6. The Wabbit and a Spot of Bother

On the advice of the Magician's Rabbit, the Wabbit drew up his catalogue and he was on his way home with the draft. The evening was pleasant. A gentle breeze blew along Via Giovanni Giolitti and it ruffled the Wabbit's fur. "I'm very pleased to get this finished," murmured the Wabbit to himself. An art catalogue was a tougher proposition than he had imagined. He really wasn't expecting trouble, because art was hardly a controversial matter. Or so he thought. But a shape loomed up behind him - and then another. "There he is," said a voice. "Let's get him," said another. The shape shoved up against him and buffeted him to the left and then the other buffeted him to the right. He could see now they were two giant rabbits he had never seen before. They were trying to get the catalogue, but the Wabbit wasn't going to let them have it. They pulled him one way and then another. He held onto the catalogue like grim death. "Leave off or I'll give you trouble," he yelled. He bashed one of them in the eye and there was a yelp. The other he elbowed in the nose and there was another yelp. A frantic scrabble took place and pages of the catalogue flew in the air. "That took me all day!" yelled the Wabbit, "pick them up you ruffians." The giant rabbits turned and fled. The Wabbit went around picking up the pages. The breeze wafted along the street and the Wabbit chased them up and down. Finally, he tracked the last page down. It was stuck to a litter bin with a candy wrapper. The Wabbit peeled it off. "It's all wrapped up now," he joked. But who were the two giant rabbits? What did they want? They had certainly taken him by surprise. "The fast and the furriest," mused the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Shaking Down

They just couldn't hold on. The bridge started to shake, and they were catapulted down like so many skittles. "Whoa!" yelled the Wabbit. He could see the ground coming up and it looked hard. He engaged his special coat to soften the blow. Lapinette was more confident in her agility and she started to roll. Skratch was a cat and he could cope with most things. He twisted and turned and ended up the right way. All the same it was a surprise. Wabsworth fared worst of all since he was an android and not really built for maneuvers in the air. His arms flailed and he prepared for a crash landing. Somehow, he engaged his g-force circuitry and gradually managed to move round. Lapinette found herself looking at a rabbit. The rabbit looked at her and said, "I am the Bunnyman." Lapinette twisted and landed on all fours. "You don't look like the Bunnyman to me." The Wabbit was close behind Lapinette - then came Skratch, then Wabsworth. They stood and faced the rabbit. "Where's your axe?" The rabbit smiled and opened his paws. "I have no axe. That's all piffle. I can shake things though." Without moving, he shook the bridge until it threatened to collapse. "I get the drift," said the Wabbit, holding up his paws. "But what about that?" He pointed at the planet, which had replaced the Moon. "You call this Pluto Park don't you?" said the rabbit. "I changed it for one of Pluto's." He snuffled a bit and blinked, and it was the Moon again. "Aha!" said Wabsworth, "You're a conjuror and you came out of a hat." The rabbit nodded. "I confess, I am from a famous painting." Lapinette was curious. "Where's the conjuror?" "I left him behind," said the rabbit. "I can't abide conjurors. I put him in the hat."

4. The Wabbit's Duplicate Hallowe'en

It was a spooky night out at Pluto Park and up on the bridge, the Wabbit clutched his axe to his chest. He wasn't going to be outdone this year. He bellowed out for all to hear. "It is me who is the Bunnyman. Me! There are no others." But he heard a scuffling behind him. It was Lapinette. "No, that's not true. It is me who is the Bunnyman. None come before me and never have." She waved her axe threateningly. The wind whistled through the park. A translucent blue moon looked down. There was a noise from behind her and she turned. "I'm afraid you're wrong, Lapinette. Because all along it was me. It is Wabsworth who is the true Bunnyman." Wabsworth waved his axe too. Yet it wasn't over. The sound of a ferocious meaow that went on forever, hung over the park like a serrated sword. "I am Skratch and I am the Bunnyman who cut up his victims at Bunnyman bridge. The blood of the Bunnyman is in me." The temperature dropped and the Wabbit shivered. "There can only be one Bunnyman," he moaned. "Lapinette scowled. "I am the Bunnyman!" Skratch meaowed from the back. "I am the Bunnyman!" Wabsworth joined the chorus. "I am the Bunnyman!" They all stood their ground but the Wabbit was the first to give in. "Look it's all a joke, there's no Bunnyman. He doesn't exist." They all started to laugh. But their laughing quickly died. They staggered as something shook the bridge with force. Their blood chilled as the sound of a stick rattling along the railings drifted through the night air. It was then that they heard the harsh groaning voice. "I am the true Bunnyman and you're standing on my bridge ..."

3. The Wabbit and the Talking Art Exhibit

The Wabbit and Lapinette decided to start their project with some borrowed art, just to test the market. Bearing a painting adapted from a medieval fresco they mounted the stairs at the Department of Wabbit Affairs. They hadn't reckoned on the weight of the frame. "Phew," said the Wabbit, "art is hard work!" Lapinette was panting with the effort. "Maybe we should have started with a miniature." The Wabbit shook his head. "It's important to start as you mean to go on." But as they climbed the stairs the painting seemed to vibrate with every step they took. "Can you feel anything?" asked the Wabbit. "I can hear something," said Lapinette. They stopped and listened. "It's whispering," said Lapinette. The voices soon stopped, and they carried on. But suddenly they started again and this time they were louder. It was the rabbits on the painting. They were saying something. They started to sing. "Beware beware, better beware, on the steppy step steps of the oldy old stairs." The Wabbit wasn't astonished one bit. "I heard something like this before." Lapinette agreed. "I think we should listen because it's a warning." The rabbits burst into melodic tune. "Have you seen the ghost of the Bunny Man? Sits in the garden on an old tin can. If you see him, you'd better ask, just where did you put your bloody axe?" The Wabbit dropped his side of the picture and Lapinette followed suit. The rabbits fell silent. Lapinette pouted. "I thought we'd heard the last of the Bunny Man?" "He never lets go," said the Wabbit. "He doesn't exist," said Lapinette. "He is coming," replied the Wabbit, "and we are here."

2. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Fine Art

Lapinette was surprised when she met the Wabbit in the art exhibition. The Camera Centre was featuring the work of Paulo Ventura and she thought she'd just catch it. "Hello Wabbit, I didn't expect to find you here." The Wabbit jumped. He was contemplating the various exhibits for inclusion in his catalogue and was lost in thought. "Hello Lapinette, you're just the person I need to help me in my quest." Lapinette smiled. "What are you up to, Wabbit?" The Wabbit explained about meeting Pio Pulcinella and his suggestion for stimulating the Dinosaur Fund. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "that's quite an undertaking." The Wabbit stepped back and threw his arms wide. "I was thinking of including all artists who featured rabbits." "Would you include hares?" asked Lapinette. "Certainly, all manner of lagomorphs," replied the Wabbit. "Mmm," said Lapinette, "There's Durer, Chagall and Miro." "Of course," said the Wabbit. "And John Herring," said Lapinette. "Doesn't he do mainly fish?" said the Wabbit. "Horses," giggled Lapinette. "Well of course there's this fellow Ventura here," ventured the Wabbit. "He does Rabbits. I thought I'd get him to illustrate our catalogue." Lapinette thought for a while. "They're all rather expensive, Wabbit. Have you thought about how you're going to finance it?" The Wabbit hadn't thought about that at all, but he came up with a quick answer.  "A Crowdfunder on that Internet thing?" Lapinette nodded her head gravely. "Lots of small amounts from interested parties." The Wabbit became excited. "We'll launch it on the world wide web and it will go completely spiral." "Viral," groaned Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit's Economic Imperative

The Wabbit was hopping through the Gallery of Modern Art when he spotted someone he knew. "Pio!" he shouted. "Pio Pulcinella! I haven't seen you for quite a while!" Pio turned away from the piece he was studying. "Commander Wabbit," he smiled, "Pleased to meet you again." Pio was an ace economist and a follower of Michal Kalecki. If anyone knew anything about economics, it was Pio. "I'm glad I bumped into you," said the Wabbit. "My Dinosaur Fund hasn't been doing very well lately." The Wabbit's Dinosaur Fund paid for all the unofficial missions undertaken by the Wabbit. Pio frowned. "These are difficult times, Commander." He shook his head sadly. "Call me Wabbit," said the Wabbit. "OK, Wabbit, we'll meet and sort this out," said Pio, "But what exactly is the problem?" "Things are sluggish, nothing's moving," said the Wabbit. "I still suggest Intergalactic Government Bonds," said Pio. The Wabbit frowned. "Aren't they susceptible to Rebel Alliance Attacks?" said the Wabbit, "I heard that two space stations had been destroyed." Pio threw his head back and laughed, "You should be giving me advice, Wabbit." The Wabbit laughed too. "I was thinking of something that was a nice little earner, nothing too grand." "Nothing too grand and nothing too illegal?" responded Pio. "Heavens no," said the Wabbit. Pio thought for a while. "What brings you to the Gallery Wabbit." "Gives me inspiration," replied the Wabbit. Pio was direct enough. "Have you considered Art Investment?" The Wabbit's eyes flickered with interest. "It's not very liquid," said Pio, "until now that is." The Wabbit had the glimmer of an idea. He put a finger to his lips. "Let's meet in secure surroundings ..."

The Wabbit at the Grand Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit had arranged a special dinner for Lapinette but hadn't told her. He very much wanted it to be a surprise. So he alerted Wabsworth and Skratch. Together they persuaded Lapinette it was merely a boring talk on new protocols, but that her attendance was completely necessary. Then they laid out the table in the Big Dining Room at the Department. The menu was a fantastic one, containing everything Lapinette liked. The courses were too numerous to mention, but the menu started with devilled crab, then Carrots Royale followed by Jerusalem Artichokes a la Wabbit. There were more dishes than you could shake a stick at, separate drinks for every course and Lapinette's favourite tunes played on a sound system constructed to the Wabbit's own specifications. "Welcome Lapinette!" cried the Wabbit, "please be seated." Lapinette smiled and waved her paw. "You shouldn't have!" Skratch was waiting for his moment. "Please sit down and tell us what kind of adventure you thought we had." He drew out a chair and Lapinette sat down and spoke. "It was a system of signs predicated upon the perfect coffee," she said. "And I can safely say it was quite most hilarious compilation of sci-fi tropes I've ever seen." The Wabbit raised an eyebrow. Wabsworth launched in. "The coffee acted as a performative signifier, which itself pointed to a dislinkage between itself and the real world." Skratch laughed. "I can't say I disagree. We are all part of the theatre of images." The Wabbit wanted the last word. "Self-fashioned ones you might say." Lapinette chose that moment to rap on the table with a spoon. "Fashion me up a dinner!" "Certainly," said the Wabbit. "Let the Lapinette celebrations begin!"

10. The Wabbit and the Great Return

The Wabbit thought he had better return the coffee machine to the Lavazza Museum. So Quantum landed briefly outside and the Wabbit hopped out with the goods. "You worry too much, Wabbit," called Skratch from the Quantum's cabin. "I wouldn't feel happy if I didn't," replied the Wabbit. He lurched under the weight. The machine glowed slightly from all the radiation it had picked up in space, but the Wabbit paid it no attention. Quantum bore the scars of the brief battle with the alien vessel and had already complained bitterly. The Wabbit knocked at the door. "I brought your coffee machine back," he said. "It just took off into outer space - and me with it." The Duty Officer was puzzled and sceptical in equal measure. "We're not missing one. But I'll go and look." He went off, returning in an instant. "No, it's still there. And there's no parking here on the concourse you know." The Wabbit was dumbfounded. "What will I do with this then?" But he knew he would keep it. He turned and shouted to Skratch. "Have we got room for a second hand coffee machine?" Quantum wouldn't keep quiet. "Who cares? What about my paneling?" Skratch spoke in a soothing voice. "I might know a good yard where we can get it done cheap." "I want the best job," responded Quantum. The Wabbit hopped back to the cargo hold. "A bit of light grinding, sanding, filling and polishing?" Quantum sounded annoyed. "I want it back to as good as new. I insist on a new panel!" The Wabbit laughed. "Where's that engineering yard, Skratch." "It's so hard to keep track of them," joked Skratch. Back on board, the Wabbit reclined in the cab. "What was that for a sort of adventure?" Skratch held his sides in helpless mirth. "I think we're about to find out .."

9. The Wabbit and the Battle for Space

The Wabbit shielded his face from the glare. The alien vessel came from underneath, firing blades of surgical steel. "Shields up!" he yelled to Quantum. Quantum's reply was terse. "This is not Star Trek Commander. I'm a locomotive not a Vulcan Cruiser." He dodged the flying blades, nonetheless. The Wabbit and Skratch were nauseous and reeled around Quantum's cab. "I never thought coffee would cause all this trouble," said the Wabbit, "Go to Lattice Drive, Quantum!" Quantum snorted. "For that Commander, I need some room and I'm not getting any." He swerved away, but the alien vessel followed. His blades caught Quantum's paneling and took some paint off. "You owe me a re-spray Commander," said Quantum. The Wabbit sighed. "Any ideas, Skratch." Skratch pondered. "They liked the coffee smell, Commander." "Well its worth a try," said the Wabbit. "Have you got any of these awful capsules we used to use." Skratch nodded. "I've got gunpowder, strawberries, seared steak and rum flavour." "Eject them all from the cargo hold," said the Wabbit. The cargo hold door creaked open and out spiraled all their old coffee pods. They watched anxiously. The alien vessel shuddered to a halt. Then it started following the old coffee capsules. "It's looking for the space equivalent of Starbuck's," sighed the Wabbit, "OK Quantum, let's go to Lattice Drive." Quantum chortled "I think we should rename it Lettuce Drive Commander? Green and leafy lettuce?" Skratch laughed and laughed. It's not just lettuce, it's wonderfully crisp and fresh lettuce." The Wabbit shook his head. "Just do it Quantum." There was a flash and Quantum disappeared into a dot ...

8. The Wabbit and the Coffee Standoff

Just as the aliens had said, the scene was recognisable to him. It was recognisable but hardly realistic. There were two giant rabbits sitting in a street. There were fake cars, fake trees and fake buildings - but were the rabbits fake or not? It look like a Christmas tableaux and the Wabbit wondered whether the rabbits would light up too. He gently put the marocchino down. "One marocchino for you," he said chirpily. "How do we appear?" said a rabbit. "A teeny-weeny bit out of scale," replied the Wabbit. There was something he didn't like about the rabbits, something malevolent. They were too sweet - maybe a bit sickly. Their fur was too shiny. Their ears were too pink. What lay underneath the plastic exterior? They stood rigidly to attention and looked directly at the Wabbit. "Very nice Commander Wabbit," they said in unison. "Now we want your coffee machine." A silence ensued. "And we want your vessel." The Wabbit was already backing away. "All out of date," he said. "Totally antediluvian. Hasn't been updated for years and years." He reached the door to the corridor. "I'll just be going now," he said and tipped his forelock. The rabbits sprang and that was the moment when the Wabbit took action. He turned tail and did what rabbits did best. He ran for his life. The aliens looked like rabbits, but they couldn't run like true lagomorphs could. The Wabbit was through the hatch and on his way to Quantum the Train before they could say Bugs Bunny. He radioed ahead. "Prepare lattice drive, Quantum." The radio crackled as Quantum responded. "Did you say Lettuce Drive, Wabbit?" "This is no time for bad jokes!" shouted the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the Perfect Marocchino

The Wabbit made the short hop to the alien vessel carrying a perfectly made Marocchino coffee. Keeping it perfect was the key and the Wabbit was careful. They did have chocolate powder and cocoa on board but the proportions were exact and the Wabbit hoped he had got it right. The NASA machine didn't have a steam wand and the Wabbit had to knock one up from things he had in his fur. The coffee smelled good. He dusted it with a fine layer of cocoa powder and foamed the milk with his improvised wand. Then he put it all together by pouring the foaming milk onto the chocolate coffee mixture. "Ecco!" he announced. The trip to the alien vessel was uneventful and a door opened in the side. The vessel was pristine in the inside and he made his way along an aluminium alleyway that seemed to run the length of the ship. There was no sign of his hosts. But he heard high pitched voices whispering. "Coffee is coming, coffee is coming." He decided to sing them a song at no extra charge. "Ma cosa hai messo nel caffè," he warbled, "Che ho bevuto su da te? C'è qualche cosa di divers. Adesso in me. Se c'è un veleno morirò. Ma sarà dolce accanto a te. Perché l'amore che non c'era. Adesso c'è!" He ended the song with an enormous bellow. "Welcome to our vessel, Commander Wabbit," said a high pitched voice. "We see you brought the Marocchino." The Wabbit looked all around. "I can't see you, I'm afraid." The voice replied. "We are here. We will make ourselves visible in a way that you recognise." The air shimmered and they began to appear ...

6. The Wabbit and the Coffee Invaders

The Wabbit relocated the Coffee Machine in Quantum's Dining Car and made some last adjustments. Delicious aromas ensued. Skratch the Cat arrived from the cab. "Well I must say, Wabbit, you seem to have outdone yourself." The machine was active although some creativity had been needed to adapt it. But there it was. An espresso. "It does seem to be OK," said the Wabbit. They both sipped the espresso from the first cup. "Delicious," said Skratch, "and we seem to have suffered no consequences whatsoever." There was a lull while they enjoyed the coffee. Then the loudspeakers crackled with an urgent message from Quantum. "Commander, please look out of the window. We have visitors." They both looked. It was a strange craft that looked for all the world like grinder of some kind. The Wabbit shrugged and downed the last of the first espresso. "Hail the vessel." Quantum's voice sounded rather stern. "Strange vessel, please identify yourself and state your particular business." There was no response, but the vessel nudged closer. "Try again," said Skratch. "Please identify yourself," said Quantum, "or we will be forced to blast you into a million pieces and spread you across the universe." The Wabbit gulped. "Can we do that?" Skratch was highly amused. "No, but he likes to talk tough sometimes." Silence. Then the craft spoke. "You look like a locomotive." Quantum replied. "We are a very funky train indeed. But your opinion is of little value. Please state your interest." The vessel hailed back. "We smelled the coffee and came to find out how we could obtain it. Would you perhaps have a marocchino?" The Wabbit looked at Skratch and winked. "Tell them .. maybe."

5. The Wabbit, Skratch and Space Coffee.

Skratch decided the Wabbit needed help with such a precious cargo. He spoke with Quantum. "I'm going outside to help." Quantum rumbled with mirth. "Don't forget your safety equipment." Skratch merely raised his eyes - and plunged from Quantum to make his way along the tether. "Hello Wabbit," he said. "Hello Skratch," said the Wabbit, "Give me a paw to guide this thing, it's awkward." Skratch fastened the tether to the espresso machine. "Running out of steam, Wabbit?" The Wabbit groaned. "Skratch, I don't really know how I got here." Skratch hefted the machine towards Quantum. "It's a nice bit of kit." The Wabbit made a face. "The sign at the Lavazza Museum said not to touch it." "Not as much as a red button?" meaowed Skratch. They sailed towards Quantum at a leisurely pace. Skratch was philosophical. "I suppose the important thing is, does it make good coffee?" "Ottimo," said the Wabbit. "Good as that!" answered Skratch. It was then he noticed the espresso cup. "What's that cup, Wabbit?" The Wabbit's head swivelled round. "It seems to go with it." The cup and saucer was following them. "Flying cup and saucer?" said Skratch. The cargo bay door swung out and they were sucked inside. "Let's get it up and running," said Skratch. They heard a rumbling from Quantum's engines as he swung round and headed for home. Skratch meaowed long and hard. "If I leave you alone for a minute, you won't get into more trouble will you?" The Wabbit looked offended. "I can operate a simple espresso machine." Skratch looked in horror as the Wabbit started to fiddle with the controls. "Now what does this knob do?" murmured the Wabbit.

4. Skratch and the Cream in the Coffee

Skratch piloted Quantum the Time Travelling Train through space. The Wabbit had said he might be in the Milky Way and it gave him an idea. It was something to do with the coffee. He was looking for a barred spiral galaxy identified first by Herschel then by Shapley - and he couldn't help singing some rhymes that were to do with clouds. "I had some dreams," hummed Skratch, "and they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee." He spoke with Quantum. "Can you get a fix on these layers?" Quantum laughed. "I'm a Time Travelling Train with Lattice Drive." There was a flash and a bump, and they went through something. Other crafts went by as if in slow motion. "If he's anywhere he's near here," said Quantum. "Look for an espresso saucer shape", suggested Skratch. Quantum looped round. His voice boomed from loudspeakers. "Initiating contour search pattern." He searched for a while. "I can smell coffee," he said. "Can you smell in space?" asked Skratch. "I can," replied Quantum, but I don't recognise the brand." Skratch recalled something the Wabbit had told him about a new brand of coffee Lavazza were introducing. "Lay in a course, Quantum." By this time, Skratch felt like a coffee himself. They hurtled through space in Lattice Drive and everything shook. "We could do with a decent coffee maker, Quantum. Have we got any milk?" Quantum laughed. "I think there's some cream in the fridge." It was Skratch's turn to laugh. "In space, no one can hear you cream." It was such a bad joke that Quantum shuddered. Then he saw the Wabbit. "There he is!" Skratch threw a lever. "Opening Cargo Bay Two."

3. The Wabbit and the Spaceworthy Coffee

The Wabbit lost grip on the coffee and everything started to spin. He seemed to be enclosed in a giant espresso cup and they all whirled through space. The coffee had tasted good. Better than good. But now he'd separated from the cup and was forced to think about what had happened. "OK," said the Wabbit to himself, "Now I'm here and I'd better get out of it." He thought and he thought. "If only I could get a message to the team, they'd send help." The Wabbit searched in his fur for quite a while. Then he came across something he'd forgotten about. He's bought it in market and forgotten it and it looked like an ordinary blue phone - but it had special capabilities following the modifications he'd made with Big Blue Snail. It might just work. It might. He dug it out, but it floated off. For a while he tried to reach it. It was very elusive and finally he gave up and called out. "Blue Phone! Come here!" It floated towards him and mysteriously attached to the back of the coffee machine. Then he tried it. "Hello, this is the Wabbit here, come in please." The line was clear enough and he heard Skratch's voice. "Hello Wabbit, where are you? We're all having a bit of a coffee break here." The Wabbit sighed with relief. "I'm in outer space with a runaway NASA coffee machine. Please get me out of here." This met with uproarious laughter. He heard Skratch speak to Lapinette. "The Wabbit is having a joke!" The Wabbit lost his temper. "This is no joke. Please come and get me out of here and be quick about it." Skratch calmed down. "Which part of space are you in?" The Wabbit looked around. "I'd say it was the Milky Way." Skratch tried to suppress a giggle. "That's handy for your coffee." The Wabbit hissed. A pregnant pause ensued. "No pressure then? We'll be right there!" said Skratch.