13. The Wabbit and the Nuts Question

Lapinette felt sorry for Wabsworth because he was always so strong. But now he looked washed out. His paws trembled and his nose twitched. Hosting an alien traveller had proved wearing. Quantum rushed through space to co-ordinates specified by the Wabbit. "Head for Planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb," he'd snapped. Lapinette shook her head. "I don't think the traveller is the Alien Pilot." No," replied the Wabbit, "but he drinks in every hostelry in the quadrant. He'll know where to find our fellow." Lapinette sighed. "Then what?" "I require a quiet word with him," said Wabsworth. Lapinette fumbled in her fur and tossed him an automatic. "Take Mr Makarov with you. He's most diplomatic." Quantum flashed through a region they'd never seen before where stars were blossom and planets, gravel. "Fasten your seat belts, ladies and gentlemen," said Skratch over the speakers as Quantum shuddered violently. "We don't have any." smiled the Wabbit. Skratch laughed. "Then would anyone like a drink from the bar?" Lapinette's paw shot in the air. "A triple distilled carrot aperitivo" The speakers crackled. "Coming right up," said Skratch. "with pistachio nut sprinkles," added Lapinette. "We're right out of pistachios," yelled Skratch. "Nuts, nuts, nuts," mused the Wabbit. "Now I did hear of a bar called 'Insanire Furiosi'." Wabsworth played with the slide on his automatic. "Lunatic Madmen," he muttered.

12. The Wabbit & an Android in Space

Quantum the Train received an emergency transmission that sent them scurrying to a damp, misty planet no-one had ever heard of. The signal came from an agent's location beacon and soon the Wabbit and Lapinette were looking at a lifeless Wabsworth on a featureless beach. "Wabsworth!" yelled Lapinette, "He can't hear you," said the Wabbit, "I think he's switched off." He groped under Wabsworth's fur. Lapinette groped too. "What are we looking for?" "A reboot button," said the Wabbit. Lapinette was amazed. "I didn't know he had one." The Wabbit's smile was grim. "He doesn't advertise it.  Ah, here we are."  Wabsworth suddenly lurched and gasped, "Where am I?" Lapinette wanted to get to the point. "Where were you, Wabsworth?" Wabsworth's innards grumbled long and loud and he shed some of his coat. "My circuits were in the grip of a daemon, a trickster, a space traveller." The Wabbit looked down and punched buttons on his walkie talkie. "Transport for three please." Then he turned to Wabsworth. "Was this traveller a pain in the backside?" "He was a pain in every side," replied Wabsworth, "I was forced to be Emperor Cuniculus and act imperious." "How did that feel?" asked Lapinette. "Powerful yet impotent," growled Wabsworth. "Events took place and I could do nothing to alter them." "Sounds like life," murmured the Wabbit. He picked up the remains of the travellers cloak and sniffed them. "Something familiar," he murmured.  Quantum locked onto their coordinates and they shimmered and vanished.

11. The Wabbit and the Lattice Drive

They crowded into Quantum's cab and gazed into the distance. The something started as an orange dot but it grew rapidly like an ant on steroids. Lapinette hunched over the controls. "It's Nine the Tram and he's motoring!" Skratch shielded his eyes. "He's catching up. He's on collision course and he'll be here soon." "Got a time?" asked the Wabbit. "Now," answered Lapinette. Nine the Tram loomed impossibly large. He was so close the Wabbit could spot worn upholstery on the seats. Skratch vaguely read a window advert for computer training and he braced for impact. Everyone did. The Wabbit screwed up his eyes and mumbled a prayer. But there was no collision - nothing but a brief moment of being part of a tram. For Skratch it felt orange and tasted of metal. Lapinette could smell rubber and oil and vegetables from the market. The Wabbit rubbed sand from his eyes and let out a belch of compressed air. Then Nine was gone. All that remained was a faint clang of a bell and the grinding of metal on metal. The Wabbit sat down. "My insides feel funny." "Mine too," purred Skratch. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "Have you been modifying things again?" The Wabbit shuffled his paws and shrugged. "It's early days for the Lattice Drive." Lapinette stamped heavily on Quantum's footplate. "Did you try it out anywhere first?" "I tried it on Nine the Tram," sighed the Wabbit.

10. The Wabbit in the Quantum Caffè

Quantum the Train continued to vibrate as he whistled down the hole in the Void. The Wabbit put his paws to his head. "My head feels this big." "It is that big!" yelled Lapinette. Skratch the Cat looked at the Wabbit. "What in the name of feline felinity is going on?" Lapinette hopped up and down. "This is the silliest adventure you ever got me into!" The Wabbit sighed. "You can say that again!" "This is the silliest adventure you ever got me into," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked out of the window. "We're still in a hole?" Quantum always spoke over the loudspeakers for effect. "It's more of a tunnel, Wabbit." The Wabbit groaned. "How long, Quantum?" "It doesn't have length exactly," said Quantum and he sounded his horn, a single tone blast that fried the ears of anyone close. Although this was without substance in the Void, passengers flinched and reached for painkillers. "That Emperor is not who he says he is," said Skratch. "Enlighten me," sighed the Wabbit. Skratch pawed the air. "He's a meddler, a buttinsky, an intergalactic pain in the backside." "A quidnunc!" hissed Lapinette. "What's a quidnunc?" asked the Wabbit. "A busybody who went to college," purred Skratch. Quantum's horn blasted again and his voice growled though the speakers. "Something coming our way." Lapinette's paws prickled. "What kind of something?" A bang shook the dining car as Quantum reversed Lattice Drive and sped backwards. "Something differently different ..!"

9. The Wabbit and a Transfer of Space

Susan the Biplane flew straight though the wall and emerged in a very different space. "OK," said the Wabbit, taking the controls, "what next?" Lapinette balanced on a wing because that was the only room there was. "What sector is this?" Susan banked, although that was fairly relative. "We're still in the void Ma'am, but there's a hole." "We're always in holes," sighed Lapinette. "I can transfer you," said Susan, "just give me a nanosecond." Suddenly space was full. Quantum the Time Travelling Train appeared over the horizon - if indeed you could call it a horizon - and he shimmered in the light of a strange planet. The Wabbit looked at the planet and smiled as a dozen red spiders cut across a silver dust ring. "We haven't much time," said Susan. "We're all going in. Think cargo." Quantum the Time Travelling Train turned a full circle and opened his rear doors. Susan looped the loop and flew into the hold. Marshall Duetta and her squadron of red spiders took up the rear and the doors slammed shut. Quantum vibrated as he engaged Lattice Drive and dived at the hole. The shudder was violent. Everyone felt ill. Skratch coughed up three fur balls. Lapinette's ears tangled round her legs. The Wabbit's fur polarized and he stuck to the fuselage. Duetta's spiders ejected a mass of web that filled the carriage. It was only then that Quantum spoke. "I'm afraid you're obliged to clear all this up."

8. The Wabbit and a Plane too Far

The Wabbit and Lapinette reappeared. There was no mist. All was quiet. The Wabbit wore a puzzled face. "This is the Metro," he nodded. Lapinette could see it was the Metro but it didn't feel like it. "Sounds like a train's coming," said the Wabbit. "Sounds like a plane's coming!" yelled Lapinette and she held fast to her ears. The Wabbit's 28 teeth jiggled. "A biplane," he shouted. They both ducked. "Susan Stooooooop!" yelled a voice. Susan the Biplane crashed to a stop and hung over the tracks. Her airscrew span for a while then it stopped too. "Hello Wabbit," purred Skratch, "where are we?" Silence fell while the Wabbit considered - then he shrugged. "In The Void." Skratch hissed softly. "It has a lot of stuff in it for a Void." Lapinette folded back her ears and straightened her frock as best she could. "We seemed to have quite filled it." Susan's engine burst into life and her airscrew began to turn. "Jump in," she said urgently, "before we're null and void." "Susan, do you know the way out?" asked the Wabbit and he hopped up on the rails. "I can try," said Susan. Slowly the biplane turned 180 degrees. "That looks like a wall," said the Wabbit. Susan's airscrew whined. "It's the way we came in, Sir." Skratch nodded. Then he felt his paws to make sure they were still attached. The whine was deafening and Lapinette covered her ears as they rocketed towards the wall. "Wabbit, this isn't an official engine!" "Daimler Benz," said the Wabbit. "Found it in a dumpster," purred Skratch and he covered his eyes ...

7. The Wabbit and The Void Show

The mist cleared. The Wabbit and Lapinette were watching themselves on a game show where Emperor Cuniculus was the live host. "Welcome to The Void," said Cuniculus, "and this afternoon, the Wabbit and Lapinette will be answering questions on ,,," The Wabbit grasped his chair and Lapinette's paw. To his relief, he found them real enough. "... on the subject of their Adventures," continued Cuniculus. "Oh no!" whispered the Wabbit, "I can't remember a thing." Lapinette looked carefully at the big screen and decided she needed a new wardrobe. "Let them sort it out." she sighed, "Let who sort which what who?" asked the Wabbit. "Those two them," replied Lapinette. She pointed at the screen. "They're not really us." Cuniculus drew himself up and waved a ceremonial paw. "Wabbit! In your Adventures, what is the coach number of the Tram who goes into the Late Tunnel." "2824," said the Wabbit under his breath. "Nine," said the Wabbit on the screen. "That is the wrong answer," said Cuniculus. "It's 2824." "That Wabbit's worse than useless," groaned the Wabbit. "Listen!" hissed Lapinette. Cuniculus addressed the screen. "Lapinette!" he shouted, "what is five to the power of zero?" "One," muttered Lapinette from her chair. "Zero," said the screen Lapinette. Cuniculus laughed. "No - it's one. You both answered wrongly so you may not leave the Void." The mist rose and tickled the Wabbit's nose. Lapinette felt her chair dissolve. Suddenly the Wabbit sneezed. Stage, screen and host vanished into the mist ...

6. Skratch and the Lost Wabbit

The Wabbit and Lapinette had been missing some time. Not a single sighting had been reported for days and the Department was in a state of alarm. Skratch and Susan the Biplane buzzed a parallel sweep across the city but there was no sign of the pair of them. "Anything?" muttered Skratch, although he knew the answer. "No Sir," said Susan. She dropped altitude and started again. "I don't have a rank," said Skratch. "I'm a cat." "You sound like the Wabbit," said Susan. Her airscrew sliced the air with a monotonous whine. Skratch grinned then paused. "Hey, wait a minute, I saw something." Susan circled and held steady. Skratch hesitated. "What I really meant was, I didn't see something." "Explain," said Susan. "It's curious," meaowed Skratch. "I can't see the Roman Gates." Susan dropped further. They could make out streets and grass and trees - but of the old Roman Gates, there was no trace. "What about that mist?" asked Skratch. "No mist was forecast," said Susan sternly. Suddenly she shot upwards but the mist followed. Skratch stared at Susan's wings. They shimmered in a translucent haze. "Should I be able to see through your wings?" he asked. "I'm disappearing," said Susan, "and so are you." The mist enveloped Skratch's paw and his paw vanished. He could feel it, but no matter how much he shook it, it simply wasn't there. "We're getting lost in the mists of time," hissed Skratch.

5. The Wabbit and the Rabbit Moons

It had been the Wabbit's idea to go to the old Roman gates. Emperor Cuniculus agreed readily but when he saw them he began to change. He became bigger and bigger and floated skywards until he looked out from above the Tower. A moon appeared, hazy against the bright daytime sky. Cuniculus raised his paws and spoke. "Ex luna scientia." The moon became three. "Mater Luna!" cried Cuniculus. "Regina nocias, adiuvo me nunc." The moons became coins and on the coins were rabbits. "That's the coin," yelled Lapinette. "That's the coin I found." For once the Wabbit was lost for words. Cuniculus raised his paws once more. "By my ears!" The moons shimmered and changed place. "By my fur!" The moons coalesced and divided - then merged again in an elegant dance across the firmament. "Take me back," shouted Cuniculus. "Take me back to the ancient time when rabbits ruled the night." Light began to fade until it seemed like the darkest winter. Lapinette clutched the Wabbit's paw and although it was hot, she shivered. The moons brightened and shadows cut across the grass. Now the gates were fading and substantial though they were, they seemed like tissue.  "Something's going to give," muttered the Wabbit and he clutched Lapinette's paw. Thunder cracked and everything around them vanished. The Wabbit felt around, but his paws met nothing. They were in a void. "Where are we?" asked Lapinette. "Nowhere," said the Wabbit.
[Regina nocias, adiuvo me nunc.  Latin: Queen of the Night, help me now]

4. The Wabbit and the Dated Emperor

The Wabbit and Lapinette followed Emperor Cuniculus until he came to a church. It was the brickwork that attracted him and he felt it up and down. "This is more what I'm used to," he said. "I'm used to better than all that iron." Lapinette peered round a pillar. "What are you doing here?" she asked, "you're centuries out of date." Cuniculus drew himself up to his full height. "I am considered a modern reforming emperor. Quite the innovator according to the Gods." "Which Gods?" enquired the Wabbit. Cuniculus huffed and puffed and his eyes became redder than usual. "Oh, I can't remember. There are so many." The Wabbit smiled and let him off the hook. "You can't have enough Gods," he quipped. Lapinette tried to look serious. "Or temples," she added. Cuniculus winked at Lapinette. "They wanted to make me a God, you know - but I declined. Too much work." The Wabbit fidgeted. "That doesn't explain how you got here." "I don't know myself," said Cuniculus. "I was having a restless night. There was an enormous peal of thunder and I woke up here in this place -what do you call it?" "Torino," said Lapinette. Cuniculus looked astonished. "I must say I hardly recognise it. It's gone completely to the dogs." He paused. "But what of the Roman world?" "It's all European states now," answered the Wabbit. Cuniculus snorted. "But they all report to Rome, don't they?" "Not exactly," said Lapinette ...

3. The Wabbit and Emperor Cuniculus

"It has to be him," said the Wabbit. Lapinette shook her head. ""He's in fancy dress." Now the Wabbit shook his head - only more vigorously like a donkey. "It's Emperor Cuniculus." Lapinette wouldn't have it. "Perhaps he's a hipster." "Hipsters don't do much," said the Wabbit. Lapinette nodded in agreement. "What's he doing here, then?" she asked. Lapinette was wearing a look that the Wabbit knew well and so the he thought hard. "He's looking for his coins?" he suggested. Now Lapinette giggled. The figure turned and stared. Then he grunted in a bad tempered manner, stuck his nose in the air, wheeled and proceeded to the end of the bridge. "See!" said the Wabbit, "he's imperious." "That doesn't make him an emperor," sighed Lapinette and she giggled quietly. "Look Wabbit," she said, "That's not a robe, it's a bit of old curtain." The Wabbit became defensive. "Maybe it was the best he could do at short notice. He's come a long way" "It's just a coincidence," retorted Lapinette. The figure turned again. "I am the great Cuniculus. Kneel before me and pay homage." The Wabbit screwed up his nose. "I'm completely out of homage, but I'm on my way to the shops." "Kneel!" shouted the creature. "I'm not Neil, I'm the Wabbit." said the Wabbit, "but you can call me Commander." The creature raised a paw and a rumbling of thunder shook the bridge. "Oh, it was such lovely weather," groaned Lapinette. Cuniculus frowned and stamped his foot twice. "What land is this that has such creatures in it ..?"

2. The Wabbit and the Surprising Dig

"This isn't what I imagined, Wabbit." Lapinette was none too pleased, but she carefully sifted through the building site rubble nonetheless. "I did my best," said the Wabbit. "It was short notice." By way of compensation, the Wabbit produced a bottle of Aperol and a filled glass. "The restaurant on the piazza would like the building work to finish." "I'm sure it does," said Lapinette. "And so would I." So far she'd come up with nothing archaeological but grit and dust - and most seemed to have gone down her throat. "They had to reroute the trams," said the Wabbit by way of conversation. "Oh dear," said Lapinette without conviction. She sifted a bit more. "Hello!" she exclaimed. "I already said hello," quipped the Wabbit. "This is important, Wabbit," sighed Lapinette. "It's an old Roman coin." The Wabbit shrugged. "Masses of them round here, you can't move for old Roman coins." Lapinette held it up. It has a rabbit on one side." "What's on the other side?" laughed the Wabbit. Lapinette turned it over. "It's another rabbit," "No emperor?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette gently wiped the coin with her fur. "It says Emperor Cuniculus." The Wabbit gasped. "Then the legend is true!" Lapinette looked puzzled so the Wabbit explained. "They say that for a brief period, the Romans were led by a rabbit of enormous power." He pulled a whistle from his fur and blew it. Then he yelled with all his might. "Down tools! Everyone stops work. This site is hereby closed until further notice ..."

1. The Wabbit and the Slow Sabbatical

"Did you find anything?" Lapinette had looked forward to a night on the town, but the Wabbit shook his head. He gestured with a flick of his ears. "It's closed. Nothing there but dusty leaflets from last year." Lapinette looked disappointed. "What about the Grand Opera?" The Wabbit sighed. "Been and gone. We missed it" "I suppose we were far too busy having adventures." smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit allowed himself a lop sided grin and agreed. "All work and no play." They were quiet for a while. A chewing gum wrapper drifted slowly down the sidewalk and disappeared round a corner. The Wabbit watched it go. "I can't take the excitement," he muttered.  Lapinette thought. "Perhaps we need a hobby." The Wabbit's nose wrinkled. "We're not pensioners yet." "Then what about the Carrot Club?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit sniffed haughtily. "The Carrot Club closes in the summer for us to take sabbaticals." Lapinette was delighted. "So that means we can all go somewhere nice." "Well, it has to be carrot-related and vaguely educational." said the Wabbit quickly. Lapinette suddenly saw herself on an archaeological dig, carefully brushing dust from a fossilised carrot. Then in her vision, she raised her head and fanned herself with a linen hat. Helpers were preparing drinks and bearing them on trays to a large tent. "I have an idea," said Lapinette.

The Wabbit at the Adventure Pub

The Wabbit grabbed a stool as quickly as he could. "These are like gold dust in here," he yelled, "give me a helping paw, Wabsworth." Skratch's familiar voice floated across the bar. "What will you 'ave today father?" Glasses tinkled as the Wabbit crashed his stool around. Lapinette chimed in. "Can't you see the state of my glass?" "It's full," said Skratch. "Not for long," said Lapinette and she drank it back in a single gulp. "You don't like beer," said the Wabbit with a puzzled voice. "It ain't beer," smiled Lapinette and she winked at Skratch. Wabsworth shook his head and adopted a Cockney accent. "Wot kind of adventure was we in then?" "Horror-alien sub genre," said Skratch. "What with all these bleedin' troublemakers, it stands to reason, dunit?" Lapinette was sceptical and now she had acquired another glass. "The invaders looked just like us, and so they weren't so alien." "And they came from inside us, not outside," added Wabsworth. "Contamination," said Skratch, refusing to give up on his original argument. "But you can't have contamination from inside," said Lapinette. "Oh yes, you can," said Skratch. "It's an attack from the worst of places - inside us." The Wabbit began to feel left out. "A metaphor for loss of identity through contamination of the self?" Lapinette looked at her drink and thought for a while. Skratch polished glasses. The Wabbit span on his stool. Finally, Lapinette spoke. "My self needs a refreshment."

8. The Wabbit and the Great Escape

Turbulent air filled with cabbage leaves as a winged creature dropped from the sky. The Wabbit and Wabsworth found themselves high above the street in the safe clutches of Terni the Food Dragon. They looked at each other and then across to Terni's other talon. The monstroid creature was gibbering. "Is this an extra wabtax?" "Yes!" yelled Wabsworth. "No," shouted the Wabbit. His stitches were aching and he longed to scratch. "Where shall I drop this thing, Commander?" roared Terni. He flexed his monster wings and looped high above the rooftops. Terni's nose was pepper hot and the Wabbit fidgeted in a bad tempered way. "The Mariana Trench," he spluttered. Terni's breath painted an enormous "W" in the sky. "That's much too far, Wabbit. Would you settle for Etna?" The creature stopped drooling for an instant. "I yearn for the deep, wabtanic caverns." "What could possibly go wrong?" shrugged the Wabbit. "Just about everything," said Wabsworth, "and now I need a new coat." "Invisible mending," said the Wabbit. "Where?" asked Wabsworth. "Edinburgh," suggested the Wabbit, "my kilt maker will do it on the spot." Wabsworth nodded and spoke to Terni, "Change of plan for monster dropping." Terni smiled with a puff of fiery peppers. "Give the word." It was the Wabbit's turn to smile. "Loch Ness ... but drop us off at a pub."