2. The Wabbit and Skratch in the Blast

They hauled the box home so that they could examine it at leisure. Despite Skratch's reassurance that the box was empty, they found otherwise. The Wabbit spied lamps of various - all of them from China - and a few electric fittings. "What say you now, Skratch?" "I thought the box was rattling a bit. They don't weigh much, those things," said Skratch. The Wabbit had a funny feeling they shouldn't have taken the box for granted. He reached inside and grabbed a lamp. "Perfectly normal lamp, nothing strange," said Skratch. But he had a crawly feeling in his tummy that all wasn't right. "Best be a little careful with that one," he said. He pointed at the socket fitting. "It looks OK," said the Wabbit, "I really could use one of these in the shed." He seized it rather roughly. Skratch became aware of a familiar smell. "Do you smell burning?" he purred. The Wabbit hesitated and let go of the socket. "Do you mean like a light fitting when the plastic deteriorates?" Skratch nodded. They both began to retreat as they heard sizzling and buzzing. "I think it's best to put some distance between us and the box." The Wabbit recalled the time when he'd mixed filler the wrong way round. It got so hot he'd thrown it over a wall and cowered in terror from the blast. The Wabbit screwed up his nose and shrugged. But they were too late. The fitting exploded in a shower of acrid black particles. They coughed and spluttered and wheezed and ran. They were both covered in black and smelled to high heaven. "How do we explain this to Lapinette?" murmured the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Quiet Street

The Wabbit and Skratch the Cat were taking a small vacation in Dublin, just to see old haunts. They ambled along Raglan Road. The Wabbit hummed the tune and Skratch meaowed along. But when the Wabbit got to the end of the first verse, "Let grief be a fallen leaf at the dawning of the day," Skratch exclaimed, "Too melancholy Wabbit. Do you know anything brighter?" The Wabbit laughed and warbled. "There's whiskey in the jar!" He did a jig and they both kicked leaves as they rounded the corner. "What's this?" exclaimed the Wabbit. They could hardly ignore the box. The Wabbit examined it. "It's from China." Skratch snickered. "Everything is!" They looked it up and down. "What shall we do? We can't just leave it here." Skratch had been a cat burglar in his time, so he smiled. "Technically, it's thrown away, so it belongs to the finder." The Wabbit wasn't so sure. "Maybe it fell off the back of a lorry." "Same thing," murmured Skratch. The Wabbit poked the top. "Might be an explosive device." Skratch kicked it for a few metres. Packing materials fell out. Nothing else. "Nope," he purred. "No device. But as it happens, I could use a box." He plucked it from the ground with a paw. They made their way to Pembroke Road. "Quick one at Searsons?" asked Skratch. "Drop of the Cratur," replied the Wabbit. He thought about their schedule. All the details had been left to Skratch. "How are we getting home?" Skratch meaowed. "Susan the Biplane from Newcastle Aerodrome, 4pm." "Time for two drops then," laughed the Wabbit. "And a slap-up lunch," purred Skratch.

[Raglan Road. Songwriters: Sean Taylor/Patrick Kavanagh. Lyrics © Straitjacket Songs Ltd., Sgo Music Publishing Ltd.]

The Wabbit Heads for the Adventure Caffè

The team made its way to the Caffè at the Museum of Modern Art. But there were so many interesting exhibits that it was mistaken for one. "Hang on there!" said a voice. "I'd like a photograph." The Wabbit chuckled and so did everyone else. Then they all deliberately looked in different directions. "That's so chic," said a female voice. "How do they do it?" said another. "Animatronics," said the first voice. The team gave sickly smiles and went on. "Give me a kiss," said the Wabbit. "Certainly not," answered Skratch. "Save these kisses for me," quipped Lapinette. "Oh, I feel left out," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit puckered his lips and looked at Wabsworth. Wabsworth corrected himself and changed the subject. "So Skratch. What was that for a sort of adventure?" Skratch drew himself up to his full height. "As we can see here, seeing comes before words. The Adventure was a way of seeing. Carnivals involve both sight and sound but seeing comes first." Lapinette was quick to respond. "That was John Berger." Wabsworth was not to be left out. "And also Walter Benjamin. Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction." The Wabbit nodded sagely. "The image also proposes reciprocity. The photographers saw us. We saw the photographers." Lapinette had been mulling everything over. "The Amusement Park places the subject in a system of lights - at night." Skratch became wistful and meoawed. "Unremarkable during the day." Lapinette frisked along. "We're remarkable all the time." The Wabbit considered that. "More remarkable if we have a Prosecco. Where's that Caffè?" Lapinette jumped in the air. "Where we came in!"

6. The Wabbit and Susan's Flight

Lapinette and the Wabbit fled for the Plane. Wabsworth and Skratch were close behind. Susan the Biplane took off smartly - a little too smartly. "Go around Susan," said the Wabbit. He smiled "We can't leave them here." Wabsworth and Skratch climbed the Ferris Wheel and just when they were level they jumped. Skratch made an issue of it and plummeted toward Susan. He landed heavily on the fuselage. Susan groaned. "You need to lose weight, Skratch." His purr could be heard above the noise of the engine. "That's just for show, Susan." Wabsworth grinned, clung onto the struts and said nothing. He was an android and just too cool for boasting. Lapinette circled above the fairground. She could make out the outline of a Roman Circus. "Want to go back down and explore?" The Wabbit snickered with his 28 teeth. "I've been to the circus before." Up ahead they could see the faint outline of Eur. "That's impressive enough for me," said Wabsworth. "Wanna go to Luneur Park?" said the Wabbit. His sarcasm wasn't lost on Lapinette. "You sure know how to show a bunny a good time." Susan changed direction. "We're going to Shangri-La." Lapinette laughed. "A quiet and shady oasis in palatial surroundings." Skratch was nonchalant. "It also does a mean Prosecco." "And lovely cocktails," added Lapinette. "What are we waiting for?" said the Wabbit. "Waiting for traffic to clear on Via Cristoforo Colombo!" said Susan. "Don't give it any latitude," quipped the Wabbit.

[Ferris wheel by leonhard niederwimmer Pixabay]

5. The Wabbit and Two Thousand Turns

The carousel didn't stay stopped. There was a sudden jolt, and they were stuck to the wall of death. Two skeletons watched and laughed as the Ferris wheel whirled. Or was it a roulette wheel? It looked like a Ferris wheel, but it had numbers. Skratch had joined them from somewhere, but no-one knew how. "How did you get stuck here Skratch?" called the Wabbit. "I was just loping along, minding my own business," said Skratch. "Then I was here." Lapinette's lips were enormous with astonishment. "I know. It's our two thousandth anniversary!" The wall span without mercy, faster and faster. Wabsworth knew exactly what was going on. "Two thousand episodes!" The Wabbit grimaced. "And here we are in danger again." They stuck to the wall like swords in rusty scabbards. "That's what we do," said Lapinette. "But why the skeletons?" demanded Skratch. The skeletons giggled and laughed again. "We're the skeletons in the cupboard," shouted one. "I always wanted one," said Lapinette, "but two is too many." The skeletons roared. "We were two thousand skeletons. But that's too many for a picture." The Wabbit tried to drag himself from the wall. "If the wall was wet, we'd just slide down." "A bit like your bad jokes," chuckled Wabsworth. "Eat the Peach," meaowed Skratch. They looked at him in confusion. "It's an Irish film about a Wall of Death." Wabsworth laughed. He'd consulted his film archives. "To finance it they smuggled pigs, videos and booze across the border." The second he explained, the skeletons vanished ... and the wall slowed to a stop.

4. The Wabbit and the Fun of the Fair

Wabsworth beckoned the Wabbit and Lapinette through the entrance way, but on entering they were caught in an amazing whorl of coloured lights. A carousel tossed Lapinette  high in the air. The Wabbit was swept around at ground level. Wabsworth flew up on beam of light and his eyes changed colour. "Whoah," said the Wabbit, "Who switched the lights on?" Lapinette mouthed "Wheeee!" but she had no control of her voice. "Welcome to the Amusement Park," shouted Wabsworth. His glasses changed colour from blue to red - and back again. The Wabbit span one revolution then, still spinning, changed direction. But it gave him time to think. Lapinette would, under no circumstance, ever shout "Wheeee!" He also knew that Wabsworth didn't have a great sense of humour. The Wabbit figured they were in the grip of carnival magic, mobilised by an entity of some kind. He thought hard. He was low down and possibly his feet were out of range. He found he could control them. So placed them firmly on the ground and pressed. Gradually the carousel slowed a bit at a time. Every time he made a revolution, the Wabbit slowed it down a bit more. Lapinette dropped until she reached the floor. Wabsworth's eyes became normal. Finally, the carousel ground to a halt. Lapinette was more than dizzy and she staggered in a drunken fashion. "Tell me I didn't shout 'Wheeee.'" The Wabbit shrugged and smiled "We've all got our problems." Wabsworth lurched from side to side. "That nearly fried my circuits!" "How's does your eyesight check out?" asked the Wabbit. "Don't it make my brown eyes blue?" sang Wabsworth.

[Background image: Frank Winkler, Pixabay]

3. The Wabbit and the Chequered Door

Susan the Biplane made an approximate landing and the Wabbit and Lapinette lurched out. A skeleton lay across the doorway. "Its bones have bleached in the sun," murmured the Wabbit. "Look!" said Lapinette. A familiar figure sauntered from the doorway. "Wabsworth!" yelled the Wabbit. "What are you doing in these parts?" said Lapinette. "How did you get here?" asked the Wabbit. Wabsworth stopped and spread his paws wide. "I was just doing a small experiment in our shed - and there was a sudden flash." The Wabbit gave a snort. "Any models involved?" Wabsworth was an android and not given to much emotion. But on this occasion he tapped into his 'surprised' algorithm. "As it happens, yes - there were models involved. Kendall Jenner came round for a cup of tea." He laughed in a silly way. The Wabbit and Lapinette figured the event had gone to Wabsworth's head. Lapinette placed her paws on her hips. "What about the skelingtron?" she asked. "I've no idea, he doesn't say much." The Wabbit jumped forward, reached behind Wabsworth and pressed a button that Wabsworth kept very secret. He shook his android head. Even a partial reset was hard on his system. "Where the binky am I?" He looked down and saw the skeleton. "Ah! I do recall," he said. He looked at the Wabbit. "He's from the ghost train." Lapinette jumped up and down. "So what's inside that building?" Wabsworth gave a snort. "An Amusement Park."

2. The Wabbit in the Model City

The Wabbit and Lapinette looked in awe. Lapinette scrambled onto a wing tip and looked down. The Wabbit shuddered. "I wish you wouldn't do that." Lapinette wrapped her legs round the struts. "Perfectly safe," she said. Susan the Biplane sniggered and looped around. "Whoah," said the Wabbit. He was reminded he hadn't had much for breakfast. "I see skelingtrons," said Lapinette. The Wabbit ignored Lapinette's mispronunciation because, sure enough, a couple of skeletons were lying face down at what looked like entrances to a strange building. "This looks like a model," observed Lapinette. "Big for a model," said the Wabbit. "Maybe it's a full-size model," chuckled Susan. The Wabbit mulled that over. "Can you have a full-size model?" The Wabbit craned her neck around to see more. "Yes, you can if it's made of a different material. The Wabbit shook his head. "Look for a place to land, Susan." Susan checked it out. "There's a place where I can land but I might roll over that skeleton." "He won't mind," said the Wabbit. Lapinette scrambled back into the cockpit. "We've had to deal with skelingtrons before, remember?" The Wabbit gently guided Susan in. "I was expecting an uneventful trip." Lapinette hummed a tune. "You wouldn't like it."  Susan dipped her wings. "He never likes anything, does he?" Lapinette nodded her head in agreement. "Except Prosecco and a salad sandwich."

1. The Wabbit and the Wingtip Stunt

The Wabbit and Susan the Biplane flew in over Eur and picked up Lapinette. It had all been arranged in advance. Susan swept down between apartment blocks in a highly illegal manoeuvre and Lapinette jumped from a balcony onto a wing. Susan laughed. "Welcome aboard, Marquesa!" Lapinette grasped a strut and scrambled towards the Wabbit. It was always windy at Eur, and it was touch and go. But Lapinette was delighted with herself and she smiled a broad smile. "Call me Madame la Dangereuse." The Wabbit threw his head back and laughed. "La belle dame sans merci!" He looked around to check for police helicopters. The skies were empty. Relieved the stunt was a success, he shook his head and set a course for downtown. "Steady as she goes Susan." Susan was appalled. "I'm not a sailing ship, Commander." The Wabbit smiled as they wheeled above Eur. "Why is it called Eur, plenty of euro here do you think?" Lapinette was quick to reply. "It's an acronym. Esposizione Universale Roma." Susan hung on a wingtip. "It looks like an exhibition all right." Lapinette was about to give a lecture on fascist and post fascist architecture but the Wabbit cut her short. "It's Italian rationalism - but that's really only a simplified neo-classicism." Lapinette hooted. "Wikipedia?" "No, I read it in a book," said the Wabbit. They flew over the Museum of Roman Civilisation. "Any sign of a bar?" Susan ignored him. "What's that over there?" Lapinette gasped. The Wabbit stared. "You don't see that every day..." 

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team gathered in the porticos. Skratch was late as usual and prowled stolidly from the back. Wabsworth paused and looked on. The Wabbit had become established in the corner. Lapinette leaped out with a loving cry. "Monsieur Wabbit!" The Wabbit grinned a lopsided grin. "Zut alors, Lapinette" Wabsworth had a few words of French which he took from his universal translator. "Cou cou Lapinette. Tu es splendide aujourd'hui." Skratch was in full cat mode. "Je suis à bout de souffle," he purred. Lapinette turned and smiled. "Welcome Skratch. What was that for a sort of Adventure?" But it was Wabsworth who answered. "A repetition of subject object configurations - as perpetual becoming!" Skratch clapped but held up a paw. "Yes and the story gave freedom to a main character, the Raven. As did Edgar Allen Poe and Roger Corman." Lapinette nodded. "Perhaps our Raven was really a transformed Wizard." The Wabbit agreed. "Our Raven was a milder character than usual, but he concealed something. I've no doubt we'll find out more in due course." Skratch leaned back. "Like Goddard, you treat mainstream as a conceptual property store to be looted at will." Lapinette grinned broadly. "Perhaps the Wabbit also employs derive or detournement." The Wabbit fell about with laughter. "I'd say we did that a lot - as a deliberate policy. And we refuse to be bound by any rules." Wabsworth was most amused. He waved both paws. "Is there any rule about Prosecco?" Lapinette hooted. "Buy as much as you can."

[I'm indebted to Peter Wollen for his 2002 essay on Godard, republished by Verso.]

5. The Wabbit and the Raven's Window

The Wabbit and Lapinette were at the bottom of the stairs. "Look up," said a voice. There was the Raven, wings outstretched. He was lodged in the window glass and he hung there happily. "I hope you enjoyed your stairway tour," he cackled. Lapinette smiled. "It was you all along?" The Raven shook his head. "No, no, no. Every tour is different. I am like all birds - merely the carrier of messages. What happens to you is entirely yours to discover and interpret." The Wabbit didn't grumble. "Is there a charge for the tour?" The Raven gave small series of sounds indicating approval. "Nothing fixed. Perhaps you could delve in your fur and see if you a have a pair of internal circlip openers." The Wabbit had a rummage. "They're in my workshop. I'll pick you up a pair at the Dora Market on Sunday." The Raven snickered. "Just leave them by the stairs." Lapinette knew that ravens had a reputation for building things. "I know where I can get a whole set." The Raven nodded again, grinned a kind of a grin. "Be seeing you!" Then he melted into the glass. The Wabbit narrowed his eyes. "Did all that really happen? he asked. Lapinette thought for a moment. "It's a coded message and I think I know what it means." The Wabbit's ears twitched. Lapinette waved her paws. "Always always take the lift."

4. The Wabbit and the Stairwell Plunge

When it happened, it happened quickly. The found themselves pushed over the balustrades by a massive force. They turned head over heels - and tumbled from the rails. The Raven flew after them. He grew to extraordinary proportions and spread his wings to stabilise their fall. "Hold on, I'll get you," he shouted. But the Wabbit and Lapinette had nothing to hold on to. Caught in an invisible force, they were buffeted back and forward. Then everything froze. The Raven too was caught in the jowls of whatever it was. He tried to move his wings but they were stuck fast. "This is unusual," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was upside down and she looked around. "Wabbit, it doesn't matter what way we look, it's all the same."  The Wabbit would have nodded but couldn't. "It's an optical confusion." Lapinette corrected him. "An optical illusion." "Same difference," said the Wabbit. He tried to shrug but it was impossible. Then Lapinette began to intone a verse in a voice as deep as a thousand oceans. "Music of sombre motion. Break the spell's Power and bid the spirit fly, who has come near to dwell with us." They were suddenly free of whatever held them - but they were still falling. The Wabbit grimaced. "I didn't know you could do spells." Lapinette stuck out her paws. "Worth a try." The Wabbit stuck out his paws too. "Abracawabra!" Much to his surprise they stopped falling and drifted towards the stairs. He laughed. "You've got it or you ain't." The Raven fluttered down too. "I thought I'd wing it!" He chuckled. But Lapinette put her paws on her hips and snorted. "Everyone thinks they're very funny." 

3. The Wabbit and Beelzebub Cometh

"Ah there he is," said the Raven, "Coming from downstairs exactly as I said." The ghostly apparition moved stolidly forward. "I am Beelzebub!" he said. He took a step forward. "I am Beelzebub." he repeated. "I am cometh. For I am Beelzebub." The Wabbit paused on the stairs. "He reminds me of someone." The Raven had seen him before. "Pass foul fiend, pass." Beelzebub moved forward at a steady pace. He rounded the corner of the stairs and advanced on the Wabbit and Lapinette, one step at a time. And all the while he intoned. "I am Beelzebub, I am cometh." Lapinette's paw gripped the bannister. The Wabbit's held out a steadying paw to Lapinette. Maybe it was for his own safety. He gritted his teeth. Beelzebub faded and passed through the Wabbit as if he were nothing. The Wabbit felt icy cold and then all was gone. Left behind was an acrid sulphurous smell. The Raven chattered and croaked and that was spooky enough. "I told you. The stairs are spooky." The Wabbit turned to Lapinette. "Did you feel that?" Lapinette shivered. "I did." The Wabbit took a step forward. "May as well go on down. Is that all there is?" The Raven cackled. "Not at all. There's much worse to come." "Can you call these spirits from the vastly deep?" asked the Wabbit. "Anyone can," said the Raven. "Can you make dreadful discords too," asked Lapinette. "Aye and chattering pies," said the Raven. The Wabbit's stomach rumbled. "I knew I could smell food," he said.

2. The Wabbit and the Spooky Stairs

"This is the stairway," said the Raven. "I'd never have known," said the Wabbit. "Look! There's a spook now," said the Raven. The Wabbit shook his head and pointed. "That's Lapinette. I know she can be scary. But she's no ghost." Lapinette floated down in an ethereal kind of way. "Wabbit, I wanted to be sure you weren't getting into any kind of trouble." The Wabbit grinned. "Everyone wants to look after me." The Raven addressed Lapinette. "You look like a funny kind of rabbit. You're sure you're not a spook?" "Some say," responded Lapinette. "I warned the Wabbit not to use these stairs. They're haunted," said the Raven. "Just like in books?" replied Lapinette. "A Raven is like a writing desk," ventured the Wabbit. "Now don't you start," said the Raven, "I've had all I can take of writing desks." The Wabbit looked up above. "Shouldn't we check upstairs?" The Raven snorted. "Of course not. Ghosts are seldom if ever upstairs. they're usually downstairs with the unconscious." Lapinette joined the Wabbit on the landing. "But isn't the object to get downstairs without meeting any ghosts?" "You're as bad as he is," muttered the Raven. He made a series of gurgling croaks. "Please lead the way down the staircase and keep an eye open for spectres." At that moment they heard a haunting cry. It lasted long and sounded chilling. "I'm up for it if you are, Wabbit," said Lapinette. "So many horrid ghosts," shrugged the Wabbit. "How dare they?" said Lapinette. "Words spoken cannot be recalled," croaked the Raven," so think twice before you speak." 

1. The Wabbit and the Raven's Warning

The Wabbit was back in Turin inspecting the works on the Department of Wabbit Affairs. He was not altogether pleased, but then again, nothing much pleased the Wabbit. He wandered through the building looking it up and down. The Interior Designers had their messy paws in everything he noticed, but altogether it wasn't that bad. He'd reached the top of the building and was going to sneak down the emergency stairs when he saw a strange display. "Oh really," he said, "they've gone too far this time." He stared for a bit because the figure looked familiar. He'd seen a raven just like it at the old castle. "Beware!" said the Raven. "Beware of the stairs!" The Wabbit often received beware messages and he generally took no notice. He gave the Raven an old-fashioned look. "What's wrong with the stairs. Are they a bit rickety?" The Raven lifted its hooked beak and spoke in a quavering voice "They're not rickety, they're ghostly stairs and you'll be doomed, doomed I tell you." The Wabbit looked all round and squinted into the distance. The stairs looked perfectly normal. "It's the quickest way out," he said. He noticed no-one else was using them and he wrinkled his nose. "I'll just go and have a look." The Raven swallowed hard. "I'd better come with you. In case you get into any trouble." The Wabbit laughed. "Trouble is my middle name." The Raven wanted to know whether the Wabbit had any other names. "Double," said the Wabbit, "Let's go." Then together, they went to the staircase ...