The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

Lapinette and the Wabbit were about to order, when Skratch appeared from around the corner. "Ask me the question!" yelled Skratch in a theatrical manner. "I am not afraid!" Lapinette seemed nonplussed. "Hello Skratch," she murmured vaguely "What kind of Adventure did we just have?" Skratch purred. "It was free-wheeling road movie kind of Trek, with a Scottish flavour and a Cold War vibe." The Wabbit was looking at something else. "Someone left a book behind." "What's it called?" asked Lapinette. The Stolen Life of a Cheerful Man, said the Wabbit. "Oh," said Lapinette. "That is intriguing." "I'd better take it to Lost Property," said the Wabbit. He grasped the book but suddenly Lapinette was reading it. "I'll take it myself," she said. The Wabbit took it back. "I'm afraid I spilled wine on it and it must go to the cleaners." Lapinette screwed up her eyes. "What if I'm in it?" The Wabbit smiled. "Then you'll be cleaned too." They tried to out stare each other for some time without success. A red paw grasped the volume away. "There's my book," said Skratch. "I knew it was here somewhere." The Wabbit was suspicious. "Who wrote it?" Skratch straightened to his full height. "It's signed to me by the author, Dimitris Politis himself." Lapinette turned. "How would you describe it then?" "Distinguished," shrugged Skratch.

13. The Wabbit and the Holy Snail

Flying overhead, the Fake Vote led them to the Holy Snail - and it was exactly where they started. The MoTo Snails thought themselves very punk indeed, but for once they were lost for words. "Your Holiness," stammered Mo. The Holy Snail shimmered in the strange light. "Did you bring me any cardboard?" he murmured. "Please approach and I will bless it and eat it." The Wabbit knew Mo and To had eaten all the cardboard. But secretly he had stashed a small piece in his fur because it had a strange shape. He passed it to To then called up to the Fake Vote. "Can you explain something?" The Vote shook his wings and swooped round the Old Abandoned Tower. "What about the Warplane?" yelled the Wabbit. The Vote shook his nose. "What plane?" The Wabbit sighed because he knew what was coming and he shouted, "It dropped the ballot boxes on the railroad and you were in one." "I'm afraid I was in the dark at the time," said the Vote. "Then we're both in the dark about that one," said the Wabbit, "but was it an enemy or a friend?" "Hard to tell sometimes," said Lapinette for the second time that trip. The Holy Snail interrupted. "When something sinister means to be your enemy, it starts by being your friend." Silence fell and the hum of the nearby underpass seemed to get louder. Mo and To spoke sadly. "Our Quest is over." The Wabbit shook his head thoughtfully. "No Quest is ever over."

12. The Wabbit's Ballot Denouement

They watched the last butterfly head out, but when they turned back, the Spieler and his stall had vanished. In its place was a tower and a generous supply of cardboard. "Yummety yum," said Mo as they feasted. "We will take some of the Cardboard City back," said To with a burp and he tried to eat it all. "When you're quite finished," said a voice. The Fake Vote had changed too. He stared directly at the Wabbit and rocked his stylish wings. The Wabbit narrowed his eyes. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" The Fake Vote lifted its nose. "Did you ever fly AeroFlotsy?" "I recall the sandwiches," nodded the Wabbit gravely. His nose twitched at the thought of food and he was about to mention he could smell chocolate - but the Fake Vote sounded slightly irritable. "I had the devil's own job getting you here." Lapinette waved from Mo's back. "You weren't chasing us?" The Wabbit laughed carefully. "You were directing us, not pursuing us." "It was my job," said the Fake Vote. "I was supposed to make sure the vote was fair, but I got sealed in a box of fake votes and put in a Jeep with the real ones." "Go on," said the Wabbit. "The ballot boxes were to be substituted and the fake votes taken to the count," said the Fake Vote. "But the jeep went over a cliff and all the votes with it." "And you," said the Wabbit. "And me," smiled the Fake Vote ruefully. "Anyway you rescued me, so perhaps there's some way I can help you." The Wabbit glanced at Mo and To. "We seek the Holy Snail."

11. The Wabbit and the Blue Butterflies

The Wabbit scattered the ballot boxes and they burst open. For an instant he was lost in the beating of gossamer-thin wings - but it was only for the smallest fraction of time and space. Butterflies poured from the ballot boxes, surrounded him and soared into the sky. The Wabbit's eyes glistened. He raised a paw and murmured something as he waved to the butterflies. "Stay with me, do not take thy flight." Lapinette could just hear his words and completed the verse. "A little longer stay in sight." The MoTo Snails let out a cheer that could be heard for miles. Even the Fake Vote briefly abandoned savaging his captive to watch the astonishing display. One of the butterflies settled between the Wabbit's ears and its grip was just as sharp as the Fake Vote's talons. "Thank you, Commander. "We're in your debt." The Wabbit shook his head. " No, it is I who is indebted to you." "Call it mutual?" suggested the Butterfly. The Wabbit nodded and gestured towards the Fake Vote. "What about him?" The Butterfly made a strange shrugging motion with its wings. "I've never seen him before. Is he with you?" The Wabbit shook his head but suddenly changed his mind and shook it the other way. He stared at the Spieler, who's skeleton frame was rather the worse for wear. Then he stared at the Fake Vote. "I suppose," frowned the Wabbit, "that he must be."
[To a Butterfly: William Wordsworth]

10. The Wabbit and the Sale of Votes

The Wabbit and Lapinette took cover inside the Cardboard City and for a while they seemed to lose the Fake Vote. But barking cries drew their attention, so they dismounted and approached with caution. The MoTo Snails nudged each other. "It's a spieler," said Mo. "and he's hammering the stock," agreed To.  Mo looked around carefully. "I don't see no lurkers." To nodded and spoke quietly to Lapinette. "He's a fast guy, hang onto your cash." The Trader was getting into his stride and he threw his arms wide.  "Special price for a special lady!" Lapinette's eyes moved imperceptibly. "Can the lip and tell me what you got." At this point, the Wabbit took his cue and slid round the back to look at the merchandise. The Spieler picked up a box. "I got votes, any kind you like," Lapinette looked unimpressed. "They're all transferable." Lapinette narrowed her eyes and the Spieler continued. "I transfer votes to you. You transfer cash to me." The Wabbit poked around everywhere and heard something odd from inside a box. "Help, get us out." The Spieler turned. "Don't talk to the goods." The Wabbit spoke sharply. "The goods are hot." "They don't call me Honesty Bones for nothing," said the Spieler sharply. "My votes are as good as new, used once only." The Wabbit looked up. "You're nailed, buster - and your goods are seized." "Naw, naw, naw. " The Fake Vote swooped down from the rooftop and gripped the Spieler's neckbone ...
[Spieler: fast talking trader who attracts customers with "patter". Lurker: A trader that hangs on the edges of a market stall.]

9. The Wabbit in the Cardboard City

The Wabbit gasped. He remembered the MoTo Snails speaking of a Cardboard City and what a Cardboard City this was! All the same, this was a Quest and anything could occur. So he drew a Snazer gun from the secret compartment he'd designed specially for To. "Expecting to find trouble Commander?" asked Mo. The Wabbit grinned and every one of his 28 teeth gleamed in the light. "No. I expect trouble to find me." To glanced across the entirety of the city. "I don't like coloured cardboard." "It tastes of toxic," said Mo, "but I see plain cardboard over there." "Yum yum," said To. The Wabbit shook his head. "It may be an enemy playing a trick." "I hate enemies," said Mo. To snarled. "And the enemies of our enemies are dumpling heads." Lapinette nodded in agreement. "Let's look over there." "What for?" asked Mo. "I don't know," smiled Lapinette, "it's your Quest." Mo and To looked at each other and shook their antennae. "We seek the Holy Snail." Lapinette tried not to laugh, but the Wabbit simply said "There is none." Mo and To drew back. "What? No Holy Snail, you say?" The Wabbit held up a paw. "I mean the Quest is more important than the objective." The conversation stopped as staccato calls shattered the air. "Listen!" whispered the Wabbit. There it was again. "Naw, Naw, Naw." "Take cover in the cardboard!" yelled the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit & the Thinness of Space

"Goin' up" yelled Mo. "Second floor, third floor, fourth floor," shouted To. "Perfumery, stationery, wigs and haberdashery," yelled Mo. "Rooftop restaurant and restrooms," shouted Mo. The Wabbit made a wry face. His snail modifications were no longer secret and he knew very well his project was far from complete. Lapinette sighed because she knew the Wabbit always programmed jokes into a retrofit. "Wabbit!" Her voice didn't carry in the rarefied atmosphere and the Wabbit only hear "bit". So he made a guess. "Good bit of work, don't you think?" Lapinette grimaced. "Get us down Wabbit, before we freeze." "Your knees will be fine," shouted the Wabbit. "Just cling closer to Mo." "Can you hear flapping?" shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit looked pleased. "I'll leave the applause until later." "Flapping!" yelled Lapinette. This time the Wabbit turned. Talons extended, the Fake Vote hurtled from a corner of space with a banshee wail that cut through everything in its path. "It brought pals!" cried the Wabbit as he ducked. "Which floor, Sir?" asked Mo. "Basement!" yelled the Wabbit. "Goin' down!" yelled Mo. "DIY, key cutting and barbers' shop," shouted To. The fake votes hovered, swooped and lunged but the MoTo Snails were too fast. The Wabbit watched the curve of the earth flatten as they plummeted in free fall. "How do we stop?" shouted Lapinette. "Shop?" asked the Wabbit, "we can do that later."

7. The Wabbit flouts Track Rules

Mo and To shot round the track and quickly broke records for the next hundred years. The gale made the Wabbit's fur stick to his skin and Lapinette's ears were numb. But Mo and To were pitted in a test of endurance and a hundred laps passed in so many minutes. On Lap 150, the Wabbit leaned into a bend and felt a tickle in his ear. Lapinette did too and ignored it but the Wabbit couldn't. He fidgeted and glanced behind. Nothing. Yet there it was again. This time it wasn't a tickle - it was more like a bite. The Wabbit tried to look up but fierce talons raked his fur and sliced at his head. The Wabbit let fly a stream of expletives that would have frightened wrestling champions, had any been in a position to hear. To heard though, so he laughed and stored up the words for future use. In that instant, Mo and Lapinette drew ahead and now it was Lapinette's turn to suffer razor claws swiping her ears. "Faster!" yelled the Wabbit. "It's the Fake Vote." He gritted his teeth as Mo and To throttled up but the Vote was in their slipstream and it swooped and raked and sliced. The Wabbit had no option. "Mach 20!" The wind caught his words and passed them to Lapinette. "It's against the rules!" she yelled. The Wabbit clung to To and yelled back. "It's an exception!" "We hate rules," said To.  High up in the Tower, the race marshal saw the MoTo snails turn into two blue balls of energy and vanish. He flicked through his rule book. "Stop and Go Penalty," he muttered.

6. The Wabbit and the Standing Start

Mo and To whizzed round the track on a warm up lap and slithered to a halt on the grid. The Wabbit bent down. "To. Remember to deliver power to the track at all times." "No flying" murmured Lapinette to Mo. "No traction, no speed," said the Wabbit. "Stupid rules," grumbled Mo and To and they grinned at each other. Lapinette and the Wabbit felt Mo and To vibrate like tuning forks and heard a whine as the MoTo Snails powered up. The Wabbit's teeth rattled and he gripped To tightly. The wind from the sea was icy. He glanced at the sky for any sign of sun and suddenly pointed. "What's that?" "Oh," said Lapinette, "you always get birds at a race track. They're defending their territory." "Silly winged things," said To. The Wabbit was a little tense. "Well I wish they wouldn't swoop today, they have all week." That's not a bird," said Mo. "Its the fake vote from the ballot box." "The one that scratched me with its claws," growled the Wabbit. They were so busy watching the flying vote, they nearly missed the start. The Marshal with the red flag walked between them and was gone. They all stared at the lights. For a moment the flying vote landed on the gantry, fluttered and flew high into the air. At that instant the red lights went out. With two sonic booms. Mo and To vanished round the first corner. The wind tore at the Wabbit's fur, but from the corner of his eye he could still see the fake vote hanging like a bird of prey. "Why don't you fly south for the winter?" hissed the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit & the Pit Lane Incident

The Wabbit shouted "Mount up," like he'd seen in Westerns. Then Mo and To set off at a cracking pace along a cliff side path only to emerge at what seemed at first sight to be an aerodrome. But this was no aerodrome. With the ballot boxes and fake votes safely concealed in a cave, the Wabbit put his concerns on hold and grinned at the view. "Race track!" shouted Mo. "Speed Trials!" yelled To. A hollow voice boomed from the Tannoy system and echoed down Pit Lane. "Late registrations for the MoTo snails have been authorised by the Chief Track Marshal." The voice continued with technical details at enormous length until the Wabbit could take no more. He bent down and spoke quietly. "Is this part of your Quest?" Mo and To waved their antennae. "Yes, it's a test and a trial," said Mo. "Speed, endurance and technique," uttered To. The Wabbit nodded gravely, but something was scratching at his back and he didn't want to start a race with discomfort. "What? Get off! Grrr." "Look!" said Lapinette. She pointed at a rogue ballot paper that appeared to have stuck to the Wabbit's back. Suddenly the Wabbit felt sharp claws detach from his fur and he looked round as the fake vote floated into the air. The Tannoy system boomed suddenly. "Mo, To, Lovely Lapinette and The Wabbit to the starting grid." "The floating vote will have to wait," sighed the Wabbit, "but where on earth is it going?" The MoTo Snails' shells hummed softly and the snails started to move. "How is that done?" murmured Lapinette. "Superconducting quantum solid state technology," replied To. Lapinette smiled. "Any instructions?" "Stay cool," laughed To.

4. The Wabbit and the Fake Votes

The Wabbit and Lapinette hauled the ballot boxes to a secluded cove nearby and there they opened them. "What shall we do?" asked Lapinette. "We should count the votes," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette nodded - because she knew the Wabbit was inclined to excessive formality. As the Wabbit counted, he examined each ballot paper and made piles as he'd seen in election counts. A breeze sprang up and Lapinette pursued papers that drifted across the beach. "They all say 'No'", murmured the Wabbit. "Did you spot any votes for 'Yes'?". Lapinette shook her head. "Can we eat them?" called Mo, who had a snail's liking for cardboard. "I don't suppose it matters," said the Wabbit. Mo and To nibbled the ballot papers and snorted. "They taste awful." The Wabbit scrutinised bar codes and frowned. Then he sniffed a ballot paper and wrinkled his nose. "There's something strange about these."  He turned and called to Mo. "What do you think?" Mo waggled his antennae. "They smell of decay." The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and moved his ears from side to side. Lapinette knew matters were serious. She sniffed the ballot papers too, then jumped back in revulsion. "Yeugh". The Wabbit sighed and sniffed again. Then he put an ear close to the papers for a very long time. He sniffed once more. His head rose and he looked out to sea. They all waited as minutes passed. "These voters don't exist," sighed the Wabbit. Lapinette shifted uneasily and gave voice to the question that hung in the air. "Why?" The Wabbit let the paper drop from his paw. "Because they're dead."

3. The Wabbit and the Missing Votes

The Wabbit thought it was a plane and it was. An old turbo prop swept low along the lines and they all took cover. But just as it reached the MoTo snails, it swooped upwards with a deafening roar and blue boxes spiralled onto the track. The Wabbit grabbed one and inspected it. "These are ballot boxes," said Lapinette. The Wabbit was puzzled. "Maybe they're the missing votes." The turbo prop disappeared out to sea, leaving only the sounds of waves moving shingle on the beach and rustling of paper. "What missing votes?" asked To, who was old school and critical. "There were strange stories from my land," said the Wabbit. "Tales of remote polling stations and ballot boxes and jeeps in the night." "I remember," said Lapinette. "It was in La Stampa." "We hate newspapers," said Mo. To agreed. "They're not worth the paper they're written on." "Like votes," said Mo. To laughed. "They give you a box and some stuff and you have to put the stuff in their box." "Sometimes that's true," said the Wabbit sadly. He shook the box and heard something scratching. So he peered through the slit but saw only paper. "All the same," said Lapinette, "votes shouldn't just disappear." "They didn't disappear," said Mo, "they were redistributed." The Wabbit shook his head like a donkey. "We need to look at them, but oh, why didn't they land in the sea instead?" Lapinette blinked and winked. "They would have been floating votes ..."

2. The Wabbit and the Distant Horizon

Mo and To told their friends they could bring a few items with them and the Wabbit and Lapinette were taking no chances - because they knew anything could happen on a Quest. Although they might meet friends, the Wabbit reasoned they would certainly meet enemies too. "Sometimes," said Lapinette gravely, "it's hard to tell them apart." Mo and To glided easily across the rugged terrain and as they slid along, they solemnly changed the names of everything they saw. This was some kind of ritual and the Wabbit joined in. Trees were called stones, houses became cars and, curiously, fences were named giraffes. Mo and To reached an old single railway line and wheeled to face the horizon. "This is our path," said Mo. "More of a track," said To. Lapinette squinted her eyes and stared down the railway until she could see no further. "Are we on the right lines?" quipped the Wabbit. "What about trains?" asked Lapinette. "We'd have a long wait," said To with a rude gesture of his antennae. "Government Cuts," grimaced Mo. He ejected a stream of slime and slithered in it. Lapinette flapped her ears. "I thought I heard something." "It's the sea," said Mo. "No it's the land," said To. "It's the damp whispering grass," snorted Mo. They looked at each other and laughed and wouldn't stop. The Wabbit jumped down, put his ear to the track then sniffed. The metal felt cold and smelled of verdigris. "Sounds like a plane ..."

1. The Quest of the MoTo Snails

The Wabbit and Lapinette met Mo and To in the early morning on the edge of town. Mo and To were punk snails and fashioned themselves accordingly. They had reason to be grateful to the Wabbit. He was responsible for a retrofit that made them incredibly swift and so a speed of Mach 2 was nothing for the MoTo Snails. The Wabbit held on to To and tried to get comfortable. "Our namesakes have passed away," said Mo. "Oh no," said the Wabbit sadly. "Let's remember them," said Lapinette softly. The Urban Sphynx made a haunting funeral sound that spiralled round the Abandoned Tower and they all shed a tear. The Wabbit broke the long silence. "Why are we here?" Mo and To nodded at exactly the same time, but To spoke first. "We shall now embark on a Quest." Mo explained further. "We're obliged to find something and for success we must make our Quest with friends." Lapinette steadied herself on Mo's back. "What are we looking for?" "No-one really knows," said Mo. "We'll know when we find it," said To. The Wabbit thought long and hard. "And when we find it," he asked, "will we bring it back?" "It depends how big it is," said Mo. To's antennae wagged. "It could be a new land made entirely of cardboard." Lapinette smiled to herself. "We can't bring that back, so what shall we do?" "Eat it." said Mo and To.

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

The waiter tucked the team in nicely, took the order and vanished. "How do we get out?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit positioned himself to speak. "We don't usually have any trouble!" "Where's my dwink?" said Tipsy. "We just ordered," said Skratch, "it's only a matter of time." "Talking of Time," ventured Lapinette, "what was that for a kind of adventure?" It was the moment Skratch the Cat had been waiting for and he leaned forward with delight. "We were in a revisionist space western." Lapinette grinned. "Revisionism is a departure from tradition that favours critical views." Skratch nodded. "So each episode was a signifier only for itself." Tipsy suddenly waved. "The story showed that events shouldn't be stored in a shed, like gardening tools." "They can if you keep them in a neat block," said the Wabbit, who had been reading.  Skratch was dismissive. "That assumes time and space is relative depending on where the viewer is located." "So what about the Zones?" asked Lapinette. "The Zones were self-actuating fields of persuasion, which bent towards us," said Skratch. They all went quiet. "What about iconic instability?" muttered the Wabbit. Skratch giggled. "The Zoner clocks were indeed unstable. They were icons and also signs." "What kind of signs?" asked the Wabbit. "Signs of the times," said Skratch.