3. The Wabbit's Encounter with the Slift

The dream was all too real for the Wabbit. But he saw Lapinette float some distance from the ground in what was unmistakeably the slaughterhouse at Testaccio. And there was a Slift, clearly recognisable in his distinctive fur coat. He tapped him. The Slift turned and looked down. The voice was familiar but had a strangely disembodied tone. "Commander Wabbit, where's my money?" "I didn't give you any money," said the Wabbit, "I recall advising you to make some investments." Lapinette pointed at him. "You were supposed to make more money than you ever dreamed of." The Slift inclined its head. "No money was forthcoming from my investment." Lapinette smiled. "You didn't allow enough time. I quite firmly stated at the time that I would triple your investment in 900 years." The Wabbit smiled too. "I remember saying I would take these Fake Fur investments off your hands, and you refused." The Slift moaned a long and mournful moan that might grace any crazy dream. "So here I am with only the fur I'm standing up in." Lapinette pirouetted. "Poor you!" The Wabbit poked the Slift harder and, like before, his paw passed straight through his fur coat. He hopped back. "Since it's my dream I can put everything to rights. Please take this key and go to locker number 66 in Torino Porta Nuova Station. There you will find all the gold in the universe." The Slift took the key and made for Rome Station to get a connection. Lapinette fluttered dream-like to the ground. "What was that key, Wabbit?" The Wabbit smiled the wickedest of wicked smiles. "I just dreamed it up."

2. The Wabbit and the Fur from the Past

Now the Wabbit was spinning. The crime museum had gone. He recognised the new place as the old slaughterhouse in Testaccio. He was dropping steadily to the floor. He looked up at the rafters and across at the walls. They rippled like a black ocean. It was then he saw Lovely Lapinette. She was calling to him. "Wabbit, Wabbit you're dreaming." The Wabbit knew he was dreaming. He just couldn't do anything about it. She was shouting again. It was more of a yell. "You're dreaming of old adventure locations, Wabbit." His mouth moved in response, but no sound came out. He stopped a metre from the floor. He wiggled his paw to see if it would move. It did. Lapinette drifted close by. "This is where we met the Slifts. It's a dream and it's all in your head." The Wabbit hit the floor with a thump and so did Lapinette. "Fake Fur Futures?" His voice was slurred. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Are you dreaming too?" asked the Wabbit." It was mangled and sounded like sheeming choo. "Yes," giggled Lapinette. The Wabbit slowly sat up and shook himself. "I'm not dreaming anymore." Lapinette laughed a silky laugh. "Yes, you are." The Wabbit put a paw on the wall. It went straight through. Lapinette dug him in the ribs. "What do you want to do in your dream?" The Wabbit thought for a while. "I'd like to wake up?" Again, he heard Lapinette's silky laugh. "That's no fun," she whispered, "Live a little. How would you change the past?" The Wabbit tried to recall the events. "Oh, I remember. It was like the Wild West." "Well, air yer lungs," suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit thought about it, smiled and then effected a cowboy drawl. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

1. The Wabbit and the Curious Sky

The Wabbit was dreaming - or hoped he was dreaming. He recognised the corridor. It was certainly the Museum of Crime in Rome. But there was no floor, only sky. He could feel fluffy clouds at his back, and he was sinking. "Why am I here?" he said to himself. He looked at his paws because he knew it was the way to tell if he was in his dream body. He could see his paws all right. He wiggled them than they moved. "This would suit Carlos Castaneda," he thought. "If I'm in my dream body, something will happen." But nothing happened except for a relentless sinking. Maybe it was the sinking that was happening. He tried to recall the last time he'd been to the museum. He'd been on a work trip to Rome and had just been to the Antimafia Commission to give evidence before learned judges. That was following his undercover stint at a popular newsagent and he'd popped into the museum on the way back on a whim. It was a strange museum, an eclectic collection of objects which he quite liked. And for once in his life, he hadn't borrowed anything. The Wabbit thought that would be bad form for the Crime Museum. He bobbed up and down a bit more. The walls and the skirting board came into view, then sky, then skirting boards. He shut his eyes and tried very hard to hear. There were murmuring voices. He opened his eyes. The murmuring stopped. He opened them. There was the murmuring again. With an enormous effort he made his ways to the walls and leaned on them for support. The sky started to whirl and became solid, but the walls were soft as the marshmallow clouds he'd seen before. "Curiouser and curiouser," thought the Wabbit ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

It was a jovial gathering at the Adventure Caffè. Skratch as usual was late - but he arrived in good form. The Wabbit welcomed him with unusual vigour. "Here's my good friend, Skratch the Cat!" Then he added, "It was Skratch who saved the day." Skratch raised an eyebrow. "I thought I'd messed everything up." Lapinette was cool as a carrot. "Not one of us ever messes up." Wabsworth chimed in. "Not much anyway!" The Wabbit grasped Skratch's paw. "Tell us oh great critic. What was that for a sort of Adventure?" Skratch leaned back. "I'll tell you now. That was a novel and exciting story featuring great danger." The Wabbit interrupted. "Which the main protagonist overcame with good humour!" Skratch meoawed. "But there was a main signifying feature used to comic effect. That was ... the dynamite!" Wabsworth tapped on the table. "It definitely avoids the wider extra-diegetic implications of conspiracy films that we know and love." Through comedy," added Lapinette. Skratch nodded. "The dynamite would not explode - except in particular circumstances. So, the comedic effect was placed in the final frame and suggested exactly such a circumstance." Lapinette laughed. "Explosive! I'm glad I wasn't in that frame." They all giggled. Skratch continued. "The Agents were emotionally unstable and so was the explosive." The Wabbit smiled. "So maybe we could scare up a drink?" Lapinette laughed. "Maybe we're just not scary enough?" Wabsworth was tickled by this and thought of a joke. "Lapinette," he said, "You're dynamite!"

7. Skratch and the Stick of Dynamite

The Wabbit was passing through the kitchens of the medieval castle and looking at the food in preparation. He wasn't quite happy with the cook's choice and his nose wrinkled. But suddenly he spotted Skratch, hanging from the roof. "Hello Wabbit," cried Skratch. He seemed pleased with himself, but the Wabbit was puzzled when he saw the dynamite. "What are you up to?" he asked. Skratch swung down. "I just disarmed a couple of thugs outside the castle," he meaowed. The Wabbit looked none too pleased. "What did you do with them?" he asked. Skratch snickered, "I ate them." The Wabbit jumped in the air. "Whaaat?" Skratch laughed. "Just joking Wabbit. They're all locked up in the cells." The Wabbit hopped up and down. "We were hoping to act as decoys and find out who they were working with." Skratch didn't see any problem. "Well, we're no worse off, I can let them escape." They could have killed you Skratch," yelled the Wabbit. "Who me?" said Skratch. "I'm a cat. I have nine lives." The Wabbit put his paws on his hips, a little like Lapinette. "How many have you used?" Skratch counted, but when he came to eleven, he gave up. "I see what you mean," he purred, "Anyway, these two rabbits are completely hopeless." "They got us with stun grenades," said the Wabbit. "Never mind," said Skratch, "This dynamite is perfectly safe." He threw the dynamite at the Wabbit. The Wabbit dived out the way as it hit a metal grill and exploded. Pots and pans and crockery clattered to the ground. The Wabbit picked himself out of the debris. "What am I going to tell the cook?"

6. Skratch and the Flying Leap

As a kinetic projectile, the decisive factors were speed, object size and drag. For Skratch that was automatic. He propelled himself forward with a thrust of his rear legs. His huge claws raked from right to left. The two Agents didn't stand much chance. Caught by the claws they were thrown to the side and landed in a tumbled heap. Dynamite flew high in the air. Skratch flipped and summersaulted. With a single lunge he caught the dynamite, tucked it into his fur and landed feet down on the Agents chests. "Up to no good?" he shouted. "I've caught you in the act." The Agents were dazed and could hardly answer. Skratch knelt beside one of them. "Talk," he said, "talk fast." The first Agent thought quickly. "We're tourists," he gasped. "We're having a picnic," said the other. "Fimble fambling fools!" yelled Skratch. He picked them both up by the scruff of their scrawny necks. "Lucky it's not your ears!" He started to drag them into the castle and headed for the cells, meaowing and hissing alternately as he sped along. "I have a lovely spot set aside for fools like you." It was a dank day and the dim prison cells failed to lighten it. A single light illuminated the bars. They sat in a corner under the light bulb looking miserable. Skratch plucked the dynamite from his fur and juggled with it for while. "Strange tourists, you. I suppose you were going to brew up." They nodded vigorously. Skratch slammed the prison doors with a clang, and paused to read them their rights. "Anything you say will not be taken seriously. You're entitled to a lawyer but we haven't got one. Understood?" They nodded their heads. Skratch left to find the Wabbit but he was laughing. "A right pair of Herberts." 

5. Skratch and the Two Enemy Agents

Skratch the Cat was out for a prowl. It was a dull day and he thought he'd take a turn down by the castle. He was in the delicate process of cat contemplation when he noticed something happening - down by the drawbridge. Two figures, who looked suspiciously like Agents of Rabit, were engaged in conversation. Skratch looked the other way - but he continued to watch them nonetheless. His ears pricked up and swivelled round. In this way he could hear everything and evade attention. He watched the first enemy agent hand the second a bundle of sticks of dynamite. He heard him whisper "Don't drop it!" The second immediately did just that. The first snatched it away before it hit the ground. "You clumsy toad. I told you not to drop it." The second was aghast. "I thought you said 'swap' it." The first agent slapped a paw to his forehead. "What on earth did you think I'd swap it for?" The second agent cringed back. "I thought they were cigars." Skratch was trying not to laugh and he sniggered lightly. "There's a cat over there," exclaimed an agent. "Probably he's cold," said the other. "How can you tell?" said the first. "He's got his coat on," said the other. They carried on chattering. Skratch thought he'd slope off to find the Wabbit but changed his mind halfway. "I think I can deal with this," he murmured. He dropped low and padded round the fence until he came to the drawbridge. They didn't notice a thing. Skratch climbed up to the gatehouse, looked all round and poised for a second. Then with fistfuls of razor sharp claws and letting out a vicious cry, he sprang ...  

4. Wabsworth and the Dart's Flight.

The Wabbit strode up and down the castle ramparts trying to think. "Who would attempt an assassination?" Although his enemies were many, no-one came to mind. He suddenly noticed a commotion from the minstrels' gallery and turned round. It was Wabsworth, his android double, with giant dart sticking from his head. Synthetic blood ran down his face. The Wabbit caught sight of Lapinette as she rushed to see what was going on.  "It doesn't hurt," said Wabsworth, "but it makes me look like an idiot." The Wabbit crossed to the gallery and tried to get the arrow out of his skull. It just wouldn't come out. "I think it's a radio transmitter," said Wabsworth, "I've stopped it downloading anything for the moment." Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "This needs your careful paws." The Wabbit rummaged in his fur and took out what looked like a bottle opener. "Hold still," he said. The tool clamped around the dart and he gave it a smart tap. The dart fell free. The Wabbit lifted it up and carefully dropped it into the fountain that lay below. "Download that!" he grunted. Lapinette dabbed at the small wound, but it closed on its own. "What happened?" she asked. Wabsworth smiled. "Surprise attack. I was making my way along Madama Christina when two deranged rabbits stepped out. One threw this at me. I got dizzy and fell over." He was a little embarrassed. "Then they vanished, so I came here." Lapinette laughed. "We got the grenade attack. We were stunned. Might be the same pair." Wabsworth thought for a minute. "That dart was full of anaesthetic and it did work on me." The Wabbit sighed. "Sounds like the Ether Bunny."

[Image of dart. PIR04D of Pixabay]

3. The Wabbit and the Unpleasant Visitor

It was unexpected. One second he was looking at an Agent. In the next a grenade came spinning into the room. The Wabbit threw Lapinette to the side. The explosion was swift and fierce and the Wabbit  tumbled to the floor amidst a shower of debris. But he'd missed the best part of the blast and he picked himself up and threw himself at the door. The Agent of Rabit had already left and was racing down the small flight of stairs that led to the lift. The Wabbit heard the elevator door clang shut. He shrugged, then picked Lapinette up and shook his fur free of dust and bits of glass. Lapinette was dazed. "I didn't expect that," she slurred. "Neither did I," admitted the Wabbit, "it's just not the Agents' style." He looked around the room and shook his head. "How am I going to explain this to the landlord." Lapinette grinned. "It's the least of our worries. How are we going to find this pair of rogues?" The Wabbit picked up pieces of ornaments and thought. "What do we know about them?" he mused. Lapinette sat on what was left of the sofa. "Less than they know about us." The Wabbit sat down beside her. "We'd best relocate." He ground his 28 teeth. Lapinette thought hard. "There's my place but probably they know about that too." They both thought of the safe house at the same time. "It's a bit chilly," said Lapinette. "Less chilly than being dead," said the Wabbit. Lapinette agreed. "Let's go there and build a fire. Make plans." The Wabbit contemplated. "I'd phone ahead for Prosecco, but I'm not certain things are secure." "I think I left a bottle in the fridge," said Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled. "You'd be prepared in a sinking ship." Lapinette grinned. "That's because I make lists."

2. The Wabbit and the Rabbit on the Roof

From the Wabbit's apartment, the Wabbit and Lapinette looked over the rooftops It was a fine night and the sun was a gradually dropping ball. Eventually it would disappear behind the mountains and so they decided to watch. The Wabbit was pensive. "It's funny to think the sun will eventually be a red dwarf and we won't be here to see it." Lapinette looked at him sideways. "That's five billion years Wabbit. How long are you planning on staying?" The Wabbit sighed. "Only a million." They watched the sun a bit longer. It was pleasantly warm on the rooftop and they didn't have anything better to do. The Wabbit suddenly chortled. "I'm having a Carlos Castaneda moment. Lapinette looked up and quoted in a quavering voice. "Nobody knows who I am or what I do. Not even I." "I hardly know myself," responded the Wabbit. They were lost in contemplation. A bird landed on an aerial. They nodded sagely. Then the Wabbit saw something else. "Isn't that a rabbit over there, looking back at us." He focused on it. "I'd say that was an Agent of Rabit." Lapinette grimaced. "He's far away. Better we're over here looking at him, and he's over there looking at us." "Not normal," said the Wabbit. Every strand of fur stood up on his neck as a voice spoke. "Don't move. Both of you put your weapons on the floor. Then put your paws in the air." The Wabbit didn't flinch. He and Lapinette complied. "Can we sing the Hokey Cokey?" said the Wabbit. "And turn around?" said Lapinette. They both waved in synchrony. The rabbit on the rooftop opposite waved back. "Don't wave back, you steaming fool!" shouted the voice ...

1. The Wabbit and the Elegant Painting

The Wabbit was between missions and he was bored. So, just for fun, he hopped through the Museo del Risorgimento Italiano to see what was old and interesting. He stared fondly at the painting and imagined himself in it as he always did. In his mind he was an important figure signing something of great importance. But the Wabbit preferred to be behind the scenes, leaving all that signing to others. "Hello Wabbit!" Lapinette jumped in front of him and onto a display case. The Wabbit grinned. "I don't think you're supposed to be on top of that cabinet." Lapinette knelt on the case. "Call the police! Someone arrest me." The Wabbit laughed. "This is the room of the constitutions!" "I'll bet they protected my right to kneel on ancient artefacts," said Lapinette. The Wabbit didn't disagree and Lapinette knew he didn't dare. "I suppose you were imagining yourself in the picture," she said, "You were imagining yourself at the head of a vast revolutionary army." The Wabbit looked down at his fur and back up again. "I was rather," he admitted. "Think of the argumentation and the political whatnot," said Lapinette. She jumped up and pirouetted. The Wabbit thought exactly that. Deep down, he knew it wasn't for him. He pointed to the picture. "Do you see that empty chair?" Lapinette nodded. "I could be in that chair watching and when everything's over I incline my head sagely and leave." Lapinette sighed. "You wouldn't Wabbit, you'd have an argument with someone and be forced to leave at gunpoint." The Wabbit giggled. "With a price on my head."

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

The team found an excellent establishment and were waiting on service. As usual, Skratch the Cat liked to make an entrance - and he did so with gusto. Raising two paws in the air he cheered. "Well done you three! A Splendid Adventure." The Wabbit leant back in his seat and waved. "That's a relief, Skratch. Your seal of approval is welcome!" Skratch clapped both hands together and mimicked a seal. "Roink roink," he barked. Lapinette couldn't wait. "Tell us Skratch. What sort of Adventure did we just have?" Skratch rubbed his paws together. "This kind of story demands a suspension of disbelief. We've only your word that trafficking in modified snail parts is as described. It's largely down to cultural influence on fiction." Wabsworth chortled. "I didn't think there were any other snail parts stories going around." Skratch also chortled. "Just substitute anything at all for snail parts. It's all the same deal." Wabsworth nodded sagely. "Snails are indeed a valuable commodity in the postmodern world." The Wabbit looked anxiously around. "Perhaps the waiter has been kidnapped." Skratch shook his head. "Legal conventions in fiction demand a ransom note written in a crude hand and bearing several spelling mistakes." The Wabbit shook his head even more. "Nothing so flamboyant has been received." Lapinette tried to get word in. "In our story, there were no ransom notes." Skratch paused. "The story was not about extortion. It was about patent theft." The Wabbit agreed. "We stepped beyond codes and convention." Wabsworth gave a boisterous yell. "Give us back our codes!" The Wabbit went further. "We will find them." Lapinette thumped a fist on the table. "And we will apply them."

6. The Wabbit and the Warehouse Boom

To was brought back to normal - or abnormal as he called it. Wabsworth was relieved of back up and brought Mo in to reunite with To. But the minute they started chatting, they had visitors. Alerted by the Fugues, the Agents of Rabit came storming in for revenge. They were furious and it looked like the Wabbit was taken by surprise. Nonetheless, he and Wabsworth pulled out automatics and rained a hail of bullets on their unwelcome guest. The noise was deafening in the old warehouse. Lapinette emerged from behind Mo and she brought one down immediately. Any fire from the Agents bounced harmlessly from the shells of the MoTo snails. "Eat lead, Agents," shouted the Wabbit. "That's a cliche!" yelled Wabsworth. "That hurt!" yelled an Agent. Dust clouded everything as the Wabbit signalled a retreat. The snails were impervious to anything and they sniggered their way to the exit talking about it. The Wabbit paused and put something in the rafters. "A little present," he chuckled. Lapinette walked backwards and away from it all. Occasionally her automatic flared. Usually there was an answering cry of pain. When they were outside, the Wabbit gently pushed the sliding doors closed. Inside it sounded like a battle still raged. The Wabbit laughed and bared his 28 teeth. So did Wabsworth - and Lapinette did likewise. It was a lot of teeth to bare. As they scuttled for the jeep, they heard an enormous roar as the building collapsed to a pile of rubble. "Business is booming!" quipped the Wabbit

[Background: thanks to Peter H. at Pixabay.]

5. The Wabbit and the Mechanical Fugues

The Wabbit could see something was happening to To's shell. The inner workings were exposed and copies had been made. "Attention," he cried, "this is an inspection for the Health and Safety. All work ceases immediately." He thought for a second. "By order." A creature was holding the outer casing. "Whose order?" His voice was rough. "My order," added the Wabbit. He strode even further forward and held up a badge he'd found in his fur. Just beyond his sightline, Lovely Lapinette listened carefully as a workman with a spanner crept up. She stayed silent, waiting until the last possible minute. Then she turned and slashed with her edged weapon. It was a wide, curving blow and the knife found its mark. His throat began to bleed profusely. The spanner spiralled into the air and landed with a loud clatter. "Aaaagh!" he cried and clutched his neck. "It's only a neck wound," said Lapinette. The Wabbit gritted his 28 teeth. "You two have a lot to answer for. Who are you working for?" Lapinette had the Wabbit's attention by this time. "These look like the Fugues we met in the metro. Remember when we were The Wabbiors." She pressed the blade into the neck of the hapless Fugue. The Wabbit strode up and down, pausing by the second Fugue. He looked at him straight in the eye, then kicked his ankles. The Fugue dropped like stone. "Aargh, you've broken my leg." "Names!" yelled the Wabbit. "We don't have no names." The second Fugue spluttered as he writhed on the workshop floor. "They looked like rabbits though." The Wabbit glanced down and made to kick his ankle again. "Tell them we're coming." He signalled to Lapinette. She tucked the knife away, but took out her automatic and waved it around. "Run!" she scowled.

[Background by Michael Gaida of Pixabay]

4. The Wabbit and the Factory Doors

It was only a hunch but the Wabbit was drawn to the old factory doors. He could smell the distinctive odour of WD40 that he used in copious quantities. Followed by Lapinette and Mo he crept up to the door and gently slid it to the side. He looked inside. In the stygian gloom he saw nothing. They drew their automatics - all except for Mo. He didn't have one, having nowhere to put it. "Can you see anything?" whispered Lapinette. "Not a thing," said the Wabbit. Even his special powered glasses couldn't penetrate the darkness. But his ears twitched at the slightest sound. He could hear a faint drilling noise. Wheee wheee wheee. The Wabbit had retro-fitted To so he knew the sound of a drill biting into To's titanium shell. "He looked at Lapinette. "It's them," he said softly. Lapinette put her automatic away and fished in her frock for her edged weapon. "Stealth?" she whispered. The Wabbit pushed his automatic into his fur. "You do stealth and I'll do head-on stupidity." He turned to Mo. "What's that whistling noise you make?" Mo grinned. "You mean ..?" He put his lips together. "No not now," hissed the Wabbit, "Only when I give the word, whistle loudly." Mo was delighted. "I'll whistle like ... Ronnie Ronaldo." Lapinette stifled a giggle. "Here we go!" said the Wabbit. He thrust the door fully open and it made a mighty clang. "Health and Safety Inspectorate!" he shouted. The drilling stopped. Everything went quiet. "Reports of noise pollution," cried the Wabbit. He signalled to Mo, who launched into If I were a Blackbird with enormous gusto. Lapinette slipped into the building, melting into the walls. "Imitating a bird without due authority," shouted the Wabbit. He strode through the door ...

[Background image by Dimitris Vetsikas of Pixabay. Song: If I were a blackbird by Ronnie Ronaldo.]