13. The Wabbit and the Big Frack

 

The team hit Lingotto running and they thought they'd shaken the Entity. But the Wabbit looked down the street and there it was. Tipsy vaulted onto a balcony and unleashed a hail of gunfire to no avail. The Entity was slow but its tripod legs could measure streets in one stride. "Stop!" yelled the Wabbit. To his surprise the Entity stopped. Jenny tilted her hat. "The message from the Broccoli Brigade! It was to warn us." The Wabbit had a think. "Go!" he shouted. The Entity snaked out a leg. "Stop!" commanded the Wabbit. The Entity froze. Jenny nudged the Wabbit with her hook. "Commander, it seems it will talk to you." "OK, Fracker," nodded the Wabbit, "what do you want?" The Entity's voice boomed over the roof tops. "I want to frack." The Wabbit scowled up at the Entity but it looked down and shouted. "Gas, shale, frack!" Lapinette winked at the Wabbit. The Wabbit winked back. "Look, Bunky, I know who you really are." "I know you know," confessed Lapinette. The Wabbit sighed. "So what would you do, Bunky?" Lapinette laughed. "I'd confuse it." The Wabbit wheeled around and addressed the Entity. "You have no fracking license." The Entity rattled its tripod legs and moaned. "Where do I get one?" "The Castle," said the the Wabbit. "Maybe I don't need a license." said the Entity. "You came from nothing," said the Wabbit slyly. "But now you may go to the top." "I prefer to go to the bottom," said the Entity. The Wabbit smiled. "You'll have to fight your way down."

12. The Wabbit & the Fracking Entity

The Wabbit led the combined forces of both Carrot and Artichoke Clubs. But Lapinette refused to relinquish her role as Bunky Green, and supported Wabsworth in a mannish and jocular way. "You'll be fine, old chap." "I'm feeling rather better," said Wabsworth as he lurched after the Wabbit. "Can you hear a voice calling?" asked Jenny. "I think its Lagso," said the Wabbit. "He's got a nervous stomach." Wabsworth staggered and accidentally dug Tipsy in the ribs. "Would you like to take me to the movies, Wabsworth?" she whispered. Wabsworth blinked. "I'd like to see The Fog." "So would I," breathed Tipsy and squeezed his paw. Lapinette looked back. "Commander, Lagso is waving!" The Wabbit looked to either side and made no response. "Also he's pointing." Now the Wabbit turned. "What's Lagso got to point at?" It was at that very moment he saw it. The fog had a musty smell, like mouldy old boots long forgotten in a damp cellar. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. In the distance Lagso hopped up and down and pointed and mimed. Jenny glanced to the side. "Commander?" Just as the Wabbit turned he heard a sound that chilled his fur, a noise like rock shearing from a cliff. He didn't have to look to know what it was. The entity towered above them, splitting, combining and splitting again. And every time it split, noxious gases billowed from every fissure. "We're fracked," muttered Tipsy ...

11. The Wabbit & the Fracking Failure

The Wabbit had a hunch and he was right. Everyone else was in the Big Square and it looked like someone or something was tearing it up. He had never seen his android double unsteady but Wabsworth was as wobbly as a drunken satyr. "I'm only running at 20 per cent," he mumbled, "but I routed all my power to my mind." Lapinette and Tipsy held him firmly, then Lapinette spoke softly. "What is on your mind?" There was silence and the Wabbit thought he could hear whirring. "I know things," said Wabsworth, "because I was hit with a sudden flood of data." The Wabbit nodded. "Let's have it." "The Broccoli Brigade caused the green gas," said Wabsworth. He lurched slightly. "There's more, isn't there?" asked Jenny in a concerned voice. Wabsworth pulled himself up. "Yes, much more." He steadied himself against Tipsy. "The Brigade was compromised by Frackers who promised luxury premises in return for cooperation. Together they injected chemicals into the earth." "Something went wrong?" suggested Lapinette. "Very wrong," said Wabsworth. "The chemicals activated long dead organisms, which combined to create a gaseous entity." "It wants the city," said the Wabbit. "It wants everything," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit ground 28 teeth and pondered. "What's its weakness?" Wabsworth smiled for the first time. "Separation anxiety."

10. The Wabbit and the Grayfield Zone

The Wabbit woke up. His legs felt like overcooked spaghetti and his head was no better. But he heard a soft thud and caught Jenny's automatic as it bounced over the wall. He peered over the broken bricks. "Hello Jenny, welcome to Grayfields." "What are we doing here?" asked Jenny. The Wabbit brushed mortar away and rested his paw. "I haven't the slightest clue." Jenny dusted herself down, and pushed the automatic down her skirt. "I have a confession to make, Commander." The Wabbit managed a smile. "How long since your last?" Jenny ignored the Wabbit's sense of humour. "I am only temporary Cardoom at the Artichoke Club." "Splendid," said the Wabbit. "You might consider joining the Carrot Club, we're desperate for members." Jenny span her hat on her hook, then put it on. "Perhaps I could become a Grand Daucus like you." The Wabbit grinned a shaky smile. "I'll nominate you." Jenny shook her head emphatically. "That honor must go to Bunky Green." The Wabbit's 28 teeth gleamed. "When this is over, I'll fill out the papers." They paused. "What about the Jolly Green Gas?" asked Jenny. The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "Well, I do have a clue about this menace. If we don't stop it, the whole city is in danger." Jenny's eyes widened and the Wabbit tipped his head to one side. "Have you heard any drilling?" "I have," said Jenny. "See any extra trucks?" "Masses," nodded Jenny. "Fracking," said the Wabbit. "No need to curse," said Jenny.

9. The Wabbit's Attack of the Vapours

An acrid green vapour poured into the room. Tipsy got a taste in the back of her throat and she coughed with nausea. The Wabbit grabbed Lapinette and headed down the stairs but the vapour followed. "Do you have a weapon, Mr Green?" he shouted. Lapinette pulled a Saturday Night Special from her disguise. Even in the confusion the Wabbit noticed the gilded catches and mother of pearl grip. "Tasty," he muttered, "you surprise me, Mr Green."  The fumes drew closer and Lapinette gasped and spluttered. "I was going to plinking practice later." The Wabbit wheezed. "Consider it cancelled." "Commander!" Jenny's voice was weak. She lost her footing and stumbled against the wall, but she managed to pull out an automatic. "We can't shoot vapour!" The Wabbit tried to yell and it came out a croak. He glanced back at Wabsworth to see that even his android double was stumbling. Lagso brought up the rear. His eyes and nose streamed and he tried to clear his head by shaking it, but it only made him dizzy. The swirling green vapour stank like antique garbage and it penetrated everything. The Wabbit began to see shady green meadows where grass and dandelions swayed in a gentle breeze. He felt drowsy and put a paw to his head. "I think I'll have a little nap." He was the last one standing, but not for long, as the deadly green vapour enveloped them all ...

8. The Wabbit & the Unexpected Shot

Somehow everything came together. The Artichoke Club was stocked on beer and Jenny in her role as Cardoom stepped out with Tipsy to greet the Grand Daucus of the Carrot Club. Lapinette hopped forward - suitably disguised as Bunky Green - and proffered a paw. "Ah, Mr Green," said the Wabbit. "Your rather ahead of us." Lapinette flicked her tie. "I organised drinks as a gesture from the Carrot Club." Jenny stood to attention in a formal fashion. "Praise be welcome, Grand Daucus of the Carrot Club, to our most humble premises." The Wabbit smiled. "I do like the architecture." "It's minimalist!" shouted Tipsy. The Wabbit smiled a broad grin. "Enjoy it while you can." Jenny's face was a question. "Because," said the Wabbit, "It won't last long before it's full of things." A polite tittering filled the room, but Lapinette could hear sounds above the laughter. With a crash and a flash the window shattered and a carrot-shaped object flew into the room. Tipsy watched its trajectory. It gave off a luminous glow before it smashed onto the floor. "Don't touch it," cautioned the Wabbit. "There's a note," said Lapinette. "What does it say?" asked Tipsy. "It says Stop," said Jenny and she kicked it with the toe of her boot. "There's more." Everyone waited as Jenny stooped to look. "It's a personal warning from the Fractal of the Broccoli Brigade."

7. Lapinette & the Artichoke Premises

"It won't be ready in time," said Jenny. "It was supposed to be ready last week," said Lapinette. "They'll think we're broke," said Jenny. "We'll say it's minimalist," said Lapinette. A pregnant pause hung silently, but it was broken by a pop and a hiss. "We'll need more beer!" yelled Tipsy. Lapinette wrinkled her nose and envisaged the visit of the Carrot Club delegation. "Maybe they don't drink beer." "Of course they drink beer," said Tipsy and to prove it, she drank some herself. Jenny placed her hook on her hip. "We can always get beer, but we need more members for the official visit." "I'll move around a lot," said Tipsy. "Then I'll go outside and come back in dressed as someone else." Jenny mentally doubled the beer order and looked around. The premises were a recent acquisition and the outcome of an arrangement that involved stuffing envelopes for charitable appeals. "We haven't a stick of furniture," said Lapinette. "They can sit on the floor." Tipsy slid down the wall and squatted on the floor. Lapinette shook her head. "If we can't find more members, the Artichoke Club will be a laughing stock." Tipsy looked up. "I'll get Fitzy and Mitzy." Lapinette smiled. "They don't have to be female. Our Club is open to all, regardless of gender." "Then why have we only got three members?" asked Jenny. "Self discrimination!" shouted Lapinette.

6. The Wabbit at the Cardoom's Address

Lapinette guided Jenny into the Carrot Club and introduced her as Cardoom of the Artichoke Club. The Wabbit, although surprised to meet Jenny in this capacity, remained unflustered. Members gathered and rapt attention fell as Jenny began her address. "Members of the Carrot Club, thank you for your gracious invitation." We thank you, thank you!" cried Club members. "I apologise," said Jenny. "I'm unaccustomed to addressing illustrious gatherings such as this." A rustling of approval rustled round as Jenny began. "Carrots are well-rooted ..." The members nodded in agreement. "... while artichokes are all heart," continued Jenny. Members started to smile. "Some say artichokes are prickly." "No, never," cried the members. "But I say, they're soft inside," chortled Jenny. A smattering of pleasant laughter echoed in the high ceilings. Now Jenny raised a paw in pause. "We have many similarities." "What are they?" yelled Lagso. "Carrots and artichokes are nutritious and keep well." said Jenny. "Carrots are vitamin sticks." said Caroto." "Artichokes are a rich source of folic acid," retorted Jenny quickly. Jenny looked at Lapinette because she was running low on ideas. The Wabbit stepped in.  "Cardoom, how shall we move forward?" "We must move forward with ... " Jenny faltered but Lapinette whispered something. "With meaningful priority!" commanded Jenny in an oratorical voice. Cheering broke out and Jenny turned to Lapinette. "How was that ... Mr Green?" "Awesome," said Lapinette.

5. Lapinette, Jenny and the Switcheroo

"Jenny!" gasped Lapinette. "I thought I'd find you here." Jenny looked at Lapinette's disguise with due regard. "Have you been trying to get into the Carrot Club?" Lapinette waved a letter. "Never mind that, we're having a meeting." Jenny raised both eyebrows. "This is an Emergency Meeting of the Artichoke Club. Now!" yelled Lapinette. "We haven't got a quorum," shrugged Jenny. Lapinette hopped up and down and waved the letter wildly. "I'm the Cardoom and this is Cardoom's Emergency Action." Jenny saw Lapinette was agitated and knew this to be unusual. So she ordered a rum and waited. Lapinette calmed. "I'm passing Cardoomship to you for a week." Jenny narrowed shrewd eyes. "So what do I have to do in this week?" "You'll give an official address to the Carrot Club." Jenny gave a pirate guffaw. "What do I say?" Now Lapinette fell silent because she hadn't a clue. The coffee machine hissed and gurgled. "Oh, make it up as you go along." Jenny nodded curiously. "Where is the Carrot Club?" "I'll introduce you," said Lapinette. "Just remember - my name is Bunky Green." "And you're some kind of boy," winked Jenny. Lapinette waved the letter again. Jenny took it and muttered. "What about the Wabbit?" "He's delighted," said Lapinette. "You know, in his pompous way." Jenny swayed backwards. "Will I address you as Bunky?" "Certainly not!" said Lapinette. "Call me Mr Green."

4. The Wabbit takes Bunky Aside

The Wabbit was interested in the recruitment potential of the Artichoke Club and the Carrot Club's latest member, Bunky Green, seemed knowledgeable. On the pretext of showing him round the building, the Wabbit took Bunky aside and spoke in a respectful, serious tone. "Bunky. For a male, you know a lot about the Artichoke Club." "Who me?" said Lapinette lightly, pretending to consider the matter. "No more than an ordinary bunny on the tram." The Wabbit disagreed but nodded encouragingly. "It's just that we're hoping to recruit female members." Lapinette was enjoying posing as Bunky so she made a rash suggestion. "Why don't you ask them?" The Wabbit was delighted. "Yes," he agreed. "We'll formally invite their leader. What do they call her?" Lapinette groaned inwardly. "Cardoon." It was all very well being Cardoon of the Artichoke Club and posing as new recruit Bunky - but Lapinette couldn't be both in the same place at the same time. She knew her ruse would be discovered, so she tried desperately to think of a plan. Of this, the Wabbit seemed unaware. "Excellent, I'll draft a letter inviting an address from the Cardoon." Lapinette bounded up the staircase. "I'll deliver it if you like." "We wouldn't put you to any trouble," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled the broadest smile. "Let's use the personal touch. It's awfully good PR." "I couldn't possibly impose," chortled the Wabbit. "It's on my way home," smiled Lapinette ...

3. The Wabbit & the Mixed Reception

The cocktail and carrot reception had been underway for some time and the Wabbit waited for new recruits with a glass of welcoming aperitivo. He began to tire and thought of drinking it himself - when in hopped a likely candidate. "Welcome!" boomed the Wabbit. "Please partake of liquid refreshment." My name's Bunky," said Lapinette, taking the glass. "It's Bunky Green." "Our Carrot Club is your Carrot Club," said the Wabbit. Lapinette effected a male pose and looked around. "Isn't this a cocktail and carrot reception?" "Yes." said the Wabbit. "So where are the carrots?" "In the cocktails," smiled the Wabbit. They nodded amiably but the Wabbit nodded harder. "I was hoping to greet a few female recruits." Lapinette gulped and the Wabbit stared hard at her ears. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" Lapinette thought fast. "The soccer stadium?" The Wabbit's face fell. "Perhaps you know of females with a passion for carrots." Lapinette grinned a lop sided grin. "All the females I know are interested in artichokes." "They don't like carrots?" asked the Wabbit. "I've really no idea," gasped Lapinette, draining her aperitivo much too quickly. The Wabbit took her glass. "Tell our members about yourself while I'll fix you another drink." He vanished and everyone turned to look at Lapinette. She adopted a solemn stance. "I was arrested during the Carrot Riots."

2. Lapinette & the Artichoke Approach

In the home of a dear friend, Lapinette rigged herself out in male gear. Convinced the Carrot Club was closed to females, she was determined to apply anyway. "One way or another," she mused, "I'll break down this bastion of male misogyny, this leaning tower of patriarchy, this ... " Lapinette couldn't think of any more names. But during her office as First Cardoon of the Artichoke Club, she had successfully facilitated key motions decrying gender inequality. These motions were all duly proposed, seconded, and unanimously passed. They were then ceremonially inscribed in the Grand Directory and celebrated with copious quantitities of Cynar Liqueur. But they went no further. Of all this, the outside world remained blissfully unaware. Lapinette straightened her carrot tie, which she had seized from the Wabbit's secret drawer of carrot accessories, and looked at her legs in the culottes she had made from an old coat. "Not bad," she murmured. "Now what about some laddish speech?" She placed her paws on her hips and winked at the mirror. "Carrot juice puts fur on your chest!" Then she patted her chest and pointed. "Let's go to the Carrotery, jump the juice and get legless." In her thoughts, things became frisky. "Let's find ourselves a couple of hot carrots." Lapinette sighed and returned to first principles. "My name's Bunky. I'm a boy."
[Cynar is an liqueur flavoured with herbs and plants, predominantly artichokes. Laddish: a young man who behaves boisterously]

1. The Wabbit's Carrot Club Conundrum

The Wabbit stalked the hallowed corridors of the Carrot Club bearing his badge of office. He had acted as Grand Daucus for three years and his tenure was due to expire, so he wanted a big splash when he stood down. He hopped along the corridor, then hopped back.  "How," he thought, "can I enlist the first female member of the Carrot Club?" He shook his head like a donkey because nearly everyone thought the Carrot Club was a stuffy, male only institution. But there was one simple incontrovertible fact. Despite the best efforts of the Club, no female had ever applied. The Wabbit ploughed through a list of membership ideas.  "Perhaps," he mused, "I could be a guest speaker at the Artichoke Club." The Wabbit visualised the large numbers of females he'd seen travelling every year to the Artichoke Festival of Ladispoli and saw himself moving quietly amongst them, passing out carrot leaflets. The Wabbit smiled. "I could make a special offer. If the new member doesn't like the Club after 3 months, we return the fee." The Wabbit felt he was getting somewhere so he mentally listed several ideas and thought out a design for a badge bearing the slogan "Carrots Matter". "I have it!" yelled the Wabbit suddenly. "We'll hold a cocktail and carrot reception!" His voice travelled to the end of the corridor and returned jollier than it had set out. "I'll get some costings in the bar," thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit hosts the Adventure Caffè

They gathered in a caffè by the river and waited for Skratch to arrive. In the interim, the Wabbit glared at Wabsworth and Wabsworth stared back. Lapinette tried to distract the Wabbit. "This is a nice place Wabbit, I didn't know it was here." "It's part of the Old Medieval Castle," muttered the Wabbit. Tipsy lurched against the wall and yelled, "Oh look it's Skratch!" Skratch purred his way into the throng. "Well that was quite an adventure." "What kind of adventure, though?" grinned Jenny. The Wabbit finally smiled. "I expect you're going to tell us about narratological repetition." "Not at all," said Skratch. "I'm going to tell you that repetition is an untranslated unconscious message." Finally Wabsworth spoke. "It was my job to bring that to consciousness." Lapinette crossed her legs. "So what was the message?" Wabsworth nodded sagely. "We're all preserved as individuals from moment to moment and that's repetition." "Who's buying the drinks?" yelled Tipsy. "Looks like John Paul Sartre." said Skratch. The Wabbit winked broadly. "Then we may have to wait a while, so I'll get them." He made a secret sign and glasses tinkled in the kitchens. "How did you do that?" asked Lapinette. "Practice," said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked sceptical because when it came to attracting the attention of waiters, the Wabbit was hopeless. "I come here every day," confessed the Wabbit. 

13. The Wabbit and the Ball Question

The Wabbit's team arrived just as a cry of "We surrender!" issued from inside the ball. Lapinette sliced away a cake-shaped portion and an Ice Mouse appeared with a white flag clenched in its jaw. "This wasn't supposed to happen," said a stern voice at the rear. The Wabbit gasped in amazement. "Alien Pilot. What the binky are you doing here?" Alien Pilot blinked all four eyes. "I'm afraid this is an art installation for your Museum of Enemies, Commander." The Wabbit began to bluster, so Lapinette waved her edged weapon. "We were not informed." Alien Pilot looked abashed. "It was interactive. That was the whole point." Lapinette noticed the Wabbit getting furious so she cut in. "Who's idea?" "It was Wabsworth," said the Alien Pilot. "He knew you'd be pleased." The Wabbit tapped a foot rhythmically in a fashion that even Tipsy found alarming. "Oh I am pleased," he growled. "Very pleased indeed. Any others that I should perhaps congratulate?" "Nine the Tram," said the Alien Pilot. A strange thing happened. The Wabbit's head tilted back and he started to guffaw. "Haw haw haw." The Wabbit's sides shook as he convulsed in helpless mirth, but he stopped suddenly. "Where's my souvenir?" Without warning Tipsy fired a single round. Panico caught the bullet between his teeth and threw it to the Wabbit. "All's well that ends well, Sir." The Wabbit laughed again. "The fun has only just started!"