a present given to him by Lapinette. "I suppose bows all look the same," he chuckled. He rubbed his paws together. "Now I have to find a way of getting Lapinette round here." Strangeglove laughed and laughed. "Just tell her it's surprise," he said. "She'll be suspicious," replied the Wabbit. Strangeglove drew himself up to his full height. "Send a red rose by courier pigeon." "That'll work," agreed the Wabbit. 

1. The Wabbit and the Emergency Present

The Wabbit was stuck. He'd left it too late to get a present for Lapinette's birthday and didn't know what to do. There were only a few days left and all the shops were shut. But he had an idea that it could be something technical, so he tracked down Doctor Strangeglove to his lair. "Pleased to see you Wabbit," said Strangeglove, "I was just tuning up this engine for the electrical people." Dr. Strangeglove was in ebullient mood. Let loose on anything electrical, he was very happy. The Wabbit explained his predicament. Strangeglove smiled. "You want it to be a surprise?" The Wabbit nodded his head but looked rueful. "I should have thought of it before."  Doctor Strangeglove paced up and down, thinking. "Something technical you say?" The Wabbit nodded. "Something she hasn't got already?" added Strangeglove. The Wabbit nodded with vigour, because that was the main problem. No matter what he thought of, Lapinette had it already. The Doctor came up with an idea. "A time machine?" The Wabbit was astonished. "You could get me a time machine?" "Of course," said Strangeglove. "By Friday?" asked the Wabbit. Dr Strangeglove thought for a minute then he nodded. "I could do it for Thursday evening if I have the designs." The Wabbit was sceptical - but Lapinette did not have a time machine. That he knew. "Will it go into the future and come back?" "Anyway you like," smiled the Doctor. The Wabbit asked his penultimate question. "Will it have a seat?" "Yes," said Strangeglove, "Two seats if you want." The Wabbit wondered how much he had in his dinosaur fund. "I can build it from scrap," said the Doctor. The Wabbit had one more question. "Can you gift wrap it?" "No, I'm not that good," said Strangeglove.

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

 

The Wabbit said he'd give everyone a surprise and took them to a Caffè he knew in Venice. It was very dry this year and they didn't have to wear Wellington boots - so Skratch was very pleased because he hated getting his feet wet. Lapinette and the Wabbit went ahead to order the drinks, because that was the way things worked. "Over there by the canal," said the Wabbit, "our drinks will be here in due course." Skratch was anxious to answer the question about the goings on with the letters and Wabsworth posed the question. "What on earth was that that for a sort of adventure?" Skratch was duty bound to respond. "It began as a satire about words and their meanings, but quickly changed to a discourse on the structure of words themselves." The Wabbit was disappointed. "Is that it?" Skratch meaowed a long and plaintive meow, "Certainly not. The discourse circulated around the power of the dictionary and, in essence, demonstrated that the letters had little power at all." Wabsworth grinned his android grin. "All the letters were caught in the dictionary's control of the word."  Skratch was on home territory. "And a word only has meaning as a place in a signifying chain." Lapinette laughed. "Stuck in a concatenation?" "At the station!" added the Wabbit. The rest all looked at him and groaned. "In other words it hardly mattered," said Wabsworth, "the lower cases and the upper cases are at the mercy of sound-images." The Wabbit wanted the last word. "They say the unconscious is structured like a language," Lapinette did get the last word. "Desire is therefore always left unsatisfied." "I desire my drink," said the Wabbit. Then they laughed and laughed and laughed.

7. The Wabbit inside the Word Drum

As they walked into the vast halls of Dictionary House, a door slammed behind them and things started to revolve. The gothic interior gave way to the clean lines of a washing machine and it started to fill. One by one, all the letters they'd met joined them and started to gyrate. Everything ran and colours shattered, merged and separated again. Lapinette's kilt turned into coloured arrows and swept across her face. Only the Wabbit seemed happy. He'd been twirled before, so he lay back and let the wash do its work. Capital A got very small then big again then small. The lower-case letters swam  in the exotic brew. Now they were bigger than the capitals and they seemed happy too. "What's happening?" yelled the A. "You're being decapitalised," laughed the Wabbit. The wash got more violent and everything swirled around. All of a sudden it stopped. Then it began to twirl the other way. The letters became the same size. "Give me back my kilt!" shouted Lapinette. The tartan became tartan again. Lapinette breathed a sigh of relief. Now that they were the same size, the lower-case letters smiled benevolently on Capital A. "Join us brother," they yelled, "Join us in the heady brew of language." The Capital A shrugged. "I may as well," he said. "I was getting tired of always being at the front. Perhaps I could be in the middle." Small b smiled. "Perhaps you could be at the back," he said. "That's OK," said A, "I've been rather stressed always beginning sentences." The Wabbit dried his fur by blowing on it. "Now that your all palsy-walsy, perhaps we could get out of this drum." The door swung open. The gothic halls beckoned. "So many letters, so little time," said Lapinette. "Always time for a drink," said the Wabbit. "How do you spell that," laughed Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit and Dictionary House

The Wabbit and Lapinette carried out painstaking research but found nothing. So they took with them a python list of dictionaries and went to Dictionary House. The House lay deep in the Bavarian Quarter, a little-known part of Turin. The python list was a way of finding things out but that was a far as the Wabbit could go. It was a collection of unordered values accessed by keys. They keys had to be hashable, floating point numbers, strings and tuples. When the Wabbit got to tuples he bowed out. Of course, Wabsworth would have known all about it - but the Wabbit was determined to sort the matter out himself. "You don't need that," said Lapinette. The Wabbit asked why not. "Because," replied Lapinette, "the answer isn't there." The Wabbit nodded gravely. "Of course," he said. He waited but Lapinette said nothing. "OK where is the answer?" said the Wabbit. "The answer is in common usage," said Lapinette. It was the Wabbit's turn to say nothing. He nodded as if he understood everything. "Many languages do not have capitals at all," said Lapinette. The Wabbit waited. "Arabic, Hebrew, Korean or Japanese" (The Wabbit understood all that.) "The matter is quite complex," continued Lapinette, "but the lower-case letters appear to be demanding an end to mixed text." The Wabbit shook his head. "I don't think anyone will agree to that, but I have an idea." Lapinette shrugged. "Everything will be in upper case but very small," said the Wabbit. "I've seen it done," said Lapinette, "but I don't think the Upper Cases will agree." The Wabbit thought for a while. "What about Studly Caps mixed case?" Lapinette snickered. "Like the hidden message in HoTMaiL? They might just go for it ... let's go inside and ask."
 [HoTMaiL: HTML]

5. The Wabbit and the Rumble Letters

The Wabbit and Lapinette chatted amiably to the letters and told them they would make a case for their demands. But as they passed along Via Nizza Capital A sprang out at them. He's acquired some wheels and so he'd made good speed down the redundant cycle lanes that had sprung up. He kicked the w to the side. "Oh you big bully!" yelled Lapinette. She tried pushing him but he wouldn't desist. He swept the o to the side and laid into the letter s with venom. The letter s was having none of it and he clattered the Capital A with a left jab. "You little fool, your no better than a snake," shouted Capital A. He tried to trip the s up, but only managed to stub his base on the sidewalk. The s bounced back. "Your tyranny ends here, you moron," he shouted. The s jabbed again and again. Ever watchful from the side, the letter b shouted in support. "Take that for your trouble," he screamed, "And that and that." Encouraged by Lapinette's push, the letter o came back fighting. He rolled over the Capital and ground his wheels until they were flat. The Wabbit hadn't got involved up until now. His role as peace maker seemed to be in danger so he strode into the midst. "Quieten down now, you letters." His voice as far from soothing, especially when the w accidentally hit him in the eye. The fight was becoming something more than a rumble but remained less than a donnybrook. So there was hope. Eventually the Wabbit and Lapinette managed to separate them. The Wabbit dabbed his eye. "You've have got to make an accommodation," he said, "Or you'll all be dead letters." Lapinette had her pad and pen at the ready. "I'll dash a note off to the dictionary people to see what they say." The Wabbit nodded. "Stay clear of four-letter words!" 

4. The Wabbit and the Lower Cases

The Wabbit and Lapinette strolled over to meet the lower cases and they were grumbling. The letter s addressed Lapinette directly. "What are the Capitals doing now?" It was the Wabbit who replied. "Capital A is coming to beat you up, but he's going to be some time." The other letters were waiting to cross the road and they all turned round. "We've had enough of being oppressed by the Capitals. We have the weight of numbers. We will defeat them." The letter b tapped the Wabbit on the leg. "I'm b," he said. "Pleased to meet you," said the Wabbit, "what would you like to be when you grow up?" The small letters were mortally offended. "We are all grown up and perfectly capable of making our way in the world!" Lapinette tried to smooth things over. "We only meant you were small." The letters talked amongst themselves then pushed the letter w forward. "Will you help us to draw up a list of our demands?" The Wabbit dug in his fur and took out a small notebook and a pen. "Please write it all in lower case," said the o. The Wabbit nodded gravely. "Firstly," said the w, "capitals are henceforth to come at the end of sentences." The rest piped up. "And all people names shall end in a capital and not begin it." They gathered to discuss it further. Then the s turned round. "All place names shall have no capitals at all." The Wabbit noted down all the points, then read them aloud. There was a murmur of agreement. But Lapinette had an important question. "To whom shall we take these proposals?" The Wabbit made a suggestion. "The dictionary people?" The letters went into a huddle and came up with a question. "Do dictionary people agree on things?" The Wabbit went into a huddle with himself and then came up with an answer. "Mostly," he said.

3. The Wabbit and the Indefinite Article

The Wabbit thought no more about it. But he was making his way along Via Andrea Doria when he came across an obstacle. There was Lapinette and she was staring at a giant Letter A, which was obstructing the sidewalk. "Get out of the way," she shouted and she waved her arms. "I will not," said the Latter A. "I'm getting up and standing up for my rights." Lapinette hopped from one leg to another. "Do it somewhere else!" The Wabbit watched for a little while and then he popped his head around the letter. "Hello Lapinette." Lapinette smiled and waved a greeting. "I'm trying to persuade this letter that he should locate elsewhere." The letter twitched a little. "I'm the indefinite article and I'm not necessarily a he." Lapinette placed her arms at her side and said in no uncertain terms. "I don't care. The sidewalk is for pedestrians." The Wabbit decided to get involved. "We've been getting trouble from your kind," he said. "My kind?" said the Letter, "Do you mean these other non-standard letters?" The Wabbit was lost for words. "Perhaps you're referring to the lower cases?" Now the Letter moved up and down. "We've had enough of these lower case varmints, always around our feet. We're tired of them!" The Wabbit shook his head. "Couldn't you conduct your struggle in a library or maybe even the Internet?" "No" cried the Letter A, "Were taking to the streets and soon we'll take up arms! Death to the lower cases! We shall not rest until we rid the world of them all." Lapinette was appalled. "That's not very inclusive." The Wabbit agreed. But the Letter A stood his ground. "I see some lower cases over there, I'm going to get them!" He tried to move but couldn't go fast. "Would you like a push?" smirked the Wabbit.

2. Skratch and the Way of Words

The Wabbit made his way along Via Nizza in search of Skratch when he hear a meowing behind him. He pretended not to hear and instead spoke to the poster. "I was wondering poster, why you refer to the summer? Although this is a bright day, it's Winter and yet you proclaim a different season." Skratch was beside himself. "Wabbit, Wabbit! It's me Skratch and I know all about words." The Wabbit slowly turned. "Oh it's you, Skratch. I thought that poster was speaking." Skratch climbed down from the tree. "As time passes, Wabbit, the poster becomes a sign of something else. Something long past and hard to remember." The Wabbit nodded. "True. Summer is indeed long past and very hard to remember." Skratch paused and licked his paws. "You were looking for me Wabbit?" "I was because I wanted to ask you about words," said the Wabbit, "I wondered if words could fight amongst themselves." Skratch grew interested. "What might they fight about?" The Wabbit grew pensive and replied. "Their meanings." Skratch launched into explanation. "Words have arbitrary and culturally prescribed meanings and we could assign meanings to words as we went along. As long as we agreed on the meanings all would be well." The Wabbit looked round as if someone might hear him. "Supposing the words didn't like their meanings. Supposing there was conflict." Skratch was becoming interested. "You mean if words were self-serving entities with a conscious point of view?" The Wabbit nodded his agreement. "Yes, supposing words didn't like the typeface they were set in - and supposing they went to war." Skratch laughed. "You do have a vivid imagination, Wabbit." The leaves on the sidewalk rustled in a breeze that sprung from nowhere. "Not at all," said the poster. "I should be set in Times New Roman." The Wabbit spoke sharply. "I told you there'd be trouble."

1. The Wabbit and the Meaning of Words.

The Wabbit walked along the porticos musing on anything he could muse on. He'd never given the Caffè sign a second glance. He merely knew it to be a place that sold extremely fine coffee. But today he looked up at it and thought for a minute. An acquaintance had given him to believe that the sign had an offensive word and he just couldn't understand why. Apart from the successful Italian rock band, he only knew it as a descriptive term of endearment in Spanish - and he'd argued with the acquaintance that The little black girl Caffè just didn't fit the bill. The friend had disagreed and had stalked off in high dudgeon, leaving the Wabbit bemused. The Wabbit shook his head. After all, he was a brown rabbit and proud; and he thought, "This is something I must take up with Skratch the Cat." So he bowled down the road, wondering about words. "What if words could take up arms against their oppressors and fight for their rights? What if they disagreed? The streets would be wash with warring factions all claiming authenticity. And typefaces too!" Such were his thoughts. He imagined it for a bit, seeing words in various fonts and sizes clashing at dawn. Capitals would wage war on lower case. Italics against Roman against Kanji. Upright might pit themselves against oblique. In the Wabbit's mind, vast armies drew up in opposition. Hiragana and Katakana waved banners at each other as if in a film by Akira Kurosawa. Written on their banners were the same words with different meanings. It was all quite overwhelming. The Wabbit spotted Skratch loping further down the porticos and he chased after him shouting in Ariel Bold ...

The Wabbit and the St Andrew's Caffè

The team gathered as always as the Adventure Caffè. It was an untidy looking place that the Wabbit had chosen carefully - because it was St Andrews Day, and the important thing was the Scottishness of the whisky. Nothing must detract from it. Skratch the Cat was late as usual, but he had under his arm the Guest of Honour; a bottle of Laphroaig whisky straight from the distillery. A man in a kilt had brought it directly from the plane and Skratch had picked it up. It was a peaty affair smelling faintly of diesel fuel and wellington boots. The Wabbit was well pleased. "Careful with that, Skratch," said the Wabbit, "But before we start you must tell us what sort of Adventure we just had." Skratch meaowed furiously. "The liberating qualities of the hypertext were much in evidence," he announced. "Unconscious fantasies were confronted in a manner which countered expected paradigms." Wabsworth nodded in approval. "And the self-consciousness involved allows for ritual expressions such as the Wabbit's priestly vestments." The Wabbit expressed mock horror. "I'd hardly say the kilt was a priestly vestment." But Lapinette was quite firm. "That kind of fashion utterance is a specific linguistic system signifying the world." She paused for effect. "Oh all right, if you say so," smiled the Wabbit. Skratch towered over everyone. "What does whisky signify?" "Life," said the Wabbit. "Then pour us four whiskies, let's celebrate life," said Lapinette. "I see no glasses," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit smiled and then reached into his fur ...

7. Lapinette and the Grand Finale

Lovely Lapinette opened the folder and waved it around. The audience went completely mad. She shielded her eyes from what was written inside. "It's what you've all been waiting for!" she yelled. "It's the Rabbit of the Year!" She unshielded her eyes. "It says the Rabbit of the Year is ..." Her voice was unsteady. She couldn't believe what was written there. "Lovely Lapinette?" She looked across the audience and they were ecstatic. "It looks like ... it's me," she gasped. The Wabbit grabbed her paw. The band started to play "She's a Winner," by the Golden Jazz Band. Fireworks exploded overhead. Lapinette leapt in the air. "It's me, It's me, it's me!" The Wabbit detached his paw to applaud. To the delight of the audience, Wabsworth and Skratch the Cat came on stage. They too applauded wildly. "Couldn't go to a nicer rabbit," said Skratch. Wabsworth nodded in agreement. Lapinette tried to compose herself. "But I didn't know I'd been nominated," she said. "It was apparently all a last-minute affair, but completely within the rules," said the Wabbit. "I wonder who?" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit wasn't giving anything away. "Nominations are of course, confidential." He suppressed a smile. Lapinette pirouetted for her adoring fans. "How can I top this?" she sighed. "With a champagne reception," said the Wabbit. "There's carrot canapes and all manner of goodies backstage." The Wabbit took her by the paw once more. "You have to sign autographs, me first." "Where shall I sign?" said Lapinette. "I quite forgot my autograph book," grinned the Wabbit. "I'm sure I'll find somewhere," smirked Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit and the Big Ceremony

It was the night of the Award Ceremony and the atmosphere was electric. The audience assembled and they were rather noisy until Lapinette called for hush. Under her paw she held the results. All she had to do was open the folder and read out the contents. The Wabbit was resplendent in his kilt. Lapinette had darned the moth holes like the best invisible mender and ironed each pleat until it was immaculate. He placed his paws on his belt and rolled his tummy out. The band began to play triumphal music and a loudspeaker blared out the procedure. The Wabbit quipped to Lapinette. "This won't take too long will it? I said I'd meet Wabsworth and Skratch for a quiet game of cards." Lapinette knew the camera was cutting in - so she was safe to stamp on his foot. The Wabbit groaned. "Mind my Ghillie Brogues, they're not paid for." Lapinette grinned and turned to face the audience. "Thank you all for coming. It's going to be such a wonderful evening" She held up her folder. "I have the results here. I know you've all been waiting with bated breath." The audience cheered with vigour. The Wabbit noticed Skratch and Wabsworth and Moloch creep onto the balcony. The audience noticed them too and clapped in spontaneous applause. The band broke into a Horace Silver jazz classic, How did it Happen? The Wabbit nodded approvingly.  Then the music faded, and the audience fell silent. Lovely Lapinette lifted the folder high in the air. She brought it down slowly and began to open it. "Everyone that's getting an award is written down in here. Are you ready?" The audience screamed and yelled. Lapinette opened the folder. "And the Rabbit of the Year is ..."

5. The Wabbit and the Practice Session

Robot had been employed by Lovely Lapinette to coach the Wabbit on likely questions he would get when he appeared in the Wabbit of the Year Competition. There were a vast range to choose from and they were always tricky. "Now concentrate, Wabbit," said Robot, "think flexibly, think on your paws." The Wabbit smirked. "I usually do," he said. He did a little jig. Robot looked offended. "It's really not that kind of thinking, more like an idiot would think." The Wabbit was amused. He knew what Lapinette would say if she were here. Robot launched in. "What would you tell a child who asked you if Santa Claus was real?" The Wabbit didn't hesitate. "I'll tell him he's as real as me." Robot hooted with laughter. "That's the spirit Wabbit. Let's do another. If you had an elephant and couldn't sell it or give it away, what would you do with it." The Wabbit puts his hands on his hips. "I'd arm it to the teeth and make war on the Carthaginians." Robot scowled. "I'm not sure everyone appreciates your sense of humour Wabbit." The Wabbit was quite happy. "Perhaps I'll lose. Ask me another." Robot was beginning to feel stressed. "How many square feet of pizza are eaten in Turin each year." The Wabbit swiftly replied, "None whatsoever, they'd be measured in square meters." Robot sighed and went for an awkward question. "If you were a tree, what music would you like?" The Wabbit grinned. "That's easy. Reggae ... because I'm strictly roots." Robot knew it was time to give up. He patted the Wabbit on the shoulder. "Don't worry Wabbit, you're bound to be a hit."  The Wabbit didn't know what to think but he was cheerful. "Maybe they'll offer me a show of my own?"

4. The Wabbit and the Make Up Session

Ignoring the advice of Skratch the Cat, the Wabbit decided to go along with the Rabbit of the Year Award. It was vanity that persuaded him in the end. He thought to himself, "What if some awful rabbit got it?" That's how the Wabbit came to be experiencing a make-up session in the paws of Lovely Lapinette, and she was very much in charge. The Wabbit squirmed under the lights. Lapinette brushed on some sort of foundation, but the Wabbit wriggled and fidgeted until something unexpected happened. His face became quite a distinct shade of puce. "I'm having a reaction!" he yelled. "Stay still, Wabbit - it's all your own fault." Lapinette wasn't finished and she said so in no uncertain terms. "I look like Carlo Conti on acid," gasped the Wabbit. "It will all be all right on the night," sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit spluttered. "And what am I doing in this awful car? I should be in my jeep." Lapinette sighed again. "This is a set for Carmencita, the famous animation character, you should be pleased we got it." The Wabbit scowled, "J'aime pas les marionnettes!" "You know that's not true, Wabbit," shouted Lapinette, "now sit still!" The Wabbit settled back. Gradually his face returned to a kind of normal and he spoke. "Skratch the Cat says this is all a moneymaking exercise." Lapinette flounced. "Skratch the Cat has not been nominated for Rabbit of the Year." The Wabbit's face creased into a smile. "I'll be very pleased when we can all go back to normal." Lapinette gave a short laugh. "What kind of normal is that?" "Abnormally normal," said the Wabbit.

[TV camera by courtesy of DLPNG.com. Carlo Conti: Well-known Italian TV personality. The Carmencita Story]

3. The Wabbit and the Awards Game

The Wabbit and Moloch caught up with Skratch at the cinema. He was doing something with a sign and Wabbit waved up to him. "He's caught up a post," said Moloch, "I'll help get him down." The Wabbit shook his head and shook with mirth. "He's a cat, Moloch. He needs no help." Nevertheless Moloch jumped up and shook the post with vigour. "It's OK Moloch," said Skratch, "I'm just repairing this sign. It was incorrectly signifying the signified." Moloch was disappointed. He'd always wanted to rescue a cat from a tree. Now he'd been deprived of his opportunity. "Let me know when you're coming down," he yelled. "I'll be sure to do that," purred Skratch. "Skratch, we need your advice," said the Wabbit. Skratch paused and rested his paws for a second. "Fire away," he said. "It's rather embarrassing," said the Wabbit. "I'm the most discreet cat I know," meaowed Skratch. The Wabbit began a long explanation. "I want to support Moloch and his Monster Show. In return he'll support my nomination for Rabbit of the Year." Skratch purred long and loud. "I'm not sure you're Rabbit of the Year material," he said. The Wabbit looked relieved. "I thought you might say it was unethical." "No-one cares about that," said Skratch, "it's all fixed in advance." The Wabbit didn't know what to say. Moloch said it for him. "I heard the Monster Show was the same." Skratch agreed vociferously. "I get invited to the Cat of the Town every year - but every year I decline." The Wabbit couldn't get his head round this. "Because there's a whopping fee," said Skratch, "and the prize always goes to some Felix or other. Who's in the Monster Show?"  "Godzilla," said Moloch. "Aha," said Skratch. He jumped down from the sign and shrugged. "Then I rest my case." 

2. The Wabbit and the Monster Show

The Wabbit spotted Moloch near Porta Palatino and hurried to catch him. But Moloch was standing stock still and talking into a microphone held by a camera crew from the state broadcaster, RAI. The Wabbit took little notice and strolled straight in front of them. He tapped Moloch lightly on the knee. "What's happening Moloch?" he yelled. The camera crew gave up at that juncture and Moloch looked down at the Wabbit. "Wabbit, you're interrupting my interview. Kindly desist." The Wabbit grinned and waved the camera crew away. "We'll come back later, Moloch when your friend is finished," said the journalist with a sigh. The Wabbit tapped Moloch on the knee again, "Spill the beans, Moloch!" Moloch's chest expanded. "I'm being interviewed for the Monster Show." The Wabbit was taken aback. "Why is there all this interest in the team?" he murmured." "What interest?" said Moloch. "I've been proposed for the Rabbit of the Year," said the Wabbit. "Oh really, I'm a judge for that but I'm not supposed to tell you," said Moloch. "Why not?" asked the Wabbit. "You might lobby me unfairly," replied Moloch. "Wouldn't dream of it," smirked the Wabbit. He thought for a minute. "You'll support me of course." Moloch was appalled. "I need to be absolutely fair," "It is fair," said the Wabbit, "I'm clearly the best contender. I support you for the Monster Show, you support me for the Rabbit of the Year." The Wabbit considered the matter a little more. "Let's take advice on the matter." "Who from?" asked Moloch. "Someone who know his way around these things," smirked the Wabbit. "Skratch the Cat?" smiled Moloch.

1. The Wabbit and the Wabbit of the Year

The Wabbit strolled back from his balcony at the Department of Wabbit Affairs. It was a mite chilly but warm in the sun and his fur felt good. All of a sudden, Lovely Lapinette poured herself through the door. "Wabbit, I have exciting news." The Wabbit waited to hear what it was. His definition of exciting was rather different from most people, but he smiled. "Lovely Lapinette, I wasn't expecting you!" Lapinette looked overjoyed. "You've been nominated for Rabbit of the Year!" The Wabbit secretly grimaced because he hated that sort of thing - and everything that went with it. "What are you going to wear?" shouted Lapinette with glee. The Wabbit had no hesitation. "My kilt," he shrugged.  Lapinette scowled. "The moths got it; you'll need a new one. And you need the whole outfit, sgian dubh the lot." The Wabbit grinned. "Don't worry, it's all wrapped in a protective cover in the back of the wardrobe." Lapinette was all cheerful again. "You'll need your fur trimmed." The Wabbit brushed his paws up and down his fur. He thought it looked OK, but he shrugged again. "Where is this Rabbit of the Year presentation?" Lapinette span round in a pirouette. "Location yet to be determined." "And the date?" continued the Wabbit. "Sometime next month," grinned Lapinette. The Wabbit breathed a sigh of relief. It all sounded a bit vague, so he had some time. Perhaps he would be called away urgently. He felt cheered. "What if I win?" he ventured. Lovely Lapinette gaped. "You? You're a normal brown rabbit, you'll never win. But there will be a gala dinner. Everyone that's anyone will be there." Now the Wabbit was miffed. "Is there anyone I know that's up for it." Lapinette shook her head. "It's all secret. No-one is supposed to know, so don't tell anyone." The Wabbit smiled a secret smile and Lapinette saw it. "Wabbit - don't you dare!"

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team gathered at the Adventure Caffè and for once it was a proper coffee bar. The barista wore a mask since COVID flu had ravaged the land, but it didn't stop him making perfect coffees. This was the coffee bar in the Lavazza museum and they were looking forward to trying the new blend. "It's a good thing we're cartoons," said the Wabbit, "or we might get this flu as well." Camilla flounced a bit. "Oh never mind all that. Let's be cheerful." Wabsworth was watching the barista with interest and he spoke out the corner of his mouth. "Tell me Skratch. I was wondering what sort of adventure we just had." Skratch meaowed forcibly. "It was an open adventure." Lapinette looked sceptical. "By which you mean it didn't have a proper ending?" Skratch purred for a long time. "Hardly. The story wasn't sufficient to produce narrative irresolution or ambiguity." Wabsworth continued watching the coffee being made. "No, it wasn't a tactic for producing narrative delay. The ending was secure and systematic." Lapinette paused and looked at the Wabbit. "So. What did you do with these guys anyway?" The Wabbit smirked an evil smirk. "I sent them for severe chastisement." "That's very biblical," said Skratch. The Wabbit was highly amused. "No, I just boxed their ears and sent them on their way." Wabsworth was astonished. "Where did you deliver the box to?" "Not literally, Wabsworth," said Lapinette. The Wabbit reached under the table. "I have the ears here. In a box." "Eeek!" cried Lapinette. She buried her eyes in her paws. "Only joking," said the Wabbit. Skratch moaned, "Where's this coffee?"  Wabsworth leaned forward and tapped the barista on the shoulder. "Hurry up or this will never finish!"

8. The Wabbit and the Art Preview

Everything was going to plan. The Wabbit borrowed the Film Museum for the show and it was meant to be a surprise. One minute Humphrey Bogart was on the screen and in the next it was Chagall's painting of the Dream Rabbit. On strode the Wabbit and lifted his pointer. He tapped the picture. "What you see before you is a copy of a copy of Chagall's famous painting. I do have the original copy under lock and key." He paused and looked around. A few people had arrived. "I'm offering you one of the finest copies of a famous rabbit there is. Perfectly rendered in oil and canvas." Two figures arrived at the back and they looked shifty. They were obviously the ones. "Now I can't offer you the original," continued the Wabbit, "that's safely locked up in the Museum of Modern Art in Paris." His walkie talkie crackled a bit and he murmured into the mouthpiece, "That's them at the back." Lapinette tensed. Her balcony hideout concealed her slender frame. She aimed the snazer and waited. Wabsworth too, was disguised as a museum visitor and he too was armed and ready. The Wabbit smiled. "For today and today only, I can offer you the finest copy of a copy of this painting. What am I bid?" The two ruffians at the back stepped forward and pulled out their weapons. "We know you have the original painting. And we know you have it here. So we bid you nothing at all. Hand it over." The Wabbit raised a paw. Her heard the snick of an automatic and the whine of a snazer. The ruffians were aghast. "It's a trap," said one of the ruffians. "I told you so," said the other, "it was too easy. What do we do now?" "Why don't you pretend it's performance art," shrugged the Wabbit.

[Fair use claimed for repro of Chagall's work. Minimal picture quality and of educational value!]

7. The Wabbit and the Rabbit Provenance

The Wabbit tried to figure out what interest his attackers had in his art catalogue and together with Lovely Lapinette he repaired to the Department's new Map Room. It was a nice space with plenty of room for both maps and thinking. He threw down the art book on the vast table. Lapinette had brought something along as well. "The answer is here," said the Wabbit. "And it has something to do with this," added Lapinette. She produced a copy of The Dream, The Rabbit - an early work by Chagall. The Wabbit nodded his head. "Is there any chance that we have the real picture?" Lapinette considered very carefully and tried to remember her training in European art. "Copies are so good these days that there is a chance it was substituted. Experts can be fooled. Where did you get the copy?" The Wabbit laughed. "In a market in Paris from an old Jewish fellow who looked like Methuselah." Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "It's supposed to be in the Museum of Modern Art in Paris." The Wabbit winked. "Mine is under lock and key in my shed." Lapinette flicked through the book. "The Dream, The Rabbit is not in in here." "It wasn't as popular as his later works," said the Wabbit. "Probably because there was a rabbit in it," sighed Lapinette. "Rabbit exclusion everywhere," grunted the Wabbit. "When's the catalogue coming out?" asked Lapinette. "Monday," said the Wabbit, "and it's listed as an oil and canvas reproduction. Very highly priced. Very." Lapinette hopped round the table three times. "We'll see who comes for it." "I suppose I'll have to check their credentials," smiled the Wabbit. Lapinette's paw felt for her automatic. "I'll do the checking."

6. The Wabbit and a Spot of Bother

On the advice of the Magician's Rabbit, the Wabbit drew up his catalogue and he was on his way home with the draft. The evening was pleasant. A gentle breeze blew along Via Giovanni Giolitti and it ruffled the Wabbit's fur. "I'm very pleased to get this finished," murmured the Wabbit to himself. An art catalogue was a tougher proposition than he had imagined. He really wasn't expecting trouble, because art was hardly a controversial matter. Or so he thought. But a shape loomed up behind him - and then another. "There he is," said a voice. "Let's get him," said another. The shape shoved up against him and buffeted him to the left and then the other buffeted him to the right. He could see now they were two giant rabbits he had never seen before. They were trying to get the catalogue, but the Wabbit wasn't going to let them have it. They pulled him one way and then another. He held onto the catalogue like grim death. "Leave off or I'll give you trouble," he yelled. He bashed one of them in the eye and there was a yelp. The other he elbowed in the nose and there was another yelp. A frantic scrabble took place and pages of the catalogue flew in the air. "That took me all day!" yelled the Wabbit, "pick them up you ruffians." The giant rabbits turned and fled. The Wabbit went around picking up the pages. The breeze wafted along the street and the Wabbit chased them up and down. Finally, he tracked the last page down. It was stuck to a litter bin with a candy wrapper. The Wabbit peeled it off. "It's all wrapped up now," he joked. But who were the two giant rabbits? What did they want? They had certainly taken him by surprise. "The fast and the furriest," mused the Wabbit.