2. The Dragon Swoops Down

It would be true to say that Cicero, philosopher and lawyer, didn’t know what hit him. He tried to throw a couple of rocks but he flailed as Terni the Dragon came hurtling from the sky. "Dragon One to Wabbit. I have Cicero on visual. Over." Terni dived straight at Cicero and feinted right, spiralled up, then made another pass. "He’s out of rocks, shall I apprehend him?" Terni’s radio crackled and the Wabbit spoke. "What do you mean he’s out of socks?" "Your radio need new batteries, Commander," said Terni. "Detain him until our arrival," said the Wabbit. "How long will you be?" said Dragon. The radio coughed and spluttered but Terni couldn’t hear a word. "I’ll have to keep Cicero talking," thought Terni and he swooped down. Cicero trembled. "Are you going to eat me?" Terni fluttered his cabbage wings. "I’m vegetarian," he said. "Are you then in league with the rabbits?" "What league are we talking about?" said Terni. "They took my stone," said Cicero and they will use it for evil beyond belief." "I don’t like the sound of that one bit," said Terni, "but since we’re here and we have to wait, fill me in." "I am not ashamed to confess I am ignorant of what I do not know," said Cicero. "Yet I do know this. They are large and strong and chatter with terrible teeth." I’ve heard the Commander speak of them," said Terni. "The Commander?" asked Cicero. "The Commander will help you get your stone," said Terni. "Why?" said Cicero. "He gets bored," smiled Terni. 

1. The Wabbit and Philosophers Rocks

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette arrived in Rome well ahead of the rest and immediately found themselves in the thick of the action. "There he is!" yelled Lapinette. "Look out!" shouted the Wabbit as a missile whistled past their heads. "Hey you!" called the Wabbit as another rock came crashing his way. "Do knock it off!" "I know that guy," said Lapinette. "Personally?" asked the Wabbit, dodging again. "I know of him, he’s a philosopher." "Philosophers don’t throw rocks," shouted the Wabbit, "they sit and think." "His name's Cicero!" shouted Lapinette. "Kicker-oh is right!" raged the Wabbit looking round for a loose cobble. "He’s a menace." "Where’s my stone?" shouted Cicero. "Give me back my stone!" The Wabbit threw a small cobble and the man disappeared round a corner. Lapinette scowled and kicked the Wabbit in the shins. "Now we have to chase him." "He won’t get far," said the Wabbit, reaching in his fur for his walkie talkie. "All personnel, man in white possibly Cicero, heading your way." The radio crackled. "Watch out for big rocks," shouted the Wabbit, The radio crackled again. "No not socks!" he yelled, thumping the radio with his paw. Lapinette nudged the Wabbit. "Cicero says it’s better to receive than inflict an injury."  The Wabbit’ eyes went wide then met in the middle. "And the philosopher's stone turns lead into gold," she added. "That’ll come in handy," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit at the pre Xmas Caffè

"What are we having?" said Skratch. "Not spam!" said the Wabbit. "Apparently spam is completely off all the menus," chuckled Lapinette. "Yes, you can’t get that stuff no more," sang Wabsworth. "What will we have then?" grinned the Wabbit. "Pre-Christmas food of course," said Lapinette. "That reminds me," said the Wabbit, "we must leave for Rome tomorrow." "Have you heard something?" asked Lapinette in surprise. "I have," said the Wabbit. "I had word from Food Dragon that someone in white is going around throwing rocks at people." "Socks?" asked Skratch. Everyone laughed. "Rocks aren’t usually our territory," said Lapinette. "These are special rocks that make people feel funny," murmured the Wabbit. Wabsworth, the Wabbit’s android double smirked. "Funny ha ha?" he asked. "Funny peculiar!" responded the Wabbit.  "I’ll ask what the Cats of Rome have seen," said Skratch. The Wabbit nodded and turned to Wabsworth. "Wabsworth, round up the gang and tell them this is a WabCom 1 alert." "I need to eat," said Wabsworth. "Tell them tomorrow," said the Wabbit. "In the meantime we need to replenish our batteries." "My tradition is to eat fish before Christmas," smiled Skratch. "Zucchine flowers to start," said Lapinette. "Shoots and leaves for me," said the Wabbit. "Eats shoots and leaves?" enquired Lapinette archly. "That reminds me," said the Wabbit. "We will all need our automatics."

9. The Wabbit & Prisoners from Spam

Skratch observed the whole thing from a suitable vantage point and for once, felt like a feline cat. His ears pricked and swivelled from the Wabbit to Duetta and the spiders. "Oh here’s his Wabbitness," whispered a spider. "Salute your superior officer, or I’ll dismember your limbs," snapped Duetta. The spiders cringed back and made wavy signs at the Wabbit. Skratch gazed as the Wabbit returned the salutes. Then Duetta bowed to the Wabbit. "You first," she said, nodding towards the unfortunate spam. The Wabbit's voice boomed, "Spam, give us the names and addresses of all your sources!" "You so need a bigger pen," said a pointy spam. The Wabbit sighed and nodded to Duetta. "From whence did you come?" she snarled. "24 hour online pharmacy," said the spam. There was a strained silence and Skratch watched in awe as Duetta shrugged. Her head turned to the Wabbit and for just an instant their eyes met equally, then blinked. "You may as well eat them," said the Wabbit. Duetta shuddered. "I hate the taste of spam," she said. "Oh, go on, go on," smiled the Wabbit, rummaging in his fur for a jar of brown sauce. "Not even with peanut butter," scowled Duetta, "perhaps may I call you Wabbit?" "OK, Marshall Duetta Spyder," grinned the Wabbit. "My brigade is at your command, Commander," said Duetta silkily. Only Skratch noticed the Wabbit’s look of surprise. But the Wabbit's voice was calm. "And from me in return?" "Leadership," replied Duetta.

8. The Wabbit & Duetta's Digital Filter

Connected to Turbina the Jet Car’s on-board computer, Duetta created a digital filter across the roof of the Great Spiral Ramp - and they all watched as the pointy spam drew close. Some of the spam was huge, but the filter held and one by one they stuck fast. All except for a single spam. "A blighter got through," shouted the Wabbit. Duetta snarled a command to a confederate. "Round it up and hold it for questioning!" Up on the ramp, Lapinette and Wabsworth watched a Red Spider clinically capture the spam and inject it with venom. "I said hold it for questioning, not eat it," shouted Duetta. Skratch looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit raised his eyes skywards as the Red Spiders detained any spam that somehow made it through. "I wouldn’t like to be spam today," said Skratch. "No, there’s a nip in the air," said the Wabbit looking across to Turbina. "My computer is at the limit of its capacity," she said, "and I’m trying to keep Duetta out of my database." "Cut her off," said the Wabbit, "her job is done." The filter froze in place with its cargo of trapped spam and the Red Spiders clicked and hissed in satisfaction. Then there was silence. Lapinette was speaking in Wabsworth’s ear but in the still her whisper was a shout. "Is the spam dead, Wabsworth?" "I’m not sure how sentient they were," replied Wabsworth. "They’re dead but not as we know it." "Hey Wabbit!" said Skratch. The Wabbit turned and Skratch mimed a camera. "If I saw this in the movies, I wouldn’t believe it!"

7. The Wabbit & Duetta the Red Spider

Skratch and the Wabbit emerged as Turbina screeched into the square with reinforcements. But the only way to look was up. Suddenly time froze as they were drenched in a violent light. "I can only keep them out for a short while," hissed Duetta. Skratch scratched his head. "I thought she was the last of the Red Spiders." "Look what thought did," grimaced the Wabbit. "You have five minutes to come up with a plan, Commander," said Duetta. "If the pointy spam break though my force field, they’ll torment us to death." "We need a spam filter," said the Wabbit. Duetta lost no time. "What about a digital filter with a cascaded series of second-order biquad sections?"  The Wabbit didn’t turn a hair. "Make it so," he barked. Lapinette nudged Wabsworth. "He’s very strict with Duetta." Turbina laughed. "He’d better be in charge of her, or she’ll be the boss of him." Lapinette looked at Turbina's dashboard curiously. "File number X3705 offers a complete dossier on the activities of the Red Spiders," she said, "but it’s restricted." "To who?" asked Wabsworth, making the sound of an owl. "Me!" snapped Turbina. "Turbina!" called the Wabbit. "Duetta needs to access your on-board computer." "Over my dead battery," said Turbina. "Then we’re all doomed," said the Wabbit. "It'll cost you new tyres," said Turbina. "OK," growled the Wabbit. "And a salad sandwich," said Turbina.

6. The Wabbit and a Favour for Spam

Suddenly a vast swarm of spam wheeled towards Skratch and the Wabbit. "Pointy spam!" shouted Skratch. "Run!" shouted the Wabbit and they fled into the building and down a staircase. But the staircase began to warp as the spam swarmed down. A menacing sound split the air and Skratch bellowed above it. "Do you have any favours to call in?" "I don’t want to call one in!" yelled the Wabbit. "Aaagh. Why not?" screeched Skratch. "Then I'd be even," gasped the Wabbit. "Even is good," shouted Skratch as a pointy spam grazed his ear. "I like to be uphill of even," rasped the Wabbit, hopping rapidly down the bending stairs. "We don’t have a choice," screamed Skratch. "Choice" echoed and echoed above the wail of the spiky spam. The Wabbit pulled his walkie talkie from his fur and yelled, "Wabsworth, Patch her through!" "Are you certain commander?" "Patch! Her! Through!" growled the Wabbit as a spiky spam hurtled between his legs. The radio whined. "Commander, I told you so," said the silky voice of Duetta, the Red Spider. The Wabbit didn’t have a clue what she meant. "We need your help," muttered the Wabbit. "I can't hear you," sang Duetta. "We need your help," screamed the Wabbit. "I’ll be right over," said Duetta. The radio went dead and Skratch glanced at the Wabbit. "Whats up, Doc?" he shouted. "We’re going to get techie," said the Wabbit.

5. Wabsworth and the Flavour of Spam

The Wabbit’s android double, Wabsworth, was working undercover selling ice cream when Lapinette came hopping through the porticos. "Hello Wabsworth," she smiled, "any news from the front?" "Nothing but spam on the wire," said Wabsworth. "But I’m sure the Commander is on the tippety-top of things." Lapinette raised both eyebrows. "He’ll track the spammers down, Spaminette," said Wabsworth in a soothing tone, "so don’t you worry." "Well, I’ll just have an ice cream while I’m waiting," said Lapinette. "I’ll have artichoke flavour please." Wabsworth frowned.  "I’m sorry, I’ve only got ..." " Spam," groaned Lapinette.  "It’s not just spam," said Wabsworth, "It's succulent, dried spam, sweated in the heat of the midday sun." "What about the flies?" said Lapinette. "They’re extra," said Wabsworth, Lapinette hopped from one foot to another. "What else?" she snapped. "OK, I have sweet chili spam," said Wabsworth. "Grrr," said Lapinette. "Or there’s goatball spam, or pongy onion and garlic spam." "I have a meeting to go to," yelled Lapinette and she stamped her foot crossly and sighed. "I’m fed up with spam, Spamsworth. "I could sprinkle spamsamic vinegar on the top," said Wabsworth. "I don’t like spam, I don’t want spam," yelled Lapinette, "and the sooner Skratch and the Wabbit get to the bottom of the spam, the better I will like it." Suddenly there was a hissing sound. Wabsworth’s ears pricked up and he glanced sideways at his walkie talkie. "Now that sounds like news on the shortwave band," he grinned.

4. The Wabbit and Combination Spam

Tracking the shortwave spam signal, Skratch and the Wabbit drove stealthily up to a strange building. "There's been a sudden demand for maps?" commented Skratch. "What on earth is that?" muttered the Wabbit, pointing to the objects sailing through the air. "It’s combination spam, Commander," said Turbina the Jet Car. "It’s particularly dangerous, so don’t get too close. And whatever you do, don’t eat any." The Wabbit screwed up his eyes and tried to read the messages, but he was too far away. "Use your special glasses, Wabbit," said Turbina. They all waited for an age while the Wabbit’s head movements suggested he was reading. "Hmm, yes I see," said the Wabbit. "I can help a widow in the third world and I will receive 3 billion euro," "Ha ha ha," laughed Skratch. "No, no," said the Wabbit. "All I have to do is send my bank details." "Anything else?" sighed Turbina. "Yes," said the Wabbit. "I may avail of a Rolex Submariner watch for a miserly sum." "They’re cheesy imitations," said Skratch, who had a real one. "Well what about this?" asked the Wabbit. "That mail there says that my pen is too small and that I can easily make my existing pen bigger." Turbina groaned but Skratch chuckled. "I have a perfectly good pen in my fur," continued the Wabbit, rummaging a bit. "In fact, I have three in case the other two don’t work." "Look Wabbit, they want you to buy pills," said Skratch. "Pills won’t make my pen any bigger," said the Wabbit. "I think it works with fountain pens," said Turbina.

3. The Wabbit and the Short Wave Dial

Turbina the Jet Car turned onto Corso Svizzera. The Wabbit felt that was a good place to look for the source of the spam invasion - and both he and Skratch glanced to right and left in search of a clue, without success. "Where would it all start?" murmured the Wabbit, "it has to come from somewhere" "It doesn’t sound like any of our enemies," purred Skratch. "No, it’s not their meat and two veg," said the Wabbit, "this is highly invidious." "And insidious," added Skratch. "Enough of the big words and more action, boys," said Turbina. "What about some sounds, Turbina?" asked Skratch. "I would oblige," said Turbina, "but I’m swamped with static. There’s nothing on the air." The radio crackled and whined and whistled. "Try Short Wave," suggested the Wabbit. "But there was only a quiet hissing sound. "Try 19000 kiloHertz," said the Wabbit. Suddenly Lapinette’s voice broke through. "This is the Voice of the Department of Wabbit Affairs," she said solemnly. There was a pinging sound and after a very a long pause, Lapinette’s  voice spoke again. "This is the Voice of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." Then the ping pinged again. "I’m not sure how long I can take this," said Turbina. Skratch shook his head. "Well, it’s not spam," chortled the Wabbit. "Just run through the dial, Turbina." There were a few squeaks and squawks and then they all froze. "Spam spam spam. Poing! Spam spam spam. Poing!  Spam spam spam. Poing!" Can you get a fix on that, Turbina? said Skratch. "I can," said Turbina. "Silent approach," said the Wabbit. 

2. The Wabbit and 50 shades of Spam

The Wabbit was at Feltrinelli’s bookshop in the railway station to research spam, when Skratch hove into sight. "Hello Spamch, you're just the fellow I want to see," called the Wabbit. "Hello Spambit, I had some trouble getting here," said Skratch. "My tram was full of spam." "It’s everywhere. And it’s getting worse," said the Wabbit. "The Department wants us to investigate." "I’m hardly surprised," said Skratch. "Did you see these mothers pushing their spam?" The Wabbit looked aghast. "It’s horrifying," he said. "When I catch the spam artist responsible for this, I’ll make him eat all the spam in the city." "I'll hold him down," said Skratch. They both nodded in agreement. "So where do we start?" asked Skratch. "Where does spam come from?" "Somewhere obvious," said the Wabbit. "Somewhere we wouldn’t think of," added Skratch. "Right under our noses," said the Wabbit and his nose twitched several times. "I can smell it already," said Skratch.  "Turbina the Jet Car has just been serviced. We could cruise around," said the Wabbit. "We’ll look into every nook and cranny. "I’m with you," said Skratch. "But let’s sit down and make a plan. May I offer you a spametivo?" "It’s all you can get," sighed the Wabbit. 

1. The Wabbit and Unbearable Spam

The Wabbit leaned forward to speak to Lapinette. "Are you sure she’s been serviced properly?" he asked. "Of course I have," said Turbina the Jet Car, "I suppose you want me to take you to Rome?" "I didn’t say anything about Rome," said the Wabbit. "I know what you’re thinking," replied Turbina. "Oh why don’t you two get a garage or something?" said Lapinette huffily and she wiped the remains of a salad sandwich from the dashboard. "Look Wabbit, your dinner’s here from last time." "That’s mine!" said Turbina, so please leave it in the glove compartment." Lapinette slammed the compartment shut. "Wabbit, there’s another mission coming up." The Wabbit brightened and leaned through Turbina's window. "The Department has been receiving an unbearable amount of spam," said Lapinette. "It's arriving every day. No-one can move for spam." "What’s spam, remind me?" asked the Wabbit. "Is it that that food that comes in a can?" Lapinette sighed. "Because I can never open these things," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed again. "Well, the opener goes all the way round until nearly the end," said the Wabbit, "and then it comes off and hurts my paw." Lapinette glared at the Wabbit. "Spam is unsolicited e-mail. It’s clogging up departmental bureaucracy." The Wabbit’s eyes sparkled with delight. "I do hope it hasn’t delayed my departmental evaluation." Lapinette shook her head. "That's scheduled as usual," she smiled. "I have an urgent priority appointment in Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit & the Goddess Debriefing

The Wabbit suddenly found himself in the Dark Basement of the Goddesses and he was indeed in his own fur. So he shrank back as Unut bore down on him. "Commander!" said Unut. "Your Goddess Highness-in-charge," trembled the Wabbit. "What was that for a sort of mission?" asked Unut. The Wabbit was silent. "I will tell you," said Unut. "First there was the rabble rousing rally." "Yes," acknowledged the Wabbit. "Then came the show-off pyrotechnics," growled Unut. "Mmm," said the Wabbit. "And after that, there was the sarcastic sermon," sighed Unut. "I suppose so," muttered the Wabbit. Suddenly, Unut leaned back and smiled a broad smile. The Wabbit looked up hopefully. "Skratch the Cat Burglar was exemplary in every department and conducted himself with aplomb," she said. "Oh yes?" brightened the Wabbit as Unut continued. "And for this reason, Bastet, Cat Goddess is extremely pleased. "Oh everything’s fine then?" said the Wabbit. "Everything’s finally fine," said Unut. "So may I offer you a coffee?" "A mug for me," gasped the Wabbit. "This turn of events is fortunate, my Emissary," said Unut, "because otherwise I would now owe you two whole favours." The Wabbit raised a querulous eye at Unut’s striking frame as she continued. "But Bastet now owes a Goddess favour to Skratch the Cat, "so I only owe you one and a half favours." The Wabbit was relieved. "I’ll have the half favour now," he grinned. It was Unut’s turn to raise an eye. "I’ll take another pot of that coffee," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's between-adventures Lunch

The three met for a celebration lunch just round the comer from Largo di Torre Argentina, where the Wabbit had a special arrangement with a popular restaurant. "Well hello li’l lady," said Skratch. "John Wayne!” said Lapinette, waving a paw. Skratch swaggered. "Talk low, talk slow and don’t say too much," he drawled. "What happened to the Normots?" asked Lapinette. "They’re helping the cats," said the Wabbit. "Feeding them and cleaning out their quarters?" suggested Lapinette. "No, they’re raising funds on a Fun Run," confessed the Wabbit. Lapinette hopped up and down. "It will keep them off the streets," she giggled. They all laughed but it couldn’t cover the sound of the Wabbit’s stomach grumbling. "Carciofi alla giudia for me!" cried Lapinette. "I think I’ll have ricotta cheesecake," said Skratch. "Vellutata di funghi," murmured the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "Are you going to show off your dialect skills?" she asked and nudged Skratch. "Mi a gh'eva, ti at gh'evi, lu al gheva," said the Wabbit. "That sounds like a conjugation," laughed Lapinette.  "It always worked for me," said the Wabbit. "But it doesn’t get my artichokes," said Lapinette and she pointed accusingly. "In that adventure, you were the Bad Tempered Emissary of the Gods!" The Wabbit cringed because he had quite forgotten that it was the Rabbit Goddess who had sent him on mission - but Lapinette hadn’t. "I wouldn’t like to be in your fur when you next meet Unut," she said. "Neither would I," murmured the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit takes the Surrender

The Wabbit addressed the two Normot delegates who had been pushed to the front. "Please sign the terms of surrender and return them to me." The Normots shivered in the water. "Sign!" growled the Wabbit. "Are you going to kill us?" asked the first Normot. "I’m a rabbit not a monster," smiled the Wabbit. "It says on the television that we shouldn’t sign things," they said together. The Wabbit grinned. "I was on television," he said and he flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his coat. "I was on Island of the Famous." Both Normots looked in awe and their mouths dropped open. "I want to touch your fur," said the second Normot. "That would be a start," replied the Wabbit. The Normots looked blank for a long time and the Wabbit hopped up and down. "You must love the cats," he hissed. "But they’re inappropriately sited," said the first Normot. "They poo," said the other. "Embrace chaos and love the cats," said the Wabbit. There was silence. "Repeat after me, “We embrace chaos and we love the cats”," shouted the Wabbit and he stamped his foot. "I don’t know how," moaned the second Normot. "Chaos was on the Discovery Channel," advised the Wabbit. The Normots looked at each other and nodded vigorously, again and again. "Then we’ll try," they shouted. "We embrace chaos!" "You see how easy it was," smiled the Wabbit with a wicked grin. "Yes!" they cried with delight. "We don’t mind cat poo now and we’ll pick it up and eat it." The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "This isn’t Bear Grylls," he sighed, "and they’re felines not lagomorphs."