3. The Wabbit and a Technical Matter

The day had turned an electric yellow when the Wabbit caught up with Wabsworth. He spotted him from behind a van and ran to catch up. Lapinette went the other way. "Wabsworth," they shouted in unison. Wabsworth turned looking bemused. "I was just accepting an order from that van driver." He tapped his clipboard. "He was supposed to arrive at 3 pm." The Wabbit knew it was only five past and shrugged. "You look stressed," said Wabsworth. "It's a matter of artificial intelligence," said Lapinette. "It's not what it's cracked up to be," grinned Wabsworth. For an android, he had a dry sense of humour. "A project got out of paw." The Wabbit looked crestfallen, "and robots are running amuck in the city." "These would be the ones I saw on the bus," commented Wabsworth. He looked at the bus stop. "They were telling stories and entertaining passengers." Lapinette waved her paws. "They're dangerous." Wabsworth looked at his clipboard again. The Wabbit knew his android double didn't need a clipboard. Wabsworth smiled. "They're not configured properly. Artificial Intelligence is the biggest scam ever perpetrated on an unsuspecting public. You have to tell robots exactly what to do - then they do it." The Wabbit gave Wabsworth a look. "What about you?" Wabsworth shrugged just like the Wabbit. "I tell myself what to do. I'm the thinking man's android." Lapinette groaned and slapped her forehead with her paw. "Just tell us what to do about these robots." Wabsworth paused. "Did you write instructions....?"  The Wabbit nodded. "I did start but it was too much manual labour."

2. The Wabbit and the Bus Incident

Things quietened. The Wabbit shut down his program and they made their way home. But halfway along Via Gregorio VII, they met with a chaotic scene. A bus had come to a sudden standstill in the middle of the road, and it looked like the driver had long since fled. Two robots battled, stamping and scuttling. A robot rabbit, much the same as the Wabbit designed, chased a giant spider. The Wabbit jumped on the bus and tried to control the robots. But despite much jabbing of controls, it wouldn't respond. Lapinette climbed to a nearby balcony and took aim with an automatic. Bullets zipped across the street but had no effect. Lapinette shouted to the Wabbit. "What's going on?" Ambulance sirens wailed their way down the central reservation. The Wabbit shrugged. "It must have spawned." He jumped from the bus. The robot took no notice. The spider turned and shot streams of metallic venom at the robot. The robot flicked them off as if they were nothing more than insects. "I'm not sure what to do," said the Wabbit, "They're not under my control." Lapinette gave up firing bullets. With a sudden movement the robots stopped, turned and jumped on another bus to the centre. The Wabbit shrugged again. "Let the carabinieri sort it out. In the meantime, I'll talk to Wabsworth." Lapinette jumped down. "He ought to know." The Wabbit grinned. "It was his idea."

1. The Wabbit and the Robot Rabbit

Lapinette rounded a corner in Rome and spotted the Wabbit running from a ferocious Rabbit. "Need a helping paw?" Lapinette hung from the lamp post, because the Wabbit had been working in his shed and he was grinning. "Stop Robot!" The giant rabbit froze. The Wabbit laughed and laughed. "What do you think, Lapinette? I've been experimenting with Artificial Intelligence." Lapinette spluttered with mirth. "It looks like something I've seen before." The Wabbit shrugged. "AI is in its infancy. I don't expect much." Lapinette looked the rabbit up and down. "It needs a bit of work in the ferocity department, if that's what you want." The Wabbit surveyed the rabbit too. "Every time I asked for a rabbit, the computer produced chubby faced creatures that would be at home on a baby's play pen." Lapinette dropped from the lamp post. "Maybe a vampire rabbit like the ones in Wallace and Gromit?" The Wabbit considered it. "I think they were werewolf type rabbits." Lapinette danced around the robot. "Maybe he does look ferocious. But the eyes should be red." The Wabbit played with his remote. The robot's eyes glowed red. "That's better," smiled Lapinette, "Does it speak?" "I most certainly do," said the robot. "Very convincing!" murmured Lapinette. "I didn't programme that," grimaced the Wabbit. The robot's head slowly turned. "I programed that myself," it growled.

[The featured robot is created using artificial intelligence]

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The team gathered in a caffè near a cinema they knew well. The Cinema was named Stardust Village, which they felt was truly appropriate. Skratch was late as usual, and he stared at himself in the mirror. "What gives, Skratch?" said the Wabbit. Skratch spoke but continued to stare. "I'm looking at my image in the mirror - or is the image looking at me?" Lapinette giggled. "You're suggesting that mirror theory is wrong headed. It really applies to cats." It was time for the Wabbit to rap the table hard. "That spot is bewitched. Only theory can break the spell." Wabsworth raised a paw. "Then it's here that we'll break it." Skratch meaowed hard and long. "All texts are haunted I'd say. We are all hopeless victims of the ruling ideological classes." Being an android, Wabsworth had a vast knowledge of old texts and a complete collection of Cahiers du Cinema. He rapped the table himself. "A situation in which we are all quite blind." Lapinette laughed. "We do know that and therefore I'd say only part sighted." The Wabbit drew himself up. "Talking of sight, I see no wine. What's everyone having?" Skratch growled. "I'll have a Prosecco - no, Franciacorta." Wabsworth smiled. "I think my circuitry can tolerate an Aperol Spritz." "I'll join you," murmured Lapinette. "What about you, Wabbit?" "I'll have a whisky," he replied. "My goodness," yelled Lapinette, "The mirror cracked from side to side!"

[Our thanks to Paula Murphy]

7 The Wabbit and the Home Landing

The Wabbit and Lapinette spilled off the skateboard and onto the stairs in the ethnographic museum. They were roughly half a kilometre from their original position. The Wabbit glanced at the clocks. It was the same time as they left. The Wabbit winced as the whirling skateboard hit him on the back and sent him flying. Oil sprayed from the wheels and lay glistening on the marble stairs. He wiped some from his fur. "A bit liberal in your application I'd say, Wabbit." "Radical!" responded the Wabbit. Lapinette picked herself up. She glanced up the steps. "Are you sure this is the right dimension?" The Wabbit glanced up too. "Well, the Three in One got us home at exactly the right time." Lapinette smoothed her frock. "The right time - where?" The Wabbit looked downstairs this time. "I can see Skratch and Wabsworth coming." "That's reassuring," murmured Lapinette. "We'd better get this oil off the stairs," said the Wabbit, "or people will fall on their fundaments." He took a bottle of 'oil-away' from his fur and sprayed it around. He flipped the skateboard and tucked it under his elbow. "It needs more work," he declaimed. "I suggest a rigorous overhaul then hold it under lock and key." Lapinette was adamant and stood with her paws on her hips. The Wabbit turned. "Did you film any of this?" Lapinette shook her head. "Sick," moaned the Wabbit. 

6. The Wabbit and the Likely Spot

The Wabbit grinned. They were home. That's what he thought anyway. Lapinette leaned into the wind with no paws. "I've never seen Viale Pasteur so quiet." The Wabbit nodded. "It must be early in the morning." "On a Sunday," replied Lapinette. "In August," added the Wabbit. He paused. "I'm going to put her down." Lapinette jumped as they skidded along the road and landed near a curb. "The Wabbit and Lapinette. Coming to a dimension near you!" she yelled. The Wabbit flipped the board and grabbed it. Together they made their way to Caffè Palombini. "Maybe Palombini's is quiet too," suggested Lapinette. "I don't think it's ever quiet," answered the Wabbit. They rounded the corner. But Palombini's wasn't there, it was Ciampini's. "We're in the wrong dimension," scowled the Wabbit. Lapinette grinned. "We could still have a coffee." The Wabbit shrugged. "And a salad tramezzini." They sat down. Buses passed but they were the wrong colour. They swigged back their coffee and munched their sandwiches. "I think I know what to do," said the Wabbit. He lifted the skateboard and took a can of 3 in 1 from his fur. He oiled the wheel bearings. He span them round, then span them back. They left cash on the table and jumped on the deck. The Wabbit smiled. "When we hit the next dimension, get ready to bail."

5. The Three Muses and Time Together

Tipsy sprang in the air and somehow hung there. Then Fitzy, then Mitzy. Tipsy was first. "Where is the Wabbit? Is he in unpath'd waters or undream'd shores?" They all leaped and hung in the starry night. "There are worlds elsewhere!" shouted Fitzy. Mitzy was quick to reply. "And none so dark that ignorance shall come of them." Tipsy laughed a hollow laugh. "They are but a hairbreadth from our paws." They changed position and reassembled with Fitzy in the midst. "The enchanted skateboard takes the Wabbit both close and far." Mitzy took time to laugh. "Pleasure and action make the hours seem short. There is no journey like the present to be enjoyed." They hold paws and pirouette. Then chant simultaneously. "How shall we extricate the Wabbit from this untimely mess? How? How?" They raised their paws in the air. "For he wastes time and now time wastes him. Yet he is in the present still." The night crowded around them as they danced. "There is only now!" shouted Tipsy. They link together, holding paws. "If it be now tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now." Tipsy jumps high. "If it will come, tis now it will come for the Wabbit. Readiness is all and Lapinette is sure to be ready." A mist descends. They blow kisses. One by one they vanish into swirling clouds. 

4. The Wabbit and the World of Agents

The Wabbit and Lapinette soared into what looked like a cloudy sky, but it was another dimension. They looked down. The world was occupied by Agents of Rabbit. "Oh no!" exclaimed Lapinette. "They seem to have the upper paw here." The Wabbit sighed and tried to get more speed. "I don't think they'll want us messing in their dimension. "We've been spotted," cried Lapinette. The Agents looked up and shook their fists. One of them shouted. "Come down here and have a nice cup of tea. It's freshly brewed." "We can talk," shouted another. "We're lovely, lovely rabbits," yelled another. There was menace in his voice. "Got to go," said the Wabbit quietly. "Another appointment," said Lapinette. The Agents were jumping to grasp the edge of the skateboard. The Wabbit forced a bit more height, then boned it. Grasping paws flailed in the air. "I'm not sure we can keep this up without momentum from something. We need to do a gnarly." Lapinette had not the slightest notion of what he was talking about. But she knew he had to hit the ground at an angle and bounce. "The car," she yelled. She held on tight as the skateboard kickflipped from the car. They narrowly missed an Agent and heard him curse as they flew upwards. "I don't like it here," grimaced Lapinette. The Wabbit saw the air shimmering at a crossroads and he headed for the spot. There was a bang - and they vanished.

Car at Pixabay

3. The Wabbit and the Skeletal Dimension

The skateboard propelled them some distance and then the scene changed. The Wabbit was horrified. "This isn't EUR. Must be some kind of glitch." Lapinette pursed her lips. "An interdimensional glitch?" The Wabbit hopped up and down. "So keep a hold on the skateboard," he cautioned. He looked about. "This place, it's derelict. And it looks like Turin."  It had rained and the concrete glistened under an orange sky. They heard footsteps. A figure glided past them. It said nothing. Half skeleton, half muscle, it ground towards an unknown destination. "Maybe it couldn't get proper clothes in the abandoned shopping centre," observed the Wabbit. "It's a fine figure of .. something," answered Lapinette. "Perhaps there are others like it," said the Wabbit. "Perhaps they'll be more communicative," said Lapinette. The creature turned. "I am model TXY-495469. What models are you?" The Wabbit shrugged. "We are wabbits." Then he added a string of numerals so the creature wouldn't feel left out. "Wabbits 2024-uvxyz." The creature looked them in the eyes. "What is your function?" The Wabbit thought quickly. "We are the diplomatic legation from Terra..." "Terra 123," added Lapinette. "A far off dimension of which I know little," admitted the creature. Her head swivelled. "Is that your board?" The Wabbit nodded. "Your own board. You must be of extremely high status in your dimension?" Her voice was filled with awe. "Enormously," nodded Lapinette. "River deep, mountain high," quipped the Wabbit. 

Skeleton: https://pixabay.com/users/massagenerds-5254990/

2. The Wabbit and the Dimension Jump

The Wabbit went outside and hopped on the skateboard. He threw two coins on the ground. "Tethering," he said. The deck's wheels expanded to enormous proportions. Lapinette hopped on behind him. "Hold on. Don't get separated." The Wabbit's voice was firm. Lapinette did as she was told. The deck began to move. There was a shimmer. They were in the same place but it had different colours. The sky was steel grey. Buildings stood out like toys. "Where are we?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit flipped the nose. "Any one of a million different dimensions." Lapinette glanced up and down. "Can we get off?" "No," said the Wabbit. His voice was emphatic. "Not unless we investigate first." A sound like thunder split the air. They looked down. A tyrannosaurus of sorts rose from the water, spraying water across their faces. It roared like a bull of Bashan. Then a voice. "Go away, you don't belong here." The Wabbit popped the rear of his skateboard. "Just visiting." The skateboard swung round. "This is our dominion. It belongs to the Great Tyrannosaurus League. An unavailability permit is required." The creature gnashed his teeth. The Wabbit felt Lapinette touch his shoulder. "Time to jump," she whispered. The tyrannosaurus roared once more and laughed. "Try C-01538. They take all sorts there. They might give you a job." The Wabbit jumped, kickflipped and shredded off. But they heard the tyrannosaurus yell insults behind them. "What an unpleasant reptile," said Lapinette. "Bogan!" shrugged the Wabbit.

Tyrannosaurus: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/dinosaur-tyrannosaurus-animal-t-rex-6286030/ Skateboard: https://pixabay.com/users/jillrose999-16379406/

1. The Wabbit and the Big Jump

Lapinette was quietly looking out of her office window in EUR when the Wabbit flashed by. She blinked. She gasped. She wondered whether she'd imagined it. She knew the Wabbit wasn't given to sport of any kind. But he was definitely on a skateboard. And his expression of grim determination suggested he'd been practicing. She waited a while. Then she heard a loud crash and a lot of cursing. More time elapsed. The Wabbit burst through her office door wearing dusty fur and a bloody lip. Lapinette looked at him with an unforgiving expression. "You think you're a teenager?" The Wabbit hopped to the window and shrugged. "It's a project." He stared at the window and revisualised his trip. "Needs tweaking." He stood for a moment and thought. Lapinette waited. "It's interdimensional," said the Wabbit, "It takes the passenger to other dimensions on this planet." Lapinette waited even more. "It's unobtrusive," added the Wabbit, "Just in case we meet anyone who takes a dislike to us."  Lapinette grinned a sickly grin. "Who's us?" The Wabbit spread out his paws. "You and me, of course." "Who could possibly take a dislike to me?" sulked Lapinette. The Wabbit brought out his best shrug and smiled. "Will there be aperitivi?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned. "If you travel the multiverse, I hear each place has welcoming cocktails." Lapinette grinned too. "Let's go. No great story started with a salad."

The Wabbit's Famous Adventure Caffè

It was one of these days when the weather didn't know what to make of itself. The sky was gloomy yet bright. Maybe it might rain. No-one sat at the chosen caffè. People had made their minds up and the Wabbit shrugged. "Tell me. Skratch. What was that for a sort of adventure?" Skratch felt squeezed at the back. He pushed his way in. "It defies indexality," he said. "That's mysterious," Skratch," said Lapinette. She leapt in the air, as only Lapinette could. Skratch smiled. "Para indexality." Wabsworth knew what Skratch was talking about. His memory banks held all manner of esoteric stuff. "The image is not a clear index to something that is visually given. It is merely the Derridean trace of the object. It is para indexical." The Wabbit snorted. "I find that a bit antiseptic." Lapinette did another binky. "Now were talking medical indexality. I thought our story was perfectly normal. A horror-medical." He paused. "Why are we all standing here when we could be looking for a decent caffè?" Lapinette whirled. "There are no decent caffès on this drag, we need to hop a couple of blocks." She whirled again then stood still. "We can maximise its interfaciality, in reference to other blocks?" meaowed Skratch. "On their plane of immanence? I doubt it," stated Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked around and couldn't see any signs of an immanent drink. "I know a good caffè just off Via Po," he shrugged. Lapinette pirouetted once more. "So what are we waiting for?" 

8. The Wabbit and Wabphage Attack

The Wabbit emerged through a door in front of the Doppelganger's lab. He wore one his annoying smiles. Designed to distract, it had served him well in the past. He knew it would work now. Unseen, Wabsworth crept round the back bearing the payload. "Greetings Doppelganger," said the Wabbit. The Doppelganger was rattled. He snapped, "Call me by my proper name!" The Wabbit smiled a sardonic grin. "Which is?" All the beakers in the lab shook. "Commander Wabbit! I am the real one," yelled the Doppelganger. He frothed at the mouth but his paws held on to the index bag of blood. Wabsworth crept into position. With a hypodermic, he drew the manufactured bacteria from the flask and hopped forward. He could hear the Wabbit taunting the Doppelganger - so he sensed his chance. He hopped forward and plunged the needle into the bag. He had the element of surprise. With time left, he withdrew more fluid and jabbed the doppelganger. The Wabphage ingredients worked almost immediately. The blood in the bag modified as it began to consume itself. Then the Doppelganger's DNA warped - and the reaction was fast. His body convulsed in pain. He grabbed at tubes. His skin changed colour as he crumpled. Pale faced, he lay gasping on the floor. With his last breath he cursed the Wabbit. "This is not the end. I'll be back!" 

Background elements:  Pixabay; Blood Bags Flask

7. Lapinette and the Blood Spatter

Lapinette was keeping a close eye on the Doppelganger. He was messy as usual and spattered a lot of blood on the workshop window. He sang the while. "Bloody blood, so much bloody blood." Nevertheless, his work looked like it would succeed. He was singing a song about blood. Lapinette's ears pricked up as she paid attention. "Platelets, redlets, whitelets, clotlets. Round and round they're on a spree. Soon we'll have an army, an army an army. Soon we'll have an army, one two three." He gathered up a blood bag and rocked it like a baby. "He's singing to it," gasped Lapinette, "He's mad as a bag of bees." Lapinette felt a buzz in the air. It got louder and louder. It reached a crescendo then died. She inched backwards and out of sight. "Hurry up Wabbit," she shouted. "It's all happening." The building shook. Blood seemed to seep from the walls. Wabsworth and the Wabbit snuck round the back. Wooden beams fell. They held on because everything was shaking. Lights flickered. The metallic smell of blood grew more intense. They could hear the doppelganger singing. It was faintly out of tune and seemed to come and go. Lapinette heard the Wabbit and Wabsworth muttering. Then the Wabbit shouted, "Now!"

[Background and blood graphics at Pixabay]

6. Wabsworth and the Emergency Vehicle

Wabsworth loaded the supply of bio-engineered blood into a vehicle he'd borrowed from the pool at short notice. Then he'd scribbled a note and jumped in. The Wabbit had specified a silent approach so he didn't use the sirens. But he switched on the blue lights and piled through the city like a cheetah on steroids. People scattered. An entire troop of scouts jumped for safety and a jeep full of soldiers took fright and ran. The road to Eur was usually busy but it cleared as he put his foot down. He took a corner on two wheels then turned into the bunker and dropped down the stairs. Strictly speaking, the stairway didn't have the width for a vehicle that size, but Wabsworth squeezed along the concrete canyon and screeched to a halt outside a fortified barrier. The Wabbit's head popped out. "I know I said silent, Wabsworth, but I meant discreet! Anyway, let's have it." Wabsworth held up a canister. "Best I can do at short notice, Commander." The Wabbit looked impressed. Lapinette emerged and she looked impressed too. "The doppelganger is in there with his fakery," she said. "Are we ready to go?" Wabsworth opened his door and jumped down. "I need to get my kit out the back." The back was full of medical paraphernalia. Wabsworth emerged with flasks and tubes and wearing a grim face. "What do you call a scientist who expresses a non self antigen?" No-one said anything. They just shook their heads. "Humoraly Immune!"