4. The Wabbit and The Green Planet

It was a stiff climb and the Wabbit and Skratch were both puffed. The Green Planet was covered in shrublings that looked like a crop of some kind. "These look yummy," said Skratch; "Do you think they're safe to nibble?" But the Wabbit's ears stood straight upright, "I hear rumbling." "I thought that was your stomach," replied Skratch. Two exploration vehicles rumbled to the edge of the cliff. "Welcome," spoke a vehicle; "May we show you to the Interpretive Centre?" Skratch grinned, because the Wabbit's aversion to such centres was well known. "Anywhere around here you can get a bite to eat?" he purred. The Wabbit proffered a polite paw. The vehicle extended a sensor. "We don't get many visitors." The Wabbit nodded and asked, "When were the last?" "You're the first," said the vehicles and they chattered to each other in a noisy series of bleeps. "We were left here by a mission from SWEEPS-11. We've seen no-one since." Skratch and the Wabbit conferred. "What is your task?" said the Wabbit. "Flora and fauna protection," replied the vehicles. The Wabbit's smile was a question. "From what?" The two vehicles threw many shapes. "When the Black Planet orbits, we hide everything or the planet sucks them up." The Wabbit spoke urgently into his radio. "Lepus, can you detect the black planet?" The radio crackled with Jenny's voice. "The black planet broke orbit. It's moving our way."

3. The Wabbit and the Snooker Planets

Captain Jenny signalled the engine room and the Lepus stood still. The Wabbit felt the faint hum of auxiliary engines to be reassuring - although his heart was pounding. "There they are," he murmured; "Just where the map said." The Lepus swung in a distant orbit round an angry sun. Lapinette touched his shoulder. "They remind me of something." "Pool," said Jenny. The Wabbit shook his head. "Snooker." Jenny and Lapinette had a confab. "What colour has the most points?" "Black, seven" shrugged the Wabbit; "Black, pink, blue, brown, green, yellow, red." "How would you play this one?" asked Lapinette. "We need a break off," answered the Wabbit; "to get everything rolling." Jenny whirled the ship's wheel, which was only for effect. "Send out your Cailleach to stir them up, Commander." The Wabbit wasted no time and a giant Cailleach appeared close to the planets. A loud complaint issued immediately from the engine room. "Ye canna have holographics for long, Commander. It's braw but it's hard on fuel." "Look. Something happened," said Lapinette, She pointed to the Green Planet. "Magnify on screen!" shouted the Wabbit. The Green Planet repeatedly became bigger, then smaller. It seemed like it was breathing. "Looks like our kind of planet," said Lapinette; "but how much is it worth?" "Three," sighed the Wabbit.
[Background: NASA/JPL-Caltech  under Creative Commons Licence]

2. The Wabbit and the Ship Trials

Lapinette waited with baited breath. The Wabbit was nonchalant and lifted his walkie talkie to his ear. The radio crackled with Captain Jenny's voice. "Stage one complete. All systems optimal." The Lepus hung over the moonlit bay, throwing waves of energy to the surface. Jenny's voice sounded cheerful. "Compliments, Commander." The Wabbit grinned. Light from his 28 teeth flashed choppy reflections across the harbour. He spoke into the radio. "Up works. Now try down." The Lepus sank until her hull grazed the water. "Up again and try port and starboard thrusts." The Lepus pirouetted like a Mariinsky ballerina in Swan Lake. "Ooooh," murmured Lapinette; "your work is done!"  "Not quite," smiled the Wabbit. His mouth pressed aginst the radio. "Now loop the loop." The radio crackled with pirate expletives. "It's the red button at the base of the helm," said the Wabbit. "Aye Commander," said Jenny. The Lepus vanished. Lapinette counted the seconds and crossed her paws. Lightning flashed. The Lepus appeared upside down in the far sky and just as quickly vanished. Lapinette counted again. With hardly a splash, the Lepus settled in the harbour. Lapinette's sigh of relief lasted for ever. The Wabbit lifted his radio. "Jenny, report." Jenny's voice was a croak. "OK Commander, just a bit of upchuck." "We'll live," said the Wabbit.
[Upchuck: Vomit (US slang )]
[Photo credit: Background scene - Camilla Galli da Bino]

1. The Wabbit and the 7 Planet Trip

It was quiet on the Big Bridge. At half a kilometre long and seventy metres high, the bridge was perfect. No-one could hear them talk about the next mission. Far below, a high speed train broke the silence as it squeaked across junctions and into Porta Nuova station. Lapinette danced a little jig to the rhythm. "Sail me to the stars," she sang. "Far past Jupiter and Mars," sang the Wabbit. "In other words, hold my paw," sang Wabsworth. "In other words, baby kiss me," warbled Lapinette. They all laughed, until a distant cry wailed along the footpath. "Me first," shouted Skratch the Cat. The Wabbit grinned ear to ear. "Now that we're here, it's time to plan the ... ." A goods train rumbled by and drowned him out. "The new planets are forty light years away," said Lapinette; "So I'll bring my fur drier and stuff." The Wabbit made a mental note regarding cargo space. "Let's give these seven planets names," said Skratch with a wag of his tail. "Maybe after we've been there?" suggested Wabsworth. "Oh that's no fun," said Lapinette. "Go on Wabsworth. You start!" Wabsworth smiled because had already thought of names. "Maia and Eleckra," he said; "Asterië, Merope, Taygeta, Halcyone and Celæno." "They're taken," said Lapinette. "Anyway, I thought one could be Lapinette." "You're more of a star than a planet," winked the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit unfolded a colourful chart. "I made a rough copy of the star map." Silence fell in the Adventure Caffè. "I coloured it in," explained the Wabbit; "It's all the rage." Lapinette pointed to the chart. "What's that red area?" "That is our target area," replied the Wabbit. "The new planets are there - all M Class but their sun is well dodgy." Skratch the Cat gestured impatiently. "Look, if we don't understand our last adventure, we'll have no clue about the next." Wabsworth rapped the table. "All right, I'll explain. Our journey took on the attributes of a road movie." Skratch purred quietly. "But the road movie is an arrested gaze and should not be taken literally." Lapinette chimed in. "Yes, our Wablantis journey was an accretion of elements that never implied continuity." Wabsworth smiled an infuriating smile that he'd learned from Skratch. "So meaning emerges as narrative construction fades into forgottenness." "That's Heidegger," observed Lapinette. The Wabbit suddenly tapped the chart and spoke strictly. "Phenomenology won't get us to these planets, but I know what will." He paused for effect. "The Lepus will scoop up fuel particles from space, just like a whale in the sea." Lapinette shook her head. "We won't have enough thrust." The Wabbit disagreed. "I invented a quantum turbo." "What does it feel like?" asked Lapinette. "Like being inside a barrel, rolling down a hill," grinned the Wabbit.

18. The Wabbit and the Arrival Home

The Lepus sailed into Trieste harbour on a calm evening. To the Wabbit it felt like they'd never left but Nessie broke suddenly through the mirror surface of calm water. "Debriefing at 19.00 hours," said the Wabbit. "Aye aye," said Nessie. "I'll just swim awa' doon to the Grand Canal." "Please be discrete," murmured the Wabbit.  Nessie vanished with a giant splash and a monster laugh. "Commander?" said Jenny. The Wabbit nodded. "What about the spy?" continued Jenny. The Wabbit smiled broadly. "He's still with us." Jenny looked unhappy and growled. "We'll make him dance the hempen jig!" The Wabbit shook his head. "Let's keep him where we can see him." They both paused and watched the water slip by.  "And the new map?" said Jenny. "It's a star chart," said the Wabbit. "Then you won't be needing me." said Jenny sadly. The Wabbit put his paws behind his back and swayed a little like Jenny. "The Lepus engines get a retro fit. You'll be the first pirate ferry to sail space." Jenny's face lit up. "I suppose the sailing principles are the same." Now the Wabbit's face beamed. "I had an idea for tachyon propulsion and it seems just the job." "Have you tried it?" asked Jenny. "Yes," said the Wabbit, "I used a rubber duck in the bath"  "And it works?" asked Jenny. "The bath disappeared," said the Wabbit.

17. The Wabbit and the Big Broadside.

The Wabbit looked over the rail. Wablantis was shrouded in a mist that hung over the sea like wet washing. The Wabbit signalled to the bridge. "Bring her round Jenny and steady as she goes."  The Lepus swung. So did the cannon. "Lock," said the Wabbit. "On my mark. Fire!" He lifted a paw. The coast shook.  "Again," said the Wabbit. The frackers' installation crumbled. "One more," breathed the Wabbit. The Lepus spat fire. The Wabbit watched a dull flame bathe the buildings as they collapsed to rubble. Now the installation was a flat one. The sea heaved. A plesiosaur broke through the waves and grew larger until its head and neck towered above the deck. Nessie boomed in a mighty voice. "Ye'll be needin' a pilot." Then he turned and headed slowly out to sea. The Wabbit signalled the bridge. "Follow that monster." The radio crackled with telegraph signals. "Slow ahead." The bow of the Lepus ploughed quietly through the mist, taking Nessie's route though the reefs. Suddenly they were beyond the mist and in open sea. "This way" boomed Nessie. The Wabbit's ears made a hollow noise. He could vaguely hear the cannon although gunfire had long stopped - and he felt a little dizzy. His radio crackled. "The bar is open," said Jenny. "I thought it never closed," cheered the Wabbit.

16. The Wabbit and the Added Map

The sky seemed to reflect the island and it bathed the Wabbit in an aquamarine glow as he rummaged in the bag. He knew very well that Wabsworth had appeared behind him but he continued to rummage. "I'll give you a receipt for the cash," said Wabsworth, "and I will enter the sum in the seized assets ledger." The Wabbit dug deeper and reached into the lining of the bag. "I don't care about the money." He gently pulled out a scroll and squinted at it. "I came for this, it's a map." He passed it to Wabsworth who unrolled it as the Wabbit explained. "The Wablantis map was lost on our last trip and somehow the frackers found it and came here." Wabsworth stared at the map. Then he turned it round and looked on the back. "Someone has added a new map." The Wabbit ran has eyes across it in wonder. "It's a star map!" Wabsworth scanned the map and let his circuits consult his memory banks. "These are earth-like planets, circling a sun which is provisionally known as Wablet-1." "There's a note underneath," pointed the Wabbit. "It says the whole place is terribly dangerous and on no account should anyone even consider making a trip." Wabsworth's scowl had some humour. "Then the authors of the new map are hiding something." The Wabbit chortled. "So let's play hide and seek ..!"

15. The Wabbit and the Frackers' Loot

The red rabbits attacked and the frackers ran for cover. Lapinette flew Susan the Biplane shouting orders, while below, the rabbits made short work of cables and pipes.  "I can see the Wabbit," said Susan. Lapinette shook her head. "The Wabbit isn't scheduled for this sortie." "He appears to be watching where the frackers are running to," said Susan. "but I recall he said not to worry about prisoners." Lapinette shook her head again. "I never quite know what he means by that." On the ground, frackers abandoned everything. They even took things from their pockets and scattered them as they scurried for the docks. Rabbit teeth snapped with the power of leg traps. "Just shake them off," cried a foreman fracker, "They're only rabbits." He yelped as a bunny bit him on the hand and cursed as another bit through his boot. A distant roughneck yelled at the top of his voice. "I told you we shouldn't have taken this job." "It was good money," said his mate. "Where is the money?" said another. His voice floated across the fractured earth. The foreman looked back and pointed at a shaking building. "In the office safe. It's OK, I have the key." But there were more and more rabbits and the roughnecks ran faster. The Wabbit ducked inside the building, emerging with a note-stuffed carpet bag. "Gotta pay for this mission somehow."

14. Lapinette and the Red Rabbits

Red rabbits appeared everywhere - they all had walkie talkies and their chatter filled the airwaves. "Fracking station 5 clicks." "Land Unit Five, ready to hop." "Coast Unit Six, ready to hop." "This is Seven. I got six squirters with their hair on fire, running for the boats." Lapinette's voice cut across the chatter. "Break Break." Silence fell. "I have a message from the Wabbit," crackled Lapinette, "I say again. The Wabbit." The Wabbit spoke with a voice he used purely for radio communication. "Red Rabbits, this is dangerous mission. From now it is imperative that you talk only through the barnstormer. Out." Lapinette's radio crackled immediately until every channel was full. Lapinette muted the radio; she knew Susan the Biplane was peeved. "The barnstormer? Is that me?" Lapinette shook her head. "I'm afraid that's me. We're going to surprise them. Hammerhead." Susan's engine growled. "Right away Ma'am." She shot vertically up, then slowed. The engine seemed to die. Susan plunged nose first to the ground. Lapinette braced for impact but Susan spiralled left then cartwheeled across the island and back. Lapinette lifted her radio with an unsteady paw. "Red Rabbits. You are go. Hop, skip and jump."  She pointed to panicked frackers. "Scare them up, Susan." "With pleasure," said Susan, "Hesitation rolls?" Lapinette's stomach rolled like the sea. "I should have skipped breakfast."

13. Ghost Bunny and Extra Ordnance

Ghost Bunny was in a hurry. "One hundred boxes to be transported to the surface." "Be careful with them," said the Wabbit. "The ordnance can be unpredictable." Another crate sped up the hoist. "Who are you expecting?" asked Ghost Bunny, "Is it Genghis Khan?" "Oh, nothing so romantic," said the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny laughed. Her laughs were wails but then her voice dropped. "We spotted a fracking spy amongst the crates." "Did you label the crates like I said?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes, as magic tricks," replied Ghost Bunny. "Nearly capture the spy then let him escape," said the Wabbit. Lapinette chimed in. "The Frackers will think bunnies came out of a hat for Easter." Ghost Bunny wailed long and hard. "A hat trick!" She shot the Wabbit a withering look. "What's in the crates?" The Wabbit snickered. "Mechanical bunnies." "They're completely terrifying," said Lapinette. "Everyone runs away," said the Wabbit. "That's the theory anyway," said Lapinette. Ghost Bunny fluttered around. "Why don't you let me haunt the frackers and make them run away?" "They already haunt themselves," shrugged Lapinette. The Wabbit explained the plan. "On shore, our mechanical bunnies will chew their cables and bite their ankles," Lapinette continued. "On the coast, Jenny will storm the frackers with the Wabbit's Cailleach," Ghost Bunny was disappointed. "Then why do you need me?" "I have a special job for you," smiled the Wabbit. "I'm hoping they'll see right through you."

12. The Wabbit and the Aqua Route.

The Wabbit and Lapinette went ahead. "I don't think the dump is compromised." Lapinette's whisper sounded like thunder. "The Wabbit drew an automatic and waved it. "Take no chances." The world of Wablantis was well defended but far from impregnable. Outside, the ocean lapped against whatever it was that held things together. A daemon accompanied them through azure depths. It made a threshing noise like a paddle steamer and every so often it let out a plaintive cry that set the Wabbit's 28 teeth on edge. Lapinette's eyes were everywhere. "How do we get past the sentinel?" The Wabbit lifted his automatic and breathed down the barrel. The gun shrieked and pulsed. A voice answered from the end of the passage. "Who goes there?" The voice was a haunt and the haunt was a voice. The Wabbit nudged Lapinette and Lapinette smiled. "I'm Trixie Beaujolais." "There is yet another," wailed the voice. "Tell me what other goes there?" "It's the Wabbit, for goodness sake," sighed the Wabbit. The passageway groaned. "Your code name?" screeched the voice. The Wabbit groaned and muttered inaudibly. "Salad." "Speak up," wailed the voice. "Salad McSandwich!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette shook with laughter. "The sentinel is Ghost Bunny?" The Wabbit scowled. "She said she wanted work."

11. The Wabbit and the Hidden Cavern

"There's the cavern," said the Wabbit. "And there's the daemons," replied Captain Jenny. She span the wheel. Engines whined. The Lepus moved sideways. "I'm going in, signal or not." "Broadside manoeuvre," observed the Wabbit. "This is a ferry," said Jenny, "not an aircraft carrier." The two daemons advanced on the Lepus, jumping, submerging, then jumping again. Jenny turned to the Wabbit. "The signal?" The Wabbit tried desperately to remember. "It will come,"  "It better come soon," said Jenny. The water threshed as another monster surfaced from beneath the Lepus. "Nessie!" shouted the Wabbit. Nessie roared at the Wabbit. "The daemons have gone a bit deaf, whit wae a' that seismic blasting." Now the Wabbit's memory triggered. "Hoist the Jolly Roger." The flag went up the mast, but there was hardly a breath of wind and it hung as limp as a dish rag. Nessie roared again. The blast shook the pirate flag into life. It fluttered like a star and at once the two daemons dived, turned and surfaced. Spray turned to water sprites who danced around them. "Follow these daemons!" shouted the Wabbit - but he was wasting his breath. An undertow caught the Lepus in a grip of iron and steadily drew her and Nessie deep into the cavern ...  

10. The Wabbit and the Two Daemons

Wablantis was in sight. The Lepus held her position. Lapinette and Susan the Biplane buzzed from ship to shore. Lapinette's voice echoed round the bridge. "The sea frackers moved away as planned." Jenny swayed in her pirate fashion. "Commander, your Cailleach used a lot of power. Now we need supplies. Fuel bunkers are nearly empty." The Wabbit nodded. "Supplies are located in our cavern on the other side of the island."  "Ah," said Jenny, "My charts says there be daemons." The Wabbit shook his head. To convince unwelcome guests, holographic daemons of his invention stalked the coast, wailing intermittently like ships' foghorns. "The daemons are all mine." smiled the Wabbit. Jenny was sceptical. She strode past the Wabbit and took the wheel. "Emergency. Control to wheelhouse." The Lepus shimmied and moved forward like a ghost. Jenny spun the wheel, then spun it back. The Lepus heaved sharply, then slewed sideways to the coast. The Wabbit lurched to the controls. "Our cavern is guarded by two aquatic daemons who will move aside on our signal." "Holograms?" asked Jenny. "No, no," said the Wabbit, "They're quite real." "So what's the signal?" yelled Jenny. The Wabbit rummaged in his fur. "I knew I'd forgotten something ..."

9. Moloch and the Weird Explanation

Even with his seven league boots Moloch couldn't get to Wablantis in time. The ground rippled and erupted into a rash of mounds. Noxious fumes from the offshore fracker filled the air. There was no time to lose. Moloch stepped forward and shouted, 'Denizens!'" Small creatures gathered around him. "Have you brought sago?" they yelled. Moloch did his best to smile benevolently. "It's coming," he said quietly, "The Wabbit is bringing it," A cheer went up. "He will save us!" Moloch checked the time and looked out to sea. "It should be about now," he muttered. All was calm except for a small reddish cloud. Suddenly, lightning painted the horizon and a shape loomed. Electricity arced around the bows of a lowering Lepus and there, looking over the side, was the Wabbit. The Denizens cheered and cheered. The Wabbit waved once. The Denizens grew delirious and hoarse from cheering. Moloch called for calm and the Denizens turned courteously. But when they turned back, the Lepus and the lightning - and indeed, the Wabbit - had all disappeared. Moloch chose not to speak of anti-matter to the Denizens. Instead he became inventive. "That was the Wabbit's Cailleach." He thought fast. "A spirit which he sends in advance to cheer his allies." Moloch paused and shrugged. "Mainly, it's to scare the bejasus out of his enemies." From the corner of his eye, he saw the fracking vessel move away.  "It scares me too."
[Cailleach : Mythological Scottish hag spirit, malevolent or benevolent, a protector of animals.]