4.. The Wabbit and Social Change

The Wabbit was horrified to see Testaccio Market and stared at the food dragon. "What’s happened here?" he asked, "because this was a vibrant place full of hustle and bustle and people selling stuff." "They closed it," said the food dragon. "They can’t!" said the Wabbit and he stamped his hind leg in disgust. "There’s a new market of concrete and lights and niche products," said the dragon, "and they have no room for a food dragon like me." The Wabbit stamped his foot again. "They would not embrace your difference," he shouted. "I’m used to it," said the dragon. "There was once a saint who tried to make me mild." A ferocious heat emerged from the dragon's tongue and it singed the Wabbit's fur, so the Wabbit hopped back slightly. "How did that make you feel?"  he said, smoothing his fur with both paws. "Angry!" roared the dragon. Everything rattled. "I suggest you forgive him," said the Wabbit. "No!" roared the dragon. "Say it," said the Wabbit. "Say what?" said the dragon. "I forgive the saint." repeated the Wabbit. "I can't," said the dragon. "Try," urged the Wabbit. The dragon fluttered his wings and quietly murmured, "I forgive him." "Can’t hear you," said the Wabbit. "I forgive him!" roared the dragon and the Wabbit hopped back once more. "How do you feel now?" he asked. "Mildly irritated," said the dragon. The Wabbit bared a 28 toothed grin. "My work is nearly done!" he smiled. "Now let’s take a look at this awful market. What’s your name, by the way?" "Terni," said the dragon. "Come on Terni, let’s see what the planners have done."  "Wabbit, what do planners eat?" asked Terni. "Their words, usually," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and the Dragon's Fare

"Whoah hooah!" said the Wabbit as the food dragon whisked him into the sky and past the Vatican dome. The Wabbit's ears were firmly in the grip of the dragon’s talons and the air tore at his fur as they flew across the rooftops. "Where precisely is your destination?" asked the Dragon. "Testaccio Market," yelled the Wabbit. "Pistachio market, I call it," said the food dragon, "so that will be 7 euro."  The Wabbit didn’t have the breath to argue and anyway he thought it was a fair enough price. Somehow, the dragon seemed to know what the Wabbit was thinking. "That’s a special price, because it’s where I live and I’m on my way home." "To your den?" suggested the Wabbit. "I don’t have a den," said the dragon. "I have a lair." "OK, lair," agreed the Wabbit for the sake of peace. "You can help me because I’m seeking a dragon that been disturbing the population." "I’m not disturbed, I’m a perfectly balanced dragon," cried the dragon and he showed the Wabbit what he meant by swooping rather close to a spire. "Not that sort of disturbation," said the Wabbit clenching his ears as best he could manage. "I meant the general population kind of running around shouting "Don't Panic!" disturbation.". "Oh them," said the dragon. "They’re quite silly." "When will we get there?" asked the Wabbit, who was becoming impatient and his fur was feeling aeriated. "After I get my shopping," said the dragon. "What shopping?" asked the Wabbit. "Food shopping," said the dragon. The Wabbit laughed. "Why did the corn stalk get mad at the farmer?" he ventured. "I give up," said the dragon. "He kept pulling its ears!" yelled the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Food Dragon

The Wabbit took a short cut through the tunnel that routed the Galleria Principe Amedeo di Savoia underground by the Vatican then down to the Tiber. The Wabbit thought that name was far too long for a tunnel and besides it was extremely polluted and rather unpleasant. So he pinched his nose to avoid breathing fumes and hopped quickly towards the other end. He was just half way through when he became aware of a periodic roaring but he shrugged it away, because he assumed it must be someone showing off a new Ferrari. "How vulgar," he muttered and carried on. Then he felt a strange heat at his back. "Hot day," thought the Wabbit, "especially in this tunnel," and he fanned his fur with both paws. Then a roaring echoed back and forward between the tunnel walls and a wind ruffled the Wabbit’s fur and made it prickle. "Must be a summer storm," thought the Wabbit and he carried on hopping. But for an instant he caught a whiff of fresh vegetables and being unable to explain this away, he glanced over his shoulder. A green dragon swooped through the tunnel at crazy angles, looming closer and closer. Suddenly the dragon screeched to a halt and looked at the Wabbit as if he were mad. The Wabbit shrugged and looked back as if he wasn’t. "Roar?" said the dragon.  "Grrr?" said the Wabbit, because he couldn’t think of a suitable utterance. "Roar!" bellowed the dragon and shot off. The Wabbit peered towards the exit as the dragon’s wings obscured the light and made everything dim, But then to his astonishment, he saw him swooping back. The Wabbit ducked as the dragon passed him again, then flinched as it circled round and picked him up by his ears. "This way," said the dragon.

1. The Wabbit hears of a Dragon

Lovely Lapinette emerged from the electronics shop clutching some kind of machine and the Wabbit descended on her with delight. "Let me make a few adjustments," said the Wabbit. "No!" cried Lapinette but she was too late and the Wabbit did something and handed it back. "I’ve told you about this before," said Lapinette. "It’s fine," said the Wabbit, "It voids the warranty," said Lapinette. "That's not worth the cardboard it’s written on," said the Wabbit. "Well, all I can say is that it's a good thing you have a new mission. It will keep you out of trouble." "Oh," said the Wabbit, "does it involve complexity?" "It's simple. You have to go to Rome, there's a strange dragon flying around." The Wabbit looked curiously at Lapinette and paused to consider what other kind of dragon there might be. "I’ll pack my dragon accessories," he smiled. "What kind of accessories?" said Lapinette with alarm. "Pots and pans," said the Wabbit. "You can get these in Rome," said Lapinette, "it’s not the desert." "I prefer my own," said the Wabbit. "Anything else?" said Lapinette. "Depends what country it’s from," said the Wabbit. "You know an awful lot about dragons," said Lapinette. "Dragonology," replied the Wabbit. For a moment there was silence. "Perhaps it will grant me a wish," murmured the Wabbit, "and I'll ask for peace and quiet." "Be very careful about what you wish for," advised Lapinette, clasping her machine close. "Don’t press that red button!" shouted the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and Film Criticism

The wabbits met at a caffè they hadn’t been to before and sheltered from the baking sun. They had just begun to discuss what kind of adventure they had, when they saw Skratch hove around the corner. “You settle this Skratch," called the Wabbit. "You’ve been to lit-crit class," added Lapinette. "I’ve been perusing Jump Cut magazine," said Skratch. "Oh really?" muttered the Wabbit. "I thought that old film journal died with film criticism years ago!" "It’s online now," said Skratch, "and I’ve been reading about a film called Taxidermia  - the taxidermist was consumed alive by speed eating cats."  "Yuk!" said Lapinette and she tried desperately to change the subject. "I do like your new CAT logo, Skratch," she said. "It’s very striking." The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "The serif isn’t quite right," he said. "I shot the serif," said Skratch. "What about his deputy?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn’t shoot no deputy," said Skratch, "just the serif. Is it a capital offence?" "No, not in self defence," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "What are you two on about?" she asked with an exasperated voice. "We were deciding what our War Games adventure could be called," said the Wabbit, "but we got diverted." "I think it was an ambivalent text that appealed to a broad audience, but despite its feminist pretensions it emerged somewhat flawed," said Skratch. “Everyone’s a critic," smiled the Wabbit. "There are no proper film critics any more," said Lapinette. "Definitely," said the Wabbit. "The new ones think Pasolini designed sunglasses." 

14. The Wabbit and the Quiz Playoff

The two contestants gathered for the War Game quiz decider in the courtyard of the Department of Wabbit Affairs, and waited expectantly. "Leeeet the contest begin," drawled Skratch and threw his paws wide. "First question, Wabbit," said Robot, "what is the brightest city that be seen from outer space." "Viva La Vegas,” sang the Wabbit. "Correct," yelled Skratch. "Lapinette, if you’re in third place in a race and you overtake the Wabbit, who's in front, in which position are you?" "Second," said  Lapinette. "Correct," said Robot. "Wabbit, what’s a bad place to fall asleep?" "Concrete," said the Wabbit. "Mmmm. I’ll give you that one," said Robot. "Lapinette, what world figure once appeared in a TV show in his pyjamas?" asked Skratch. "Fidel Castro," said Lapinette quickly. "What?" gasped the Wabbit. "Invece e' vero!" said Skratch, "correct answer." The Wabbit hid a scowl and smiled sweetly but ground his teeth nonetheless.  "Level so far," said Robot, "and the first to answer the final question wins the contest." "What is 5 to the power of zero?" asked Skratch  "One!" screamed the Wabbit hysterically. Lapinette looked at him wryly because she knew the Wabbit was right and that he was the winner. "Not finished yet," said Skratch, "because in order to fully answer the question, you must say why." "Everything to the power of zero is one," explained the Wabbit. "That's only a convention," sighed Lapinette. "Sometimes being conventional pays off," said the Wabbit. "For once," smiled Lapinette sweetly, "so when's our rematch?" "In due course," grinned the Wabbit. "But first, you owe my team lunch."

[Invece e' vero: Despite what you might think, it's true.]

13. The Wabbit receives Judgement

The teams gathered at the judges’ chambers for the final adjudication. The Wabbit had applied various solvents (which he kept in his fur) to the sticker - but it was still firmly glued to his ear along with some paint from the prison gates.  Skratch was the first judge to speak. "It was very close. Very close indeed." "Both teams excelled in different areas," said Robot," and I have computed the margins." "It’s obvious we won!" cried the Wabbit. "Silence in my court!" boomed a familiar television voice from Robot’s chest. "Judge Judy isn’t on the panel!" shouted the Wabbit. "I’m running a Judge Judy algorithm," said Robot firmly, "which I generated from no less than ten thousand of her judgements." "Grrr!" said the Wabbit. "The result is a draw in both sections," said Skratch. “The Wabbits excelled on innovation and trickery," said Robot. “The Lapinettes were best at cunning and rapid force," said Skratch. There was silence.  "It can’t be a draw," shouted Wabsworth from the balcony, "because I’m not doing it again!" "No need," said Robot. "Team leaders will assemble for a decider." Lapinette looked smug because she was more than confident. The Wabbit groaned. "I hope it isn’t a quiz," he muttered to himself. "The decider will be a quiz," said Robot. The Wabbit pretended to smile. "I love quizzes," he lied, "and I know a good question." Everyone turned to the Wabbit. "Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the can?" he asked.

12. The Wabbit gets Stuck

The Wabbit climbed on Wabsworth's shoulders and was about to stick the last sticker on the last war game target, when Lapinette’s team came hopping round the corner of the Old Abandoned Prison.  "Grrr," he muttered as the blue sticker wafted in the wind and stuck to his paw. "Up a bit, Wabsworth," he cried. Wabsworth gave a grunt and pushed. The Wabbit shot upward and attached the blue sticker, then his ear to the prison gate. "Grrr," he said again. "Paws up you lose!" said Fitzy at the front of the red team. The Wabbit waved a limp paw. "It’s paws down, I win," he said, "because our sticker is attached to the gate." "Yes indeed," said Lepus. "Stands to reason," said Khargoosh. Lapinette shook her head firmly."No, Blue Team, the Wabbit is attached to the sticker so it doesn’t count. It’s really the Wabbit that’s stuck to the gate." "Well, the sticker should be of better quality, it won’t come off my fur," grumbled the Wabbit. But then it suddenly slipped a bit and the Wabbit slid down too. Wabsworth sagged but the Wabbit remained stuck. "It’s up to the judges now," said Wabsworth. "They'll decide who wins and who loses." "Oh no, no, no," said Lapinette. "I’m pointing my weapon at you Wabsworth, and you lose." "On the contrary, I’m pointing my weapon at you Lapinette, and it’s a standoff " said Wabsworth. "Grrr. How long will the judges take to get here?" asked the Wabbit, trying to disengage from the sticker without the slightest success. "It’ll be a while so you’re obliged to stick around," laughed Lapinette.

11. Lapinette and the Army Truck

Lapinette’s Red Team was fortunate indeed. On a road just east of the railway line, they spotted a passing army truck, so Lapinette flagged it down. Frowning with much authority, she waved some very important looking papers. Then while the driver was distracted, Tipsy, Mitzy and Fitzy dived into the cab from the other side and pushed the unfortunate fellow into the street. Handing him a Metro ticket, Lapinette leapt into the driver’s seat, let the throttle out and the truck bounded forward. "Yippee!" shouted Fitzy at the rear, "Give it all you’ve got!"  "It’s a truck, Fitzy, not a Lamborghini," sighed Lapinette as she steered an unorthodox route through Lingotto and headed for the railway bridge to intercept the Wabbit’s team. "What were these important papers, Trixie?" asked Mitzy. "Carrot Club membership documents," said Lapinette. "You’re a member?" asked Tipsy. "No, but the Wabbit is," smiled Lapinette. and she swerved violently onto Via Nizza. "Did you ... steal them from him?" gasped Mitzy, her teeth chattering as they hit a section of cobbled road. "I had them in safekeeping. They were in his spare coat when I took it to the cleaners," said Lapinette calmly and she swerved left again and pushed the pedal to the metal. People leapt out of their way as the truck rumbled and clattered across the Corso Dante bridge. "Where did you learn to drive, Trixie?"  laughed Fitzy, The engine roared and the gears crashed as Lapinette drove straight through a barrier. "The Panzer Division!" she laughed.

10. Lapinette and the Runaway Train

The Big Red Train was as good as his word and the Red Team found themselves misdirected and searching an empty train. They were far from pleased and kicked the seats and shouted fiercely. "Come out with your paws up!" But no one emerged. They searched every carriage but there was no sign of anyone, far less the Wabbit and his intrepid band. They were just about to give up when the train suddenly clanged and lurched, then moved at speed along the platform. Before they could collect themselves the train had sped through Lingotto, disappeared into a tunnel and burst out into open countryside  "Cavolo!" cursed Lapinette who was using her code name, Trixie. "Fiddlesticks!" said Mitzy. "Botheration!" said Tipsy. "Sugar!" said Fitzy at the rear and she stamped with vexation. "What do we do now?" asked Tipsy. "The train goes directly to Milan," said Fitzy, who had the good sense to read the signs. "That’s two hours," said Mitzy. "And two hours back," said Tipsy. “I can count!" snapped Lapinette. "We need to get off and there’s only one way to do it." Fitzy looked delighted. "Pull the communication cord!" she yelled. "I’ve always wanted to." "Then what?" asked Tipsy. "Run for it," said Lapinette, "we’ll be back in half an hour if we commandeer a car." "I’ve never done that either," said Fitzy, clapping her paws. "Don’t we need authority?" asked Mitzy. Lapinette held up her snazer gun. "I am Trixie!" she said. "I’m all the authority anyone needs."

9. The Wabbit and the Talking Target

The Wabbit’s team blinked when they hopped into the morning light and surrounded the designated target.  But the Wabbit looked reticent and he hesitated. Wabsworth was quite aware of the Wabbit’s affection for Big Red Trains and called across. "It’s just an exercise Commander. Stick the sticker!" The Wabbit slapped the blue sticker on the front and looked up. "Is this an award?" said the Big Red Train. "Kind of," said the Wabbit. "But where’s your puzzle magazine?" asked the train.  The Wabbit was surprised. "Have we met?" "I took you to Rome twice," said the train. "Sorry, I’m not travelling today," said the Wabbit. "Well, perhaps I can assist you in some other way?" said the train. Lepus winked at Wabsworth. "Does he always speak to trains?" he asked. "All the time," said Wabsworth, "so listen and learn." The Wabbit’s eyes sparkled and he addressed the train with a jovial smile. "There is a way you can help us," he said. "Soon, some red eared wabbits will arrive and I want you to tell them we went the other way." "What way are you going?" said the train. "Whichever way we go, inform the red ears we went in the opposite direction," smiled the Wabbit. "What if they get on the choo-choo to search?" asked Khargoosh. The Wabbit turned back to the train. "Should the red ears board, close the doors and depart immediately." "That’s difficult," said the train, "I’m afraid I’m the 07.35 to Naples." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "That doesn’t matter," he said, "because the 07.35 is always called the 07.35 - even if it's early." "Or late," said Lepus.  

8. The Wabbit strikes First

The Wabbit pressed the blue sticker in place. The Metro was one of the designated War Game targets for the insurgents and a first in the second round. The Wabbit smiled a satisfied smile but it didn’t last long. Alerted by a rustling from beneath the rails he loosened his automatic from his fur and signalled to his team.  All eyes swivelled to watch the Wabbit. "What’s up?" mouthed Lepus. The Wabbit gave a serried of paw signals. "I’ve spotted one of the enemy," he waved. Then his paw wagged up and down for absolute silence as they all inched forward. The Wabbit swept some dust across the blue sticker to dirty it up and waved for his team to back away. One by one they all backed down the tracks until they were well out of earshot. "The best defence is to stay out of range," whispered the Wabbit. "With any luck they won’t see the blue sticker and they’ll fiddle-faddle here for a while." "What is this fiddling-faddling?" asked Khargoosh. " با نگاهی به اطراف," said the Wabbit in Persian. Lepus look across the rails to Khargoosh. "Them looking around will give us time to beat them to the next target," he advised. The Wabbit grinned because knew that Lepus had served in many campaigns and had picked up this and that. Khargoosh nodded and pricked up his ears. "We should be going, I can hear a choo-choo," he smiled. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "that’ll cover our tracks."

7. The Wabbit faces a Dilemma

The Wabbit’s team had changed colours for the next round of the War Game and had gathered at the Caffè in Superga for a break when a red-eared Lapinette came hopping in. "You won’t win the next one!" she said. "Who can foretell the future?" smiled the Wabbit. "You cheated," said Lapinette. "All’s fair in love and war," replied the Wabbit. "Up the reds," said Lapinette and she left as quickly as she had arrived. "Up the blues," said Lepus and glanced back at Wabsworth who was talking to Khargoosh. "Up the blues," cried Wabsworth and winked. Lepus leaned forward and spoke confidentially to the Wabbit. "Could you give me Wabsworth’s phone number?" he whispered. "Why don’t you ask him yourself?" said the Wabbit  "I’m hardly his father." Then he noticed Lepus flinch.  "Oh I see," said the Wabbit immediately. "What are your exact intentions?" "I thought we might go out for an aperitivo together, then see a show," said Lepus shyly. The Wabbit wondered how to explain the situation and his eyes narrowed. "Look Lieutenant Lepus, Wabsworth isn’t at all like us wabbits." "I’m very inclusive," said Lepus. "OK," nodded the Wabbit and he had another think. "His fur isn’t natural, you know," tried the Wabbit. "I really don’t care," said Lepus. The Wabbit thought frantically. "Wabsworth has no parents," said the Wabbit. "We can always adopt some," said Lepus. This time the Wabbit gave up. “Wabsworth is an android!” he sighed. "Well, nobody’s perfect,” said Lepus. 

6.The Wabbit & the Surprise Weapon

Lapinette and the blue team waited patiently but never once saw the Wabbit’s team move. Having emerged from the secret tunnel some distance away, the Wabbit and his confederates circled around and approached from the rear. Then just before the gates they lifted their secret weapons and marched straight through. Startled, the blue team was confused. But suddenly the Wabbit lifted the bagpipes that Wabsworth had somehow obtained from the military shop in Crocetta. Air filled the bag as joined by his friends, he blew into the chanter with one enormous breath. Such a terrible din rose from the drones and echoed round old brick walls that the Wabbit alone sounded just like an army of four hundred. When the drone settled to an even menacing pitch that the Wabbit thought just right, he turned to Sergeant Khargoosh. "What tune Khargoosh?" he asked, "it's your choice." "The Barren Rocks of Aden," said Khargoosh immediately. They blew with all their might and all their paws floated merrily across the chanters. Their bagpipes squealed and skirled into a tune that was so infectious, the blue team dropped their weapons and began to dance helplessly. Lapinette frowned with her paws on her hips but she couldn’t stop herself. Without warning, she threw up her arms and then she too danced a Highland Fling with abandon. "I think that’s our round!" shouted the Wabbit to Wabsworth. "How long can you keep playing?" asked Wabsworth. "Days," said the Wabbit. 

5. The Wabbit and the Secret Doorway

The three swept down the stairs humming a marching tune when Khargoosh heard a creaking sound. "Who goes there, friend or foe?" he shouted.  "Friendly friend," came the reply, but they all pointed their weapons at the big door as the edge of a blue print frock emerged. "Wabsworth!" cried the Wabbit. It's good to see you," "This is the Secret way out from the Secret Stairway, Commander," replied Wabsworth calmly.  "Most excellent," exclaimed the Wabbit, grinning. "I must say I like your delightful frock, Mister Spy"  commented Lieutenant Lepus, who was still pointing his snaser gun rather close to the Wabbit’s ears.  "Oh, thank you. Just something I ran up at home," said Wabsworth. "Do you have the secret weapon as specified?" asked the Wabbit. "I have one for each of you," said Wabsworth, "and I must say they’re not cheap." "I do hope you got a receipt," smiled the Wabbit. "They’re on approval," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked at Wabsworth with enormous regard. "What of the enemy?" asked Khargoosh. "They’re waiting to ambush us at the Old Roman Gate," said Wabsworth. "Then that’s where we’ll surprise them," murmured the Wabbit, "how many do they think we number?" "They think there’s four hundred of us," said Wabsworth, with a glint in his eye. "Then how many do we number?" roared the Wabbit. “Four hundred!" shouted Khargoosh. "We are four hundred," yelled Lepus. "Four hundred and one," said Wabsworth and he ducked through the door. "Follow that wabbit," said the Wabbit.