4. The Wabbit's Currency Deal

The Alien Pilot made his way to Pluto Park where Pio Pulcinella waited to convert the Wabbit’s 79 trillion euro, quietly borrowed from the treasury vaults at the Department. As usual, Pluto Park was deserted. No-one there ever looked up, so the asteroid went unnoticed. "You look strange," said the Pilot to the waiting figure. "Which planet are you from?" "Napoli," said Pio. "Is it distant?" asked the Pilot. "Light years," said Pio. "Let’s see the colour of your currency," said the Pilot. Pio flipped the units and they span into the Pilot's waiting hand. "These are Squids," said Pio. "The Semi-Quasi Universal Intergalactic Denomination is fully transferable in participating planets from Andromeda to the Sombrero Galaxy." "Not here?" said the Pilot. "No," said Pio, "This is an unbearably provincial planet, not for the likes of us." "Then I must be off," said the Pilot. Pio waved farewell then paused. "Please drop off the asteroid at Planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb." Pio smiled. "Here’s another 50 Squid for your trouble." The Pilot stuffed his pockets with Squids and turned to go – but he suddenly turned back. "Perhaps I’ll visit your planet some day." He proffered a hand and Pio clasped it firmly. "The Planet Napoli will welcome you with a warm embrace," said Pio. "Does your planet have  a motto? asked the Pilot. "See Napoli and Die," said Pio, "so I wouldn't delay." "I hate delay," said the Pilot hurrying off. 

3. The Wabbit and the Video Link

Skratch the Cat showed the Alien Pilot into a rather sordid-looking viewing theatre in the Via Nizza, locking the door behind him. "Take a seat, the Wabbit will be with you soon." The screen lit up and loudspeakers hissed. "This is a two-way link, Mr Pilot," said the Wabbit in an echoing voice. "You may speak now." The Pilot stared at the screen. "Where’s my money?" he shouted. For a moment the screen flickered. "You made a deal," yelled the Pilot. "I did point you in my direction," lied the Wabbit, "but where is the valuable asteroid real estate?" "Hidden," said the Pilot. "That won't do," said the Wabbit, "because location is everything." "I want cash," said the Pilot. "Life is short and so is money," laughed Skratch. The Pilot looked at him threateningly. "My asteroid is composed of valuable material and I want compensation." "It must be mined," said the Wabbit. "You need a licence," said Skratch" "I want 79 trillion," said the Pilot. "Did I say net or gross?" asked the Wabbit. "You always say gross, Wabbit," advised Skratch helpfully. "Then take it or leave it!" shouted the Wabbit. "Aaaaagh!" scowled the Pilot and he struck a fist on his seat. The Wabbit smiled sickeningly from the screen. "Listen carefully, Pilot. I will pay, but you have to take it to a designated place for conversion - unless you want euro." "I’d rather die," said the Pilot. "I have a licence for that," said the Wabbit.

2. Skratch and the Alien Outfitter

Skratch found the Alien Pilot in a remote spot, because that was the sort of thing he did well – no one knew exactly how. "Do you like your new suit?" asked Skratch, "it’s the best I could find and worth a king’s ransom!" "I hate kings," said the Pilot. "Well, a president then," said Skratch, "it’s all the same in business." "Now look, cat!" said the Pilot, "I want my money and I want it soon." "Well the Wabbit has it for you, safe and sound," said Skratch, "he knew you’d arrive here." "Then where is he?" groaned the Pilot." "Oh, that’s for me to know and you to consider," purred Skratch, "but he’s quite the wheeler-dealer. He knows a good wheel and the right person to appreciate just how round the wheel is." "What do you get out of this?" asked the Pilot suspiciously. "A small fee, nothing much," purred Skratch. "I do it for love really, a kind of hobby." The Pilot snorted. "I hate hobbies!" "Everyone should have a hobby," said Skratch, "you need to get outside yourself, let out your corsets." The Pilot snarled. "I hate ...”  he shouted. " ... corsets!" finished Skratch. "Let’s be on our way. The Wabbit is waiting." "I wouldn’t like to keep that Wabbit waiting," sneered the Pilot. "He can be tetchy," said Skratch, "so we won’t be late." "We don’t have an actual appointment," sighed the Pilot. "Yes, I’m afraid we do," said Skratch. "I hate appointments," said the Pilot.

1. The Wabbit and the Alien News

The Wabbit gazed enthralled at a map he'd borrowed from Susan the Biplane’s cockpit, but not for long. "Commander, you need a different map," said Wabsworth in excitement. "I already know Turin, Wabsworth," murmured the Wabbit. "I need no map." "You don’t know what’s happening!" said Wabsworth, raising his voice. "There’s an alien!" "Any particular alien?" enquired the Wabbit. Wabsworth was aghast. "Four eyes, eight ears, space suit, scowly look!" Lapinette turned to the Wabbit. "You did say the Alien Pilot might pop up anywhere," she said and kicked him under the table. "Here isn’t anywhere!" yelled Skratch. "Here’s here!" The Wabbit thought very long and very hard. And then he spoke. "Good grief," said the Wabbit. "Of all the towns in all the universe, he had to appear in mine!" "We have to find him and quickly," said Lapinette. "Well, he’s looking for us," said the Wabbit, "or more precisely, his money." Lapinette shook a paw. "How much did you tell him the asteroid was worth?" "79 trillion euro," said the Wabbit. "And the rest!" groaned Skratch. "The Wabbit suddenly grinned. "We could pay him the 79 trillion." Lapinette stared. "Kind of," smirked the Wabbit. Lapinette’s eyes shot in the air. "Then we could send him to our special contact who will convert the currency." The Wabbit shook with mirth. "He already fell for that one," said Skratch. "I’m getting to that," laughed the Wabbit. "You’re sinister," said Lapinette. 

10. Wabsworth and Something Curious

Wabsworth, the Wabbit’s android double, was merely hopping through the porticos to pass the time of day when he heard two things. One was the drone of Susan the Biplane bringing the Wabbit home from space. The other was a strange conversation in which the Wabbit was mentioned. Wabsworth shuffled behind a pillar and listened carefully. "I seek a John Kepler," said the Alien Pliot. "Commander Wabbit says he is interested in buying my asteroid." "You’re not a local," said Copernicus, "so just how did you get here?" "One second I was in slipstream drive," said the Pilot, "and the next I was sitting here with you." There was an awkward silence. "I want my money," said the Pilot. "Well you won't get it from Kepler," said Copernicus, "he’s always completely broke." "That Wabbit!" shouted the Pilot. "I never trust them myself," said Copernicus. "Can I interest you in a drink?" "My only interest is is financial," said the Pilot. "I can’t help you there," said Copernicus, "but might I enquire exactly what is an asteroid?" "Usually, it’s a body that orbits elliptically around a planet." "Heavens," said Copernicus and lifted his drink. "I know all about that, so here’s to revolutions!" He drained his drink and called for another. "That Wabbit is here," muttered the Pilot, "I can feel it in my conduits." Copernicus shook his head, then pointed. "I’m unfamiliar with Turin, but look! Isn’t that a wabbit over there?" But Wabsworth had gone.  

9. The Wabbit & the Peaceful Blue Planet

Susan the Biplane dropped out of slipstream and the Wabbit looked down. "Africa!" said the Wabbit. "Soon be home, Sir," said Susan, "perhaps there’s a Welcoming Committee." "Carrot aperitivi all round," murmured the Wabbit. Susan banked suddenly but the Wabbit kept his eyes on the blue planet. "It looks so peaceful from up here," he said. The radio crackled noisily. "Commander Wabbit, this is Wabbit Control, over." "Commander Wabbit receiving you loud and clear. Pleased to be back, over." smiled the Wabbit. "Report for a debriefing," said Control, "and leave that meteorite with the Lab." The Wabbit scowled and he pretended to make static sounds. "Control, I didn’t quite ... crick, whoosh, crackle." The Wabbit switched the radio off.  "Atmospherics, what can you do?" "Did you want to keep the meteorite, Sir?" "Yes, it might come in handy," said the Wabbit. "What for, Sir?" said Susan. "I haven’t the faintest idea," said the Wabbit, yawning. "We’ll be a while, Sir," stated Susan, "would you like a nap?" "Yes I am feeling sleepy," said the Wabbit and he snuggled down in the cockpit. "Where would you like to wake up, Sir?" said Susan. The Wabbit’s voice was quiet. "On a beach," he murmured. “And who would you like beside you?" Susan could hardly hear his reply but she thought she heard him say, "Lovely Lapincroft." The Wabbit was fast asleep. 

8. The Wabbit and the Silence of Tractors

Back with Susan the Biplane, the Wabbit engaged the tractor beam and locked it to the Alien Pilot’s asteroid. "I wish I could hear the tractor beam," said the Wabbit. "There’s no sound in space, Sir," answered Susan. "Oh, I know - isn’t it a pest!" said the Wabbit. Silently, the tractor beam pulled the asteroid across space and then, when it reached the Wabbit’s coordinates, reversed thrust. Now powered by Susan’s quantum engines, the asteroid glowed blue in the slipstream tunnel  - and it shimmered as it headed for Andromeda and Planet OGLE TR 56B. The Wabbit watched for a while and then he murmured, "Cut the slipstream drive, Susan." "Sir?" queried Susan. "That’s an order Susan," snapped the Wabbit and he looked into deep space. He could just make out the smallest of blips on the event horizon as Susan terminated the drive. A silence fell as Susan programmed coordinates for home. "Sir?" she asked. "Yes," said the Wabbit. "There is no firm of Kepler, Copernicus and Brahe, Sir." The Wabbit grinned. "I made it up!" "That was fibbing sir," responded Susan. "It’s in my job description," said the Wabbit, shaking his head at the thought of his annual review. Susan persisted. "What will happen to the Pilot?" "He’ll pop up somewhere," shrugged the Wabbit. "Won’t his employers be looking for their property?" asked Susan. "I suppose they will," laughed the Wabbit. "Well now they’ll be looking for us," said Susan.

7. The Wabbit & the Spiders from Mars

The Wabbit rose and hopped rapidly from the bridge. "I won’t mess with the red spiders from Mars," he said, shaking his head. Outside, Marshall Duetta Spyder and her cohorts began to weigh heavily on the structure and the Pilot’s craft shook violently. Interior lights dimmed as more and more spiders clung to the fuselage. The Wabbit looked back alarmed. "They’ll asset-strip your asteroid until there’s hardly a spare quark left," he hissed. "So I’m off while I still have fur. Stay if you like." "Stop!" shouted the Pilot. The Wabbit hesitated and stared steadily. "About that trade?" grimaced the Pilot. "We'll see, but it's difficult now," muttered the Wabbit. "You really shouldn’t have waited."  "Don’t leave me to these spiders," said the Pilot, "I hate spiders." The Wabbit considered, then appeared to come to a decision. "Just give me time to get back to my craft and we’ll fix you in our tractor beam." "Then?" asked the Pilot. "Slipstream drive to the Planet Ogle -you'll be there in a trice." "Where’s Ogle?" said the Pilot. "Ogle-TR-56b," said the Wabbit.  "John Kepler of Kepler, Copernicus and Brahe will meet you." The Pilot gazed at the spiders and shifted uncomfortably. "How will I know this Kepler?" "Have no fear," said the Wabbit, "he’ll keep an eye open for you." 

6. The Wabbit & the Value of Asteroids

The Wabbit took a seat. "You might know who I am, Pilot," he said, "but you don't know what you’ve got." The Pilot shook his head and the Wabbit winked. "How much are you paid?" he asked, baldly. "Not enough to deal with the likes of you," said the Pilot. The Wabbit laughed. "You’re sitting on a desirable piece of real estate." "It’s just an asteroid," sighed the Pilot. The Wabbit laughed again in a particularly irritating laugh that he kept for special occasions. "It’s worth 79 trillion of our euro coins." With a flick of his paw, the Wabbit produced a sparkling meteorite and thrust it under the nose of the Pilot. "This chunk flew off when we arrived," he smiled. "But since you don’t value it, I’ll just keep it in my fur." The Wabbit tucked it away. The Pilot was silent for some time and then he snarled. "And how would I realise my asset?" "I have contacts," said the Wabbit. The Pilot blinked with four eyes. "How do I find them?" "We’ll send you in our slipstream drive using a reverse tractor beam," said the Wabbit, "then my trader will pay you handsomely for your bijou M-class asteroid." The Pilot began to shake his head. "I don’t like the sound of it," he grunted. "Take it or leave it," drawled the Wabbit, "but you’ll be sorry." "Oh do me a favour," scoffed the Pilot. "I’ve heard of you and your rabbit tricks." The Wabbit fidgeted, then abruptly looked up with a look of horror. "No!" he exclaimed. "Look over there!" 

5. The Wabbit and the Alien Pilot

The Wabbit hopped to the structure and gazed inside. "Hullo!" he said in the worst Glasgow accent he could do. "Would yez spare a wee tate aviation fuel for a wee bit rabbit?" "I hate rabbits," said The Pilot. "Ach, ah know what ye mean," said the Wabbit and he waved a paw. "No animosity, by the way." "What do you really want?" said the Pilot. "Company," said the Wabbit thinking on his feet. "The time of day, a wee bit craic." "Go away," said the Pilot. A silence fell, only to be interrupted by the Wabbit. "Are ye up for a gala dinner?" "I hate gala dinners," said the Pilot, "so be off with you. I must coalesce with the Planet Earth shortly." "Planet Earth?" said the Wabbit. "Surely not?" "Why not?" asked the Pilot. "Awful place," said the Wabbit. "I wouldnae go there if it was the last place in the Universe." "Continue," said the Pilot. "The place is used up," said the Wabbit, "It’s a weed awa’. Nasty clarty planet!" The Pilot’s eyes flickered. "I will complete my task." "Think better of it," said the Wabbit. There was a pause while the Pilot made an adjustment to his intercom. The Wabbit was impatient and knocked loudly. "There’s a better place than Earth!" he shouted. "Where?" asked the Pilot. "Uranus," smiled the Wabbit. The Pilot suddenly turned. "I hate Uranus!" "Och!" said the Wabbit. The Pilot scowled. "And I know who you are, Commander Wabbit ..."

4. The Drunken Rabbit Manoeuvre

Susan the Biplane closed on the asteroid and orbited for a closer look. "Whoa! That looks unusual," said the Wabbit. "What sort of creature lives in a house like that?" Susan continued her orbit." I think I can make out detail, Sir." The Wabbit stared at the structure. "We’d better investigate," he said finally. "Do you want me to land, Sir?" asked Susan. "Hang on Susan, Let’s give a false impression, just to be on the safe side." Susan orbited again. "You trained at Wabbit Air Arm?" asked the Wabbit." "I did, Sir." "Then you know the manoeuvre called the Drunken Rabbit?" "Yes Sir, but it’s reserved for senior officers and reckless students." "Drunken Rabbit, that’s an order!" hissed the Wabbit. Susan threw herself high and dived straight down. "Stall! stall! stall!" yelled the Wabbit with glee. "Bank angle! Bank angle!" yelled Susan and she calmly twisted sideways and spiralled towards the ground. "Perhaps you'd like the controls, Sir," gasped Susan. "I certainly would," said the Wabbit. Snow loomed white as the Wabbit headed for the largest drift he could see. Then he lifted Susan's nose, climbed, levelled and flew six metres from the surface, barely missing the strange structure. "Brr, it’s cold," said the Wabbit, propelling the plane upwards. "I saw a shape," said Susan. "Someone’s in," said the Wabbit. "Make 'em think we’re really stupid." The air screw whined and blasted snow to all sides as Susan hurtled straight into a snowdrift.

3.The Wabbit and the Rogue Asteroid

"Where is it?" asked the Wabbit. "My coordinates say it should be here." "Behind you Sir," said Susan the Biplane. "Oh," said the Wabbit. "Creepy thing." The Wabbit had a think about what to do and he hung from the biplane and pondered. "What do asteroids usually do?" he thought. "Asteroids are minor planets orbiting around celestial bodies," said Susan. "Why does everyone know what I’m thinking!" snapped the Wabbit. "Independent thought, Commander," said Susan, diplomatically. "Well, this one isn’t orbiting. It has a definite trajectory. It's almost as if it has a mind of its own," growled the Wabbit. "Sometimes they seem to," said Susan, "but technically it’s just a lump of rock." "Maybe." The Wabbit hummed a tune. "You can knock be-bop and you can knock swing. Say what you want about any old thing." "Commander?" said Susan. "But don't knock the rock," said the Wabbit. Susan wheeled and now that he was the right way round, the Wabbit looked properly. The asteroid was big, rugged and mean. "It's getting bigger,  we’re in its way," suggested the Wabbit. "Do you have visiting cards?" asked Susan. The Wabbit laughed. "Yes, they say 'The Wabbit called but you were out. Please ensure you are in the next time.'" "Perfect" said Susan and she orbited around the asteroid. "There’s a landing place!" pointed the Wabbit.

2. When the Wabbit met Susan

"Here we go again," said the Wabbit. Then as an afterthought. "How are you feeling, Susan?" "Bristol fashion Sir!" said Susan the Biplane eagerly. The Wabbit let some time elapse. "Your first mission, Cadet?" he murmured. "Raring to go, Sir," said Susan. The Wabbit waited a long time and then barked suddenly "List specifications, Cadet!" "Bio-atmosphere, gravity field, shield and stealth cloak." "What about quantum slipstream drive?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes Sir, sorry Sir," said Susan. The Wabbit relaxed in his seat and dangled a paw out of the cockpit. "How fast is it?" "It's 9.999945, Sir." The Wabbit pretended to consider coordinates. Then he said in a low voice. "Any reprimands on your record, Cadet?" "One, Sir!" replied Susan. The Wabbit leaned back. "I landed on a motorbike race, Sir." The Wabbit hid a smile. "What happened Cadet?" "I won Sir," said Susan. There was a long pause. "I’ve considered the matter," said the Wabbit. "Yes Sir," said Susan mournfully. "You’re promoted to Captain. Now remind me, what will that slipstream drive do?  "It’s still 9.999945 Sir," "Then go for 10," said the Wabbit, “we're hunting asteroids!" "Knock knock," said Susan confidently. "Who’s there?" smiled the Wabbit. "Nasty," said Susan." "Nasty who?" sighed the Rabbit. "Nastyroid!"  yelled Susan. There was a lurch and the Wabbit’s ears flattened as the little biplane dived into a sub space tunnel.

1. The Wabbit & the Impossible Mission

The Wabbit responded to Lapinette's invitation to meet him in a secret location near the railway station. "We’ve had alarming news," said Lapinette. "Alarming," repeated the Wabbit, striking the fuselage of an old plane. "Yes it is!" sighed Lapinette." "I see," murmured the Wabbit, "so why did you invite me to this draughty hangar?" Lapinette hopped slightly. "An asteroid is on a collision course with earth and it's heading straight for Turin." "Turin," mused the Wabbit and he silently continued to investigate the plane. "You have to stop it," yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit fidgeted. "I don’t do asteroids," he said. "You do now," said Lapinette, "because no one else will." A silence fell. "This asteroid," said the Wabbit suddenly. "What’s its name?" "Fred!" snapped Lapinette. The Wabbit looked up. "That’s different, I changed my mind," he said. "How will I get to it?" Lapinette drew herself up to her full height. "This," she stated firmly, "is your plane." The Wabbit looked all round. He tapped the fuselage and it made a hollow, wooden sound. "I can’t go into space in this," he announced.  "It’s all we could find at short notice," said Lapinette. The Wabbit kicked a tyre and pointed at the plane. "I can’t remember its name," he said. "Susan!" yelled Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened. "Oh all right," he decided. "But is Susan pressurised?" "I don’t know anything about her feelings," growled Lapinette. 

The Wabbit in the Old Abandoned City

The Wabbit had no luck finding the hole in the fabric of time that brought Cicero and the Agents of Rabit from ancient Rome. So they retired to the Old Abandoned City for a chat. "You’ll have to stay with us," said the Wabbit. "Oh no, I must get back - there’s much to do," said Cicero."There’s much to do here," replied the Wabbit. "The Department could use a good lawyer and an orator to boot." "Do what sort of things?" asked Cicero. "The Rights of Rabbits for one," said the Wabbit. "Then there’s the matter of public relations." "There was a silence and Cicero looked thoughtful.  "I’m not sure I quite mastered that one." The Wabbit winced. "It’s better you don’t go back anyway." Cicero looked with enquiry. "It’s not hard to foretell the past," stated the Wabbit. "Maybe you’re right," said Cicero, "I made many enemies." The Wabbit smiled and shrugged. "They didn’t fare too well." "What of Mark Anthony?" queried Cicero. The Wabbit made a vicious movement across his neck. "By his own paw," he said gravely. "I think I'll stay," said Cicero, "what’s my first job?" "Write me a speech along the following lines," said the Wabbit pondering for a moment. "I shall not rest until all world rabbits are united and achieve full emancipation. We shall suffer rabbit exclusion no longer." Cicero sighed. "I’ll see what I can do."