The Wabbit at the Adventure Caffè

Conversation flew at the Adventure Caffè and by the time Skratch the Cat arrived, things were heated. "Question!" demanded Lapinette. She raised a paw like she'd seen in music promos. "How could Moloch be a small creature? He was never on Quantum's shuttle flights." Skratch waited silently but he knew no-one was going to ask him the question - so he answered it himself. "It was narrative non-linearity!" No one heard him so he raised his voice. "The adventure challenges the format of our stories and invites a different point of view!" Everyone looked round. "Oh hello Skratch," said the Wabbit, "I ordered you an aperitivo." Skratch looked fixedly at Moloch. "Moloch, how do you fit in to that seat?" Moloch's tummy swelled enormously. Then he laughed fit to burst and nearly did. "I discovered I could change sizes to fit into stories." His tummy rumbled and swelled again. The Wabbit waved for food and asked his own question. "How is everyone feeling after we merged?" "I don't feel different at all. Is there any beer?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit looked with horror because he knew Lapinette hated beer. "You need reprogramming," he sighed. "How does that work?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit adopted a serious expression. "Every time you ask for beer, I give you prosecco." "Oh the pain," smiled Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit's Creature Like Him

The Wabbit's nose was blocked again and he wheezed a bit. A movement disturbed him and he plucked a small creature from his fur. The creature looked just like him. It was shouting but its voice was so faint, he could barely hear it. He choked back a sniffle and bent forward. Now he could hear the odd word. "Danger, warning!" cried the creature. "Doom, annihilation." "What kind of danger?" murmured the Wabbit softly. To the creature this sounded like thunder, but he persisted in talking. The Wabbit tried very hard to hear as the creature that looked like him launched into a long explanation. He spoke urgently of antimatter and various kinds of particles of which the Wabbit had no knowledge whatsoever.  But the creature that looked like him was convincingly convincing and the Wabbit's fur stood on end. The substance of his story was an unfortunate saga of shuttle mishaps that had left particles of the Wabbit's fur all along the dust trail of the mighty Sombrero Galaxy. The Wabbit's fur was a cunning interweaving of real fur and antimatter, which allowed him to carry an extraordinary amount of kit entirely weightlessly. So this was unfortunate indeed. The Wabbit tried to speak quietly and his voice was more of a snuffle than a sniffle. "Whatsh the sholution?" "We all have to merge," said the creature. Now the Wabbit felt upset. He was beginning to like the creature that looked like him. "Will we be different?" "Better," said the creature. The Wabbit immediately turned and shouted. "Embrace the creatures!" But it was already happening ...

5. The Wabbit & the Believable Dome

The dome looked good and the Wabbit hoped it worked as well as it looked. All around him, miniature versions of himself and his team steadily advanced, making no noise whatsoever, not even tiny scuttling. The silence was overwhelming. The Wabbit dived after Lapinette and shouted. "What do we do inside?" Lapinette loped to the shelter. "Breathing space." "What the binky are these things up to?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette was nearly at the dome. "Each time they copy us, they use a bit of our DNA," she panted. ""Eventually there will be thousands of them - and nothing left of us." "Mother of Mercy!" screamed Moloch. "Is this the end of Moloch?" The Wabbit flicked one away but it made four copies of his paw and they all waved. "They're tap dancing on my nerves," shouted the Wabbit, "where's the door?" "It doesn't have a door," shouted Lapinette. "You have to believe you can go through it." With that she vanished and reappeared inside. Moloch beat his chest. "I am the Great Moloch!" He folded his arms and in an instant he was peering out from the safety of the dome. But the Wabbit shook his head. In these circumstances he only knew one effective way to get in. He took a long run and with a yell of "Open says me!" he viciously kicked the sphere. Inside, he picked himself up and limped across to look at his reflection. "That never fails," he nodded.

4. The Wabbit and the Stairway Copy

"Quickly," shouted Lapinette.  "They're coming." When they'd got the message, the Wabbit and Moloch had rushed to the Old Tower. As they panted up the steps they felt their heads clear. But although the Wabbit could scamper up anything, he hated steep. "What's going down?" he barked. "Wabbit," said Lapinette curtly. "Did you leave a model helichopper in Quantum's cab?" "On a shelf," sighed the Wabbit. "Near the filters?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit didn't have to nod. Lapinette urged them up the stairs. "These creatures are shape shifters, they copy what they fancy." "Well I hope they don't fancy Moloch," laughed the Wabbit. Moloch's wings spread in the narrow stairway. "I am one of a kind," said Moloch, "No-one would dare." The Wabbit caught something in the corner of an eye and growled. "They can really copy living things?" Lapinette became exacerbated. "We don't know. Get a move on. I want to get this door shut." "They do stay small, don't they?" asked the Wabbit and he edged up the wall. "No-one knows," hissed Lapinette. "Hurry up!" The Wabbit glanced back, narrowed his eyes and thought that it might be too late. But it was the only idea he had. "Moloch can you make a bit of breeze with your wings?" "Direction?" smiled Moloch. "Four o'clock low," murmured the Wabbit. Moloch's wings swivelled with precision and a hurricane blasted the stairway. "Go, go, go ...!" yelled Lapinette.

3. The Wabbit and Stardust Souvenirs

Even though he was groggy, the Wabbit met Quantum's shuttle from the Sombrero Galaxy as arranged. Quantum swam into view around about one o'clock and dropped into Pluto Park. Even though he was a famous monster, Moloch was astonished. "How much transhport have you got, Wabbit?" he snivelled.  The Wabbit did his best to grin. His fur was damp and his nose was red and his head felt like a balloon. Skratch called down from the cab. "Is here OK, Commander?" The Wabbit noticed movement and he scanned Quantum from tip to tail. The entities were small but brightly coloured and one came close to Moloch's face. "Achsplash groo," sneezed Moloch. The ground shook. "Hey Shkratch," yelled the Wabbit, "you brought pashengers." Skratch looked up and down. "I don't see anything!" At that moment an entity landed on his head, right between his ears. Skratch started to itch and his eyes watered like fountains. "Did you schtop anywhere unushual, Shkratch?" shouted the Wabbit through his nose. "We followed the dusht lane," sniffled Skratch. "and we only shtopped to clean our filters." The Wabbit shrugged wearily. "Shomething happened." Skratch thought for a second. "We saw a pair of shumthings wink near the black hole." "A wink?" questioned Moloch sagely and he paused to swipe an entity that got in hs eye. "That's allmoasht ash good as a nod."

2. The Wabbit & the Sneeze on Wheels

Things went from bad to worse. The Wabbit could feel every sinus channel known to rabbits. Moloch had a monster sinus and he was stuffed. "Thish is terrible," said the Wabbit. "Monstroush," snivelled Moloch. It was at this juncture they both heard the noise. "Jid you hear an Ah?" asked Moloch. "It shertainly ish an Aaaah," agreed the Wabbit. Buildings shook and tortured metal shrieked. "I didn't like the shound of dat," said Moloch and half turned. It came without warning like a thief in the night. "Itch not going to shtop," yelled the Wabbit and he jumped out the way. "I gave thish short of thing up," shouted Moloch and he followed the Wabbit. It was a tram all right but entirely composed of a cloudy scalding vapour that cleaned the street as it went. "Aaaaaahhh!" it wailed. "Aaaaaaah!" The Wabbit knew there was more to come and he said it under his breath. "Choo?" The tram flashed past and they felt its fiery breath. "Aaaaaaaah Chooooooo!" Traffic lights shattered. Shop windows blew out and scattered goods far and wide. Moloch had closed his eyes. "Ish it gone yet?" The Wabbit was somewhat muffled. "For ush ..  yesh," Moloch strained to hear because his ears had clogged up. Moloch looked as woebegone as the Wabbit felt in his fur. "Would you like a pashtille?" Moloch croaked, "I like shinnamon loshenges."

1. The Wabbit and the Big Sneeze

The Wabbit was at a loose end and when he was at a loose end he loped around the city fretting. But he took an alleyway off Via Garibaldi and found himself in a square. There were lot of squares in Turin, but this one had vague advertising signs. And although the Wabbit looked at them for some time, he couldn't figure out what they were for. "Hello Wabbit!" said a voice. "Moloch!" smiled the Wabbit. The Wabbit was secretly pleased because he felt he could use some company. "What's this for?" He indicated the sign with Moloch's picture and asked, "Are you having a monster promotion?" Moloch shook his considerable head. "Nothing to do with me, I have my hands full." They both pondered but were suddenly interrupted. "Achoo!" "Bless you," said the Wabbit." "It wasn't me," said Moloch, "I thought it was you, Wabbit." "Achoo!" The Wabbit looked around. "There it is again," Then he felt his nose tickle. "Achoooo," blasted the Wabbit. Small pieces of paper skittered along the paving, driven by the force. Moloch put his massive hand over his massive mouth. "Yaaaagh chook" he yelled. They both turned and looked at the sign. "Yak choo choo!" The sign rocked from side to side and spoke. "I can't help it. There's something in the air." The Wabbit sniffed. His nose began to tickle and the back of his throat felt dry. "I don't like the feel of this," he coughed. "Let's investigate," said Moloch, who's eyes were beginning to stream. " Before someone catches something," spluttered the Wabbit ...

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

Skratch was late but everyone waited for him. "Skratch! At last," said the Wabbit. "We couldn't possibly start without you." Skratch waved a paw and laughed. "You're expecting me to ask the question!" Lapinette and Red Rabbit smirked at each other but the Wabbit kept a straight face. "The question is this. What kind of adventure were we in?" "Well, if we don't ask the question, we'll never know," said Skratch. "I know," said Red Rabbit. "It was a thriller and it was predicated upon questions of captivity and escape." "Ah," said Skratch, "the audience hoped things would be OK and feared it woudn't." "Ahem," said Lapinette, who was trying to intervene without success. "The background of paranoia places the adventure in the noir category with a clear reference to Orson Welles." The Wabbit tapped the table. "In this, symbolism was critical. The Paws of Darkness connoted an underground force with inescapable values. No one can break free." "We broke free," said Red Rabbit. There was silence for a minute. The Wabbit nodded. "But we had a moral code of mythic proportions." "And the Three Fates to help us," said Skratch, "but ... " "But what?" asked the Wabbit. Skratch sighed. "But we meet our destiny on the path we take to escape it." Lapinette thought for quite a while. "So what is our destiny?" It was the Wabbit's turn to think and then he smiled. "To keep having adventures of course!"

9. The Wabbit and the Far off Temple

They all blinked in the fierce sun. And it was hot. Very very hot. The air smelled of drying rabbit fur, which was tangy to say the least. The thousand red rabbits hopped around ancient Greek temples and searched for grapes and figs. "We have the gift of Aphrodite," said Magic Red Rabbit. "Oh really," said the Wabbit observing steam rising from his fur. "Fertility," said Lapinette. "Was that what the Paws of Darkness wanted?" This was speculation rather than a question. "Well, it wasn't sweet, sweet loving," quipped the Wabbit. "Are they completely destroyed?" asked Skratch the Cat. "Their kind never are," said Jenny sadly and she tilted her hat in the glare of the sun. "What's that smell?" sniffed Skratch. "Just a passing wind," said the Wabbit, pointing a paw to the horizon. There wasn't a breath of wind and they gasped in the heat. "Shall we hang around here and bake?" said Lapinette. "Or shall we get a drink?" The Wabbit turned to Magic Red Rabbit. "You're supposed to be magic." "It's a courtesy title," said Red Rabbit, "but I can do tricks." Such as?" smiled the Wabbit. "I can take things out of hats," said Red Rabbit. The Wabbit looked round at Jenny who shook her head vigorously. "I never take my hat off!" she exclaimed. It was at that moment that Tipsy called from the roof of the temple. "I can see a bar!" "Is the bar far?" asked the Wabbit. "Not as far as I can see," shouted Tipsy. "So far so good," said the Wabbit. And they all laughed and laughed and laughed.

8. The Wabbit and the Depth Charges

The sounds were like hisses. The kind a soda bottle makes when the cap comes off fast. The Wabbit knew the sounds and he felt his paws sting. "What the Wopsie ..?" said Magic Red Rabbit. Lapinette thought Red Rabbit had been with them too long. "Get ready," she said. "If they can come down, then we can go up." Magic Red Rabbit stared at Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy. "What are these things they're carrying?" "SubRocks," said the Wabbit. "If these go down, then we'll all go up fast!" Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy dropped from the ropes and pointed at everyone. "All. Up!" shouted Tipsy. "Go doodly go!" shouted Mitzy. Fitzy placed the depth charges in the water, turned dials and yelled. "Boom Boxes Away!" The wakes the charges left looked like shark fins as they sped up the cavern. "Good grief," muttered the Wabbit in horror and they all hopped for the ropes. A thousand red rabbits sped after them and they could certainly climb. Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy grabbed the ropes and shimmied roofwards like ferrets up a drainpipe. They were all near the top when they heard a low rumbling. Then water convulsed as three explosions turned the underground lake into a liquid fireball. In the distance they heard some kind of awful shrieking and momentarily covered their ears with whatever paws were available. "Fuzzywig!" said the Magic Red Rabbit.

7. The Wabbit Under Ground

"If there's a way in," said the Wabbit, "there's a way out." It was a Stygian space and the Wabbit half expected a ferryman. So he rummaged in his fur for his emergency coin and splashed through the waters in search of an exit sign. Of the three, it was Magic Red Rabbit that looked determined. With a thousand red rabbits following, he felt responsible and refused to be scared. But Lapinette scowled. "What about Plan B?" She was damp and cold and had no fur drier to paw. The Wabbit smiled with fake cheer. "The team has our coordinates." "Can they track under ground?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit wasn't certain but didn't say. Water ran down the pillars. It wasn't a torrent but its level in the cavern was getting deeper. "Humidity sullies my fur," muttered the Wabbit. Lapinette said nothing but she knew her fur would shortly look like dreadlocks. Then Magic Red Rabbit's ears did something strange. "I can hear something." "Stop!" said the Wabbit. Behind him, four thousand paws came to a sudden standstill. Lapinette listened but could only hear the steady drip of dank water. Red Rabbit looked from left to right and straight up. "I heard someone swear." The Wabbit couldn't hear a thing and he shook his head. "What kind of swearing?" "Polite swearing," said Red Rabbit. "Like 'shoot the fruit'?" offered Lapinette. Red Rabbit nodded. "They're here!" whispered the Wabbit. He was about to shout when Lapinette put a paw to her lips for silence. Nodding, he pulled a small bottle of prosecco from his fur, opened it and sprinkled it around. "Emergency Beacon," he whispered.

6. Skratch, Jenny and Wabbit Plan B

It had been a quiet night in the little town. But a radio crackled and that was all it took. A squadron of the Wabbit's private guard poured from the sky casting shadows that looked like giant locusts. Lapinette's personal guards - Fitzy, Mitzy and Tipsy - checked weapons and looked around in a hostile fashion. "Gosh," said Mitzy. "Fiddlesticks," said Fitzy. Tipsy said something unmentionable and swayed alarmingly. "I have a lock on their coordinates," said Skratch the Cat. "Distance?" asked Jenny. "Ten klicks," said Skratch, "but the facility is below ground." "Sheeps' shibblets, we need ropes," said Mitzy and she tore several rectangular strips from her frock. "The squadron has ropes," smiled Jenny. Skratch growled. "A coded message from the Wabbit said there were more than a thousand red rabbits kidnapped and held in a dark place." Jenny looked sceptical but Skratch nodded. "It was written on the back of a betting slip, crumpled and thrown on the sidewalk." Jenny waved her hook and sighed. "Did this message say who did the dirty deed?" "Something about the Paws of Darkness," said Skratch. "Ah!" said Jenny. "What kind of Ah?" answered Skratch. "It's an organisation," said Jenny. Skratch looked puzzled "Not real paws then?" "They're real enough." said Jenny. "Those whom the Paws touch are forever in bondage." "Son of a Sausage!" gasped Fitzy. "Double deep fry them for their trouble," snapped Mitzy. Tipsy spat out a series of expletives that made Jenny's fur stand on end.  Skratch looked first at Mitzy, then Fitzy, Finally his eyes lingered on Tipsy and he purred. "You three are going in first."

5. The Wabbit in the Lair of the Paws

"Whoah!" yelled the Wabbit as he grabbed what he could. "Yikes!" shouted Lapinette. Lapinette had trained at the Marinsky Ballet and had no trouble with a foothold. But she'd also seen the dank shape of evil paws and didn't like the cut of their jib one bit.  Magic Red Rabbit balanced precariously on a strut and peered down.  A row of eyes peered back. "There they are," he cried. "There are all the red rabbits." The hall of struts darkened and a voice boomed out. "Now you're trapped with the rest. You'll be here until the end of time." The Wabbit shook his head and looked up. "This isn't Amtrak! Get us off the rails and release our friends." Suddenly the framework sagged and the Wabbit looked down. A pit of spikes pointed back so he held on tight. Lapinette whispered. "Do you have a plan?" "I have a Plan B," said the Wabbit, "so what time is it?" The voice boomed from the heights of the framework. "It's later than you think, rancid rabbits."  "That's good," whispered the Wabbit to Lapinette, "help is already on its way." "What shall we do in the meantime?" asked Lapinette. "Insult them back," suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette thought for a moment then glanced up. "Your paws need pruning." Magic red rabbit joined in the fray. "Sore hocks, sore hocks!" "You've all got the monkey pox," yelled the Wabbit. It was as if an earthquake struck. The building shook and the framework with it. "We'll make you wish you'd never been born!" boomed the voice. "That's nothing new," yelled the Wabbit. And he checked the time ...
[sore hocks: ulcerative pododermatitis is a condition in rabbits usually affecting feet.]

4. The Wabbit in the Hall of Darkness

In the blast wave that came with the howl, the Wabbit did something special. He murmured something no-one could hear and his blue glasses lit with an incandescent glow. A scene emerged that was far different from the space they'd occupied. "The Hall of Darkness!" gasped the red rabbit. "I couldn't be bothered to knock," shrugged the Wabbit. The magic red rabbit stared at the door at the end of the Hall and gasped. "This is the stuff of fable." Lapinette smiled. "The Wabbit's fable manners are far from perfect." Together they hopped forward but the closer they got, the louder the howling became. It was a combination of malice and menace that chilled the air to ice. "Air conditioning?" quipped the Wabbit. A voice boomed through the pillars. "We can smell you, rabbits. Come no further." The Wabbit's glasses glowed intensely and warmed the chill. "Release the red rabbits and their songs," he yelled. Stone and plaster fell from the roof and crashed to the floor. "Puny creatures," boomed the voice. "Give us the red rabbit and we'll let you go." The Wabbit's 28 teeth gleamed like swords. "Open the door or we'll open it ourselves." "How will you do that?" sneered the voice. The Wabbit delved into his fur, grasped an object and shouted with all his might. "This will take the door from it's hinges and you with it." In the silence that followed, a series of clicks sounded like thunder. The door swung open. "Explosives?" asked Lapinette. "Swiss army knife," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit in the Paws of Darkness.

With the Magic Red Rabbit in tow, they set out in pursuit of the Paws of Darkness. Shadows loomed from everywhere but the Wabbit stared remorselessly forward as they hopped. "They appear without warning like footpads in the night," said the red rabbit. "When they strike, there is no more light." "We'll see them first," growled the Wabbit. "No-one ever has," sighed the red rabbit. "I know how," said the Wabbit. The red rabbit glanced at Lapinette and she spoke in a reassuring voice. "You need to trust the Wabbit." The red rabbit glanced back to the Wabbit and the Wabbit spoke cheerfully. "We need to sing." Lapinette nodded. "Do you know any songs?" The red rabbit shook his head. "The Paws of Darkness took all our songs and hid them in a cave." "We'll make one up," said the Wabbit. "I'll start." The Wabbit began to sing in a sonorous tone that bounced from the alley walls. "Wha' saw the Paws of Darkness? Wha' saw them run away?"  Lapinette joined in. "Wha' saw the Paws of Darkness? Hunt them down and make 'em pay!" "I like that," said the Magic Red Rabbit. "Your turn," said the Wabbit. The red rabbit sang in a squeaky voice. "We'll pursue the Paws of Darkness, pursue them 'til their tired and grey. We will smite the Paws of Darkness. We'll defeat them come what may." "That's the spirit," said the Wabbit. But it was then that they heard it. A banshee howl that came from nowhere and split the night in two. "Good grief!" muttered the Wabbit.