9. Lapinette and the Lonely Beach

The Wabbit dropped Lapinette onto the beach. Sending her in alone was at least equivalent to a battalion. She let her parachute drop and padded along the beach. Drawing an edged weapon from under her frock, she looked all around. An alien pizza lay just where the waves broke. It looked dead but it was hard to tell since the water swirled it round and round. She poked it. It gasped and lay still.  Lapinette knew there might be more. The Lepus lay on the horizon and it let out a foghorn blast. Lapinette waved her weapon in response and started to run. All around was destruction. Beach huts lay in ruins. Restaurants without roofs and upturned small crafts suggested an attack. She came across a few more dead pizzas. She looked up. The Wabbit circled in the helichopper, ruffling the sea into small seahorse waves. The Wabbit's munitions dump was no longer there, but at the end of the beach lay a sandbank, spiky with splintered wood. She signalled to the Wabbit. His helichopper wheeled and coasted along the seafront. She watched it drop and land. But something made her fur creep and she ran backwards watching the shore. The Lepus fired a warning cannon and it was then that she saw them. Hundreds of them, dripping mozzarella and boiling tomato. They swarmed along the beach like sea turtles. Lapinette started to sprint ...

8. Skratch and the Guided Landing

The Wabbit said follow the Pizza Star. Susan and Skratch did exactly that. They followed through the night and early in the morning found themselves above Testaccio Market. Terni the Dragon circled. It was his territory and he'd kept it clear of alien pizza. Wabsworth emerged from the market and waved his batons. "Steady now," he yelled. "Slow down and stop," he signalled. Susan screeched to a halt. Shoppers paid little attention. One of them said, "Take no notice, it's only Skratch the Cat in a biplane." Terni landed to the rear. Skratch jumped out. "What's with the Pizza Star?" Wabsworth tucked his batons into his fur. "It's not a star, it's an automated space beacon." Skratch looked up. "Is it armed?" "Oh yes," said Wabsworth, "Lasers." The Pizza Star spun in the sky and made off. Terni belched a stream of flame. "The alien pizzas are gathering off the coast. They're planning something. The Wabbit said to meet at the old bunker." Wabsworth and Skratch jumped into the biplane. Susan taxied and took off steeply. Terni swooped in and took the lead. "Susan. Follow that dragon," said Wabsworth. They streaked across the sky. The Pizza Star sparkled and whirled. Terni set the sky on fire. Susan looped the loop. "Do you think they'll know we're coming?" said Skratch.

7. The Three Muses and the Pizza Star

When the Pizza Star appeared in the sky, the Wabbit said follow it. So Tipsy and the rest of Lapinette's personal guard set off in pursuit. Tipsy summoned Baekho the Tiger and he was only too pleased to go along. On Baekho's back and with her eyes on the star, Tipsy led the way. "Shall we sing?" said Fitzy. "We're obliged to chant," replied Mitzy. "May I join you?" growled Baekho. He placed one paw in front of the other and as the star moved, he padded gently along. "Follow the star," chanted Tipsy. She groped for her hip flask. Her knees gripped Baekho's flanks. "We come from afar," sang Mitzy. She jumped in the air.  "No-one knows exactly who we are," growled Baekho. The pizza star shimmered and sparkled in the cold evening air. Tipsy urged Baekho forwards and he padded faster until he was at more of a gallop. The pizza star moved rapidly in the sky towards Rome. Mitzy and Fitzy began to run like Alpini, then vaulted onto Baekho's back behind Tipsy. Baekho's paws left the ground and he bounded into the sky. Gradually they all vanished, leaving only a few things behind - an enigmatic tiger smile and the faint smell of whisky. The pizza star guided the muses on their way across the sky astride their tiger steed. Only a favoured few saw their trajectory and they followed too ...

6. Terni and the Curious Smell of Pizza

Terni the Food Dragon was in charge of Rome air space and he monitored continuously. So when he smelled an over-abundance of the intoxicating oudor of pizza, he wheeled in the sky, peeled and plunged. Alien pizzas were trying to take over Largo Argentina and they whirled like hot, demented helicopters. Mozzarella dripped, olives flew like bullets. The square's resident cats screeched and scattered in all directions. Terni had the alien pizzas in his sights but they moved fast. He belched flame and winged one. There was some smoke. The smell of cooked pizza covered the area. Terni soared into the air then turned and plunged down again but the pizzas were fast as mosquitoes. Terni was a food dragon so he doused them in burning oil. The pizzas fried crisp but somehow they kept gyrating. Then they made sounds like a thousand car alarms - in a unified piercing shriek that bent the trees. Even Terni winced but he was determined. He charged his flames to super oven bake and threw everything he had. One by one the pizzas burst into flames. Olive stones whizzed past, hot as fiery coals. Strips of Mozzarella lay blackened on the grass. Tomato pulp hit the trees and dripped bubbling down the bark. Charred toast clung to branches. Terni hovered as cats returned to lick the mozzarella. "The Commander better hurry," he thought, "I deep fried the alien pizzas for now but things are getting a little too hot around here..." He sent a mental message though the ether. "Bring spatulas!"

5. The Wabbit and the Passing Pizzas

The Wabbit and Lapinette speeded to their winter retreat out on the Po Delta. There they would make plans to counter the alien pizzas. The Wabbit hurled the jeep along an icy road and muttered about the Devil's Elbow in Scotland. Lapinette clung on and grinned ear to ear. "What's that?" muttered the Wabbit. A garish disc flashed past on the driver's side. Another followed it on the passenger side. The discs emitted a whining sound, a bit like a pierced haggis. Lapinette looked back. They disappeared into the trees then whirled back. "I think they beat us to it," growled Lapinette. "They just can't be topped?" smirked the Wabbit. He put his foot to the floor and the jeep slalomed along the ice. The pizzas faded into the distance. Lapinette tapped the windshield. "Where do you think they're they from?" The Wabbit thought for a minute. "The Coma Cluster is far away." The jeep hit snow and the sound was like a dog crunching biscuits. The Wabbit changed gear and sped on. "Maybe they came out a black hole?" suggested Lapinette. "A black hole in a black sock?" quipped the Wabbit. Two more pizzas dived out the sky and skimmed along the treetops. They were muddy red with a dull green trim. "That one's called Basil!" sneered Lapinette. "And the other one's Tom," said the Wabbit. Lapinette snorted. "They want a piece of us." "But we won't deliver," laughed the Wabbit ...

4. The Wabbit and the Dragon's Message

The Tiger stuck with the Wabbit and Lapinette and that was just as well. They would need all the help they could get. Terni the Food Dragon swooped out of the sky as only a dragon could - and then the radio crackled. "Emergency, emergency" yelled Terni. Lapinette answered and then threw the radio to the Wabbit. "It's yours Commander." The Wabbit listened to the tale and relayed it all round. "Rome is sunder threat." Lapinette shrugged. "It's Christmas. Rome is always under threat at Christmas." The Wabbit nodded and the tiger shoved his head over his shoulder. "Rome is being attacked by pizzas." Lapinette laughed. She knew the Wabbit liked Roman pizzas the best. He scoffed at Turin pizzas describing them as clunky-heavy. Neapolitan pizzas were vaguely tolerable as far as he was concerned, but Roman pizzas were thin and light and tasty. "The Wabbit shook his head and continued. "These are giant pizzas, possibly from outer space. They ravage the suburbs looking in dustbins for extra toppings." Lapinette scowled. "Yukkedy yuk." Baekho the Tiger growled. "May I help you eradicate this alien menace?" The Wabbit grinned ear to ear. "The more the merrier. Let's get the team together." The radio crackled again. "I'll monitor the activities of these hooligans," said Terni, "See you at the other end." The air turned red with flame and he was gone ...

3. Tipsy and the Ride of the Tiger

The Wabbit and Lapinette encouraged the tiger to accompany them. Late in the evening and somewhat incognito, they hopped through the porticos with not a soul around - until an ear splitting shriek of delight cut through the quiet. Tipsy lurched out from a late night bar and with a single bound, she mounted the back of the tiger and urged him forward. Tipsy was one of Lapinette's personal guard and couldn't be argued with. "What's your name, tiger monshter?" she yelled. The tiger stopped and broke into several grins. "Baekho," he said. Then he bounced up and down. "Ride 'em cowgirl! Turn and burn," shouted Tipsy. She gripped what there was of Baekho's mane and held tight. Baekho swivelled, bucked and lurched to either side, but he couldn't unseat Tipsy. "I do like you," he growled, "What's your name, warrior?" The Wabbit couldn't believe his eyes. Lapinette hopped in the air and started to laugh. "I'm Tipshy," slurred Tipsy. "I don't believe you," said Baekho. Tipsy slid down from his back and sauntered up to the Wabbit. "I thought you said there was a monshter in town." The Wabbit nodded his head and pointed at Baekho. "That's a pusshy cat," scoffed Tipsy. "Prrrrr," said Baekho, "I can shape-shift you know." Tipsy quickly jumped back on. Baekho began to disappear and so did Tipsy. Shortly, only big smiles remained - and one of them was Tipsy's ...

2. The Wabbit and the Eyes of the Tiger

The Wabbit and Lapinette followed the roaring sounds. The streets were deserted and it was easy to trace the hubbub to the river. Now another noise joined the roaring. A siren shrilled continuously and Lapinette covered her ears. They rounded the corner. The Wabbit stuck his paw through the open window of an abandoned police car and turned the siren off. "Phew," said Lapinette. Her ears quivered. But now they could hear roaring again. "Looks like we've tracked the monster," said the Wabbit. Along the river embankment strolled a strange tiger. It had a nonchalant gait and seemed to be grinning. Every time its giant feet hit the road, it let out a mighty roar and its eyes flashed. "I know of that tiger," breathed the Wabbit. "Did it come to tea maybe?" quipped Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head. "No, it arrived here with Puma." The tiger strolled past the police car. The Wabbit whispered in Lapinette's ear. "Who went in the tiger's den and came out alive?" Lapinette shook her head. "The tiger," replied the Wabbit. The tiger turned. "That's not funny. Are you my prey, rabbits?" The Wabbit tapped the hood of the car and laughed. "You got the wrong rabbits." Lapinette pointed along the embankment. "The rabbits you seek are elsewhere." The tiger smiled a rueful smile. "Well, they don't look like you." "Spiky ears and of ghastly visage?" asked Lapinette. The tiger nodded. The Wabbit hopped forward. "What did they do to you?" "Nothing," said the tiger, "they just get on my nerves."

1. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Monsters

Lapinette caught up with the Wabbit at Spezia Market. "Wabbit! Wabbit, have you any news?" The Wabbit was between missions and there was no news. So he shrugged. "Do you have any news?" Lapinette hopped up and down. "There's usually news by this time." The Wabbit hadn't a clue. But he knew it was getting close to Christmas. "News of the monster?" "Yes," shouted Lapinette. She waved her paws in excitement. "Coming over the hill?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes, yes," shouted Lapinette. "No, I haven't," said the Wabbit. Lapinette laughed a bit and pirouetted. "The monster is late?" Now the Wabbit laughed. "Do monsters have a timetable?" Lapinette nodded. "They do and one usually makes an appearance about now." The Wabbit took Lapinette by the paw and led her through the market. "We'd better keep an eye open then. How monstrous do you want your monster?" Lapinette had to hop at speed to keep up with the Wabbit. "Monstrous enough," said Lapinette, "but capable of being recuperated." The Wabbit turned. "Any particular locale where monsterising takes place?" Lapinette looked him straight in the eyes and swept a paw back and forth. "All across the land!" The Wabbit thought very, very hard until he could visualize the monster. The noise was sudden. They both heard an enormous roar. People ran to and fro. "Right on cue," murmured Lapinette ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit insisted on Eataly for the Adventure Caffè and they all arrived at more or less the same time. Lapinette was happy to see the Wabbit was in such a good mood - especially as someone had taken his favourite seat. She bounced in the air and yelled, "Where's Skratch?" They heard a long meaow as Skratch approached. "Here I am, fashionably late as usual." The Wabbit turned. "I can't ask you what kind of story that was, since it was your story." Skratch laughed. "Well as the storyteller, I should know!" Wabsworth shook his ears. "Some say that prequels and sequels signify the end of story telling itself" Lapinette giggled. "Then I await the end of story telling with optimism." Skratch brushed all this baiting aside with a wave of his paw. "It's the signification of after the end - and the beginning of the end of the start." The Wabbit looked to see if his seat was available. He shook his head. "Analeptic continuation," he murmured. "Gerard Genette," nodded Lapinette. "The backward continuation works its way upstream," agreed Skratch. "Everything does," smiled Wabsworth. His android circuits hummed merrily. Skratch wasn't so certain. "I reconfigured Puma's story through memory." "Maybe he should tell his own story," said Lapinette. "Maybe he should," growled Puma.
[Thanks to:  "The Promised End" of Cinema: Portraits of Cinematic Apocalypse in 21st Century Shakespearean Cinema. Carolyn Jess-Cooke]

4. Skratch and the Call of the Wild

"Things went OK for quite a while," said Skratch. The Wabbit leaned forward to listen. Skratch's face was a feline delight as he recalled the sessions he'd spent with Puma in the grounds of the Old Abandoned Hospital. "Puma roamed at will, just as he had in his native Patagonia. He climbed trees, swam the river - and he explored the basements of the old buildings." He paused and crossed his legs over his tail. "But it couldn't go on forever. People were starting to notice. Puma told me tales of a photographer who prowled the grounds with heavy equipment, looking for him. Time was running short." The Wabbit chortled. "Now that sounds familiar." Skratch laughed a hollow laugh. "It was when you appeared. You thought I was poaching." The Wabbit smiled a rueful smile. "Yes, I meant well - but I was the cause of that awful event with the Forestry Policeman." "What happened to him in the end?" asked Skratch. The Wabbit burst into helpless mirth, "I heard he was eaten by badgers." "Serve him right," scowled Skratch. He growled for a while. "Well - you know the rest, Wabbit. You found Puma a berth up in the Superga Hills and gave him a good cover story." The Wabbit waved a paw. "I don't think the wild boars were very happy, but you can't please everyone. Where is Puma by the way?" "Behind you," growled Puma ...

3. Skratch and the Vanishing Creatures

The Wabbit leaned back in his seat to hear the next part of Skratch's story. This happened in a place he knew quite well and it was so long ago that everything had now completely changed. Skratch purred. "I thought I'd locate the creatures in a pet shop with which I had an arrangement and I wore a Blue Cross t-shirt for authenticity." The Wabbit laughed because he knew all about Skratch's arrangements and disguises. "We were waiting for the shop to open," meaowed Skratch, "when the oddest thing happened." Now the Wabbit wanted to giggle because the story was already very odd indeed. "A flying pig appeared," continued Skratch, "We all looked up. The Chinese fighting pig explained it was his Uncle Wang Xiu Wing - and off he went on his back." The Wabbit chortled. "So now the creatures were down to two." "Not for long," smiled Skratch, "Both Puma and I were gazing at the tiger and suddenly he vanished, leaving only a triple smile." "Like the Cheshire Cat," murmured the Wabbit. Skratch grinned mightily and went on. "It was then that the puma turned to me and observed that you don't see that sort of thing every day." The Wabbit beamed. "What did you do then?" Skratch made an expansive gesture. "Puma asked me if there was a forest anywhere nearby with a wild flowing river. I told him I there was something of the kind." Now the Wabbit felt he'd caught up with the story. "So you took him to the Old Abandoned Hospital?" "The very place," nodded Skratch ...

2. Skratch and the Captured Creatures

Skratch began to tell his tale and it was a strange one. "I heard the creatures were being held in a building as yet unopened. No one had ever seen them - but rumors flew like birds from a cage." The Wabbit settled back to be entertained. Skratch continued. "I watched the building, day and night without success. But one night a service lift dropped down and crates were shipped onto a van." Skratch meowed softly. "It was my chance. So I slipped in as they slipped out. The lift took me up to a high floor and I prowled onto a balcony." The Wabbit couldn't wait. "What was there?" Skratch took a deep breath. "It was quite a sight. There were plants and shrubs - it would have been nice except for the barbed wire." The Wabbit scowled. "Then it was a prison?" Skratch hissed. "It was and there were three creatures there - a puma, a tiger and a Chinese fighting pig." The Wabbit waited with baited breath. "They knew I was there," said Skratch, "but they made no sound. They didn't want to give me away. Then the puma spoke in a whisper. 'Are you here to liberate us?'" The Wabbit was agog. "How did you answer?" Skratch held up a paw. "I said nothing. I just dropped down and beckoned. Then they followed me up the stairs, into the lift and out." The Wabbit was impressed. He nodded his head with vigor and asked, "You avoided capture?" Skratch's teeth flashed. He grinned as only a cat can. "Those that saw us thought they'd had too much to drink - and probably they had. So together we made our way down Corso Inghilterra and beyond ..."

1. The Wabbit and the Curious Tale

The Wabbit was between missions and as usual he was at a loose end. So he was delighted to see Skratch at a cinema exhibition. He crept up behind him and touched his tail. "Eeek" yelled Skratch. His tail quivered and his ears went pointy. "Oh it's you, Wabbit," he gasped, "I thought it was the Curse of the Cat People." The Wabbit giggled helplessly. "I need to be entertained, and who better than you?" Skratch grinned. "Is it worth a significant lunch?" The Wabbit tugged at his tail and led him to a seating area decked out as a Belle Epoch caffè. "It is worth more. Much more," he murmured. When they were comfortable, the Wabbit leaned forward. "Tell me all about Puma. I'm really a bit hazy about how you came by him." Skratch meaowed. "It's quite a story." "Humour me," said the Wabbit. Skratch crossed his legs on top of his tail. "Puma came here somewhat against his will." He meaowed for effect and continued. "A group of inept and rather minor mafia sorts thought they could avoid the severe penalties on dog fighting by using other animals." "Do go on," smiled the Wabbit. "So they assembled quite a menagerie," said Skratch, "which they then tried to hide: A puma, a tiger and a pig." The Wabbit tutted in disapproval. "Sounds difficult." Skratch let out a long triumphant meaow. "That's how I heard about it - and so I hatched a plan to relocate the animals." "For a small profit no doubt," grinned the Wabbit. "Let's call it a finder's fee," smiled Skratch ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at a favourite caffè in Piazza Giambattista Bodoni - and waited for Skratch. They didn't wait long. "Oh look! It's Skratch the Cat," shouted a man. "Ciao Skratch!" yelled a woman. Lapinette turned as customers welcomed the approaching figure. Skratch took a seat. "You're popular," observed the Wabbit. Skratch meaowed. "Must have been my popular lecture series." Lapinette twitched enquiring ears. "Foregrounding factors in signification," explained Skratch. Everyone applauded but the Wabbit tapped the table. "So tell us, Skratch. What kind of adventure did we just have?" Skratch laughed. "I'm tempted to say it was about the semiotics of light." Wabsworth nodded sagely. "My thoughts exactly. Typically absurd, the adventure's narratology configured around light itself." Lapinette rummaged under her frock for a spare copy of Samuel Beckett's Comment c'est, L'image, which she kept for reading emergencies - and lifted a paw. "The light followed, illuminated and ultimately reversed the adventure's absurdist flow." Wabsworth laughed heartily. "So the Wabbit would like to be indifferent to the universe, but the universe is not indifferent to him." The Wabbit nodded his head in agreement. "I think I'm somewhere between being and nothingness." He pointed at the empty tray and then raised a paw for service. "And only halfway to an aperitivo."