The Wabbit and the Wyatt Earp Snail

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had ordered three carrot aperitivi because Big Blue Snail was going to drop by for the customary after-adventure meeting. "Howdy folks!" said Snail. "You're new in town ain't ya?" "No we're not," said the Wabbit, "we're very old in town." Lapinette knew Snail wanted to play, so she frowned at the Wabbit and played along. "You've got big broad shoulders Marshall Snail, but it'll take more than shoulders to clean up the town," she said. Suddenly the Wabbit got it and started to drawl. "This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere, Marshall, it don't matter none whether it's clean." Snail snorted and his hat balanced precariously on his antennae. "How does a Snail get to be a Marshall anyhows?" said Lapinette. "A Snail's gotta stop sliding around," said Snail. "A Snail's gotta stay in one place and protect his roots." The Wabbit smiled at Snail and turned to Lapinette. "What time is it lady?" he asked. "About ten past three," she replied. "Then where's the three ten to Youghal?" said the Wabbit. "Runnin' late I suppose," said Lapinette. "Silly trains," said the Wabbit, "you can't rely on 'em." By this time Lapinette felt she had more than enough. "I'm not going to ask what kind of adventure it was," she said suddenly. "No," said the Wabbit. "Every time Snail joins an adventure, it's a Western." "Nothing's too good for the Snail that nailed the Skarrots," smiled Lapinette. "You can say that again," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbits round 'em Up

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette herded the greened Skarrots safely into an enclosure and breathed a sigh of relief. "No more GM monster Skarrots," said the Wabbit. "Carrots are now safely nutritious for all," said Snail, who liked a well-cultivated carrot or two. "How shall we proceed?" asked Lapinette. "No recent orders," said the Wabbit, "so there’s only one thing to do." "What’s that?" asked Snail. The Wabbit swung his whip twice. It snapped and cracked in the air and the Skarrots cringed back. "Move them, move them, move them," he sang. "Though we disapprove them," trilled Lapinette in reply. "Keep them Skarrots movin', Rawhide!" bellowed the Wabbit. "Don’t try to comprehend them, just dice and chop and bend 'em," sang Snail, "soon we will herd them out of sight,"  "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on. Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide!" sang the Wabbit. "Cut 'em up, ride 'em in. Ride 'em in, cut 'em up. Cut 'em down, ride 'em in: Rawhide!" sang Lapinette. "Rollin’ rollin’ rollin', strollin' strollin' strollin', " hummed Snail. Lapinette cracked her whip several times then dropped her voice to become more melodic. "All the things we’re missin'," she sang. "Aperitivi, love, and kissin'," sang the Wabbit. "Are waiting at the end of our ride," sang Snail. "Hah!" shouted Lapinette and she cracked her whip again. "Hah!" shouted the Wabbit and he cracked his whip too. "Hah!" shouted Snail, who having no whip to crack, flailed his antennae instead - and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit sees 'em Coming

The gang fell back and while Snail recharged, the Wabbit and Lapinette lay in wait for the Skarrots at the top of the shopping centre escalator. "Maybe they'll be dragged into the stairs," said the Wabbit. "Have you ever known that happen to anyone?" asked Lapinette. "Only once," said the Wabbit. "Who was that?" asked Lapinette. "Me," said the Wabbit and he fiddled with his Snazer gun. "Lucky escape?" asked Lapinette. "Nearly all escalator fatalities are repair technicians," said the Wabbit. "But I was dragged between the combs and it's not good for the fur." "What's it like in there?" asked Lapinette. "Mainly skeletons," smiled the Wabbit. "Look, here comes Snail!" said Lapinette. Snail was crawling under his load of blue slime laser supplies when he saw the Skarrots emerge from the escalator. "Let me at 'em, the little modified devils," cried Snail as he launched a full scale attack on the Skarrots. "He's not the usual Snail with a laser, is he?" said the Wabbit, leaning on his gun. Gradually, Skarrots turned green at the gills as Snail nailed them one by one. "An onion can make you cry, but carrots can't make you laugh," observed Lapinette wryly an she tucked her gun under her arm. "That's something a Wabbit can't run away from," said the Wabbit. "Are you going to do Cowboy quotes all day?" snorted Snail. "I never miss a good chance to shut up," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit at the Supermarket Corral

The Wabbit tossed a Snazer to Lapinette like John Wayne in Rio Bravo and she caught it, spun round and with only one paw fired on the nearest Skarrot. It made a green splodge on an unfortunate place and the Skarrot turned and snarled with bared teeth. "Hey Skarrot!" cried Lapinette," you forgot your pants." The Skarrot let out a terrifying howl and suddenly the supermarket was alive with a criss-cross of orange and blue rays. "What's with the new Snazer, Wabbit?" shouted Lapinette. "Snail made adjustments," the Wabbit shouted back and he hit a Skarrot square on his modified carrot top. Snail kept cover from the rear and Lapinette ducked under the crossfire as the Wabbit sprayed right and left. "Did you get the artichoke tubers?" yelled the Wabbit as he hit another Skarrot. "No, they'd gone orange!" shouted Lapinette and she caught a slower Skarrot on his tapering cone. But the Skarrots seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of carrot ray fuel and the battle raged on and on. "How are we for supplies, Snail?" shouted the Wabbit. "You look like you swallowed a chicken." "I'm well depleted," yelled Snail. So the Wabbit made a decision. "Fall back, fall back!" he shouted. "How do we get into these fights?" yelled Lapinette. "We get bored," answered the Wabbit. "So what about the shopping?" shouted Lapinette, clipping another Skarrot on the root and backing off. "Later!" yelled the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the GM Carrot Crisis

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette followed the Genetically Modified Skarrots to the supermarket, hid behind the peppers and waited. Then they heard a series of whoosh-whoosh sounds and saw orange rays dart into every corner of the vegetable section. "Everything's turning carrot-coloured," said Lapinette. "Keep out of the way of these rays," said the Wabbit, or we'll be orange too." "Yuk!" said Lapinette and flattened herself against the pepper stand. "If we don't stop them, every living thing will become a Skarrot," grunted the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur for anything he could find - because just for the moment he had no idea how to stop the creatures. Lapinette grimaced as a carrot ray sliced past her ear. "They seem very annoyed," said Lapinette. "That's the transgenic bacteria," said the Wabbit. "It makes them mad and spreads like wildfire. And it seems to be colour-based." "You know more than I thought," said Lapinette. "I know too much for my own good," said the Wabbit and he thought for a minute. "What colour turns orange into green?" he asked. "Blue," said Lapinette with a smile. "Big Blue Snail!" said the Wabbit. "I'll get him and my Snazer slime gun. I won't be a minute." "What am I  supposed to do in the mean time?" said Lapinette. "Keep out of their way and pick up some artichoke tubers for dinner," suggested the Wabbit. "You want me to shop?" asked Lapinette. "Blend in," said the Wabbit. "You'll hear more of this," scowled Lapinette. "I know," said the Wabbit. Then he vanished.

3. The Wabbit and the GM Skarrots

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette took a short cut, but somehow the Skarrots managed to evade them. "Look they're over there!" hissed Lapinette and they both took up positions behind a pole and watched as the Skarrots queued for a bus to the city. "Surprising behaviour," said the Wabbit. "They've been coached!" said Lapinette. "Why don't you call it in to the Department, see what they know." The Wabbit got on the blower as he called it, and started muttering things in code. His radio hissed and the Wabbit hit it hard with his paw. "Shhh!" he said. It crackled slightly. "That's better," said the Wabbit and he spoke softly. "Yes, they're getting on the bus now. Yes, yes. Oh yes. No." "What's going on?" whispered Lapinette. "Apparently the plan is to let them go where they're going. Nothing must impede them." "Where are they going?" asked Lapinette. "We''re going to find out," said the Wabbit and shut off his radio. "The driver won't have change for 50 Euro notes," said Lapinette. "Don't worry," said the Wabbit. "I know him and I told him to expect unusuality." "And you'll owe him a dinner I suppose," said Lapinette. "Money well spent," said the Wabbit. "Unusuality isn't a word," said Lapinette. "Yes it is," said the Wabbit. "I bet you dinner it's not," said Lapinette. "OK," said the Wabbit and he smiled a confident smile. "It is a word isn't it?" sighed Lapinette. "Big eats!" grinned the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit & the Horrifying Arrivals

Acting on information received, the Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette slipped into the airport unobserved and, hiding behind a distant carousel, they watched in horror as Genetically Modified carrots poured from the luggage belt. "This carousel is never used," whispered Lapinette. "That’s because it never works," said the Wabbit. "Well it’s working today," said Lapinette. "Do you think the Skarrots will go through customs?" "I don’t think they’re big on passports," said the Wabbit. "Maybe they’ll eat their way through," said Lapinette. The Wabbit started to smile, but then he grimaced. "The things will spread out across the city, foraging," he said. "I suppose they’re not big on restaurants either," said Lapinette. "They’ll start with the customers," said the Wabbit, "and then eat furnishings, crockery and they particularly like to destroy High School Musical posters." "That’s in their favour, I suppose," said Lapinette sniffily. The Wabbit allowed himself a chortle, but one of the Skarrots turned and they both ducked for cover. "What can stop them?" hissed  Lapinette. "I don’t know yet," said the Wabbit. "Exploding them with C4 only causes them to divide and multiply." "Every enemy has a weak point," murmured Lapinette, thinking of a book she’d been reading." "Did you find that in the Carrot Library?" asked the Wabbit. "No, in the "Day of the Triffids","  said Lapinette. “How do they do it?” asked the Wabbit. "Crop ‘em, chop ‘em and cook ‘em," said Lapinette sweetly.

1. The Wabbit and the Carrot Library

Lapinette clutched her book as if her life depended on it, because she had found some surprising information on Genetically Modified vegetables. The Wabbit emerged from the library and hailed her. "Do come in Lapinette, everything’s laid out for your research," he cried with some glee. "I never knew the Carrot Library existed," said Lapinette. "Oh it’s very new," said the Wabbit. "It’s an independent venture of the Carrot Club." "Of which you are this year’s Grand Daucus,” said Lapinette kindly. The Wabbit bowed gravely. "Who pays for it?" asked Lapinette. "The Carrot Club does, through public subscriptions, private grants and fund raising events," said the Wabbit proudly. "No Department of Wabbit Affairs money then?" said Lapinette slyly. "Not as such," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and inclined her head.  "The Agitprop section has a special books, stationery and apparatus allowance, part of which I cause to arrive here," admitted the Wabbit. Lapinette was used to the Wabbit’s unorthodox, yet somehow fair budget adjustments. "Did you find the Skarrot locator device?" she ventured.  "I did," said the Wabbit. "It can identify any rogue carrot within a distance of 400 kilometres." "What constitutes a rogue carrot exactly?" said Lapinette. "Arms, legs, eyes, bared teeth and a voracious appetite," said the Wabbit. "What do they eat?" said Lapinette. "Everything that gets in their way," said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit Accessorises

The Wabbit was waiting for Lapinette when she came hopping down the shop stairs. "Look what I found!" she cried. "Excellent!" said the Wabbit, automatically. "What have you been doing?" The Wabbit knew quite well what Lapinette had been doing, but he thought he'd better ask anyway. "I've been accessorising!" said Lapinette unexpectedly. The Wabbit could think of only two kinds of accessory. The first, you bolted onto other things and the second, you plugged in to something else. The Wabbit knew that in both cases, it gave the object concerned some extra functions. "Splendid," said the Wabbit. "That shirt looks a bit Tyrolean. Are you using it to strategise on the next mission?" "There's a new mission and I didn't hear?" said Lapinette with surprise.  "Well I think it's going to happen," said the Wabbit. "I was reading Carrot World and there are disturbing developments." Lapinette suddenly remembered that this was the Wabbit's year to perform the duties of Grand Daucus for the Carrot Club, so she didn't make any jokes. "Should I visit the armoury?" she asked hesitantly. "That would be wise," said the Wabbit. " Our far-flung outposts have suffered sabotage and wilful damage. Witnesses observed strange colourful creatures that looked like carrots." "Parrots?" said Lapinette. to make sure she'd heard properly. "Reports have to be verified," said the Wabbit, "but they're calling them Skarrots and you wouldn't want to run into them by accident!" Lapinette looked at the Wabbit with a questioning look. "They Meet and Eat," he said.

The Wabbits & the Intermission Band

"Perhaps the band might help us with our Autism appeal?" suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit merely turned and shouted, "Baião rhythm, 2/4 time!" The band complained good-naturedly about the change in tempo but nevertheless set up a driving beat and a "Too! ta-too, Too! ta-too," echoed round the buildings. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and sang. “You, to me. Are sweet as roses in the morning." Lapinette looked back and sang in answer. "And you to me, are soft as summer rain at dawn. In love, we share that something rare." She stopped for an impossible instant and came in loud and late on the next line. "The sidewalks in the street!" Then they put their heads together, and  both sang. "The concrete and the clay beneath our feet, begins to crumble. But love will never die. Because we'll see the mountains tumble. Before we say goodbye." Now it was the Wabbit’s turn. "My love. And I. Will be in love eternally. That's the way. Mmm, that`s the way it's meant to be." Then the band joined in. "The sidewalks in the street! The concrete and the clay beneath our feet begins to crumble. But love will never die. Because we'll see the mountains tumble. Before we say goodbye." "Mmmm," sang the Wabbit. "That’s the way it’s meant to be," sang Lapinette. There was a smattering of applause from passers by. "Now you hop round and collect money for Autism," said the Wabbit. "Why me?" asked Lapinette. "You’ll get more than me," said the Wabbit. "I will?" queried Lapinette. "Trust me," said the Wabbit.


The featured autism organisation for this adventure is http://www.autism-society.org/get-involved/state-resources/wyoming.html

The Wabbits stop for Refreshments

Instead of materialising at home, the gang found themselves sitting in a hotel garden. The Wabbit looked at the Moto Snails with a gleam in his eye. "While you were carousing around, bringing down governments, we were looking for a suitable hostelry," said Mo. "We got a special price," said To. "We beat 'em down," said Mo. "Then aperitivi all round," smiled Lapinette. "I'll drink to that!" said Pio the Puppet. "You don't have to have a carrot aperitivo, Pio," said Lapinette, "what would you like?" "I'll have ..." said Pio, thinking furiously, "a Tomfooleries' 007" "What's that?" asked Lapinette. "I know," said the Wabbit. Everyone turned to look at him curiously. "Rum, orange juice and a splash of Sprite," he smiled. Everyone stared at the Wabbit, waiting for more information. "Named for a song by Desmond Dekker," said the Wabbit. No one flinched or said a word. "The rudeboys go wail, cause them out of jail," explained the Wabbit. "Them a loot, them a shoot, them a wail," he continued. This met with absolute silence. "Them on probation now," said the Wabbit finally. Everyone sighed a long sigh. "Serve 'em right," said Lapinette. Mo giggled. The Wabbit wished he'd kept his mouth shut and tried to hide his embarrassment with a question. "Pio, what kind of adventure would you say that was?" he asked, as he usually did. "Espionage thriller," said Pio. "Wabbit Spooks," said To. "I'd like to bring down a government," said Mo. "How would you replace it?" said To cautiously. "No government," shrugged Mo. Pio laughed and cracked his knuckles. "There's no government like No Government!" he grinned. And they all laughed and laughed and laughed.

7. The Wabbit takes a Passenger

 

"Hop on Pio" said the Wabbit "You're coming with us!" "I rather think I'd better," murmured Pio, who had sprained his puppet ankle in the scuffle by kicking a puppet who got in his way. It was a puppet who had trodden on Pio's toes on more than one occasion and Pio had taken reprisals on the way out. "What kind of economist are you, Pio?" asked the Wabbit, who received an economic review every month. "I am a follower of Michal Kalecki," said Pio solemnly. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "he plays a kind of rhythm and blues jazz on a Hammond B-3 organ." "Wabbit! You know quite well that's Vojtek Karolak!" said Lapinette, who had been raiding the Wabbit's extensive but eclectic jazz collection. "Is he always like this?" asked Pio of Lapinette. "You'll get used to it," said Lapinette. "Is Snail travel proven safe?" said Pio. "That would be no fun at at all," said Mo with relish. "We have Advanced Fuzzy Traction," said To. "Excellent. I have futures in that," said Pio and he settled back in comfort. "How many Machs would you like the Snails to travel?" said the Wabbit. "Eight hundred and eighty one thousand please," said Pio, thinking of his investment. "I think I need to do more work in the shed for the speed of light," grimaced the Wabbit, "and a new budget line."  "No need," said Mo. And this time there was no boom. It was more of a quiet whoosh and the MoTo Snails and their passengers warped to a tiny dot and vanished.

6. The Wabbit brings down the House

Lapinette turned on a camera and the Wabbit swam into sight on the big screen. "Puppets!" he commanded. "Listen! Now you have a choice!" The Puppets stared at the Wabbit and they shifted uneasily. "Rise!" shouted the Wabbit. "Rise like puppets woke by thunder!" Lapinette clashed two cymbals together and everyone jumped and gave the Wabbit time to think of the next line. "In unconquerable number!" he cried.  There was as snapping noise from the back of the House, followed by others. "Snap your strings like crusty glue, that day by day attached to you!" rhymed the Wabbit. A ripple passed through the puppets like a Mexican Wave. The Wabbit thought furiously. "You're solo puppets through and through!" he bellowed. No-one really knows who threw the first punch. Perhaps no one ever will. But the Wabbit thought he caught sight of Pio's jacket and a light grinned from one of his 28 teeth. The House dissolved into a flurry of puppet limbs and severed strings and all was chaos. "Lets get out of here," said Lapinette and she propelled the Wabbit down the stairs to the door. "Where on earth did you get that poem?" "I borrowed it," gasped the Wabbit, "I took it from Shelley." "Not the Masque of Anarchy?" said Lapinette. "Well, did it work?" demanded the Wabbit. "It worked," sighed Lapinette. "It always does," smiled the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit takes Over

Suddenly the chamber filled with puppets who listened automatically to a tinny but familiar voice from hidden loudspeakers. "I recognise that Agent chatter," murmured the Wabbit.  "Shhh," said Lapinette, "it will soon be time to move." The Voice was glib and certain and it continued smugly. "All voting on Regulation 207/4, hyper-genetic carrots, draw close and prepare to vote the usual way." The Wabbit winked at Pio. "Wait for it," Lapinette frowned. Pio nodded and then cracked his knuckles. All the puppets glanced in Pio’s direction and their arms twitched slightly. The loudspeaker crackled again. "In the introduction of designer GM carrots with anti-wabbit vaccine, all vote "Yes"." But nothing happened and everything was still. The puppets looked at each other and jingled the Wabbit’s coins in their pockets. "It therefore passes into statute, nem con" hissed the furious Voice. “No!” shouted the Wabbit. The puppets froze. “Under the rules of the House, I abstain!” he yelled. “So do I!” said Lapinette and as they both raised their voting arms a forest of abstaining arms rose behind them. "No confidence in the House!" shouted the Wabbit and he flung his fake voting arm on the floor. "No confidence, no confidence, no confidence," repeated the puppets until their voices reached a crescendo that rattled the windows. The Wabbit grinned and hopped forward to glare at the place the voice was coming from. "I challenge the House, the assembly is mine," he yelled and turned to the puppets. "Who's in charge?" he shouted. "Wabbit!" they yelled back. 

4. The Wabbit seeks Advice

The Wabbit drew his contact aside to ask a private but pertinent question. "Pray tell me your name," said the Wabbit smiling a special diplomatic smile. "I am Pio Pulcinella!" said the Puppet, "how may I assist you?" "You are a political and economic puppet," whispered the Wabbit confidentially. "And I'm at your service," said Pio. "It's about my lists of priorities," said the Wabbit. Pio nodded. "Tell me more," he urged. "I keep adding to my lists and they get longer," said the Wabbit. "How are they organised?" asked Pio. "Randomly," said the Wabbit brightly. "That's not too unusual," said Pio. "so tell me which is your most important list and which is your longest?" "That's easy," said the Wabbit, "because they're one and the same list," "What's your name for that list," said Pio patiently. "Miscellaneous," said the Wabbit. Pio shook his head and thought for a while. Then he snapped his fingers. "What then" he asked," is the item at the very top of that list?" "Organising my lists," said the Wabbit. Pio Pulcinella leaned back with satisfaction and cracked his knuckles. "You have a knapsack problem," he said. "I do?" said the Wabbit. "And there is a knapsack solution," said Pio. "Do tell," said the Wabbit sceptically, since he had an overflowing knapsack at home and that was on one of his lists. "Only so much can go in your knapsack," said Pio, "so get rid of what you don't need." "I'm uncertain about what I don't need," said the Wabbit. "I have a computer programme for uncertainty," smiled Pio.