The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at a Caffè of their choosing. It was in Via Vittorio Emanuele and was set out for lunch. "Let's have lunch then," said the Wabbit. "Why not?" said Lapinette. "Don't mind if I do," said Wabsworth. Wabsworth was an android copy of the Wabbit and had developed a food subroutine. He was especially fond of Spaghetti alle Vongole and the Wabbit liked to watch him eat it. Skratch was late as usual, and he slid in at the top table. "Whoa!" he said as a cyclist sped by. Lapinette laughed. "Ah Skratch, would you care for reheated substandard food delivered to your door?" Skratch shook his head vigorously. "I'd rather tell you what kind of adventure you just had." Wabsworth gurgled. "Don't you always?" Skratch ignored this and launched into his spiel. "It was a fantasy adventure where cartoons became living things." The Wabbit grinned. "Don't we always do that?" Skratch shook his head. "I mean very flat ones." The Wabbit nodded his head. "It was esoteric symbolism." Lapinette was sceptical. "I felt it was hyper anthropomorphism." Skratch was inclined to agree with the Wabbit. "A body part stood in for the whole animal with the attendant symbolism of teeth as a transformative object." Lapinette nodded. "We got our teeth into the concept of specified genre." The Wabbit was delighted. "Let's order! Wabsworth's having Spaghetti alle Vongole." Wabsworth wasn't happy. "I was going to have a change." Lapinette spoke soothingly. "You can have anything you want." Wabsworth beamed. "I want Spaghetti cacio e pepe con le cozze." The Wabbit rapped the table. "Make that four!"

6. The Wabbit and the Ghostly Pyramid

Ghost Bunny was primed, ready and waiting as Lapinette and the Wabbit took the tooth to the pyramid on the hill on the pretext of an outing. The sky grew dark as storm clouds gathered. Waves crashed on a distant beach. It was the spookiest place they know. The tooth grew wary. "What is this dark place?" Lapinette took no notice. "A nice place for a picnic!" The Wabbit was jocular. "We always come here for a nice time." He looked around and then raised a paw. Slowly Ghost Bunny emerged from behind the pyramid and rose in a veil of smoke. She grew enormous. And then she spoke. "Tooth, tooth!" The tooth was rigid. "Tooth, you must give up your ways or I will haunt, haunt, haunt you." The tooth took a step back. He was no longer the happy, laughing tooth the Wabbit had met. "What ways?" His voice trembled. Ghost Bunny's eyes followed him. "Your sweets for your sweet, sweet ways. Give up sugar. No honey for your honey!" The Wabbit narrowed his eyes. "That's a song, isn't it?" "Shhhh!" said Lapinette. The tooth turned and ran down the steps, but he tripped and fell headlong in the grass. "I'll give it all up for you," he cried. "That's a song too," said the Wabbit. Lapinette felt sorry for the tooth, and she went to help him up. She made a sign to Ghost Bunny, who then disappeared behind the pyramid. "I don't think I want anything sweet anymore," gasped the tooth. Lapinette smiled and lifted him. "You're sweet enough as you are." The Wabbit clapped his paws and grinned. "Our work is done." Ghost Bunny's voice boomed from behind the pyramid. "That'll cost you a bespook dinner..."

5. The Wabbit and the Eagle's Suggestion

The Wabbit and Lapinette conferred once more. They were running out of options for the tooth with the addictive personality. It was Lapinette who suggested the Eagle caretaker at the Big Cemetery - and together they set off to find him. The Eagle hovered above. "I do have a statue with a chipped tooth. She's over here." And there she was. She stepped from her plinth to speak to the tooth. But no matter what size he made himself, nor how he offered himself up, he just wouldn't fit inside the delicate head. The Wabbit was nonplussed, because he'd had high hopes for the placement. The statue spoke in a soothing voice. "You need to address your addiction problem for yourself, young tooth." Then she popped back on to her plinth and froze in her original position. "Thanks Eagle," said Lapinette, "it was worth a try. They stood around for a while, trying to think of a solution. The Eagle spoke. "Have you tried Ghost Bunny?" he asked. The Wabbit and Lapinette were amazed. "You know Ghost Bunny?" The Eagle laughed. "Of course. She often haunts around here - after calling in at the Coffee Museum for an espresso." The Wabbit was astonished. "There are more things in heaven and earth," he muttered. The Eagle nodded gravely. "As a stranger I gave her welcome. We spook around the catacombs just for a laugh." He made a series of high-pitched piping notes that resembled a chuckle. Lapinette asked, "What's your suggestion?" The Eagle pulled Lapinette aside and whistled a whisper. "Fright treatment." Lapinette grinned. "Fright or flight. It might just work."

4. Wabsworth and Hypnotic Suggestion

The Wabbit suggested to the tooth that he had to go to rehab. The tooth was aghast. "I don't want to go to Rehab," he yelled. "No, no, no!" The Wabbit and Lapinette went into discussion and they recalled Wabsworth's hypnotism subroutine.  Wabsworth was an android and good at many things. "I've seen him do it," said the Wabbit. "It really works." Lapinette was sceptical. "Who did he try it on?" "On me," replied the Wabbit. "He suggested I ran a restaurant at the Palazzo Madama and I went in there and sold salad sandwiches." Lapinette waited. "I don't remember much about it," continued the Wabbit, "but I made some money." Lapinette paused, shook her head and then agreed. "Nothing to lose." The Wabbit summoned Wabsworth and Lapinette supplied the couch. Then the Wabbit addressed the tooth. "Look how nice this is!" he said. "Your sugar addiction will be gone in no time." The tooth lay on the couch and smiled. "I love sugar. I can't get enough." Wabsworth strode into the room. "Look into my eyes, look into my eyes," he said. Lightning bolts shot from his paws. The eyes on the tooth bulged out. He smiled in a listless fashion. "You hate sugar," said Wabsworth, "Now say it after me. I hate sugar." The tooth lolled. "I hate sugar," he gasped. Wabsworth went on. "How much do you hate sugar?" The eyes on the tooth bulged again. "I loathe sugar." Wabsworth stepped back and snapped his fingers. "You're cured," he said. He offered the tooth a sugar lump but the tooth shook his head and declined. The tooth lay back. "Got any honey?" The Wabbit and Lapinette looked at each other. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "That'll give him a buzz."

3. The Wabbit and the Sweet Tooth

The Wabbit's tummy rumbled. He was hungry and he just had to stop for food. Lapinette warned him. "You'll feel sick after. You always do." The Wabbit knew this, but he ignored the warning and advanced on the slot machines with coin in paw. "What to have? What to have?" murmured the Wabbit. The afternoon was advanced and now a little darker. The Wabbit liked the light from the slot machines and he angled himself to make the best use of it. All the same, he had that same feeling he was being followed. Lapinette looked back. "Wabbit!" Emerging from her case was a tooth - and it got bigger. It bounced towards the Wabbit. Lapinette thought she heard it say, "Sugar!" The tooth stuck out a rudimentary hand. "Want sugar!" It looked at the rows of chocolate bars. "Want sugar now!" It was only then that the Wabbit turned. He'd bought a packet of chocolate buttons and he grasped them back and away from the tooth. But the moment the tooth wanted them it was struck with a bolt of electricity. "Aaaagh," he shouted. "Headache, headache, headache!" Now it was all clear to the Wabbit. "You're Mentaldent!" Lapinette wasn't impressed. "Don't tell me you know this fellow?" The Wabbit stared at the tooth. "He's from an advertising poster in Via Sacchi." The tooth held two hands to his head and hopped back inside the case. "How did he get into my luggage?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit shrugged. "He's been following me." A voice came from the case. "Headache gone." There was a pause, then, "Need sugar." The Wabbit knew what was happening. "He has an addiction." Lapinette sighed. "One day at a time sweet Jesus."

2. The Wabbit and the Platform Party

Lapinette sped along the platform and onto the concourse with never a care in the world. The Wabbit stood on the platform with her suitcases. The train was long gone and he had been late. He tested the suitcases. Lapinette called back. "One of them is a trundly trolley, you should manage that one." He grinned and started to make his way along the platform. At the same time, he could feel a presence and he turned round. Nothing there. He looked around the suitcases. Nothing. He wished he had Wabsworth there to help him. Then he heard a noise. It was just like a tooth grinding. He ground his own 28 teeth. Maybe one was broken - but there was nothing amiss there. He felt the case get heavier. He pulled it.  It was definitely not the case he's started with. "Come on Wabbit!" yelled Lapinette, "Nothing to see here!" But he heard a chattering from inside the larger case. It was coming from one of these carbon fibre jobs with all sorts of zips and fastenings and covered with stickers. The Wabbit assumed there was something metal inside. Some special lock or other. He knew Lapinette liked her gadgets - and so it must be one. "Did you bring a chattering thing?" he shouted. "Just you!" came the reply. Lapinette's voice was fainter and he noticed she'd stopped at the bag shop. "Another bag?" suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette turned. "I could use another rucksack." The Wabbit loped along with the luggage in tow and caught up with her at the shop. "Get one for me," he smiled, "I could use another bag too."

1. The Wabbit and the Mentaldent Advert

The Wabbit was meeting Lapinette at the station but he had time to spare. So he hopped along Via Sacchi in the sun, looking at the adverts. He'd nearly reached Via Legnano when he noticed a strange advert. He studied it for a while. He mused to himself. "What on earth is Mentaldent?" The figure in the advert had a tooth for a head and looked in pain. "Perhaps it's a new toothpaste?" thought the Wabbit. He shook his head and continued along the road. Trams whooshed past. He passed a clock. It was 11.00  and Lapinette's train arrived at 11.15. So he turned back. But he noticed the advert again and the tooth was missing. Only the body remained. This perplexed him. "Something funny is going on," he thought. He was now a little late, so he began to hop faster. Porta Nuova station came in sight and as he rounded the corner he noticed a movement behind him. He turned. There was nothing there, so he shrugged and continued. The railway notice board said the train was a bit late so he perambulated round the station. Porta Nuova's architecture was rather nice and he spent some time looking at the frescoes. Yet he continued to feel uncomfortable. He was certain he was being followed. But he heard Lapinette's train being announced and made his way to Platform 8 - where Lapinette stood, bearing a mass of luggage. He cursed silently. "Where were you?" she asked. Her voice suggested she was slightly annoyed. "Something's following me," explained the Wabbit. He groaned with effort as he picked up her cases. "Then whoever it is may be strong enough to assist," grinned Lapinette.

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

They gathered at a Caffè in New Testaccio Market. It had a new arrangement of plastic tents and there they sheltered from the chill wind coming from the Tiber. Skratch was late as usual. "May I have that seat over there?" "I don't think there is one," observed Lapinette, "Why don't you get one from another table?" Skratch didn't move. "I think I'll answer the question first." They all knew what that meant - so they waited. "It was unusual." Everyone gasped. Skratch continued. "Because it celebrates it's very own anniversary and thus becomes truly reflexive." Lapinette became serious. "Yes. Otherwise it would have confined itself to being chosen for an anniversary and confined to a literary space familiar to readers." Wabsworth stiffened. "Yes. The best of the flatlands." The Wabbit continued. "Anchored in the here and now of phenomena. We have to free our text from the exemplification of a set of codes and allow it to be addressed in its particularity." Skratch looked on in wonder. "Wow," he said. "You must have been reading Stephen Heath." The Wabbit tapped the table. "Stephen Heath is probably the king of analysis" Wabsworth wasn't impressed. "Our stories are difficult to analyse because they're so easy to understand." Lapinette knew a Metz quote when she heard it and she said so. "Metz might have said we're dead for having been seen." The Wabbit laughed and called for the waiter. "Dead for being seen without a drink!"

12. The Wabbit and the Poetry of Excess.

The Wabbit watched as the dust settled. His lips curled into a smirk. Agents of Rabit reeled around as if drunk. His thoughts turned to Christmas again. This happened every year - as if to a timetable. He didn't think Agents had much Christmas spirit, but all the same he thought, you never know. A door crashed down from the sky. "Shouldn't have used so much explosive," thought the Wabbit. But it crossed his mind that excess leads to the palace of wisdom. "You never know what's enough," thought the Wabbit, "until you know what's more than enough." He liked the sound of that. "Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by incapacity," he quoted. He grinned. The Wabbit would have kept quoting but the Agents had to be dealt with. He hopped over them. "Why do you do what you do?" But the Agents were groggy. "Blah, bloo blah," was all he heard. "You're not going to win this year's poetry competition," he remarked. He thought of Skratch. "On the other paw, maybe that will do it!" He chortled mightily and took a stroll along the beach. When he returned all the Agents had gone. "Must have been the poetry," he said. He was pleased he didn't have to do anything with them. "I'm fed up with judgement," he said out loud. "The last judgement comes very day," he added, "Who said that?" "Camus," answered a voice. The Wabbit turned and looked around but there was no-one there. There was nothing but empty beach huts. So he shrugged and made for the Adventure Caffè.

11. The Wabbit flushes them Out

The Wabbit went in alone. He was in charge, so that was his job, He planned to lob a minor kaboom and arrest all the Agents when he'd flushed them from their den. Out at sea, the Lepus approached as close as she could. Under her watchful eye, The Wabbit began his work. He rolled the first grenade into a hole in the wall and then stood by with the second one. "With any luck," thought the Wabbit, "I won't need it." He stood back and mused quietly on the situation. It was like this every year and so he wondered why the Agents bothered. He thought back a decade. Agents had chased the Wabbit across Rome, and he was forced to blow up a minor historic monument. It had cost the Department a tidy sum. He smiled and listened to the grenade sputter. It wasn't terribly powerful. Just sound and fury. What did that signify? He couldn't recall. He watched the first grenade sputter and die. So he gave up and threw the other one. Then he got out of the way very quickly. He dived in the sand and burrowed down. The sound intensified and there was the most incredible crack. Then nothing. The doors of the beach hut fell outwards. What windows there were, blasted into glass fragments. "I didn't mean to use that one," thought the Wabbit. He approached the hut. He heard a cough. Another. A series of dishevelled Agents began to emerge. 

10. The Wabbit and the Craft Shadows

The Wabbit conferred with the team. They were under the Testaccio Market roof and the sun made sharp shadows on the concrete. They'd only been talking a moment when the outlines of three craft blocked out the sun. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. Skratch looked up and shook his fist but he couldn't see the craft clearly. Tipsy launched forward with an automatic but there was nothing to shoot. Lapinette was puzzled too. "Something fishy about this," murmured the Wabbit, "The Ice Mice are far more formidable" added Wabsworth. "It's not them. Nothing shows it's them" said Lapinette. The Wabbit thought for a moment. "They've run out of hardware. These are projections." Wabsworth gave a considered opinion. "Looks like the Agents of Rabit, Commander." Tipsy waved her automatic. "William Shootpoo Shatner!" she shouted and fired a burst from the gun anyway. The bullets ricocheted and smashed through the glass roof. The shadows vanished. "Aha!" said the Wabbit. "Aha what?" replied Lapinette. "Ahabracadabra, it's a trick," said the Wabbit. "So it is the Agents of Rabit. What do we do about it?" Lapinette was hopping mad and she jumped up and down. So was Tipsy. "Tripsing shifters!" she yelled. Wabsworth's circuits whirred. "Let's go back to where we last had an incursion. They're bound to have left a clue." "Wablock Holmes?" grinned the Wabbit. Wabsworth smiled "Holmesworth if you don't mind." The Wabbit laughed and laughed, "What's my detective name?" "Wabsy Chan" said Lapinette.

9. Tipsy, Fitzy, Mitzy and the Roman Play

The Three Fates swept onto the stage and swayed like the Ronettes, "You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things," chanted Tipsy. "You cruel men of Rome, know ye not the Wabbit?" sang Fitzy. "Do you now put on your best attire, and do you now cull out a holiday?" sang Mitzy. "And do you now strew flowers in his way?" Tipsy's sarcasm completed the picture. They paused. "And where is the Wabbit now?" asked Fitzy. "Suffering the slings and arrows of the Ice Mice," said Mitzy. "Which is no more than his way," added Fitzy. They looked around from right to left. "What is this place? asked Mitzy, "Its look is most familiar?" They walked from one side to another and looked everyone up and down. "Interlopers!" said Tipsy. "Vagabonds," said Fitzy. "Mountebanks," said Mitzy, Tipsy pirouetted. Where was Julius Caesar they wondered? He lay prone on the ground. "They claim to make a television miniseries." Fitzy laughed. "Not about the Wabbit." Mitzy scowled. "He hates that sort of thing." "For good reason," added Tipsy, "With daggers drawn, they fill their coffers with the blood of the poor." Mitzy jumped in the air. "The Wabbit says that men are nearly always willing to believe what they wish." They swayed. "And they always will," said a mournful Tipsy. Together they danced across the stage. "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would never look," chanted Fitzy. "Then we must tell the Wabbit," replied Tipsy. "And bid him a happy New Year," said Mitzy. Tipsy looked grave. "Not before it's here." They all nodded - and one by one they vanished, leaving only a TV crew and fake snow.

8. The Lepus and the Alien Crafts

The sound of explosions echoed across the waves as Jenny fired on the Ice Mice. The Lepus had just reached the coast near Fregene when the Ice Mice came out of the sky. They circled around and hurled disc after disk. Most bounced harmlessly from the Lepus but one or two sliced at her masts. "Come about!" said Jenny. "Take aim and fire," The giant 4.5-inch gun on her bow spat flame and an Ice Mouse craft fell from the sky. She lifted her radio and contacted the Wabbit. "I have trouble, Commander."  The radio crackled. "I think my trouble just became your trouble." Enemy fire trebled and multiple discs stung the bows of the Lepus. "They're a devilish nuisance but nothing we can't handle," shrugged Jenny. The Wabbit was stoic. "Probably they'll go away." "They don't give the impression they're going anywhere," said Jenny. All of a sudden disc fire died away. Then the remaining craft wheeled and vanished in the direction of Rome. The crashed vessel creaked like a galleon and sank in a sea of bubbles. "We sent one to Davy Jones', but I don't see any survivors," said Jenny. She cast around with binoculars. "No, nothing." The radio crackled once more. "I think these could be drones," said the Wabbit. "They're probably controlled by a mother craft." Jenny made a comment on mothers that set the Wabbits teeth one edge. "We'll meet you further up the coast," he advised. "But I know the Ice Mice. So I'm advising you to proceed with caution." Jenny laughed. "My caution's all used up. I threw it into the last wind."

7. The Wabbit and the Ice Mice Attack

It was all very sudden. The Ice Mice launched an attack on the Wabbit in the midst of the city and he began to run. Worse still, they fired a series of discs that cut through the air and grazed the Wabbit's fur. The Wabbit wasn't having a good Christmas Eve. Not by a long chalk. He should be sitting by a roaring fire, reading that book he'd bought on Satan in the cinema. He jinked right and left but still the discs kept coming. They were razor sharp and lightning quick. There was more than one Ice Mice craft and the Wabbit felt outnumbered. They hovered in the sky close to the Tiber and the Wabbit reckoned there were more. He rummaged in his fur, found his automatic and twisted round. He took brief aim and fired at the closest disc. It shattered. He let off another three shots and all of them found their mark. That'll teach you," mouthed the Wabbit. He heard the diesel throb of an approaching truck and knew it was Lapinette and her personal guard. Could he hold off the Ice Mice until they reached him? The smell of mice was overpowering as if they were using odour as a weapon. It was a rotten fish odour that would anaesthetise a bull. "Yuk, smelly mice," growled the Wabbit. Then he heard the crump of explosions. The craft wheeled and fled. "Reinforcements," thought the Wabbit. He tucked his automatic in his fur, together with some disk shards for analysis. Then he sat on a wall to wait for Lapinette. He thought of a saying. "Don't be a mouse or the cat will eat you." He needn't have wondered where Puma and Skratch were because they too were on their way. "I'll expect them for Christmas," thought the Wabbit.

6. Puma, Terni and the Ice Discs

Puma lurked in Rome, waiting to hear from the Wabbit. He settled in a tree, restless but watchful of the passing traffic. His ears pricked up and his tail threshed as ice discs loomed into sight. He knew of the Ice Mice and recalled giving them a good thrashing on a previous occasion. He launched into action. He jumped from the tree and pawed at the discs. An approaching Terni witnessed the whole thing and he called out a warning. "No Puma, don't touch them!" It was too late, Lightning crashed from the discs and stung Puma's paws. "Aaaagh," screeched Puma as he flew through the air. "Pesky Ice Mice!" Terni zoomed closer, his pepper nose throwing Tabasco enhanced flame. Terni was the Wabbit's pal and Puma recognised signs of anger. So he twisted away with speed. Terni let out another lengthy blast of fire and caught the edge of a disc. The disc flamed round the edges and began to melt, smelling strongly of bad bacteria. Puma veered back to the tree, crouched on a branch and looked on. A Food Dragon's breath was not to be treated lightly following a Wabbit modification. Terni swooped round and returned with an even bigger blast. Both discs were aflame now despite the ice. They melted and disappeared sizzling into the Tiber. Puma purred with continual satisfaction. Then he meaowed, "Terni, that was a good job." Terni flew close and hovered. "Jump on, Puma. I'll take you to the Wabbit." Puma sighed with relief. Although he felt it undignified for a wild cat to hitch a ride on a dragon, he wasn't passing up a lift. He stuck to Terni like a wildlife wig and they sped across Rome ...