The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

Fregene was a long, long way from the seven planets, but somehow not so far. The Lepus berthed at Civitavecchia and they made their way along the coast. The Wabbit was in search of a particular caffè and he was relieved to find it. "Sometimes, it's not here." Lapinette took a seat. "Isn't this the place where Pasolini met his chums?" "No-one's really sure," purred a voice. Skratch the Cat always lagged behind to make a dramatic entrance and this was no exception. "So tell us, Skratch," said the Wabbit; "What was that for a sort of adventure?" "No-one's really sure," smiled Skratch. Captain Jenny chuckled. "You're implying uncertainty was the structurating principle." Skratch looked at Jenny with awestruck eyes. "Oh Jenny it was. It was a unifying uncertainty that rendered the text open." The Wabbit tapped lightly on the table. "Then we encouraged distantiation and specularity at the same time. Where's our drinks?" An almost imperceptible movement of Lapinette's ears brought immediate service. "How do you do that?" asked the Wabbit. He wiggled his ears, but they looked ridiculous to no effect. Skratch turned his ears back to front and made a face. A waiter arrived. Jenny crossed her ears at the back. The waiter left. The Wabbit's tummy rumbled for a very long time. A waiter arrived. "Got it!" cheered the Wabbit.

14. The Wabbit is Homeward Bound

The Lepus headed home and they all knew they'd be glad to get there. "At this point, shouldn't we sing a shanty?" ventured Captain Jenny. Skratch arrived from the engine room. "Aye!" he meowed. The Wabbit called out. "Lapinette! Give me a note." Lapinette's note cracked the glass in the ship's chronometer. "Lower," smiled the Wabbit. "Let me," said Jenny. She boomed out the first line of a sea shanty. "There was a rabbit came fae Scotland. Bonnie rabbit! Hieland rabbit!" "Way hay an away we go!" wailed Skratch. "Ma bonnie hieland rabbit O!" sang Lapinette. They laughed and laughed and pointed at the Wabbit. The Wabbit grinned and bowed. "I have another song," purred Skratch. The bridge seemed to swell with his beautiful meowing. "Step we gaily on we go, heel for heel an' toe for toe." The Wabbit's voice took over. "Fur in fur an' paw in paw, all for Jenny's wedding." They danced around the bridge and made up words as they went along. "Through the worm holes, up and down. Planets red and green and brown. Past the sun and round and round. All for sake of Jenny!" Jenny laughed heartily and swayed considerably. "Is there something I haven't been told?" Skratch looked at her adoringly and stretched out a paw. "The Captain could marry us!" Jenny grinned. "But I am the Captain." "That makes things so simple," meowed Skratch.

13. The Wabbit and Lapinette's Kiss

Behind a mottled sun, the black planet flared bright and died.  “Let’s get out of here.” sighed Lapinette. She suddenly hugged the Wabbit and gave him a kiss. The Wabbit grinned. “Our taxi’s here.” The Lepus loomed impossibly large on the horizon, red lightning crashing from the bow. “My Cailleach still works,” murmured the Wabbit. “I hope so,” smiled Lapinette.  A small shock wave made them tremble. “That was the black planet,” said the Wabbit. “Is that what it was?” said Lapinette. They watched far-off planets dance into new positions.  “How do we get on board the Lepus?” asked Lapinette. “Oh, let’s just stay here for a while,” said the Wabbit; “One of the bio pods does catering.” The Lepus dropped gently and settled on the planet surface. Lapinette and the Wabbit sat down. A bio pod handed out sandwiches.  “What about the dinosaurs?” asked Lapinette suddenly. “My goodness,” gasped the Wabbit;  “I quite forgot.” “You promised them a new planet with volcanoes.” said Lapinette. The Wabbit munched a sandwich. “And decent toilets,” added Lapinette. The Wabbit appeared nonplussed. “Any ideas?”  “Why not leave them here on the blue planet?” said Lapinette firmly. “What about the toilets?” asked the Wabbit. “Dinosaurs need to take an initiative,” said Lapinette. The Wabbit looked worried. “Then what about the volcanoes?” Lapinette shrugged. “There are volcanoes everywhere.”

12. The Wabbit and the Daemon Reset

The remainder of the bio pods lay at the foot of a rough obelisk. Decorated with unknown symbols, it featured an oversized red button that lay just out of reach. "Give us a punt up," said the Wabbit and he shimmied up the structure. His paws traced the letters. "What do these symbols mean?" Lapinette pushed with all her might and, at the same time, racked her brains. "They spell Daemon System Reset." The Wabbit scrabbled at any edges he could find. "Here be daemons," he grinned. Lapinette pushed harder. "Can you reach the button?" "Nearly," said the Wabbit. He glanced up. "I see the Lepus flag." Lapinette puffed and panted. "Jenny is getting the ship out the way." Lapinette gave the Wabbit a shove. His paw tapped the button, but nothing happened. "Just a tad higher," yelled the Wabbit and he lunged. His paw struck the button squarely. The obelisk shook and the Wabbit started to lose his grip. A series of vibrations followed. The Wabbit looked down. "Run!" He shouted as he dropped and kept shouting when he hit the ground. "Fire in the Hole! Clear the Area!" The Bio pods swept them to safety as the obelisk blew a crater in the ground before blasting into space. They watched it go and breathed deeply. "The map was right," breathed Lapinette. The Wabbit stared as the obelisk vanished behind the red planet. "Now we need to draw a new one."

11. The Wabbit and the Bio pod Touch

Everything glinted on the blue planet but it was safe enough for the Lepus to land. The Wabbit and Lapinette hopped quickly across the beach - and when they spotted two bio pods they climbed a small ridge to examine them. The Wabbit lifted a pod and shook it. Lapinette did the same. Then the Wabbit patted his with a paw and spoke. "Bio pod Three, report." The pod spun a little, whining like a humming top. "You don't say!" murmured the Wabbit; "Tell me more." The pod spun again, humming intermittently. The Wabbit lifted his radio. "Lepus, we have the coordinates. Please copy." The Wabbit listed a long and complicated series of numbers, followed by a similar series of letters in the Greek alphabet. The radio crackled. "Copy that. Out." Lapinette looked at her pod, shook it and tapped it. Then she lifted it to her ear and listened. There was nothing. "Bio pod! Report!" she yelled, shaking it hard and bouncing it from the ground. It remained silent. The Wabbit hopped across and kicked the pod viciously. It began to glow. "Aha," said the Wabbit," "That must be Bio pod Two. It doesn't say much." Lapinette hung on to the glowing pod as it started to tug her inland at a furious rate. The Wabbit grabbed her frock and lolloped behind her. "Where are we going?" yelled Lapinette. "Two places at once," shouted the Wabbit ...

10.The Wabbit and the Critical Mass

The Lepus engines fired up with a judder. She sliced into the blue planet's orbit then out again. But instead of gaining velocity, she slowed dramatically. Space between blue and black planets was dense and silvery. It was like sailing through starry mud. Skratch's voice barked over the speakers. "Every vent is clogged, Commander. The engines are suffocating." The Wabbit switched on the Stealthicator and the Lepus half disappeared. The pirate flag did not and it seemed to wave a warning. The Wabbit shrugged and reversed the Stealthicator. The Lepus reappeared. All its lights came on. The foghorn blasted again and again. "Vents are clear," Commander," said Skratch. The starry mud seemed to drain away. Captain Jenny scrutinised the blue planet. The Wabbit took bearings and checked instruments. He shook his head. "Shouldn't the planet rotate?" Lapinette shook her head too. "It must be tidally locked." "I see no tide," said Jenny. "It's just an expression," replied Lapinette; "Think of it as gravity." The Wabbit smiled. "If it's locked, it might be a Twilight Planet with a habitable zone." They had a swift conference. "We'll send down the bio pods," said the Wabbit. "You know what happened last time," sighed Lapinette. "This time I took precautions," said the Wabbit. Lapinette raised an eyebrow. "I gave them a good talking to," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Planet Mashup

"Shields up!" said the Wabbit. His radio crackled with Skratch's voice. "The shields are far from ready, Commander." Jenny rocked back and rolled slightly. "Raise them anyway." The Lepus vibrated. "Please let them work," breathed Lapinette. The white planet smashed into the black planet. A flash lit the sky. Every rivet in the Lepus shook. Then nothing. The white planet lay nudged against the black. "Wait," said Jenny. The black planet separated and swam into a low orbit. Then it headed straight for the Lepus. "Full astern," yelled Jenny. Skratch's voice rang out from the speakers. "She'll no move!" "Down shields!" shouted the Wabbit. The shields dropped and a triple blast hit the Lepus. Lapinette covered her ears with her paws and hung on. The Lepus curved behind the blue planet and stopped. All was still until the radio burst into life. "We only have auxiliary." said Skratch. The Lepus lurched and started to move. "It's no me," crackled Skratch. Lapinette gazed into space and made rough mental measurements. "It's the blue planet," she said; "It's moving." "We're being pulled, hang on," said Skratch. Mechanical clanking issued from the engine room. The Lepus shuddered to a halt. "How d'ya do it?" smiled the Wabbit. "I have a quantum anchor," purred Skratch. "Don't tell anyone," said Jenny.

8. The Wabbit & the Dinosaur Dispute

Uproar brought the Wabbit to the cargo bay, swiftly followed by Lapinette and Skratch the Cat. Together they tried to smooth ruffled scales. The Wabbit was a bit hazy about dinosaurs so he gave his reluctant passengers names. "What's it all about Rexy?" "We want to go home," said Rexy. "Ships give us nausea," said Rap. Lapinette became sympathetic because she had no sea legs either. "It's OK in space, there's no up and down." Liz bellowed. "We don't like side to side." "Or forward and back," added Rap. The Wabbit had not the slightest notion how to deal with this. "What would you prefer?" he asked. "We like to roam!" roared the dinosaurs. Skratch shouted from the bulkhead door. "We've no got much roaming room." The Wabbit wore a thoughtful look that bode a variety of things, few of them practical. "When it's all over, we'll find you a new planet!" Lapinette winced. The dinosaurs mumbled among themselves. "Will it have a volcano?" asked Rex. "Yes," said the Wabbit quickly; "Gently warming the land around." "And lush pastures for grazing," said Rap. "Of course!" smiled the Wabbit. "And proper toilets," said Liz. "I'm fed up pooing in spiky grass." The Wabbit's smile lurched to the side and his paws flailed.  "I'll see what I can do. But I'm needed on the bridge. Any more questions will be answered by Lapinette." The Wabbit darted past Skratch and down to the bowels of the ship.

7. The Wabbit and the Short Jenny

The Wabbit and Skratch evacuated the dinosaurs and crammed them into the cargo bay. All except for one, whose name was Terry. He seemed more than happy to wing through space and pronounced it entertaining. Engines were at full capacity and for a while the Lepus made headway. But the force of the singularity tore at the flag and threatened to rip it from the mast. Jenny spoke to the engine room. "Can you give me more power, Skratch?" "Aye Captain," said Skratch, "but she'll no take it much longer." With a shudder the Lepus darted forward. "Shiver me rivets," said Jenny. She clung onto the wheel. "What next, Commander?" The Wabbit glanced from the bridge. "Hide behind the yellow planet, Try to snooker it." Terry seemed to know. He swung and with a deft movement winged to the far side of the yellow planet. The Lepus followed. The singularity carried straight on, bounced from an invisible force field and reappeared on the far side of the system. "Lost him," sighed the Wabbit. "Not for long," said Jenny. The Wabbit struck the bulkhead with a clenched paw. "Release the space plankton." A hazy cloud pumped from the funnels. The singularity seemed to inhale the vapour. Then it stopped dead and lay motionless. "Stop shot," quipped the Wabbit. Jenny swayed back and forward. "Now the white planet is closing on the black ..."
 [Short Jenny. In billiards, this constitutes an in-off shot into a middle pocket.]

6. The Wabbit and the Big Pull

"Yikes!" yelled the Wabbit. Skratch the Cat hissed long and hard. There was no more shelter, but the red dinosaur gripped them in a vice of iron as he bellowed at the sky. The Wabbit hung on to whatever he could. A rear foot pinned him to the ground, trampling his fur. He could barely breathe. Rocks warped and left the ground as the pull became irresistible. "It's a singularity," gasped the Wabbit. "Someone made this. Trust me," screeched Skratch. The singularity moved between the sun and the Green Planet. Suddenly it appeared to be aflame. "It's going away" roared the dinosaur. "It always does this." The Wabbit felt the pull diminish. He pulled his ear back into shape. Skratch tugged down his fur and adjusted his mask. "How long before the next time?" asked the Wabbit. He picked himself up and patted the red dinosaur with both paws. Skratch crept from below the giant claws and arched his back. Then he yawned. "The air seems peculiar." The dinosaur bellowed sadly. "We lose some atmosphere each time." The Wabbit froze. From deep in his unconscious came a moment of clarity.  "It's a harvester." His radio dropped from his fur and it crackled with Jenny's voice. "Commander?"  The Wabbit smiled into the radio. "Tip top." "I had to move the Lepus away." said Jenny. "Good idea. Otherwise you'd be compost," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Black Planet

The vehicles vanished and the sky grew dark. The Wabbit and Skratch found themselves pulled into a jagged cave. "I brought you to shelter," said a dinosaur. "Most kind," replied the Wabbit. He fished in his fur and brought out a meal voucher. "Here's a small token of my esteem." Skratch nudged the dinosaur. "I will triple the Wabbit's generous offer, out the goodness of my own heart." He waved three vouchers. The dinosaur threw back his head and roared suspiciously. "Who takes these?" Skratch meowed seductively. "Any participating restaurant in the Sombrero Galaxy." The dinosaur took the Wabbit's voucher and tucked it under his scales. Then he took Skratch's vouchers and did the same. A strong breeze tried to pull them off their paws. The dinosaur grabbed them both and sank his mighty claws into the rocks. "Hang on." The breeze turned into a wind that quickly became a gale. Things grew darker. Rocks flew past their heads. The Wabbit held tight, but he risked a glance back. The Black Planet hung on the horizon, sucking up everything that wasn't nailed down. "It'll go in a minute," roared the dinosaur. "Where to?" yelled the Wabbit. The dinosaur dug his claws deeper into the rock. "No one cares, as long as it's not here." Skratch reached across to grasp the Wabbit's fur. The wind pulled at his eyeballs. He scrunched his face into his mask and let out a muffled yell. "That's no planet ..."

4. The Wabbit and The Green Planet

It was a stiff climb and the Wabbit and Skratch were both puffed. The Green Planet was covered in shrublings that looked like a crop of some kind. "These look yummy," said Skratch; "Do you think they're safe to nibble?" But the Wabbit's ears stood straight upright, "I hear rumbling." "I thought that was your stomach," replied Skratch. Two exploration vehicles rumbled to the edge of the cliff. "Welcome," spoke a vehicle; "May we show you to the Interpretive Centre?" Skratch grinned, because the Wabbit's aversion to such centres was well known. "Anywhere around here you can get a bite to eat?" he purred. The Wabbit proffered a polite paw. The vehicle extended a sensor. "We don't get many visitors." The Wabbit nodded and asked, "When were the last?" "You're the first," said the vehicles and they chattered to each other in a noisy series of bleeps. "We were left here by a mission from SWEEPS-11. We've seen no-one since." Skratch and the Wabbit conferred. "What is your task?" said the Wabbit. "Flora and fauna protection," replied the vehicles. The Wabbit's smile was a question. "From what?" The two vehicles threw many shapes. "When the Black Planet orbits, we hide everything or the planet sucks them up." The Wabbit spoke urgently into his radio. "Lepus, can you detect the black planet?" The radio crackled with Jenny's voice. "The black planet broke orbit. It's moving our way."

3. The Wabbit and the Snooker Planets

Captain Jenny signalled the engine room and the Lepus stood still. The Wabbit felt the faint hum of auxiliary engines to be reassuring - although his heart was pounding. "There they are," he murmured; "Just where the map said." The Lepus swung in a distant orbit round an angry sun. Lapinette touched his shoulder. "They remind me of something." "Pool," said Jenny. The Wabbit shook his head. "Snooker." Jenny and Lapinette had a confab. "What colour has the most points?" "Black, seven" shrugged the Wabbit; "Black, pink, blue, brown, green, yellow, red." "How would you play this one?" asked Lapinette. "We need a break off," answered the Wabbit; "to get everything rolling." Jenny whirled the ship's wheel, which was only for effect. "Send out your Cailleach to stir them up, Commander." The Wabbit wasted no time and a giant Cailleach appeared close to the planets. A loud complaint issued immediately from the engine room. "Ye canna have holographics for long, Commander. It's braw but it's hard on fuel." "Look. Something happened," said Lapinette, She pointed to the Green Planet. "Magnify on screen!" shouted the Wabbit. The Green Planet repeatedly became bigger, then smaller. It seemed like it was breathing. "Looks like our kind of planet," said Lapinette; "but how much is it worth?" "Three," sighed the Wabbit.
[Background: NASA/JPL-Caltech  under Creative Commons Licence]

2. The Wabbit and the Ship Trials

Lapinette waited with baited breath. The Wabbit was nonchalant and lifted his walkie talkie to his ear. The radio crackled with Captain Jenny's voice. "Stage one complete. All systems optimal." The Lepus hung over the moonlit bay, throwing waves of energy to the surface. Jenny's voice sounded cheerful. "Compliments, Commander." The Wabbit grinned. Light from his 28 teeth flashed choppy reflections across the harbour. He spoke into the radio. "Up works. Now try down." The Lepus sank until her hull grazed the water. "Up again and try port and starboard thrusts." The Lepus pirouetted like a Mariinsky ballerina in Swan Lake. "Ooooh," murmured Lapinette; "your work is done!"  "Not quite," smiled the Wabbit. His mouth pressed aginst the radio. "Now loop the loop." The radio crackled with pirate expletives. "It's the red button at the base of the helm," said the Wabbit. "Aye Commander," said Jenny. The Lepus vanished. Lapinette counted the seconds and crossed her paws. Lightning flashed. The Lepus appeared upside down in the far sky and just as quickly vanished. Lapinette counted again. With hardly a splash, the Lepus settled in the harbour. Lapinette's sigh of relief lasted for ever. The Wabbit lifted his radio. "Jenny, report." Jenny's voice was a croak. "OK Commander, just a bit of upchuck." "We'll live," said the Wabbit.
[Upchuck: Vomit (US slang )]
[Photo credit: Background scene - Camilla Galli da Bino]

1. The Wabbit and the 7 Planet Trip

It was quiet on the Big Bridge. At half a kilometre long and seventy metres high, the bridge was perfect. No-one could hear them talk about the next mission. Far below, a high speed train broke the silence as it squeaked across junctions and into Porta Nuova station. Lapinette danced a little jig to the rhythm. "Sail me to the stars," she sang. "Far past Jupiter and Mars," sang the Wabbit. "In other words, hold my paw," sang Wabsworth. "In other words, baby kiss me," warbled Lapinette. They all laughed, until a distant cry wailed along the footpath. "Me first," shouted Skratch the Cat. The Wabbit grinned ear to ear. "Now that we're here, it's time to plan the ... ." A goods train rumbled by and drowned him out. "The new planets are forty light years away," said Lapinette; "So I'll bring my fur drier and stuff." The Wabbit made a mental note regarding cargo space. "Let's give these seven planets names," said Skratch with a wag of his tail. "Maybe after we've been there?" suggested Wabsworth. "Oh that's no fun," said Lapinette. "Go on Wabsworth. You start!" Wabsworth smiled because had already thought of names. "Maia and Eleckra," he said; "Asterië, Merope, Taygeta, Halcyone and Celæno." "They're taken," said Lapinette. "Anyway, I thought one could be Lapinette." "You're more of a star than a planet," winked the Wabbit.