4. The Three Fates at the Whisky Bar

Wabsworth was master of the keys and he tinkled the ivories as Tipsy, Mitzy and Fitzy swayed to the rhythm of Brecht. "There's no whisky in this bar," yelled Tipsy. Mitzy moved from left to right. "Wabsworth has whisky and he doesn't even like it." They swayed in unison like the Ronettes. "He has an algorithm for Scotch," they sang. Wabsworth hit a discordant note. "There's no Lapinette in this bar! She can't be far; she can't be far." They changed positions. Tipsy stepped to the front. "No-one knows anything about this adventure. So pass me. The whisky. I must have it, it inspires, you know why." "Pass it. Pass it. We know why," echoed Fitzy and Mitzy. Wabsworth his paws flying across the keys, shifted chords and played Alabama song like the Doors. "Where is the Wabbit?" slurred Tipsy. "At the next whisky bar," said Fitzy. "It's not far," said Mitzy. "It's round the corner from the Spar," chanted Tipsy. Fitzy crossed her legs at an impossible angle. The scent of whisky hung in the air. Wabsworth paws flew and suddenly he sang. "Show me the way to the next lovely girl." Mitzy's eyes flashed. "Your good old Mama. That's me!" She lurched sideways into Tipsy's paws and was propelled across the dance floor. "And now we say goodbye!" Tipsy, Fitzy and Mitzy swayed through the nearest exit. Wabsworth grinned and stood. He swept his fur back, closed the lid of the piano, turned to an imaginary audience and said, "If you enjoyed that, tell my agent." Ghostly applause filled the room. Then to the accompaniment of ethereal cheering, he hopped through the same exit.

3. Lapinette and her Personal Guard

Lapinette gathered her personal guard and headed out to help the Wabbit. They crowded beside her as they'd been instructed to keep away from the side windows. "Keep your weapons inside the truck," yelled Lapinette, "We're in the centre of Rome, don't get mixed up with any tourists." They resembled a mass of darting eyes, looking for prey. The truck hurtled from the doorway of the building they had on loan for a few months until they were ready to make a permanent transfer. When Lapinette drove, the truck seemed to fly. The wheels hardly touched the ground as they coasted the streets near the castle. Fast as a magnet, they scorched a route across the tarmac and the short distance to the market where the Wabbit was last seen. "What the fried fish happened here?" gasped Fitzy. "Flirk, flack, fluck a tluck," lisped Mitzy. It was the closest to swearing as Lapinette's personal guard ever got. All except for Tipsy. "Mosquitos buggered shitweasel!" Lapinette was turning red as she threw on the brakes. "Split up, you strump muppets. Find the Wabbit!" They all leapt out. Brandishing weapons high in the air, they vanished. "Strewth. That felt like herding cats," said Lapinette. She grabbed her automatic, dropped down from the truck and headed into the market. 

2. The Wabbit at San Silverio Market

His radio calls were futile and the Wabbit searched all night. Evening turned to morning and still there was no sign of Lapinette. The walkie talkie maintained an obstinate silence. He circled round. He walked the length and breadth of San Silvario Market and went all the places where Lapinette might go, but still no luck. He was about return to HQ when the radio burst into life. "Commander?" asked Wabsworth, "Where have you been? We've been trying to get you." The Wabbit growled into the mouthpiece. "I've been here all the time. Via Gregorio VII." The radio crackled. "We swept by there and there was no sign of you. But I have Lapinette here," said Wabsworth. "She's been looking for you." Lapinette breathed into the radio. "Where are you now, Wabbit?" The Wabbit was getting annoyed. "San Silvario market, where we were the day before yesterday." Everyone sounded puzzled. "Sounds like you're in a time shift sort of thing," suggested Lapinette. "It's certainly some sort of thing," replied the Wabbit. "Were you in the supermarket yesterday evening?" Lapinette sounded miffed. "No. I was here until late, working on your Dinosaur Fund accounts." The Wabbit was astonished. "Well, your double was over here, laden down with Christmas shopping." "The devil's in the retails," laughed Lapinette. "I hope she got something nice." The Wabbit had to smile. "Put the team together, Lapinette. Is your personal guard available?" The Wabbit heard gunfire at the other end. "They're troubleshooting," said Lapinette. 

1. The Wabbit and the City

On his way to the supermarket, the Wabbit scurried across Via Gregorio VII. This he accomplished at great speed, thinking it was the most dangerous thing he did. Even facing the Agents of Rabit armed with the latest weaponry couldn't inspire the tension he felt. He dodged SUVs, vans, mopeds. bicycles and e-scooters and thought if he stayed still long enough, someone would probably park on his head. He hopped out of the way as a vehicle backed up, and felt under his fur for his automatic. But it was just an elderly lady with a too-big vehicle. He reached the ramp for the supermarket and was halfway down before he realised it wasn't the pedestrian entrance. He forged on and made his way through the parking area. Up ahead he spotted a familiar figure, laden down with Christmas shopping. It was Lapinette. "Lapinette, let me give you a helping paw!" His shouts were drowned by noise and bustle from above. He quickened his pace, to no avail. He took a short cut, but lost sight of her. "Where the binky did she go?" Another SUV moved across his path, blocking his vision. He thought he saw her again, but it was someone else entirely. He turned a corner. Lapinette was gone. He took out his radio but the signal was weak. He retraced his steps, glancing from right to left. When he was at street level he put in an urgent call ... 

The Wabbit goes to his Adventure Caffè

The team walked through the market in search of a snack bar, because the Wabbit insisted it was there. He jumped on a bench and executed a perfect a Highland Fling. Lapinette thought he looked precarious and held out her paws for safety. Wabsworth laughed and imitated the Wabbit as only an android could.  Skratch prowled at the back, gesticulating as usual. "What was that for a sort of adventure?" His tail flicked in anticipation. Visitors to the market disregarded these strange activities. Wabsworth took in the sights and smells, trimming his algorithms appropriately. The Wabbit jumped down, much to Lapinette's relief. Skratch meaowed mightily and caught up. "What was that for a sort of adventure you just had?" Wabsworth held up his paws and did a jig. "What lies in the semiosphere for us, Skratch?" Skratch purred. "Anything set in a cave deals with the unconscious." The Wabbit stopped clowning. "Caves and tunnels illustrate the lived experience of the psyche and the transpersonal." Wabsworth knew the Wabbit was trained in Zurich. "Ha! It puts the depth in depth psychology." Lapinette identified the book at once. "That's The Illustrated Dark by Christopher Lee." Skratch's nose twitched. "The actor or the author?" Wabsworth fell about laughing. His database was big enough to reveal the answer. Lapinette addressed the Wabbit. "Since leaving the cavern brings us to enlightenment, are you enlightened enough to find this Caffè?" The Wabbit jumped on the bench again. He pointed, shading his eyes in the manner of an explorer. "Over there."

[Thanks to: The Illustrated Dark: Cinema Soul and Shadows. Christopher Lee Miller]

10. The Wabbit and the Aftermath

They were just coming back through one of the tunnels they'd found. They left the Agents confused. Wabsworth had administered a serum he'd been developing in the Wabbit's shed. He assured the Wabbit they wouldn't remember a thing - not their organisation, not why they were there, nothing. It would take an army of shrinks to get them back to normal. As they rounded a corner, Lapinette noticed the Wabbit's double agent, Major Spitlove, standing in a corner. He wasn't pleased. "Do you know how long it took me to train these Agents?" Wabsworth laughed. "As long as it will take you to put them back together." Spitlove stamped a foot and howled in protest. "It's no good moaning, Major," said the Wabbit, "That's how it works in the trade." Lapinette smiled. "It's a good thing your space-time machine only worked as long as it did, Wabsworth. It probably turns their brains to scrambeloni." Spitlove looked puzzled. "What's scrambeloni?" The Wabbit grinned. "What I ask for in fancy restaurants to wind up the waiters." Major Spitlove was sick and tired of being the Wabbit's double agent - and he said so. Lapinette nodded. She knew the Wabbit was hard work. But Wabsworth chimed in. "Oh, he's quite good fun!" Lapinette snorted, waved her paws and mouthed, "quack quack quack." Spitlove looked at Wabsworth for explanation. Wabsworth shrugged. "Lapinette is saying the Wabbit quacks us up."

9. The Wabbit and Trouble in the Tunnel

Several rough Agents herded them into a tunnel. They were small of stature, but unlike other Agents, they seemed to have a modicum of intelligence. And they were none too gentle. The Wabbit saw blood on the tunnel floor. Wabsworth gave him the nod. "Fake," he whispered. The Agents had their weapons and for the first time in ages, the Wabbit wasn't quite sure what to do. But Wabsworth had more than a clue. "Lie doggo," he whispered. "I have a plan." The Agent gave Wabsworth a vicious kick. Wabsworth let out a fake cry. But Wabsworth had something up his sleeve. The electric shock machine was all but forgotten but Wabsworth remembered its effect when he'd connected it through his positronic memory. He touched an Agents foot. The Agent gasped then fell. The others gathered round and tied to drag him to his feet. They got a shock when they did and soon, they all lay prone. Lapinette and Wabsworth got to their feet. Lapinette tried not to slip in the fake blood. "Mind the fake blood," shouted Wabsworth. But it was too late. The Wabbit fell in it. Wabsworth grinned. "How ethical was that shock?" The Wabbit shook his head. "I think the spark between us has gone." Lapinette snorted. "The Wabbit thinks he's very funny. What are we going to do with these fellows?" "More of the same?" suggested the Wabbit. Wabsworth giggled. "They'll be ecstatic." Lapinette grinned. "Shocks ain't what they used to be."

8. The Wabbit and the Agents in Disguise

Wabsworth hopped out into the dimly lit cavern. He looked ill at ease - or that's the way it seemed to the Agents of Rabit, The Agents were dressed as the Wabbit's personal guard and they'd made a fist of it. But they couldn't replicate the drunken charm of the originals. Wabsworth stuck his paws in the air and made as if he was shivering wreck. "Please don't hurt me," he whimpered, "I'm only an android." That was the signal. While the lead Agent was distracted, the Wabbit fished out a cache of C4 he always carried in his fur and launched it over the heads of the Agents. The lead Agent dropped his pistol and tried to catch the explosive, but it landed behind them. It sent a shock wave designed to stun and the Agents fell senseless to the ground, all except for the chief. He hopped back a little, then a little more. The Wabbit stepped out. "Where are the rest?" The Agent froze. Wabsworth picked up his automatic and shoved it in his coat. "Tell us now or we'll squeeze it out of you." Lapinette emerged and played Ms Nice Wabbit. "Leave him alone, Wabsworth, I'm certain if we give him biscuits, he'll tell us all he knows." The Agents nearly smiled. "The rest are a level below. Can I have my biscuits now?" Lapinette grimaced. "I lied." But the Wabbit dug in his fur and produced a biscuit, which was rather the worse for wear. " How many?" The Agent munched the biscuit. Crumbs scattered on the floor. A door opened and several armed Agents stepped into the cavern. "Paws up!" They marched forward. "Quite a few," smiled the Agent.

7. The Wabbit and the Mouth of Darkness

The machine brought them to the mouth of Orca and its strange inscription. "Ogni Pensiero Vola." The Wabbit snorted. "All thoughts fly." He shook his head like a donkey. "All good thoughts are conceived when hopping. In you go, Wabsworth." Wabsworth half laughed. "It's always the android that gets these jobs." But he hopped in. He paused to look back and gave a thumbs up, then he was swallowed by darkness. The Wabbit shrugged. "I think I've seen this in the movies." They readied their weapons and listened. They heard twigs breaking, but they both knew they weren't twigs. They waited what seemed like an age until Wabsworth suddenly reappeared. He shrugged. "I was set upon by two thugs. I took care of them." Lapinette shuddered. "What's it like?" asked the Wabbit. "Dark," said Wabsworth, "but you get used to it." He gestured for them to enter and they made their way into the darkness. The walls were dark, damp and somewhat sticky. Matter trickled from the roof like molasses. There was a deep penetrating smell, like a fertiliser factory in a heatwave. They moved deeper into the mouth. Lapinette waved her gun at the darkness. She had the best sight and the most sensitive hearing. "Down these steps, and to the right. I can hear them snickering." She led the way down the stairs. They came upon a dank cavern. Their whispers echoed in the gloom. The Wabbit grinned. "Some idiot's repeating what we say ... "

6. The Wabbit and Proteus of the Park

Still clutching his machine, the Wabbit reached Monster Park. He stood with Lapinette in a small dais, looking at a statue of Proteus. He was nonplussed. He thought he would arrive at Orco's mouth. Lapinette gazed at Proteus. "Haven't I seen you before?" said the Wabbit. "I doubt it," said Proteus. "I am becalmed here in this ghastly place." The Wabbit looked around. "It doesn't look so bad." Proteus looked pained. "All day, every day I suffer the gaping tourists." "I know what you mean!" responded the Wabbit. "Don't get him started," groaned Lapinette. She slapped her forehead with a paw. But Proteus couldn't be stopped. "I'm entrapped here in this ghastly statue. But I least I have my fish." The fish statue moved forward at speed, surprising Wabsworth who'd been gently stroking its head. "What say you, mechanical rabbit?" boomed Proteus. "I know all things, past present and future," said Wabsworth." "So do I," said Proteus, "we must chat." The Wabbit tilted his head. "Then have you seen any strange rabbits. Awkward of gait and of repellent aspect." Proteus laughed. "They make a snickering sound unpleasant to the ear?" The Wabbit nodded. "They passed this way only yesterday," said Proteus. "They were trying to change their form but all were as shallow as pans." The Wabbit and Lapinette exchanged glances. They waved, then the Wabbit pressed the red button ... 

5. The Wabbit and Spitlove's Surprise

It was a balmy day. The grass waved in a gentle breeze. The Wabbit sniffed the air. "Spring." They looked at the structure. "A place of power," murmured Lapinette. "It's been here rather a long time. Many springs have passed." Wabsworth nodded as if they should know. They looked into the distance and observed an Agent coming down the hill towards them. "He shouldn't be able to see us!" The Wabbit wasn't happy. The Agent kept coming and then when he was a few metres away, he stopped. "Hello Commander." The Wabbit finally got it. It was Major Spitlove, his double agent. "Spitlove, I was not informed of your location. What happened to your eyes." Spitlove blinked. "Contact lenses. Don't worry, my fellow agents can't see you. With these, I can though." Lapinette got annoyed. "What's going on, Spitlove?" Spitlove considered. He didn't like to give anything away. "You probably got a message about Monster Park." They all nodded in agreement. "The Agents are planning an incursion dressed as the 400 Rabbits." The 400 constituted the Wabbit's personal guard. "They're practicing now," said Spitlove, "They're not terribly good, but they could cause an incident." They heard shouting. "They're active," said Spitlove. "Better be on your way. See you in the summer." The Wabbit nodded and checked with Lapinette. "Still got the chestnuts?" She nodded. The Wabbit grinned and pressed the red button. 

4. The Wabbit and the Winter Zone

The Wabbit grabbed the box from Wabsworth. Lapinette winced, because it had a red button, and she knew that Wabbit would press it. His paw hovered. Then he did exactly that. The scene changed. It was cold. Sunny, but icy cold. They shivered. All except for Wabsworth, but he shivered to keep them company. Winter light pierced every corner. Stones looked down with an indifferent gaze born of four thousand years of staring. Tramp tramp tramp. A marching sound caught their attention. Three Agents of Rabit advanced. A scout team. But they hopped right through them. Shivers turned to shudders. "Don't worry. They can't see you," said Wabsworth. "They know something is afoot but there's nothing visible." The Wabbit kicked a rock and it trickled along the path. The Agents looked round, but saw nothing. The Wabbit suppressed a  snigger. His twenty-eight teeth snickered. "Wabsworth, how long does this effect last?" asked Lapinette. Wabsworth shrugged. "I never had time to test it - but as long as we keep believing in it, it should hold for a few hours." Then Lapinette recalled the chestnuts. She didn't know why, but the Wabbit had suggested they pick them up and she knew she had one under her frock. She rummaged. But just as she found it the Wabbit decided to press the red button. "No!" she yelled. But the scene was already changing.  

3. The Wabbit in an Alternative Space

It wasn't quite a wrench. Neither was it a pull. But two paws moved both Lapinette and the Wabbit to a different space. They both blinked. There was a smiling Wabsworth holding a strange box. But the scene had changed. They were outside. Everything was brown like it was autumn. Icy fronds hung from trees. Boulders were covered in moss. "Like it?" queried Wabsworth. They looked around. "Where are we?" asked Lapinette. "What's that box?" asked the Wabbit. "This is the inside of the outside, or the outside of the inside. It makes no difference. It's a quantum thing," grinned Wabsworth. "I had to remove you from danger, everything is the same as it was. "Very pretty," scowled Lapinette, "But we were creeping up on the Agents of Rabit. "You were going round in circles," said Wabsworth, "These are an elite squad of Agents, well versed in time travel." Lapinette gasped. "They come from the future?" Wabsworth grinned. "Not exactly." Water dripped behind the Wabbit and joined a small stream which seemed to flow upwards. "This is an alternative space I created," said Wabsworth. "The other universe which you left is contained in this box." The Wabbit laughed. "Don't let it out, it was awful." "I can't keep it here for long," said Wabsworth, "It gives us a breathing space. I only have this, then winter, spring and summer. After that it expires." The Wabbit marched up and down, thinking. "It's autumn. Are there chestnut trees?" Wabsworth nodded and fiddled with his box. The Wabbit looked on the ground. With a lopsided grin, he said, "Divide and conker?"

2. The Wabbit and the Enchanted Caveway

Lapinette and the Wabbit travelled to Monster Park. They were there before anyone else but decided to start anyway. "I don't remember this passageway," groaned the Wabbit. "We're supposed to be sneaking up on them!" Lapinette was tetchy and so was the Wabbit. The cave was damp and cold, despite being pretty. Water dripped down the walls. Leaves lay on the ground. Colours were vaguely psychedelic. The Wabbit swept the area with his snazer. "Are you sure this is the right place?" Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "I can smell them." The acrid odour of the Agents of Rabbit assailed Lapinette's sensitive nostrils. The Wabbit could smell them too. His nose twitched in protest. "Quiet!" Lapinette heard something. They flattened against the wall but kept going. Lapinette was philosophical. "They could be anywhere in this maze. Smells travel this way and that." The Wabbit whispered. "I recall there were Agents here before. Not the best troops in the world but they were here." They travelled down the cavern. "Wabsworth should be here soon," said Lapinette. "He has our coordinates and a built-in automated direction finder." The Wabbit nodded, then shivered in the cool air. Something dropped in an adjacent cave. They froze. A shadow fell across the cave. A figure stepped in front of them ...

1. The Wabbit and the Historical Question

The Wabbit was perusing a painting in the Museo del Risorgimento. He laughed to himself. "Risorgimentos always involve people kicking seven bells out of each other!" All the same it was extremely exciting and he kept a straight face. But what the Wabbit liked about this room was the light. It struck the wall at a very particular angle and made all the paintings sit up. "Wabbit, Wabbit!" His reverie had been disturbed. Lapinette came piling into the room with sparkling eyes and a flushed face. "Phew I'm glad you're here, Wabbit. You're needed back at the Department." The Wabbit gaped. "Didn't I fill in my travel claim properly?" Lapinette pirouetted across the room. "Nothing like that. It's the Agents of Rabit. There's been an incursion just north of Rome." The Wabbit waited to hear more. "What kind of incursion?" Lapinette stamped her foot and then the other one. "An incursive incursion! They all came swarming out of that folly that you like." "The Mouth at Monster Park?" suggested the Wabbit. "That's the one," said Lapinette, "Agents pretended to be monsters and no one noticed for a while. Tourists thought it was a Monster Park experience. Until they got kidnapped." The Wabbit considered the matter carefully. "They toy with daemons." The Wabbit didn't like tourists and felt they got what they deserved. He heaved a sigh. "Better get down there. Assemble a team. Evacuate remaining tourists." Lapinette wheeled to go. "Where shall we send them?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Somewhere they understand. The Leaning Tower of Pizza."