8. The Wabbit and the Malignant Myth

The shape shimmered and became opaque. Between a human and a bird, it perched on a rock nearby. Lapinette pointed her snazer. So did the Wabbit. A yellow sun lit the sea and in the distance they saw Akwats leaping across it like dolphins. Waves crashed soundlessly on the rocks.  "Complaints?" asked the shape for the second time. Its voice was treacle. Mutated wings fluttered. Feet skittered on the rocky outcrop. "Are you a mythical Strige?" said Lapinette. The shape nodded gravely and asked, "What is the nature of your complaint?" Lapinette waved her weapon at the sea and snarled. "We're complaining about these Akwats." The Wabbit growled. "Why are they here?" The Strige's face twisted into what must have been a smile. "They came to complain about you." The Wabbit gasped. "The cheek of it! What are you going to do about it?"  The Strige cackled. "You wish me to touch them with my evil wing?" The Wabbit wasn't happy. He poked the Strige with his gun. "What would happen?" The Strige shimmered and nearly vanished. "They'd rot." He reappeared again and Lapinette hopped forward. "They're bad enough already." The Strige whirled round and screeched at the Wabbit. "I can make you into puppets." "You can't," yelled Lapinette. The Strige whirled back, but the Wabbit yelled, "You're a has-been bird." So did Lapinette and they chanted, "Has-been, has-been, has-been!" The Strige whirled so much it bored a hole in the rock and dropped in. "The bird has bolted," laughed the Wabbit.
[Thanks to : Classical Culture and Witchcraft in Medieval and Renaissance Italy Marina Montessano]

7. The Wabbit and the Isle of Complaints

Followed by the Akwats, the Lepus coasted through the fog - but the fog was entirely its own. Land loomed quickly and Jenny threw the Lepus into Emergency Astern. There was a splash as she let the anchor drop into the sea. It was just in time. The Lepus scraped sand and gravel. The Akwats quickly vanished. "Nothing on radar," growled Jenny. "This place doesn't exist." The Wabbit and Lapinette strapped on snazer guns and dropped over the side. "It seems solid enough," said the Wabbit. Murky water washed across his legs and splashed upwards on his face. "Stupid wet gravelly island," he grumbled. Lapinette suppressed a laugh. "Then this must be the Isle of Complaints." Her voice was muffled and there was hardly a sound as they made their way up the beach. No wind, no birds, nothing. The Wabbit scuffed the beach, picked up a rock and threw it in the sea. It skimmed and bounced along the surface with no noise. He shouted and yelled. Lapinette shook her head. She could hardly hear a thing. She leaned close and screamed in the Wabbit's ears. "The island absorbs sound." He gripped her by the paw and together they moved inland. He stopped with a jerk. "I can feel movement." He looked straight ahead. Lapinette could see nothing. "Show yourself," said the Wabbit. Directly in front, the air shimmered as if it was rising from hot tarmac. A vague shape emerged and a quavering voice spoke. "Have you brought me any complaints?"

6. The Wabbit and the Akwat Attack

The Wabbit's music boomed over an empty sea and for a while, that was all there was. But the sky turned yellow. The waves took on a strange, ultraviolet hue. A layer of rock thrust up from the water, catching the keel of the Lepus, which threatened to capsize. Water coursed everywhere. Jenny turned on the Wabtek device and the Lepus lifted. For a moment the ship lay stranded along the rock. The Wabbit turned up the volume but it made matters worse. The Akwat creatures seemed to enjoy the music and their jaws clamped round the Lepus from stem to stern. The Lepus groaned in pain. "Kill the music, Wabbit!" yelled Jenny. The music died as the ship's giant cannon swung round the stern until Jenny got a bearing. "Fire!" she yelled. Shrieks rent the air as the reminder of her cannons fired port and starboard. Akwats plunged threshing into the water. Now the Lepus hovered, but an unknown force drew it back. Jenny let the Lepus drop with a mighty splash and signalled for full ahead. The Wabbit lurched across the bridge and hit the foghorns. The mournful sound carried across the waves and remaining Akwats moaned with them. One by one they dived under the surface and disappeared. The Lepus headed for the horizon as fast as her engines could take her. "That was close," muttered Jenny. The Wabbit peered at the surface. "They're following." He sounded the foghorns again. The Akwats fell back, but up ahead he could see a swirling mist which quickly thickened to pea soup. "We summoned our own fog," sighed Jenny.

5. The Wabbit in the Sea of Complaints

An impenetrable barrier bounded the Sea of Complaints. All looked lost until the Wabbit's Wabtek technology enabled the Lepus to fly over the barrier like a salmon leaping back to the spawning grounds. But the Sea of Complaints lived up to its name and the Lepus tossed and turned in violent waters on the other side of the barrier. Lapinette retired to her quarters and buried her head in her bunk. Even the Wabbit turned green. Captain Jenny gritted her teeth and spinning the wheel to and fro, she urged the Lepus forward. Soon they left the barrier far behind and the Wabbit breathed a sigh of relief. "I hope the Akwat fish are here after all that bother." Jenny smiled. "What bother was that, Commander?" Now the Wabbit could hear the thrum of the engines and his stomach settled down. The Lepus cleaved a path through a calm sea leaving a clean, shapely wake. Lapinette appeared from her cabin. Her face was no longer lime green, but had faded to the colour of young asparagus. She tried to sound chirpy. "Any sign of the fish?" The Wabbit shook his head and fished in his fur for electrical bits and pieces. Then he vanished below to make ready the soundbait. Lapinette heard him warble a song. "Gone fishin'. Put a sign upon my door." Amplifiers rasped out a crackly version of the ancient classic, recorded by the Wabbit himself. Lapinette covered her ears. Jenny leaned across. "What key is the Wabbit singing in?" "The key to Hell," grimaced Lapinette. 

4. The Wabbit and the Grouchy Sea.

The Lepus sailed at dawn despite the conditions. The Lepus pitched yawed and rolled and for once Lapinette seemed happy. The Wabbit looked across. "The tablets I gave you are working!" Lapinette laughed and inspected the controls. "Which button is the Stealthicator?" Jenny grunted. "On your right. You can press it if you like." Lapinette jabbed it. The Lepus shimmered and Lapinette saw the bow vanish. Jenny grunted again. "The Wabbit made a modification. Want to try?" Lapinette's smile turned upside down, but she said. "OK." The Lepus shimmered again. Now Lapinette was looking at the bow of a sailing ship. "Nice," she breathed and made it vanish again. The Wabbit waved his paws wide. "I can do a tug, a pilot ship, an oil rig and a tea clipper."  That's handy," acknowledged Lapinette. She batted her eyes. Waves crashed against the windows. The Lepus shuddered. "Where are we headed?" gulped Lapinette. Her eyes moved to the back of her head. "We be seeking the Akwat breeding grounds." said Jenny. She rolled with the ship. "If indeed they exist," added the Wabbit. He looked at Lapinette. She was beginning to look green. "Have another tablet," he suggested. Lapinette knocked back another tablet and stabilised. "So where are the grounds?" Jenny squinted. "They're said to be in the Sea of Complaints." Lapinette giggled for quite some time. "Is that why we brought the Wabbit?"

3. The Wabbit and Jenny on the Docks

"Boo!" whispered the Wabbit. Jenny didn't turn. "I can see you Wabbit." The Wabbit smiled. "Need an extra gun?" Jenny swayed as a pirate should. "Quiet, Wabbit me hearty. I be in disguise."  The Wabbit looked all around. There was hardly a soul in sight. He shrugged. "Looks like it worked." The both sat on the wall. Jenny nodded to the fishing boat. The captain gave her a wave. "I got a lift," she winked. The smell of fish was overpowering and the Wabbit thought about dinner. His tummy rumbled. "What's happening?" he asked. "The Akwat fish be proliferating and we don't know why," said Jenny, "They're becoming a menace." The Wabbit waited for more. "They be troublin' the waters, and they be as bent a barrel of fish hooks." sighed Jenny. The Wabbit resisted a grin. "What's their problem?" Jenny swayed even though she was sitting. "They be in league with some others. They be holdin' us to ransom." "Bigger fish?" asked the Wabbit. "Aye, and they should fry," sneered Jenny. The Wabbit thought for a long time. "Then we have to flush the big fish out. Let's lay a trap." Jenny growled and giggled at the same time. It was one of the most threatening sounds the Wabbit had ever heard. "Like that trap music my cook listens to?" The Wabbit looked delighted. "Exactly. We'll trap them with sound. What's their auditory weakness" Now Jenny laughed long and hard. "Stridulation?" The Wabbit cackled in a pirate accent. "A simulation stridulation stimulation..."
[def:  stridulation: sounds made by animals and fish by rubbing certain body parts together.]

2. The Wabbit and the Fishy Business

Captain Jenny and the Lepus were early. The Wabbit and Lapinette had been viewing the most wonderful sunset when everything began to shimmer and distort. The Lepus appeared from thin air and came down with the sun. The Wabbit turned to Lapinette. "Emergency protocols!" he yelled and he whipped out his walkie talkie from his fur. "Come in Lepus. This is the Wabbit." The radio crackled with Jenny's voice. "We had some trouble. Watch out!" The Lepus dropped steadily until it hit the water with a dramatic splash. But the splash wasn't on its own and the water threshed and boiled as a sea monster emerged. The Wabbit flinched as a bullet whizzed past his nose. The creature chose that moment to belch like a Kraken. The bullet struck home, and the noxious gases caught fire. The creature turned over, bellowing. Then it sank. Flames decorated the surface and died. The Wabbit sniffed the air. "Oh yuk. Lapinette you singed my nose." He lifted the walkie talkie. "Jenny. Any more of these things with you?" Jenny's voice crackled back. "We disposed of hundreds at one stage, but they kept coming. Then we used your Wabtek device." Lapinette waved her automatic around just in case. "It's an Akwat, isn't it?" The Wabbit scowled. "Dreadful scunners!" Lapinette leaned close to the radio. "Use the Stealthicator, Captain. We'll meet you at the dock." The Lepus seem to vanish with a rumbling sound. But that was just the Wabbit's tummy. "What's for dinner?" he asked. "Fish," said Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Sunset Beach

The Wabbit was strolling along Sunset Beach when Lapinette caught up with him. "Wabbit! There you are!" The Wabbit laughed and stretched out his paws. "Did you find a new frock?" Lapinette bounced up and down. "I certainly did. It's being altered." The sun continued its downward trajectory and anything remotely red sparkled in the seaside air. "I like the one you're wearing," grinned the Wabbit. "You always do!" shrugged Lapinette. They made their way along the beach in search of a coffee. "Any word from the Lepus." Lapinette looked out to sea with pretend binoculars. "Jenny will be here on the morning tide." The Wabbit knew she was likely to bring orders from the Department. That meant a new adventure so he smiled and changed the subject. "I do like the beach. How many grains of sand are in the world, do you think?" Lapinette looked as if she was doing a calculation but she already knew. "Seven quintillion, five hundred quadrillion at the last count." The Wabbit was rather impressed, yet quizzical. "Who counted them?" "Mr Sandman," replied Lapinette. "I suppose it took him a while," said the Wabbit. "All day and all night," answered Lapinette. The Wabbit scuffed the sand with his foot and winked. "We can beat him." Lapinette spotted a good caffè and pointed. "We need coffee then." The Wabbit grabbed Lapinette by the paw and tugged. "We'll get a flask!"

At the Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The team met at the Museum Caffè, which was one of their favourites. Skratch was delighted, and he came bursting in with his paw held high. "No need to ask what kind of adventure that was. That was quite a spooky adventure!" Wabsworth began to sit down. "I think I contributed to the overall spookiness," he said with a smirk. When Wabsworth smirked, his circuits became noisy and everyone heard them whirrr. Lapinette stifled a giggle. "I didn't like being in that jug one bit." The Wabbit nodded in agreement. "And I didn't like being the accidental genie and wish granter." Skratch blinked. "That is the customary approach of course. Yet wishes are only some kind of shortcut that avoid the hard practicalities of life." Wabsworth had been reading again. "Yes. Film is all about desire and wanting. Doing is quite another matter." The Wabbit rapped on the table. "Do you know, there are those who would conveniently dismiss our theorising and that is precisely what the adventure is about." Lapinette continued, "It was an aesthetic interpretation of a traumatic event and the exposing of the unanswered questions that underlay it." Skratch meaowed long and hard. "Aha! No theory, no answers," he mused. Lapinette clapped her hands just like a genie. "I summon the drinks and I summon them now." Everyone laughed and laughed, but the Wabbit cut the mirth short. "The unanswered question is - why aren't they here already."

6. Wabsworth and the Curio Collector

The air in the Curio Bar was thick with incense. Wabsworth's android circuits whirred as he processed it, then he placed the jar on the counter with a lot of care. He'd filled it with sfuso wine from the liquor store in the next street - and capped it with speed. Now vapor made lazy spirals on the surface of the wine. Wabsworth smiled at the figure behind the counter. "Mr Z? You come recommended." The figure grinned. "And so Mr Wabsworth, do you. Is that the merchandise?" Wabsworth nodded and tapped the side of the jar. "On no account should this be opened, Mr Z. And in the unlikely event that it is opened, no-one should drink the wine." Mr Z swayed back and forwards on the balls of his feet. "Aha. It's one of those is it?" He glanced around until he saw a likely spot. He gestured. "I'll put it over there." He lifted it, paused, then placed it on a display shelf. "And now to business. How much do you want for the curio?" Wabsworth frowned. "Technically it's priceless and therefore has no value. But I'd like to pop in from time to time and look at it." Mr Z grinned broadly. "My pleasure." "One more thing," said Wabsworth, "If anyone shows the slightest interest in it, I want to know." He handed him a crumpled business card. Mr Z tucked it in a breast pocket, winked and waved goodbye. "I wish the plan success." Wabsworth turned and winked back. "Be very careful what you wish for around here ..."
[sfuso: unbottled wine from the barrel. Usually moderately priced. Often the customer provides the container.]

5. Wabsworth and the Rabbit-shaped Cork

Wabsworth seized the jug while the Wabbit and Lapinette hopped well back and watched from a safe distance. Vapour wisped from the neck - but to no effect. "Good thing I'm an android," grinned Wabsworth. He dug into his fur, produced a cork he'd picked up in a market and slid it neatly into the neck of the jug. The vapour shut off immediately. Everyone sighed with relief. Wabsworth giggled. "I bought this rabbit-shaped cork as a present for you, Wabbit. It was a secret." Lapinette smiled an enormous smile. She knew that in the paws of the Wabbit a wine bottle didn't keep its contents long - so he seldom needed a cork. Wabsworth shook the jug, then shook it again. He held it up to his ear. He heard faint murmuring and detected an angry tone. He shook his head and gave the cork an extra thump. "That'll fix it for now." Lapinette and the Wabbit weren't convinced and the Wabbit glowered. "The plug's in the jug, what next?" Lapinette sighed. "What are we going to do with it now?" "I have a plan," replied Wabsworth. "We can't just leave it anywhere," frowned Lapinette. "Trust me," said Wabsworth. Lapinette pulled rank. "Wabsworth, I insist on knowing where you're going to locate it." "I know an appropriate jugstore," grinned Wabsworth ..

4. The Wabbit and the Reverse Wish

The Wabbit looked at the jug and he could hear a commotion. But he was still dizzy. Lapinette beat a rhythm on the inside of the jar. "Let me out. Let me out." The Wabbit shook the jar but it made matters worse. He was aware there was someone behind him and he was aware it was Wabsworth, but he couldn't get a handle on the situation. In fact, he could barely talk. Wabsworth snapped his fingers and clapped his hands, but the Wabbit was robotic. "You have three wishes" croaked the Wabbit. He waved his paws. Wabsworth yelled at him. "Let go of the jar, Wabbit!" The Wabbit let go of the jar and it fell and rolled. "Aaaagh," yelled Lapinette as she rattled round the jar. "Two wishes left," groaned the Wabbit. Wabsworth closed up behind the Wabbit and he whispered. "Don't listen to any more wishes until I say so." The Wabbit turned and nodded his head. Then he sat down with his paws at his side. "I'm confused," he moaned, "and I wish I'd never seen that jug." Wabsworth smiled. "You're the genie apparently - and as such, you don't get wishes. But I do." The Wabbit slumped. Wabsworth leaned very close to him. "Now listen. I wish you to transfer my last wish to Lapinette inside the jug." A weight dropped from the Wabbit shoulders. "I cannot deny your second wish." He waved at the jug. Lapinette shook. The Wabbit saw her lips move. Vapour shot from the neck as Lapinette materialised on the path ...

3. Lapinette and the Double Summoning

Lapinette hopped along the riverbank enjoying the day, when she caught sight of a jug skimming the river. "Something to do with a gala," she thought - and she gave it scant attention, until the jug bounced in from the water and followed her up the steps. She frowned. "Litter louts," she murmured and made to pick it up. But every time she drew close, the jug rolled away until it was just out of reach. There was something inside that made a squeaky sound. "Gesh me ush. Gesh me ush." It sounded like a voice and there was something familiar about it. And there was something familiar about the contents. "Maybe it's the colours," she thought. The jug rolled closer and she bent down to peer inside. "It looks like a miniature version of the Wabbit!" she exclaimed. "Ush ush ush!" squealed the voice. She grasped the jug on both sides and what's when the trouble started. Vapour poured from the neck of the jug. Lapinette felt strange. Her legs turned to jelly and the world span round. She felt her head with paws that somehow looked like smoke but there was no head to feel - only vapour. With a hiss, all the vapours met. And just at the instant she was drawn into the jug, she saw the Wabbit take shape. He was standing on the path, just where she'd stood a moment before ...

2. The Wabbit and the Flight of the Jug

The jug took off at speed and all the Wabbit could do was peer out. "Wheee!" cried the jug as it span and tumbled. The Wabbit's tummy also span and tumbled. He braced his paws and clung to the slippery sides as best he could. "Where are you going?" he yelled. The jug didn't answer. The Wabbit got angry and he beat a tattoo on the glass. "If I'm your new Genie, I command you to put me down." The jug gave a kind of giggle "That's not the way it works." The Wabbit recognised the Turin skyline. "At least I know where we are," he gasped. Familiar domes sped past as the jug jumped and tumbled. The Wabbit ran his paws all over the glass to see if there was a control panel and at last he found small discoloured ridge. He pressed it. "Ooooh!" cried the jug and it began to fall. "You're going to make an awesome Genie," it shouted. The jug spiralled from the sky. The Wabbit saw the Mole Tower blur past, then streets, then the river. "You'd better prepare for landing," murmured the jug as it scorched along above the river. At this point, the Wabbit had no clue about up and down. So he scrunched into a ball and covered his head with his paws. The jug skimmed along the River Po like a bouncing bomb before it rolled to a stop on the bank. "How's your dynamic visual acuity?" asked the jug. "Transient," groaned the Wabbit ...

1. The Wabbit and the Canal Occurrence

The Wabbit was between adventures, so he boarded a train, got off at random and then hopped around. The area was full of canals so he found a towpath and rambled in a carefree fashion. He agreed with himself that it was a very nice ramble. He paused to take in a picturesque scene and drew a deep breath of satisfaction - but there was something in the air. He could smell grass and damp and a bit of diesel - and something else. He spotted a large wine jug on the grass and he swore to himself it wasn't there before. He heard a suspicious hissing so he felt in his fur for his automatic and pulled it out. Then he felt a bit silly because there was no one around. So he pushed it back in his fur. But there was the hissing again. A faint cloud escaped from the neck of the jug, then stopped. It happened again. The Wabbit grabbed his automatic and turned. The grass shimmered and the ground moved beneath his paws and he staggered slightly. He shook his head because he was dizzy and he didn't know why. "What the Binky?" he mouthed. He heard his own voice and it sounded slurred. The cloud got bigger, then contracted and he felt a violent drag on his fur. He lurched towards the container with limbs like jelly as the jug surrounded him with vapour and pulled him in through the neck. Now all he could see was a world of green. "Welcome," said a voice, "You are my new Genie ..."