The Wabbit's famous Adventure Caffè

The ghost had appeared at the Adventure Caffè. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He still had a cup of espresso and was offering it around. "So this is your famous Adventure Caffè Commander Wabbit? Care for a coffee?" The Wabbit could see the coffee had congealed into a lump, and the cup and saucer was held together with glue. Skratch looked on in horror. The Wabbit grinned. "I suppose you'll let us have your ghostly analysis?" The ghost grinned. He found it hard not to. "I wouldn't dare presume." Skratch took the opportunity to have his say. "The main aim of the horror story is to produce spine curdling shock. Chill the blood too." Wabsworth snorted. "Surely that's not all." Skratch meaowed ferociously. "Our friend here," He gestured to the ghost, "can probably enlighten us as to the semiotics of the Zombie lineage." The ghost gnashed his considerable teeth. "We must in this case look to the semiosphere." Lapinette rapped on the table. "Cultural explosions I say! The zombie has historically proved more than capable of addressing contingent societal issues." Wabsworth was not to be outdone. "The zombie tale has an astonishing evolutionary speed." The ghost grimaced. "Not even ghosts can keep up. I'm afraid we're rather hidebound in our ways." The Wabbit flinched. "Would you say it pointed to our increasing feelings of lack of control in society?" Lapinette pouted. "Always changing and ever-threatening, we are endangered constantly." Now the Wabbit leaned across to the ghost. "Can you still scare up some drinks?" The ghost nodded and gently intoned in a wavering voice, "The Thirsting."

[The Wabbit team is indebted to the discursive paper by Ryan Lizzardi (2009), The Zombie Media Monster, Evolution as a Sign and Historical Allegory.]

9. Tipsy and the Last of the Zombies

Susan flew over the last of the zombies. Everything seemed to be in paw. Lapinette's personal guard had the zombie tethered and Tipsy hung round his neck - although how she got there, no-one knew. "Can I keep him?" she yelled. The Wabbit drew the line. "Tipsy, you cannot keep a zombie." Tipsy yelled and whooped. "Why not?" The zombie raised his head. "You'll never take me alive!" Tipsy screamed with laughter and hugged his neck. The Wabbit shrugged and shook his head from side to side. Skratch looked up. "Wabbit, what happened to the flying zombie?" Lapinette shrugged this time. "Dead and gone." Skratch's eyes shot up. "Tipsy?" he asked. Lapinette nodded with a grim look. "She frightens me," meaowed Skratch. "She frightens all of us," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. It was always best to humour Tipsy. "Tipsy, just don't let him out to roam the streets." The Wabbit pondered. "Didn't she keep one of the slithering worms?" Lapinette nodded again. The Wabbit shuddered at the thought. But Lapinette was keeping count. "She also kept that Tiger that came at Christmas." The Wabbit grimaced. "His name was Baekho. How on earth does she feed them all?" "I don't ask," said Lapinette. Wabsworth seemed to have inside knowledge. "She feeds them prisoners." Lapinette's fur stood on end. "Just joking!" said Wabsworth. He shook with mirth. The zombie gave a yell. "I like brains!" The Wabbit gave a brief laugh. "Most people are safe then."

8. The Wabbit and the City of Zombies

Lapinette and the Wabbit scurried to the airfield where they kept Susan and before long they flew over the stricken city. There were zombies everywhere. But Lapinette spotted their friendly ghosts - they were making short work of any zombies they could find. Lapinette loosed off a volley from her snazer gun. Zombies fell and were pounced upon by the three ghosts. A shout from the Wabbit alerted Lapinette to the giant winged zombie. "He must have followed us," yelled the Wabbit. From a nearby building, Tipsy descended, bearing her edged weapon. She slit the winged zombie's throat as if it was a slice of rump steak. Blood spurted and he slowly collapsed. The ghost dog fell on him with sharp teeth - and in two seconds he was so much dog food. Tipsy roamed the streets, followed by the ghost. Her knife flashed and the ghost followed her up. Susan's wing caught a zombie's head and soon it was rolling in the street like a soccer ball. Lapinette kicked it without compunction. "Goal," she cried. The zombies were thinning out and soon they were all gone. "Just one thing to do," said the Wabbit. The giant zombie was still at large and had trapped the rest of the team. "Let's go get him," said Lapinette. Susan wheeled round and darted across the city, leaving a trail of vapour. Tipsy and the ghosts followed her. "How shall I deal with the giant zombie?" asked Susan. "Fly round and round him until he's sick," said the Wabbit. "It'll be all over town!" said Lapinette. Then they laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Background picture: [Harry Currens Pixabay]

7. The Wabbit and the Giant Zombies

The plan had been this. The Wabbit and Lapinette were to draw the zombies out at the bridge. The rest of the team, together with the ghosts, were to cut them off at the Via Sacchi end. The ghosts were then to do their thing and the team would mop up and sanitise everything on behalf of the city. That wasn't to be. The Wabbit and Lapinette blocked the bridge with vehicles - and they thought it would be enough. But when the zombies turned up, they were huge. One was bigger than giants in fairy tales and the other was a winged creature from Revelations. Flesh dripped from their bones. The bridge turned a curious mottled shade a bit like the zombies. "Good grief," yelled the Wabbit, "They're monsters!" He grabbed Lapinette's paw and pulled her. She was all for facing them out. "You can't fight them!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette loosed off a few rounds of her snazer gun, but nothing happened. A few pieces of flesh flew into the air and just as soon reattached. They snarled ferociously and still they kept coming. "OK, I suppose so," she pouted reluctantly. She turned to run with the Wabbit. "What happened to the plan?" she asked as she ran. "All plans are off," shrieked the Wabbit. He looked behind him. The zombies seemed to have stopped to munch a few unfortunates who chose to cross the bridge that day. "Let's regroup," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette turned back again as one of the zombies mouthed something. "It's talking to us," yelled the Wabbit. "I think it said it will mince us into pies," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit ran faster. "It's just not Christmas."

[Zombies by JuliusGronkievicz, Jule 55 at Pixabay]

6. The Wabbit and the Ghost's Lair

Lapinette and the Wabbit followed the ghost to his lair, which lay in a distant part of Torino, adjacent to the river. The ghost gave a single whistle. To Lapinette's astonishment and the Wabbit's horror another skeleton and a ghostly dog appeared. "These are my familiars," said the Ghost. He offered both of them espressos from under his cloak. "They will dispense with the zombies, if I give them enough coffee of course." The dog slavered and the skeleton chortled. "The Wabbit was sceptical. "Just these two?"  The ghost chortled too. "Just us three, Zombies are merely the undead. We are well and truly dead." "As doornails," said the skeleton. He gave a sinister laugh. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. Lapinette looked back. "It's what we got," she shrugged. "We need a plan, said the Wabbit. "I'll round up the rest of the team. We move at my command." The ghost wrinkled his bony nose. "You'll bring plenty of coffee," he insisted. The Wabbit and Lapinette headed back to the truck. The ghost patted the ghostly dog's head. "Be patient my beauty, there's plenty of coffee on its way. The Wabbit got in the truck and Lapinette followed. "I'm uncertain of our allies," he said. Lapinette grimaced. "They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The Wabbit stamped on the throttle. "Within stabbing distance you mean?"  They turned and looked back, but the ghost and his pals had gone. "Where do we get the coffee?" asked the Wabbit. "I have a supplier," said Lapinette, "He grinds fine." 

5. The Wabbit and the Espresso Ghost

Tipsy and the rest of the crew scoured the city for more zombies but acting on an undercover report the Wabbit and Lapinette sped to Crocetta Market. It seemed cold. Even frosty. But what they saw weren't zombies. It was a bona fide ghost. This was a different kettle of fish and no mistake. The ghost walked up and down and bore a single espresso cup. "Fill my vessel," it moaned, "fill it now." The Wabbit decided that direct action was the only way to approach the matter. He prodded the ghost on its skeleton claw. "Perhaps we can be of assistance?" The ghost laid its other claw on Lapinette's head. Lapinette shuddered but didn't utter a sound. "The zombies have taken all the coffee," moaned the ghost. "All of it. All of it. Nothing left for a poor ghost like me." Lapinette signalled to the Wabbit. "This one's not with the others." The Wabbit nodded while steering the ghost along. "Let's get your coffee back," he whispered. The ghost whimpered. "I have no truck with the undead. I'll buy my coffee like anyone else." He produced a crumpled 2000 lire note. "That won't get you very far," said the Wabbit, "when did you die?" The ghost gave a terrible wail. "Some long time past." Lapinette had an idea. Ghosts had some native wit but zombies had none. "Maybe you could help us with our zombie problem." The skeleton became animated. "By scaring them?" He held his arms aloft and wiggled his fingers. "Boo!" he shouted "Boo boo boo!" His coffee cup went flying in the air and then he caught both cup and saucer with a single deft move. "That raised your spirits," said the Wabbit. 

[skeleton figure by G.Janson Pixabay]

4. Tipsy and the Coffee of the Dead

Tipsy was in the Coffee Museum when it all began. She'd got a message to be alert and she was. It was no surprise when she came down the stairs to meet two zombies stealing a coffee machine. She bared her teeth and with a cry she pulled out an edged weapon. There was blood everywhere and each time the zombies coughed there was more. She plunged her knife into the back of the nearest zombie and pulled it out again. There was no effect but to add to the blood that was there already. She took a swipe at the head and severed it, but it just grew back. "Uuugh spluuugh," said the first zombie. It was the same with the arm. "Coff coff, need coff," said the second zombie. "Need arm to drink." It put its arm back on and pulled the machine down the stairs. "Send more capsules," said the first. "Even more capsules," said the second. Tipsy wasn't keen on coffee capsules and she said so. "Grrr," said the first zombie, "Eat the rabbit." A swipe from Tipsy sent its tongue flying through the air. It was just as quickly replaced, this time by two. Blood trickled from their mouths as the tongues waggled. "Slurp slurp," said the zombies together. Tipsy shook her head. She was getting nowhere, "I need reinforcements," she muttered. She retreated back upstairs, moaning. "Things are getting bad when you can't dispose of a couple of zombies. Not a brain cell between them." She backed off until she reached a window and climbed out. "Dead end street," she said - and dropped to the road ...

[Zombies by https://pixabay.com/users/erikawittlieb-427626/ ]

3. The Wabbit and Thorough Preparations

When the truck drew up in Pluto Park, there were already two jeeps in place. Skratch worked on one because he wasn't happy with its performance. Lapinette took charge immediately and eliminated his theory. "It's not death wobble, Skratch. Just a bad throttle body." Skratch was delighted because he could fix that in an instant. Wabsworth ensured the snazer guns were correctly aligned and functioning. The Wabbit fiddled with the lorry tail because he felt he was surplus to requirements. "Ouch," he said as he snagged his paw. "What are you doing, Wabbit?" said Lapinette. "Getting in touch with my practical side," said the Wabbit. Lapinette huffed and puffed. "Get in touch with my personal guard and tell them to be combat ready." "They're always ready for combat," shrugged the Wabbit. Skratch laughed and dropped his spanner on his face. "This is a serious mission, please take it seriously." Lapinette was livid. Wabsworth dropped a snazer on the Wabbit's foot. The Wabbit's smile didn't crack - although he wanted to yell out. Instead, he asked, "Seriously, what is this MacGuffin thing?" Lapinette watched Skratch and said nothing. "Let me guess. Is it a weapon of mass destruction?" said the Wabbit. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Oooh," said Wabsworth, "Explosive or infectious?" Lapinette drew a deep breath. "Both," she said. The Wabbit looked under the truck. "They've got to be somewhere!" Lapinette's sharp intake of breath alerted the Wabbit to the fact he'd made a bad joke in the wrong place. "This weapon turns things into zombies." The sound of jaws dropping could be heard a long way off. The Wabbit recovered first. "What do you call a row of zombies?" Lapinette was first to respond. "A deadline!" she groaned. 

2. The Wabbit and Lapinette Take 'em Out

Lapinette drove fast and had no time for obstacles. But as she reached Via Cernaia she heard a clatter of motorcycles. She vaulted the statues. The truck soared high in the air. The Wabbit looked down at the vehicles. "Definitely hostile," he said and he gripped whatever there was to grip. The truck was airborne, but the bikes came from below, grazing her wheels. The riders sported black visors and they couldn't really see their faces. But their intent was clear. They meant harm. "I can hear a Rotax engine." The Wabbit knew his motorbikes but Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "I don't care what engines they have, they're dead ducks." She threw the truck to the left and then the right. The motorbikes span to the ground and no-one got back up. "We're meeting Skratch and the rest at Pluto Park," said Lapinette, "and I aim to be there on time." The Wabbit settled back in his seat as the truck crashed down on the road. "You should get new seats," he said and smiled. "These are new seats," answered Lapinette. "You could have fooled me," said the Wabbit. "They're racing seats from the Army and Navy Stores. Special offer," said Lapinette. The noise from the engine was deafening. "So what's the MacGuffin?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette downshifted several gears then just as quickly upshifted. Street furniture flew. "It's super hush hush," said Lapinette. "Mmmm?" said the Wabbit. "A weapon so dangerous, it must not fall into the wrong paws," added Lapinette. "Where is this weapon?" asked the Wabbit. "In the wrong paws," said Lapinette. "Best get moving then," murmured the Wabbit. "Hooked up and ready to roll," yelled Lapinette. The truck swung into Corso Svizzera on two wheels. "Hang 'em out to dry," shouted the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Secret Mission

The Wabbit was hopping along Via Pietro Micca when he saw Lapinette coming towards him in a truck. He stepped sideways but to no avail. She stopped a centimetre from his feet, then signalled for him to get on board. He swung himself up with a friendly wave. "What gives, Lapinette?" The Wabbit liked to use hippie vocabulary once in a while. "Wabbit, we have a mission." Lapinette sounded urgent. The Wabbit was surprised. There was nothing on the horizon, or so it seemed. He paused by the window. "What kind of a mission?" Lapinette chortled and floored the throttle. The truck screeched as it took off at speed. "A secret one of course." The Wabbit jumped into a seat and hauled the door shut. He hadn't supposed it would be any other kind. "We'll need all our vehicles," she said. She pushed the truck up the gears and careered off into Via Antonio Bertola. The Wabbit sat back and smiled. "Is it urgent?" Lapinette rounded a corner on two wheels. "Everything is urgent for the Department." The Wabbit nodded his head and wound the window up against invading dust from nearby tram works. "Agents of Rabit?" asked the Wabbit. "Don't know," said Lapinette. "Euls, Skuttles, Gnamskulls?" suggested the Wabbit. "No idea," yelled Lapinette. She crashed down three gears without regard for synchromesh. The Wabbit glanced in the back of the truck. It was crammed with weapons. "Expecting trouble." It wasn't a question. "Triple trouble," replied Lapinette. "Trouble is my trade," said the Wabbit, "How else would I make any money?" He leaned forward, opened a hidden compartment under the dash and grinned. "My emergency C4 is still here." Lapinette replied through gritted teeth. "Business will boom!"

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè.

The team met at a Caffè they knew and loved. Skratch arrived late, as was his way. Wabsworth peered round Lapinette to watch his approach. He was in good humour and raised his paw in greeting. "Hello everyone! What a splendid adventure!" Skratch liked to have first go at explanation and he was determined. "Let me give you my learned analysis." He shielded his eyes from the sun and sat down on the only seat available. He pulled it forward. "That sun is fierce," he said. The Wabbit was pleased to see him. "Tell us oh learned one, what was that for a sort of Adventure?" Skratch's meaow reverberated down the porticos. "It was a conventional device for a series," he said. "But I must mention Heidegger."  Lapinette gave a slight giggle. "Must you?" Wabsworth was interested however, and he leaned back. "Being and Time," he murmured. Wabsworth had recently undertaken a study of world philosophy in alphabetic order, and he'd lingered on "H". The Wabbit merely laughed. "I suppose you're going to give us all that guff about people seeking repetition because it makes them comfortable." Skratch pretended to be horrified. "I am not a dispenser of old guff," he meaowed. "Repetition takes the past and gives it meaning and sense. It may therefore be understood." He nodded gravely as if agreeing with himself.  Lapinette wasn't to be outdone. "Seidel thought of this as a redredging that reclaims the past." Skratch was super pleased. "You're a marvel, Lapinette." The Wabbit grinned. "It would be marvellous if Lapinette could attract the attention of the waiter! She's awfully good at that."  

5. The Wabbit and a Dream of Rail Lines

The supermarket had gone and the Wabbit was dropping once more. There was a smile on his face because it was so peaceful. He could make out the railway station and the lines below, but he could hear no trains. Still, his nose picked up a static smell from the electric pylons. It seemed comforting. He continued to drop until he passed the cables. Lapinette was shouting. "Wabbit, this is the end of your dream." The Wabbit grinned to himself. "Is it over? So soon?" Lapinette yelled this time. "Wabbit wake up." The Wabbit didn't want to. Why?" he mumbled, "it's so comfortable." Lapinette floated closer. He could feel her paws touch his. "All good dreams must come to an end," she said. The Wabbit was aware of sounds from the nearby shunting yard and he could hear cars pass over the big bridge. There was the whoosh of a tram. He shook his head. "I like the railway and all that goes with it," he said. Lapinette was insistent. "You have to come back to us Wabbit. You have work to do." The Wabbit revolved through 360 degrees but seemed reluctant to waken. Lapinette spoke again. "You can visit the railway any time you like." The Wabbit smiled. "I can, can't I?" With a sudden shudder he shook himself awake. He was still floating above the railway but plummeting fast. The lines loomed. He tried to click his fingers. The scene faded and he was back in his bedroom. "Phew," he said, "these lines must represent the paths and choices I have in life." He was still slurred. Lapinette prodded him fully awake. "You have an unconscious desire to marry a train." The Wabbit laughed and thought about it. "You Freud, me Jane?" he giggled.

4. The Wabbit and the Gnamskull's Pizza

Lapinette moved the Wabbit's dream along. With a wave of her paws, they were in a supermarket in Ireland. "What on earth?" began the Wabbit. Lapinette silenced him with a paw to her lips. They waited until they heard a commotion. It was a monster the Wabbit hadn't seen for number of years and it was at a freezer compartment, tearing at pizzas. "A gnamskull," breathed the Wabbit. "A gnamskull and it's hungry for pizza." The gnamskull's teeth tore at the cardboard but it was tough work. He tried several until he found the one he wanted. Then he set about it with vigour. The Wabbit could only watch. Then his eyes flickered across to Lapinette's. "That's my favourite shop-bought pizza," he whispered. Lapinette gazed back. "You can talk as loudly as you like Wabbit, I don't think it can hear you." The Wabbit shouted. Nothing happened. "It's your dream," said Lapinette, "it must mean something to you." The Wabbit strode over to the creature and tried to take the pizza away. The gnamskull gripped it vicelike in its teeth. There was no way the Wabbit could get it. "Give me back my pizza," shouted the Wabbit. The Gnamskull shot behind a counter with the pizza. The cardboard had gone and he was eating the frozen contents. "Are you some kind of weirdough?" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette shrugged. "The dream belongs to you. What happens next? "The Wabbit launched at the Gnamskull. "You're a real pizza work!" he shouted. The gnamskull dived under the counter and squealed. The Wabbit gave up. "Now look here, gnamskull," he said. "My pizza jokes can't be topped."

3. The Wabbit's Encounter with the Slift

The dream was all too real for the Wabbit. But he saw Lapinette float some distance from the ground in what was unmistakeably the slaughterhouse at Testaccio. And there was a Slift, clearly recognisable in his distinctive fur coat. He tapped him. The Slift turned and looked down. The voice was familiar but had a strangely disembodied tone. "Commander Wabbit, where's my money?" "I didn't give you any money," said the Wabbit, "I recall advising you to make some investments." Lapinette pointed at him. "You were supposed to make more money than you ever dreamed of." The Slift inclined its head. "No money was forthcoming from my investment." Lapinette smiled. "You didn't allow enough time. I quite firmly stated at the time that I would triple your investment in 900 years." The Wabbit smiled too. "I remember saying I would take these Fake Fur investments off your hands, and you refused." The Slift moaned a long and mournful moan that might grace any crazy dream. "So here I am with only the fur I'm standing up in." Lapinette pirouetted. "Poor you!" The Wabbit poked the Slift harder and, like before, his paw passed straight through his fur coat. He hopped back. "Since it's my dream I can put everything to rights. Please take this key and go to locker number 66 in Torino Porta Nuova Station. There you will find all the gold in the universe." The Slift took the key and made for Rome Station to get a connection. Lapinette fluttered dream-like to the ground. "What was that key, Wabbit?" The Wabbit smiled the wickedest of wicked smiles. "I just dreamed it up."

2. The Wabbit and the Fur from the Past

Now the Wabbit was spinning. The crime museum had gone. He recognised the new place as the old slaughterhouse in Testaccio. He was dropping steadily to the floor. He looked up at the rafters and across at the walls. They rippled like a black ocean. It was then he saw Lovely Lapinette. She was calling to him. "Wabbit, Wabbit you're dreaming." The Wabbit knew he was dreaming. He just couldn't do anything about it. She was shouting again. It was more of a yell. "You're dreaming of old adventure locations, Wabbit." His mouth moved in response, but no sound came out. He stopped a metre from the floor. He wiggled his paw to see if it would move. It did. Lapinette drifted close by. "This is where we met the Slifts. It's a dream and it's all in your head." The Wabbit hit the floor with a thump and so did Lapinette. "Fake Fur Futures?" His voice was slurred. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Are you dreaming too?" asked the Wabbit." It was mangled and sounded like sheeming choo. "Yes," giggled Lapinette. The Wabbit slowly sat up and shook himself. "I'm not dreaming anymore." Lapinette laughed a silky laugh. "Yes, you are." The Wabbit put a paw on the wall. It went straight through. Lapinette dug him in the ribs. "What do you want to do in your dream?" The Wabbit thought for a while. "I'd like to wake up?" Again, he heard Lapinette's silky laugh. "That's no fun," she whispered, "Live a little. How would you change the past?" The Wabbit tried to recall the events. "Oh, I remember. It was like the Wild West." "Well, air yer lungs," suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit thought about it, smiled and then effected a cowboy drawl. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."