The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The day was boiling hot and everyone was thirsty. "There's a special beer on tap," said the Wabbit, "beer all round?" Everyone agreed. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette. "You don't like beer." "It's hot, I'll give it a whirl," smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit watched Wabsworth waft to and fro, ferrying foaming beers. Lapinette sniffed her drink, but her nose twitched and she convulsed in a sneeze. The Wabbit signalled to Wabsworth. "Large dry cold prosecco in a chilled glass!" Skratch the Cat loomed up and leaned in. "What was that for a sort of adventure you just had?" Wabsworth returned bearing prosecco. "In this case, art organised experience, to articulate the random as causal." "People like the illusion," shrugged Skratch. "Aye, it be thematically sutured," said Jenny. Lapinette nodded gravely. "You're right there Jenny. Another beer?" She sipped prosecco. Skratch purred. "Before we descend into the pit of relativism, I have something for Jenny." He delved in his fur and produced a red rose identical to the one she'd lost. He threw it high in the air. Jenny caught it and hid a grin. She pinned it on her hat. "What's the connotation of the icon?" "Passion?" offered Wabsworth. Skratch shook his head. "Resurrection and immortality." "You certainly know how to talk to a girl," said Jenny.

11. The Wabbit and the Lepus Blockade

"The Lepus!" shouted the Wabbit. "How did it get here? "The cockpit radio crackled. "Captain Jenny to Susan, steady as she goes." Susan the biplane flew up then stalled. The Scunner Akwat hung in the air. The Lepus fired. Akwat shrieked as a low blast shook his fins. Susan shot up then back down. The Wabbit could only watch as he clung to the struts. Susan made three attempts to swung Akwat on the cargo deck and finally released the anchor. Sailors rushed on the deck and secured the giant fish with grappling hooks. "Hurrah!" gurgled the salmon as the big shrimp made a getaway. Susan flew in slow and they all jumped on the deck. Jenny was there to welcome them, but before she could speak, the Wabbit wanted to know the details. "They were your modifications, Commander," said Jenny, "The Lepus can yaw in and out of slipstream like a dog at a fair." "What shall we do with him?" wondered Lapinette. Wabsworth grinned. "Take him to the toxic lake at the back of the old munitions factory?" "I suggest Deep Ocean," smiled Jenny. She vanished to the bridge and suddenly the water churned and the ship shuddered. The Lepus and everything on it vanished leaving only a frightened shrimp with a giant salmon. Silence fell. There wasn't a breath of wind and the river surface was like a mirror. "What do you say we tell no-one?" suggested the salmon.

10. The Wabbit and the Scunner Bait

The arrival of Susan the Biplane and Wabsworth offered a different possibility. Susan would tow a baited anchor to lure and hook the Scunner Fish. "What will we use for bait?" asked Lapinette. Wabsworth  disappeared briefly and returned bearing an enormous shrimp. Lapinette wrinkled her nose. "Where?" Wabsworth shrugged and commenced a lengthy explanation. "Out at the old abandoned munitions factory there's a strange lake." Lapinette shook her head, loaded the shrimp on the anchor, and clambered aboard. Susan's engine was a deafening roar as she took off and whisked the anchor along the river. "That's dangerous!" shouted Nessie - but they were up and running. "Extreme fishing," murmured the Wabbit. He held on with one paw and flicked imaginary lint with the other. "There he is!" yelled Wabsworth. With a fountain of spray, the Scunner Akwat soared from the river towards his prey. Susan hung back then flicked the anchor forward. Akwat dived. He missed. "Stupid Scunner!"groaned Susan. She flicked the anchor in the manner of a cat toy. This time Akwat fastened his teeth round the shrimp and swallowed it along with the anchor. He threshed angrily, but he was hooked. "What do we do now?" said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Lucky Anchor

Captain Jenny went in search of a suitable vessel. The Wabbit and Lapinette scavenged for useful items that might help them in pursuit of Akwat, the giant fish. Nessie was content to remain in the river and advise. "Whit's that?" said Nessie. "Some kind of algae," muttered Lapinette. "Never heard of him," said Nessie from a cloud of mist. Lapinette smiled and poked the green substance with a stick. An acrid, rotting smell reached her nose. "Poo bum smell." she spluttered. "Ripe," commented the Wabbit. He put his paws around a giant anchor and tugged. It didn't budge. He placed a foot underneath and levered it. The anchor uttered a rusty groan as it lurched on the Wabbit's other foot. The Wabbit stifled several expletives. "This is a lucky anchor," he announced. Nessie roared with laughter. "Because it landed on a rabbit foot?" The Wabbit merely grinned. "It's lucky because it met me." This met with silence. "It's a big hook, isn't it?" Everyone nodded. "Well, a big hook can snare a big fish." The Wabbit was ebullient and he rocked the anchor dangerously back and forth. Lapinette rose to her feet. "Wabbit, it weighs a ton." The Wabbit looked at Nessie and back to the anchor. His 28 teeth glinted in the sun. Nessie frowned. "Laddie, I'm a plesiosaur, not a traction engine." "Pretend you're in the Highland Games," smiled the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and the Scunner Akwat

The team followed the fish until they would go no further. Leaving them behind, they waded until the water grew shallow. Nessie crouched flat along the bottom, semi-shrouded in imported mist. Lapinette punted along quietly. The Wabbit complained silently about his fur and the damp. Jenny brought up the rear, pirate boots glooping from the mud. "This be a creepy place, Commander." The Wabbit nodded and checked his fur. Water lapped at the shore and the reeds bent lazily back and forward. Lapinette shivered. They were armed and ready but it took them by surprise. The water spat a giant fish in the air and it was all teeth. It lunged forward with enormous speed and its teeth made a tattoo rattle. It looked back and forth, then it fixed the Wabbit with a steady stare. It dropped its lower jaw and made a clangy rattling like a teaspoon in a tin. There was a pause and the rattling stopped as it turned its gaze to Lapinette. Its lower jaw dropped and it made the same soft sound again. Again there was a silent pause but it broke as Jenny's boots made a loud plop in the mud. The fish swung round but Jenny dunked under the surface - and all it could see was Nessie. It gazed for a while, then its jaw dropped and it made the same rattling sound. Nessie dropped his jaw too - and rattled his teeth. The fish let out an incredible roar. Then it swung and aquaplaned along the water, far into the distance.

7. Wabsworth and the Hungry Salmon

Wabsworth was in receipt of an urgent radio message. It was transmitted only once and was heavily mangled but Wabsworth made the best of it and scrambled Susan the Biplane. The message said feed the fish, at least that's what he thought. It hadn't been hard to spot the fish. There were many, circling round a giant salmon. Wabsworth heard the salmon shouting. "Go round, Susan," he yelled. The salmon reared from the water. "Did you bring the food?" Wabsworth had only found Tropical Pellets, but he stuck a paw up anyway and Susan circled round again. On the second pass Wabsworth poured out food. Water foamed as the fish threshed with delight. "Excellent, yum yum," called the giant salmon. Susan flew back and forward along the surface of the river. Each time she passed, Wabsworth threw more food and the salmon gulped another message. "They've gone to shallower waters! You'll find the culprit there." Wabsworth had no clue about any of this. So they went round again and Wabsworth poured more. "Will you lead us?" he yelled. "We can't go there," yelled the salmon. Susan passed again and Wabsworth shouted an inspired question. "Who are we chasing?" The giant salmon bared his twelve sharp teeth. "We call him the Scunner Akwat." His fins made the river foam around him. Wabsworth threw down the last of the food and held up a paw in salute. Susan dipped her wings, then wheeled and roared south to the shallows.

6. The Wabbit and the Salmon Gang

They hunted high and low for the culprits but when they came to Sassi there was another commotion. Nessie exploded from the water with a great wail. "Help me Wabbit," shouted Nessie, "ah canny get rid of thae salmon." The Wabbit mulled over the salmon as the guilty parties, but the idea was too fishy. He could see Nessie was in distress so he pulled a can of Irn Bru from his fur and climbed Nessie's neck. The drink was so shaken that it hissed and fizzed then exploded into Nessie's mouth. "Och," gulped Nessie, "You're a wee brammer. Anything to eat?" Lapinette dug in her frock and produced a couple of shortbread biscuits she'd kept from a party. Nessie head swooped down. The Wabbit clung on as Nessie swept the biscuits into his cavernous mouth. "What's with the fish?" asked Jenny. She batted a leaping salmon back over the bridge. "They followed me here from Loch Ness," complained Nessie. The salmon continued to spiral around them. Lapinette narrowly avoided a head on collision with a salmon, but it slapped her on the face as it passed. "Aaagh, big wet fish," spluttered Lapinette. Suddenly they were gone. "They had their fun," said Nessie, "they'll be away." "Other fish to fry?" grinned the Wabbit. Jenny sniffed the cuff of her uniform and wrinkled her nose. She paused for a second then sniffed again. "It might be worth following them."

5.The Wabbit - "Return of the Monstroids"

It was Captain Jenny's suggestion to look out from the bridge. It was the Marathon Bridge and its boards creaked with the ghosts of a thousand runners. They set out for the middle but from under the bridge came a monster roar. The Wabbit saw the creature first. "Monstroid!" It towered above them, dribbling blood from its jaws. More Monstroids thumped along the groaning bridge towards them.  Lapinette clutched her edged weapon and shouted. "I'll split you stem to stern!" Jenny yelled at them too." "Get back to Hades!" The Monstroids chortled and nudged each other. The Wabbit had an intimate acquaintance with their kind. One had grown inside him, and when it burst free it spawned an army that terrorised the city. The Monstroid was talking. Only the Wabbit could understand. Lapinette heard him speak a strange language. "Why did you hang the Agent of Rabit?" The Monstroid frowned a grim frown. "Not me." "Who roughed up our captain?" The Monstroid looked back at his cohorts. They shook their heads. The Monstroid shrugged. "You shot at Jenny." yelled the Wabbit. "Not guilty," said the Monstroid. "Then why are you here?" said the Wabbit. "We miss you!" said the Monstroids. The Wabbit made a rude sign with his paw. The Monstroid smiled a hideous smile - then dropped silently into the river. The others seemed to evaporate. Lapinette tugged questioningly at the Wabbit's fur. "They're family," sighed the Wabbit, "I'm obliged to speak to them."

4. The Wabbit and Jenny in Trouble

The Wabbit and Lapinette searched the River Po from the Dora to Ponte Isabella and beyond. Upstream, the trail became lush with vegetation. The sun appeared and made it sparkle. The Wabbit sniffed, then stopped because he'd lost the scent. They peered around but there was nothing to see. Crickets chirped. Humming birds hovered. Leaves lay flat and breathless. Suddenly Jenny came crashing from a tree with a thud loud enough to startle the squirrels. The Wabbit and Lapinette stood stock still and watched. Jenny looked the worse for wear. Her hat was improvised and her uniform unkempt. The weapons looked functional, but they didn't belong to Jenny. Something was far amiss. The Wabbit heard a scurrying in the undergrowth and looked round, but Lapinette heard it first. She raised her automatic and pointed. The Wabbit saw the sun glint from a gun barrel aimed directly at Jenny, and the only thing he could do was yell, "Hit the Deck, Jenny!" Jenny dropped quickly from sight just as two shots rang out. A blast from the woods tore a fragment from her hat and made a groove in her fur. A second from Lapinette sent the assailant's gun spinning. There was a groan. Something crashed off through the undergrowth - followed by a hail of bullets as Jenny and Lapinette fired round after round. "I hate the countryside," sighed the Wabbit, "it's far too noisy."

3. The Wabbit and the Angry River

It  didn't take long for the Wabbit and Lapinette to reach the troublespot. The river had gathered momentum since the last bridge. It snarled and thrashed at the banks in some kind of private fury. The noise was so deafening they had to shout. "Over there!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit saw a body hanging, suspended over the river. It swayed and turned lifelessly. But its arms were tense and its paws were bunched in fists of rage. Lapinette scaled the tree and tried to cut the body down. "Is he definitely dead?" called the Wabbit. "Looks likes rigor mortis," shouted Lapinette, "but he only just left us." "You gonna cut him down?" yelled the Wabbit. "Can't leave him here!" shouted Lapinette. The rope was easy meat for Lapinette's edged weapon and the body dropped. But it tumbled into the torrent. They were helpless to stop the river grab the body and they watched it float out of sight. The Wabbit ground all of his 28 teeth. "I was hoping to learn something." Lapinette shrugged and clambered down. Twigs broke. Leaves dropped. A bird startled suddenly and the Wabbit looked up. "There's Jenny's hook!" A bright red hook nestled, trapped between branches. The Wabbit shook the tree and caught it as it dropped. "There's blood on it." Lapinette grimaced, but she was thinking. "Where would Jenny make for?" "Downstream," pointed the Wabbit ...

2. The Wabbit and the Bridge to Cross

The Wabbit's hop down the river was a formal affair that involved crossing a suitable bridge, then continuing on the other side to the next bridge, then crossing again. They hopped some distance, crossing many bridges until they reached the big University. There, the river became wild and inhospitable and it coursed down to the Po like it was late. The Wabbit studied the graffiti. "Who are the Sons of Anarchy?" Lapinette knew all about it. "It's a crime soaper on cable TV about a motorbike gang." "Now I remember," said the Wabbit; "Hamlet and Harleys." Lapinette glanced down. A rose lay on the parapet and she picked it up. "This is the rose Jenny wears on her pirate hat." "Are you certain it's hers?" said the Wabbit; "They all look alike." Lapinette peered into the swirl of water. "Well, there's her hat!" The Wabbit's fur stood on end and he jumped to dive into the river. "There's no-one, Wabbit. I can't see her," yelled Lapinette. They both raced to the other side of the bridge but they could see only river and woods. The water roared by with a deafening growl but there was no mistaking the bark of an automatic. "Jenny," breathed Lapinette. The Wabbit indicated a point farther down the river. A muzzle flash lit the water and a bullet hit a tree. Branches cracked and birds lifted. "Let's join the party," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Iron Bridge

Lapinette caught up with the Wabbit on the Iron Bridge at Via Borgo Dora. "Wabbit! Are you hanging about?" "Yes," said the Wabbit. "Just in case a certain rabbit comes by!" He touched Lapinette's shoulder and smiled. Between adventures was dull, but the day was balmy and together, they listened to the river gurgling pleasantly under the bridge. It was one of the Wabbit's places, because he liked to see all the different kinds of characters there. Later he'd trawl the vast market in search of something unobtainable. "Any news?" he asked. "Adventure news?" replied Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened. Lapinette shook her head. The Wabbit frowned. "Adventures are like buses," shrugged Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled. "Another one will come along in a minute?" Lapinette scoffed at this. "Well, eventually the bus arrives and you get a bone-rattling ride home." The Wabbit sighed. "I would be more than happy to have my bones rattled." Lapinette couldn't take that seriously. "We could be bone deep in a boneyard." The Wabbit chortled. "Shall we walk the river?" Lapinette was horrified. "What? To the source?" The Wabbit laughed. He's been thinking of the spot where the River Dora empties into the Po. It wasn't so far. "We'll have lunch at Sassi," suggested Lapinette. "What could possibly go wrong?" laughed the Wabbit. So paw in paw they hopped their way along the Dora ...

The Wabbit and his Adventure Caffè

It was blisteringly hot and the team met inside the Adventure Caffè. Skratch the Cat was on duty behind the bar and he welcomed everyone with a mighty meaow. "Ask the question Skratch!" cheered the Wabbit. "I will!" smiled Skratch; "What was that for a sort of freaky adventure?" Wabsworth gently pulled Tipsy into the bar, but she didn't need much pulling. "It belongs to the rather old genre of the road movie," said Wabsworth. "A special representational anchoring, necessarily rooted in recognition," nodded Skratch. "Speaking of anchors, the sun is well past the yardarm," said Tipsy. "I'll get the drinks," laughed Skratch. "The shark was this big!" yelled Lapinette suddenly. She threw her paws wide. So did everyone else. "It looked bigger," suggested the Wabbit. "What happened to the shark?" asked Wabsworth. "I hit it on the nose so hard its teeth rattled," grinned the Wabbit. Lapinette snorted. "It still has a chunk of his fur." Skratch scratched the corner of the bar. "The episodic nature of the adventure provided a staggered lurching, rather like an army truck." Wabsworth chuckled. "It was thematic foregrounding. The protagonists had no control of mysterious happenings." The Wabbit chortled. "The sequence was the adventure." Tipsy lurched forward and spoke directly to Skratch. "Any danger of you bringing me a little dwink?" "Tipsy! That's a trope," meaowed Skratch. "I can take a twope," shrugged Tipsy.

6. The Wabbit and Tipsy's Findings

The Wabbit had tasked Tipsy to go over the truck with the finest tooth comb she could muster. Mist shrouded the building and the Wabbit's fur felt damp. "Find anything?" Tipsy laughed and took the miniature whisky that the Wabbit quietly proffered. She tucked it into the top of her frock.  "I found two things." She pushed a CD ROM into his paw. The Wabbit winced because he recognised it. It contained a series of modifications for Quantum the Train's lattice drive. "Don't worry Commander," said Tipsy, "it wasn't anything to do with your CD." She held out a shim. "This naughty washer is a weensy teensy bit out of phase." She spun the shim in the air and it hung for a while. Then it dropped into Tipsy's paw. "But not all the time," she added. "What's it out of phase with?" asked the Wabbit. He shoved the CD ROM deep into his fur with an exaggerated air of innocence. "Us," said Tipsy. The Wabbit looked at the building and then at Tipsy. "Did you try putting it back?" "I made copies," smiled Tipsy, "and refitted every washer in the truck."  Together they watched the truck moving up and down the building. "It's controllable," sighed the Wabbit with some relief. Tipsy raised her whisky miniature in the direction of the truck, then drained it in a single gulp. "For the most part..."

5. Lapinette and the Way to Drive

Lapinette drove through the dark and the dark seemed endless. But she saw a chink of light and she drove straight at it. There was crash and a lot of splintering as she hurtled through three corridors, down a flight of stairs and into a luxurious office. A panoramic window loomed. She pumped the throttle, shot through it and braked. The lorry stopped, half in, half out of a tall office block. The Wabbit looked down. "How many floors in this tower?" Lapinette grinned. "Thirty five counting the roof restaurant." "I know this building," said the Wabbit; "It's new. It's bioclimatic." "Not any more." giggled Lapinette. The Wabbit counted the floors. "How do we get down?" Lapinette made a calculation, then winked. She inched the truck forward until it pivoted on the rear axle. Then she gritted her teeth. "We drive down." The Wabbit braced. The truck lurched over until its front wheels touched the side of the building. Lapinette jabbed the throttle. The rear tyres bumped over the edge. She crashed the truck into reverse and stood on the brakes. The truck began to slide down. The Wabbit jerked the handbrake on. Lapinette gunned the throttle. Tyres groaned. Burning rubber fumes made them cough. Suddenly gravity grabbed the truck and it dropped with a slam. "Aaaagh!" yelled the Wabbit. But knobby tyres grabbed at the tower. The truck clung. Then with a squeal like a thousand bats - and a lot of smoke - it slid quietly to the bottom. "This wheel's on fire!" yelled Lapinette.