The Wabbit and the Jazz University

Skratch the Cat met the Wabbit emerging from the university and fell alongside. "Hello, Wabbit where were you?" "Oh, hello Skratch," said the Wabbit, "I was just giving a talk on jazz and rabbits." "Really," replied Skratch, "can you give a whole lecture on that?" The Wabbit looked snooty. "Jazz," he said, "is the natural music of rabbits," and he left it at that, as if the statement alone was enough. "How so?" asked Skratch, inclining his head. "Rabbits appear and disappear at will," stated the Wabbit. "Now you see them, now you don't?" queried Skratch. The Wabbit nodded gravely. "And so it is with jazz," he said. "In jazz, there are notes that aren't really there and we rabbits lean on spaces that aren't there." "How do you know they aren't there?" asked Skratch. "Because we can't hear them or see them," said the Wabbit. Skratch's brain whirled. "They're ghosts!" said the Wabbit. "They don't exist as such -  we just imply them." "Oh I see!" said Skratch, without conviction. "Well, talking of things that aren't there, isn't it colourless around here?" "Do you know all theory is grey?" said the Wabbit. "You hum it and I'll join in," said Skratch.

The Wabbit's Adventure Caffè

"I'm relieved to see all these people," said Lapinette. "So am I" said the Wabbit. "And now we're back in phase, Skratch can ask the Question." "I will," said Skratch the Cat. "What was that for a short adventure?" "It was all a question of point of view," said the Wabbit. "Who's point of view?" wailed Ghost Bunny. "Our point of view," said the Wabbit. "That's why you got contaminated," moaned Ghost Bunny softly. "Your point of view was strongly attractive to the Dark Energy creatures." "Perhaps our point of view needs to shift," said Lapinette." "Well, whatever you do, don't lose it," said Skratch. "If it got out on its own, it might run amok." "I don't want anyone else to have my point of view," said the Wabbit, "they might go around trying to be me." Skratch paused, then smiled an embarrassed smile. "I saw you by the way." "Where?" said the Wabbit. "At the jazz club," answered Skratch. "Then why didn't you say anything?" asked Lapinette. Skratch hung his head a bit. "We were booking for Michael Bublé." "Oh, he's not so bad," grinned the Wabbit. Skratch gaped. "Are you going through a phase?" "It will pass," laughed Lapinette.

7. The Wabbits in the Quantum Well

Ghost Bunny flew wailing into the air and back, as a cage formed around the Wabbit and Lapinette. The Wabbits flinched as a sudden, massive force pulled them forward, then back, then up, then down to the bottom of the cage. "I was in a washing machine once," panted the Wabbit. Lapinette squirmed. "How did that go?" she gasped. "It was all right until rinse and spin," spluttered the Wabbit. Suddenly the pulling stopped. "What’s happening, Ghost Bunny?" shouted the Wabbit. "You’re in a quantum lattice well," said Ghost Bunny. "It will pull you flat again and then you’ll be correctly in phase." "As much as we ever were," said Lapinette. "We were only going through a phase," mused the Wabbit. "I’ve been waiting to hear you say that for some time," sighed Lapinette and she kicked the Wabbit in the leg. "I didn’t feel that at all," grinned the Wabbit. "Then I have to make a few quantum adjustments," said Ghost Bunny and she flew around hauntingly for quite some time. At last she returned. "Here's a wish for the quantum well," she moaned. "How many dimensions would you like to be?" "Just the usual two," said the Wabbit.

6. The Wabbit and the Cold Dark Matter

Ghost Bunny floated to a gateway and indicated that Lapinette and the Wabbit should get inside. Then she did something - and what that something was, no-one knew for sure. But a cloud of dancing matter swirled around the Wabbits and when they became visible, Ghost Bunny addressed them both directly. "What on earth are you two up to?" she breathed in a haunting voice. "We don't know," said the Wabbit. "It just happened," said Lapinette. "We're out of phase," said the Wabbit. "I know," said Ghost Bunny, "and that's exactly where you'll stay unless I can think of a solution." "I don't like it here," said the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny thought for a while and then she reached some kind of conclusion. "It must have been the dark energy creatures you fought in the Metro," she wailed. "They contaminated you." "Yuck," said Lapinette and she pawed her shoulders frantically. Ghost Bunny started to moan a low technical moan, full of equations and talk of isotropic inertness and perturbations. "That doesn't get us out," said the Wabbit. "We can't stay in this gateway forever, it's cold," sulked Lapinette. "I'm thinking," said Ghost Bunny. "so please let me complete my research." "What about a Potential Well?" interrupted Lapinette. "Oh, things aren't that bad," said Ghost Bunny.

5. The Shadows of the Wabbits

The Wabbit and Lapinette tried to take a Number 9 tram but there didn’t seem to be any. So they hopped a long way through deserted streets until they came to Pluto Park - in the hope of finding Ghost Bunny. "She’s usually around here somewhere," said the Wabbit and his ears fidgeted. "Do you really think she can help us get back into phase?" said Lapinette. "If anyone can, she can," said the Wabbit. Lapinette knew the Wabbit trusted Ghost Bunny like no other and she nodded quietly. "There she is!" shouted the Wabbit. Lapinette waved frantically and so did the Wabbit. "Over here, over here, Ghost Bunny!" they yelled. Ghost Bunny seemed to look at them, then turned away. "No, no!" shouted the Wabbit. "Help! We’re out of phase!" Ghost Bunny paused and turned back. She stared for a while then shook her head. "I’m sure I saw something," she murmured. "No, just a trick of the light." She shrugged just like the Wabbit and started to turn away again. "Lapinette, look!" shouted the Wabbit, "we have shadows! Jump, jump!" They both jumped and waved and their shadows danced merrily. Ghost Bunny swung around. "Wabbit? Lapinette?" she said. "Ghost Bunny!" screamed the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny couldn’t hear a thing but this time she gazed shrewdly. "Something weird is going on," she decided. 

4. The Wabbits seem to be Ignored

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette headed for the Torino Jazz Club which did rather a good carrot aperitivo - and it looked as deserted as everywhere else in the city. But to the Wabbit's surprise, two familiar figures came into view. "Look there’s Skratch!" shouted the Wabbit. "And Wabsworth, your android double!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit gazed, because something seemed strange about them. "Lets join them and ask what’s going on," suggested the Wabbit. They chased after them shouting and waving their paws. But no matter how much they shouted and waved, Skratch and Wabsworth paid not the slightest attention whatsoever - and continued into the Club. "Skraaaatch!" yelled the Wabbit with the loudest voice he could muster. "Waaaabsworth!" screamed Lapinette. But it was as if their friends could neither hear or see them. The Wabbit turned to Lapinette and touched her lightly on the paw. "You can feel that, can't you?" he asked. "Of course I can," said Lapinette and she poked the Wabbit in the ribs. "Ouch" said the Wabbit. "So what's happening?" asked Lapinette. "They're OK, I'm afraid it's us," said the Wabbit. "We can't be seen?" said Lapinette. "Or heard," said the Wabbit. "Because something's thrown us out of phase."

3. The Wabbits in the Deserted City

"You’re on the flower bed," said Lapinette. "Am I?" said the Wabbit. "There’s nobody here to tell me off," he remarked and his ears swayed gently. "Get off anyway," said Lapinette. "OK," said the Wabbit and he looked all around. "It’s deserted just like the Marie Celeste." "We’re not a ship in the Atlantic Ocean," said Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head. "Look over there at that caffè," he said. "I can see an espresso machine steaming gently - just as if everyone vanished into thin air." "That never really happened on the Marie Celeste," said Lapinette. "Didn’t it?" queried the Wabbit in a disappointed voice. "What happened to the crew?" "Oh, the crew vanished all right," said Lapinette. "What’s your theory then?" asked the Wabbit. "Pirates," said Lapinette. The Wabbit laughed. "And they never took the cargo of alcohol destined for Genoa to fortify wine?" Lapinette was forced to nod in agreement and she looked around some more. "Better radio in," she decided. "There’s no-one there," said the Wabbit. "Not even static. Silent as the day is long. Completely dead." "I get the drift," said Lapinette. "I can only think of one thing to do," said the Wabbit. "Let’s have an aperitivo." "Self service?" said Lapinette. "The only way to go," grinned the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Quiet Highway

"Where did we have to turn?" said the Wabbit. "Left at Albuquerque," said Lapinette. "Ha ha," said the Wabbit, "you got the wrong rabbit." "If you weren’t haring along you wouldn’t miss turns," said Lapinette. "I’m used to better," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled. "You mean Turbina?" she said, "well you can’t always drive a jet car." "I prefer to," said the Wabbit. "You prefer a car to fly," said Lapinette, "and that's weird." "I like Turbina," said the Wabbit, changing gear. "She has an impossibly high rank," cautioned Lapinette. "Yes," said the Wabbit, "it’s so high that no one knows what it is." "There was silence and all they could hear was a faint hum and the murmuring of Capital Radio. "No-one much about," observed the Wabbit. Lapinette tossed her ears back. "I thought  you liked a quiet drive." "It's spooky," said the Wabbit. "And if it seems wrong, it probably is." "Do you think they were spirited away?" asked Lapinette. The Wabbit considered. "Now you’re talking," he answered. "It’s very spooky indeed." Lapinette dug the Wabbit in the ribs. "Do you have the toll money?" "It’s in my fur," said the Wabbit. "I’ll never find it in time," groaned Lapinette. "Maybe there won’t be anybody at the toll," said the Wabbit. And there wasn’t.

1. The Wabbits Hop the Silent Sands

Far, far away from secret keys and flying saucers and interrogations, Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit hopped along the empty sands. "Not many around," commented Lapinette. "Swept out to sea?" suggested the Wabbit. "Wabbit!" sighed Lapinette. "Must you always lark around and make bad jokes." "I never  lark" said the Wabbit, "and jokes belong to the beholder." "You can't behold a joke," giggled Lapinette. "I'm not so sure," said the Wabbit and he wriggled his ears in a manner only he could manage. They strolled for a bit and then Lapinette remembered something. "What did you do with the Ice Mice?" "Probation," said the Wabbit. "That's lenient," said Lapinette. "They're now training to be probation officers," said the Wabbit. "You're a very harsh rabbit," sighed Lapinette. "It's called poetic justice," said the Wabbit. They hopped a little further down the beach. "I did hear from the Department about a new mission," whispered Lapinette. The Wabbit's eyes brightened. "But it's very hush-hush," she added. "Better not tell me then," laughed the Wabbit.

The Wabbit interrogates the Prisoners

The Wabbit didn't really enjoy interrogations, even when he was the one doing them. So he made an arrangement with Marshall Duetta Spyder, who knew the terrain. The Wabbit would be tough and Duetta the more reasonable. The Wabbit stared at the Ice Mice, curled his lip into a sneer. and made his big blue glasses pop forward. "I want names! I want places!" He paused for effect. "And I want other things I haven't even thought of!" "We are Ice Mice one, two and three," said the leader of the Ice Mice. "And we're not obliged to tell you anything." "I'll oblige you to speak when you're spoken to," yelled the Wabbit. "Ah, Commander. You did speak to them," said Duetta. "Did I ask them to answer?" said the Wabbit. "You implied they should answer," said Duetta. The Wabbit turned away then wheeled around. "You don't have to tell me anything. I know everything there is to know." "Then why are we here?" asked the leader. Duetta waved her front legs. "Why don't you tell him why you think you're here," she said silkily. "We only wanted the key," said an Ice Mouse. "To control the weather," said the Wabbit. "Is that a crime?" said an Ice Mouse. "Everyone else does it," said another. The Wabbit sighed a very long sigh. "Your mothers shouldn't have let you out!" he snapped.

The Wabbit at the Jump Cut Caffè

"Was that a Jump Cut I just felt?" asked Skratch the Cat. "You should know," said the Wabbit. "You're the Jump Cat." Skratch thought for a minute, but Lapinette broke the silence. "It certainly was. We all jumped." They nodded in agreement. "It wasn't a zoom or a cut-in," said the Wabbit. "It was from the same point of view, but we all changed round." "It was far from seamless," said Skratch. "Quite abrupt," said Lapinette. "A device to draw attention to the unreality of  life as we know it," commented the Wabbit. "By disrupting the narrative flow," said Skratch. They all took a very deep breath and now it was the Wabbit's turn to think. "I'm thirsty," said the Wabbit, "so where are our drinks?" "Service is a little slow," said Skratch. "And film criticism is so dehydrating," said Lapinette. The Wabbit leaned back and stretched. "While we're waiting we can think about our next adventure." "Anything on the wire?" asked Skratch. "It's the summer," shrugged Lapinette. "But we need an adventure," sighed the Wabbit. "No funds at the Department," said Lapinette, "it's the cuts." "The Wabbit's eyes flashed. "We'll cut them off at the pass!"

The Wabbit and that Adventure Caffè

The Wabbit heard their truck pull up and then the sound of pawsteps. He looked at Lapinette and winked and Lapinette winked too. Skratch the Cat saw Lapinette wink and thought the wink was for him - so he winked back. "What an adventure that was," he purred. "I'm thinking of writing an article about it myself." "Surely not for Jump Cut Review" said the Wabbit. "Oh," said Skratch, with a disappointed tone. "How did you know?" "I'm intuitive," said the Wabbit. "Also it's on your t-shirt." "In all the excitement I'd quite forgotten," sighed Skratch. Lapinette waved a paw for attention. "I thought that adventure would make a film series, with each film sharing a common diegetic world," she said. Lapinette had benefited from a classical education and had read up especially for such a conversation. "Diegetic - is that a stomach complaint?" said the Wabbit. "You know it's not!" said Skratch. "It refers to narrative devices that create a consistent emotional world for the characters in the story." "Like jump cuts?" asked the Wabbit slyly. Lapinette tapped the table once with her paw. "In that story, there was only one jump cut," she said. The Wabbit and Skratch looked horrified. "Where?" they yelled.

28. The Wabbits pose for the Press

Safely home, the Wabbit and his team assembled to accommodate a photo-journalist from La Stampa newspaper. "Are you sure I'm in this shot?" said the Wabbit, "I'm rather on the edge." "That's a wide angle lens," said Skratch, "so be assured that everyone is in the shot." "Wide angle?" said Lapinette. "I hope that's OK for my face." "Am I cut out of this photo?" growled Puma, "I can pounce lower down if you like." "What about my ears?" said the Keeper of the Keys. "They fold you know." "We're all in the shot! You can take my word for it," said Skratch. "I just want to make sure that we'll be on the front page and not the Saturday supplement." "Shall I deal with that?" said Puma and he let out of his loudest and most terrifying screams. "Looks like we get the front page then," smiled the Wabbit, "and I want the top of the page." "Top centre" added Lapinette. "I favour headlines in Times New Roman," said Puma. "In bold," said Skratch, "and the text should be aligned flush left with a ragged right hand." "But what about the story?" asked the Wabbit, "will you get the facts right?" "This is Turin, Sir," said the journalist. "When the legend becomes fact, we print the legend."

27. The Wabbit and the Last Word

Safely in the Wabbit’s hot air balloon, the gang made their getaway with the giant key at their side. The Wabbit’s walkie talkie crackled. "Red Spiders, Commander," said Duetta’s silky voice. "We have the prisoners." "Take them to the interrogation ramp," said the Wabbit, "and don’t drop them." Even through the radio, the Wabbit could hear the rustling of spidery legs as Duetta and her cohorts flew quickly across the city. "What about the saucer, Commander?" asked Duetta. "Give it another 5 kilometres," said the Wabbit, "then there might be turbulence." The Wabbit pressed a yellow switch and gave the radio to Lapinette. "Do you want to say the word?" Lapinette looked questioningly. "It’s voice activated," said the Wabbit. "What should I say?" asked Lapinette. "What would I say?" smiled the Wabbit and he winked at Skratch. Lapinette shrugged somewhat like the Wabbit and spoke softly into the radio. "Kaboom?" For a second there was nothing. Then they heard a creak, followed by a small bang. "Is that it?" asked Skratch. The Wabbit held up a paw. A deafening explosion ripped the craft apart and hurled bits of spaceship as far as the Alps. "That's it," said the Wabbit.

26. The Wabbit & A Sudden Appearance

The Wabbit steadied Lapinette as she fired a stream of bullets at the keyhole. The inside of the lock disintegrated and for a second there was the daylight that the Wabbit had requested. Then something totally unexpected happened. Puma emerged through the keyhole, raised a paw and gave a roar that startled the Ice Mice and everyone else. The Ice Mice tumbled from the key and they squealed hideously as they fell. The Wabbit nudged Lapinette. "You don't see that often," he sad quietly. Skratch was ecstatic, because he and Puma had been friends for a long time. "How did you get so big, Puma?" he shouted. Puma let forth a sound between a growl and a scream - in a way that only mountain creatures could. "This is a hologram!" he roared. "I am inside our army truck in the Corso Svizzera." The Wabbit shook his head, but he knew that Puma must have got help and he mentally gave thanks. "Let's get that key in the air," he shouted. "And where is Marshall Duetta?" "I'm here, just outside," said a silky spider voice. "Let the key though the keyhole," commanded the Wabbit. "Then stay well clear of this superannuated saucer." Duetta's silence said everything. "It's due for retirement," explained the Wabbit.