The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team gathered at a caffè on Via Po. It was very quiet. Normally Via Po hustled and bustled - so they were pleased to find a space at a basic caffè, knowing that often they were the best. The Wabbit and Lapinette were first. Before long they heard frantic sounds. Skratch's meaows could be extremely loud and they bounced like bad cheques along the porticos. "What was that for a sort of adventure you just had?" Lapinette turned and meaowed back. "You tell us, Skratch. It's your job." Wabsworth jumped from a tram and stuck his head round a pillar. "I'll tell you if you like!"  The Wabbit waved for everyone to sit down and he called for drinks. Despite his android nature, Wabsworth was in a cheerful mood. "It was strictly comedy and driven by expectation." Skratch grinned an encouraging grin. "The audience feels superior because it knows the introduction of a banana to the plot is automatically funny." Lapinette raised a paw. "The audience recognises the incongruity of the banana as a sign. The banana stands for light hearted madness."  Skratch meaowed long and hard. "The banana is the essence of genial abnormality." The Wabbit gave him a meaningful look. "But what about the vague allusions to the Banana Boat Song?" Skratch laughed. "References to the idiocy of cultural appropriation." The Wabbit nodded gravely. "That's something that drives me bananas."
[Thanks to :  HumorMechanisms in Film Comedy: Incongruity and Superiority, Jeroen Vandaele, Poetics Today, 23:2, CETRA, Leuven]

6. The Wabbit and the Spider's Banana

The Wabbit and Lapinette chased across the city in pursuit of the banana and it brought them right back to Pluto Park. Just when they thought they'd cornered it, it kept slipping from their grasp. It ran them ragged across the whole place and when things finally looked like success, they were exhausted. The banana however remained unflustered. "Where's Duetta?" yelled Lapinette. "I'm here," said a voice. Marshall Duetta Spyder rounded a corner and watched with amusement. "That's my banana!" Duetta rattled her legs. The banana danced wildly in the air. Lapinette made one last attempt to grasp it, but there was no need because the banana settled on one of Duetta's legs. Then Duetta began to sing a song. "Well I'm loadin' de banana boat all night long." The banana sung too. "Dah dah light and me wan' go home." Duetta rattled and responded. "When I get some money, gonna quit so soon," he sang. The banana stretched, relaxed and went to sleep. Lapinette gazed at the sight. "Your banana?" Duetta hissed and cackled. "Every spider should have a banana." The Wabbit tried to sound stern. "That banana caused a lot of trouble." Duetta shuffled to the side and back again. "OK. I'll take responsibility for the fruit." "You better had," said Lapinette, "he's driven us bananas." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "Now I feel like going on a bender. So let's split."

5. The Wabbit & the Flight of the Banana

The Wabbit and Lapinette were up at daybreak to continue the search for the disordered banana. They'd had a call about a sighting from Eataly, the food concern at Lingotto - and round the back they spotted it. It was squirming under a fence and into a building site. It was moving fast and seemed intent on something. The Wabbit scaled the fence and began to drop down the other side. Lapinette stayed where she was in case the banana decided to double back. The Wabbit muttered a curse as he snagged his fur on a spike. "You need your safety helmet!" joked Lapinette. "And boots and Day Glow fur," smirked the Wabbit. The banana scuttled along the fence, taking them both by surprise. "It's almost as if it wants us to follow it," observed the Wabbit. "What in the world for?" murmured Lapinette. "What do bananas really want?" laughed the Wabbit. "Their own Republic?" suggested Lapinette. The Wabbit dropped down the fence and dusted his fur. Then he watched the banana explore the building site. It poked in every corner and crevice. It slithered into heavy plant vehicles and out again. Finally it climbed a mound of rubble and sat at the top. The Wabbit shrugged. "No-one around to trip up?"  Lapinette nodded. "Look Wabbit, this shouldn't be difficult. It's only a one banana problem." The Wabbit thought for a moment. "Then let's call Duetta the Spider. Spiders know all about bananas."

4. The Wabbit and the Stealthy Banana

The Wabbit entered the church but of the banana there was no sign. He could see Lapinette - and although she appeared to be kneeling in reverence at the altar, she was looking all around. The Wabbit spoke in a hushed voice. "What's the deal with the yellow thing?" Lapinette was still, but ever watchful. She spoke in a low tone. "It's a banana and it's out of control." The Wabbit grinned. Lapinette frowned. "It's been tripping people all around the city." "Very annoying," whispered the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "It nearly caused a major accident at the Porta Susa Bridge Club." The Wabbit felt his insides shake with mirth but he held it in. Lapinette continued. "There was an incident at the Sardinian's Gramsci Club and several participants were disturbed at the Octogenarian Writing Centre." "That won't do," agreed the Wabbit. He cast around to locate the offending banana. Lapinette was staring at the face on the wall. "The face! I saw the eyes move." The Wabbit shrugged and drew a breath. "For goodness sake, don't tell anyone. The place will be completely mobbed." Lapinette kept staring at the eyes. They were definitely moving and she followed their direction. "There's the banana!" "Where?" asked the Wabbit. "On your fur," shouted Lapinette. "Aaaagh!" yelled the Wabbit. His paws flailed and the banana streaked out of the church.

3. The Wabbit and the Yellow Menace

The scuttling creature doubled back and took the Wabbit by surprise. It got under his feet and he lost his balance and flew in the air. His automatic flew out of his paw. He bounced from the wall and then crashed on the ground.  But the creature hadn't finished. It got under his feet again. The Wabbit slipped, turned a cartwheel, then somehow got up straight. A bullet flew past and hit the wall behind him. He felt pieces of brickwork spatter his fur. The creature slid up his leg and got into his fur. Then it slithered up the wall and back. He could smell it and it smelled strange. "It smells like ... a banana," thought the Wabbit. But his foot went from under him and he bounced from the church stairway. Now he'd cut his leg and he was angry. There was another shot so he crouched on the paving.  But still the creature kept coming. A bullet grazed the yellow skin and the creature yelped. That was when it bit him. The Wabbit growled as he kicked the creature as hard as he could. It skidded along the paving and then disappeared round a doorway. He heard Lapinette calling. "I'll get him!" He heard more shots. Massaging a painful leg, he groped along the paving for his automatic. Then he tucked it in his fur and tumbled through the door, yelling, "Leave some of him for me!"

2. The Wabbit and the Upper Heights

The Wabbit saw no sign of Lapinette from the walkway, but he could hear sporadic gunfire. So he climbed to the roof of the Santo Volto Church. It was a cumbersome climb. Despite everything he accomplished it with speed - but just as his paw reached over the parapet, another shot rang out. His head swiveled. He caught sight of Lapinette firing at something or someone on the roof of an adjacent building. A bullet ricocheted from a chimney and then Lapinette vanished. The Wabbit hopped to the edge of the church building and judged the distance. He shook his head. Even if he made a super jump he knew he couldn't reach the opposite roof. There was no option but to drop to ground level and hare across Via Nole. He was just about to return the way he came when he heard a noise and another shot. The sounds were getting closer, so he decided to stay where he was and watch. Something scuttled across the church courtyard. It was fast and the Wabbit couldn't really see what it was - but whatever it was scuttled back. Now the Wabbit could make out Lapinette edging round the corner of the church. He saw her run in pursuit. The Wabbit shrugged and dropped over the edge to a window halfway down. Then he jumped the rest, shrunk into the brickwork and waited.

1. The Wabbit and Target Practice

The Wabbit was between missions and as usual he was bored - although he preferred to think of it as being ennuied. The term had more of an existential ring to it - and in consequence, he felt marginally better. Pluto Park and a bit of target practice would banish ennui and bring him to a state of existential dasein. He lifted his automatic and looked down the barrel. "I'll be in the world," he thought, "and experience the temporality of existence." Using a dead rabbit's paw shooting deck and a steel target for safety, he lined up carefully and fired several shots. All of them hit the designated targets and made a healthy ping. The Wabbit shrugged. Another wave of ennui swept over him. The Wabbit seldom resorted to weapons, but he did enjoy weaponry skills. He sighed, because on this occasion he needed more of a challenge. He lifted his automatic again, then just as he squinted at the target, a shot rang out from behind. He swung around to see Lapinette fire several rounds from her own gun. He couldn't make out a target. Whatever was there was well hidden. He heard her call out, "Get down Wabbit!" and he dropped as a bullet whistled between his ears. He sprawled on the concrete, but the park was open with little cover. The Wabbit scowled. "When I said target practice, I didn't mean me!" He saw Lapinette hopping up a flight of metal stairs onto a walkway and he heard more shots. So he hunched down and loped as fast as he could in pursuit ...

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

The team met with the Wabbit at the Caffè he'd selected and then stood back in horror. "This place is closed," said Wabsworth. "I've never known it open," said Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned long and hard. "I was thinking of buying it." Everyone burst out laughing - including Skratch who was arriving late as usual. "It's awful," meowed Skratch. "Exactly," said the Wabbit, "And that's exactly how we'll market it." "Did he say 'we'?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit waved his paws in excitement. Lapinette sighed, but the Wabbit continued. "We'll open when no-one is really looking - and then when they do take a look it will be closing." Skratch hissed. "Ah. You mean to catch the in-crowd!" "Yes," shrugged the Wabbit, "but we won't let them in." Wabsworth let out an android guffaw. "People will flock, Wabbit. You missed your vocation." Skratch purred in agreement. "That's all very well. But maybe you'd like to know what kind of adventure you just had?" Lapinette cheered. The Wabbit joined in. "It was primarily a discourse of otherness," meowed Skratch. Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "Otherness is a problematic concept. Use of otherness is designed to threaten and frighten." Wabsworth chipped in. "That's alterity. It's a common phenomenon in all societies." The Wabbit nodded his head. "Every other is truly other. But no other is wholly other." "That's Derrida!" yelled Lapinette. "Derrida was other," laughed Skratch.
[The philosopher Derrida is considered the founder of deconstruction as a method of critiquing texts and institutions.]

7. The Wabbit and Carrot Transportation

The effect of the cosmetics was soporific and very quickly the carrots fell fast asleep. That was when the Wabbit had one of his bright ideas. Soon Lapinette and Susan the Biplane were airlifting the carrots, one by one, to the railway. It was the Wabbit's plan to place the carrots on bogies and have them hauled to Parma Freight Village. In his opinion, only in Parma would they would know what to do with over-large talking carrots. In Susan's cockpit, the talk was racy. "Swing that carrot over!" shouted Lapinette. "And lay that carrot down," yelled Susan. She lowered a massive carrot gently onto one of the outbound tracks. Commuters gawped from a high speed train, but they know the ways of the railway were strange indeed and shrugged. The Wabbit saw Wabsworth gesticulating down on the track and he muttered into his walkie talkie. "Left paw down a bit" The radio crackled and whined. "I'm quite used to handling big red carrots," said Lapinette's voice. Susan waggled her wings and released the hoist. The first carrot crashed down on the tracks. Now Wabsworth's voice crackled over the radio. "That carrot nearly hit my foot." Now the Wabbit's radio hissed and hummed. It was Lapinette, cutting through the static. "Did you know 2019 is the Year of the Carrot?" The Wabbit laughed. "I don't carrot all."

6. The Wabbit and the Carrot Market

Wabsworth and Lapinette vanished, leaving the Wabbit just out of sight around the corner. He crouched down and watched as the carrots advanced on the goods. They were clearly delighted. The opened bottle lids and boxes and tried the cosmetics. "Exquisite," murmured the dark carrot. He sniffed long and hard and massaged his skin. Traffic passed in the background but the carrots took no notice. Neither did anyone else because this was Turin and everyone minded their own business. An orange carrot with a huge mouth smiled his largest smile. "These rabbits know their cosmetics." "Indeed they do," said another, "and speaking of rabbits, where did they go?" "I suppose they want to be paid," said the largest carrot. "But we don't have any money," they mumbled. "Don't worry," said the dark carrot, "these look like samples." They put their carrot heads together and agreed they would take them away and try them. Then they would return and say they weren't happy. But they couldn't resist trying the products m there and then. One by one they sat down on the road and pronounced themselves totally relaxed. "I'm contemplating my true carrotness," said the dark carrot. "I'm feeling tingly and a little drowsy," said the carrot with the large mouth. "I'm feeling sleepy," said another. At that moment the Wabbit hopped from the shadows bearing a large statement with many zeros. "I understand you are all satisfied with the merchandise?"

5. The Wabbit and the Beauty Roadblock

Lapinette was detailed to obtain luxury beauty products and she assembled all she could at short notice. "Do you think that will be enough?" She smiled as she passed them to the Wabbit. "Repair wear and restore, beauty flash balm, toning lotion ..." The list went on. The Wabbit examined a bottle of firming cream and grinned. "Maybe I'll try some of this." Further up Via Po, Wabsworth waved his police baton to stop the traffic. Vehicles disappeared smartly into side roads and vanished. The street quietened down. "Good thing this is Torino," murmured the Wabbit. In the distance, Wabsworth saw four carrots marching towards them. "I can see them," he shouted, "Get ready!" The Wabbit laid all the products on the cobbles. "If I know my carrots, they're going to love these." At the same time, he quietly slipped the firming cream into his fur. The carrots drew closer and they were already discussing their acquisition of desirable beauty products. "I'd like warm colours for sunkissed skin," said one. "I want to put spring back into my skin," said another. "I want to be flawless and firm and bold," said a carrot at the back. Just then another carrot caught up with them and elbowed them aside. "These rabbits had better deliver or it'll be the worse for them," he shrieked. "Beauty or nothing," shouted another. Then they all yelled together. "The time of the carrots is now!" 

4. The Wabbit and the Narcissistic Carrot

Discussions at the Department of Wabbit Affairs had gone on and on. What to do about the carrot incursion? No-one had the slightest clue about a course of action. Up to this point however, no-one had experienced carrot harm. So the Wabbit and Wabsworth were detailed to gather as much information as they could - but it wasn't until the following evening they had any luck. A carrot of a different variety was strolling around the city, looking in shops. Wabsworth and the Wabbit followed unnoticed until the carrot stopped outside a hairdresser. They came to a halt, crouched against a car and listened. The carrot was humming a joyful tune and every so often he spoke in a soft voice. "Lovely, lovely, lovely. Lovely, lovely, lovely." He stroked the face in the window, then stroked his carrot tummy. The Wabbit flicked his ears so he could hear everything. The carrot murmured quietly "Luxury beauty brands are exactly what I've been looking for. I will tell everyone and we'll come back tomorrow." The Wabbit nudged Wabsworth. Wabsworth nodded and stepped forward. "Perhaps I can help you, carrot?" "Little old me?" replied the carrot, "how could you possibly help?" At that moment the Wabbit hopped forward. "Me and my lagomorph friend here can get you a very good price on premium beauty brands." The carrot swayed and waved its carrot limbs and smiled in agreement. "Meet us here tomorrow night," said the Wabbit. "Bring your friends," said Wabsworth. "We'll bring the samples," grinned the Wabbit ...

3. The Wabbit and the Time of the Carrots

Hearing of an extreme carrot incursion, Wabsworth and the Wabbit hastened to a rooftop in the centre of Turin. It was a tough climb, especially since the Wabbit decided to scale the outside of the building. Wabsworth took a lift. He came scrambling over the roof just in time to see a giant carrot looming over the Wabbit. The carrot had a mouth and was saying the same thing over and over again. "It's carrot time!" The Wabbit pulled himself across the tiles and grimaced. "Are you auditioning for Carrots' Got Talent?" The carrot's giggle turned into a laugh. The building shook and the Wabbit held on for dear life. "Carrot time, carrot time!" yelled the carrot. Wabsworth called to the Wabbit. "Try to reason with it." The Wabbit looked doubtful, but he shrugged and addressed the carrot. "Now look here my orange friend, you can't loom around yelling about carrots." The carrot's mouth twisted and he said 'carrot time' again, but this time his voice was quiet. "Progress," nodded Wabsworth. "OK, carrot," said the Wabbit, "please tell me where you're from and state the exact nature of your business." The carrot's head dropped. Its mouth opened wide and it belched a carroty burp that blasted the Wabbit's ears. "Our time has come."

2. The Wabbit and the Carrot Incursion

The Wabbit wasn't often surprised, but this was an exception. "My gast is flabbered," he grinned. Wabsworth wasn't so amused. "They've been appearing all over the city, carrot monuments, carrot obelisks, carrot signs, carrots, carrots, carrots." Is this doing any harm?" asked the Wabbit. "Some of them glow in the dark," said Wabsworth. "One is mildly radioactive and another sings songs." The Wabbit doubled up with laughter. "What about?" "Carrots," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit was helpless with mirth. "People are complaining, said Wabsworth. The Wabbit blinked. "Everything smells of carrots." The Wabbit shrugged. Wabsworth continued. "Someone tried to cut a slice for a soffritto and the carrot hit him on the head." The Wabbit drew a breath. "It'll be the celery next." Wabsworth was aghast. "Not on my watch," he yelled. The Wabbit looked round at the carrot obelisk and he studied the hieroglyphs for some time. His head moved up and down. "Does the inscription mean to say carrot? Because it's not spelled correctly." Wabsworth stepped back. "I'm an android not a history teacher." The Wabbit looked again and his ears swayed as he listened. "Did it say something?" "Mha Kheru!" The voice repeated. Wabsworth whirred as he ran an ancient Egyptian algorithm. "It says it's justified." "And ancient?" grinned the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Interesting News

When the Wabbit was bored, he often hung round the back of Castello del Valentino. The castle now belonged to the Polytechnic and he could sit on the steps and listen to office chat and grin. The Wabbit wasn't an office rabbit in the slightest. His own desk was piled high with uncompleted paperwork and since he was between missions he had plenty of opportunity to catch up. Instead, he sat on the steps in the sun and wondered where the next mission might come from. He yawned and stretched his paws. "Busy busy busy," he murmured. His radio crackled and spluttered. He pulled it from his fur and pushed the talk button. "Sting Dem Radio. Yuh a luk fi DJ Wabbit?"  Wabsworth's voice whined from the speaker. "Very funny Commander, but we have a situation." The Wabbit laughed. "What kind of situation." The radio whined and the Wabbit jabbed 'talk' a few times and tapped the unit on the wall. "It's a carrot situation, Commander," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit sat down and sighed. "Don't overdo it with the carrots, Wabsworth. Just get to the root of the matter." The radio crackled again. "It's not a Club thing, Commander. It's a dangerous carrot incursion." The Wabbit waited and the radio fell silent. Then it hissed. "Are you still there?" "I'm waiting," said the Wabbit. "You'll have to see it for yourself," said Wabsworth. "On my way," sighed the Wabbit.