The Wabbit over Turin

"Are you sure this thing's safe?" yelled the Wabbit and his 28 teeth chattered in the wind. "I was assured it was," shouted Lapinette. "By who?" screamed the Wabbit. "Skratch!" shouted Lapinette. The Wabbit flicked his eyes upwards to the hot air balloon and then out over the rooftops. "Oooh." he said as a geometric black shape appeared and hairy tendrils snaked out to connect with the balloon and several points on the city. "The last of the Red Spiders!" roared Lapinette and she gazed entranced as Duetta span a series of fractal webs across the skyline. It wasn't a moment too soon. The Wabbit pointed to a swarm of ferocious wasp-like insects flying rapidly in from behind the Turin Hills. Even from far away he could see their vicious stinging tails and he gave an involuntary shudder. The formation dived sharply but just as they seemed to be upon the allies, Duetta tightened her ties. The web changed shape and somehow became a living thing with a mind. It reached out to trap the wasps and the insects threshed as they became hopelessly enmeshed. They tried to struggle of course, but it was all for nothing. Gradually their threshing died away and they lay inert in the sinewy tendrils of the fractal web. "That was quick," said the Wabbit, "we can go down now." Lapinette shook her head and pointed. "Look over there!" she cried and the Wabbit looked to the right. There, flying over the Alps were three large formations of wasps, all of them much larger than the ones they had trapped so easily. "We need reinforcements," muttered the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the great Leap

The three raced across the city at high speed, the Wabbit and Lapinette loping quickly to keep up with the rapid scuttle of Duetta - who made straight for the highest place in the city, the Mole Antonelliana. The Wabbit looked on as Duetta positioned herself on the side of a nearby building and then made the most surprising leap the Wabbit had ever seen. "Good grief!" said the Wabbit. It had been some time since the Wabbit had made his own surprising leap, which was from the the tip of this very building and it was out rather than up. "No helichopper required this time," muttered the Wabbit, "just look at her go." "Come on Wabbit, we need to fulfil our part of the mission," said Lapinette. "Where did you find our transport?" asked the Wabbit. "I pulled in some favours," said Lapinette. The Wabbit smiled because he was usually the one to acquire things in an unorthodox fashion. "How many lunches?" queried the Wabbit. "I don't know what you mean!" replied Lapinette. "How many did it cost you?" repeated the Wabbit. They both paused to watch Duetta land on the top of the spire. "A Gala Dinner," said Lapinette finally. The Wabbit suppressed a snort. "Am I invited?" he asked. Lapinette thought for a while. "As long as you don't make bad jokes at the wrong time," she said. "I seldom joke at a Gala Dinner," stated the Wabbit. Lapinette narrowed her eyes in disbelief. "How so?" she asked. "Too busy eating," smiled the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Blue Vial

Lapinette, the Wabbit and Duetta the Red Spider met in a hidden corner in a Palace in the centre of town. Looking over his shoulder, the Wabbit handed Duetta a small vial of blue liquid in a manner that can only be described as shifty." Duetta pounced on the vial immediately. "Did you mix it to my exact specifications, Commander?" she asked imperiously. The Wabbit nodded and then looked around cautiously. Lapinette scowled. "Did you wear gloves as I suggested?" she said. The Wabbit stared at Lapinette and his eyes narrowed, then suddenly flashed enormously wide. "I am the Rabbit God!" he cried. Duetta rattled her legs but Lapinette stamped a foot and shook a paw at the rabbit. "Of course," grinned the Wabbit, "I always keep keep sterile gloves in my fur."  Lapinette placed her paws on her hips and looked seriously at the Wabbit. "In case of forensic emergencies," he explained. Duetta ignored this badinage and grasping the vial, drank the contents in a single gulp. The Wabbit and Lapinette turned to watch Duetta, expecting something major to happen, but Duetta merely smiled. “Now we must hasten to a high place and prepare,"  she stated. But while Duetta sounded normal, her eyes started to revolve. And although they were whirling in spirals they easily captured Lapinette’s gaze. Lapinette looked into the spirals and couldn't take her eyes away. Her head begin to swim and she felt slightly dizzy. "What can you see?" she asked in a quivering tone. "Perfection," said Duetta.

The Wabbit looks for the right Stuff

The Wabbit quietly approached Skratch to obtain the dietary supplement that Duetta the spider required for her task. "Pssst," said the Wabbit. Skratch looked amused and placed a paw on the Wabbit’s head. "What can I get you, Wabbit?" he asked, ruffling the Wabbit between the ears. "I need some stuff!" hissed the Wabbit. "What kind of stuff?" whispered Skratch. "A special kind of stuff," said the Wabbit and he leaned in to Skratch’s fur and explained the Spider's plan. "Oh dear," said Skratch. "You can’t get that stuff." "What!" shouted the Wabbit in exasperation. "Shhhh!" said Skratch. "I meant it can’t be obtained legally." "Grrr," said the Wabbit. "But I can steal it," said Skratch cheerfully. "You definitely can’t buy it?" breathed the Wabbit.  "Unfortunately it’s on a list," murmured Skratch and he hummed a Tampa Red blues song. "And no matter how you try, you can't buy, you can't get that stuff no more." "Could you steal it and leave some money?" suggested the Wabbit, "If you insist!" said Skratch. "How much do you need anyway?" "Not much apparently," said the Wabbit, "will it take long?" The Wabbit drummed a paw on the floor impatiently and made a grinding sound with his teeth. "Chill out Wabbit, it’ll be with you in no time." The Wabbit growled and rummaged in his fur for cash. "And this spider woman, she’s really going to eat that stuff?" mused Skratch. "Yes, and then she'll spin awe-inspiring, WASP-defying designs," said the Wabbit in an enchanted voice. "Wow!" said Skratch. "If she takes the stuff, that lady's going to be spun!"

The Wabbit and the Spider's Plan

"Marchesa Lapinette of the Department?" said the spider, "Marshall Duetta Spyder at your service!" "The Red Spiders seek an alliance against the WASP," explained the Wabbit. "The Red Spiders," said Lapinette gently, "didn’t you disband? " "We fight on," said Duetta, making a complicated wavy sign with a front leg. Lapinette nodded and brought consideration to the matter in paw. "What of the Glistening Web Tendency?" she said gravely. "Captured," said Duetta. "The Fund Raiser faction?" queried the Wabbit. "Its members decided to be bank robbers," said Duetta. "Eternal Combat?" suggested Lapinette. "Sold out to the enemy for a pittance," replied Duetta. "Never-ending Web?" asked the Wabbit. "Wiped out by a chewing gum disaster in 1987," said Duetta. "So how many of you remain?" said the Wabbit in a matter of fact voice. "A few," murmured Duetta. Now Lapinette spoke sharply. "How many?" Duetta lifted her head proudly. "Just me! But I can replicate rather quickly." "The WASP are many," stated Lapinette. "And tenacious," said the Wabbit. "I have a plan," said Duetta. "Do tell," said the Wabbit, quivering with excitement. "It involves spinning fractal webs," she said. The Wabbit’s eyes glistened with delight but Lapinette eyes narrowed. "Webs aren’t fractals," she said categorically. "Mine are," said Duetta, "depending on my diet." She passed a badge to Lapinette and rattled her legs as Lapinette pinned it to her fur. "Now what shall we call our alliance?" "The Spin Hopsters," smiled the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit and the Red Spiders

The Wabbit hopped inside an entrance to get out of the rain and ran straight into an enormous web.  And the more the Wabbit struggled the more trapped he became. He reached into his fur for a multi-purpose tool that he bought in a market (and never used) when a shadow passed. The Wabbit found himself looking at a giant spider and the spider was staring back at him. Then both shrank away in surprise. The spider was first to recover. "Name, rank and number," she commanded. "Wabbit, Commander, 007/392," said the Wabbit. "Of the 400 Rabbits?" asked the spider. She stiffened to attention and gave a wavy salute with one of her eight legs. "I’m afraid you have the advantage of me," said the Wabbit, who had found the tool he wanted and was now cutting his way free. "I am Marshall Duetta Spyder of the Ragni Rossi" said the spider, "what on earth are you doing in my web?" "Ragni Rossi ...," murmured the Wabbit, considering his mental catalogue of irregular forces. "That's the Red Spiders. Didn’t you disband?" "Certainly not," continued the spider. "We continue underground and in the very interstices of the city." "Against the forces of WASP?" remembered the Wabbit. "They remain the menace they always were," said Duetta, "and my web was meant for them, not a rabbit." "That’s Wabbit - with a W," said the Wabbit. "And I am Spyder with a Y," said Duetta and then she paused and thought.  "Perhaps we should consider an alliance?" "Alliances come and go," shrugged the Wabbit. "But we should seize the time," stressed Duetta. "Well, while we’re seizing it, could you help me down?" said the Wabbit. 

The Wabbit and the Upset Rain

The Wabbit hopped down the Via Paolo Sacchi with his paws deep in his fur and as he hopped he complained. "I hop a tiresome hop," he muttered and he attempted to hop a pattern across the Escher-like frames on the sidewalk under the porticos. The Wabbit hated the rain. It was no secret that when the rain started, the Wabbit would bolt for cover and it was the fundamental reason he liked the porticos. When the weather was wet and inhospitable, he could hop for as many as 18 kilometres without sullying his fur. In this way he could hop in a complete circle across the city without as much as a single wet hair. But this wasn’t one of these days. Every evening for what seemed like months, the rain had hurtled down like bullets and that evening it bounced horizontally from the road, ricocheted into the porticos and straight onto the Wabbit’s coat. "Grr," said the Wabbit and he tried to smooth his fur down. But that just made things worse and he felt damp and miserable. "Oh why can’t the Department send me on a new mission?" he muttered to himself.  "I’m bored and I’m wet and I’m in a bad mood.," He stopped for a moment and listened to the deluge smash on the road outside. He could hear something else. Something besides rain. It was faint, but his ears were keen and they swivelled around like antennae. It was a hollow sound, somewhere between a rattle and a tick. "Even the rain sounds annoyed," grumbled the Wabbit.

Skratch, Ghost Bunny and the Cinema

Skratch the Cat Burglar headied to the cinema to watch a film called Bringing up Baby, not out of interest in leopards, but because he was writing a learned paper on director, Howard Hawks. It was due the next day and lateness made Skratch nervous.“Hello Skratch.” Skratch looked up to see Ghost Bunny emerge from a previous performance. She was the last being he wanted to meet, because Skratch never admitted to anyone, far less himself, that he was completely terrified of Ghost Bunny. He tried to hide this with a bonhomie that did little to convince Ghost Bunny - and in order to counter it, she also hailed Skratch like a long lost brother. “How’s the Wabbit?”  she cried with gusto. “Oh why do we always talk about the Wabbit?” asked Skratch. “He’s a wonderful role model,” said Ghost Bunny. “He’s a self-appointed hero and conceited too,” said Skratch. “What about you?” said Ghost Bunny, smiling to herself. “What’s that obscure film book you’re trying to hide?” “I’m not hiding it,” said Skratch, pushing it into his fur. “Leave it be", said Ghost Bunny, “you must foreground the signifier.” “You know about film?” gasped Skratch.”  I’m a Ghost of Pluto, First Class. I’ve seen all the films in this galaxy and beyond.” “Oooh!” said Skratch, “then you must have a favourite.” “I’m a scientific ghost and strictly neutral,” said Ghost Bunny. “Oh, go on, go on, go on,” said Skratch with enthusiasm and he danced from paw to paw. Ghost Bunny didn’t hesitate. “ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” she nodded.

The Wabbit and the Big Hit

The Wabbit and Lapinette hopped along the Corso Vinzaglio, deep in thought. “Well you’re very popular,” said Lapinette suddenly. The Wabbit cast a sidelong glance. “With the bomb in the market place, I mean,” added Lapinette. ” Sure,” said the Wabbit. “It had your name on it,” grimaced Lapinette. “I’m a smash hit!” replied the Wabbit. “Ah yes, of course,” said Lapinette. “Your enemies hit on you!” The Wabbit smiled. “Not quite,” he murmured. “That would imply an abrupt and disrespectful social manoeuvre.” “ Give me an example,” said Lapinette. “He hit on me for some cash,” scowled the Wabbit. Lapinette made enormous eyes and the Wabbit wasn’t sure if she was trying to pull his leg. He carried on regardless. “My enemies took out a hit on me,” said the Wabbit. “But they didn’t actually hit you,” smiled Lapinette.  “Fortunately not,” said the Wabbit. “If they’d hit me, they would have considered they had hit the nail on the head.” “But instead you hit the ground running,” suggested Lapinette. “More or less," grinned the Wabbit, ”I think you have the hang of it.” Lapinette thought and thought and then she found what she was looking for. “It’s just like that film with Sydney Poitier in it,” she said innocently. “Blackboard Jungle?” asked the Wabbit. “No,” smiled Lapinette. Without warning she dug him hard in the ribs and then in a low tone, whispered,  ”In the hit of the night!” 

10. The Wabbit is as good as his Word

Terni the Food Dragon took the Wabbit at his word and headed directly to a restaurant in Turin. And the Wabbit was as good as his word because he immediately ordered an artisan beer, made in Terni’s homeland of Umbria. "What’s new?" called a voice. They both turned their heads to see Lapinette hopping quickly across to their table. "Well, hello fair damsel," said Terni and flapped his cabbage wings. Lapinette wasn’t certain about being called a damsel, but she smiled sweetly. "Are you’re the Dragon that flew across restricted airspace?" " I’m afraid so," sighed Terni. "Twenty times," added Lapinette. Terni grinned. "Am in I trouble?" "I reported UFOs," said Lapinette." "I suppose I am one," said Terni and looked at his beer. "They don’t mind dragons here?" he asked. "They’re very inclusive," said the Wabbit. "I even see Befana the benevolent witch in here." "Haven’t seen her for hundreds of years," said Terni. "She comes every day," said the Wabbit, "and if I’m here she gives me candy." "I prefer beer," said Terni. "You’ve had three already," warned the Wabbit and he searched in his fur for more lunch vouchers, only to find them stuck to some old sweets. "Wasn’t Terni supposed to get a barrel of beer as part of his transfer fee," observed Lapinette. "I forgot!" moaned the Wabbit and he slapped a sticky paw to his forehead. Terni fluttered his wings. "Who’s that fellow behind us?" "Just a cardboard cut out," said the Wabbit, "he’s advertising a loyalty card." "I’m loyal," said Terni. "Then I’ll just take your details," said the cut-out.

9. Boom boom for the Wabbit

The Wabbit merely turned the bag upside down and the talking bomb dropped out, singing the while. "Everybody’s worried, about that talking bomb," sang the bomb, "but no-one ever worries about . .."  It never finished the verse. Four successive detonations boomed over the waves and the shock wave drove the dragon back on a course to home. "Boom, boom!" yelled the Wabbit. "Boom boom," said Terni the dragon in a nonchalant fashion. "We have turbulence, Dragon Heavy" shouted the Wabbit. "Pay no attention," said Terni as he zoomed inland. The Wabbit remained silent and for a while, all he could hear was the wind tearing at his fur. "Do you have any enemies?" The Wabbit could always hear Terni’s deep voice above anything the elements could offer. "Would you care to scan one of my lists?" replied the Wabbit. "Is it awfully long?" enquired Terni. "With several sub sections," said the Wabbit. "My goodness, do you always live in this adventurous manner?" asked Terni. "Sometimes we all stop for an aperitivo," said the Wabbit brightly. "Mine’s beer," said Terni. "The choice is yours," said the Wabbit, "my treat." Terni considered the matter. "Suddenly, food shopping seems a little dull," he said. The Department can always use a dragon on special secondment," said the Wabbit, secretly wondering how many meals he would have to buy to obtain the appropriate authority. "I’ll go through your list," said Terni, "and get your enemies down." "We’d all like that," chortled the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit sings at the Coast

The Wabbit and Terni the food dragon soared across the countryside, carrying the talking bomb towards the sea. And all the way the bomb chattered incessantly. "Is there any way you can shut it up?" shouted Terni. "Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road," sang the bomb. "I don’t want to fiddle with it," yelled the Wabbit. "I’ll be glad to get rid of it," moaned Terni. "Vamos a la playa, aha ha ha ha!" sang the bomb. "Aaaaaagh," shouted Terni, "it’s doing my head in." "Only a little bit further," urged the Wabbit. "Out to sea a few kilometres and we’ll hear it no more." "How do you propose to get rid of it?" queried Terni. "I’ll just dump it," said the Wabbit. "Not with my bag you won’t," grimaced Terni. "I’ll get you a new bag," said the Wabbit. "Be so good as to save my brand new bag," uttered Terni. The Wabbit began to feel the bag carefully and started to turn it. But the bomb felt the movement and it sang even more. "I’m for ever blowing bubbles," sang the bomb, "pretty bubbles in the air." "We ought to join in with this one," said the Wabbit. "How does it go?" said Terni. "Like this," said the Wabbit and he started to sing. "He’ll fly so high, nearly reach the sky." The Wabbit warbled at the top of his voice. "Then like his dreams he’ll fade and die!" "I’m up for it," said Terni and he banked steeply and headed out over the water. 

7. The Wabbit and the Talking Bomb

The Wabbit gingerly lifted the object and held it tightly to his chest. "It’s ticking," said Terni the food dragon. "It is," said the Wabbit. "It has wires," said Terni. It does," said the Wabbit. "It looks like a bomb to me," ventured Terni. "It appears that way," said the Wabbit, "but I can’t read that writing, can you?" Terni scrunched up his eyes. "It says ... a present for the Wabbit." "How thoughtful," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" "Made in China," said Terni. "Everything is, nowadays," mused the Wabbit and he listened closely to the ticking. Terni waited for what seemed like an age. "I think we have some time," said the Wabbit finally, "so pass me that bag." Terni gave his newly acquired shopping bag to the Wabbit and the Wabbit carefully placed the bomb inside. "Can’t hang around here, can we?" said Terni. "No, not a good idea," said the Wabbit gravely. "I’ve always wanted to be swiftly deployed," murmured Terni. "You've got your wish Terni," said the Wabbit "Grip me firmly and airlift us out." With lightning speed, Terni's talons closed on the Wabbit’s fur and in one sweep of his cabbage winds they were airborne. "Which way?" asked Terni. "Fregene and the sea," gasped the Wabbit. "I quite like the seaside," chatted Terni. "Is someone out to get you by any chance?" Suddenly the bomb spoke and they could hear its electronic whine above the wind. ”In the beginning, there was darkness," said the bomb, "and the darkness was without form, and void." "Oh do shut up!" shouted Terni and he shot into the sky.

6. The Wabbit and a Brand New Bag

The Wabbit and Terni the food dragon arrived at San Silverio Market and Terni had a good prowl round. "This is more like it," said Terni and looked about for cabbage leaves. "You’ll like it here," said the Wabbit. "The traders are most friendly and will no doubt reach an agreement regarding your beer." "They won’t mind a food dragon?" asked Terni. "They don’t mind anyone here," said the Wabbit firmly. "Then I would like to make a purchase," said Terni. "Speak to that young woman there," suggested the Wabbit. Terni lifted his head. "Excuse me young woman," he called. The woman turned. "How can I help you father?" she smiled. Terni was quite smitten and nudged the Wabbit. "I like it here," he said and turned back. "I am looking for a bag," he ventured. "Any particular sort?" asked the woman. "It must be green and capacious enough for my food shopping," said Terni. "Va bene," said the woman and rummaged through the bags on her stall. "And it should have a small inner pocket for my change," added Terni, "and when empty, it must fold  into a small pocket of its own." The woman produced a bag and Terni scrutinised the seams closely. "That will do nicely," he said. "One euro," said the woman. "A bargain!" said Terni to the Wabbit. "I’m so pleased," said the Wabbit, "but do you see that strange thing over there?" "Where?" said Terni squinting into the sun. "Oh yes I do see it, let’s take a closer look." "Go easy Terni," said the Wabbit. "No sudden noise and no vibration." Cautiously, Terni and the Wabbit inched closer to the object ...

5. The Wabbit interprets the Market

The Wabbit hopped along to the new Testaccio market, not far away. Terni the food dragon spotted him easily and swooped down to join him. They both looked around and at first glance, the Wabbit knew it wasn’t as bad as he had expected. But the Wabbit had a clear idea of what a market should be like. He felt the new building was far too regimented and not very exciting. He wanted to scruff it up a bit and rummage around. There were no old records or magazines and everything was so spotless it seemed sterile. The dragon watched the Wabbit quietly shake his head for some time and saw his ears flap up and down. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "Markets," quoted the Wabbit, "should be medieval in character and have limpidity." The dragon fluttered his wings. "What’s limpidity?" he asked. "Unambiguous. Transparent. Clear and easy to understand," said the Wabbit. "Like me," said the dragon. "Dragons are limpid by nature," said the Wabbit. "Not like you then, Wabbit?" stated the dragon, "Regretfully no," said the Wabbit. "No offence," said Terni the dragon. "None taken," said the Wabbit and he paused to consider the matter of markets. Suddenly an idea flashed into the Wabbit’s head and he smiled broadly at Terni. "What about a transfer?" "To a new market?" asked Terni. "Exactly!" said the Wabbit. "Will there be a transfer fee?" shrieked Terni with delight. "We’ll negotiate something," said the Wabbit. "15 kilograms of cabbage," said Terni. "Anything else?" grinned the Wabbit. Terni folded his wings back, thought deeply, then made his decision. "I want a barrel of beer." "Now, that’s limpid!" yelled the Wabbit.