7. The Wabbit and the Wild West Zone

The Wabbit couldn't remember how he got there. One second he was watching the movie and the next he seemed to be in one. "Howdy stranger," said a familiar voice. It was Skratch, but the Wabbit had never seen him toting a Winchester. "You must be from the Badlands," said Skratch. "You'll be in need of a drink." "I'll have a carrot aperitivo," said the Wabbit - but when he saw Skratch's eyes rise a full one inch, he adopted a threatening snarl. "Put it in a dirty glass and leave the bottle!" A tinkle of glasses heralded a bodyless Tipsy who appeared from the back. The Wabbit turned and cast a deliberate gaze around the chaos. "I'm a lookin' for three flannel mouths," he drawled. Tipsy sipped her drink. "They wuz here and they wuz on the shoot," she nodded. "Broke the place up real bad." Skratch looked at his Winchester, dropped the lever and loaded new cartridges. "They spoke real fancy too," he grunted, "Said it was feeding time at the zoo." The Wabbit narrowed his eyes until they were slits. "Did they ask what time zone this was?" "They sure did," said Skratch, "and I told 'em 'Tango' like what it's always bin." Tipsy drained her glass and crashed it on the bar. "Round here, we don' go changing." "They sure gave you a bad time," agreed the Wabbit, "did they say where they wuz headin'?" Skratch pointed to the wall. "They said something about the mists of time. Then they vanished clean away." The Wabbit got up. "I'll head after them." "Hey Marshal," said Tipsy, "could you use a couple of deputies?"

6. The Wabbit and the Late Late Movie

The Wabbit hopped straight into the auditorium, followed by the Time Zoners. The theatre was screening Tarkovsky's Solaris and it was just about to start. The Wabbit smiled broadly, but behind him bickering and confusion broke out concerning who would sit where. The Wabbit immediately moved to the front, but the Zoners followed and sat all around him. "Shhh" said the Wabbit. "Are we in time for the beginning?" said the Zoner to his right. "It's just begun," snapped the Wabbit. "Films should be dull at the start," said the Zoner, "so people have time to leave." The Zoner behind leaned forward. "Your ears are in the way." The Wabbit looked all around the empty cinema and shook his head sadly. Now the Zoner to his right chipped in. "A visit to the cinema is always about time travel." The Wabbit snorted. "Tarkovsky," he said, "does not represent time as a sequential flow of events." "Of course not," said the Zoner at the back. "Otherwise we wouldn't be here." The Wabbit kept his eyes firmly on the screen. "Where would you be?" he asked slyly. "Somewhere else," said the Zoner carefully. "Having a rare old time," added another and they all giggled. The Wabbit frowned and gestured silence with a paw across his mouth. "How long does this film last?" asked a Zoner. "A hundred and sixty nine minutes." replied the Wabbit from memory. "Oh that's splendid," said the Zoner at the back. "We have all the time in the world." The Wabbit smiled to himself. "Now where would you find all that time?"

5. The Wabbit and the Twilight Zone

The Wabbit pursued the voices a long way from the forest and into the city. They were heading somewhere specific. "Come in Juliet. This is Zone Zulu, copy?" The radio whined. "Juliet. Go ahead." "The Wabbit had difficulty in describing the scene. "I'm at the cinema." The radio hissed. "Leave that for later Commander." The Wabbit gritted his teeth and tried not to yell. "The Zoners are in the cinema!" A long silence ensued. "What are they doing?" "Chatting," said the Wabbit. "What about?" asked Juliet. The Wabbit made static noises, slipped his radio into his fur and listened. "Are we late?" said the first Zoner. The second Zoner chortled. "No, t'is the cinema that's early." "We have time on our hands," said the third. Then they all laughed just like in the forest. The Wabbit caught sight of a red flash. So he looked towards the bar and saw Skratch with Tipsy's head under one arm. He made a slight gesture, but none was returned. And although Tipsy seemed to have a drink, the Wabbit wasn't sure of her Zone. Both Skratch and Tipsy looked transparent and shimmered in the dim glow. Suddenly, the Zoner on the right swirled his hands three times. "What time zone did we ask for?" "Whisky," said the middle Zoner. They all turned to look at the bar. The third Zoner ticked a little. "This isn't Whisky, it looks like X-Ray." "We can still have fun though," said the middle Zoner and they giggled. The Wabbit watched Tipsy sip her drink. "Let's watch a late movie," suggested the first Zoner. The Wabbit hopped forward and spoke. "How about the Twilight Zone?"

4. The Wabbit in Time Zone Zulu

The Wabbit waited a long time but finally his radio crackled. "This is Juliet. Confirm Time Zone?" "Zulu," snapped the Wabbit. The Wabbit sounded impatient because he'd been on the same spot staring at empty space for several hours. The spot lay along the course of the new atomic timepiece known as OptoClock and trouble was afoot. But forced to accept a mission for another agency, the Wabbit was unhappy and so grumbled to himself at length. "Report sightings," said Juliet. The Wabbit had nothing to report, but from the corner of his eye he noticed a reflection in the jeep's side panel. He stayed still and watched until the radio interrupted. "Commander?" "I have a partial sighting of Tipsy," replied the Wabbit. "Tipsy? How partial?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Well, she has no head." Angry voices at base suggested this was not anticipated. "What about the Zoners, Commander?" The Wabbit was about to say there were no Zoners, when he heard voices in the forest. He watched Tipsy's bottom half stroll off down the forest path and he narrowed his eyes and shook his head. But he ignored it because the voices were getting closer. They were talking about time in a most peculiar manner - and every so often they stopped and laughed. "I'm completely zoned," said one voice. "Did you make any daylight saving?" asked another. "No, there's hardly any interest. I took out a loan." The Wabbit sighed deeply and whispered into his radio. "They're here, but they're on borrowed time."
[Zulu: military time zone, Coordinated Universal Time UTC/GMT. Juliet: Military time zone (observer's local time)]

3. Skratch and the Time Zone Problem

Skratch escorted Tipsy carefully from the auditorium when he heard the sound of a kiss. He momentarily thought of the Wabbit's instructions and fumbled quickly in his fur for Tipsy's gift. That's when it happened. Two disembodied paws took the chocolate liqueurs. "Oh thank you Skratch," said Tipsy's head, "that was very thoughtful." Skratch was lost in Tipsy's swirling eyes as her lips detached and floated towards him. "What time zone is it?" asked Tipsy's lips. Skratch nearly jumped, but he remained calm and tried to think clearly. "It's CEST." "My goodness that's late," said the lips, "but not too late for you to take me for a little dwink." Tipsy's lips returned to their proper place while Skratch wondered which establishment would permit entry to a disembodied head. "Aren't you working soon?" Tipsy's lips smiled. "I don't have to get up until November." Skratch knew that was a military time zone and now his eyes narrowed. But he saw no option but to go along with things until he could get to the bottom of the problem. "Let's head out then," he chirped. Tipsy proffered a paw and he hooked his paw around it and proceeded downstairs to the exit. Tipsy's lips floated around a bit. "It's nice to have someone to take me to the movies. Now you can tell me about how to read a film."  Skratch realised he was becoming accustomed to talking to a disembodied head. "What movie would you like to see next?" Tipsy's lips fluttered close. "The Time Machine."

[CEST is Central European Time.   November is a Military Time Zone in the NATO phonetic alphabet.]

2. Skratch, Tipsy and the B Movie

At a repertory cinema near the centre of town, Skratch and Tipsy met to see an old B movie horror. Skratch knew it had become a cult classic but said nothing, owing to the Wabbit's instructions. He was not allowed to broach the subject of movies at all and was therefore at a loss for conversation. Skratch felt a paw creep into his. He'd been expecting the brush of a foot or leg, but a paw he felt he could deal with, Skratch squeezed it. "I'm scared," whispered Tipsy. "Don't worry," said Skratch. "I'm here and nothing can harm you." Tipsy leant forward and eagerly watched the story unfold. Skratch had seen the movie several times and was responsible for submitting a long and technical article to Jump Cut Review, now at the revision stage. "Yikes!" shrieked Tipsy as a decapitated head made conversation from a laboratory worktop. She looked away, only to notice a door at the side of the screen. "What's behind that door?" she murmured. An actor's voice from the screen seemed to reply. "Horrors no normal mind can imagine." Tipsy jumped. "I think it's a broom cupboard," said Skratch soothingly. Tipsy's eyes were riveted on the movie monster as it ripped its tormentor limb from limb. "Will you see me home afterwards," she breathed. "There might be monsters." Skratch smiled and nodded and grasped for the chocolates. Tipsy looked thoughtful. "Anyway, how long can you live without a brain?" "It depends how old you are," said Skratch,

1. The Wabbit & the Command Movie

Skratch the Cat arrived at the sleazy viewing theatre where the Wabbit had an arrangement. The matter seemed to be urgent, so he was unsurprised when the Wabbit addressed him in serious note. "Departmental Business." The Wabbit's voice indicated he didn't exactly approve. "This is a direct order, Skratch." Skratch waited for what seemed like an age. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "You have to take Tipsy to the movies." Skratch's fur stood on end. "But Commander .." "I'm certain something can be worked out." said the Wabbit, "now what seat do you usually occupy?" "Front row, middle," said Skratch. The Wabbit shook his head sadly. "You will occupy a rear seat, offset from centre." Skratch gritted his teeth. "During the film, Tipsy will nudge your leg." Skratch groaned inwardly. "What then Commander?" "You will whisper sweet nothings in her ear." Skratch brightened. "About the movie?" "On no account," said the Wabbit. "You will not talk of cinema or film theory and there is to be no mention of semiotics." Skratch heaved a very long sigh. "What next Commander?" "You will escort Tipsy home." said the Wabbit, "where you will kiss her affectionately on the cheek and give her a small box of expensive chocolate liqueurs." And then?" asked Skratch. "Lope away nonchalantly," said the Wabbit, handing Skratch money. "Look, this should cover everything." Skratch spoke cautiously "May I take a taxi?" "Only if there's a blizzard," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffè

For a while it rained with fury. The Wabbit was early and he snuck under an umbrella at his favourite table and sat it out. Suddenly the sun burst through and brought with it Lapinette, Tipsy and Skratch the Cat, all from different directions. "What's it to be?" shouted Lapinette. "Carrot beer and a salad sandwich," said the Wabbit with satisfaction. It had been a long adventure and he never had expected the intrusion of frackers. Just off the tram, Skratch bore down on the caffè with theories in mind. "That was a most interesting escapade." "Let's have some more," yelled Tipsy. Laughter ensued and when it died away Lapinette asked the Question. "What was that for a sort of adventure, Skratch?" Skratch raised an eye. "It was deliciously soapy." The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and winked encouragingly. "Soap," stated Lapinette in a solemn voice, "is entirely predicated upon matters of desire." "So it was all about your outfit," smiled Skratch, "and gender identity of course." The Wabbit stepped in before things got technical. "You didn't mention fracking and eco-horror."  "Gender, genre, ecology!" shouted Tipsy. "Oh, won't someone get Tipsy a chair?" suggested the Wabbit, sitting exactly where he was and disguising a grin. "I can get my own chair," said Tipsy, "but someone else can get me a little dwink." "What's your poison?" asked the Wabbit. "Brandy, cola and sheared ice," said Tipsy. "I think that's called a Drunken Fracker," nodded the Wabbit.

18. The Wabbit & a new Grand Daucus

Back at the Carrot Club, the Wabbit handed over the reigns of power. "Lapinette, I'm proposing you for Grand Daucus." Lapinette looked surprised. "When will I know I'm elected?" "As of now," said the Wabbit, "but there's only one small thing." Lapinette waited. "You have to continue as Bunky Green." Lapinette knew there was more. ".. and you have to wear the outfit," smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette also smirked. Despite everything, there would be a female in the Carrot Club and it was all her doing. The Wabbit continued effusively. "I thought perhaps the Carrot and Artichoke Clubs might combine." Lapinette's ears twitched. "Did you hear that creaking?" "Oh, the old building needs refurbishment," sighed the Wabbit and he waved his paw in a dismissive fashion. "So what about naming us the Cartichoke Club, do you think?" "I think I hear noises," said Lapinette. "It must be the heating," said the Wabbit. Suddenly the corridor grew icy cold and Lapinette shivered in agreement. "It must be." She pondered for a while. "What kind of heating is it?" "Gas," said a voice. Lapinette furrowed her brow. "Did you say gas, Wabbit?" "No, not me," said the Wabbit, "it's oil anyway." "Oil!" The sound ricocheted along the corridor. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and Lapinette looked back. "I have an idea," said the Wabbit. "I'm all ears," said Lapinette. "Run!" yelled the Wabbit.

17. The Wabbit and the Reverse Frack

"I feel floaty," said the Wabbit. "I do too," said Lapinette. "You're not really here," said Turbina the Jet Car, "how does it feel to be avatars?" "Fuzzy," said the Wabbit. "You have the crystals?" asked Turbina. Lapinette looked at her paw and she could see them now. They pulsed blue and twinkled as they shifted in some kind of spooky space. Turbina's turbine whined as it picked up speed. "Place them in my glove compartment." The sound of a jazz saxophone filled the cabin. Turbina's voice commanded everyone to wait and it seemed like an age - but just as the saxophone reached a crescendo, Turbina spoke softly. "Quantum ... now!" and a broad green beam shot from the train. Turbina captured it like a goalkeeper and they both jolted as she focused it into a line with no thickness. The Wabbit's eyes shifted to the mirror and he was surprised he could see the line. It moved silently and rapidly, bending round buildings in its way before it smashed into the Fracker with the devastating sound of a thousand earthquakes. Through the noise of fracturing and shearing rock, the Wabbit thought he heard a voice groan from the Fracking Entity. "Frack! Gas! Shale!" "Not on my watch, Fracker," muttered the Wabbit. Silence fell and they all drew a breath. "Frankly Commander," said Turbina, "I didn't think that would work." The Wabbit grinned. "It must have been the music. Who was it anyway?" "I know," smiled Lapinette. "That was Bunky Green."

16. The Wabbit's Quantum Dining Car

To some extent Quantum was like a normal train. He had a pleasant dining car and Tipsy had found an equally pleasant bar. "I like trains," she yelled. "Does anyone want a ickle drink?" "Yes," said the Wabbit immediately. Quantum hung in time, a zone in which the Wabbit felt relaxed. But voices broke in and he heard Jenny from the rear of the compartment. "What about my hat?" "It's still there," said Skratch. "Still where?" asked Jenny crossly. Skratch stretched his paws wide. "The hook of time." Now voices faded and Lapinette swam into focus. The Wabbit looked at her and remembered she was still in disguise. "What plan, Bunky Green?" Lapinette began. "Quantum has a Transwarp Thruster." The Wabbit nodded and Lapinette continued. "We reverse the thrust and narrow it to a photonic plasma beam." "Then direct it at the Fracking Entity." said Wabsworth. The Wabbit thought about it, then shook his head. "We need plasma photonic crystals." "Commander?" The Wabbit turned to Tipsy who pouted. "These crystals are one dimensional and highly dangerous." Now the Wabbit stared at Tipsy and started to smile. "Got any?" "I might," said Tipsy. She delved carefully in her fur and held out a paw. No-one could see a thing. "Where are they?" asked the Wabbit. Tipsy's voice was both serious and sultry. "You can't see them. They're notional."

15. The Wabbit and Quantum's Leap

The remnants of both Carrot and Artichoke Clubs waited at the Other Castle. But the Wabbit was uncertain. To beat the Fracking Entity he needed help but he was hesitant. "Call him." Lapinette was still posing as Bunky and straightened his tie. The Wabbit shrugged, reached under his fur and pressed a button no one knew existed. Nothing quite compared with a visit from Quantum the Time Travelling Train. Similarly there was no sound like Skratch the Cat yelling from a high place. "You interrupted basic maintenance!" "No time for that," said the Wabbit. "Some Fracker's giving us grief." "I have no time for these Frackers," said Quantum. The Wabbit was uncertain of Quantum's rank but he felt under pressure. "You will make time available." If there was anyone that could make time available it was Quantum. Everything froze and the Wabbit shouted "Ideas!" then looked around. "Now!" he yelled for good measure. "Now there's no now," said Wabsworth, who seemed to have recovered. "Or rather," said Lapinette, "there's a series of not nows." Jenny looked at her hat which hung motionless. "Now I've lost my hat." The Wabbit sighed and looked at Quantum. "We have the time and you have the energy." "Then shoot it," said Quantum. This was not what the Wabbit expected. "With the Arrow of Time?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit looked puzzled. "Entropy," said Wabsworth. "We'll run the Fracker backwards ..."

14. Tipsy & the Fracking Permits Folly

The Fracking Entity materialised at the Castle but so did Tipsy and the rest of Lapinette's personal guard. It was an attempt to buy time while the Wabbit concocted a plan, and in order to sow confusion, they were in theatrical mode. "What fracker comes?" they chanted. "I've here for my license," boomed the Entity. Tipsy hopped forward. "What kind of licence would you take?" Fitzy looked up. "A dog licence maybe? " Mitzy looked up too. "A driving licence? I can get you one cheap." "I want a fracking licence!" shouted the Fracking Entity. "It's not as simple as that," said Fitzy, "because first you need an Exploration License." "Then you'll need a Development Licence," said Mitzy. "I want a fracking Drilling License," yelled the Entity. "Well that's a pity," said Tipsy, shaking her head sadly, "... because you're at entirely the wrong Castle." "Aaaaagh" shouted the Entity. "I think we could start you off with an Options License," said Fitzy. "See how you get on," suggested Mitzy. "OK," sighed the Entity with a weary tone. "But then," said Mitzy, "to get an Options License you first require a Preliminary Waste License." There was a sigh of exasperation. "How do I obtain that?" "You can get one at the other Castle," said Tipsy. The Entity groaned. "And how do I get there?" Fitzy pulled out cards. "You'll need a Travel Permit."

13. The Wabbit and the Big Frack

 

The team hit Lingotto running and they thought they'd shaken the Entity. But the Wabbit looked down the street and there it was. Tipsy vaulted onto a balcony and unleashed a hail of gunfire to no avail. The Entity was slow but its tripod legs could measure streets in one stride. "Stop!" yelled the Wabbit. To his surprise the Entity stopped. Jenny tilted her hat. "The message from the Broccoli Brigade! It was to warn us." The Wabbit had a think. "Go!" he shouted. The Entity snaked out a leg. "Stop!" commanded the Wabbit. The Entity froze. Jenny nudged the Wabbit with her hook. "Commander, it seems it will talk to you." "OK, Fracker," nodded the Wabbit, "what do you want?" The Entity's voice boomed over the roof tops. "I want to frack." The Wabbit scowled up at the Entity but it looked down and shouted. "Gas, shale, frack!" Lapinette winked at the Wabbit. The Wabbit winked back. "Look, Bunky, I know who you really are." "I know you know," confessed Lapinette. The Wabbit sighed. "So what would you do, Bunky?" Lapinette laughed. "I'd confuse it." The Wabbit wheeled around and addressed the Entity. "You have no fracking license." The Entity rattled its tripod legs and moaned. "Where do I get one?" "The Castle," said the the Wabbit. "Maybe I don't need a license." said the Entity. "You came from nothing," said the Wabbit slyly. "But now you may go to the top." "I prefer to go to the bottom," said the Entity. The Wabbit smiled. "You'll have to fight your way down."

12. The Wabbit & the Fracking Entity

The Wabbit led the combined forces of both Carrot and Artichoke Clubs. But Lapinette refused to relinquish her role as Bunky Green, and supported Wabsworth in a mannish and jocular way. "You'll be fine, old chap." "I'm feeling rather better," said Wabsworth as he lurched after the Wabbit. "Can you hear a voice calling?" asked Jenny. "I think its Lagso," said the Wabbit. "He's got a nervous stomach." Wabsworth staggered and accidentally dug Tipsy in the ribs. "Would you like to take me to the movies, Wabsworth?" she whispered. Wabsworth blinked. "I'd like to see The Fog." "So would I," breathed Tipsy and squeezed his paw. Lapinette looked back. "Commander, Lagso is waving!" The Wabbit looked to either side and made no response. "Also he's pointing." Now the Wabbit turned. "What's Lagso got to point at?" It was at that very moment he saw it. The fog had a musty smell, like mouldy old boots long forgotten in a damp cellar. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. In the distance Lagso hopped up and down and pointed and mimed. Jenny glanced to the side. "Commander?" Just as the Wabbit turned he heard a sound that chilled his fur, a noise like rock shearing from a cliff. He didn't have to look to know what it was. The entity towered above them, splitting, combining and splitting again. And every time it split, noxious gases billowed from every fissure. "We're fracked," muttered Tipsy ...