5. Lapinette and the Deadly Pursuit

Lapinette flew through corridor after corridor. Each was lined with old coins and each looked exactly the same as the last. She could hear voices and her feet skimmed the museum floor as she followed the sounds. They didn't seem so far away, but the museum was a labyrinth and it was hard to tell where they came from. She heard a bang, then a shout - followed by a racket and a bit of a hubbub. It seemed like the Wabbit was giving as good as he got, but she couldn't be certain. The Agents of Rabit were tricky and their methods unsavoury, so she ran even faster. Suddenly she slithered to a halt and peered around a corner. She could see two Agents pulling the Wabbit into a room, laughing their derisive laugh as they went. "Not so smart now, Wabbit!" said one. She crouched low and waited. A chair slammed against a wall, then a sudden slap cracked like a whip. She heard the Wabbit say something and there were two more slaps. "Wabbit, this is not the time for jokes." It was only a murmur under Lapinette's breath but it was too loud. A door flew open and an Agent peered out. She rapidly aimed and fired. The Agent clutched his foot and screamed and swore like a trooper. Then he grabbed Lapinette by the ears and dragged her into the room ...

4. The Wabbit and the Sudden Assault

The Wabbit and Lapinette gave Rover the slip in the backstreets and took refuge. The museum was the perfect place and there wasn't a soul there - or so they thought. "We gave him the slip!" grinned the Wabbit. They happily prowled the antiquities. "Too darn quiet," murmured the Wabbit, pointing at this and that. "Did I hear footsteps?" asked Lapinette. "Mice" suggested the Wabbit. This time Lapinette wasn't happy. "Big sounding mice," she said. "With enormous ears?" laughed the Wabbit. They shrugged and prowled on. It happened with sudden speed. The Wabbit glimpsed shadow ears and turned, only to meet the fist of an Agent of Rabit. The Wabbit saw a flash and rather pretty stars. Then things went black and he toppled to the floor. Lapinette wheeled and pulled out an automatic. But the Agents were too fast and they raced along the corridors dragging a dazed Wabbit behind them. Lapinette chased them, firing as she went. But she was afraid to hit the Wabbit and her shots went wide, hitting only shadows. She jumped to avoid bullets as they ricocheted. With her ears against a wall, she paused to think. One thing was sure. Every time the Wabbit said it was quiet, something happened. She dropped another clip into her automatic. "Too loud around here for me." She moved so quickly, she seemed to vanish. Now the corridors echoed to only one sound. The silence of one rabbit running.

3. The Wabbit and the Scenic Spin

Lapinette and the Wabbit took the jeep for a spin along the coast. It was dusk and the street lights painted buildings a garish yellow. Shadows danced merrily as Lapinette sped along the coast. The Wabbit's teeth chattered a hectic tattoo and his bones shook, so he hung on tight and looked around. It was just too quiet. "It's too quiet," he shouted. "You're never happy," replied Lapinette. There was no one around and any amount of space, so Lapinette pulled sharply on the handbrake and span around in a circle. A cloud of grit flew in the air and stung the Wabbit's face. "Happy now?" grinned Lapinette. "Ecstatic," replied the Wabbit. "Shall we go to the museum then?" suggested Lapinette. She gunned the throttle and tore under the viaduct. "It's closed," said the Wabbit. "I have a key," said Lapinette. The Wabbit knew Lapinette had a key, but he also knew it was a skeleton key that fitted every lock in the known world. His eyes twinkled. "Yes, let's go." He grabbed hold as Lapinette suddenly pulled another handbrake turn and swerved back under the viaduct. "Wrong way?" mumbled the Wabbit. Lapinette gestured with her ears and the Wabbit turned. A giant white ball was hard on their heels - and as it rolled, it whined like a fairground siren. "It can't be Rover," gasped Lapinette. "Lose him!" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette jumped hard on the throttle and they vanished in a cloud of fumes ..

2. The Wabbit at the Adventure Hotel

The Adventure Hotel had been difficult to find. But after a bone shaking drive along a narrow track behind the hippodrome, there it was. "Commander, welcome!" meaowed Skratch the Cat. "Your private quarters await," smiled Wabsworth. He waved to indicate the building.  Lapinette indicated her approval. The Wabbit's eyes sparkled. "Not too far from the bar, I hope?" "Aperitivi on the way," purred Skratch. "Drinks are free if it rains," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked up at an unyielding blue sky, looked down and spread his paws. "How is this Adventure progressing?" he asked. "This is not an adventure, you're on special vacation, Commander," said Wabsworth. "Rest and relaxation," meaowed Skratch. "Refreshment and recuperation," continued Wabsworth. "Not to mention Rock and Roll," winked Skratch. The Wabbit glanced at Lapinette. "I get the drift." "So we'll leave you alone now," said Wabsworth. "We're in the main building if you need us," added Skratch. The Wabbit frowned and so did Lapinette. "You're both staying?" "Protection," meaowed Skratch. He hissed and crouched, then waved his paws up and down. "Protection who from?" asked Lapinette. "Enemies," growled Wabsworth. "I'd be quite lost without them," sighed the Wabbit.

1.The Wabbits on Wedding Vacation

The Wabbit and Lapinette wandered around their honeymoon destination with hardly a care in the world. There was no Department, or paperwork or enemies. It was sunny and quiet - almost idyllic - as Siracusa basked in a late Sicilian heat wave. The Wabbit swept Lapinette in the air and smiled. Lapinette's eyes fluttered. "What about the Adventure Caffè?" "Ah yes," replied the Wabbit; "How the binky are we going to find out what kind of adventure we had?" Lapinette threw up her arms and yelled. "We'll have to do it ourselves - without Skratch." The Wabbit smirked in delight. "Skratch directed it." "He'll certainly know then," said Lapinette. She looked straight at the Wabbit as he gave it deep thought. "I'm not sure," he said; "I'm certain he'd question any form of intentionality." Lapinette pirouetted. "Skratch is not given to auteurism." The Wabbit pirouetted too. "But he gave our adventure a style which played with dynamics of spectacle and emotion." Lapinette knew what she was talking about when it came to spectacle. "Skratch defied convention and placed the reception before the wedding." The Wabbit struck a pose. "That strategy was dark, dangerous and difficult - and involved falling from giant clocks." Lapinette nodded, but she'd noticed something from the corner of her eye. "Did you see an Agent of Rabit?" The Wabbit winked and shrugged and winked again. "Maybe he's on holiday?"
[auteurism : "auteurist criticism located the creative center of a film in the controlling perspective of the director."]

11.The Wabbit's Honeymoon Swoop

Susan the Biplane extracted the Wabbit and Lapinette from the gallery of the Film Museum and swooped along Via Garibaldi. The Wabbit grinned ear to ear. "Where are we going, Susan?" Susan waggled her wings and her voice crackled over the radio. "I'm transporting Mr and Mrs Wabbit to the Adventure Hotel of course." The Wabbit gulped. Lapinette laughed and gazed down. People looked tiny in the streets, but she waved to them anyway and threw down a flower. With a sudden roar of her engines, Susan tore wildly around the city. She flew like she'd never flown, in an acrobatic display that astonished the Wabbit. She whizzed down Corso Svizzera and across to Lingotto. She skimmed the River Po and buzzed the funicular railway all the way up to Superga. Then she plunged steeply to Piazza Vittorio Veneto. The Wabbit clung to the fuselage with one paw and gripped Lapinette's paw with the other.  "Are you looking for a promotion, Susan?" he gasped. Susan's radio crackled. "This tour is a wedding gift from the Department." The Wabbit shrugged suspiciously. "And ..?" Susan's engine changed note. "And you're wanted back on duty in 24 hours." The Wabbit's 28 teeth flashed momentarily. He smashed his radio on the fuselage and let it slip from his paws. "Take your time," grinned the Wabbit.

10. Wabbit, Lapinette and a Wedding

The scene faded in and the crowd gaped. There was applause for the Wabbit and Lapinette but a thunderous roar for ex Cardinal Lapin, whose face now beamed down from every restaurant counter in Turin. Lapin's voice echoed through the vast hall of the Film Museum. "We are gathered together to unite these two rabbits in marriage." A hush fell. "Some say not before time," added Lapin. The glint in his eye lit up the whole space. Waves of polite laughter rippled through the audience but then a silence fell as Lapin whispered inaudibly, "Where's the ring, Wabbit!" This flashed on the screen as sub titles. The collective intake of breath prompted some to quietly shed a tear. "I have it in my fur," said the Wabbit. The audience cringed as he searched frantically, producing several items, none of them matching a ring. Lapinette smiled. "It's stuck to your paw, Wabbit." The audience cheered. "Throw me the ring," suggested Lapinette. Her head nodded and her ears trembled. The audience gulped as the Wabbit measured the distance and flicked the ring in the air. It sparkled and span and looped twice before it headed straight for Lapinette's left paw, where it stuck like glue. Lapin smiled blessings. "You may kiss the bride." But the Wabbit had already begun.

9. The Wabbit and the Subtitled Bed

Moloch removed his restraining hands and the Wabbit and Lapinette dropped onto a giant, heart-shaped bed. Lapinette bounced a few times. The Wabbit tucked in and gazed at Lapinette. But cheering ensued so they turned to stare out from a giant movie screen at an adoring audience. Lapinette giggled. "What about all these people?" "This bed feels much too comfy to bother about them," whispered the Wabbit. Applause broke out. "Can they hear us?" asked Lapinette. The audience laughed and whistled and cheered. "We seem to have sub titles," murmured the Wabbit. His words flashed up on the screen as sub titles. The audience repeated them loudly. Clapping spread around the venue. "Maybe they'll go away!" sighed Lapinette. This met with laughter - the Wabbit and Lapinette could do no wrong and their ecstatic audience repeated and cheered every word they uttered. "Wonderful," shouted a critic. "Groundbreaking!" yelled another. The Wabbit decided to go along with things and faced the audience directly. "Technically speaking, we're both supposed to keep one foot on the floor." The audience laughed for some time. Lapinette made a mock scowl. "Wabbit! That stopped in 1965." The crowd screeched and howled and stamped their feet as if they'd never heard a joke before. The Wabbit fumbled around at the back of the bed and found a switch. The screen suddenly grew dark. "Roll credits," murmured the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and the Photo House

The balcony tilted and the Wabbit and Lapinette slid downwards into a strange space, entirely composed of movie portraits. They thought they would crash to a floor that was indefinite and could hardly be seen. But Moloch was there to help and he spread his strong arms to prevent them plummeting down a wall of photos. "This is the Hall of Glamour," said Moloch. The Wabbit gazed along the portraits. "It's a bit steep," he observed. He clung onto Moloch's arm and gazed down. "What's at the bottom?" asked Lapinette. "The Well of Fame," replied Moloch; "but you really don't want to visit. It's a long way down - and shallower than you think." "I didn't take even one of these photos," said the Wabbit. Moloch cast large eyes up and along. He sighed. "I'm quite upset my own portrait's not here. You know, I used to be famous in the old silent movie days." "I think we'll all be here some day," said Lapinette. "But in the mean time," asked the Wabbit; "how do we get out?" Moloch's eyes twinkled. "We have to ask the stars." Lapinette thought she would try, so she addressed the portraits directly. "What's the way out?" A murmuring commenced and it sounded much like a conversation. Then a single voice spoke. "Just think yourselves out." Lapinette looked at all the pictures. "Who said that?" "Me" confessed the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and a Plunge from Time

The Skuttle moved too close to the clock and nudged it. It creaked ominously. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit looked back with gritted teeth. Something snapped and things started to fall apart. Clock hands fell like giant spears. The crowd looked up in horror as Lapinette tumbled from the clock face. With a crack like rotten wood, the Wabbit's second hand broke away. He twisted and grabbed it firmly. Then with a thrust he slowed Lapinette's wild descent, but together with the hand, they continued to fall. The crowd oohed and aahed. The Wabbit angled the clock hand near to vertical and when it hit the ground he twisted with all his might. They vaulted back up, to a massive cheer. Lapinette grabbed a balcony and scrambled on, but the Wabbit disappeared below her. Moments later he was back. Applause broke out. "I'm getting to like this," he grinned. He was on his way down again - but Lapinette grabbed him just before he plunged and swung him safely onto the balcony. A cheer from the crowd was quickly followed by a fearful gasp. Visitors scattered as the giant hand crashed down and stuck quivering in the ground. The crowd roared and roared for more. So the Wabbit waved limply and made an impromptu speech about the fragility of time. Lapinette waved too and turned to the Wabbit with a sigh of relief. "What shall we do for our next trick?" gasped the Wabbit.

6. The Wabbit and the 10 Hour Clock

The Wabbit's installation was his own idea. This was quite a surprise because he disapproved of such things. But it seemed like a good intervention to both liven up the photo exhibition and make a point. The Wabbit's plan had interested Lapinette. "It will send a message about power, time and the oppression of the working rabbit." She suggested they dive from the roof and hang on opposite clock hands. Both would appear to pull in opposite directions, representing the plight of the working collective and the ambiguous nature of time itself. The dive was relatively easy but the grab was difficult. Wabbit hung perilously from the minute hand. "So far so good," he gasped. Lapinette dangled from the hour hand and swung back and forth. But with a clang it suddenly lurched down by an hour. "It's fixed. It's not supposed to do that," snorted the Wabbit. There was a bang. Now the minute hand dropped by ten minutes, taking the Wabbit with it. He scrabbled and grunted and scowled - but he hung on. From below, the crowd cheered massively at what they thought was daring display. Another cheer from the ground alerted Lapinette. They both turned. It was a mammoth flying Skuttle, like none they'd ever seen. Blue spray shot from monster jaws. Jagged teeth gnashed. Fins thrashed. "I haven't got time for this," snapped the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Chance Guests

Lapinette was right. The public flocked to the exhibition in vast numbers. Many had their own photos and pinned them to a board. They milled around in an excited fashion, saying ooh and ah from time to time. The Wabbit introduced the show in a hushed tone he'd learned from mainstream television. Moloch loomed above everything, occasionally issuing safety instructions. The Wabbit covered the microphone and whispered to Lapinette. "How much have we taken at the box office?" "Enough to set your Dinosaur Fund to rights," laughed Lapinette. Unusually, the Wabbit's Dinosaur Fund had taken a downward turn - so the Wabbit smiled broadly and announced a raffle. Lapinette pointed to several creatures moving between rows of chairs. "Aren't these creatures Skuttles?" "Yes," agreed the Wabbit. "I''d say they're looking for the bar," murmured Lapinette. "And probably they'll find it," replied the Wabbit. He didn't appear at all phased, but Lapinette looked concerned. "Did you invite them?" "They must have heard about it somehow," shrugged the Wabbit. He moved to intercept the closest Skuttle. "May I see your ticket?" The Skuttle held up a valid ticket and the Wabbit examined it closely. "No problem," he announced. "You'll find complimentary drinks in the bar, downstairs on the right." The Skuttle scuttled off at speed. "At least we know where they are," grinned the Wabbit.

4. Skratch and the Spare Tickets

Skratch the Cat flourished a banner and meaowed as loud as a cat might meaow. "Remaining tickets for the Wabbit and Lapinette Photo Expo!" But passersby were few and trade sporadic. He tried screeching. "Nearly sold out, last few here." Nothing. He considered changing his pitch. "Three for the price of two. Fun guaranteed." Jenny rolled into sight. "What's happening, Skratch?" Skratch grinned ear to ear. "I'm driving business along." Jenny viewed the empty street and shook her head. "Let me assist you." She leaned to kiss Skratch and while he was distracted, stole the tickets from his paw. She waved them around threateningly. "Get your tickets now or else!" Tickets sold well. Jenny grew persistent. "Bring your own photographs. Enter the Selfie Surprise!" Soon, all tickets had gone. "Tell me about this selfie thing," said Skratch. "It's Tipsy's idea," replied Jenny; "The public buy the tickets and provide exhibits." "I should have thought of that," moaned Skratch. "Losing your touch?" grinned Jenny. She swayed in a pirate fashion. Her lips pouted. "What's that behind your back?" purred Skratch. "A photograph of a gun," said Jenny in a sultry voice. Skratch gasped in admiration and moved dangerously close. "I have a real one in my jacket," warned Jenny.

3. Tipsy and the Genial Host

Wabsworth met Tipsy from the tram. "Is that for me?" smiled Tipsy. She leaped from the tram, neatly scooping the glass of wine into her paw and draining it in a single gulp. Wabsworth produced another. "You are invited to open the Wabbit's photo expo," he explained. Tipsy hopped up and down. "Then I must pwactise my speech." Wabsworth gently shook his head. "The Wabbit said no fuss, no frills." Tipsy took a radio from under her frock and started calling. "This is a general announcement. The Wabbit and Lapinette are having a photo expo." Several voices crackled. Tipsy held the radio close to her lips and whispered. "No fruss, no fills." A lengthy series of voices shouted. Tipsy listened to them all. "No, I don't know if you're in the photos. Bwing your own." The radio bleeped and screamed. "No, don't tell a single soul." whispered Tipsy. She faced away and issued a series of breathy inaudible commands. Wabsworth's radio crackled. He lifted it to his ear and spoke. "Everything proceeds according to plan, Commander." With his other paw he refilled Tipsy's glass. She took it without looking and vanished into the tram. The doors hissed and started to close. Wabsworth squeezed through at the very last moment and called to the driver. "Movie Museum!" "Subito," said the driver ...

2. The Wabbit and the Gratis Venue

The Wabbit and Lapinette assessed the movie museum as a likely venue for their photo exhibition. They were about to make a final decision, when Moloch peered over the balcony rail. "May I be of assistance?" "We need an exhibition space," smiled Lapinette. "Then look no further," boomed Moloch. "We have all you might require: walls, seats, rest rooms, stairs, lifts - all that sort of thing. And a bar and a restaurant." "What kind of a bar?" asked the Wabbit. "Wild West of course!" replied Moloch. The Wabbit was delighted but he wanted to know how much it would cost. Moloch tut tut tutted. "No cost. I'm on the Board as the ex officio advisor on Sacrifices." "We couldn't possibly impose on your generous nature," giggled Lapinette. Moloch drew himself to his full height (which was considerable) and spoke with authority. "A not-for-profit activity in pursuit of community cohesion, attracts no particular charge." Lapinette raised a paw. "May we sell copies of our original and exciting images?" "In the shop," laughed Moloch. The Wabbit clapped his paws. "Then it's a done deal." "Just one thing," added Moloch. Lapinette and the Wabbit glanced at each other. Moloch's wings rose menacingly. "I'll be signing copies of Cabiria: Moloch's Final Cut." "What could possible go wrong?" chirped the Wabbit.

1 The Wabbit and the Photo Show

Lapinette caught up with the Wabbit near the film museum. He was critically eyeing the street and toying with camera settings. Lapinette tapped him on the shoulder. "Wabbit, the lens cap is on." The Wabbit took a photograph. "It's fake," he chortled; "The cap is a holographic projection and to all interests and purposes, transparent." He pointed it directly at a passerby. The shutter clicked. The passerby smiled. "You'll get nothing with that cap on, me old bunny." Lapinette watched him go and grinned. "Maybe we should mount a photo show." The Wabbit thought for a moment. "How much should we charge?" "An exorbitant amount," suggested Lapinette; "People will flock." She pointed at the billboard and sighed. "Look at that, I rest my case." "Animals in Films," shrugged the Wabbit; "Always with the good deeds." "Indomitable and courageous and usually dogs," added Lapinette. The Wabbit's camera clicked again. "Not like us," he smiled. "No-one is," nodded Lapinette. The shutter fired again. "We need a theme, a venue, and a time." said Lapinette. "And a bar," added the Wabbit. "Waiters will circulate with delicious tit bits," said Lapinette. "Luminaries will make speeches," murmured the Wabbit. He thought again, long and hard. "Couldn't we just exhibit in the streets?" "Right here in our own town!" laughed Lapinette.

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

It was chilly, but they chose to sit outside anyway. Lapinette scanned the list. "What's it to be?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "It's all newfangled stuff." "I'll have a Prosecco Pouncer," said the Wabbit. Jenny leaned across the table and scowled. "Make mine a Rum Rockeroony." Wabsworth ran his cocktail sub routine. "Beer Runner," he announced. As Lapinette called the waiter, Skratch the Cat ambled around the corner yelling the usual question. "What would you call that for a sort of adventure?" Wabsworth smiled. "It was a form of mythological gesturing where everything indicated everything else." Skratch whisked a spare chair into position. "Like the X Files?" Lapinette raised a paw. "The inexplicable is explained through further inexplicabilities." "Nothing is knowable," laughed Skratch. There was a pause. "So how would we know that?" laughed Wabsworth. "Touché," meowed Skratch. They chortled, but Lapinette was anxious to ask a question about the adventure. "Tibbar said he was neither alive nor dead." Wabsworth leaned gently forward. "That suggests that he has the capacity to be alive or dead." The Wabbit had an idea. "Then maybe Tibbar is in a third state, in a liminality of perpetual waiting." "Where's our drinks?" sighed Lapinette.
[Wabsworth may be referring to  Lucretius, Nothing Is Knowable, and More (De Rerum Natura, 4.469-477)]

8. The Wabbit and the Lucky Charm

The Wabbit knew he couldn't detain a shape shifter. Besides, he didn't feel like it. He led Tibbar through the city and stopped near Porta Nuova Station. "You want me to take a train out of town?" asked Tibbar. The Wabbit shook his head. "Whatever you like Tibbar. Here's a gift for your travels." He delved into his fur and pulled out a band of pure carrot. It pulsed translucent orange and every few seconds it hummed pleasantly. "A tracking device?" smiled Tibbar, "It won't work on me." "It's a good luck charm," flounced the Wabbit. He plucked another object from his fur. It was an amulet comprising three double carrots, which together made up an orange star. It glinted in the streetlights. The Wabbit gently fastened the amulet to the band. "It won't work unless it's a gift." "Why?" asked Tibbar. "Because luck only happens to other rabbits," shrugged the Wabbit. "Where do the trains go?" asked Tibbar, after some thought. "Places that aren't even dreamed about," said the Wabbit with a nod. Tibbar returned the nod and set off along towards the station at a leisurely lope. Wabsworth and Lapinette hopped to catch up with the Wabbit but suddenly stopped. Traffic was in tilt. Screeching brakes and loud angry shouts rent the air. "Just a lucky charm?" said Wabsworth. "Much more than that," smiled the Wabbit.

7. Wabsworth and the Known Foe

Wabsworth picked up the creature and pushed it to the edge of the stairs. It teetered for a second and said one word. Wabsworth hit it with the carrot. It pitched down the steps and lay crumpled in the stairwell. It shimmered and became liquid but just as quickly became solid again. It tried again without success. With a gasp, it pushed its back to the wall. It coughed. Wabsworth raised his cudgel again. "Please, No more carrots," groaned the creature. The Wabbit hopped to the bottom of the stairs and prodded the creature with a foot. "Tibbar, I thought you were dead." Tibbar groaned. "I don't think of myself as dead or alive." The Wabbit laughed, "Then I won't put out a wanted poster for you." Tibbar hissed and his eye flashed. Wabsworth shouldered his carrot and hopped down to the join the Wabbit. "I don't know this Tibbar." The Wabbit kept a careful eye on Tibbar because he knew him to be both powerful and cunning. "He's a freelance pest." Tibbar tied to shift shape but he was too weak. The Wabbit pushed him against the wall. "The body in the Carrot Club?" "That was me," said Tibbar. "And the hanging agent at the Department?" asked Wabsworth. He raised his carrot and shook it. "Me," nodded Tibbar quickly. Lapinette called from upstairs. "What about my abduction?" "Sorry," moaned Tibbar. "You'll be so sorrier," yelled Lapinette.
[Tibbar's first appearance was in an adventure called Camera Converto.  Tibbar ("rabbit" backwards) is here.]

6. The Wabbit in the Safe House

The three retired to the Safe House to talk and get to the bottom of things. "I wish Skratch was here. He could really help with this mystery," said the Wabbit. At that very moment Skratch loped into the dining room. He waved to everyone to keep quiet and gestured. Lapinette pointed to a question mark hanging where the exit sign used to be. Wabsworth gazed at his drink and pretended not to notice. Skratch hissed and waved his paws. He meaowed rapidly about his last film class. He spoke of modernism and defying erotetic models then gave a lengthy discourse on narrative structure. It seemed like gibberish but the Wabbit knew it was code. He nudged Lapinette beneath the table and winked at Wabsworth. "Let's drop the case," he smiled. "We'll never find the answer." Lapinette sensed a movement from behind the door. She picked up her glass and proposed a toast to unsolved cases. Wabsworth quietly left the room via the kitchens. Skratch continued his discourse. Lapinette's ears swivelled. She hopped silently backwards and gripped the door handle. They heard scurrying on the stairs, then a shout and a yell. Blue blood seeped under the door. Lapinette tugged the handle and it flew open. Wabsworth stood on the threshold holding an enormous carrot and grinning at something prone on the ground. He leaned down and whispered. "Busted."

5. The Wabbit and the Fight Stuff

The Wabbit and Wabsworth located Lapinette. She was sitting, dazed and confused, at the side of the road in a pool of blue blood. She shook blood from her knife."Went that way," she said. She pointed vaguely. The Wabbit reached out to support her. Wabsworth did the same. She didn't appear to be injured, but something, somewhere, had been given a dusting. "She went shat sway over there," slurred Lapinette. She gestured and began to speak in an alien tongue. Wabsworth listened carefully then touched her, repeated the words and said, "Terminate." A bolt of electricity shot between his paw and Lapinette's shoulder. The Wabbit caught her as she slumped. "What did she say?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette stirred into consciousness and spoke: "She tried to probe me. So I probed her first." "Who's she?" asked Wabsworth. "The creature, Lapinette," she answered. "You're Lapinette," said Wabsworth. Lapinette jolted. Another spark flashed, as something ethereal left her to coalesce with the pool of blue blood. The blood thinned and vanished, leaving only an oil stained sidewalk and a disappearing question mark. Lapinette blinked, grimaced and rubbed her forehead. "What happened?" The Wabbit grinned. "There was a fight." Lapinette groaned. "Who won?" "Looks like a draw," smiled the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Sudden Snatch.

A series of abductions were reported just where the railway line disappeared under Corso Francia. They responded quickly and scouted all around. It was a lonely spot, frequented by riff-raff and ne'er do wells - so they were on their guard. "There's something on the rails," shouted Lapinette. She peered over the fence. "It looks like a question mark." "Let's go down and have a look," said the Wabbit, waving an automatic from left to right. His gun was far from new. The safety catch had broken off a long time since, and the trigger was shiny and worn. "Steady there, Commander, that gat needs a reset," said Wabsworth. Lapinette turned to shout. "Wabbit, I think it moved into the ..." Her voice cut off suddenly. The Wabbit's head swiveled to look, but no-one was there. Lapinette had gone. They rushed to the top of the steps - but of Lapinette, there was no trace whatsoever, except for her automatic. The Wabbit picked it up, wheeled and fired three times at the rail tracks. Wabsworth's ears swayed slightly. "Commander?" "She'll hear it," shrugged the Wabbit. He poked around and kicked grass-eaten asphalt. "I'm looking for her knife," he explained. They stiffened as a bloodcurdling cry echoed from the street, followed by three more. "She still has it," smiled the Wabbit.
[gat: slang for gun. Originally derived from Gatling Gun but eventually applied to hand guns.]

3. The Wabbit and the Hanging Agent

Lapinette called urgently from the Department of Wabbit Affairs to summon the Wabbit to an incident. There, an Agent swung gently from a rope tied high on the roof, and he looked dead or close to it. "Better get him down," grimaced the Wabbit. He pulled mountaineering equipment from his fur and scaled the wall. Wabsworth took the service stairs and appeared from a skylight. "Easy now," shouted Lapinette, "All in one piece, please."  The Wabbit took a good look. "He has a note." Wabsworth swung across and grabbed it. The body swayed once more and suddenly crashed to the ground. Lapinette hopped out of the way with an angry cry. "Is he dead?" called the Wabbit. "Well he is now," scowled Lapinette. "It was the note that did it!" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette glared. "What does the note say?" Her nose wrinkled as she gazed at the crumpled corpse. Wabsworth squinted at the scrawled message. "It says you're next." "Who's next?" asked the Wabbit. "The note writer failed to elucidate," replied Wabsworth. "Look there's a question mark, painted in blood," pointed Lapinette, "It's on a picture." Wabsworth conducted a speedy analysis. "It's not blood, it's colouring," "That's a priceless work of art," yelled Lapinette. Wabsworth moistened a paw, dabbed the question mark, and tasted it. "Food dye," he murmured.  "Too much dyeing round here," hissed the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Scene of Crime

The scene of crime was deserted except from some flimsy yellow tape, the shape of a body and dried blood. The Wabbit hopped under the tape. Wabsworth sliced it neatly and carefully initialled the cut edge. "They usually miss something," shrugged the Wabbit. He looked at the shape and whistled "I ain't got nobody," through his 28 teeth. Then he crouched to examine an ornate floor tile. "This is loose," he murmured. He levered it up. It groaned as he slid it to the side. "Oh, what is that? What is the question, Wabsworth?" "Who's been and gone and dunnit to who?" replied Wabsworth. "The perpetrator dunnit," said the Wabbit. "That's a tautology," answered Wabsworth. The Wabbit nodded his head twice -  up and down and side to side. Then he spoke: "Someone drew a question mark with the blood of the victim." "A signature?" suggested Wabsworth. The Wabbit shrugged again. "We don't know if the perp drew it." Wabsworth smiled. "OK Sherlock, who then?" "The evidence currently points to me." smiled the Wabbit. "Well it doesn't look like your signature," scowled Wabsworth. The Wabbit grinned. "Then I'm off the hook." He slid the tile back in place. "I don't think it happened here," he said. "This is just the disposal site." Wabsworth's circuits whirred, then he said: "To both implicate you and leave an indelible stain on the Carrot Club's reputation." "What reputation?" asked the Wabbit.

1.The Wabbit: The Carrot Club Murder

The Wabbit met Wabsworth outside a budget hotel in downtown Turin on a matter of urgency. "It's about the Carrot Club," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit was puzzled because Carrot Club matters were seldom urgent. "There's been a murder," said Wabsworth. "Who's the victim?" asked the Wabbit. Wabsworth sighed. "It seems to be me." "But you're here," said the Wabbit. He poked him sharply in the ribs to make sure. "It looks like me," said Wabsworth, "but it's not me." The Wabbit shook his head from side to side. "We'd better get down there, pronto." Now Wabsworth shook his head. "It's crawling with forensic rabbits from the Bureau of Internal Mysteries." He fished in his fur and extracted a fearsome sharpened carrot. The Wabbit touched the end. "Yow," he shouted. He sucked his paw and gasped. "You took a murder weapon from a crime scene?" Wabsworth pointed. "It has your gnaw marks on it, Commander. Look just here. And here." The Wabbit grimaced. His gnaw marks were unmistakable. "I have to ask you, Wabbit. Where were you between the hours of dusk and dawn?" The Wabbit laughed. "I was with you of course." Wabsworth frowned and the Wabbit smiled. "OK, I owe you lunch. Tell me, is it messy?" Wabsworth tucked the weapon in his fur. "Who would have thought an android had so much blood..."

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

They'd arranged to meet at the cinema caffè and then watch a movie. But the Wabbit and Lapinette wanted to surprise Wabsworth, so they lay in wait. "I think that must be him now," said Lapinette. "I can just see him crossing the road." "Leave it until he's right at the door," said the Wabbit. The cinema had many volunteers and it was Skratch's night to staff the ticket office. He was checking the till when he heard Wabsworth's voice. "What kind of Adventure did you have, while I was here holding the fort?" Skratch looked up in surprise. "How on earth did you get in?" he asked sharply "The cleaners let me in the back," said Wabsworth. He proffered a large note. "May I have four tickets please? I get the android's discount." Skratch agreed and turned to watch the Wabbit. Both Lapinette and the Wabbit were clearly oblivious to Wabsworth's arrival. He shrugged and uttered: "The adventure was as sprawling and chaotic as an adventure can be." Wabsworth took the tickets and pushed them into his coat. "Anti-narrativity is but an illusion," he said. "Textuality sutures the rift between anti-narrativity and reality." Skratch pondered this for while. "Where did you read that?" he purred. Wabsworth smiled. "I didn't read it. The cleaners told me."
[Wabsworth is possibly referring to a famous documentary, Night Cleaners made in 1975 (UK)]

14. The Wabbit and the Wolf Storm

Terni the Dragon arrived just before the storm hit the city of Incontinentia. He flew from the corner of a blood red moon to see the team scrambling to the top of a tall block, He was just in time. Wind buffeted the building and it lurched alarmingly. Fitzy Mitzy and Tipsy clung to a street light. Puma shinned up the post behind them but he could barely get a hold. Skratch pulled Lapinette to the roof. The building swayed. The street light shook. Guttering and pipes fell to the street below. The wolf was only paint on mortar but it started to howl. Long mournful shrieks split the air. The moon dropped lower and lower until it seemed to touch the ground. "I'm coming!" roared Terni. He circled then hovered on a cloud of dragon breath. Skratch pulled everyone up and they huddled on the roof as debris whirled around them. "We could use a lift," shouted the Wabbit. Terni dropped lower and lower but the hurricane force swept him back and forth. The wolf howled louder and louder as the building started to crumble. "Better make it now!" shouted the Wabbit. Terni spat fire into the wind and, for an instant, carved a quiet space. One by one they jumped on his back and held onto his scales like grim death. "Where to?" breathed Terni. "High as you can go," yelled the Wabbit. Terni's wings tried to grip the turbulent air and he stuttered like a helicopter. It was touch and go. But the wind lost its grip for a moment and he shot skywards. The wolf's howls gradually became quieter. Far below them, the building and the city collapsed into a pile of dust. "Tidy that," muttered Lapinette.

13. Terni the Dragon and the Big Wind

Terni tore through the night with a message. He'd been sent to scout around but was interrupted by the weather. It was no ordinary weather and he was no ordinary dragon. With some justification, Terni considered himself a cut above most of his cohorts. The Wabbit had helped him relocate and recruited him to his team. Now he was officially a superdragon and took his responsibilities seriously. The following wind tore at his cabbage wings and pushed him forward at an incredible speed. "I have to get ahead of this wind," thought Terni. "I have to warn the Wabbit." Terni thought of food and his tummy rumbled. The resulting flatulent blast gave him an advantage and he gained ground. He kept low and skimmed across asphalt that had the colour of camels. Terni knew better than to look back because the wind was more than a wind. it was a swirling, jagged typhoon with teeth like a dinosaur. It seemed to be looking for something and for now it couldn't be bothered to destroy much. But it shrieked like a thousand banshees and swept cars into neat piles of junk. Terni saw Incontinentia looming, He wondered if maybe he should do something less dangerous - like taking Tipsy for a spin. He chortled quietly to himself. Peppery fire erupted into the bleak night air and lit the road ahead. "Hit it!" breathed Terni.

The Wabbit's Hogmanay Cease Fire

Skratch and Puma escorted the captured Agent to the specified location and then they laughed and laughed! There was food and drink. Agents danced and sang along to wild music. Jenny threw her pirate hat in the air and hooched like a Shetland fiddler. Bells rang out over the stricken city. The captured Agent threw his paws in the air and binkied. The Wabbit began to sing. "A guid New Year to ane and a' an' money may ye see." Lapinette joined in. "An' during a' the years tae come, O happy may ye be." Lapinette's personal guard were already the worse for wear and Tipsy called down. "For the shake of auld lang slime!" Dancing became wilder. "Do you think the truce will hold?" asked Lapinette. "Until the morrow's morn," said the Wabbit. "How can you be certain?" The Wabbit cried with glee. "They'll have bigger hangovers than they have in the Alps." "I'll pass out the aspirins," said Lapinette. "Have you got any now?" asked Jenny. Lapinette pulled a first aid kit from under her frock. The Wabbit passed Jenny a ham and cheese sandwich but not before taking a bite. "How did you find this place?" meaowed Skratch. "Twitter," replied the Wabbit. He executed a pas de basque and downed a malt whisky. "Preventative medicine?" asked Lapinette. "Hooch skirl," yelled the Wabbit.
[A Guid New Year. Sung at Hogmanay (trad Scotland)]

12. Skratch, Puma and the Inept Agent

A watery sun rose over the murky river. Reflections looked like second hand soapsuds as the river moved sluggishly through the City of Incontinentia. The Agent was on his own. He had a bit to go and he was late. A wind sprung up and his fur prickled. He leaned against the parapet, puffing and panting and listening to the water slap against the bridge. He thought about the money he would make. He knew if he found the Wabbit, he would be rich beyond belief. "Penny for your thoughts," growled a voice. The Agent started back, but a feline claw sank into his shoulder. "Going anywhere my fine friend?" Skratch purred menacingly and drew the Agent back over the parapet. The wind became stronger and the Agent grabbed at the wall. Puma growled then screeched. There was nowhere for the Agent to go. "Do you like dangling?" asked Skratch and he sunk his claws deeper. The Agent looked down at the water. The wind picked up speed and whipped the surface into a kind of mousse. He shook his head. "Do you believe in dragons?" said Puma. He looked up and so did the Agent. Terni's roar split the sky as he wheeled from behind a cloud. "I was only going to see a show," coughed the Agent in terror. "Is it a comedy?" purred Skratch. He increased his grip. "We like comedy," growled Puma. He pushed the Agent to the edge of the parapet. The Agent looked away from the swirling water below. Skratch laughed and stood on the Agent's paws. "Comedy's when you fall off the bridge."

11. Jenny and the Lurking Agents

Jenny followed the Agents through the fog. All the way from the docks, they'd chirruped and chattered, so it wasn't so hard to keep pace. Their voices were muffled but Jenny kept close and she could hear everything and more. "We'll get the Wabbit, Skinny," said one. Jenny knew his name was Musty - at least that was what Skinny called him. "Then we'll sell him for gold," said Musty. "To the highest gold digger," giggled Skinny. "Or else we'll dig his grave," laughed Musty. The fog swirled with menace, Lights flickered. There were cries in the dark. "Who's that?" said Skinny suddenly. He glanced over his shoulder. Jenny shrank into the shadows. The slide of an automatic whispered through the fog and Jenny whispered with it. "I must have euro, you know why." "Why?" asked Skinny. "Why, to feed my heart of gold," breathed Jenny. Her sultry voice hung in the damp air. Skinny's eyes lit up with lust and he beat his chest. "Underneath our fur we got, euro and we got a lot!" Jenny stepped from the shadows. "Don't sell cheap, my mother said. Sell expensive, kill 'em dead." The Agents stared into the muzzle of a heavy automatic. "Have you any last requests?" said Jenny. Even though he was far, far away on the other side of the city, the Wabbit heard two shots. "Jenny," he murmured.

10. The Wabbit and the City Fates

Inside, the casino, the show began. Lapinette's personal guard descended from the roof and they were chanting. "We are the fates, we're never late, we're always here, to syncopate the story." The Wabbit found himself grasping cards that floated from above. "There's the Wabbit now," said Fitzy. "Throw him money," said Mitzy. "In Incontinentia everything is about money," yelled Tipsy. "Everything has a price," shouted Fitzy. "Now he can pay!" whispered Tipsy. Lapinette grasped a card and so did the Wabbit. Lapinette's guard slid down the ropes. "It's the poker salon in money town," they chanted. "Never a worry, never a frown," whispered Mitzy, "All you need is ten euro down," sang Tipsy. "And ... pay the rest later," shouted Fitzy. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. "This is quite a show," he smiled. Tipsy laid a paw on his shoulder and asked a question. "You paid admission at the door?" "Yes," said the Wabbit. "Well now we want ten euro more," grinned Mitzy, "What for?" asked the Wabbit. "Dwinks," answered Tipsy. The Wabbit scooped notes from the floor and passed them over. "We want more," said Fitzy. She dug Lapinette in the ribs. "But if you're a spouse, then it's all on the house." Lapinette burst out laughing, pirouetted and burst into tune. "But we only want fun!" Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy climbed up the ropes and called back down. "Fun is extra!"

9. The Wabbit and the Ghostly Casino

Skratch had been sent ahead, undercover. So Lapinette and the Wabbit hopped straight past him and sauntered up to the ghostly casino. They stared at the poster while Skratch continued his banter. "Two for the price of one, everyone free before seven pm. Unaccompanied lady rabbits - free entrance at all times." The Wabbit put his paw behind Lapinette's back and whispered. "We could go in separately." Skratch couldn't help enjoying his act. "Skip the line, skip the line," he meaowed, waving a bunch of VIP passes. "There is no line," whispered Lapinette. "It doesn't even look open," murmured the Wabbit. "I can help you out," interrupted Skratch. He winked a broad wink. "We're nearly full. Just go round the back and knock, then ask for Wabsworth." The Wabbit winked back and slipped Skratch a heavy duty banknote. "That will do nicely," said Skratch and he tucked the cash in his fur. "May I offer you access to a Party Pit?" he added. "Who's in the pit?" asked Lapinette. Skratch waved a paw. "Dancers, prancers and scantily cladsters." The Wabbit effected surprise. "No necromancers?" "This is Incontinentia," said Skratch, "you only get what you pay for." He leaned forward and whispered. "Just get in, I'll back you up." "What if there's trouble?" asked the Wabbit. Skratch leaned forward to slip an automatic into the Wabbit's fur and purred. "Fire at the mirrors..."

8. The Wabbit and Ghosts in the Wash

They met with Lapinette, Mitzy and Fitzy at the agreed coordinates. "What is this awful place?" asked Puma. He scratched the flimsy roof with vigour and it rippled like a rug in a drafty hallway. As if in reply, washing machines juddered into life and drums began to revolve. Each machine span once, then the next and the next. When they finished, they stopped and revolved the other way. Then they sang. "Buy us now and you'll be clean. Clean clean clean, like a tennis team. If you don't buy us right away. Then you'll be dirty all day." Tipsy was forcibly prevented from taking off all her clothes there and then. "Shipshuds!" she cried. Lapinette ignored the washing machines completely and pressed a flier into the Wabbit's paw. "Maybe the explanation is here." The Wabbit examined the card. "A casino?" Lapinette laughed. "Are you feeling lucky?" The Wabbit laughed as well and read the card throughout. "Free entrance," he chortled. "Nothing comes for free in Incontinentia," responded Lapinette. "Maybe they charge a fee to get out," laughed the Wabbit. "Exit money?" snickered Lapinette. "Well. It's tomorrow, let's go," said the Wabbit. Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "What shall we do in the meantime?" "Play cards?" murmured the Wabbit.

7. Tipsy and the Silence of the Agent

They crept into the city by night, but as soon as they arrived, the city ground to a halt. Cars sat at traffic lights. Figures blurred and stopped. But there on a square stood an Agent of Rabit. He was silent, almost motionless, but his mouth seemed to move and Tipsy got annoyed. "I'll get him," she shouted and before the Wabbit could approve it, she ran forward and sprang. Knives flew like birds of prey and one pierced the Agent through the chest. Another knife sliced and blood spattered, but there was no cry of pain. There was nothing at all. "Take that!" yelled Tipsy and she kicked the Agent hard. The Agent swayed and fell to the sidewalk with no sound at all. "It's fake," shouted Tipsy. "As fake as Trump's hair!" smiled the Wabbit. Puma's growl was more of a grumble. "What is this fake place for?" "We're going to find out," said the Wabbit. He hopped forward and inspected the prone figure. "This isn't a real Agent." He rolled it over with his foot. "It's just another faker." Terni the Dragon landed on a couple of pillars and called. "Everywhere is the same, Commander. Nothing is really real." "Maybe we're not real!" yelled Tipsy in exasperation. She kicked a wall ferociously, then shouted in pain. "We're real!" The Wabbit shook his head and grinned. "Let's rendezvous with the team." Terni's wings beat a silent tattoo on the rooftops as Puma and the Wabbit moved off. Tipsy groaned and limped after them ...

6. The Wabbit and the Listless City

The Wabbit looked at the fence and the city behind it. "Is that it?" asked Puma. "Is it Incontinentia?"  "We'll soon find out," said the Wabbit. He blasted the padlock and it fell apart. "Yep," grunted the Wabbit. Terni the Dragon wheeled high in the air and the Wabbit signalled for a report. "It's arid, with a strong sense of ennui," roared Terni. His roar shook plastic panels like shirts in a breeze. The Wabbit waited until the shaking stopped. Then he kicked the gate. Hinges disintegrated in a shower of rust and the gate swung open. Terni swooped back above the city. "Nothing's moving Commander. Nothing except us." Clouds of mist hung behind the city blocks. But suddenly they began to swirl and the city whirred like a generator. Lights came on. Traffic hummed. "It's a machine," breathed Puma. The Wabbit pressed a button. His Snazer gun whined as it recharged. "Just a machine," he whispered. The city settled into a listless, mesmerising hum. But a sudden voice startled Puma and he hissed, "What took you so long?" Tipsy leaned across the fence, dangling an automatic and pouting. "The shops are opening." she lisped. The Wabbit grinned. "Then we'll need money" Tipsy tossed her automatic from paw to paw. "We'll get some; it's that sort of city ..."

5. The Wabbit disturbs the Quiet Zone

There wasn't a flash or a bang, just the sudden appearance of the Wabbit. His special glasses cut through the fog. "Ah, here it is," he murmured. "Just what we've been looking for." Buildings swam out of the gloom. A roadway emerged from a tunnel. A factory chimney poked skyward. He swept his Snazer back and forward and grunted. Terni and Puma became aware of sounds, low at first but steadily increasing in volume. "Is this Incontinentia?" asked Terni. "The outskirts," said the Wabbit, "Here the denizens do business in grim offices and grimy sweatshops." "Don't they have any fun?" growled Puma. "They pretend to have fun," said the Wabbit. "But all is appearance and nothing is real." Terni swooped into the air to look around. "I can see something, but there's still a mist." "Pollution," said the Wabbit. Little by little, they moved onwards. Twigs gave way to crazed asphalt, ruptured and potholed by eons of neglect. Repairs had been made here and there, but they only served to make the surface nastier. The Zone crowded in again. Twigs cracked soundlessly as they carefully poked their way through a forest of interminable quiet. It began to get dark. The Wabbit's glasses burst into a searchlight glare - and yes, up ahead, there was something. It was a gate in a fence - and the fence stretched as far as their eyes could see ...

4. Puma and Terni in the Quiet Zone

As instructed by the Wabbit, Puma and Terni the Dragon made their way across the Zone. "Why do we always get this job?" moaned Terni. The Zone was threatening although absolutely nothing happened there. Terni wondered if that was the reason. He gave a roar and a puff of dragon breath joined the fog. "I thought I saw a twig move," said Puma. "I think I saw it too," said Terni. Puma let out one of his most menacing shrieks but the Zone silenced it. "This must be the quietest place in the world," said Terni. As they carefully moved on, Puma purred a question. "Do you know anything of this City of Incontinentia?" Terni fluttered his cabbage wings. "I hear it's a dreary place, where everything is bought and sold and nothing is worth anything." Puma prodded an uncertain forest floor but felt nothing. "Well, it can't be worse than here." He swerved and tried to kick up a wind, but nothing moved. He pawed at motionless branches. "I can see a sign," observed Terni. Puma waited patiently for news. "It says, 'Shhh! Silence Please'," bellowed Terni. "I don't like it here!" screeched Puma. "Let's try being very, very quiet," whispered Terni. He fluttered down and became as still as a gargoyle. Puma crouched and froze. Then everything started to change ...

3. The Wabbit and the Personal Guard

Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy comprised Lapinette's personal guard, so the Wabbit approached with considerable caution. They were prancing on top of the elevator car that went up to the dome and the climb had been arduous. "Ahem," said the Wabbit. Tipsy seemed to be playing a tune on a fearsome edged weapon but she paused. "You shouldn't cweep up on us, Commander." "Jeepers," said Fitzy. She waved an automatic at Mitzy. "Schtick 'em up Shiblet!" Mitzy stroked her snazer rifle and shook her head. "My pawsicles are so full." The Wabbit took a deep breath. "Your Christmas orders." "Put me down for a crate of beer," yelled Tipsy. The Wabbit smiled as benevolently as he could. "No, your mission assignment." Tipsy lurched a bit. "Do tell, Commander!" The Wabbit nodded courteously. "We're going to Incontinentia." Tipsy burst out laughing and couldn't stop. "Cheese Whizz!" said Fitzy, holding her nose. "Are there interesting little shoplets?" asked Mitzy. The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "In Incontinentia, they're everywhere in peril." "Shitake shakers!" shouted Mitzy. Fitzy turned to stare at the Wabbit and racked her automatic. "I call that tyraninny." The Wabbit gently pushed Fitzy's automatic away from his fur. "Tyraninny of the Third Kind," he muttered.

2. The Wabbit and Lapinette's Task

The Wabbit caught up with Lapinette at the back of the Old Chocolate Factory in Pozzo Strada. She was polishing her automatic and barely turned. "You have a card with you?" It was statement rather than a question, so the Wabbit grinned a lop side grin. "It says 'Luck, Tyranny and Revenge'." Lapinette took the card but hardly glanced at it. "Wabbit, it says 'Lust, Tyranny and Revenge'." The Wabbit didn't turn a hair. "Same thing," he smiled. Lapinette continued to polish until her Makarov took on a blue sheen. She rubbed it on her dress and poked a loose safety catch. It swung, then fell off. "Wabbit we need new stuff." she sighed. "I'll place a Christmas requisition," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was in danger of polishing the Makarov into dust. Two clicks rang out as she racked the slide with ease. "Do lust, tyranny and revenge remind you of anything?" she asked. "Westerns," quipped the Wabbit. Lapinette breathed on the automatic, polished some more, then sprayed it all over with WD 40. "No," she said, "we must be headed for Incontinentia." "Never heard of it," said the Wabbit, shaking his head back and forth. "Near Rome," shrugged Lapinette. "Does it have shops?" asked the Wabbit. "Everywhere has shops," replied Lapinette. "Then I'll make a list," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Christmas Paper

The shops were set to close but it didn't deter window shoppers and they flocked around like geese on vacation. It was there, just off Via Gramsci where Wabsworth caught sight of the Wabbit. He was carrying something festive. "Christmas shopping?" inquired Wabsworth. The Wabbit smiled and patted the brightly coloured roll of Christmas paper. "I just picked up our Christmas orders." "Oh," said Wabsworth, "anything interesting?" "I haven't looked yet," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth was the Wabbit's android double - but some time had passed since he was made. Now his personality diverged considerably from the Wabbit. So he gave the Wabbit a nudge. "Let's look now." The Wabbit held the roll to one eye and looked inside. He shrugged. "There doesn't seem to be anything in here." He shook it hard, but nothing fell out. "Maybe it's written on the wrapping paper?" suggested Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked around, but all the shoppers stared into the windows, pointing and commenting. "OK," he said, I'll unroll it." Carefully he prised away some sticky tape and unrolled the paper. They both had a quick look. "There is something written on a card," cried the Wabbit, "but this light is terrible, can you read it?" Wabsworth studied it carefully. Just then, the tiny card came unstuck and fell to the ground. Wabsworth picked it up. "It says, 'Luck, Tyranny and Revenge'." "Cheerful!" grinned the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The arcade just off Piazza San Carlo was quiet. People drifted past. No-one paid the slightest attention as Skratch descended on the caffè table wearing his new t-shirt. As always, he greeted everyone with the question, "What was that for a sort of adventure?" Wabsworth was the first to respond. "I thought it was a rather jolly rom-com." Skratch's tail shot up straight in the air and quivered for a while. "I agree," he said, "and although the movement of the image tends to narrative resolution, the question of desire was continually foregrounded." "Desire for what?" asked Lapinette. "Desire for a kiss," said the Wabbit. He puckered his lips. Skratch smiled smugly. "We're talking about the kiss and symbolic desire, a jouissance that tests the limits of social reality." "That's Lacan," said Lapinette. Suddenly she slid a hat across the table. "I found it in the market." "A hat such as that is iconographic," meaowed Skratch. Wabsworth peered at the hat. "What does it say round the brim?" "Kiss me quick," said Lapinette, "OK," said the Wabbit brightly and puckered his lips again. Lapinette effected a pained expression. "But I'm not wearing the hat." "Let me put it on for you," grinned the Wabbit.
[jouissance; Fr. enjoyment. In Lacan's psychoanalysis, it is paradoxical enjoyment transgressing pleasure.]

7. Lapinette and Sealed with a Kiss

With the kiss trapped in the cinema foyer, they considered what to do. The kiss just wouldn't desist and it darted back and forth, kissing movie posters. 'Again', it murmured with each kiss. Suction mwahs echoed dully from girders and plate glass. "It wants another kiss back," sighed Lapinette. "Well, it's your kiss," yelled the Wabbit. With the strength of ten rabbits he hoisted her up. Lapinette flailed and the kiss buzzed past her ears. She grabbed with her paws - but every time the kiss broke free. "Go get it, Lap!" shouted the Wabbit and he hoisted her higher. He saw Lapinette get a bead on the kiss. Her eyes narrowed, then the Wabbit saw her ears twitch in a manner he'd seen before. He kept her rock steady. "Kiss the kiss," he shouted. The kiss dived in, straight as a die - and stuck fast to Lapinette. Lapinette gasped and unpeeled it. "I haven't used that lipstick in years." The Wabbit set Lapinette down. "Phew," he said. But the kiss suddenly jumped at his face. He peeled it off and decided on a date. "Good vintage," he murmured. Lapinette smiled. "I made it myself." The Wabbit threw the kiss directly at Lapinette and said, "The kiss belongs to you." The kiss kissed her lips briefly then vanished. Lapinette tried her lips cautiously, then looked at the Wabbit. "Now you kiss me." The Wabbit puckered his lips. "All in a day's work!"

6. The Wabbit and the Persistent Kiss

Susan the Biplane went into a spin, then lurched and bumped until she was upside down. The Wabbit clambered from the cockpit and dived for the undercarriage. He gritted his teeth in the face of the wind - until a shout from Lapinette alerted him to the kiss heading his way. "Pucker!" Lapinette's message was barely audible, but the Wabbit nodded and complied. Susan steadied as the kiss dived at the Wabbit. He flinched as it veered and whacked him on the ears. "Pucker up!" yelled Lapinette as the kiss swooped round and back. The Wabbit gripped the undercarriage and screwed up his face. The kiss dived. The Wabbit met it head on. There was a splat as the kiss stuck to the Wabbit's mouth. The Wabbit wheezed and gasped for air. "Breathe Wabbit," yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit's sucked at his lungs for all he was worth and breathed out through his nose. The kiss stuck like glue. "Kiss it back!" shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit had little breath to play with but he summoned enough to push outwards. Through the chatter of the engines, Lapinette heard a 'pfah' from the Wabbit. The kiss inflated, then sucked with the force of a high pressure pump. The Wabbit gasped then tried again. This time Lapinette heard a forceful 'Mwah!' and she smiled in triumph. The kiss stopped dead. The Wabbit peeled it from his face and looked at it. "Again," said the kiss ... 

5. The Wabbit and the Aerial Kissing

The kiss flew up and beyond their grasp. So with engines growling, Susan the Biplane took them both into the air. "Susan has altitude!" grinned the Wabbit. A sudden crackle of the radio. "Behind that cloud," said Susan, "that kiss is coming in quick." She looped then stood on a wing tip. "How shall I line up, Commander?" The Wabbit sized up the kiss. "One o'clock," he nodded." But the kiss dived past them, grazing the fuselage. "Mwah!" yelled the kiss with a Doppler whine that didn't sound friendly. "The cheek of it" shouted Susan. She looped to the rear and a short battle ensued - as fast and as close as a knife fight in a phone booth. The kiss rattled like a machine gun. "Mwah mah mwah mah mama!" Angry kisses stung Susan's wings. Lapinette clung onto the wires and yelled. "Kiss the Wabbit!" But the kiss flew directly up, then poised for another dive. The Wabbit angled his face directly at it. "Kiss me," he muttered. He stared as the kiss dived towards him, getting bigger and bigger until all he could see was pink. "Myahhh" whined the kiss as it veered away at the last moment. "Mwa ma ma mama," stuttered the kiss and it spiralled back. "Not my ears!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette watched the Wabbit try three more times for a direct kiss. Then suddenly his teeth flashed. "Drunken Rabbit Manoeuvre. Now!" Lapinette gripped the wires and prayed ..

4. The Wabbit and the Kiss Window

Together with Scarecrow, they pursued the flyaway kiss. Just as they passed a bookshop window, a voice spoke. It was a familiar voice and it seemed to have a point of view on kissing. "It kissed me twice, that's more than usual," said a face in the window. The kiss buzzed past Lapinette's head and flew down the street, leaving an indelible mark on the face. "Come back kiss," shouted the face. But the kiss took no notice and flew on. The face seemed to turn to Lapinette. "Is that your kiss? You should take better care of it." Lapinette ignored the vanishing kiss and explained. "My kiss escaped from a charity event and we can't stop it." "I'd like to help you," gazed the face, "but my face is under house arrest." The face managed a wry smile. "The only way to stop a kiss is to kiss it back." Lapinette scowled. "I can't kiss my own kiss!" The Wabbit grinned. "Then I'll do it. I must meet it face on." "Absolutely precisely, with passion. No half kissing," said the face; "that's just kissing in self defense." The Wabbit thought for a bit, but as he pondered, the kiss zoomed back, making mwah sounds as it swooped around. It hovered close to the Wabbit's head and he made several attempts to kiss it directly - all without success. "That was a near kiss," said the face. With a whooshing noise, the kiss vanished again ..

3. The Wabbit and the Flyaway Kiss

Lapinette and the Wabbit chased Lapinette's kiss through shops, streets and on trams - but the kiss didn't stop until it came to an urban organic garden. There it settled on a scarecrow's cheek and planted a resounding smacker, the sound of which could be heard some distance away. Then it fluttered onwards. Lapinette jumped up and down. "We have to find my kiss, it shouldn't be out on its own." "Let's ask the scarecrow," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette looked skeptical but nonetheless she hopped on a bench and looked up at the scarecrow's face. "How was the kiss, Mr Scarecrow?" "The scarecrow's head swiveled to face her. "Hot," he said, pointing to the disappearing kiss. "I thought it was a pretty butterfly, I hoped it would stay." Lapinette jumped higher. "My kiss escaped from a charity event and I have to get it back." "Is it dangerous?" asked the scarecrow. He rubbed his cheek, smiled and waved to the now distant kiss. "Yes," replied Lapinette, "It could be hazardous if it falls onto the wrong face." "Then please let me help you," said the scarecrow. Lapinette looked at him. "Aren't you stuck here?" The scarecrow rustled his straw. "That's what they think," he murmured, "but I'm quite ambulant and have a spare set of clothes in my shed." "Did the kiss say anything?" asked the Wabbit. "It said mwah smooch!" grinned the scarecrow. "Ah," said the Wabbit, "That's two more clues ..."