13. The Wabbit and the Grisly Sausage

The Wabbit was too late. Up loomed the most horrid sausage he had ever seen. It towered above the ramparts and spat hot fat across the bricks. The sky turned orange as a paprika sausage on a spit. Lapinette wrinkled her nose at the smell of frying. It was putrid, rancid and acrid - and everything else she hated. She pulled an edged weapon from her frock, then braced herself against the wall and threw it. It barely grazed the sausage, but it let out a cry and snuffled. The Wabbit collapsed in the spray of fat, rummaging for his automatic. He unleashed a shot that caught the sausage square in the middle, but the sausage soaked it up like a sponge. The phone's attempt to get down and hide was unsuccessful, and the force of the spray knocked him high in the air. Lapinette mounted a second attack. If there was one thing the sausage didn't like it was slicing and it crackled and sizzled. She kept slashing at its skin and managed to force it back beyond the parapet. It paused, sizzling hard, before it lost grip and slid down the castle walls. Lapinette helped the Wabbit to his feet. "It's not finished," she gasped. The sausage was on his way back up the wall. They could hear its laboured spitting. Spray rose into the clouds. The Wabbit leaned over the walls. "I guess burning oil is out of the question?" Lapinette shook her head. "Pickling, curing, dehydrating?" suggested the Wabbit. He pondered. "Wind drying!" he said finally. "Where do we get the wind?" asked Lapinette. "Put your lips together and blow?" grinned the Wabbit.

12. The Wabbit in the Crossfire

The Wabbit and Lapinette emerged into a weird light. A yellow sun drenched the brickwork in a post nuclear glow. They planned to escape the same way they came but everything looked different. They scampered up the steps anyway and they were halfway up when there was a crack, then another. "We're under fire!" yelled the Wabbit. Bullets zapped past as they ran. Masonry flew. Lapinette pulled out her automatic but there was no target. The bullets came from nowhere. One grazed the phone. "I'll never talk!" shouted the phone and it slammed its handset down in its cradle. The Wabbit grinned despite the danger. His nose sniffed the air. "I can smell food." Lapinette pulled him and ran faster. "It's nitro and graphite with a touch of garlic," she yelled. The Wabbit picked up speed. But all of a sudden, the bullets stopped. They sighed with relief. They looked round for their assailants but all was quiet, even the phone. "I think I can see our rope," said the Wabbit. But even as he spoke, he saw the rope stretch taut. "Something's on its way up," he muttered. The phone interrupted in a muffled tone. "We're done for!" Lapinette span her automatic round her trigger paw. With the other paw she produced an edged weapon. "Not on my watch," she growled. The Wabbit ran for the rope and started to untie it. Lapinette heard sizzling from the other side. Then a shout. "Oh no, it's him," said the phone. "Who?" asked Lapinette. "The Sizzling Sausage of Bondage," moaned the phone ...

11. The Wabbit and the Talkative Phone

The Wabbit grabbed the phone and they sped down a dank corridor. Burning braziers set high on the walls cast a dim flickering light and made the air smoky. The phone vibrated constantly and wouldn't stop talking. "Where are we going? Do you know where we're going? What if it's the wrong way. What if there's no way out?" "Be quiet," yelled Lapinette. The phone stopped talking but it started to ring. "Dring dring, dring dring." The Wabbit could take no more. "If you don't stop, I'll hang you up." The phone fell silent. The Wabbit and Lapinette continued along the corridor for a long way. "I have no idea where we're going," whispered Lapinette. The Wabbit twitched his nose. "Can you smell cooking?" Lapinette shook her head. "No," she replied. "Maybe it's the braziers," suggested the Wabbit. He sniffed again. "Burned toast." Lapinette winced. "Maybe this is the Underworld." The Wabbit continued along the wall. "Then we'd better find our way up." The phone started ringing again and it spoke - this time in a low voice. "I can see stairs." Lapinette peered into the distance. "Over there." They made their way until they came to a staircase. It was in a bad state of repair and shrouded in a damp mist. Lapinette prodded the steps with a foot. Brickwork crumbled. The Wabbit looked at the telephone. "How did you get here anyway?" The phone vibrated. "I was kidnapped by a smooth operator. He spun me a line and I fell for it." Lapinette shook her head and pointed up the steps. "Was it a party line?"

10. The Wabbit and the Ghostly Phone

They followed the ringing and pushed a door open. It was an old wooden door and as it swung it let out a shrieking creak. But it wasn't enough to drown the shrill sound of the phone. They stared at it. The ringing got louder and louder and louder. The Wabbit raced over and got behind it. His paw stretched out but Lapinette yelled, "No!" She jumped for the phone but froze. So did the Wabbit. "I'm not sure you should touch it," said Lapinette. The Wabbit had no choice, his paw was frozen too, just above the handset. The phone rang and rang and the handset shook until it tilted off the plungers. The ringing stopped and a voice came out of the earpiece. "Help, help!" Whatever had gripped Lapinette let go. She hopped towards the phone and bent down. "Hello." Her voice was cautious. "Who's there?" asked the voice. "Lapinette," said Lapinette. "That's a funny name," said the phone, "Is there anyone else there?" The Wabbit kept his paws off the handset. "Just the Wabbit," he said. "No-one else?" asked the phone. The voice sounded disappointed. "Afraid not," shrugged the Wabbit. "I'm trapped in this castle," said the phone, "I've been here for years without a soul to talk to." The Wabbit smiled one of his smiles. "No calls then?" The handset rattled on its plungers. "Sometimes there's a call and I answer and there's heavy breathing." Lapinette sighed, "There's a lot of these phantom callers." The phone gave a little moan. "Can you get me out of here?" Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "It's your call."

9. The Wabbit and the Deep Stairway

The Wabbit and Lapinette crept down the stairway. But it led to another and another after that. It was dark and damp and they only knew they were getting deeper. "This must be in the bowels of the earth," murmured the Wabbit. Lapinette sniffed. "Smells like it." At last they reached the bottom. There were two passageways. It was pitch dark and even using his special glasses, the Wabbit could see nothing. Lapinette peered into the gloom. She swung her automatic up and pointed it round the corner. The Wabbit pulled his automatic out too. The safety catch was long broken, and he'd never felt like repairing it. He racked the slide. The walls silently soaked up the sound then after a few seconds fired it back. "Creepy," said the Wabbit. Lapinette grinned. "Which way?" The Wabbit thought they'd better stick together. "That way you pointed; you seem to have it sussed." They edged along the wall. "Did you hear that?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit swivelled his ears. The sound was faint. They moved closer. "It sounds like a phone ringing," said Lapinette. "Maybe it's for us and it's someone trying to sell us something?" quipped the Wabbit. The ringing got louder. It was a jingly-jangly ring that was vaguely old fashioned. Lapinette felt her way along the wall and they crept closer. "It's coming from in here." The Wabbit swivelled round her and pointed his automatic at the source of the sound. The ringing stopped. They froze. Then it started again. "It must be a phone. Let's answer it!" yelled the Wabbit ...

8. The Wabbit scales the Walls

Watched closely by the black dove, the Wabbit and Lapinette made a circuit of the castle walls. "No luck, no door," said the Wabbit. Lapinette scrutinised the castle. "Even the high windows are barred." The Wabbit laughed and started digging in his fur. He found his old blue rope, tied a lasso and threw it over the ramparts. "Climb every mountain" he warbled." He tugged the rope taut. "Perfect," he murmured. The Wabbit scurried up the wall like young mountain goat then peered back. "Up you come." Lapinette was even quicker but couldn't resist dangling for second and looking all around. The walls dimpled and rippled as if they were fluid and so did the trees. She waved to the black dove and watched it wing off into the forest. The Wabbit heard it caw as it flew. He shrugged. He would have liked the dove to hang about, but it seemed to have its own agenda. He hauled on the rope and helped Lapinette over the wall. "We'd better explore." There were several flights of stairs leading into the castle's interior.  "Which one?" he asked. "I like that one." Lapinette pointed. The Wabbit raised an eye in question. "It was staring at me," giggled Lapinette. The Wabbit squinted at the other staircases. One ended in a sheer drop and one warped round like an Escher drawing until it was back where it started. "You first," he chortled. Lapinette hopped down the chosen stairs and out of sight ...

7. The Wabbit and the Enchanted Castle

They followed the black dove far into the forest until they came to a castle with a big red tower. The dove swooped round it once and then flew close. It was no longer completely black. It subtly merged with trees and sky, all except for penetrating blue eyes and a colourful speckled beak. It cooed. "We're here, we're here." The Wabbit looked up but Lapinette tried to jump to reach it. "Where's here?" she shouted. "This is the enchanted castle," said the dove. The Wabbit grinned. He slung his snazer gun cross his back and held it there, guerrilla style. "What's enchanted about it?" The dove cooed quietly. "Not one soul has gained entry for five hundred years." Lapinette gasped. "How old are you then?" "More years than I care to remember," cooed the dove. The Wabbit pondered for a bit and shrugged. "Must be something hidden in there." The dove fluttered its wings. "Legend says that two souls will come who are braver than the rest. Only they will be allowed to enter the enchanted castle." The Wabbit grunted. "What else does this legend say?" This time the dove raised its head and let out a caw that that flew high over the trees and echoed from tower. "Inside there is someone to be freed, something to be kept and something ... " "Something to eat I hope," interrupted the Wabbit. His tummy rumbled alarmingly. "Something to eat and drink," added the dove. Lapinette plucked a salad sandwich from her frock, handed it to the Wabbit and nudged him. "I feel like a drink." The Wabbit's 28 teeth flashed as he ate "Let's get this rescue underway!" he yelled. "First you have to find the door," cooed the dove.

6. The Wabbit, Lapinette & the Giant Bird

Jenny and Wabsworth stayed with the Lepus to try and float her. The Wabbit and Lapinette ventured inland to reconnoitre. The headland gave way to a wood then a dense, dark forest. Going was difficult. Strange sounds filled the air. Every tree seemed like a creature with insect tendrils that poked at their faces. Leaves crackled underfoot. Windy gusts blew up from nowhere and tugged at their fur. "A life in the open air," muttered Lapinette. "Just what I need for my holiday," replied the Wabbit. Creatures crashed in the undergrowth. Birds whooped from treetops. The Wabbit kicked his way through dead branches. Lapinette flitted over them. "Caw caw! caw caw!" The call came from overhead and to the east. The Wabbit snorted. "What is this? Edgar Allen Poe?" Lapinette pointed. "It's getting closer." A wind flattened their fur and whatever light existed dimmed in a moment. Giant wings spanned the forest as a massive black dove swooped down to hover just above their heads. The Wabbit flicked his snazer into life and its gentle hum joined the forest repertoire of creepy sounds. Lapinette's edged weapon made no noise at all, which was why she liked it. Her grip on the hilt seemed careless, but the knife was ready to fly. She ran a paw along the blade and made a clicking sound in the back of her throat. Branches bent back as the black dove flicked its enormous wings and soared into the sky. Then it flew back and called three times. "Caw caw caw!" "How do you do that?" asked the Wabbit. "Practice," said Lapinette as they followed the bird.

5. The Wabbit and the Phantom Island

The Lepus was high and dry. Nothing would shift her. The island was fully formed now, with rocks and foreland. Waves kissed a sandy beach. "Maybe this really is my holiday," grinned the Wabbit. So followed by Jenny, the Wabbit clambered down, scampered across the sand and climbed a hill to get a better view. His ears pricked up at a familiar chattering and he checked the corner of the sky. "Lapinette!" He cheered. Below on the beach, Jenny fired into the air as a signal. Lapinette's helichopper swooped onto the island with speed and she set it down on the sand. The blades swished to a stop and for a moment there was silence. But the Wabbit spotted Wabsworth in the cabin and dug in his fur for his walkie talkie. "Wabsworth, did you find anything?" The radio crackled. "You Commander. Where is this place? It's not on the charts." "It be a phantom island," hollered Jenny. "I hope it's not thrice cursed," said Wabsworth. Jenny was getting tired of the same joke. "It'll be you who's cursed in a minute." Wabsworth and Lapinette strolled across the sand. Lapinette leaned down and scooped some up. "Maybe the island is synthetic." Wabsworth laughed. "Perhaps it's that ghost island that floats around collecting people and they all turn into ghosts for ever." Jenny wrinkled her face in horror then turned as she heard the Wabbit slid downhill in a cloud of dust and earth. "Maybe this is Love Island!" he yelled. "Eeek!" shouted Lapinette. She made a face. Sand scrunched under the Wabbit's feet as he loped towards her. "Let's scout inland." Jenny and started back to the ship, but she could feel the Wabbit staring in surprise. "I be going for the grog," she snapped.

4. The Wabbit and the Ghostly Galleon

The Lepus searched without luck. "This is fruitless, " said the Wabbit. He tucked his binoculars into his fur. They were old and scarred but he'd never found better. Jenny looked the other way, "Behind you." The Wabbit did not turn but looked out the corner of his glasses instead. He screwed up his eyes. The result was the same and he shook his head in disbelief. "It be a ghost ship," said Jenny. The ghostly ship shimmered and vanished, then reappeared again. "Be it?" asked the Wabbit. He found Jenny's pirate talk to be catching. "Be it what we're looking for, then?" he added. Jenny laughed. "No, it be a warning to seafarers." The Wabbit shrugged his shoulders. "What kind of warning might it be." Jenny shrugged too. "The ghost ship be mostly unspecific." They stood for a while watching the ghost galleon come and go. Without warning the Lepus rose from the water and slammed down again. The Wabbit grasped on to the bulkhead. Jenny strode to the wheel. She looked at all her instruments. The echo sounder says we're aground. The Wabbit struck the bulkhead with a paw. "It must be the ghost ship. We're in the middle of the deep blue sea." Jenny shook head. "The echo sounder ain't much of a believer in ghosts." The Lepus lurched upwards again. Her propeller churned air and dripped water. The Wabbit looked out. But there was no ghost ship. Only dry land. "This be a phantom island," said Jenny. "Be it thrice cursed?" snarled the Wabbit. "Probably," nodded Jenny.

3. Lapinette and the Choppy Ocean

Lapinette kept her eagle eyes trained on the sea. But she hadn't the faintest motion what for, because her orders were so hush-hush they were only vague clues. She'd flown a long way but she rubbed her eyes and kept looking. Wabsworth was technically asleep. Of course, androids had no need of sleep. Wabsworth had decided he would run self-diagnostics - and so he arranged for an electronic dozing noise compatible with light to medium snoring. Lapinette heard him above the helichopper racket and smiled. The Lepus was making for roughly the same position but Lapinette had to keep radio silence, so she listened for ship's engines and scanned the horizon. Wabsworth woke up suddenly and looked out. "Where are we?" Lapinette shouted. "Somewhere in the Atlantic. Can you see anything?" "I'm not sure what I'm looking for." "No-one is," replied Lapinette. "I can see the sea," laughed Wabsworth. He performed an electronic scan, but nothing came up. He switched to manual view. "Isn't that something over there." Then he pointed and yelled, "Look there, the water is different." Lapinette dropped to sea level. Helichopper blades ruffled the surface until it threshed. "It could be a sunken island," suggested Wabsworth. Lapinette shook her head. "Too National Geographic." Wabsworth smiled. "I have a list of phantom lost lands." Lapinette dropped the helichopper a little more, but when she felt something tugging them, she throttled up and got some height. "I can hear the Lepus," said Wabsworth. Lapinette's ears were sensitive and she could usually hear a feather drop in a puddle. She laughed. "Your sleep did you a power of good..."

2. The Wabbit and Jenny leave Port

The Wabbit and Jenny set sail with sealed order papers. The Lepus squeezed through the narrow strait between the Irish mainland and Dalkey Island. It wasn't very deep, but the Lepus was built to a CalMac spec and required as little as 3.2 metres of draught. The Wabbit waved to Dalkey Island and turned to Jenny. "What about orders?" Jenny rocked back in her pirate boots, then forward. "Not until we be in international waters, Commander." The Wabbit thought this was curious and murmured, "All very hush hush then?" Jenny patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry about your vacation." The Lepus cut through the water like a double-edged sword. "I never really get one, so I'm not that fussed," said the Wabbit. Clouds billowed in a blue sky and the sea sparkled. Jenny spoke into the ship telegraph. "Full ahead, navigation." The Wabbit thought the device looked old fashioned. "Maybe we need an upgrade." Jenny laughed. "No internet jockey can hack into this." She sounded the foghorn. Yacht people waved as the Lepus sailed into the distance. The Wabbit reached in his fur for his walkie talkie, switched to Channel 68 and listened in to small craft chatter until it faded. He smiled to himself. Now the island was well to port and open waters beckoned. "We're 12 miles out," said Jenny, "we can open the orders." She handed the Wabbit a manila envelope wrapped in plastic. The Wabbit opened it, pulled out a sheet of paper with typing on both sides and glanced at the contents. "We need a meeting," grunted the Wabbit ...

1. The Wabbit and a Busman's Holiday

The Wabbit stood and breathed in sea air. He was on holiday and was on the dock of the bay as he called it, watching ships arrive and depart. This was the Dublin Great South Wall, a very long sea wall that extends from the Liffey into the Irish Sea. It was a brisk 4-kilometre hop to the Poolbeg Lighthouse, and he was on his way back when he thought he'd pause for a breather. The Wabbit was sceptical about holidays, because every time he took one, it turned into an adventure. It was a fine day, if a little chilly. Waves sparkled and gulls cawed. He leaned against the Water Polo Club wall, just beside a lifebelt, and wondered whether he'd ever enjoy a holiday. His ears pricked up. He could hear a familiar ship's foghorn - one that didn't belong to any container ship. "It's Jenny," he smiled. He dug in his fur for his walkie talkie, tuned it to the appropriate frequency and yelled. "Commander Wabbit, calling Captain Jenny. Commander Wabbit calling the Lepus." The radio crackled and Jenny answered. "No need to bellow, Commander. I can hear you without the radio." The Wabbit was delighted. "Where are you?" Jenny's voice had a pirate laugh in it. "Behind you." The Wabbit turned and gasped. "That was stealthy!" The Lepus was a retrofitted, armed ferry and she rolled and yawed on the Liffey swell. "Stealth is our middle name, Commander," crackled Jenny. The Wabbit waited for more. "The Department sent me and here I am," said Jenny. "Something's afoot," murmured the Wabbit. He saluted the ensign and shouted again, "Permission to come aboard, Captain."

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team met at the Safe House and prepared for a hearty meal. Skratch arrived late as usual. He brought Marshall Duetta Spyder with him and she hung from the roof, hunting moths. The Wabbit heard loud crunching but ignored it. "Well," meaowed Skratch, "I'm here to tell you what kind of adventure you just had!" Lapinette rattled the plates with vigour. "Please go ahead, Skratch." Skratch leaned back and grinned. "It was a mystical adventure, thin in narrative, yet rich in spiritual consolation." Duetta crunched a moth down like a potato chip. "Clouds represent a desire for freedom." She rustled her legs. Lapinette flinched at the sound of the moth being digested. Wabsworth shook his head and launched his own explanation. "The narrative to which you refer is but a code of multiple enigmas. The reader receives this only as so much unimportant detail. It appears gratuitously natural." "That's Barthes," said Lapinette. She reached out to grab food, but it was fruit. She quickly put it back. "That's Barthes as interpreted by Julia Lesage," grinned the Wabbit, "As long as the reader is swept along by pseudo-psychological connections, they will be rewarded with the voice of truth - and that is why it's mystical." Skratch purred. "The connections arise from the semic code, mobilised through images. They constitute the key emotional sub code and the main units of connotation." The Wabbit rattled the plates and crashed them together. "I'm contributing my own seme - noise. Decode that!" Lapinette laughed and laughed. "We're hungry! Where's the food?"
[Julia Lesage: S/Z and the Rules of the Game in Movies and Methods Volume 2. UCP Press, London, 1985]

8. The Wabbit and the Cloud Aftermath

Susan the Biplane dropped them off and they were glad to be back. Out on the Big Bridge the team hopped and talked. The city was back to normal - normal as it ever was. The traffic wasn't much but it moved. Some people strolled along as if they had nothing else to do. The Wabbit looked at the advertising billboard and sighed. "There hasn't been a movie picture on this hoarding for ages. Just these scrapings." Lapinette looked at it. "Are you sure?" Wabsworth stared too. "Isn't that .. the red things from the cloud?" The Wabbit paid more attention. "You're quite right." Lapinette hopped up and down. "Maybe it's following us." The Wabbit dug deep in his fur with both paws and seemed to come up with nothing. But suddenly the tips of his paws lit up and appeared to throw lightning at the billboard. The red things coalesced and settled on the surface - somehow, they'd become part of it. Lapinette gaped. "How did you do that lightning?" "I collect things," shrugged the Wabbit. Lapinette pointed at the billboard. "So, what exactly happened?" Wabsworth had more than a clue about what had gone on. "The Wabbit's fur is an anti-matter weave. He captured the power of the cloud and harnessed it in his fur." Lapinette turned to the Wabbit and pointed. "That was serious performativity. But is it reversible?" The Wabbit grinned. "Oh yes, there's plenty more anyway." He flicked imaginary lint from his fur and they all turned to go. "Didn't Duetta Spyder say the cloud was sentient?" asked Lapinette. "Sentient is as sentient does," laughed the Wabbit.