The Wabbit and Film Criticism

The wabbits met at a caffè they hadn’t been to before and sheltered from the baking sun. They had just begun to discuss what kind of adventure they had, when they saw Skratch hove around the corner. “You settle this Skratch," called the Wabbit. "You’ve been to lit-crit class," added Lapinette. "I’ve been perusing Jump Cut magazine," said Skratch. "Oh really?" muttered the Wabbit. "I thought that old film journal died with film criticism years ago!" "It’s online now," said Skratch, "and I’ve been reading about a film called Taxidermia  - the taxidermist was consumed alive by speed eating cats."  "Yuk!" said Lapinette and she tried desperately to change the subject. "I do like your new CAT logo, Skratch," she said. "It’s very striking." The Wabbit wrinkled his nose. "The serif isn’t quite right," he said. "I shot the serif," said Skratch. "What about his deputy?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn’t shoot no deputy," said Skratch, "just the serif. Is it a capital offence?" "No, not in self defence," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed. "What are you two on about?" she asked with an exasperated voice. "We were deciding what our War Games adventure could be called," said the Wabbit, "but we got diverted." "I think it was an ambivalent text that appealed to a broad audience, but despite its feminist pretensions it emerged somewhat flawed," said Skratch. “Everyone’s a critic," smiled the Wabbit. "There are no proper film critics any more," said Lapinette. "Definitely," said the Wabbit. "The new ones think Pasolini designed sunglasses." 

14. The Wabbit and the Quiz Playoff

The two contestants gathered for the War Game quiz decider in the courtyard of the Department of Wabbit Affairs, and waited expectantly. "Leeeet the contest begin," drawled Skratch and threw his paws wide. "First question, Wabbit," said Robot, "what is the brightest city that be seen from outer space." "Viva La Vegas,” sang the Wabbit. "Correct," yelled Skratch. "Lapinette, if you’re in third place in a race and you overtake the Wabbit, who's in front, in which position are you?" "Second," said  Lapinette. "Correct," said Robot. "Wabbit, what’s a bad place to fall asleep?" "Concrete," said the Wabbit. "Mmmm. I’ll give you that one," said Robot. "Lapinette, what world figure once appeared in a TV show in his pyjamas?" asked Skratch. "Fidel Castro," said Lapinette quickly. "What?" gasped the Wabbit. "Invece e' vero!" said Skratch, "correct answer." The Wabbit hid a scowl and smiled sweetly but ground his teeth nonetheless.  "Level so far," said Robot, "and the first to answer the final question wins the contest." "What is 5 to the power of zero?" asked Skratch  "One!" screamed the Wabbit hysterically. Lapinette looked at him wryly because she knew the Wabbit was right and that he was the winner. "Not finished yet," said Skratch, "because in order to fully answer the question, you must say why." "Everything to the power of zero is one," explained the Wabbit. "That's only a convention," sighed Lapinette. "Sometimes being conventional pays off," said the Wabbit. "For once," smiled Lapinette sweetly, "so when's our rematch?" "In due course," grinned the Wabbit. "But first, you owe my team lunch."

[Invece e' vero: Despite what you might think, it's true.]

13. The Wabbit receives Judgement

The teams gathered at the judges’ chambers for the final adjudication. The Wabbit had applied various solvents (which he kept in his fur) to the sticker - but it was still firmly glued to his ear along with some paint from the prison gates.  Skratch was the first judge to speak. "It was very close. Very close indeed." "Both teams excelled in different areas," said Robot," and I have computed the margins." "It’s obvious we won!" cried the Wabbit. "Silence in my court!" boomed a familiar television voice from Robot’s chest. "Judge Judy isn’t on the panel!" shouted the Wabbit. "I’m running a Judge Judy algorithm," said Robot firmly, "which I generated from no less than ten thousand of her judgements." "Grrr!" said the Wabbit. "The result is a draw in both sections," said Skratch. “The Wabbits excelled on innovation and trickery," said Robot. “The Lapinettes were best at cunning and rapid force," said Skratch. There was silence.  "It can’t be a draw," shouted Wabsworth from the balcony, "because I’m not doing it again!" "No need," said Robot. "Team leaders will assemble for a decider." Lapinette looked smug because she was more than confident. The Wabbit groaned. "I hope it isn’t a quiz," he muttered to himself. "The decider will be a quiz," said Robot. The Wabbit pretended to smile. "I love quizzes," he lied, "and I know a good question." Everyone turned to the Wabbit. "Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the can?" he asked.

12. The Wabbit gets Stuck

The Wabbit climbed on Wabsworth's shoulders and was about to stick the last sticker on the last war game target, when Lapinette’s team came hopping round the corner of the Old Abandoned Prison.  "Grrr," he muttered as the blue sticker wafted in the wind and stuck to his paw. "Up a bit, Wabsworth," he cried. Wabsworth gave a grunt and pushed. The Wabbit shot upward and attached the blue sticker, then his ear to the prison gate. "Grrr," he said again. "Paws up you lose!" said Fitzy at the front of the red team. The Wabbit waved a limp paw. "It’s paws down, I win," he said, "because our sticker is attached to the gate." "Yes indeed," said Lepus. "Stands to reason," said Khargoosh. Lapinette shook her head firmly."No, Blue Team, the Wabbit is attached to the sticker so it doesn’t count. It’s really the Wabbit that’s stuck to the gate." "Well, the sticker should be of better quality, it won’t come off my fur," grumbled the Wabbit. But then it suddenly slipped a bit and the Wabbit slid down too. Wabsworth sagged but the Wabbit remained stuck. "It’s up to the judges now," said Wabsworth. "They'll decide who wins and who loses." "Oh no, no, no," said Lapinette. "I’m pointing my weapon at you Wabsworth, and you lose." "On the contrary, I’m pointing my weapon at you Lapinette, and it’s a standoff " said Wabsworth. "Grrr. How long will the judges take to get here?" asked the Wabbit, trying to disengage from the sticker without the slightest success. "It’ll be a while so you’re obliged to stick around," laughed Lapinette.

11. Lapinette and the Army Truck

Lapinette’s Red Team was fortunate indeed. On a road just east of the railway line, they spotted a passing army truck, so Lapinette flagged it down. Frowning with much authority, she waved some very important looking papers. Then while the driver was distracted, Tipsy, Mitzy and Fitzy dived into the cab from the other side and pushed the unfortunate fellow into the street. Handing him a Metro ticket, Lapinette leapt into the driver’s seat, let the throttle out and the truck bounded forward. "Yippee!" shouted Fitzy at the rear, "Give it all you’ve got!"  "It’s a truck, Fitzy, not a Lamborghini," sighed Lapinette as she steered an unorthodox route through Lingotto and headed for the railway bridge to intercept the Wabbit’s team. "What were these important papers, Trixie?" asked Mitzy. "Carrot Club membership documents," said Lapinette. "You’re a member?" asked Tipsy. "No, but the Wabbit is," smiled Lapinette. and she swerved violently onto Via Nizza. "Did you ... steal them from him?" gasped Mitzy, her teeth chattering as they hit a section of cobbled road. "I had them in safekeeping. They were in his spare coat when I took it to the cleaners," said Lapinette calmly and she swerved left again and pushed the pedal to the metal. People leapt out of their way as the truck rumbled and clattered across the Corso Dante bridge. "Where did you learn to drive, Trixie?"  laughed Fitzy, The engine roared and the gears crashed as Lapinette drove straight through a barrier. "The Panzer Division!" she laughed.

10. Lapinette and the Runaway Train

The Big Red Train was as good as his word and the Red Team found themselves misdirected and searching an empty train. They were far from pleased and kicked the seats and shouted fiercely. "Come out with your paws up!" But no one emerged. They searched every carriage but there was no sign of anyone, far less the Wabbit and his intrepid band. They were just about to give up when the train suddenly clanged and lurched, then moved at speed along the platform. Before they could collect themselves the train had sped through Lingotto, disappeared into a tunnel and burst out into open countryside  "Cavolo!" cursed Lapinette who was using her code name, Trixie. "Fiddlesticks!" said Mitzy. "Botheration!" said Tipsy. "Sugar!" said Fitzy at the rear and she stamped with vexation. "What do we do now?" asked Tipsy. "The train goes directly to Milan," said Fitzy, who had the good sense to read the signs. "That’s two hours," said Mitzy. "And two hours back," said Tipsy. “I can count!" snapped Lapinette. "We need to get off and there’s only one way to do it." Fitzy looked delighted. "Pull the communication cord!" she yelled. "I’ve always wanted to." "Then what?" asked Tipsy. "Run for it," said Lapinette, "we’ll be back in half an hour if we commandeer a car." "I’ve never done that either," said Fitzy, clapping her paws. "Don’t we need authority?" asked Mitzy. Lapinette held up her snazer gun. "I am Trixie!" she said. "I’m all the authority anyone needs."

9. The Wabbit and the Talking Target

The Wabbit’s team blinked when they hopped into the morning light and surrounded the designated target.  But the Wabbit looked reticent and he hesitated. Wabsworth was quite aware of the Wabbit’s affection for Big Red Trains and called across. "It’s just an exercise Commander. Stick the sticker!" The Wabbit slapped the blue sticker on the front and looked up. "Is this an award?" said the Big Red Train. "Kind of," said the Wabbit. "But where’s your puzzle magazine?" asked the train.  The Wabbit was surprised. "Have we met?" "I took you to Rome twice," said the train. "Sorry, I’m not travelling today," said the Wabbit. "Well, perhaps I can assist you in some other way?" said the train. Lepus winked at Wabsworth. "Does he always speak to trains?" he asked. "All the time," said Wabsworth, "so listen and learn." The Wabbit’s eyes sparkled and he addressed the train with a jovial smile. "There is a way you can help us," he said. "Soon, some red eared wabbits will arrive and I want you to tell them we went the other way." "What way are you going?" said the train. "Whichever way we go, inform the red ears we went in the opposite direction," smiled the Wabbit. "What if they get on the choo-choo to search?" asked Khargoosh. The Wabbit turned back to the train. "Should the red ears board, close the doors and depart immediately." "That’s difficult," said the train, "I’m afraid I’m the 07.35 to Naples." The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "That doesn’t matter," he said, "because the 07.35 is always called the 07.35 - even if it's early." "Or late," said Lepus.  

8. The Wabbit strikes First

The Wabbit pressed the blue sticker in place. The Metro was one of the designated War Game targets for the insurgents and a first in the second round. The Wabbit smiled a satisfied smile but it didn’t last long. Alerted by a rustling from beneath the rails he loosened his automatic from his fur and signalled to his team.  All eyes swivelled to watch the Wabbit. "What’s up?" mouthed Lepus. The Wabbit gave a serried of paw signals. "I’ve spotted one of the enemy," he waved. Then his paw wagged up and down for absolute silence as they all inched forward. The Wabbit swept some dust across the blue sticker to dirty it up and waved for his team to back away. One by one they all backed down the tracks until they were well out of earshot. "The best defence is to stay out of range," whispered the Wabbit. "With any luck they won’t see the blue sticker and they’ll fiddle-faddle here for a while." "What is this fiddling-faddling?" asked Khargoosh. " با نگاهی به اطراف," said the Wabbit in Persian. Lepus look across the rails to Khargoosh. "Them looking around will give us time to beat them to the next target," he advised. The Wabbit grinned because knew that Lepus had served in many campaigns and had picked up this and that. Khargoosh nodded and pricked up his ears. "We should be going, I can hear a choo-choo," he smiled. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "that’ll cover our tracks."

7. The Wabbit faces a Dilemma

The Wabbit’s team had changed colours for the next round of the War Game and had gathered at the Caffè in Superga for a break when a red-eared Lapinette came hopping in. "You won’t win the next one!" she said. "Who can foretell the future?" smiled the Wabbit. "You cheated," said Lapinette. "All’s fair in love and war," replied the Wabbit. "Up the reds," said Lapinette and she left as quickly as she had arrived. "Up the blues," said Lepus and glanced back at Wabsworth who was talking to Khargoosh. "Up the blues," cried Wabsworth and winked. Lepus leaned forward and spoke confidentially to the Wabbit. "Could you give me Wabsworth’s phone number?" he whispered. "Why don’t you ask him yourself?" said the Wabbit  "I’m hardly his father." Then he noticed Lepus flinch.  "Oh I see," said the Wabbit immediately. "What are your exact intentions?" "I thought we might go out for an aperitivo together, then see a show," said Lepus shyly. The Wabbit wondered how to explain the situation and his eyes narrowed. "Look Lieutenant Lepus, Wabsworth isn’t at all like us wabbits." "I’m very inclusive," said Lepus. "OK," nodded the Wabbit and he had another think. "His fur isn’t natural, you know," tried the Wabbit. "I really don’t care," said Lepus. The Wabbit thought frantically. "Wabsworth has no parents," said the Wabbit. "We can always adopt some," said Lepus. This time the Wabbit gave up. “Wabsworth is an android!” he sighed. "Well, nobody’s perfect,” said Lepus. 

6.The Wabbit & the Surprise Weapon

Lapinette and the blue team waited patiently but never once saw the Wabbit’s team move. Having emerged from the secret tunnel some distance away, the Wabbit and his confederates circled around and approached from the rear. Then just before the gates they lifted their secret weapons and marched straight through. Startled, the blue team was confused. But suddenly the Wabbit lifted the bagpipes that Wabsworth had somehow obtained from the military shop in Crocetta. Air filled the bag as joined by his friends, he blew into the chanter with one enormous breath. Such a terrible din rose from the drones and echoed round old brick walls that the Wabbit alone sounded just like an army of four hundred. When the drone settled to an even menacing pitch that the Wabbit thought just right, he turned to Sergeant Khargoosh. "What tune Khargoosh?" he asked, "it's your choice." "The Barren Rocks of Aden," said Khargoosh immediately. They blew with all their might and all their paws floated merrily across the chanters. Their bagpipes squealed and skirled into a tune that was so infectious, the blue team dropped their weapons and began to dance helplessly. Lapinette frowned with her paws on her hips but she couldn’t stop herself. Without warning, she threw up her arms and then she too danced a Highland Fling with abandon. "I think that’s our round!" shouted the Wabbit to Wabsworth. "How long can you keep playing?" asked Wabsworth. "Days," said the Wabbit. 

5. The Wabbit and the Secret Doorway

The three swept down the stairs humming a marching tune when Khargoosh heard a creaking sound. "Who goes there, friend or foe?" he shouted.  "Friendly friend," came the reply, but they all pointed their weapons at the big door as the edge of a blue print frock emerged. "Wabsworth!" cried the Wabbit. It's good to see you," "This is the Secret way out from the Secret Stairway, Commander," replied Wabsworth calmly.  "Most excellent," exclaimed the Wabbit, grinning. "I must say I like your delightful frock, Mister Spy"  commented Lieutenant Lepus, who was still pointing his snaser gun rather close to the Wabbit’s ears.  "Oh, thank you. Just something I ran up at home," said Wabsworth. "Do you have the secret weapon as specified?" asked the Wabbit. "I have one for each of you," said Wabsworth, "and I must say they’re not cheap." "I do hope you got a receipt," smiled the Wabbit. "They’re on approval," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked at Wabsworth with enormous regard. "What of the enemy?" asked Khargoosh. "They’re waiting to ambush us at the Old Roman Gate," said Wabsworth. "Then that’s where we’ll surprise them," murmured the Wabbit, "how many do they think we number?" "They think there’s four hundred of us," said Wabsworth, with a glint in his eye. "Then how many do we number?" roared the Wabbit. “Four hundred!" shouted Khargoosh. "We are four hundred," yelled Lepus. "Four hundred and one," said Wabsworth and he ducked through the door. "Follow that wabbit," said the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit's use of Intelligence

They had only turned away for an instant but when they looked back, the scene was alive with Lapinette’s personal guard. The War Game looked over until Khargoosh and Lepus saw an impassive Wabbit make a discreet signal to someone down below. Lepus looked hard. "There’s a funny looking one down there Commander," he said, "and to tell you the truth, she looks a bit like you." "No-one can have two genders and be in two places at once," said a shocked Khargoosh. "I did heard rumours," said Lepus doubtfully. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "Those who do not employ spies," he smiled, "are unable to gain advantage in the Situation." "What is our Situation, Commander?" asked Lepus. "Hopelessly outnumbered," said the Wabbit, "but we won't throw ourselves against an impregnable enemy." "Then what’s the use of the spy?" queried Khargoosh. "We know exactly by how many we’re outnumbered," said the Wabbit, "and my spy has led the Blues to think we are many - that is also to our advantage." The Wabbit paused for effect and flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his fur. "They expect us to creep after them and use our height advantage," he continued, "so we’ll go down instead." "Won’t they trap us at the lift?" asked Khargoosh. "Lifts are dull," said the Wabbit. "Besides, I know a fun secret staircase." "When you sweep the stairs, you start at the top," said Khargoosh. "So let's sweep," said Lepus. And off they hopped, making sweeping motions with their paws.

3. The Wabbit takes the Lift

Acting on information received, the Wabbit and his confederates took a lift up the tower of an old building to flush out any War Game insurgents. They were just emerging when a flash of blue passed the open window. "It’s the Blues!" cried Khargoosh, "they’re at two o’clock." "Got her in my sights," snarled Lepus as he tilted his weapon and let fly with a beam of red training slime that smacked into the window frame near Lapinette's head. Lapinette looked over her shoulder and winked, mouthed “missed” and vanished down the outside of the building. The Wabbit stood still for a minute, gingerly feeling the fur between his ears. "That was a little close, Bunny," he murmured. "It nearly sullied my fur." "I’m a crack shot sir," said Lieutenant Lepus. "Where did you train?" asked the Wabbit. "Festa dell'Unità," said Lepus. "I always win a cuddly toy at the shooting galleries." "Keep up the good work Lepus, otherwise I’ll meet a fête worse than death," said the Wabbit, "and do mind my coat, it’s just back from the cleaners." "Right Sir," said Lepus, "now where’s she gone?" "We'll look out on the territory and see what we can see," said the Wabbit, "they're might be others." "What if they spot us, Commander?" said Khargoosh. "You said we should expect the unexpected." "Good thinking, Bunnies," said the Wabbit, "let's fold down our ears and peer over the window ledge. The three carefully folded their ears to the back and rested their jaws on the bricks. "What can you see Commander?" asked Khargoosh, "Well, I can see my house from here," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the first Skirmish

For their War Game scenario, the Wabbit drew the side of the government and Lapinette the insurgents. The Wabbit was far from pleased because he would have liked to be an insurgent. But on the bright side, he did get to wear the red ears whilst Lapinette wore the blue. On reflection, he thought his small team looked most fetching. "Let’s patrol the streets and roust the insurgents from their nests," said the Wabbit. So they set off looking in corners and behind vehicles, poking things with the barrels of their snaser guns. They were just making their way down a back street when the Wabbit caught sight of something in the road, “Careful bunnies," said the Wabbit sharply, "watch out for that open manhole." Suddenly there was a whoosh and blue smoke came spiralling from a grenade. "Take cover!" shouted the Wabbit and they all crouched against a wall, rubbing their streaming eyes. "Oh, that stings," said Sergeant Khargoosh. "Did you see anything Commander?" asked Lieutenant Lepus. "I saw a flash of blue print frock," said the Wabbit. "How many do you think there are?" said Lepus. The Wabbit grimaced.. "Where Lapinette is concerned, it only takes one." "Who are her close associates?" asked Khargoosh. "Well, me I suppose," said the Wabbit. "Then you know her better than anyone. What should we expect?" said Lepus. "The unexpected," said the Wabbit, "so come on you bunnies."  And he hopped ahead glancing right and left.

1. The Wabbit hears a Proposal

Lapinette took the opportunity of her lift to speak to the Wabbit about a plan. "Wabbit, what about a training day?" she asked and then waited to see what arguments the Wabbit would use against her idea. "What a splendid idea Lap," he said with gusto. "Perhaps I can involve my special guard, the 400 Rabbits." Lapinette was puzzled by the Wabbit’s enthusiasm but smiled nonetheless. "In that case, we can also use my own elite guard and have a War Game." The Wabbit glanced cautiously at Lapinette. He had never heard of her elite guard, but he chose not to mention it. "Of course," he said, "let’s make a week of it." Lapinette clapped her paws and pronounced it an excellent idea. The Wabbit knew he had reached the point where he could ask what this was all about. "Why at this precise juncture?" he asked. "We need to sharpen up," said Lapinette, "we need to be prepared." "Are you expecting something?" asked the Wabbit. "We must always expect the unexpected," said Lapinette. The Wabbit pondered. "I can’t disagree," he said finally, thinking about his shambolic investigation of the Drinks Thief. "But how many are in your elite guard?" "In the Game, that’s for me to know and you to find out," smiled Lapinette." I see," said the Wabbit, "so when do we start?" "No time like the present," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brought the jeep to a screeching halt. "No fraternising then," he said with a grin and he opened the door. "Lapinette hopped out then turned. "The loser pays for big eats at Eataly," she shouted. "I never think of losing," murmured the Wabbit. "It’s bad for my fur."