3. The Wabbit and the Troubled Priest

The Wabbit and Lapinette decided to track down the strange priest and get the inside story. So they made for the Superga Basilica to hear him say mass. Inside the church, they waited and waited at the back. The mass went on for some time, but there was no sign of the priest. So they hopped outside for a look around. And there he was, looking into the distance. The Wabbit and Lapinette could hear the mass continue from inside, relayed on tinny speakers - and they crept closer. The priest clutched his bible tight and chanted in a ghostly Latin. They listened carefully. "It's the Tridentine mass," whispered Lapinette. The Wabbit raised an eye. "It's the old form," added Lapinette. The Wabbit nodded, because Lapinette seemed to know all about that sort of thing. The priest waved his paws in a blessing and suddenly turned. But he didn't seem to see the Wabbit and Lapinette. He walked right at them - and then through the Wabbit as if he he wasn't there. The Wabbit shivered and his fur tingled, but he beckoned to Lapinette and together they followed as the priest walked towards the church. They could hear him mumbling prayers as he moved straight through closed doors. "Deus, Deus meus: Quare tristes es, anima mea, et quare conturbas me." "He's going to climb the stairway to the tower," said the Wabbit. Lapinette frowned. "Better go after him." They watched the priest mount the narrow spiral stairs and climb half way up. Then they saw him pause and turn. His face was blank as he looked down ....
[O God my God. Why are you so sad my soul, and why do you disquiet me?]

2. Lapinette and the Rabbit of the Cloth

Lapinette was on a routine journey down from the Alpine Museum on Monte dei Cuppucinni when she spied a rabbit priest at the side of the road. He too was making his way down and appeared to be limping. Lapinette braked to a halt and rolled down her window. "May I give you a lift, father?" The priest looked up, nodded his head and climbed in. Then he placed his battered bible on the seat and settled back. Lapinette assumed he was coming from the Chiesa di Santa Maria and going to the centre. She crashed the truck into gear and made her way down the hill. "Where are you going, father?" she asked. "The Church, my Captain," said the priest. Lapinette wasn't in any way a captain - but she smiled and took a right fork towards Superga. Of all the churches she knew, Superga was the best and besides, she liked the view. "Are you going to say mass, father?" It was around that time, but the priest shook his head. Lapinette felt impelled to make conversation and remembered his limp. "Do you ever get tired of all the work, father?" Oh yes," exclaimed the priest. "Sometimes after a function I just collapse on a chair. I tear off my collar and throw it in a corner and go to sleep." Lapinette smiled. "I suppose you watch a bit of television?" "What is television?" said the priest. Lapinette thought for a second and shrugged. "Radio with pictures." The priest was silent. Then he held up his bible. "I'm nearly here." Lapinette saw the Basilica in the distance. She stopped, leaned across and opened the door. The rabbit priest hopped out and Lapinette watched him hop into the distance. She made a turn, then headed into town ...

1. The Wabbit and the Priestly Passenger

Turin was busy and the Wabbit made slow progress. Finally things came to a standstill. The Wabbit struck a paw on the steering wheel and tried to squeeze his jeep through the traffic. But a figure opened the door, got in and sat next to him. The Wabbit stared at what was clearly a rabbit priest. The priest uttered not a sound, but laid a bible on the seat beside him and settled back. The Wabbit shrugged. "Where are you going, father?" "Please drop me at the next church," said the priest. The Wabbit thought about it. There were churches everywhere in Turin and he was uncertain where the "next church" was. "Did you have any particular next church in mind?" asked the Wabbit. "No," said the priest. The Wabbit shrugged, engaged gear and moved off. The traffic thinned and he moved faster, scanning the road for likely churches. "What about that one?" The Wabbit pointed at a small baroque church on the left. The priest shook his head, so the Wabbit continued. A large basilica loomed into sight. The Wabbit raised an eyebrow. "No," said the priest. The Wabbit sped on. When the Wabbit reached the countryside, the priest gestured for him to stop. The Wabbit coasted to a halt and the priest picked up his bible and hopped out. There was hardly a building in sight, far less a church. The priest set off down the road and into the distance. "Where's your church, father?" shouted the Wabbit. Without looking back, the priest replied, "Everywhere." The Wabbit watched until the priest was out of sight. Then he turned his jeep and drove back to the city ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit leaned on a stacked chair and rapped on the table. "We're too early." Lapinette jumped in the air and flung her paws wide. "I think it's the caffè that's too late." Wabsworth arrived and gave them a friendly wave. "This place never opens on time. I usually go across the road." The Wabbit scowled. "But that's the place you can never get served."  Lapinette laughed and laughed and jumped on the table. Then she pirouetted around and tapped like Ginger Rogers. "Let's all go to the caffè at the corner where it's difficult to pay." The Wabbit turned round to watch Skratch the Cat arrive. Skratch purred loudly. "Interesting adventure you just had, Wabbit!" The Wabbit unstacked a chair and sat down to listen. "I think it was a space western," said Wabsworth. Skratch shook his head. "You can't depend on iconography alone. You may as well rattle some armour and call it Lancelot." Lapinette jumped from the table. "It was dark and glum with nothing to relieve the gloom." The Wabbit grinned widely. "We merely transposed the themes of the existential novel. We went aimlessly around without satisfaction." Lapinette looked around at the caffè. "Maybe this is an existential establishment." "What's an existential drink like?" asked Wabsworth. "Nothing much in it," answered Skratch.

10. The Wabbit and the Stowaway Vole

The Wabbit and Lapinette made a deal with the Vole and they departed with the Agents' craft in tow. But as they broke free from the planet's atmosphere they felt the towline tug sharply. Then it happened again until finally it snapped. "What gives?" said the Wabbit. Lapinette watched the towline dangling in space and she pointed. "It was perfectly secure," groaned the Wabbit. "The rope was. But look!" Lapinette pointed to the enemy craft's porthole. The vole stared out with a toothy grin and he waved. Gradually the craft picked up speed and disappeared behind a nearby planet. The Wabbit was furious. "What about the communications equipment?" Lapinette shrugged. "I disabled everything." The Wabbit struck a paw against the steering wheel. "Have a care, Commander," said Turbina, "That's new from the motor accessories shop in Via Garibaldi." The Wabbit's fur steamed and he stared at Lapinette. "How did you know?" Lapinette grinned a very wide grin indeed and kissed the air. "Never ever trust a vole. Especially one that vole-unteers." The Wabbit disregarded this and looked into space. "Where's he going?" "He's going nowhere," laughed Lapinette, "He'll run out of fuel soon." The Wabbit started to laugh. His shoulders heaved and his side split and he couldn't stop. "What's so funny?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit gave a last chuckle. "The Vole Patrol will pick him up."

9. The Wabbit and the Alley Altercation

The Agents of Rabit were just too stupid or too careless. They cavorted into the alleyway laughing and joking - only to be met with a hail of bullets. "Just wing 'em Lapinette," said the Wabbit. "We want them to tell the tale." Lapinette picked off another Agent, then pushed an extra clip into her automatic. It was fast and furious. Inside Turbina, the vole relaxed and increased the volume on the radio. But then he thought of something and pushed his head out the window. "What about my cut?" But the Wabbit and Lapinette couldn't hear him. Agents bit the dust. "What about the communications equipment?" shouted Lapinette. "It must be in their craft. We'll take it!" yelled the Wabbit. "Can you fix it?" grimaced Lapinette. "I can fix anything," murmured the Wabbit, ".. given time." Lapinette laughed and fired. Another Agent toppled from the rooftop with a cry. It was the last. Turbina started her engine. Bricks toppled from rooftops. The vole shot in the air with surprise as the Wabbit and Lapinette jumped in. "Confiscation time," grinned the Wabbit. The vole snickered and settled between the two of them. "I'm sure that craft is full of succulent roots." If you say so," smiled Lapinette. The blast from Turbina's jet scorched the buildings as she stood on the gas.

8. The Wabbit and the Agent's Vessel

It wasn't hard to find the Agent's mother ship. The Wabbit and Lapinette followed their noses, mostly because the acrid fumes that belched from the craft were smelly indeed. The craft lurched from the ground. They pulled out their automatics. The spaceship coughed and wheezed and finally settled back down. They heard curses from inside. "I told you it needed a service!" yelled an Agent. "It was working this morning," came a reply. The Wabbit gestured to Lapinette. "I'm uncertain why we bothered. We could leave them to blow themselves up." Lapinette giggled and tucked her automatic back in her frock. "Cut out the middle rabbit?" Suddenly the vessel burst into life - and for a few seconds it flew in the air. But it just as quickly crashed down again. Smoke billowed from the hull. They heard shouting and a few curses. The Agents tried again. This time there was less smoke and the mother ship floated about two metres high. Lapinette's ears swivelled to hear any information. "OK," said an Agent, "fly it back to where the Wabbit and his gang hang out." But the vessel wouldn't go any higher. It lurched into the distance, circumnavigating rocks and trees and occasionally bumping on the ground. "I think we'll head them off at the pass," chortled the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the Half Kaboom

There was more than enough explosive - and when it detonated the blast was significant. "Too significant," yelled the Wabbit as his paws left the ground. Lapinette scampered to the left and behind the stonework, but the Wabbit had no choice, He was thrown to the front and the vole quickly followed. Rocks fell all around him but he managed to glance back. The missiles weren't from the explosion. Three Agents of Rabit stood on the parapet, showering them with every stone they could find. It wasn't high tech ammunition but it was effective. "Regroup," yelled the Wabbit. He feinted to the left, rolled and found some cover. The vole rolled too and landed on top of him. "Where did they come from?" shouted the Wabbit. "Must be a second unit," snickered the Vole. Lapinette took a makeup case from her fur and carefully applied various cosmetics. "I hate this rain," she pouted. The rain got heavier and they sheltered as best they could. The Agents hated the rain too and it frustrated their efforts. A bit of moaning floated over the parapet. "Let's go back to the mother ship," said one. "Then we'll come back and mop up." "Achoo," sneezed another, "my paws are all sore from these rocks." "I need an aspirin," said another. The Wabbit grinned and then he grinned again. Turbina's hood appeared out of the rain. "I have hot chocolate," she breathed.

6. The Wabbit and the Vole's Goal

It wasn't far to the Agents' lair. The vole gestured to the cave. "The awful creatures are in there, I can smell them." The Wabbit and Lapinette hung back. "Leave this to us, vole," said the Wabbit. He dug deep in his fur and fished out a largish quantity of explosive. Lapinette grabbed it and inserted a detonator. She was about to throw it down the cave but the vole snatched it. "I'll do it!" He was off before they could do a thing. He scampered up the stone steps and into the shadows. It was then they discerned sinister shapes that could only be Agents of Rabit - and they were much too close. Lapinette drew a breath. The Wabbit clenched his jaw. What happened next took place at lightning speed. With the package of C4 under its snout, the vole reached the top of the stairs. He scraped his claws along the top step. The sound set everyone's teeth on edge. "What's that?" yelled an Agent. "I'm only a vole," snickered the vole. "It's only a vole for goodness sake," said the leader. The vole scampered past and behind them. "Stupid problem pest," grimaced an Agent. The Vole dropped the explosive just behind him. "What the ..." shouted an Agent and he reached out - but it was too late. The vole was a blur as he scampered back. He shot past Lapinette, executed a speedway turn and let out a snicker that echoed down the cave. The Wabbit reached under his fur for the wireless detonation switch and yelled. "All clear! Fire from the vole."

5. The Wabbit and the Interrupted Circuit

The rain gave way to steamy night. Under heavy clouds, the vole led Turbina to what looked like a roughly wired street lamp. "This is what these rabbits erected," he said. The Wabbit climbed the pole and subjected the circuit to an interminable series of tests. "Well?" asked Lapinette. "It's not a lamp, it's a transmitter," said the Wabbit, "and it's a lot more powerful than it looks." Without warning, the array became hot and started to hum. "Yow!" said the Wabbit, "that made my fur tingle." "Mmmm. Let's see," said Lapinette. She fished under her frock and brought out an expandable pole. "Are you going to poke it?" asked the vole. "When in doubt, burn it out," said Lapinette. She poked the array with the pole. Nothing happened. She prodded all around with no results. "Poke it in the middle," said the Vole. Lapinette poked it viciously. There was a flash and a crackle and something arced. Sparks flew. The humming stopped. "That'll keep them busy for a while," laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette folded the pole and jumped to the ground, followed by the vole. Slivers of wood flew around as the Wabbit slid down. "Now I'll take you to their lair," said the vole. "They have a lair?" smiled the Wabbit. "Doesn't everyone?" grinned the vole.

4. The Wabbit, Lapinette and the Vole

Turbina landed on the Planet of the Voles and they clambered out. Rain lashed their fur. "You might have chosen a better landing spot," grumbled the Wabbit. "Security, no tracks," she chortled. She pivoted on the rock and tried to dislodge the Wabbit. The Wabbit clung onto her engine compartment and quietly swore. "Oh look," said Lapinette. "Here's a vole." "There aren't any voles," said the Wabbit, "I made that up." There was a scurrying from under a rock. "I am a vole," grunted a small vole, "did you bring any food?" The Wabbit ducked back into Turbina's cabin for a salad sandwich. Lapinette smiled. "Did you see any wicked looking creatures?" The vole scurried back and forth. "Food first, information later." Lapinette passed a sandwich which the vole devoured in a single gulp. "I saw some hideous rabbits," he spluttered. "And?" inquired Lapinette. "More food!" snapped the vole. The Wabbit's face fell as he passed the last of his sandwiches. The vole snapped them up. "They're a few kilometres south and they have equipment of some kind."  The Wabbit dropped from Turbina with a heavy thump. "Equipment?" The vole shrugged. "I'm just a vole, not an engineer. But it looked like transmission gear." Lapinette reached out and stroked the vole. "Can you take us to them?"  The vole's teeth chattered." "Half of whatever you take from them." "A quarter," offered Lapinette. "A third," said the vole. "Done," said the Wabbit. He pulled out his automatic and turned to go. "But it's only because I like you."
[Vole graphic: Courtesy of Mikhail Kolesnikov and Marina Korobchenko.]

3. The Wabbit and Lapinette Undercover

Planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb was always freezing but the bar was one of the warmest in the galaxy. Leaving Turbina in a rocky rocket park, they stole inside and waited. The Agent on the bar stool got steadily drunker  - and the drunker he became, the more he talked. "We got them this time and I'll get a hefty bonus when we do." The Agent's voice was thick and slurred. Lapinette lurched against the bar and pretended to down cocktails. The Wabbit staggered up and down, reciting poetry and asking for money. Occasionally he burped. The bar belonged to their friend, the Alien Pilot. Information-gathering was his sideline, so all they had to do was listen as he pumped the Agent dry. "What a brilliant plan. Just brilliant." He offered the Agent another drink. "On the house for you and all you Agents on ... ?" The Agent grinned as he slumped against the bar. ".. the Planet of the Voles." The Alien Pilot pushed another glass in the Agent's direction." "Sounds terrific." The Agent smirked. "We have cutting edge reconnaissance equipment." "Squipment is exshpenshive," slurred the Wabbit. "Get that fart smellow another dwink," said Lapinette. The Agent laughed and drank and told the whole bar where the funds came from. He rocked on his bar stool and while he rambled on, Lapinette and the Wabbit crept away. Turbina set course. And when she took off for the Planet of the Voles, the roar of her turbines rattled every glass in every bar on the planet.  The Agent suddenly stiffened. "What's that?" "Mice?" shrugged the Pilot.

2. The Wabbit and the Space to Talk

Turbina the Jet Car sailed up a ramp near Lingotto and just kept going. Lapinette twisted the steering wheel and made vrooming noises. "It's just for effect," she laughed. Turbina shot through a layer of clouds and soon the whole planet was behind them. The windows slid up and the instrument panel changed to something out of Star Trek. Someone in the Space Station looked out with astonished eyes and grabbed a camera, but it was too late. There was a flash and Turbina disappeared. "How fast was that?" asked the Wabbit. "Too fast for numbers," said Turbina. "Where are we going?" asked the Wabbit. "Someplace to talk," replied Turbina. "Super hush hush - ears only," said Lapinette. She tapped the steering wheel lightly. It folded back. Galaxies sped by like soup. "There it is," said Lapinette. "MACS0647-JD," murmured Turbina. "Snappy Scottish name," chuckled the Wabbit. Turbina slowed down.  The Wabbit laughed. "It looks like an electric bar heater from 1952." Turbina glowed red to match. "Perfect." she announced. "No passing trade," grinned Lapinette. "So what's it all about?" shrugged the Wabbit. "Agents of Rabit are planning an all out assault on our communications," said Turbina. She coasted to a stop, switched off the radio and turned off all her lights. The Wabbit's eyes glowed faintly in the dark, as did his 28 teeth. "So let's make a plan," said Turbina ...

1. The Wabbit and the Swift Pick Up.

The Wabbit strolled down Via Nizza with hardly a care in the world, when a fast car mounted the sidewalk and a beautiful rabbit leaned across with a gun in her paw. He'd been wondering about his next mission, but not that hard. "Get in the car," snarled the rabbit. He raised a paw in the air and drawled, "Lapinette, that looks like my gun." Lapinette twirled it round several times and offered it butt-first. "I cleaned it up and replaced the safety catch." The Wabbit shrugged, took the gun and got in the vehicle. "Hello Commander," said the car. Turbina held an impossibly high rank at the Department of Wabbit Affairs. She could talk and fly. And she usually kept a salad sandwich in her glove compartment for the Wabbit, just for a culinary emergency. "I have your orders," said Turbina, "but let's take a little drive first." Lapinette put her foot on the gas, then gunned the throttle and hauled up the handbrake. Turbina swerved through 180 degrees and took off in the direction of the centre. The Wabbit clung on for dear life. Lapinette eyes gleamed and she span the steering wheel. Turbina took a left at Corso Germano Sommeiller on two wheels and briefly left the ground as she flew over the railway bridge. People jumped out the way. "Are we in a hurry?" asked the Wabbit. He tucked his automatic in his fur and peered in the glove compartment. Turbina and Lapinette laughed together. "Just practicing."

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The sun was so bright it bleached the street - so the team found a caffè in the shade and scrunched in. Skratch made a late and fashionable entrance as usual. "Well hello everyone. What sort of adventure did you just get yourselves into?" Wabsworth was the first to comment. He looked directly over the table at Skratch. "It was a no reason kind of adventure. Despite its folk pretensions, it defies categorization." Skratch grinned a mighty cat grin. "That's very critical, Wabsworth. You surely didn't think it was silly." The Wabbit chimed in. "Perhaps it was. But that's not entirely negative. The adventure critiques the story-telling process itself." Lapinette giggled and beat a rhythm on the table. "I think it was wonky intellectualism of the highest order - Arabian Nights for the very highest of high brows." Skratch meaowed. "It was the anti realist nature of the story that rendered it as magical realism. The Wabbit and Wabsworth were arrivistes as much as Aladdin and Sinbad. But this version is as authentic as any ancient Arabian tale." Wabsworth chuckled. "My point exactly. Instability. Entangling displacement. Repetitive motifs." Lapinette laughed. "The story is a folk tale. The tyre is a ring. A ring means a wedding." "With this ring I thee wed," said the Wabbit. He made a circular movement with a paw - and said gravely, "Hoc est corpus meum." "Hocus pocus!" yelled Skratch.