The Wabbit's Reverse Homing Dove

When he saw Parakalo the Dove the Wabbit screeched to a sudden halt. "We're heading for the ferry!" he shouted. "And home," added Lapinette. "Did we forget anything?" asked the Wabbit. "No," said Parakalo. "I wanted to say something." Lapinette and the Wabbit looked at Parakalo with affectionate eyes. "I had a very exciting time," he warbled. Wabbit nodded cheerfully. "So did we!" "I enjoyed it a lot!" added Parakalo. "Us too!" said Lapinette. Parakalo cooed three times. "I would like to continue." "Nothing to stop you," smiled the Wabbit. "With you," said Parakalo. Lapinette answered first. "You'd like to come with us?" "I'd like to have adventures with you," cooed Parakalo. The Wabbit pretended to look grave. "I'm afraid we wouldn't be able to pay you very much." "You mean yes!" cried Parakalo and he spread his wings wide. "I'll see you in Turin." In an instant he wheeled and shot into the air. Lapinette and the Wabbit looked up but Parakalo was a mere dot in the sky. They watched until the dot disappeared, then Lapinette turned to the Wabbit. "Where's the Department going to put him?" The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth and gunned the throttle. "Aerial espionage?" "Better radio Wabsworth," said Lapinette. "Why?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled sweetly. "To find accommodation, of course." The Wabbit wore a sinister smirk. "The old abandoned tower will do."  "I didn't know there was one," sighed Lapinette. "I've got the Tower," sang the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's Greek Adventure Caffè

Still a little dazed, the Wabbit, Lapinette and Parakalo the Dove adjourned to a caffè in a nearby village. They were about to order aperitivi when Skratch and Jenny appeared from a field. "We found you at last," said Skratch. "We've been looking all over," said Jenny. "It was a sair trachle," said Stone. The Wabbit looked up. "Skratch! How's married life?" Skratch looked at Jenny and Jenny looked back. "What are you talking about?" asked Skratch. "You got married," said Lapinette, "and Robot officiated." "How long have you been drinking here?" said Skratch. "It's the heat," suggested Jenny. Lapinette glanced sharply at the Wabbit. "I told you these creatures were dangerous!" Parakalo cooed for a long time. "Who's that?" asked Skratch. "Parakalo," said the Wabbit. "Pleased to meet you," said Skratch. "Parakalo," said Parakalo. The Wabbit hastily changed the subject. "Well? What was that for a sort of adventure?" Jenny laughed. "It looks like hallucinatory realism!" Skratch purred at Jenny with admiration. "It appeared to have a dream-analogous authenticity." "It was both concrete and believable," offered Parakalo. He suddenly cooed in a three part call and started gathering twigs. Skratch had been puzzling. "Perhaps the wedding aesthetically enhanced reality." The Wabbit tried to clear his head. "Are you getting married or not?" "Yes," said Skratch. "Nearly," said Jenny. "That's close enough," said Lapinette
[A sair trachle: (Scottish dialect) To drag one's self onwards when fatigued,] 

10. The Wabbit and the Issue of Nothing

Lapinette and the Wabbit took cover behind an old farm building as the light creatures sailed around in formation. "What's happening?" yelled the Wabbit. "The Quantum Parabolas are merging!" shouted Lapinette. "Stay clear!" "But they're made of nothing!" The Wabbit was exasperated, "How can nothing merge?" Lapinette shouted back really hard because the sound of the dancing Parabolas was piercing and yet somehow it didn't exist. Her ears tingled. "Nothing isn't really nothing!" she screamed, "in the quantum universe nothing is always something!" Now the Wabbit had a clue and his ears bent back and his fur crawled. "Everything that can happen, does happen," whistled Parakalo. The sound cut through like crystal and the Wabbit found time to shrug. "Why does it always happen to me?" he murmured. Lapinette shook her head because she knew that things did happen to the Wabbit. She felt he was a magnet for dubious phenomena and occasionally pointed it out. "No wonder you can't have a holiday!" she pouted. The Wabbit was feeling strange. "Yes, we must go on holiday,"  he yelled. Lapinette was beginning to feel most peculiar. "We're going on Friday," she said. "What day is today?" asked the Wabbit in a dazed voice. Parakalo was feeling strange too. "The day before yesterday," he cooed. Suddenly the Parabolas became one enormous entity and with a curious liquid plop, faded until there was nothing. "Nothing comes of nothing," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Nothing

Suddenly they were there. Light creatures floated around the dovecote and went inside. But they kept coming. More and more creatures appeared until the sky was thick with gold. "If we're going to do it," said the Wabbit, "it had better be now." They turned and ran. Without taking aim, Lapinette fired casually over her shoulder and tracer rounds poured from her automatic in a single stream. "Yikes," yelled the Wabbit, "what happens next?" "You rabbits are good fun," trilled Parakalo. His wings beat so fast that whistling noises echoed around the rocks. "The light creatures will be caught in a crossfire," shouted Lapinette. "They'll disappear," "Didn't you say they were made of nothing?" panted the Wabbit. "Exactly." said Lapinette. "Nothing is exactly what we're doing." The Wabbit looked bamboozled, but quickened his pace. "Supposing something does happen?" Lapinette started to bound. "We could all be thrust into an alternate universe." "Filled with nothing," added Parakalo. "You catch on fast," observed the Wabbit, who hadn't the slightest clue. He started to bound too and with each bound he wished he hadn't missed his quantum mechanics class, having instead gone to the library to read Jean Paul Sartre. "What do you prefer?" he bellowed, "being or nothingness?" "I think I prefer to be Lapinette," shouted Lapinette.

8. The Wabbit and the Solar Plan

With a specially built dovecote and a few items garnered from a small yard in Volax that only Parakalo knew about, the Wabbit and Lapinette surveyed their handiwork. "Do you think it will work?" smiled the Wabbit. "Oh ye of little faith," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit was already mouthing Lapinette's reply but he glanced away in case of trouble. "Do you have a name for it?" he asked. "SunSol" said Lapinette. "Sounds like orange juice," said the Wabbit. "You'll be juice in a minute," laughed Lapinette. Parakalo cooed softly and his wings made a whirring sound. "Here they come," he said. The Wabbit looked into the sky and screwed up his eyes. "They took the bait," he murmured. "Just as planned," said Lapinette. "They aren't awfully bright," commented the Wabbit. Lapinette squinted into a corner of a cloud. "I said they were dangerous, I didn't mention brains." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "They won't like it when they go Kaboom." "They're made of Nothing," said Lapinette. "They've got nothing to go Kaboom with." "No Kaboom?" sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled a smile that the Wabbit found particularly sinister. "If things go wrong Wabbit, it's us that will go Kaboom!" Parakalo made a short coo, followed by two longer ones. "They're getting closer." Lapinette took out her automatic. "What's that for?" asked the Wabbit. "Consider it my remote control," said Lapinette.

7. The Wabbit & the Fantastic Wedding

They gathered at the church and assembled into a traditional group. Robot adopted a special voice, which he had learned from recorded ceremonies and commenced with gusto. "Dearly beloved," he intoned. "We are gathered to join this rabbit and this cat in matrimony." The Wabbit looked with wonder. "Is there anyone here," said Robot solemnly, "who knows of any cause or impediment why these two may not be joined together?" The Wabbit looked across at Lapinette and flinched as she shot him a warning glance. Robot raised his metallic voice. "If ye do, confess it!" Silence fell apart from the faint cooing of Parakalo the Dove. Robot continued. "Skratch, wilt thou have this rabbit as your wedded wife, forsaking all others as long as ye both shall live?" Skratch gulped and murmured, "I will." Speak up Skratch," whispered the Wabbit. "I will!" yelled Skratch so loudly that mortar fell from the wall. "Jenny," said Robot softly, "Wilt thou have this cat as thy wedded husband?" "Why not?" replied Jenny. Lapinette prodded her fiercely in the back. "I will," said Jenny. Robot turned. "Who giveth this rabbit to be married to this cat?" "That's me!" said the Wabbit and he rummaged for the spare ring he had stored in his fur. Robot turned to Skratch then to Jenny. "Hold paws and plight thy troth." Everyone sighed with relief - but there was a strange sound from the rear and they all looked round. "Weddings mak me greet." sniffled Stone.
[Greet. Scottish dialect: Cry]

6. The Wabbit and the Happy Couple

The moment the Wabbit and Lapinette reached Tinos Town, they ran into Skratch and Jenny. "Ah, there you are!" said the Wabbit. "I've got a bit of work for you." Skratch stepped back. "Wabbit, I'm obliged to ensure you take a rest." The Wabbit grinned. "It's only some annoying Light Creatures." "They're double dangerous!" yelled Lapinette. "Nothing we can't handle," said the Wabbit. "What's that bird?" asked Jenny suddenly. "Parakalo," said Parakalo the Dove. "Parakalo in what sense?" queried Skratch. "Look, we've been through this already," said the Wabbit, "we just need a few supplies." "So do we - we're getting married," said Jenny. "What?" yelled Lapinette and the Wabbit together. "It's all arranged," said Skratch, "and you're giving Jenny away." "Who's your best man then?" asked the Wabbit. "You," said Jenny. The Wabbit gasped in astonishment. "I seem to be doing a lot of things." "What am I doing?" asked Lapinette. "Bridesmaid," said Jenny. It was Lapinette's turn to gasp. "I've nothing to wear," she sighed. The Wabbit shook his head. "And where is the ceremony?" "Panagia Evangelistria," nodded Skratch. "You have been busy," commented the Wabbit - with more than a hint of sarcasm. But Lapinette smiled benignly. "All right, who's officiating at the wedding?" "Robot arrives on the next ferry," said Skratch. "That's suitably secular," grinned the Wabbit, who was warming to the idea. Skratch purred with delight, "He's been working on a spiritual sub routine!"
[Our Lady of Tinos (Panagia Evangelistria: Literally, the All-Holy Bringer of Good News) ]

5. The Wabbit and Essential Supplies

The Wabbit twisted the steering wheel and tried to let the jeep soak up the road. "You could try slowing down a bit, Wabbit," said Lapinette, "I doubt if the Light Creatures are going anywhere." "Make haste while the sun shines," said the Wabbit. Lapinette winced but refused to be drawn. Parakalo broke in. "In this neck of the island," he cooed, "the sun invariably shines." "All the more reason for speed," laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette held on as the jeep's wheels lifted, but it clung to the bend nonetheless. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "What do we need for the job?" Lapinette reeled off a list of impossible to obtain items, "Six photoluminescent wafers." "OK," said the Wabbit. "A molecular beam epitaxer," "Right," said the Wabbit. "... and an interband electro-optical absorber." Lapinette thought for a minute. "Where do we find them?" "Tinos does have a hardware shop you know," cooed Parakalo. "It's not that far from Athens." Lapinette looked sceptical. "We may have to compromise," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette’s shoulders slumped. "What do you suggest?" "Six torches," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" sighed Lapinette. "Five second hand solar panels," shrugged the Wabbit. "And then ... ?" asked  Lapinette. "Ten salvaged computer fans." said the Wabbit, "so can you do it?" "I have a reputation as a miracle worker" laughed Lapinette.

4, The Wabbit & the Quantum Parabolas

Deep inland, Lapinette, the Wabbit and Parakalo the Stone Dove reached the top of a hill - and there it was. "Looks quiet enough," murmured the Wabbit. "Oh really Wabbit," sighed Lapinette. "Why are we ferreting out other people's enemies?" "Fun and interest," said the Wabbit and he screwed up his eyes, because although evening drew close, the light was taxing. "They're here," said Parakalo, nodding to the dovecote. Lapinette caught a flash of gold and angled her head to focus on an opening. "I think I see one," she said. "So what's your opinion?" smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette's brain whirred. "It looks like a quantum parabola," she said, "but I could be mistaken." "Parabola?" asked Parakalo. The Wabbit smiled at his pronunciation, parah-baloh, but Lapinette dug him in the ribs. "The light becomes entangled in a quantum lattice field," she continued, "and is impelled to take on solid shape with limited stability." The Wabbit's ears bent to the side and his teeth chattered. "It's not actually made of light," said Lapinette, "it just holds it." "So what is it made of?" asked Parakalo. "Nothing," shrugged Lapinette. "So they're not dangerous?" smiled the Wabbit. Lapinette shook her head vigourously. "On the contrary," she grimaced. "They're beyond lethal."

3. The Wabbit and Stress Reduction

Lapinette and the Wabbit ambled through Tinos. Parakalo the Dove hovered alongside them, pointing out places of interest. But the Wabbit kept peering round corners. "What are you looking for?" sighed Lapinette. "I thought I saw an Agent of Rabit," said the Wabbit. "And ..?" said Lapinette. "It was a souvenir towel, flapping in the breeze," confessed the Wabbit. "Anything else, while we're on the subject?" asked Lapinette in a sarcastic voice. "Maybe you saw a platoon of Wasp creatures on the roofs?" "Now you mention it," said the Wabbit, "I did see something on a roof." Lapinette's eyes rose under her sunglasses. The Wabbit glanced into a doorway and looked back. "It was six solar panels lined up like alien soldiers." "Will you relax?" yelled Lapinette. A cooing took the Wabbit's attention. "Commander, you need an activity," said Parakalo. "There's something you could check for me." Lapinette hopped up and down. "The Wabbit's on vacation to rest and relax!" "Let's hear what it is," grinned the Wabbit. "Oh, I give up," said Lapinette. Parakalo looked down. "Some of our famous dovecotes have been taken over ..." The Wabbit became interested. "... by strange creatures," continued Parakalo. "composed entirely of light." "Mmm. That's interesting and different," said the Wabbit, "point them out!" "Sometimes we can see them, sometimes we can't," said Parakalo. "No, Wabbit, don't you dare!" screamed Lapinette. "A change is as good is as a rest," grinned the Wabbit ...

2. Skratch, Jenny and the Greek Landing

Skratch and Rabbit Jenny came ashore at the far end of the Island, accompanied by Stone. "Ach, it's gey hot," shouted Stone. "Greece islands can get hot," said Jenny. "Not to mention the wind," remarked Skratch. "I don't mind the wind," yelled Stone. But no-one could hear him. "Where do we meet the Wabbit?" asked Skratch. "Tinos," said Jenny. Skratch thought for a minute. "Isn't there a fine church there?" Jenny was very familiar with islands. "Pilgrims crawl there on hands and knees uphill from the wharf." "Is it far?" asked Skratch. "800 metres," replied Jenny. "It would be worth it," said Skratch. Jenny looked puzzled. "Churches do weddings," said Skratch. Now Jenny smiled, because she remembered Skratch had asked for her hook in marriage - and although she hadn't said yes, she hadn't said no. "We need Certificates of No Impediment," said Jenny. "I know Ambassadors," said Skratch. "And then we must post notices," added Jenny. "I have a printer," said Skratch. "We require Apostilles," said Jenny. "Ledger at the Department will send it all in the diplomatic bag," said Skratch. Jenny grinned. "Someone has to give me away." "The Wabbit," said Skratch. "You need to be certain I'll say yes," said Jenny. Skratch brightened. "I'm confident you will." Jenny poked Skratch with her hook. "Then what are we waiting for?" But Skratch seemed distracted and looked up. "Did you see that strange change in the light?" "We'd better investigate," said Jenny ...

Hague Convention Apostille. Apostille is a stamp or seal that signifies a document is legal and authentic; 
Gey: Scottish dialect. Very

1. The Wabbit and the Parakalo Bird

Lapinette was relieved to drive from the ramp of the big ferry. The Wabbit was not happy sailing on a ship if he wasn't in charge and she had twice prevented him from interfering. It was extremely hot on the island and the jeep's temperature gauge looked alarmingly high. So Lapinette paused on the dock for a moment and the Wabbit hopped out to check. "Parakalo," said a voice. Lapinette glanced to her left and saw a large white bird made of stone. The Wabbit looked up. "In what sense?" he asked politely. "In a welcoming, hospitable sense,” said the bird, "may I help you in any way?" "We're on vacation," said Lapinette. "My name is Lapinette and this is Commander Wabbit. He is required to relax, rest and generally chill out." Perfect,” said the bird. "I will accompany you." "We couldn’t possibly impose," smiled Lapinette. "It is our custom," responded the bird and he made a soft cooing sound. "I will improve my language skills." Lapinette doubted that listening to the Wabbit would improve anyone’s language skills, but she nodded agreeably. The Wabbit nodded too. "Parakalo," he murmured. "How do you know my name?" asked the bird. "Lucky guess," grinned the Wabbit.

[Parakalo: Greek, roughly “please,” but it has a variety of meanings in polite conversation, depending on context.]

The Wabbit and the Guidance of Unut

"Commander!" said Unut sternly. The Wabbit wished he hadn't accepted coffee because his paws trembled as they often did when he met the Rabbit Goddess. "Commander, you did well. You drew out the MacDrabs and eliminated them." Now the Wabbit was surprised, because he was expecting just a little trouble. "All in a year's work," he smiled. "You're not finished," said Unut, "but I wish to thank Duetta Spyder for performing her appropriate historical role." Duetta rustled her legs silkily. "Whit aboot me?" asked Stone. "Whit aboot ye?" replied Unut. "Have ah tae hing aboot wae the Wabbit?" "For now," said Unut. Stone was about to say "Great!" but he thought better of it. "Ah suppose ah'll hae tae thole it." he moaned. "There's more work to do," said Unut, "and you Stone, will work with the Wabbit and his team." "Jings" said Stone. Unut turned to the Wabbit. "But first Commander, you clearly need a vacation." The Wabbit's eyes lit up. "You're off to Greece." "Greece?" replied the Wabbit. "Take the Lovely Lapinette," said Unut. "Skratch the Cat and Rabbit Jenny will go with you to ensure you take a rest." Oh, OK," sulked the Wabbit. "You'll need the Jeeps," said Unut. "I'm sending you somewhere remote and roads can be rough." "OK OK," said the Wabbit. Unut frowned. "One more thing, Commander." The Wabbit cringed. "No adventures," smiled Unut.
[Jings: Scottish expression, popularised by cartoon character Oor Wullie (Our William) in the Sunday Post newspaper No translation. Hing aboot: Hang about. Ah'll hae tae thole it:  I have no option but to tolerate it.]

The Wabbit and the Stone Alliance

The Wabbit convened a special meeting with Stone and Marshall Duetta Spyder before their audience with Unut in the Dark Basement of the Goddesses. "I need to clear something up," said the Wabbit." "Go ahead, Sonny," said Stone. "You ask away." "You two already know each other?" "Aye we do," said Duetta. The Wabbit looked puzzled, so Duetta went on silkily. "I am the direct descendant of a famous Spider." The Wabbit still looked puzzled. "Roberto Il Bruce!" sighed Duetta. Stone watched as the Wabbit's brain whirred. "The King of Scotland?" he exclaimed. Stone let the Wabbit off the hook. "Bruce had been defeated and his armies scattered." Now Duetta continued. "But in his refuge, a cave, he was inspired by a spider who's endurance was unlimited." Stone laughed with delight. "The spider tried seven times to make her web but eventually she did it." The Wabbit grinned because now he remembered the legend - so he finished the story himself. "Bruce returned to the fray and chased the foreign army away." "That's how we know of each other," said Stone. "I'm the original Stone. I wasn't stolen by the scunner Edward. I was in that cave with Bruce and the spider." The Wabbit threw his head back, laughing with delight. "Sounds like a great film," he smiled. "Stoneheart!" said Stone. "Braveweb," said Duetta. The Wabbit shook his head, amazed. "That chasm on Wablantis is really Bruce's cave?" "And ye took yer time getting there, Sonny" said Stone. "Aye!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's Big Adventure Caffè

It had been a long adventure. Now the team assembled at a special venue for preprandials. The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat arrived late at the very same moment. "Whit was that for a kind of adventure?" laughed Stone. Skratch addressed the Wabbit directly. "It was complete excess," said Skratch. "A diabolical cross between Visconti and Spielberg." The Wabbit looked chirpy and reached for his glass. "It was colourful, eventful and ultimately far too long," added Lapinette. The Wabbit's face fell. "It was the explosives," he murmured to no one in particular. "Don't worry about it, Sonny," said Stone. "It might have featured a lonely stone struggling for survival in a Scottish village." "In 1945," said Wabsworth dreamily. He was nestling in the corner nursing a glass of rum, feeling cosy. "We had more battles than Braveheart," laughed Jenny. Now the Wabbit laughed. "I thought I was in trouble," he smiled. "You are," glared Lapinette. "The damage cost plenty, Wabbit." "Take it out my Dinosaur Fund," suggested the Wabbit. "Not enough," said Lapinette. "Via Arsenale Sports and Social Fund?" "Hardly," said Lapinette. Stone raised his voice. "Dinna fash yersel*. I have enough in gilts, Sonny," Lapinette looked inquisitive. "When do the gilts expire?" asked the Wabbit. "They're from 1694, they're in perpetuity," said Stone. "Endless!" said the Wabbit. "Like my love for you, Lapinette."
[Dinna fash yersel: Don't get worked up, don't bother about it.]

13. The Wabbit and the Big Kaboom

The Wabbit and his team ran for their lives. It was the fastest they had ever ran and that was a good thing. From behind there came a low rumbling sound, then several cracks, then a mighty explosion that sent a shower of MacDrabs high above the city. All became still and they started to slow. "Keep running," yelled the Wabbit. A series of smaller booms shook buildings, then lights in the area flickered and died. "Whit on earth did ye put in the fake stones?" shouted Stone. "CL20," shrugged the Wabbit. "He usually uses C4," yelled Lapinette. "I got it sale or return," yelled Skratch. "It was a bargain buy." "That was a sledgehammer to crack a nut, Wabbit," panted Jenny. Lapinette found time to turn. "And it's going to cost us," she shouted. The Wabbit finally stopped. They turned to look back and a crimson red sky lit their faces. "Worth it," murmured the Wabbit. "Too much damage," stated Jenny sternly. "Urban redevelopment?" suggested the Wabbit meekly. No-one spoke. The temporary silence was only broken by the sound of falling debris. "The job is done," said Stone. "Unless ye have any more enemies in your fur." "Who's buying the aperitivi?" laughed Skratch. "Now that it's all over," said the Wabbit, "I think it's my turn." "All over bar the shouting," sighed Lapinette who was making a rough calculation of the damage. "I'll cover for Attila the Hun here," smiled Stone. "I think this one's my shout."
[It's my shout: I am paying the cost (usually for drinks/meal]

12. The Wabbit and the Droning Stone

The MacDrabs pricked up their ears as they became aware of droning behind the screen. It got louder and louder and louder. Suddenly there was a tune and the MacDrabs swung to their left as the Wabbit and Skratch the Cat marched into the hall playing bagpipes. But they were so intent on watching that they missed Stone as he burst through the screen. "Heuch!" he shouted. "Heuch!" shouted Lapinette and Pirate Jenny and they flung their arms in the air and danced. "Sae glad yer a' here," shouted the Stone and he pirouetted around. Now the MacDrabs were angry. "We've come to get ye," they screamed. "You've a' got yer ain stanes," said Stone." "You're the one," shouted the leader. "Get him!" But they couldn't move. Stone floated gently to the floor and the bagpipes stopped dead. "Try and let go of your stones, MacDrabs." Stone's laugh menaced the silence. The MacDrabs shook their paws frantically, but they were stuck fast. No matter how hard they tried to break away, they could only tighten their grip. And the stones were getting hot. "Kin ye hear that wee noise, Sonny?" smiled Stone to the Wabbit. The Wabbit listened and ostentatiously fiddled with his chanter. Then he shook his head and turned. "Is that ticking noise coming from your tuning pins, Skratch?" Skratch wagged a paw of dismissal. "Evacuate!" yelled the Wabbit.
(1) Sae glad yer a' here: I'm so pleased to see you all here. (2) You've a' got yer ain stanes: You have stones of your own.

11. Lapinette and the Negative Surprise

Lapinette rapped her paw on the table and called for attention. "What about our investment?" shouted a Drab. "What about it?" said Lapinette calmly and waving him aside, continued. "I'd ask you to approve the minutes of the last meeting, but none of you were here." "Formally proposed and signed as a correct record," said Jenny. Lapinette inclined her head. "Next business. I'm pleased to inform you that our scheme is in the top 99 per cent of companies." A murmuring of approval echoed round the hall. "However ..."  said Lapinette. A pregnant pause caused Drabs to move uneasily. Lapinette smiled the sweetest of smiles. "Our business was affected by circumstances beyond our control." "What things?" said a Drab. "Global warming," said Jenny. Lapinette went on. "This experience has better prepared us for the future." "It's a fantastic learning curve," said Jenny. "We're leaner but fitter," smiled Lapinette. A leading Drab stepped forward. "That's all very well, but we're interested in a serious acquisition." "Do continue," said Lapinette. "We bought all the Stones," sighed the Drab, "but we wanted a niche Stone." "Do you mean the original Stone from which all your Stones were struck?" asked Lapinette. The Drabs nodded and Lapinette grinned. "Then I have a big surprise for you." "By special arrangement with Wabbit Biscuit International!" yelled Jenny. Lapinette glanced behind the screen. "I bring you the one and only, True and Original Stane ...!"

10. The Wabbit & Lapinette's Meeting

"Welcome," said Lapinette from the top of the stairs. "Welcome to an Extraordinary Meeting of the Stone Investment Scheme." "Entrance by Stone only," said Jenny. "Please display a Stone at all times." The Drab at the front gazed at Jenny and tried to snarl a bit, but it came out as a snuffle. "We heard there were more profits." "There certainly are," said Lapinette breezily. "Much, much more than in any previous year." The news filtered down the queue where the Wabbit and Skratch were watching arrivals through a stairs window. "There were no previous years," laughed Skratch. "She's good, isn't she?" smirked the Wabbit. Captain Jenny nodded to all the investors. "Please make your way to the Grand Hall, where refreshments are offered." The queue murmured so Lapinette waved for attention. "These are supplied at no cost by Wabbit Biscuit International." "The company is testing a new line of aperitivo flavoured shortbread." added Jenny. "Please note your comments on the feedback forms provided." "But some Drabs are without Stones," moaned a Drab. "Their funds are drying up." "We forecast this eventuality," nodded Lapinette. Jenny rocked back and forth. "Invest some of your earnings with fellow Drabs who are short." "It's for the Common Good," smiled Lapinette. "And we do have a limited number of extra Stones available," said Jenny. The Wabbit laughed quietly. "Only a Stone's throw away," he whispered.

9.The Wabbit in a Station with No Exit

Quantum the Time Travelling Train brought everyone to Porta Susa, but he was grumbling. "I can never find my way around this station." "The Wabbit sensed irony. "Don't worry," he said, "neither can anyone else." Skratch the Cat hopped onto Quantum's footplate and carried out basic maintenance, while the team planned the next move. "How many Stone investments have been made so far?" asked the Wabbit. "About sixty four," answered Skratch, "we can't keep up with demand." "Skim anything off the top?" asked the Wabbit. "Just expenses." "Then lodge it in the Dinosaur Fund," said Wabsworth, "we may need more copies of the Stone." "But what happens next?" asked Lapinette. "We call a special investors' meeting," said Jenny the Pirate. "We imply extra profits." "Admission is granted to putative investors," continued Skratch, "so all the MacDrabs have to attend." Lapinette looked around and pointed into the distance "I can see MacDrabs over there." "They're lost," said the Wabbit. Jenny laughed. "We'll help them find a way out." "Sonny," said Stone. "Once we get them together in the meeting, what happens?" "Apologies for absence," said the Wabbit. "Then minutes of the last meeting, then ... a Negative Earnings Surprise." His eyes twinkled and he laughed. "Then and only then do we reach Any Other Business." Lapinette raised an eye. "Is there any?" "Yes," smiled the Wabbit. "Kaboom!"

8. The Wabbit & the Space Aftermath

Quantum hung in space while the Wabbit and Wabsworth monitored the routing of the MacDrab forces. It was a swift affair without mercy and Wabsworth shuddered. "That felt unpleasant," he said. "War is Hell," said the Wabbit. "But I thought you were an android." "I'm trying to be more of an individual," said Wabsworth. "Is there anything more difficult?" "Being a character," shrugged the Wabbit. He gestured towards Marshall Duetta Spyder as she loomed up to the windscreen bearing the Stone. The radio crackled. "What next Commander?" Duetta had the silkiest of voices, but the Wabbit knew it wouldn't do to be fooled by sounds and appearances. "What about the MacDrabs?" he asked sharply. "All we could find are gone," said Duetta, "but under interrogation, a captive mentioned a Drab team operating Earthside." The Wabbit thought about his own team and the counterfeit Stones trick. "We'd better get back. Jump in Stone!" Stone did not comply. "I thought I'd return with Duetta Spyder," he said. "You'll be safer here," said the Wabbit. The Stone weaved up and down in his own particular manner. "Since I came under your protection, sonny, I've been attacked by every enemy with availability." "Join up with the Wabbit," smiled the Wabbit, "meet interesting creatures." "And give 'em grief!" said Wabsworth.

7. Lapinette's Pyramid Sales Venture

"There are our marks!" whispered Skratch.  Lapinette smiled sweetly, picked up a Stone and hopped forward. "We are the Drabs of Clan MacDrab," said the creatures. "I'm Ponzi" giggled Lapinette. The Drabs considered, "We are interested in buying your Stones." Skratch, Jenny and Lapinette all shook their heads.  "Fortunately for you, you can't buy a Stone," said Jenny. "You can only buy into the Stone Investment Club." The Drabs were far from happy and grumbled noisily, so Skratch interrupted. "When more investors invest, you will receive a Stone as a gift." "And a lot of money," gurgled Lapinette, "you can't lose, look at me, my pockets are overflowing with cash." "We don't want money, we want the Stone ... I mean Stones," said the leading Drab. Jenny rocked back and forth in her most pirate fashion and guffawed. "With money you can get as many Stones as you desire!" "How much would it take to buy you out?" said the Drabs. "What, the whole lot?" asked Skratch. "That would ruin our business and spoil our fun." With a hop skip and a jump Lapinette darted to the rear of the Drabs and collected investments. Money came in quickly and she returned to her friends. Solemnly she handed €8000 to the Drab leader and lifted the first Stone. "This is your Stone, which may not be resold." "I want more Stones," said the Drab. "Then find more investors," said Jenny." "How many?" asked the Drab. "Everybody," said Lapinette. "Everybody must get Stones."

6. The Wabbit, Stone and Dark Space

The instant Stone stepped outside Quantum the Train, there was a bright flash and he split into a multitude of identical Stones. Lining up behind him, the Stones ground against each other and chanted as they faced the Drabs. The Wabbit could hear it. He glanced at Wabsworth and said, "Sound doesn't travel in Space." "You could have fooled me," said Wabsworth, "it makes my fur stand on end." "Shh. They're going to talk," said the Wabbit and he peered out. "MacDrabs!" shouted Stone. "Away hame to yer mithers!" The MacDrabs made a sound like bagpipes deflating in a hall. "You're coming with us, we've a wee surprise for you." "The winds gone out of ye," shouted Stone. "Ye couldnae surprise a target in a fairground." Now the Drabs' sound became a piercing whine as they advanced towards the Stones. "Nae further!" shouted Stone. "And look behind you, by the way." "Did you think we'd fall for that old trick?" sneered the MacDrab leader. As the Wabbit watched from Quantum's windscreen the radio burst into life and crackled with signals - but they weren't for the Wabbit. "Stone to Marshall Duetta Spyder, copy?" A sea of red spiders appeared from each corner of space. The radio hissed and Duetta's silky voice answered. "Orders?" "Cut them off from their ship," said Stone. "Scatter them and pursue them until they drop." "And then?" said Duetta. "Finish them," said Stone ...
[Away hame to yer mithers (Scottish, derisive): Run directly home to your mothers' protection.]

5. The Wabbit and the Clan MacDrab

"Who are they?" asked the Wabbit. Creatures loomed at the windows of Quantum's restaurant car and peered in with sharp eyes. "These are the Drabs of Clan MacDrab," said Stone. "I've never heard of them," said Wabsworth. "There are more creatures in heaven and earth, undreamt of by androids," said Stone. They watched as Drabs pressed their granite grey faces against the windows. "I don't like the look of them, Stone," said the Wabbit. The Stone began to vibrate slightly. "They're so dreary and hostile they were banished," he hissed. "It didn't work," said the Wabbit, glancing out. "Well I'm gonnie deal wae them now," said Stone. The Wabbit shook his head vigorously. "No can do!" But Stone glowed a pale blue colour that gradually darkened. "I outrank you, sonny." The Wabbit shook his head again. "I just can't allow it." Now Stone was getting bigger. "I'm going outside," he said. "Ah know whit I'm doing." Now the Wabbit pricked up his ears because he could hear a scraping along the carriage that set his teeth on edge. "OK, what's your plan?" he sighed. "It's them or us," said Stone, "so I'm going to send them to a greyer place." "You'll need a helping paw," said Wabsworth. "Don't worry," snarled Stone. "I'll grind them finer than space dust."

4. Jenny, Skratch & the Pyramid Trick

In Turin, the fake Stones were taken to the market in a borrowed truck. "We have to put up a show, Skratch," said Jenny. Skratch had been a Cat Burglar and knew a few tricks. "I think I can manage!" he laughed. But Jenny was a pirate and tricks were her stock and trade. "I propose we don't sell the Stones at all." Skratch looked puzzled. She put down her stone and rocked back and forth like a pirate. "Clients have to buy into our scheme." Her eyes twinkled. "They don't buy the Stone?" asked Skratch. "No," said Jenny, "Someone pays us €1000 to be a Member of the Stone Club." "What next?" said Skratch - although he knew what was coming. Jenny swayed. "When they bring us 8 more paying members, they receive a Stone as a gift and €8000." "Ah," said Skratch, "Each of these new members recruit another 8 members," said Jenny, "at which point they receive a gift and money." "Most profitable," said Skratch, "but this system is doomed to collapse." "I know," smiled Jenny. "It will last long enough to spot the enemy." "How will we recognise them?" asked Skratch. "They'll know the trick," said Jenny, "and they'll try to trick us." "No-one can trick us," said Skratch smugly. "Then we pounce," said Jenny. Skratch threw back his head and laughed. "We need our shill," said Jenny. Skratch saw Lapinette come round the corner and nudged Jenny. "Here she is now." "Ahaaahrr there, young rabbit," said Jenny. "Wanna be a member?"

[shill: an accomplice of a confidence trickster who poses as a genuine customer to entice others]

3. The Wabbit and Singing the Stone

Leaving Skratch and Rabbit Jenny to trade decoy stones, the Wabbit and Wabsworth flew out with the real Stone on board Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "Ooooh, this is braw" said Stone as he stared out into space. "Shall we sing?" said Quantum, "we always sing." The Wabbit nudged Wabsworth because he knew Quantum was referring to the two occasions it had actually happened. "You start, Wabwsorth," he smiled. Wabsworth put a paw over one ear and adopted a nasally folk voice. "Oh, I tell you a story of a powerful State/ but over the years it just wisnae so great/ It got down on its knees and it started to pray/ For the Stane that it needed was stolen away." "Too-ra-loo," sang the Wabbit. "Too-ra-lay," sang Quantum. "Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay" sang the Stone. Everyone laughed with delight. "Hang on," said the Wabbit as the radio hummed. "There's something on sub-space." "I'll try to get a better fix," said Wabsworth. The cabin echoed to strange syllables but they listened intently. "This is KOI-3284.01," said a voice. "Speak," said the Wabbit. "Our homeworld is the Planet of the Stones. You are singing our anthem." "Oh yes," growled the Wabbit suspiciously. "Then sing me some more." An instrument played notes they had never heard before and then a deep voice sang. "There's none here with courage to challenge your claim/ that you have the true and original Stane." "Red alert," said the Wabbit.
[braw: adj. Scots, fine, excellent.]

2. The Wabbit and the Bootleg Stones

In a long abandoned and completely forgotten warehouse, Big Blue Snail and Wabsworth had been churning out more stones than a bootleg music factory. When the Wabbit and Rabbit Jenny arrived, they encountered an army of stones marching around like clockwork toys. "Ah, Commander," said Big Blue Snail. "Look at our creations. They're all beautiful and they move." "Do they talk?" asked Jenny. Snail paused. "We haven't been introduced." He glanced disapprovingly at the Wabbit and turned back. "I am Big Blue Snail. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Jenny nodded and rocked in a pirate fashion. "My compliments. I am Captain Rabbit Jenny." "Well do they talk?" asked the Wabbit impatiently. "Try them," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit hopped forward and spoke to the stone at the front. "Are you the true and original stone?" "Aye!" said the stone. "Naw, it's me!" said the second stone. Another jumped up and down. "I'm the only authentic and genuine stone here, by the way." The Wabbit looked at Jenny and then at Wabsworth and then at Snail. "Perfect," he said. Wabsworth chuckled. "I manufactured a sardonic sub routine especially for these fellows." Snail looked troubled for an instant. "How about their accents?" "They'll fool our enemies," smiled the Wabbit. Wabsworth was relieved. "I had trouble with the vowels." "So does everyone," laughed the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit considers Stone Safety

The Wabbit decided there was safety in numbers but he still wasn't happy about enemies appearing at every turn. "Do you have a plan to keep the Stone safe, Wabbit?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit shrugged. "To tell you the truth I don't." "I'm perfectly aw right," said the Stone. "I'm enjoying myself." The Wabbit was not impressed. "Everyone's looking for you!" he snapped. Skratch the Cat was feeling rather out of things and his voice came booming from the rear. "There must be a price on Stone's head." "Ah hope it's huge," said the Stone. The Wabbit paused for a long time and Lapinette watched him carefully. "I have an idea," he said." "I have a better one," said Rabbit Jenny the Pirate. "You first," said the Wabbit. Jenny smiled. "We can manufacture several stones identical to our Stone - then offer them for sale on the open market." "That will flush out the rest of our enemies." said Skratch with relish. "But what about the safety of our Stone?" asked Lapinette. "Now for my idea," said the Wabbit. "We'll take Stone off-planet until Jenny's plan is executed." "Oh!" exclaimed Stone. "I've never been off-planet, is it guid?" Skratch nodded gravely. "There's an awful lot of it," he purred. "Ach," laughed Stone, "Ah feel like a change of scenery."

5. The Wabbit in Chemical Avenue

On the upper levels, Jenny, Skratch and the Stone watched as the Wabbit and Lapinette started to run. They were closely followed by Wabsworth and Robot, but Wabsworth threw the canister over his shoulder as he had seen the Wabbit do many times before. The canister bounced along the concrete ramp. Then it rolled towards the Voodoo Wasps and stopped. For a moment nothing happened and there was a cry of derision from the Wasps. But the can started to hiss and suddenly billowing clouds of smoke enveloped them. They started to cough and drop, then lay in heaps of thrashing legs and wings. The Wabbit could hear them croaking and he shed a slight tear - not from sympathy, but ingestion of some of the fumes. "Where did you get the gas?" coughed the Wabbit. "I found it in the coat you gave me," said Wabsworth, "for a while I thought it was breath freshener." Lapinette spluttered. "Let's get to a higher floor." Turbina the Jet Car headed down the ramp to pick them up and they quickly crammed in. Lapinette seized the wheel because the Wabbit was queasy and had turned a delicate green. "How many enemies are there in this town?" asked the Wabbit. "How many have you got?" replied Lapinette. "They just keep coming," said the Wabbit. "I really can't help it." "Napoleon was right." stated Lapinette. The Wabbit raised a tearful eye and pre-empted her. "Never interrupt your enemies when they're making mistakes."

4.The Wabbit and the Zombie Hostages

The Wabbit's ears pricked up as Turbina the Jet Car let off a warning honk. He dragged out his automatic and gestured at everyone to stay where they were. Then he hopped cautiously down the ramp, followed closely by Lapinette. His nose wrinkled at the sight of Robot and Wabsworth, his android double, being escorted up the ramp by Voodoo Wasps. The Wabbit waved his gun. "Unhand my friends,"  he yelled, "or it will be the worse for you." The drone of the Wasps was deafening. "Your friends are zombies now," buzzed the lead Wasp. "So give us the Stone or we'll make zombies of you all." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes because he knew Wabsworth and Robot were electronic and couldn't become zombies. He caught Lapinette's eye, glanced at Wabsworth then Robot. "I-am-a-Zombie," uttered Robot suddenly and with conviction. The Wabbit recognised the right moment and he made an imperceptible movement known only to Lapinette. "What is your purpose, Robot?" screamed Lapinette suddenly. "We-must-serve. Serve-to-live-after-we-die," said Robot in a staccato tone. Wabsworth scratched his nose several times and tapped something he was holding to his fur. "The-Stone-must-serve-them! Serve-those-who-must-be-served," he wailed. The Wabbit moved closer to Lapinette. "When Wabsworth throws the canister, run!" "Where to?" murmured Lapinette. "Far," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Ramp Summit

The team gathered at the big ramp where they could be certain to defend against the Wasps. The Stone was surprisingly agile and he scooted up like a young mountain goat. "Oh," he yelled. "I spy big creepy-crawly things." "Marshall Duetta Spyder" said the Wabbit in surprise. "I thought you were on leave." "You sounded desperate," said Duetta, "so I rounded up some troops and scurried over." The sound of buzzing echoed around the concrete and they paused. "The Wasps are back," said the Wabbit feeling slightly foolish. Duetta rattled her legs and all her troops did the same. "Commander Wabbit," she said in the silkiest of silky voices. "These are not the Wasps we sent to the Sombrero Galaxy." An air of puzzlement hung like a jigsaw. "Then who are they?" asked Lapinette. Duetta snorted. "They are Glyptapanteles, often known as the Voodoo Wasps." "I know them from the Caribbean," said Jenny. "But they're too big." "Who are you?" asked Duetta. "You may call me Captain," snapped Jenny. "And there's me! Don't forget me!" shouted the Stone. "I know you," said Duetta. "I got a circular." "We have to protect the Stone at all costs," said the Wabbit. The Stone leapt up and down on the parapet and shouted. "We had unco trouble already!" The legs of all the spiders rattled for what seemed like an age. "I'm bigger than trouble," said Duetta.

[Unco adj. (Scottish): Strange, Uncanny, Weird]

2. The Wabbit & the Return of the Wasps

For security reasons, the Wabbit and the Stone changed vehicles. Turbina the Jet Car was available and at the request of the Stone, they drove to hills that overlooked the river. The Stone climbed onto Turbina's roof and looked down. "I hear buzzing," murmured the Wabbit. "It sounds like the drone a' waahsps," said the Stone. Turbina's voice broke in and they both listened carefully - because Turbina was of such a high rank in the Department of Wabbit Affairs, no-one knew exactly what it was. "I understood Commander, that you exiled the Wasps to the Sombrero Galaxy." The Wasps loomed larger and larger and larger until they filled the horizon. "They're much bigger now," gasped the Wabbit. "Diet?" suggested the Stone. "I'll call it in," said the Wabbit, plucking his walkie-talkie from his fur. "Marshall Duetta Spyder, come in please," "I'm on holiday," said a silky voice. The Wabbit sighed and changed frequencies. "Lapinette, we have a situation." "Is it a Wasp situation?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit put his other paw in his fur and drew out his automatic. "It's a Giant Wasp situation," he said, snicking the safety off. "We need reinforcements." The radio crackled. "I thought you exiled the Wasps." "To the Sombrero Galaxy," added Turbina tersely. "Where's the Sombrero Galaxy anyway?" asked the Stone, "is it far?" The Wabbit grimaced. "28 million light years." "Now there's a road less travelled!" said the Stone. The Wabbit growled. "Sometimes it's for good reason."

1. Lapinette, Jenny and the Wasps

Jenny was homesick for the sea so Lapinette thought she'd take her for target practice. In a quiet spot where hardly a soul ever went, they took pot shots at various things and talked. Lapinette's Makarov blasted and a can jumped in the air. "Where's the Stone?" asked Jenny. Her automatic chattered and a rusty sign disintegrated. "Oh, he's sure to be somewhere safe with the Wabbit," said Lapinette hopefully. "I thought I heard weapon fire," said Jenny. "Just an echo," said Lapinette. But she looked around all the same. "Did I hear a plane?" asked Jenny. She let off two shots and narrowed her eyes. "We're not far from the airport," muttered Lapinette. "It was a military transport plane," said Jenny. Lapinette fired three rounds and the ricochets voomped around buildings. Time passed and a pile of spent cartridges littered the ground. "What's that buzzing?" murmured Lapinette. Jenny scanned all about. "Sounds like insects." "It's rather noisy," said Lapinette. She put down her pistol and scrutinised the area. "Bees? Wasps? Hornets?" suggested Jenny, but Lapinette was staring intently at dancing yellow reflections in the water. Suddenly she nodded to herself. She picked up her Makarov, ejected the cartridge and inserted another. Then she made certain she had spares handy. "Trouble?" enquired Jenny. Lapinette looked up to the sky. Jenny followed her gaze and gasped, "Lud rot my vitals, they're huge!"

4. The Wabbit and an Air Delivery

The Wabbit drove swiftly to a place he knew well, with the Agents of Rabit in hot pursuit. The Stone kept looking back. "They seem a wee bit annoyed," he said. "Unfinished business," said the Wabbit. He made a series of sharp turns, doubled back and for a moment it looked as if he'd lost them. Then he span the steering wheel and hauled on the brake. The jeep screeched sideways into an alleyway and stopped just short of the lead group. "What now?" asked the Stone. "We get out," said the Wabbit. The Agents stopped as they always did and shouted death threats. But before they advanced they couldn't help spitting and and howling insults so the Wabbit nudged the Stone to prepare him. "Your fur is a disgrace, Wabbit." shouted the biggest Agent. "Who cut it?" shouted another, "the fishmonger?" "They need a seein' to," muttered the Stone. "They're going to get one," advised the Wabbit and he twitched both ears. "I can hear a plane," said the Stone. Suddenly the air was thick with parachutists as all 400 of the Wabbit's private guard came tumbling from the sky. The Stone smiled - insofar as he could smile. "Hell's teeth son, whit are these?" Snazer fire and painful cries echoed across the walkways. "They are the 400 Rabbits." grinned the Wabbit. "I think this dance is oors," said the Stone.

3. The Wabbit and the High Chase

The Wabbit took the shortest route but it wasn't the easiest. It involved climbing near vertically up the Roman walls and flying off the other side. This the Wabbit accomplished at the cost of the passenger door he had previously kicked. The Agents of Rabit swarmed up the walls in pursuit, but they hadn't reckoned on the Wabbit's manoeuvre. It was what he called the Jeep Jump, which he only used in emergencies because it gave him dyspepsia. "How's your tummy, Stone?" asked the Wabbit as Agents fell from the wall with varying degrees of suprise. "I don't have a tummy exactly," said the Stone. His ears had turned a delicate mauve-blue and now he could feel the effects of  his long journey. "Where did ye learn to drive anyway, laddie?" "Tank Destroyers," murmured the Wabbit. "Aye," nodded the Stone. His ring-like eyes flickered to the rear. "Who in the name of all that's holy are these scunners?" The Wabbit scowled and peered through the cloudy windscreen. "They're Agents of Rabit, our oldest sworn enemy. They want to destroy us." "Ach, enemies," said the Stone. "They haud around much longer than friends, but what do they want wae me?" "Well, it's usually not about the money," sighed the Wabbit. "What it's aboot then?" asked the Stone. "World domination and enslavement," said the Wabbit. "Step on it son," growled the Stone. "We'll hae none a' that!"
[Scunner: Glasgow dialect. An annoying person]

2. The Wabbit and the Dancing Trolls

There seemed to be some event going on in the Piazza, so the Wabbit drew up and both he and the Stone hopped out. "I hear bonnie music," said the Stone. "Let's have a look," said the Wabbit. In the distance the Wabbit thought he could see Folk Dancers, but as they drew close his expression changed - now he made out the awful features of his enemies, the Agents of Rabit. The Stone jumped in the air and did a wee jig. "Heuch!" he yelled and he bounced up and down oblivious to the Wabbit's dismay. "Stone," shouted the Wabbit over the music. "Stone, we'd better be getting along." "Ach," said the Stone. I like this." He birled left and right and his boots made a clackety sound on the paving stones. It was the clackety sound that did. An Agent in the centre of the dance turned very, very slowly to the left and stared the Wabbit right in the eyes. "Stone," called the Wabbit. "Just turn in a casual fashion and make your way back to the jeep." The Stone couldn't help it. He had to look round. "My Goad," he cried. "Whit are these creatures of repellent aspect?" The Wabbit smiled a lopsided grin and hopped towards the jeep. "Let me buy you lunch," he said. "Oh aye," said the Stone and still dancing he made his way to join the Wabbit. But as the Wabbit started the engine, the Agents of Rabit danced in formation round the jeep and leered through the windows. "Good music all the same," said the Stone. The Wabbit grimaced. "The Devil gets his pick."

1. The Wabbit and the Sightseeing Stone

The Wabbit had agreed to show the Stone around, but the Stone had ideas of his own. "What about this nice bus?" he asked. "Reasonable price, hop-on hop-off whaur ye like." "You can hop in my jeep," said the Wabbit, "and it won't cost you a thing," "Whit aboot lunch?" said the Stone slyly. "We can stop for lunch," said the Wabbit. The Stone nodded and looked up at the bus. "Whit aboot high photographs?" "We can go to a high place," said the Wabbit. The Stone pointed. "It says there's a commentary on the bus." "I can do a commentary," said the Wabbit. "Prove it," said the Stone. The Wabbit cleared his throat. "At the start of the first century BC, this spot was occupied by a gate in the Roman walls." "Boring," said the Stone. "Liven it up." "The mighty Decumanus Maximus Taurinorum started here," yelled the Wabbit. Tourists looked round and the Wabbit warmed up. "This is the old Capital and we still regard it as such," he proclaimed. Some bus passengers got off to listen. "Keep going, don't stop," said the Stone. "We call Turin ... the Cradle of Liberty!" shouted the Wabbit. Cheering broke out and they heard clapping from the top of the bus. "Will I take the money now?" suggested the Stone. The Wabbit gunned the throttle, span his wheels and kicked the passenger door open. "Get in," he said, "before we're arrested."

The Real Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at the Jazz Club for a secret confab but Skratch the Cat was late as usual. He liked to make an entrance. The Wabbit had the Stone in his charge and had been briefing him, so it was no surprise when the Stone shouted "I'll' ask the question!" They all pretended not to notice Skratch hove into sight. Suddenly the Stone yelled. "What kind of adventure was that?" Skratch stopped in his tracks and for once he was quiet. "The adventure was recuperated spectacle," murmured Jenny. Everyone looked round and Jenny smiled. "We undercut its hegemony through our directly lived experience." Skratch looked absolutely dumbfounded. "But did we fully foreground the signifier?" asked the Wabbit. "I think," said Lapinette, "that an overweening concern for structure is a sign of a misspent youth." Skratch croaked slightly and opened his mouth. Without warning, Wabsworth the Wabbit's android double, chipped in. "Complex phenomena cannot be reduced like so much soup!" "I'd like so much soup," said the Stone. Skratch was relieved to change the subject. "Of course," he said. "How discourteous of me. What soup will you have?" "Quantum soup," laughed the Stone. Skratch's eyes grew wide as his head. "We're pulling your leg, laddie," said the Stone. Skratch grinned weakly. "I think need a drink." 

The Wabbit and the Safety of the Stone

They met in the safety of the Dark Basement of the Goddesses to deliver the Stone. "Ahem," said the Wabbit because he didn't know what to say. He always felt in awe of Unut the Rabbit Goddess, but Jenny felt no awe whatsoever. "Pleased to meet you, Goddess," she nodded. Unut smiled. "No formality required. Around here, they call me Oonty." The Wabbit was delighted to see Unut in a such a good mood. "We brought the Stone," he said. There was a sudden skittering of the Stone's boots. "I'm here, you know. Am no invisible." Unut looked down affectionately. "Well done Stone. You're safe here." "Why did you need us?" asked the Wabbit boldly. Unut took the Wabbit's paw. "Only you and Jenny together could get to the Stone." "So what next?" asked Jenny. "Hold the Stone close," said Unut. "There are evil forces who want to destroy him." The Wabbit sighed with relief and he grinned broadly because now he felt in familiar territory. "Is that all?" he said, grasping Jenny's paw in solidarity. "Not quite," said Unut. The Wabbit's eyes narrowed and Unut's voice changed. "This enemy is trickier than most and they would use magic against us." "What kind of magic?" asked Jenny. "Voodoo," replied Unut. The Wabbit bared all of his 28 teeth. "Hop through the fire, fly through the smoke." Jenny gripped the Wabbit's paw tightly. "See our enemy at the end of dey rope."

The Wabbit and the Return Splash

The team heard an enormous roaring and they rushed to the observation window. They were above water and airborne, but the Wabbit recognised the buildings. "We're home!" he yelled, "We're home!" Thoth's voice boomed over the tannoy. "We have arrived in Turin. Please prepare to disembark."  "Where on earth can we disembark?" asked Skratch the Cat. The Wabbit frowned. He didn't relish Thoth returning to a his rightful shape as a baboon with everyone inside. But Wabsworth was as calm as an android can be. "The Egypt Museum probably, we have to hide the stone." Now Lapinette knew this would concern the Wabbit even more and murmured in his ear. "I'm sure the Stone will be fine there for a while." "What if he wants to go around?" mused the Wabbit. "What if he goes off on a folly?" "Let him," said Lapinette, "what's the worst that could happen?" In his mind, the Wabbit caught a brief glimpse of the city struck by flame, flood, pestilence and rogue meteorites. Skratch noticed the Wabbit's distracted look and spoke calmly. "I wonder," he said. "Not a soul will expect the Stone to do his own thing." "So by not hiding," added Jenny, "he will automatically be hidden where no-one will ever look." "OK," said the Wabbit and he looked purposefully around the team for an escort. "Puma?" suggested Lapinette. "Robot?" said Wabsworth. "Duetta?" said Skratch. "I suppose it falls to me," sighed the Wabbit.

17. The Wabbit at the Whale Caffè

"What's this for a sort of officers' mess?" asked Skratch. "I'm the God, Thoth," boomed Thoth out of nowhere. "I am thrice great and I can have thrice what I like." "Very sophisticated," said the Wabbit soothingly as he sipped his wine and for a moment there was silence. "Just don't leave any sticky wine rings on the generators," added Thoth. "It gets into the sprockets." The Wabbit shook his head and raised his glass. "I propose a toast," he said. "Here's to the team who brought back the Stone." "Am no back yet," said the Stone, "and where's my wine?" "Stones don't drink wine," said Lapinette. "Oh aye they do," said the Stone. "You just have to spill it on top of me." Lapinette looked at the Stone with astonishment. "I absorb it," he explained. A great wail echoed round the engines. "There will be no spilling of wine near my machinery," roared Thoth. "Thoth," said the Wabbit, "I didn't think you whale gods needed engines." "I'm experimenting," answered Thoth. "It's a whole new clean energy approach in deity transport." "These are electricity generators," said the Wabbit. "Exactly," replied Thoth. "What fuel do they run on?" asked the Wabbit. "Anti-plankton," said Thoth, "thrice recycled." The Wabbit glanced at Jenny the Pirate and she shrugged. "We're walking the anti-plankton," she smiled. 

16.The Wabbit - the Belly of the Whale

The team hopped into Thoth's mouth and slid down his whale's throat as if it was a chute. They weren't expecting a restaurant but they were delighted. The Stone took his place of honour as music started. A stately drum roll echoed in the vast hall, then a long wail of pipes swung rapidly into a reel. The Wabbit grinned mightily. He placed his feet together in a pointy fashion, sprang into the air and shouted "heuch" like a warlock. Lapinette only knew of this from books but she too flung herself upwards with joy. Jenny the Pirate was already airborne, dragging Skratch into a mad dance and singing. "Oh I've sailed in storms and I sailed through gales, but I ne'er did travel in the belly of a whale!" How they duner’d, and hooh’d, and thumped, and raved. They threw each other around until they were quite hysterical. "Oh," laughed the Wabbit, slumping. "That was awful guid." "I found my cap," said a delighted Skratch. The Wabbit turned to him but something else took his attention. "Wabsworth!" How did you get here?" Wabsworth looked up and waved. "I used another way in," he said, "it was rather interesting." Lapinette smirked as a deep voice boomed suddenly from the bowels of the whale. "Food is served in the Officers' Mess." "What's on the menu?" cried the Stone. "Seafood nibbles," boomed Thoth, "thrice fried." "Paw food!" yelled Skratch.

15. The Wabbit and Unusual Transport

The Wabbit looked into the distance and worried. "Where's Wabsworth?" "He's coming," said Lapinette, "he had some kingship ritual to perform." A strange cry split the air that was somewhere between a screech and a roar. "Please be quick," said Thoth the Whale. "I am thrice impatient." "What about our ships?" asked Jenny the Pirate. "I'm not going anywhere without my ship." "The Unut is in dry dock in Genoa," sighed Thoth, "and the Lepus is being retro-fitted in Troon." "Then how do we get home?" asked Skratch, "and where's my cap?" "You're coming with me," said Thoth, "do you have the Stone?" The Wabbit was furious and hopped up and down. "You knew what we had to find! You knew all along!" "I am thrice duplicitous," said Thoth. "Oh it's no use arguing," grunted the Wabbit. "We all have to get in." "What's it like in there?" asked Skratch. "Thoroughly unpleasant," snorted Jenny who had a clue about whales. Lapinette looked doubtful. There was another noise. "I have pleasant quarters and a full supply of aperitivi on board." "Rum?" asked Jenny. "Seven Fathoms," replied Thoth. "Music?" asked the Wabbit. "Jazz," said Thoth. "Any Highland tunes?" asked the Stone. "Drums, fifes, bagpipes and tabors," said Thoth. "I'm on ma holidays!" shouted the Stone.

14. The Wabbit & the King of Helpers

Suddenly the team was outside on a parapet, gazing at a figure towering over the landscape. The Wabbit's android double had been specifically left to go native with the locals - and it looked like he'd taken the job seriously. "Hurrah for the Liberator!" shouted the Creatures. "Hurrah for the electric rabbit!" Lapinette sounded disgruntled. "I thought Wabsworth was supposed to keep everything quiet." "Maybe he knows what he's doing," murmured the Wabbit and he fished his walkie talkie from his fur. "Wabsworth, what the binky are you doing?" The radio crackled. "Sorry Commander, they wouldn't have it any other way." "Your Excellency," sighed the Wabbit, "we found what we were looking for. Now we have to get out of here." "Get out with me, the Stone," yelled the Stone with glee. It was too loud. "They have the Stone!" yelled the creatures and they started to hum and sway rhythmically. "Sort it out Wabsworth," snapped the Wabbit and he switched his radio off. Wabsworth voice boomed out and it echoed from the two towers. "We must hide the Stone!" Still swaying, the creatures turned. "Hide the stone, hide the Stone!" they roared. "Our friends came to help us," shouted Wabsworth. "They will hide the stone for us!" The combined shouts of the creatures were deafening. "Help us,  dear Friends. Help us hide our Stone!" "He's good, this Wabsworth fellow," murmured Jenny. "He's his own best helper," smiled Skratch.

13. The Wabbit and the Animated Map

No-one knew exactly what happened but the pillars began to fade and they were back on the walkway over the chasm. Everyone pulled out weapons and looked around, but there was only a flickering of images. "What are these lettering things?" asked Lapinette. "They're the Types of Destiny," said the Stone. "Do you mean you get a choice?" asked Jenny. "Cats get many," answered Skratch. The Wabbit barely heard this interchange because he was calculating. "I'm going to call this the Pit of Relativism," he rasped and he clutched his Snazer close to his fur. "I can see a light there," said Lapinette, lowering her automatic. The Wabbit's head swivelled. "Not all light is good light," he murmured. The five steadily moved along the platform, stopping occasionally and looking about. "It's all artifice," said Pirate Jenny, "we're in the map." "The animated map," laughed Skratch the Cat. "So how do we get out of the map?" said Lapinette. "We hop to the edge," said the Wabbit. "The edge of darkness?" asked Skratch. "One thing I know about edges," said the Wabbit," is that something stops and another thing starts." Jenny racked the slide of her automatic. "I feel like starting something," she said. Lapinette gripped her Makarov and hopped from right to left and bared her teeth. "So do I," she breathed.

12. The Wabbit and the Original Stone

The ring dropped and air hissed. "Take cover!" shouted the Wabbit but it was too late. Rabbit Jenny neatly sidestepped and Skratch deftly flinched as the lid shot past his head. "I am the original Stone," said a Stone creature, "what took ye a' so long?" Jenny's look was a question for the Wabbit - and the Wabbit knew the answer. "We've been looking for you," he said solemnly. "We came a long way and used a lot of expensive stuff." The Stone hopped up and down with agitation. "I was in hiding!" Lapinette moved closer to inspect the stone. "Why the strange garb?" she asked. "I'm disguised," said the Stone. "They're after me." "We're here to take you to a place of safety," said Skratch suddenly. The Wabbit hadn't been expecting that, so he inclined his head towards Skratch. "I know how this plot works," shrugged Skratch. "Where will ye take me?" interrupted the Stone. The Wabbit had to think, because he had no idea. "We'll take you back to Turin," he said after deliberating for quite some while. Now the Stone thought for a long time. "What's the food like?" This time Jenny stepped in. "There are delicious Hershey's bars, wrapped in smoked salmon." "Oh aye?" asked the Stone. "And covered in mayonnaise," continued Jenny. "Oooh," said the Stone. "Then deep fried in batter," added the Wabbit. "When do we leave?" said the Stone.