The Real Adventure Caffè

The team assembled at the Jazz Club for a secret confab but Skratch the Cat was late as usual. He liked to make an entrance. The Wabbit had the Stone in his charge and had been briefing him, so it was no surprise when the Stone shouted "I'll' ask the question!" They all pretended not to notice Skratch hove into sight. Suddenly the Stone yelled. "What kind of adventure was that?" Skratch stopped in his tracks and for once he was quiet. "The adventure was recuperated spectacle," murmured Jenny. Everyone looked round and Jenny smiled. "We undercut its hegemony through our directly lived experience." Skratch looked absolutely dumbfounded. "But did we fully foreground the signifier?" asked the Wabbit. "I think," said Lapinette, "that an overweening concern for structure is a sign of a misspent youth." Skratch croaked slightly and opened his mouth. Without warning, Wabsworth the Wabbit's android double, chipped in. "Complex phenomena cannot be reduced like so much soup!" "I'd like so much soup," said the Stone. Skratch was relieved to change the subject. "Of course," he said. "How discourteous of me. What soup will you have?" "Quantum soup," laughed the Stone. Skratch's eyes grew wide as his head. "We're pulling your leg, laddie," said the Stone. Skratch grinned weakly. "I think need a drink." 

The Wabbit and the Safety of the Stone

They met in the safety of the Dark Basement of the Goddesses to deliver the Stone. "Ahem," said the Wabbit because he didn't know what to say. He always felt in awe of Unut the Rabbit Goddess, but Jenny felt no awe whatsoever. "Pleased to meet you, Goddess," she nodded. Unut smiled. "No formality required. Around here, they call me Oonty." The Wabbit was delighted to see Unut in a such a good mood. "We brought the Stone," he said. There was a sudden skittering of the Stone's boots. "I'm here, you know. Am no invisible." Unut looked down affectionately. "Well done Stone. You're safe here." "Why did you need us?" asked the Wabbit boldly. Unut took the Wabbit's paw. "Only you and Jenny together could get to the Stone." "So what next?" asked Jenny. "Hold the Stone close," said Unut. "There are evil forces who want to destroy him." The Wabbit sighed with relief and he grinned broadly because now he felt in familiar territory. "Is that all?" he said, grasping Jenny's paw in solidarity. "Not quite," said Unut. The Wabbit's eyes narrowed and Unut's voice changed. "This enemy is trickier than most and they would use magic against us." "What kind of magic?" asked Jenny. "Voodoo," replied Unut. The Wabbit bared all of his 28 teeth. "Hop through the fire, fly through the smoke." Jenny gripped the Wabbit's paw tightly. "See our enemy at the end of dey rope."

The Wabbit and the Return Splash

The team heard an enormous roaring and they rushed to the observation window. They were above water and airborne, but the Wabbit recognised the buildings. "We're home!" he yelled, "We're home!" Thoth's voice boomed over the tannoy. "We have arrived in Turin. Please prepare to disembark."  "Where on earth can we disembark?" asked Skratch the Cat. The Wabbit frowned. He didn't relish Thoth returning to a his rightful shape as a baboon with everyone inside. But Wabsworth was as calm as an android can be. "The Egypt Museum probably, we have to hide the stone." Now Lapinette knew this would concern the Wabbit even more and murmured in his ear. "I'm sure the Stone will be fine there for a while." "What if he wants to go around?" mused the Wabbit. "What if he goes off on a folly?" "Let him," said Lapinette, "what's the worst that could happen?" In his mind, the Wabbit caught a brief glimpse of the city struck by flame, flood, pestilence and rogue meteorites. Skratch noticed the Wabbit's distracted look and spoke calmly. "I wonder," he said. "Not a soul will expect the Stone to do his own thing." "So by not hiding," added Jenny, "he will automatically be hidden where no-one will ever look." "OK," said the Wabbit and he looked purposefully around the team for an escort. "Puma?" suggested Lapinette. "Robot?" said Wabsworth. "Duetta?" said Skratch. "I suppose it falls to me," sighed the Wabbit.

17. The Wabbit at the Whale Caffè

"What's this for a sort of officers' mess?" asked Skratch. "I'm the God, Thoth," boomed Thoth out of nowhere. "I am thrice great and I can have thrice what I like." "Very sophisticated," said the Wabbit soothingly as he sipped his wine and for a moment there was silence. "Just don't leave any sticky wine rings on the generators," added Thoth. "It gets into the sprockets." The Wabbit shook his head and raised his glass. "I propose a toast," he said. "Here's to the team who brought back the Stone." "Am no back yet," said the Stone, "and where's my wine?" "Stones don't drink wine," said Lapinette. "Oh aye they do," said the Stone. "You just have to spill it on top of me." Lapinette looked at the Stone with astonishment. "I absorb it," he explained. A great wail echoed round the engines. "There will be no spilling of wine near my machinery," roared Thoth. "Thoth," said the Wabbit, "I didn't think you whale gods needed engines." "I'm experimenting," answered Thoth. "It's a whole new clean energy approach in deity transport." "These are electricity generators," said the Wabbit. "Exactly," replied Thoth. "What fuel do they run on?" asked the Wabbit. "Anti-plankton," said Thoth, "thrice recycled." The Wabbit glanced at Jenny the Pirate and she shrugged. "We're walking the anti-plankton," she smiled. 

16.The Wabbit - the Belly of the Whale

The team hopped into Thoth's mouth and slid down his whale's throat as if it was a chute. They weren't expecting a restaurant but they were delighted. The Stone took his place of honour as music started. A stately drum roll echoed in the vast hall, then a long wail of pipes swung rapidly into a reel. The Wabbit grinned mightily. He placed his feet together in a pointy fashion, sprang into the air and shouted "heuch" like a warlock. Lapinette only knew of this from books but she too flung herself upwards with joy. Jenny the Pirate was already airborne, dragging Skratch into a mad dance and singing. "Oh I've sailed in storms and I sailed through gales, but I ne'er did travel in the belly of a whale!" How they duner’d, and hooh’d, and thumped, and raved. They threw each other around until they were quite hysterical. "Oh," laughed the Wabbit, slumping. "That was awful guid." "I found my cap," said a delighted Skratch. The Wabbit turned to him but something else took his attention. "Wabsworth!" How did you get here?" Wabsworth looked up and waved. "I used another way in," he said, "it was rather interesting." Lapinette smirked as a deep voice boomed suddenly from the bowels of the whale. "Food is served in the Officers' Mess." "What's on the menu?" cried the Stone. "Seafood nibbles," boomed Thoth, "thrice fried." "Paw food!" yelled Skratch.

15. The Wabbit and Unusual Transport

The Wabbit looked into the distance and worried. "Where's Wabsworth?" "He's coming," said Lapinette, "he had some kingship ritual to perform." A strange cry split the air that was somewhere between a screech and a roar. "Please be quick," said Thoth the Whale. "I am thrice impatient." "What about our ships?" asked Jenny the Pirate. "I'm not going anywhere without my ship." "The Unut is in dry dock in Genoa," sighed Thoth, "and the Lepus is being retro-fitted in Troon." "Then how do we get home?" asked Skratch, "and where's my cap?" "You're coming with me," said Thoth, "do you have the Stone?" The Wabbit was furious and hopped up and down. "You knew what we had to find! You knew all along!" "I am thrice duplicitous," said Thoth. "Oh it's no use arguing," grunted the Wabbit. "We all have to get in." "What's it like in there?" asked Skratch. "Thoroughly unpleasant," snorted Jenny who had a clue about whales. Lapinette looked doubtful. There was another noise. "I have pleasant quarters and a full supply of aperitivi on board." "Rum?" asked Jenny. "Seven Fathoms," replied Thoth. "Music?" asked the Wabbit. "Jazz," said Thoth. "Any Highland tunes?" asked the Stone. "Drums, fifes, bagpipes and tabors," said Thoth. "I'm on ma holidays!" shouted the Stone.

14. The Wabbit & the King of Helpers

Suddenly the team was outside on a parapet, gazing at a figure towering over the landscape. The Wabbit's android double had been specifically left to go native with the locals - and it looked like he'd taken the job seriously. "Hurrah for the Liberator!" shouted the Creatures. "Hurrah for the electric rabbit!" Lapinette sounded disgruntled. "I thought Wabsworth was supposed to keep everything quiet." "Maybe he knows what he's doing," murmured the Wabbit and he fished his walkie talkie from his fur. "Wabsworth, what the binky are you doing?" The radio crackled. "Sorry Commander, they wouldn't have it any other way." "Your Excellency," sighed the Wabbit, "we found what we were looking for. Now we have to get out of here." "Get out with me, the Stone," yelled the Stone with glee. It was too loud. "They have the Stone!" yelled the creatures and they started to hum and sway rhythmically. "Sort it out Wabsworth," snapped the Wabbit and he switched his radio off. Wabsworth voice boomed out and it echoed from the two towers. "We must hide the Stone!" Still swaying, the creatures turned. "Hide the stone, hide the Stone!" they roared. "Our friends came to help us," shouted Wabsworth. "They will hide the stone for us!" The combined shouts of the creatures were deafening. "Help us,  dear Friends. Help us hide our Stone!" "He's good, this Wabsworth fellow," murmured Jenny. "He's his own best helper," smiled Skratch.

13. The Wabbit and the Animated Map

No-one knew exactly what happened but the pillars began to fade and they were back on the walkway over the chasm. Everyone pulled out weapons and looked around, but there was only a flickering of images. "What are these lettering things?" asked Lapinette. "They're the Types of Destiny," said the Stone. "Do you mean you get a choice?" asked Jenny. "Cats get many," answered Skratch. The Wabbit barely heard this interchange because he was calculating. "I'm going to call this the Pit of Relativism," he rasped and he clutched his Snazer close to his fur. "I can see a light there," said Lapinette, lowering her automatic. The Wabbit's head swivelled. "Not all light is good light," he murmured. The five steadily moved along the platform, stopping occasionally and looking about. "It's all artifice," said Pirate Jenny, "we're in the map." "The animated map," laughed Skratch the Cat. "So how do we get out of the map?" said Lapinette. "We hop to the edge," said the Wabbit. "The edge of darkness?" asked Skratch. "One thing I know about edges," said the Wabbit," is that something stops and another thing starts." Jenny racked the slide of her automatic. "I feel like starting something," she said. Lapinette gripped her Makarov and hopped from right to left and bared her teeth. "So do I," she breathed.

12. The Wabbit and the Original Stone

The ring dropped and air hissed. "Take cover!" shouted the Wabbit but it was too late. Rabbit Jenny neatly sidestepped and Skratch deftly flinched as the lid shot past his head. "I am the original Stone," said a Stone creature, "what took ye a' so long?" Jenny's look was a question for the Wabbit - and the Wabbit knew the answer. "We've been looking for you," he said solemnly. "We came a long way and used a lot of expensive stuff." The Stone hopped up and down with agitation. "I was in hiding!" Lapinette moved closer to inspect the stone. "Why the strange garb?" she asked. "I'm disguised," said the Stone. "They're after me." "We're here to take you to a place of safety," said Skratch suddenly. The Wabbit hadn't been expecting that, so he inclined his head towards Skratch. "I know how this plot works," shrugged Skratch. "Where will ye take me?" interrupted the Stone. The Wabbit had to think, because he had no idea. "We'll take you back to Turin," he said after deliberating for quite some while. Now the Stone thought for a long time. "What's the food like?" This time Jenny stepped in. "There are delicious Hershey's bars, wrapped in smoked salmon." "Oh aye?" asked the Stone. "And covered in mayonnaise," continued Jenny. "Oooh," said the Stone. "Then deep fried in batter," added the Wabbit. "When do we leave?" said the Stone.

11. The Wabbit, the Stone and the Ring

Rabbit Jenny was right. The void was an illusion and they found themselves in a marbled hall. Everything appeared clear. There was a carved stone - or was it a sarcophagus? "Is this it, Wabbit?" said Jenny, "is this what we seek?" The Wabbit shrugged. "Might be," he said. "Maybe we should open it then," said Lapinette and she tugged at the lid. "It looks heavy," said Skratch. He tried to shift it too but it wouldn't budge a millimeter. For a while they all stood and looked at it, as if it might move on its own. "What's this opening?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit glanced at it but when he looked into the hole, he felt suddenly compelled to search in his fur. Lapinette watched him closely. "What are you looking for?" "I'll know when I find it," sighed the Wabbit and he continued searching. "I found it," he said with glee and he took out a ring. Skratch's heart flipped and he looked at Jenny - but Jenny was watching the ring and saw it flash in the dim light. "Did you see that?" she asked. "See what?" said Skratch. "The ring flashed," said Jenny. Lapinette gestured to the stone. "Put it in the opening, Wabbit." The Wabbit leaned forward, dropped the ring through the small aperture and waited. Jenny's ears fluttered. "Did you hear that?" Lapinette held up a paw for silence and put her ear to the stone. "Let me oot!" cried a voice.

10. The Wabbit and the Void

The team materialised. They were on a platform that hung in mid air over a vast chasm and there was nowhere to go. The Wabbit rummaged in his fur and drew out his lucky rock. He shook his head - then gritting his teeth, he flung it over the side. Everyone waited for a sound, but none came. Rabbit Jenny strolled up and down the platform and looking over each edge, called loudly. No echo answered. "There's only one way to go," she decided and dangled a pirate boot in the void. "Aaahgh," yelled Skratch. Jenny frowned and looked at the Wabbit. "Remind me of what we're looking for?" "I don't know exactly," said the Wabbit. Jenny looked over the edge. "Well, I can't see it." One by one everyone started to laugh. "Shhh, listen," said Lapinette. Laughing died as they listened hard. A faint echo of laughter replied from empty space. "We have to jump," said Jenny. "It's the only way." "It might be a long way down," said the Wabbit. "I don't think there is a down," answered Jenny. "I think we're in that other map you mentioned." She hopped to the far end of the platform and turned. Then without looking she leaned into nothingness. "Wha' will fill a coward's grave?" she shouted .. and she jumped. Skratch jumped after her. Lapinette bounded from the edge of the platform. "I'm not keen on heights," muttered the Wabbit and he flipped backwards into the abyss.

9. The Wabbit and the Power of Maps

Leaving Wabsworth to go native with the locals and gather information, the team gathered in a likely spot. "I don't see anything," said Lapinette, "are you sure this is right?" "That," said the Wabbit, "was my information," and he rummaged frantically in his fur. Skratch the Cat pricked up his ears. "Did anyone hear that?" Captain Jenny blinked and her nose twitched "A rumbly sort of noise?" "A rumbly, slidy rasping?" added Lapinette. "Shhh .." said the Wabbit as he flourished his map. Skratch reached for it but when his paw touched the parchment, a surge of energy shook them both. "Static?" suggested the Wabbit and he narrowed his eyes. "Oh, let me see," said Lapinette and she gripped the map by a corner. "Ouch," shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette looked at her tingling paw, shook it and said something under her breath. Pirate Jenny thought for a minute. "Let's all touch it together." The Wabbit nodded. He unrolled the map and each grasped a corner and waited. Nothing happened. The Wabbit suddenly grinned and rolled up the map. "Use your hook, Jenny!" Jenny changed paws and her hook coiled round the parchment. "Grip it," said the Wabbit. The map began to vibrate. They all looked round as a door swivelled and a passageway opened in the pyramid.  "Hold the map!" shouted the Wabbit and they all grabbed for it. Then they shimmered and vanished - as with a violent rasping, the door swung shut.

8. Skratch and the Instant Proposal

As the Wabbit and Lapinette watched the preparations for the Sago Ceremony, Skratch the Cat took his opportunity. "Captain Jenny," he whispered, sinking to his knees. Jenny looked down with interest and Skratch began. "I adore you Captain," he said. "May I have your hook in marriage?" Jenny rocked back and forth in a pirate fashion. Then she leant forward and pursed her lips and muttered. "Where's my dowry?" "That really comes from your side," replied Skratch, who had been a Cat Burglar and knew what was what. "But I have some jewelry put by."  "Oh," said Jenny, and she smiled. "Who's going to marry us?" Skratch gestured towards the Wabbit's android double. "Wabsworth has a divinity sub-routine," he purred. Jenny chuckled. "Who's going to give me away then?" "The Wabbit of course, he's senior." Jenny let forth a kind of a giggle. "I see no ring!" Skratch felt beads of perspiration under his mask. "I'm certain the Wabbit has one in his fur." "Aha!" said Jenny. "I don't want a second-hand ring the Wabbit found in a market." Skratch was quick. "I'm sure there's a special ring somewhere on this island." Now Jenny grinned. "Perhaps we'll find one." Skratch brightened and Jenny drew close. "I really don't know, Skratch. But I tell you what I'll do." Skratch felt his legs go rubbery. "I'll think about it," said Jenny curtly, then paused. "What on earth that thudding?" "My beating heart," sighed Skratch.

7. The Wabbit and the First Encounter

The team traversed the island and from a vantage point, surveyed the scene. But as they looked down at an avenue of pillars, they saw figures emerge from between the blue pyramids. One larger than the rest looked up and called out. "Do you seek treasure?"  Jenny looked at Lapinette. "You're the anthropologist, it's your call." Lapinette thought carefully. "We seek no treasure, we seek what is rightfully ours." Creatures scurried around and held impromptu discussions. "What is it that is rightfully yours?" cried the leader. The Wabbit shook his head. "We're not rightfully sure, but we have a map which leads to another map." The leader laughed. "Throw away your map, we know where everything is." "In that case," said Lapinette, "we'll pop down and interview you about your customs." There was a brief interval while more discussions took place. The leader hailed them again. "Have you brought any sago?" Lapinette smiled, because for once the Wabbit had something useful in his fur. But Jenny broke in quickly. "Sago is a scarce commodity, but we might be able to assist you." The Wabbit gripped his hidden packet tightly. "Have you heard of antique sago?" he called. A cheer rose above the island and some creatures began to dance. "We will now prepare the altar," called the leader. "I don't like the sound of this," said Skratch the Cat.

6. The Wabbit lands on Wablantis

"It's just up here," said Lapinette, but the Wabbit knew from his map that this might be a long way from their goal. So he hopped forward with a stern look to give the impression he knew what he was doing. "I though it would be warmer," said Captain Jenny, clutching an arm to her chest. "This is my summer tunic." Lapinette smiled because she had seen the whole island from her helichopper. She thought the island's broad plains and rounded hills might get very hot indeed - so she had dragged a light battledress from her locker. The Wabbit spoke in a too-loud voice and glanced all around. "I find it rather strange that no-one's about." "We should be on our guard," Commander," said Jenny. "These quiet places with no sign of life hide awful secrets and conceal strange practices." Lapinette was intrigued. "What sort of thing?" "Devil worship," replied Jenny. "And ritual sacrifice," added the Wabbit. But Lapinette had studied anthropology in the field with the Bare’e-speaking Toradja. "In Central Sulawesi," she nodded, "it ensures fertility." Jenny snorted. "Aren't they the ones that drink their own ...?"  No," said Lapinette quickly, "that's the Sambians of New Guinea." "Well, did we bring any gifts for inhabitants?" asked Jenny. The Wabbit dug deep in his fur and found a packet of sago long past its sell-by date. "We'll be fine," he murmured.
[Background photograph: Mick Warne]