3. The Wabbit and the Personal Guard

Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy comprised Lapinette's personal guard, so the Wabbit approached with considerable caution. They were prancing on top of the elevator car that went up to the dome and the climb had been arduous. "Ahem," said the Wabbit. Tipsy seemed to be playing a tune on a fearsome edged weapon but she paused. "You shouldn't cweep up on us, Commander." "Jeepers," said Fitzy. She waved an automatic at Mitzy. "Schtick 'em up Shiblet!" Mitzy stroked her snazer rifle and shook her head. "My pawsicles are so full." The Wabbit took a deep breath. "Your Christmas orders." "Put me down for a crate of beer," yelled Tipsy. The Wabbit smiled as benevolently as he could. "No, your mission assignment." Tipsy lurched a bit. "Do tell, Commander!" The Wabbit nodded courteously. "We're going to Incontinentia." Tipsy burst out laughing and couldn't stop. "Cheese Whizz!" said Fitzy, holding her nose. "Are there interesting little shoplets?" asked Mitzy. The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "In Incontinentia, they're everywhere in peril." "Shitake shakers!" shouted Mitzy. Fitzy turned to stare at the Wabbit and racked her automatic. "I call that tyraninny." The Wabbit gently pushed Fitzy's automatic away from his fur. "Tyraninny of the Third Kind," he muttered.

2. The Wabbit and Lapinette's Task

The Wabbit caught up with Lapinette at the back of the Old Chocolate Factory in Pozzo Strada. She was polishing her automatic and barely turned. "You have a card with you?" It was statement rather than a question, so the Wabbit grinned a lop side grin. "It says 'Luck, Tyranny and Revenge'." Lapinette took the card but hardly glanced at it. "Wabbit, it says 'Lust, Tyranny and Revenge'." The Wabbit didn't turn a hair. "Same thing," he smiled. Lapinette continued to polish until her Makarov took on a blue sheen. She rubbed it on her dress and poked a loose safety catch. It swung, then fell off. "Wabbit we need new stuff." she sighed. "I'll place a Christmas requisition," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was in danger of polishing the Makarov into dust. Two clicks rang out as she racked the slide with ease. "Do lust, tyranny and revenge remind you of anything?" she asked. "Westerns," quipped the Wabbit. Lapinette breathed on the automatic, polished some more, then sprayed it all over with WD 40. "No," she said, "we must be headed for Incontinentia." "Never heard of it," said the Wabbit, shaking his head back and forth. "Near Rome," shrugged Lapinette. "Does it have shops?" asked the Wabbit. "Everywhere has shops," replied Lapinette. "Then I'll make a list," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit and the Christmas Paper

The shops were set to close but it didn't deter window shoppers and they flocked around like geese on vacation. It was there, just off Via Gramsci where Wabsworth caught sight of the Wabbit. He was carrying something festive. "Christmas shopping?" inquired Wabsworth. The Wabbit smiled and patted the brightly coloured roll of Christmas paper. "I just picked up our Christmas orders." "Oh," said Wabsworth, "anything interesting?" "I haven't looked yet," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth was the Wabbit's android double - but some time had passed since he was made. Now his personality diverged considerably from the Wabbit. So he gave the Wabbit a nudge. "Let's look now." The Wabbit held the roll to one eye and looked inside. He shrugged. "There doesn't seem to be anything in here." He shook it hard, but nothing fell out. "Maybe it's written on the wrapping paper?" suggested Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked around, but all the shoppers stared into the windows, pointing and commenting. "OK," he said, I'll unroll it." Carefully he prised away some sticky tape and unrolled the paper. They both had a quick look. "There is something written on a card," cried the Wabbit, "but this light is terrible, can you read it?" Wabsworth studied it carefully. Just then, the tiny card came unstuck and fell to the ground. Wabsworth picked it up. "It says, 'Luck, Tyranny and Revenge'." "Cheerful!" grinned the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The arcade just off Piazza San Carlo was quiet. People drifted past. No-one paid the slightest attention as Skratch descended on the caffè table wearing his new t-shirt. As always, he greeted everyone with the question, "What was that for a sort of adventure?" Wabsworth was the first to respond. "I thought it was a rather jolly rom-com." Skratch's tail shot up straight in the air and quivered for a while. "I agree," he said, "and although the movement of the image tends to narrative resolution, the question of desire was continually foregrounded." "Desire for what?" asked Lapinette. "Desire for a kiss," said the Wabbit. He puckered his lips. Skratch smiled smugly. "We're talking about the kiss and symbolic desire, a jouissance that tests the limits of social reality." "That's Lacan," said Lapinette. Suddenly she slid a hat across the table. "I found it in the market." "A hat such as that is iconographic," meaowed Skratch. Wabsworth peered at the hat. "What does it say round the brim?" "Kiss me quick," said Lapinette, "OK," said the Wabbit brightly and puckered his lips again. Lapinette effected a pained expression. "But I'm not wearing the hat." "Let me put it on for you," grinned the Wabbit.
[jouissance; Fr. enjoyment. In Lacan's psychoanalysis, it is paradoxical enjoyment transgressing pleasure.]

7. Lapinette and Sealed with a Kiss

With the kiss trapped in the cinema foyer, they considered what to do. The kiss just wouldn't desist and it darted back and forth, kissing movie posters. 'Again', it murmured with each kiss. Suction mwahs echoed dully from girders and plate glass. "It wants another kiss back," sighed Lapinette. "Well, it's your kiss," yelled the Wabbit. With the strength of ten rabbits he hoisted her up. Lapinette flailed and the kiss buzzed past her ears. She grabbed with her paws - but every time the kiss broke free. "Go get it, Lap!" shouted the Wabbit and he hoisted her higher. He saw Lapinette get a bead on the kiss. Her eyes narrowed, then the Wabbit saw her ears twitch in a manner he'd seen before. He kept her rock steady. "Kiss the kiss," he shouted. The kiss dived in, straight as a die - and stuck fast to Lapinette. Lapinette gasped and unpeeled it. "I haven't used that lipstick in years." The Wabbit set Lapinette down. "Phew," he said. But the kiss suddenly jumped at his face. He peeled it off and decided on a date. "Good vintage," he murmured. Lapinette smiled. "I made it myself." The Wabbit threw the kiss directly at Lapinette and said, "The kiss belongs to you." The kiss kissed her lips briefly then vanished. Lapinette tried her lips cautiously, then looked at the Wabbit. "Now you kiss me." The Wabbit puckered his lips. "All in a day's work!"

6. The Wabbit and the Persistent Kiss

Susan the Biplane went into a spin, then lurched and bumped until she was upside down. The Wabbit clambered from the cockpit and dived for the undercarriage. He gritted his teeth in the face of the wind - until a shout from Lapinette alerted him to the kiss heading his way. "Pucker!" Lapinette's message was barely audible, but the Wabbit nodded and complied. Susan steadied as the kiss dived at the Wabbit. He flinched as it veered and whacked him on the ears. "Pucker up!" yelled Lapinette as the kiss swooped round and back. The Wabbit gripped the undercarriage and screwed up his face. The kiss dived. The Wabbit met it head on. There was a splat as the kiss stuck to the Wabbit's mouth. The Wabbit wheezed and gasped for air. "Breathe Wabbit," yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit's sucked at his lungs for all he was worth and breathed out through his nose. The kiss stuck like glue. "Kiss it back!" shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit had little breath to play with but he summoned enough to push outwards. Through the chatter of the engines, Lapinette heard a 'pfah' from the Wabbit. The kiss inflated, then sucked with the force of a high pressure pump. The Wabbit gasped then tried again. This time Lapinette heard a forceful 'Mwah!' and she smiled in triumph. The kiss stopped dead. The Wabbit peeled it from his face and looked at it. "Again," said the kiss ... 

5. The Wabbit and the Aerial Kissing

The kiss flew up and beyond their grasp. So with engines growling, Susan the Biplane took them both into the air. "Susan has altitude!" grinned the Wabbit. A sudden crackle of the radio. "Behind that cloud," said Susan, "that kiss is coming in quick." She looped then stood on a wing tip. "How shall I line up, Commander?" The Wabbit sized up the kiss. "One o'clock," he nodded." But the kiss dived past them, grazing the fuselage. "Mwah!" yelled the kiss with a Doppler whine that didn't sound friendly. "The cheek of it" shouted Susan. She looped to the rear and a short battle ensued - as fast and as close as a knife fight in a phone booth. The kiss rattled like a machine gun. "Mwah mah mwah mah mama!" Angry kisses stung Susan's wings. Lapinette clung onto the wires and yelled. "Kiss the Wabbit!" But the kiss flew directly up, then poised for another dive. The Wabbit angled his face directly at it. "Kiss me," he muttered. He stared as the kiss dived towards him, getting bigger and bigger until all he could see was pink. "Myahhh" whined the kiss as it veered away at the last moment. "Mwa ma ma mama," stuttered the kiss and it spiralled back. "Not my ears!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette watched the Wabbit try three more times for a direct kiss. Then suddenly his teeth flashed. "Drunken Rabbit Manoeuvre. Now!" Lapinette gripped the wires and prayed ..

4. The Wabbit and the Kiss Window

Together with Scarecrow, they pursued the flyaway kiss. Just as they passed a bookshop window, a voice spoke. It was a familiar voice and it seemed to have a point of view on kissing. "It kissed me twice, that's more than usual," said a face in the window. The kiss buzzed past Lapinette's head and flew down the street, leaving an indelible mark on the face. "Come back kiss," shouted the face. But the kiss took no notice and flew on. The face seemed to turn to Lapinette. "Is that your kiss? You should take better care of it." Lapinette ignored the vanishing kiss and explained. "My kiss escaped from a charity event and we can't stop it." "I'd like to help you," gazed the face, "but my face is under house arrest." The face managed a wry smile. "The only way to stop a kiss is to kiss it back." Lapinette scowled. "I can't kiss my own kiss!" The Wabbit grinned. "Then I'll do it. I must meet it face on." "Absolutely precisely, with passion. No half kissing," said the face; "that's just kissing in self defense." The Wabbit thought for a bit, but as he pondered, the kiss zoomed back, making mwah sounds as it swooped around. It hovered close to the Wabbit's head and he made several attempts to kiss it directly - all without success. "That was a near kiss," said the face. With a whooshing noise, the kiss vanished again ..

3. The Wabbit and the Flyaway Kiss

Lapinette and the Wabbit chased Lapinette's kiss through shops, streets and on trams - but the kiss didn't stop until it came to an urban organic garden. There it settled on a scarecrow's cheek and planted a resounding smacker, the sound of which could be heard some distance away. Then it fluttered onwards. Lapinette jumped up and down. "We have to find my kiss, it shouldn't be out on its own." "Let's ask the scarecrow," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette looked skeptical but nonetheless she hopped on a bench and looked up at the scarecrow's face. "How was the kiss, Mr Scarecrow?" "The scarecrow's head swiveled to face her. "Hot," he said, pointing to the disappearing kiss. "I thought it was a pretty butterfly, I hoped it would stay." Lapinette jumped higher. "My kiss escaped from a charity event and I have to get it back." "Is it dangerous?" asked the scarecrow. He rubbed his cheek, smiled and waved to the now distant kiss. "Yes," replied Lapinette, "It could be hazardous if it falls onto the wrong face." "Then please let me help you," said the scarecrow. Lapinette looked at him. "Aren't you stuck here?" The scarecrow rustled his straw. "That's what they think," he murmured, "but I'm quite ambulant and have a spare set of clothes in my shed." "Did the kiss say anything?" asked the Wabbit. "It said mwah smooch!" grinned the scarecrow. "Ah," said the Wabbit, "That's two more clues ..."

2. Lapinette is Swept off her Feet.

The Wabbit danced Lapinette all the way to the city centre, the city sustaining only minor damage. But at a crossroads, the Wabbit came to an abrupt halt. He hadn't run out of steam as Lapinette thought, because suddenly she was thrown in the air and then gently held in place by the Wabbit's paws. She threw her arms wide. "Where are we?" "If I knew where we were," said the Wabbit, "I couldn't have danced here." The Wabbit let Lapinette down and glanced around. "Do you think the place is here?" asked Lapinette. "I think it's a clue," said the Wabbit. "We should have proper instructions, not clues," commented Lapinette. A cooing from above took their attention as a large dove swooped from the rooftops. "Parakalo!" yelled the Wabbit. "Parakalo!" shouted Parakalo. Lapinette waved and shouted. "Do you have a message for us?" Parakalo circled three times. "I am the message," he cooed. Lapinette and the Wabbit sighed. "We're secret agents, not parlour game puzzlers." Parakalo continued to hover. Then something flew down and stuck to the traffic sign. "That looks like a kiss," said the Wabbit. "It looks like one of mine," murmured Lapinette. "Sold at a charity do?" suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette cast her mind into the dim and distant past. "Maybe," she shrugged. The Wabbit climbed the pole. "I'll get it down." "Be careful," said Lapinette, "It might still be hot."

1. The Wabbit and the Missing Address

"The address said here." The Wabbit looked all round, then shook his head like a donkey. "It's closed," replied Lapinette. The Wabbit stood his ground. "These are the coordinates I was given." Lapinette gave a mock sigh and nudged the Wabbit. "Couldn't you get an ordinary address like normal rabbits?" The Wabbit shook his head again. "It's how the instructions came." "How did the instructions come?" asked Lapinette. "Carrier pigeon," said the Wabbit. Lapinette wasn't terribly surprised. "Where are the instructions now?" she asked. "I ate them," said the Wabbit. He made a face. "They tasted quite awful. I wanted pistachio flavour." Lapinette stifled a giggle. "What did they taste like?" "Cough medicine," scowled the Wabbit. The street was quiet, as it normally was on a Sunday morning - maybe even quieter. "I'm uncertain why we're here," said Lapinette, "maybe we should wait." The Wabbit grinned and leaned against the fence. "Waiting time with you is always too short." Lapinette pirouetted. "That's because good things come to those who wait." "What kind of good things?" smiled the Wabbit. "Wait and see!" answered Lapinette. The Wabbit looked swiftly from right to left. "Would you care to dance?" Lapinette folded her paws across her chest. "What are your dancing qualifications?" "Bronze Medal," said the Wabbit. Lapinette pretended to swoon. "Teach me!"

The Wabbit at the Breakfast Caffè

It was early and the caffè was setting up. "Coffee," said the Wabbit. He said it again. "Coffee." Lapinette grinned. "It not going to come by itself." She heard the tinkle of crockery from inside. "Maybe it will." she shrugged. "Double espresso for me," meaowed Skratch, "No such thing," said Lapinette. She pointed at the Wabbit. He waved to a waiter dramatically. "Eight coffees in four cups!" "And rum," suggested Captain Jenny. "Bottle of Seven Fathoms!" yelled the Wabbit. Skratch sighed in a catty manner. "That was quite an adventure we just had." "But what kind of adventure was it?" smiled Jenny. Skratch pondered long and hard. "It was simply a delayed sequel, predicated on double aspectivity." Wabsworth knew all about this - and considered now to be the exact moment for his contribution. "We were presented as spatial things, spliced with our nuclear essence." "So where then, were our boundaries?" mused Lapinette. "There were no boundaries in that adventure," said the Wabbit, "All was fluidly sutured." "Talking of fluids," said Lapinette. "I think I can smell coffee coming." Jenny gave an enormous pirate shout and threw her shoulders back. "Splice the mainbrace!" "Splice it thrice," grinned the Wabbit.

7. Ghost Bunny and the Hellfire Club

Ghost Bunny saw them run out and down the hill. The Hellfire Club was awash with flames. "Hallowe'en is over!" she yelled; "We make it so!" Her ghostly cohorts fluttered hauntingly across the scene, quenching any remaining glitches in the temporal zone. Far below, Lapinette waved them on. Skratch the Cat leapt around like a kitten. Major Spitlove gripped Captain Jenny's tunic in terror. "Ghosts!" Wabsworth tugged one of Lapinette's ears and whispered, "No such things." The Wabbit slid to a halt, puffed a sigh of relief and chortled. "You're late, Ghost Bunny." Ghost Bunny howled with laughter. "Alas Commander, it is you that's early." "What happened to the creatures?" asked Lapinette. "Toast!" shrieked Ghost Bunny. Major Spitlove shuddered and drew close to Captain Jenny. "And where did you find your ghostly cohorts?" said Skratch. "I met them on the astral plane," giggled Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit watched the flames die down. Dust settled. The air cleared. "Do you have your radio, Wabsworth?" "No," replied Wabsworth, "I'm afraid I danced on it." "Then we can't call for transport home," sighed the Wabbit. "My cohorts will take you!" shrieked Ghost Bunny. Major Spitlove started down the hill and called back. "Nice night for a walk."

6. The Wabbit and the Dance Lords

Intoxicated by the bad air, they danced frantically. After a while, Lapinette became exhausted and knelt by the wall. Cries urged her on and she raised one paw in reply. Wabsworth felt his walkie talkie vibrate. At first he thought it was part of the tune, but it activated a safety circuit and he ground to a halt. "Stop the Dance, Commander!" he yelled. "I can't," replied the Wabbit. Wabsworth kicked the Wabbit's legs from under him and he sank to the floor. "Gotta dance," he murmured. "It's a trick," said Wabsworth. The Wabbit shook his head several times and hit his ear with a paw. "Still in Hallowe'en," he sighed. He looked at Lapinette, then shook her. "I was watching the funny little creatures," she murmured. The Wabbit prodded her sharply. With a look of horror, she leapt to her feet and kicked the black beast that had crawled from the wall. It vanished into a crack and the music began to fade. "There's more," yelled Skratch. He bounded across the hearth and up towards the window. "We have trouble," he meaowed. Flames crawled and crackled around the small aperture and things inside got hotter. The Wabbit heard the radio whine and he glared at Wabsworth. "Who's on radio duty?" Wabsworth took the radio and spoke into it gently. "Duty Operator? Identify." "Transmettitore Zero Dark," replied a voice. "Temporal emergency," snapped Wabsworth. "Protocol H .."

5. Jenny and the Unknown Menace

Major Spitlove crouched by the stairs. He heard music, murmuring and squeals so he clutched his axe tightly and shrank into the shadows. He didn't have to wait long. There was a burst of light as a figure launched itself from upstairs. An automatic loomed like a ship out of a mist and behind it was Captain Jenny. The gun spat three times. Each time there was a roar of anger. Jenny hit the ground with a thud and leaped into the dark. Major Spitlove peered as muzzle flashes lit a ruined hallway. He could only see amorphous shifting shapes, lapping at the walls. Rasping grated around the building like a saw on a tin roof. He heard three more shots then ducked as a bullet flew past his ears. Mortar fell on his head and dust went up his nose. "Aaaachoo," he sneezed. Jenny stepped from the gloom. "I could use a helping paw, Major." Spitlove nodded and lifted his axe. "What about the bad air?" he asked. "I'm impervious," said Jenny. She blew into the muzzle of her automatic. "Besides, I've got a cold." Spitlove hopped into the hall. "I'm on the trail of creatures who invade buildings and pose as ghosts." Jenny laughed a pirate laugh. "Fake ghosts, spooking?" Movement from the hallway made them both spin round. Jenny ejected the clip from her automatic, replaced it and fired a volley of shots. Then she shrugged. "No ghosts, no haunting .."