2. The Wabbit and the Banister Rail

The Wabbit and Lapinette forgot all about the talking beam on the river and went to the movies. But when they came out, the Wabbit stooped to examine a banister rail. "It's a good thing all wood doesn't talk." He shook it until the supports rattled. "Can I help you find your way out?" said the rail. Lapinette looked at the rail in a quizzical way. "How many are you?" The Banister shook himself. Light glistened from his varnish. "Many? Why?" came the response. The Wabbit tapped the rail lightly with a paw. "We met one of your number down on the river." "Him!" yelled the rail, "Is he still floating around?" Lapinette smiled. "He's on his way to Venice?" The rail almost arched in the air. "He's never gone further than the weir. He's a layabout. A rough sort." The Wabbit and Lapinette looked at each other and winked. "Oh, you don't believe me?" The rail shook with anger. "He's not like us. We're carefully-prepared ... and delicately moulded." The Wabbit hopped back and caught Lapinette's eye. He gestured to the stairs with his ears. "Urgent appointment," he said. But the banister rail wouldn't stop. "I've met film stars you know. William Shatner ran his hand along my varnish." "Me too," said Lapinette. The Wabbit hopped forward again and dragged Lapinette by the paw down the stairs. "I go all the way down!" yelled the rail. The Wabbit and Lapinette ran across the foyer and into the street. "That banister better belt up," shouted the Wabbit, "or he's dead wood!"

1. The Wabbit and the Floating Beam

The Wabbit wandered along the riverside and then wandered back to the jetty. He was in deep contemplation, as was his way between missions. "Hello Wabbit! That ol' riverboat don't go nowhere no more." The Wabbit laughed. "Hello Lapinette. I know, I was just thinking about a swim." Lapinette giggled. She knew the likelihood of the Wabbit plunging into the Po was slim as a cigarette paper. "Water's looking a bit murky today," she observed. The Wabbit nodded because it was none too clean. "I was watching bits of debris floating past." He gestured at the river. ".. and to each piece I attached one of my problems." Lapinette nodded sagely and listened. "Then," said the Wabbit, "I watched them until they passed out of sight on their way to Venice." Lapinette raised an eye. "How long would they take to get there?" "It depends," grinned the Wabbit, "maybe a week." "So no problem," shrugged Lapinette. The water behind them swirled. Something clunked on the jetty steps. "It takes longer than that," said a voice. The Wabbit didn't look round but Lapinette did. "That floating beam spoke!" The Wabbit started to hop away. "Everyone's a critic," he sighed. But Lapinette persisted. "Are you flotsam or jetsam?" The beam bobbed up and down on the eddies, displacing tiny bubbles. "Neither. I am my own wood." The Wabbit grunted and turned to look. The beam floated out midstream and called. "Do you have a problem?" The Wabbit winked and grinned. The beam returned inshore. The Wabbit leaned down and hissed, "Problem is my middle name..."

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The team met in Piazza Carlo Felice at a caffè they'd seldom visited. It was a little chilly that day, but no one cared. "Where's Skratch?" asked the Wabbit. "Behind you," meaowed a voice. Lapinette laughed. "Cats stroll in when they like." Skratch vaulted the rope barrier, took his seat and meaowed again. "So what was that for a sort of adventure?" Wabsworth wanted to be the first to comment and he'd spent the best part of his android day, speed reading a whole film library. "It was an adventure that specified the ultimate in antinomies, the struggle between good and evil." Lapinette nodded. "That signifies an emotional semiotic system, reified by way of names." Skratch nodded sagely. "Fredric Jameson does suggest that, but I felt that the adventure embodied a formal subversion often typified by nouvelle vague." "Structural or stylistic?" murmured the Wabbit. "In realism?" asked Wabsworth. Everyone could hear his circuitry whirring. "In Godard," responded Skratch. Wabsworth's circuits stopped buzzing and he launched himself forward. "The adventure was a most strident hyper-realism, which codified fundamental antinomes." Skratch laughed. "Aha! It was through comedy then, that motivation, plausibility and belief were all dramatically confronted and transmuted." The Wabbit broke into an enormous grin. He leaned back and whistled. "So it was good then ..?"

The Wabbit's Hallowe'en Surprise

The Wabbit turned up slightly early for his Hallowe'en get together. This time he was ready. He'd brought his axe and a small gizmo that made his voice warble. He decided to practice. "I aaaam the Bunneemaaaan!"  His voice echoed across Pluto Park in a very spooky manner. The echoes died away. He ran his paw across the axe blade. It was suitably blunted for the occasion and presented little danger. "Bunneeeemaaaan!" The voice came from behind the Wabbit - and even though he knew it might be a trick, his blood ran cold. He decided to play along. "No! I am the Bunnyman!" he yelled and he turned. But there was his doppelganger, dumping the axe head on the ground. Up and down it went, making a hollow rapping noise on the concrete. The Wabbit drew a breath. He wished he'd brought a sharp axe, but reached for his automatic instead. It wasn't to be found and he cursed. Way above his head and deftly hidden in the mural, Lapinette stifled a giggle. Skratch dug her in the ribs. He meaowed softly all the same and Wabsworth sniggered. The Wabbit's ears twitched. "I smell a rat," he said firmly, "That's a cardboard cut out!" But with a sudden lunge his double tore towards him. The Wabbit turned to run, but he lost his footing and fell. That was when his tormentors took pity and came down from their hiding place. But the double's eyes flashed and the heavy axe smashed down. Lapinette gasped in horror. A shot rang out. The double dropped. The Wabbit picked himself up and tucked his automatic into his fur. "Good working model," he said. "That's not our model," said Lapinette. "No. It's mine," grinned the Wabbit, "I changed it ..."

14. The Wabbit insists on a Devil's Coda

"I rather insist on a coda," said the Wabbit. "I absolutely agree," said Lapinette. The Wabbit pointed. "I think that's the door," he muttered. "Who the devil's going to clear up?" asked Lapinette. "I'll have a word with the cleaning staff," grinned the Wabbit. "They'll want a bonus," replied Lapinette. "They'll deserve one and they'll get a good one," agreed the Wabbit. He grabbed what was left of the door and opened it for Lapinette. "So our ghostly priest dispatched the cultist who murdered him?" said Lapinette. "Straight over the balcony in Episode Eight," smiled the Wabbit. "Yes," said Lapinette, "We flushed 'em out." "And he did the deed," nodded the Wabbit. "So all's square," said Lapinette. "Hah! Square, frame and order!" The Wabbit winked and continued down the gloomy stairway. Lapinette skipped down the steps after him and sped ahead. Then she turned and called back. "Did we beat the Devil?" "I think we ran faster," replied the Wabbit. "Then we won!" said Lapinette. "We won the heat," laughed the Wabbit, "but the Devil probably wants a replay." Lapinette scurried to the bottom of the steps and about to push open the door. She looked around. "The Devil is persistent, give him his due." Just then they heard a ghastly voice echoing from the walls. "Until the next time, rabbits ...!"

13. The Wabbit and the Marching Priests

"Here we are," said the Wabbit and he pressed a remote control. Lapinette waved the Cultists in with a theatrical signal. A mirrored door opened and through it came the duplicate priests, marching as one. They waved their bibles as they marched and sang in spooky voices that the Wabbit had recorded.  "Oh when the priests! Oh when the priests!" The Wabbit joined in. "come marchin' in." The Satanists of the Rabbit Foot Cult froze, speechless. One by one they sank to their knees. The Priests came closer and closer. They waved their bibles in the faces of the Satanists like Mao Zedong waved his red book. One of the Satanists cried in a feeble voice. "All hail the Rabbit Foot Cult!" A priest whacked him over the head with his bible. Then all the priests moved forward, trampling Satanists underfoot. The Cult lay everywhere on the floor, crying for forgiveness and praising the Lord God Almighty. But the priests continued whacking until all the Satanists were silent. It was carnage. "Wabbit! You can switch them off now," gulped Lapinette. The Wabbit pressed a button and the priests stopped moving. All except for one. He smiled at Lapinette and poked the Wabbit in the ribs. "Thank you both!" He twitched his rabbit nose and made the sign of the cross. "Be seeing you!" Then he began to vanish, just like before. The ears were almost the last to go and they wiggled a farewell. Only the bible remained. The Wabbit picked it up and stuck it in his fur. "Might come in handy." "What about the Cultists' bodies?" asked Lapinette. But when they looked, they'd all but gone.. "Let's get a drink," said Lapinette.

12. The Wabbit's Welcome

The trap was laid. The marks were set up. All the Wabbit and Lapinette needed from the Rabbits Foot Cult was gullibility. A knock came to the old unused door at the back of the building. The Wabbit answered. He led them in to a dark and dingy hall and up a flight of rickety stairs. Even the biggest of the Cult seemed nervous and his followers shook in their cloven hooves. The stairs cricked and creaked. "I don't like the dark," said one. "I don't like rickety stairs," said another. "Shut up," said the leader, "They said we'd be able to drink the blood of virgins." A follower moaned a long moan. "Don't they have anything else?" "You're supposed to be a Satanist!" yelled the leader, "You'll drink it and like it." The Wabbit and Lapinette beckoned them on. "Just a little bit now, not much farther." She scampered up a few more steps. "My hooves hurt," said a Satanist. "Don't worry. I promise you a black mass to remember," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was going to say it would be the party of a lifetime but she thought better of it. "This better be good," said the leader, "I cancelled an important Satanic engagement." "We have goat curry," smiled the Wabbit. "What about bats?" said a Satanic follower. "I hate bats!" said another. "Bats are off," shrugged the Wabbit. "Eek! What's that over there?" said another of the Cult. There was a crash as he stumbled on the stairs. "An in-house ghoul," said Lapinette ...

11. The Wabbit and the Original Copies

The Wabbit worked all night to get the duplicate priests right. They needed to be convincing to scare the Satanists. Lapinette arrived and she was quietly impressed. The Wabbit waved a screwdriver. "I think they'll do." Lapinette poked a priest on the nose. "Do they talk?" The Wabbit fished in his fur for a remote control. "Go in peace, my child," said the Priest. She poked it again and the priest gave a hollow laugh. "Holy Moly," he said. Lapinette wagged a disapproving paw. "Wabbit, you go too far!" She poked another priest. The Wabbit pressed his remote control. "The Lord is your shepherd," uttered the priest. "My shepherd," said Lapinette. "I can't get that one right," scowled the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "OK. So what's the plan?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit suppressed a snigger. "We hide out in the Hall of Mirrors and when the Satanists arrive, the priest replicas will all come in." "They move?" gasped Lapinette. The Wabbit pressed his remote. The priests began walking around. One of them pushed another and the other pushed him back. "They need more work," said the Wabbit. "What next?" asked Lapinette. "They sing, well - chant." Lapinette didn't bother asking, she just waited. The Wabbits 28 teeth glinted in a menacing fashion and he burst into tune. "'I wanna be in that number. When these priests come marchin' in.' and then they clap." Lapinette shook her head and shrugged. "I don't know about the Satanists, but that certainly frightens me."

10. The Wabbit and the Hall of Mirrors

"I think we'll use this," said the Wabbit. "I never knew about this room," said Lapinette. The Wabbit wore half a grin. "No-one comes here, it's too spooky." Lapinette looked around. "Is this the Hall of Angels?" She gave a little shove and the door creaked under her. "The Hall of the Cherubim," said the Wabbit. "What about the Seraphim?" asked Lapinette. "Too much hovering," said the Wabbit. Lapinette made the door creak again. "How do you know where you really are?" "I don't," said the Wabbit, "That's why I hold onto the door." This time the Wabbit made the door creak. Lapinette giggled. "What's the plan?" "The Satanists are coming by invitation." announced the Wabbit, "They won't know where they are. The Cherubim will frighten them." "But they're only paintings, dear Wabbit," said Lapinette. This time she made the door swing wide and the Wabbit clung for dear life in case he got lost. "We'll make the paintings speak and confront their malignosity." Lapinette screamed with laughter. "There's no such word as malignosity." "All the more frightening," sighed the Wabbit. He paused for effect, but Lapinette swung the door and for a moment he found himself outside. He pushed his way back in. "When the Satanist look in the mirrors," he said, "they'll see the rabbit priest they murdered." "How?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit shrugged. "I'll make cardboard cut-outs like you see in the cinema - and attach a motor." "Ghostbots," smiled Lapinette.

9. The Wabbit and the Devil's Door

Safely out of sight, the Wabbit and Lapinette stood with their back to a door. "We need to set a trap for the Rabbit Leg Cult," panted the Wabbit. He knocked on the door just for fun. It made a hollowed out empty sound. "So what attracts a Satanist?" mused Lapinette. The Wabbit didn't have to think. "Hedonism, transgression, energy, and power." "This might the Devil's Den," said Lapinette. She too knocked on the door. She wrinkled her nose. "It smells of mould and sweat." The Wabbit looked at it with more suspicion than a scrap yard dog. "Aha! Definitely where these devils diddle." Lapinette's eyes twinkled. "Let's have a look." The Wabbit stepped back. "Do you have a twenty sided dice?" "Not with me," grinned Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head in disappointment, then span around three times. "Hocus pocus, a plague of locusts. Bim Bam Bom. Open sez me." The door stood where it was. His face fell. "That was my best spell." Lapinette smiled and bowed. Then she unhooked a padlock and slid back a bolt. They heard a voice. "Who goes there?" "Just us mice," said the Wabbit. "Dio Cane!" said an angry voice. "Just advance warning for the Satanist's Rabbit Leg Ball," yelled Lapinette. She nudged the Wabbit and announced directions. "Bring your friends!" shouted the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and Lapinette lose Grip

Morning came - and with it an icy frost that melted quickly in the sun. That was when the Wabbit and Lapinette lost adhesion. One second they were stuck fast and in the next they fell without warning from the wall. The fox waved goodbye. She'd been waiting for breakfast and now she was disappointed. "Yikes!" yelled the Wabbit as he span towards the sidewalk. Lapinette pirouetted gracefully down but she saw some movement out the corner of an eye. It was a Satanist, strolling onto a balcony. Lapinette knew he would raise the alarm, but as she fell she noticed something else. A green figure appeared behind him. It was the rabbit priest. She saw him grab the Satanist round the waist and then with his other paw, give him a mighty push. She heard an anguished cough as the Satanist doubled over the rail. He was about to plunge onto the road but the priest caught him by the leg and dangled him upside down for a moment. He said something, made the sign of the cross - and let him go. The Satanist tumbled onto the road head-first with a splat. The priest vanished. It was all over in an instant and Lapinette found herself on the sidewalk with the Wabbit. They stood and caught their breaths. "What did you see?" asked the Wabbit. "Poetic justice," replied Lapinette.

7. The Wabbit and the Accidental Fox

The Wabbit and Lapinette did what rabbits could do best. They ran for their lives. They scuttled down the staircase, across the courtyard, down the hill and along lonely streets. The city was a ghost. Not a soul had ventured out. But they heard the ghastly cries of Satanic pursuers chase across the roofs - and they were getting closer. Lapinette heard a voice and she slithered to a halt. It was a soft voice and it came from a wall. The Wabbit looked all round. "I can't see anyone." Lapinette looked up. "There's only a picture of a fox." The eyes in the picture moved and looked at them. "Do you need some help?" The sounds of the pursuers got louder. "Why don't you join me on this wall?" said the fox. The Wabbit punted Lapinette up and then jumped as high as he could. They scrabbled to get a grip. "Think mural," said the fox, "think popular art." They found themselves flattened against the wall as if the paint was glue. It was just in time. Their pursuers rounded the corner, their eyes gore-flecked. Cruel talons went snick-snick in the night. Fang-like teeth glinted in the street lights. The corners of their mouths dribbled blood. "Where'd they go?" said one "That way?" shrugged another. The Wabbit and Lapinette prayed they wouldn't look up. "Subway?" suggested a Satanist. "Closed," said another. "Search the block," said the leader. They melted into the night. "How long shall we stay here?" whispered the Wabbit. "Until daylight," murmured Lapinette. "Stay for breakfast," said the fox.

6. The Wabbit, Lapinette and Black Mass

It wasn't too hard for the Wabbit and Lapinette to follow the sound of cloven feet through the dank hallways. Suddenly they were looking down on a vast cavern decked out with all manner of Satanic paraphernalia, "I don't like the look of this," said the Wabbit. Lapinette wrinkled her nose as together they ducked out of sight to watch and listen. Serried ranks of Satanic rabbits marched into the hall. "All Hail, Rabbit Satan!" they yelled. They drew back into two groups as the Grand Master arrived. He was huge and red and altogether unpleasant. He beckoned a Satanic rabbit to come unto him and he hissed in his ear. "You failed to dispense with the rabbit priest that sought to reveal our plans of domination!" The Satanist cowered back. "We pushed him from the parapet, your Imperial Vileness." "He was stone dead," said another. "Dead as a dog that lieth in a ditch," nodded another. The Grand Master roared with fury. "Yet this dead priest sends emissaries to break our balls." He held up his arms and roared. "Find them!" The Wabbit wanted to snicker, but his body convulsed into a sneeze. He tried to smother it by holding onto a railing - but the railing snapped off like a dry twig. The Wabbit tried to grab it but it spiralled down, grazing past the Grand Master's head. "Get that Waaaabbit!" yelled the Grand Master.

5. The Wabbit and the Rabbit Foot Cult

Under the church lay a labyrinth of corridors that smelled of damp and danger. The Wabbit and Lapinette groped their way with caution. They were just following their noses when they came upon a strange room. They looked around. The walls and ceiling were peppered with gloomy artifacts and all the time they could hear the chanting of the rabbit foot cult. They poked here and there but found little that looked like a clue. There were mouse droppings, a bottle opener, three cigarette stubs, and an out-of-date ticket for Black Sabbath. The Wabbit was examining the latter closely when they heard the sound of cloven hooves on the cold stone floors. There was nowhere to hide so the Wabbit gestured for Lapinette to take a vantage point. Then he stood stock still and waited. When the cultists came into the room he waved his arms. "Kneel before me!" he cried, "Kneel before the daemon rabbit." One of them made to kneel, but the other was smarter. "You don't look much like a daemon to me." The Wabbit jeered. "You'll know soon I'm the chosen one. Turn round fast and start to run." "Oh no!" said a cult member and he made for the door. The other shook his head and gestured to Lapinette. "Who's that?" Lapinette hissed through her teeth. "Je suis le reine lézard." The Wabbit nodded. "She's my familiar. She can turn you into a toad." The cultists backed away and out the door. They heard the sound of cloven hooves - running. "J'aime pas les cultistes," hissed Lapinette.

4. The Wabbit and the Secret Order

The church gates were shut and the Wabbit and Lapinette thought that was strange. They'd never known them closed. So the Wabbit picked the lock and together they dragged them apart. They were heavy and stiff. Hinges creaked like an old galleon and the sounds echoed from the roof. Lapinette's ears pricked up. She could hear something else. It was like Gregorian chanting but malevolent. The Wabbit heard it too. It made his fur crawl and he started to itch all over. "I can't make it out," said Lapinette. The Wabbit strained. Then he repeated the words. "Come rabbit with teeth of iron and claws of bronze." Lapinette grimaced. Now she could hear voices cry, "Trample all before you." The Wabbit felt in his fur for his bible. "They're summoning a daemon." The sacristy door opened and a figure swept out. The Wabbit and Lapinette flattened against the gate. "Agents of Rabbit," muttered Lapinette. But this was no ordinary agent. Its ears were Mephistophelean horns, curving and brutal. Its eyes flashed with a ghastly green glow. And as it walked across the nave its cloven feet tapped a merciless devil's jig on the church floor. It seemed to walk towards them but it turned to grasp the metal framework of the gate. There was a flickering and a flash as its cruel shape merged with wrought iron and vanished. The chanting died away. "What do we do now?" grunted the Wabbit. "Pray?" said Lapinette.