The Wabbit's Post Adventure Caffè

"Here comes Skratch!" said Lapinette. "I’m going to get in first," said the Wabbit. Skratch loomed into view, sporting a new T-shirt sent specially from Germany. "What was that for a sort of adventure?" asked the Wabbit. "Oh," said Skratch, "I really hadn’t thought about it." "You’re disappointing us Skratch," said Lapinette. Skratch smiled and inclined his head. "I thought the Wabbit avoided leading his audience into a position of dominant specularity." "I know what that means!" shouted Wabsworth, but everyone pretended not to hear. "I’m more concerned about this spy in the Department," said Lapinette. The Wabbit reflected. "Do you recall I said to tell anyone you liked about the golden wabbits?" Lapinette nodded. "Well, who do you like?" It was Lapinette’s turn to reflect. "I like that rabbit in Accounts," she said. "He always carries an enormous set of colour pencils." Skratch tapped the Wabbit on the shoulder and the Wabbit drew a little closer. "This colour pencil thing is a trick," Skratch said softly. "It’s a way of passing information undetected." The Wabbit thought long and hard. "Let’s keep this among ourselves," he said, "while we keep an eye on our friend, the bookkeeper." "Wabsworth!" said Lapinette suddenly. "If you were a colour what would it be?" "Transparent?" smiled Wabsworth. 

10. The Wabbit faces the Music

The Wabbit and Wabsworth caught up with Duetta the Red Spider and Lapinette at the rear of the Old Abandoned Hospital. "Glad you're OK, Commander," said Duetta. "Never a bother," said the Wabbit. "Don't you never a bother me," said Lapinette. "You could have told us what was going on." "It was strictly hush hush," said the Wabbit. Lapinette fumed. "I have the highest of clearances," she said. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. "We set up a smokescreen to lure the Agents." "A smokescreen!" said Duetta. "Most admirable." The Wabbit grinned. "The whole thing had to look like it was just me." "It was just you!" shouted Lapinette. "Me too!" said Wabsworth, immediately wishing he had kept quiet. "Were you by any chance testing us?" enquired Duetta. "Only in passing," said the Wabbit. An uncomfortable silence fell. Then Duetta tapped a leg. "What shall we do with the prisoners?" "Let them go," said the Wabbit, "and tell them to tell all their friends that we know." "Know what?" asked Lapinette. "I don't know," said the Wabbit. "But they won't know that we don't know." "Know what!" repeated Lapinette. "They have someone inside the Department," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Big Plunge

The Wabbit suddenly twisted the steering wheel and the jeep smashed through the Hopway railings. Everything went quiet as they sailed through the air. "Is this wise Commander?" asked Wabsworth. "Wabbits gotta have fun!" shouted the Wabbit. His ears twitched as he heard snaser fire. "Brace yourself!" he yelled. Wabsworth grabbed the dashboard. All of his 28 teeth chattered as the jeep landed with a suspension sapping smash and swerved across the breadth of the road. "This is a fine vehicle," stuttered Wabsworth. "Quite old fashioned," smiled the Wabbit. "I suppose you want one." "I'd like some proper upholstery," said Wabsworth, rubbing his fur. The Wabbit chortled. "How are our reinforcements?" he asked. "Making short work of the enemy," said Wabsworth. "We'll never hear the end of it," murmured the Wabbit, "so let's pretend it wasn't really us." "I don't think that will work," said Wabsworth. "Of course it won't work," replied the Wabbit, "but we can wind them up trying." "Yes, we'll let it drop casually," nodded Wabsworth. "OK, let's practice," said the Wabbit, adopting a conversational tone. "I was just displaying my golden wabbits, when a funny thing happened." "How will we explain the damage?" asked Wabsworth. "It was like that when we got here," grinned the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit & the Hopway Skirmish

As Duetta sped towards the Hopway, she could make out the Wabbit’s jeep and hear the sound of explosives. Agents of Rabit were swarming up fences and trying to halt the jeep, while others rained down explosives from the bridge. "I didn’t expect an Agents' flying column," said the Wabbit, "and that was my fault." He fired a few rounds at an Agent and watched him drop to the road. "Nobody’s perfect," said Wabsworth as he dispensed with another Agent. A bundle of dynamite came his way and he scooped it from the air and threw it back. A satisfying boom from below made his ears stiffen pleasantly. "Take that for your trouble," he smiled, then hearing the distinctive note of a biplane engine, he looked up.  "I think we have reinforcements," he cheered, digging the Wabbit sharply in the ribs. "Is that Lapinette?" sighed the Wabbit, "because there’ll be hell to pay." "Yes, and Duetta the Red Spider," yelled Wabsworth. Now the Wabbit smiled and he sprayed the Hopway with bullets. "Excellent," he chortled. "They can fight about who rescued us." Wabsworth pushed a foe away from the fence, oblivious to the frantic squeals as the Agent pitched to his doom. "Do we need rescuing?" he asked. The Wabbit’s Makarov spat fire at another Agent. "Not really," shrugged the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the Big Surprise

At Wabsworth’s command, the Wabbit’s élite guard stepped from the rows of golden wabbits and met advancing Agents of Rabit with a hail of snaser fire. At the same time, Duetta and the Red Spiders dropped from the shed roof - and seizing any Agents they could, disappeared into the sky. But there were many Agents and the more the Spiders seized, the more appeared. The battle raged for what seemed like hours, even though it was only a matter of minutes. Gradually, the Wabbit’s Guard gained control and mopped up remaining Agents. "Where’s  Commander Wabbit and Lieutenant Commander Wabsworth?" shouted the Field Commander. "They were supposed to be here!" As the sound of confrontation quietened, the guard became aware of another battle not too far away. "They need help!" yelled the Field Commander. He waved a paw towards the noise and ordered six troops to the Hopway. Way up above, Marshall Duetta Spyder paused as she heard ricochets of automatic gunfire and let an unfortunate Agent of Rabit drop to the concrete below. Then she wheeled and flew towards the Hopway with enormous speed. In the distance, the Wabbit and Wabsworth were engaged in a skirmish of their own and Duetta figured that things weren't going at all well. "Hang on Commander," she breathed. "Just hang onto your fur ..."

6. The Wabbit and the Surfeit of Foes

The sun began to set on the golden wabbits and all was quiet – or so it appeared. "I saw a Skuttle," said Wabsworth. "But only one," said the Wabbit, "and I also saw one of the Euls." "Curses on their  pointy ears," grimaced Wabsworth. "Did you spot an Ice Mouse?" asked the Wabbit. "I did," said Wabsworth. "It seemed hardly worth a mention." "They’re a spent force," said the Wabbit. "Look Wabsworth, all this is just noise, mere static." They watched the sun paint the girders orange. "I saw a golden wabbit move," said Wabsworth. "A trick of the light," said the Wabbit. "I’m an android," said Wabsworth, "and the light can’t trick me." "If you stare at anything long enough it seems to move," smiled the Wabbit. "My advanced circuitry takes care of all that stuff," said Wabsworth, "and I insist that something moved." The Wabbit tried to look sceptical. "Look at these two golden wabbits at the front," said Wabsworth. "They glanced at each other." Wabsworth stopped talking and stared at the Wabbit. His positronic brain raced and then he too smiled. "Yes," he said, "I understand." They both nodded in mutual satisfaction. But suddenly a dark shadow fell across the golden wabbits and Wabsworth stiffened. "Shall I be the one?" he murmured. "You do it," said the Wabbit calmly. Wabsworth threw back his head and with his loudest voice he yelled "Go! Go! Go!"

5. The Wabbit and the Big Wait

With all the golden wabbits displayed in the Big Shed, the Wabbit and Wabsworth, his android double, retired to a vantage point behind their one of their jeeps. They didn’t have long to wait before they heard sounds. Wabsworth nudged the Wabbit and the Wabbit looked up. Hordes of Red Spiders were descending on the shed. The Wabbit fidgeted. "Do we make a move, Commander?" asked Wabsworth. The Wabbit shook his head. "Don’t disappoint me, Marshall Duetta Spyder," he murmured to himself as he watched the flight of the Spiders. He figured he could make out Marshall Duetta herself  - she was far to the rear of the structure and for an instant he thought she made a squiggly wave. The Spiders settled on the roof and became very still. Even so, there were in such number that the covering groaned under the strain. "What are they doing, Commander?" said Wabsworth." "Waiting," said the Wabbit. "Just like us!" said Wabsworth. "It’s all the rage," said the Wabbit. Now Wabsworth was getting fidgety too. "Who are you really expecting?" "I don’t know for certain," said the Wabbit. "I only have the vaguest of clues." Wabsworth patted his automatic, then looked up. "Have you told me quite everything?" he sighed. "Now where’s the fun in that?" grinned the Wabbit. 

4. The Wabbit & the Bullet Proof Coat

It took until lunchtime for Wabsworth and the Wabbit to ferry all the golden wabbits to a carefully selected destination. "These are the last," said Wabsworth with relief. "Now we just have to move them across the hopway to the Big Open Shed," said the Wabbit. "We’ll be finished by evening." "And then?" asked Wabsworth - although being an exact copy of the Wabbit, he already knew. "We wait," said the Wabbit and he pushed his Makarov into his fur. "I do like that coat," said Wabsworth. "Is that a special issue?" "It’s bullet proof," said the Wabbit. "Could you requisition one for me?" Wabsworth hummed with excitement. "You’re an android and have no need of one," smiled the Wabbit, "and besides, they’re a little hot!" "Just the logos perhaps?" said Wabsworth. "Radio it in," said the Wabbit. "Code 007392, Dinosaur Fund." "Right away Commander." grinned Wabsworth. The Wabbit shifted uneasily and glanced from right to left. "See any trouble?" asked Wabsworth. "Not yet," said the Wabbit and he dug out his automatic and looked at it. He switched the safety catch and switched it back, then back again. A silence fell, only to be broken by a crackle from the radio. "Logos on the way, Commander. " Wabsworth smiled. He looked over at the Wabbit, then into the distance. "Will they go for it?" "Oh yes," muttered the Wabbit. "They most certainly will." He shook his head. "But which particular they?"

3. The Wabbit and the Dinosaur Fund

Lapinette called the Wabbit to the Department of Wabbit Affairs on a matter of urgency. "Wabbit, what on earth are these?" "Oh that must be my gold," said the Wabbit feigning surprise. "Unut’s gold?" asked Lapinette, sighing a long sigh. "I was expecting gold bars but this will do nicely," said the Wabbit. "Hmmm," said Lapinette. "Wabbit you’re up to something - I know you." The Wabbit smiled reassuringly. "I just felt we could use an increase in funds." "But where are we going to put them?" asked Lapinette. "In the Dinosaur Fund?" suggested the Wabbit. Lapinette knew that the Dinosaur Fund was for old fashioned and frankly unorthodox missions. "I don’t mean the account," she said, "I meant the location. We have no room for hundreds of golden wabbits." "Oh really?" said the Wabbit pretending to be disappointed. "I’m sure I can find a place for them." Lapinette screwed up her eyes and looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit tried not to flinch. "I’ll get the gang onto it, they know lots of places." "Don’t you want to keep it a secret?" asked  Lapinette. "No need," said the Wabbit. "Tell anyone you like." Now Lapinette was really suspicious. "Are they made of chocolate?" she ventured. "Heavens no, they’re pure gold," laughed the Wabbit. "You need security," said Lapinette. "Too much trouble," said the Wabbit. "There might be a gold rush," said Lapinette," and I’m not rescuing you." What?" said the Wabbit, "and miss a golden opportunity?"

2. The Wabbit & the Advisory Relation

It took the Wabbit all day to find his android double, Wabsworth. He finally caught up with him at the Porta Palazzo market, where he was looking for an unobtainable vinyl LP. "Wabsworth!" called the Wabbit. "I was hoping to meet you!" Wabsworth was startled. "Do you want your coat back?" he asked solemnly. "A borrowed coat can’t keep me warm." The Wabbit had completely forgotten about his coat. "Keep the coat, Wabsworth. It suits you." "Oh thank you," said Wabsworth looking relieved. "How can I help you?" "You are an exact copy of me," said the Wabbit, "so I want us to liaise on an urgent matter." "I’m not completely the same as you," said Wabsworth. "I have different experiences now." "All to the good," said the Wabbit and he explained about Unut the Rabbit Goddess and her offer to help achieve rabbit emancipation. "Mmm," said Wabsworth, "the horns of a dilemma." "You sound like me," sighed the Wabbit. "I can’t help it," said Wabsworth.  "Now what about the land, the gold and the weapons?" "That’s why I want you to advise me," said the Wabbit. "Well," said Wabsworth, "if you had to choose one, which would it be?" The Wabbit’s eyes lit up. "Yes," he exclaimed. "Always remember the golden rule!" Wabsworth knew what the Wabbit was going to say, so he said it for him. "He who has the gold makes the rules," he chortled.

1. The Wabbit and the Matter of Advice

The Wabbit thrust his paws far into his coat and hunched into a school doorway. The night air had become chilly and the Wabbit wished for summer, but the more he wished, the sharper the cold became. "Brrr," thought the Wabbit. He was reminded of his school days, when his only responsibility was to learn stuff from books and repeat it to the satisfaction of his stern masters.  The Wabbit and school had never easily coexisted. He would periodically absent himself and hide in the local library to read about existentialism. In consequence, the Wabbit was apt to think far too hard for far too long. "What am I going to do about Unut’s offer?" he thought. “And what about my alliance with Duetta and the Red Spiders?" The Wabbit thought hard for a while. "I need to take advice," he thought. The Wabbit didn't like asking for advice and liked taking it even less. But suddenly the Wabbit smiled. "I’ll call a Council of War," he thought. "Everyone will contribute. I will throw in my own ideas and get them back. Everyone will think they’re giving me advice." Then the Wabbit realised he had no ideas. He had reached an impasse. "I don’t need a Council of War," grinned the Wabbit. "I need a collaborator ..." and he grinned with his 28 teeth and hopped back into the shadows.

The Wabbit after the Adventure

Tucked away in a seaside caffe the Wabbit hoped he could be incognito. "This is nice and quiet," said the Wabbit, "and no Skratch to ask me what kind of adventure that was!" Out the corner of her eye, Lapinette watched Skratch hove into sight, but smiled to herself and said nothing. Suddenly the Wabbit's ears flapped as if driven by a high wind. "Wabbit!" called a familiar voice. "What was that for a kind of adventure?" The Wabbit pretended not to hear but Skratch persisted. "I thought it was a splendidly crafted pastiche of John Carpenter’s 'Dark Star'" he purred. "An exercise in counter aesthetics!" "At least we didn’t explode in a supernova," sighed the Wabbit who wished he had never enrolled Skratch in that film class. "What a beautiful way to go," drawled Skratch. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and the Wabbit looked back. "In case nobody can hear you laugh?" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit was not to be outdone. "I went for the science and I stayed for the explosion," he said with a deadpan expression that startled even Skratch. Lapinette laughed. "Take Unut up on her offer, Wabbit." Skratch was all ears. "What offer?" he asked. "World domination," said Lapinette. "Oooohh," said Skratch, "Count me in." "It's not finalised," said the Wabbit. "When will that be?" said Skratch. "After lunch," said the Wabbit.

15. The Wabbit and Unut's Offer

The Wabbit and Lapinette emerged from the pyramid in the Egyptian Museum, to be greeted by Unut, Rabbit Goddess. "Welcome home, my brave rabbits!" she cried, "your trip went without incident?" "Except for the talking bomb," said the Wabbit. "A mere frippery for the likes of you, Commander," said Unut. "Now please introduce me to your beautiful consort." "Marchesa Lapinette," said Lapinette, proffering a paw. The Wabbit cringed because it was far from protocol to shake the paw of a Goddess. But Unut bent down and clasped Lapinette's paw with such warmth that the Wabbit glasses misted. Not to be outdone, he proffered his own and after an initial mix up, the three shook paws vigorously. Unut turned directly to the Wabbit. "Commander, I am again indebted." The Wabbit was cautious, because he thought he knew what was coming. "The pyramid craft is yours if you wish," said Unut. The Wabbit looked stunned and spoke softly. "I rather prefer my jeep." "Whatever you require in your fight for emancipation of the rabbits is yours." Unut smiled. "Well, Commander, what do you need - land, gold, weapons?" "Not necessary in that order," quipped the Wabbit, although it was clear to Lapinette that he hadn’t actually refused. "You only have to ask," said Unut. "The planet will be a safer place in the paws of the rabbits." "I’ll settle for a coffee," said the Wabbit. And the Dark Basement of the Goddesses echoed loudly as they laughed and laughed.

14. The Wabbits seize the Pyramid

The Wabbit kicked the control room door, but it slid open. Music started and they heard Tock the Talking Bomb singing, "Sex bomb, Sex bomb." "We need to be quick," shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit jumped into the pilot’s seat but he and Lapinette looked out on a completely different location from before. Susan the Biplane seemed to have followed them and she buzzed up and down, to attract their attention. A radio on the console crackled.  "I thought you’d never get there. Commander," said Susan. "Good to see you, Susan," said the Wabbit. "Have you seen any escape pods?" "No Sir, but can you do something about the music?" "Please repeat," said the Wabbit, "I can’t hear you for the music." "A song has taken over every station in the city," said Susan. "Sex bomb, Susan," said the Wabbit. "Thank you, Sir," said Susan. "This bomb’s made for lovin’," sang Tock and the music became shrill. "I can take no more," said Lapinette and she hit the lower button. The song faded and there was a deflating sound. Lapinette and the Wabbit grinned. "What about the other button?" asked the Wabbit. "You’re the button expert," said Lapinette. The Wabbit struck the top button a mighty blow. The sound started with a squeal, then a grinding that became a groaning. Gradually, inexorably, the pyramid lifted from the ground and swivelled round. "I can see the Egyptian museum," said the Wabbit. "She’s going home," said Lapinette.

13.The Wabbit and the Search for Control

The Wabbit and Lapinette searched for the control room so that they could move the Pyramid. But the more they searched, the more elusive the control room seemed to be. As they negotiated the complex interior of the structure, the Wabbit speculated. "I don’t know how long Tock will sleep, but I imagine he might decide to detonate soon." "How can we stop him?" said Lapinette. "The way to stop him," stated the Wabbit, "is likely in the control room too." "You’ve been here before," said Lapinette. "Just the once," replied the Wabbit. "I recollect it’s towards the base of the Pyramid." As they reached the bottom of the stairway a metallic voice boomed. "That’s the Alien," said the Wabbit. "It’s just a recording," said Lapinette. "Please go to the control room. All personnel to the control room," said the voice. "I don’t see any personnel," said Lapinette. "Maybe it means us?" said the Wabbit. "We don’t say personnel any more," frowned Lapinette. "We say rabbit resources." The Wabbit smiled. "I think the door is over there to our right." They both hopped forward. "All personnel to control room," called the voice. "All others to escape pods." Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit looked back. "That’s the door!" yelled the Wabbit, "and it's sealed." "So how's your kicking foot?" said Lapinette.