4. Skratch and the Dodgy Remote Control

Skratch the Cat was out for a bit of a prowl, and he made his way along Corso Belgio to the Sassi Point. There he'd look for passing fish. To his surprise he noticed an Agent of Rabit on his own. They were always in pairs and never on their own, so he lurked on the bridge to see what transpired. Then he saw something on the parapet that looked like Wabsworth's electric shock machine. It was disguised as a car key remote control. You couldn't miss it. The Agent looked down. His paw reached out. Skratch considered courses of action. He could launch an all-out attack but that wasn't much fun. He could come up from the river like a sea monster and menace the Agent that way. He shook his head. He knew that Wabsworth never left anything anywhere - only by design. So he waited. The Agent poked the remote control. Nothing happened. He poked it again. Nothing. He lifted it. Not a great deal happened. He looked at it again, made a decision, and then tucked it away under his fur. Skratch knew it only operated when the button was pressed, so he decided to leave the whole matter in abeyance and report back. The Agent looked all round to see if anyone was watching. Skratch ducked out of sight behind the wall. Then the Agent started a tuneless whistle and walked back the way he came, "Nothing suspicious," he muttered, "nothing at all. I'll get back and we'll try it out. Maybe it will open an interesting car." Skratch watched him go. He looked as suspicious as someone who just bought a briefcase of forged banknotes. He tracked him until he came to a lair of some kind and made a careful note. Then Skratch bounded into the distance.

3. Lapinette and Practical Electronics

The Wabbit and Wabsworth tracked Lapinette down in the centre of the city. She was choosing a magazine and seemed engrossed. With a silly smirk Wabsworth crept up and tried to give her electric shock, but she moved away. The machine sizzled. The Wabbit gasped. It did nothing but fry thin air. but it made a crackling sound. "Wabsworth, don't you dare!" Without turning round, Lapinette selected her magazine. It was Practical Electronics for The Discerning Amateur. "I didn't think they still published that," said the Wabbit. Lapinette flicked it open. "What on earth are you two up to?" she asked. Wabsworth backed away. "Actually, we wanted to ask you about the ethics of electric shocks." Lapinette whirled round. "By trying it?" She grabbed Wabsworth's machine and tucked it away under her frock. "You're not to be trusted," she said, "You could do someone a mischief." The Wabbit was relieved. "Seriously Lapinette, what about ethics?" Lapinette smiled for the first time. "Practical ethics?"  The Wabbit nodded. They'd reached common ground. "Well, I'd give one to my enemies wired badly. Then if they tried it, they'd be up to their necks in sparks." Wabsworth smiled and held out his paw. Lapinette gave the machine back and he tucked it into his fur. "Let's find an enemy." The Wabbit laughed and laughed. Wabsworth was an android and didn't quite see things in the same way as the Wabbit. "We can't just conjure one up!" Wabsworth smiled a sickly smile. "Yes we can. There's one over there!" Without moving, the Wabbit's eyes flicked up to the top of the buildings. "Oh yes, I can see him. Do you have a plan?"

2. Wabsworth and the Ethics of Shocks

Wabsworth and the Wabbit caught up with Skratch at Porta Nuova Rail Station. With some stealth, Wabsworth crept up on Skratch, hailed him merrily and touched him. An electric shock coursed through Skratch's feline frame. The results were unexpected. Every bit of Skratch trembled and curled. He screeched loudly. "Yaaaaaaah!" The Wabbit was hiding behind a pillar and he was much amused. But when Skratch started to convulse and collapsed, he thought better of the joke. "Wabsworth are you certain about the voltage of that thing? Wabsworth looked back. "The man in the shop assured me it was safe for pranks." The Wabbit pondered as Skratch recovered. "What's the voltage and current?" Quick as a flash, Wabsworth replied, "About 9 volts and 10 milliamps." Skratch got back on his feet. "Wabsworth, did you connect that through your positronic circuitry?" Wabsworth's face fell. "I did." Skratch wasn't as angry as the Wabbit thought. "Well, they say that an electric shock once in a while is good for you. I could get to like it." Wabsworth leaned forward to give him another shock. "No!" yelled Skratch. He jumped back. "Like every fifty years," he hissed. The Wabbit was always alert to new weaponry. "Maybe we could adapt it for trapping our enemies." Skratch was appalled. "I don't think that's ethical." Wabsworth thought it was funny. "Ethics don't stop you playing with your enemies, letting them escape and trapping them again." "That's different," said Skratch, "it's ethical for cats." The Wabbit had an idea. "Let's ask Lapinette, she's well up on the ethics of enemies." They all agreed that was the best course of action. Carrying the joke electric shock machine, they set off in search of Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Alternative Shock

By prior arrangement, the Wabbit met Wabsworth, his android double, at the city gates. Wabsworth was grinning so the Wabbit knew he had something up his sleeve. The Wabsworth proffered his paw for a shake, but it was his left paw. The Wabbit braced himself as an electric shock coursed through his fur. He smiled through it and pretended it never happened. Wabsworth's face fell. "Didn't you feel it?" The Wabbit laughed "Feel what?" he smiled. His teeth were tingling, and his fur was full of static. "I got this electric shock machine at the joke shop," said Wabsworth, "and they assured me it was good." The Wabbit made a mental note to find the shop and give them a telling off. "I'm impervious," he said. Then he had an idea. "Let's find Lapinette and try it on her. I'm sure she'd find it amusing." Wabsworth wasn't certain and he shook his head. "I'm not so sure Wabbit, it might be a bad idea." The Wabbit thought for a second. "How about Tipsy?" Wabsworth pondered. "She's got a sense of humour but I'm not so sure it extends to electricity. She might shoot both of us." They both considered the matter further. "Skratch is a possibility," he murmured. Wabsworth brightened. "I'm sure he'd like it." The Wabbit managed to unstick his other paw from the iron gate. "He certainly loves a good joke." He and Wabsworth smiled to each other. "Let's shake on it," said the Wabbit. He put out his paw, but this time directed a small quantity of his quantum energy towards Wabsworth. Wabsworth blinked once and fell over. The Wabbit looked concerned but Wabsworth picked himself up and dusted off his fur. "Just kidding!"

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit and Lapinette were heading for an Adventure Caffè when three buskers caught their attention. But more amazing still was the fact that Wabsworth the android appeared to be with them. He clapped his paws in tune to the Bossa Nova beat and swayed back and forth. Lapinette looked delighted and clapped her hands too. The Wabbit looked sceptical. "Don't worry," said the lead singer, "he's improving our takings." "By a third," nodded another. Skratch suddenly appeared to their rear, and he waved a paw in greeting as they all swayed. "But this doesn't get us anywhere in determining what kind of Adventure we had," moaned the Wabbit. No one seemed to care. Skratch ventured a comment. "It was another one of your eco-dramas," he meaowed. The Wabbit took a paw out of his pocket and started to clap like everyone else. "I'm pleased it can be pigeon-holed so easily," he said. Lapinette didn't stop swaying. "It was perhaps one of these vertical semiotics which polices the boundaries between humans and nature." Wabsworth started to sing. "Underground, overground, we can see, impossible places made for you and me." He twirled around and clapped again. "We'll get no sense out of him this evening," said the Wabbit. Skratch looked pleased as he shuffled a feline dance. "Viewers experience a corporeal identification with the monstrous creatures portrayed." Lapinette shivered with delight. "Melting of corporeal boundaries," she cried. "The Wabbit decided to join in and he swayed with the rest. "Did someone say embrace the animal other?" Lapinette laughed. "Prosecco for the band - and for us!"
[Thanks to:  Green Film Criticism and its Futures. Ivan Ivakhiv]

7. The Wabbit and Planet Kepler 1649c

Out on Kepler 1649c, conditions weren't exactly like Earth. "Near as dammit," quipped the Wabbit. Pterosaurs flew around as if they owned the place. "Well done, Commander, you're as good as your word." The Wabbit blushed. "It was a joint effort." He and Lapinette scrambled in a ravine because they hadn't forgotten the main problem. The water on earth was getting hot and the Wabbit had a hunch about a something that might work. "I know there's betaine here, it's a natural coolant." he murmured. He rummaged in his fur and pulled out flasks. He tossed one to Lapinette and she scurried on paws and knees to fill them. "Just a little adjustment should do it, then we'll see." Lapinette helped all she could, but she commented, "This is strictly temporary Wabbit." The Wabbit gave her a wry look. "I'm the Wabbit. I do emergencies, not social policy." He glanced to the side. "Who's that toad?" The response was low and croaky. "I live here." The Wabbit and Lapinette grinned. "That's a very good sign," smiled Lapinette. "Toads are good for ecological balance." The Wabbit was quietly impressed. "You reduce the need for harsh pesticides." He nodded to himself. The toad nodded too. "And these flying things are not my natural competitors. They'll be company for me on this God-forsaken planet." The Wabbit and Lapinette wanted to laugh at his mournful tone, but were interrupted. "I'm such a clever toad," croaked the Toad. So the Wabbit fired off a question. "Do quasiperfect numbers exist?" The Toad nodded. "They do on this planet." 

[Background. Artists/s Impression (Daniel Ruffer) NASA. Toad  SV Klimkin, Pixabay]

6. The Wabbit's Search for Habitation

The Wabbit made a series of calls and before long they were zooming into space on Quantum the Time Travelling Train. Lapinette was content to merely watch because the Wabbit was searching for a suitable planet. He's gone further out than he planned because the pterosaurs couldn't agree on a suitable planet to make their home. He thought he'd find something out by Kepler - and Kepler 2c was an object of interest. But he looked and then shook his head. Lapinette articulated his thoughts "It's large but not that large." The Wabbit chortled and asked Quantum. Quantum crackled through the loudspeakers. "A bit rocky with mostly volatiles, Commander. It might not suit our guests." The Wabbit connected to the temporary cargo hold which held the Pterosaurs. "Does it sit well with you?" The intercom crackled with deep prehistoric voices. There was a bit of disagreement so the Wabbit intervened. "Well, we're here, we can go around." A pterosaur spoke up. "What about Kepler 2b?" Lapinette had her handbook of planets with her and this time she shook her head. "It's too close to Kepler. Hot as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat." The pterosaurs thought that very funny and they rolled about the cargo hold in helpless mirth. Lapinette leafed through her book. "The Keplers tend to get hotter and become gaseous." The Wabbit laughed at that. "They do smell like dinosaur fart." The pterosaurs were now hysterical. Quantum chuffed like a steam train. "Kepler 1694c might be the one! It's most like Earth." The Wabbit clicked his tongue. "Why didn't you say that in the first place." Quantum set a new course. He changed tack and everything shuddered as he engaged Lattice Drive. "You didn't ask." 

[Background. NASA]

5. The Wabbit and the Superga Summit

Somehow the Wabbit worked out where they were going and radioed ahead for fish. He just couldn't manage crunchy invertebrates - no one had them. They perched on the roof at Superga while the pterosaurs swooped. Soon they were all too busy munching to tell the Wabbit and Lapinette why they had brought them there. "Fine day," remarked the Wabbit. "Gnam gnam gnam gnam," slurped the Pterosaurs. "Care for some more fish," asked Lapinette, "it's all the way from Fregene." All they heard was crunching and slurping. The Wabbit mused to himself. "What on earth is this alarming thing we're supposed to hear." Wings fluttered round his ears. A pterosaur stopped eating for a second. "You can see it from here. Pollution." Lapinette blinked. "You don't have to tell us about pollution. We know that already." The third pterosaur - the one who seldom spoke - scrabbled on the brickwork. "We're from the past." Another pterosaur spoke. "And you've got good food here." Lapinette and the Wabbit nodded. "Stay as long as you like," said Lapinette, "but why is the water boiling?" The pterosaurs flapped their wings. "That's an intermittent effect - but it's going to get hotter. That's why we came." The multi-coloured pterosaur spoke. "It's getting cold where we are, but on the other hand we can see this time has its problems."  The Wabbit and Lapinette wondered how Turin might adapt to disgruntled Pterosaurs. "I could find you a suitable planet," speculated the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at him with a special look reserved for bad ideas. "Wabbit ..." The Wabbit was adamant. "It's only fifty light years from here. Bring all your pals ..." 
 [Picture of fish supper and fish dish at Pixabay]

4. The Wabbit and the Fish Supper

The Pterosaurs were headed somewhere. They flew across the city with Lapinette and the Wabbit in tow. The Wabbit didn't fancy falling from this height and he said so. "Quiet!" said his pterosaur. He struggled to get a better grip. Lapinette seemed to have a better hold. She twisted around to make it more secure. "Where are you taking us?" she demanded. "To get a better view," smiled her pterosaur. She shook her head. "I've got a good view, now put us down." The birds flew on and the far-off one called. "You can't see it, can you?" Lapinette answered tersely. "See what?" "The traffic haze," answered the bird. Down below, the River Po started to boil. "See what I mean," said the bird. The Wabbit was becoming frustrated. "Explain yourselves," he said. "It's global warming," they said together. "I thought I said that," responded the Wabbit. "I thought that was me," said Lapinette. But still the prehistoric birds flew on. "We'll show you more," they chanted. "We don't want to see any more," yelled the Wabbit. The slipstream clutched at his fur. Lapinette's dress was in danger of going over her head and she couldn't fix it without losing her grip. She tried to bribe them and it was close to successful. "Wouldn't you like to stop somewhere for a shellfish dinner?" "I would," said one. "We're not finished our job!" said another. "Do I have the casting vote? I vote for crunchy invertebrates!" said the third. "We'll see when we get there." The pterosaur who was ferrying the Wabbit seemed emphatic. "My vote's for a fish supper," shouted the Wabbit. That clinches it," said the third one. He veered left and the others followed ... 

[Pterosaur is by MW of Pixabay]

3. The Wabbit, Lapinette & the Pterosaurs

Lapinette and the Wabbit loped along Via Corte d'Appello in a hurry because it was raining and the Wabbit hated getting his fur wet. But it was more than raining. It was hot and steamy - almost tropical. Strange creatures walked along the street as if they belonged. The Wabbit stared at one of three enormous gekkos and tried to engage them in conversation. They weren't particularly communicative. They glowered at the Wabbit but that seemed normal because they glowered at each other too. A sudden arrival from above took Lapinette's attention. Three prehistoric birds swooped and hovered. The Wabbit looked up. "I don't like the look of these pterodactyls" he said. Lapinette tried to swipe one away, but it wouldn't desist. "Neither do I," she said, "but they're technically pterosaurs." They hovered lower and lower until both the Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves in the grip of strong talons. "They're not supposed to have these. It's only in films." Lapinette had taken an evening course in prehistoric times, but the pterosaurs didn't care. They gripped their victims and tried to lift them. "Get off!" shouted the Wabbit. The third one came down to help. "Come with us!" said the multi-coloured pterosaur. "We have something to show you," said the beige one. It grabbed the Wabbit's fur. The Wabbit yelled, "Hey leave the fur alone, it's not paid for." But his protestations fell on deaf ears. Both the Lapinette and the Wabbit were hoisted through the air and carried far across the city.  "I thought you didn't have talons," shouted the Wabbit. "Everyone's a pesky know-all," said a pterosaur.

[Gekko and pterosaur by Cindy Lever Pixabay]

2. The Wabbit and the Three Hot Frogs

Lapinette took the Wabbit to the Dora where the boiling had occurred. It wasn't too far and the Wabbit was happy to amble. He could see it from a distance because a heat haze distorted everything. The water looked very hot at a particular spot and the Wabbit gazed at it for some time. He could make out some activity. He focussed his special glasses - and what he saw made him chuckle. There were three rather large frogs in the water. He pointed them out to Lapinette and now she could also see them. They croaked and croaked in greeting. The Wabbit had a universal translator although it usually took a good hard knock to get it going. "Hello frogs," he said, "I haven't seen you here before." The frog at the front took the initiative. "We came here for the heat." The second frog was more forthcoming. "Were on our holidays." Lapinette spoke in a voice she felt was reassuring. "You're not responsible for the water boiling?" The frogs did a little dance by linking their fingers and going round and round. "Good gracious no. Nothing to do with us." The Wabbit felt he was getting nowhere. "Who put you onto it?" The frogs continued to dance. "The frog tourist board said there was a lovely river," said one frog. "With hot currents," added another. "We set out immediately," said the third frog. The Wabbit thought he was getting closer to a solution - at least he could solve the frog problem. "Where from exactly?" he chirped. "Mexico," said a frog. The Wabbit thought about it. "Did you come through a cenote?" Lapinette chipped in. "It's not possible. Cenotes aren't so big." But a frog nodded gravely. "That's what you think."

[Frog by Alexis at Pixabay]

1. The Wabbit and the Quiet Reverie

The Wabbit was hopping along, intent on his own thoughts. He'd just come from John the Baptist Cathedral where he'd enjoyed a crafty nap. He was still half napping when a familiar voice disturbed his reverie. "Hello Wabbit, you look half asleep." Lapinette rounded the corner. She was full of beans and just bouncing along. The Wabbit shook himself and pretended he was feeling normal. "Oh, hello Lapinette, I was just admiring the cloisters." Lapinette knew he was doing nothing of the kind. "You've seen them before, Wabbit." The Wabbit wished he hadn't had that nap. "Aren't the colours nice?" he said. "Very nice," sighed Lapinette. The Wabbit chortled. "I don't suppose you bring news of secret orders." The Wabbit always got like this between missions. He really wanted to be doing something although he knew he'd complain when he heard. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Oh no!" said the Wabbit. He paused. "Never a moment of peace," he added. He shook his head like a donkey. Lapinette pouted. "The Department says you have to tidy up your desk, it's a disgrace." The Wabbit laughed. "That can certainly wait. There's nothing in the way of monsters I suppose? Just paperwork?" Lapinette put her paws on her hips. "You haven't written the expected reports. You're five missions behind." "Plenty of time," said the Wabbit. He was beginning to wake up. Lapinette gave him a sideways glance. "I heard tell of some unexpected occurrences on the River Dora." "Nothing unusual in that," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at him out the corner of her eye. "Well, the water started to boil." The Wabbit looked sceptical. "Did anyone make tea?" 

The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The ghost had appeared at the Adventure Caffè. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He still had a cup of espresso and was offering it around. "So this is your famous Adventure Caffè Commander Wabbit? Care for a coffee?" The Wabbit could see the coffee had congealed into a lump, and the cup and saucer was held together with glue. Skratch looked on in horror. The Wabbit grinned. "I suppose you'll let us have your ghostly analysis?" The ghost grinned. He found it hard not to. "I wouldn't dare presume." Skratch took the opportunity to have his say. "The main aim of the horror story is to produce spine curdling shock. Chill the blood too." Wabsworth snorted. "Surely that's not all." Skratch meaowed ferociously. "Our friend here," He gestured to the ghost, "can probably enlighten us as to the semiotics of the Zombie lineage." The ghost gnashed his considerable teeth. "We must in this case look to the semiosphere." Lapinette rapped on the table. "Cultural explosions I say! The zombie has historically proved more than capable of addressing contingent societal issues." Wabsworth was not to be outdone. "The zombie tale has an astonishing evolutionary speed." The ghost grimaced. "Not even ghosts can keep up. I'm afraid we're rather hidebound in our ways." The Wabbit flinched. "Would you say it pointed to our increasing feelings of lack of control in society?" Lapinette pouted. "Always changing and ever-threatening, we are endangered constantly." Now the Wabbit leaned across to the ghost. "Can you still scare up some drinks?" The ghost nodded and gently intoned in a wavering voice, "The Thirsting."

[The Wabbit team is indebted to the discursive paper by Ryan Lizzardi (2009), The Zombie Media Monster, Evolution as a Sign and Historical Allegory.]

9. Tipsy and the Last of the Zombies

Susan flew over the last of the zombies. Everything seemed to be in paw. Lapinette's personal guard had the zombie tethered and Tipsy hung round his neck - although how she got there, no-one knew. "Can I keep him?" she yelled. The Wabbit drew the line. "Tipsy, you cannot keep a zombie." Tipsy yelled and whooped. "Why not?" The zombie raised his head. "You'll never take me alive!" Tipsy screamed with laughter and hugged his neck. The Wabbit shrugged and shook his head from side to side. Skratch looked up. "Wabbit, what happened to the flying zombie?" Lapinette shrugged this time. "Dead and gone." Skratch's eyes shot up. "Tipsy?" he asked. Lapinette nodded with a grim look. "She frightens me," meaowed Skratch. "She frightens all of us," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. It was always best to humour Tipsy. "Tipsy, just don't let him out to roam the streets." The Wabbit pondered. "Didn't she keep one of the slithering worms?" Lapinette nodded again. The Wabbit shuddered at the thought. But Lapinette was keeping count. "She also kept that Tiger that came at Christmas." The Wabbit grimaced. "His name was Baekho. How on earth does she feed them all?" "I don't ask," said Lapinette. Wabsworth seemed to have inside knowledge. "She feeds them prisoners." Lapinette's fur stood on end. "Just joking!" said Wabsworth. He shook with mirth. The zombie gave a yell. "I like brains!" The Wabbit gave a brief laugh. "Most people are safe then."

8. The Wabbit and the City of Zombies

Lapinette and the Wabbit scurried to the airfield where they kept Susan and before long they flew over the stricken city. There were zombies everywhere. But Lapinette spotted their friendly ghosts - they were making short work of any zombies they could find. Lapinette loosed off a volley from her snazer gun. Zombies fell and were pounced upon by the three ghosts. A shout from the Wabbit alerted Lapinette to the giant winged zombie. "He must have followed us," yelled the Wabbit. From a nearby building, Tipsy descended, bearing her edged weapon. She slit the winged zombie's throat as if it was a slice of rump steak. Blood spurted and he slowly collapsed. The ghost dog fell on him with sharp teeth - and in two seconds he was so much dog food. Tipsy roamed the streets, followed by the ghost. Her knife flashed and the ghost followed her up. Susan's wing caught a zombie's head and soon it was rolling in the street like a soccer ball. Lapinette kicked it without compunction. "Goal," she cried. The zombies were thinning out and soon they were all gone. "Just one thing to do," said the Wabbit. The giant zombie was still at large and had trapped the rest of the team. "Let's go get him," said Lapinette. Susan wheeled round and darted across the city, leaving a trail of vapour. Tipsy and the ghosts followed her. "How shall I deal with the giant zombie?" asked Susan. "Fly round and round him until he's sick," said the Wabbit. "It'll be all over town!" said Lapinette. Then they laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Background picture: [Harry Currens Pixabay]