5. The Wabbit and the Secret Doorway

The three swept down the stairs humming a marching tune when Khargoosh heard a creaking sound. "Who goes there, friend or foe?" he shouted.  "Friendly friend," came the reply, but they all pointed their weapons at the big door as the edge of a blue print frock emerged. "Wabsworth!" cried the Wabbit. It's good to see you," "This is the Secret way out from the Secret Stairway, Commander," replied Wabsworth calmly.  "Most excellent," exclaimed the Wabbit, grinning. "I must say I like your delightful frock, Mister Spy"  commented Lieutenant Lepus, who was still pointing his snaser gun rather close to the Wabbit’s ears.  "Oh, thank you. Just something I ran up at home," said Wabsworth. "Do you have the secret weapon as specified?" asked the Wabbit. "I have one for each of you," said Wabsworth, "and I must say they’re not cheap." "I do hope you got a receipt," smiled the Wabbit. "They’re on approval," replied Wabsworth. The Wabbit looked at Wabsworth with enormous regard. "What of the enemy?" asked Khargoosh. "They’re waiting to ambush us at the Old Roman Gate," said Wabsworth. "Then that’s where we’ll surprise them," murmured the Wabbit, "how many do they think we number?" "They think there’s four hundred of us," said Wabsworth, with a glint in his eye. "Then how many do we number?" roared the Wabbit. “Four hundred!" shouted Khargoosh. "We are four hundred," yelled Lepus. "Four hundred and one," said Wabsworth and he ducked through the door. "Follow that wabbit," said the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit's use of Intelligence

They had only turned away for an instant but when they looked back, the scene was alive with Lapinette’s personal guard. The War Game looked over until Khargoosh and Lepus saw an impassive Wabbit make a discreet signal to someone down below. Lepus looked hard. "There’s a funny looking one down there Commander," he said, "and to tell you the truth, she looks a bit like you." "No-one can have two genders and be in two places at once," said a shocked Khargoosh. "I did heard rumours," said Lepus doubtfully. The Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth. "Those who do not employ spies," he smiled, "are unable to gain advantage in the Situation." "What is our Situation, Commander?" asked Lepus. "Hopelessly outnumbered," said the Wabbit, "but we won't throw ourselves against an impregnable enemy." "Then what’s the use of the spy?" queried Khargoosh. "We know exactly by how many we’re outnumbered," said the Wabbit, "and my spy has led the Blues to think we are many - that is also to our advantage." The Wabbit paused for effect and flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his fur. "They expect us to creep after them and use our height advantage," he continued, "so we’ll go down instead." "Won’t they trap us at the lift?" asked Khargoosh. "Lifts are dull," said the Wabbit. "Besides, I know a fun secret staircase." "When you sweep the stairs, you start at the top," said Khargoosh. "So let's sweep," said Lepus. And off they hopped, making sweeping motions with their paws.

3. The Wabbit takes the Lift

Acting on information received, the Wabbit and his confederates took a lift up the tower of an old building to flush out any War Game insurgents. They were just emerging when a flash of blue passed the open window. "It’s the Blues!" cried Khargoosh, "they’re at two o’clock." "Got her in my sights," snarled Lepus as he tilted his weapon and let fly with a beam of red training slime that smacked into the window frame near Lapinette's head. Lapinette looked over her shoulder and winked, mouthed “missed” and vanished down the outside of the building. The Wabbit stood still for a minute, gingerly feeling the fur between his ears. "That was a little close, Bunny," he murmured. "It nearly sullied my fur." "I’m a crack shot sir," said Lieutenant Lepus. "Where did you train?" asked the Wabbit. "Festa dell'Unità," said Lepus. "I always win a cuddly toy at the shooting galleries." "Keep up the good work Lepus, otherwise I’ll meet a fête worse than death," said the Wabbit, "and do mind my coat, it’s just back from the cleaners." "Right Sir," said Lepus, "now where’s she gone?" "We'll look out on the territory and see what we can see," said the Wabbit, "they're might be others." "What if they spot us, Commander?" said Khargoosh. "You said we should expect the unexpected." "Good thinking, Bunnies," said the Wabbit, "let's fold down our ears and peer over the window ledge. The three carefully folded their ears to the back and rested their jaws on the bricks. "What can you see Commander?" asked Khargoosh, "Well, I can see my house from here," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the first Skirmish

For their War Game scenario, the Wabbit drew the side of the government and Lapinette the insurgents. The Wabbit was far from pleased because he would have liked to be an insurgent. But on the bright side, he did get to wear the red ears whilst Lapinette wore the blue. On reflection, he thought his small team looked most fetching. "Let’s patrol the streets and roust the insurgents from their nests," said the Wabbit. So they set off looking in corners and behind vehicles, poking things with the barrels of their snaser guns. They were just making their way down a back street when the Wabbit caught sight of something in the road, “Careful bunnies," said the Wabbit sharply, "watch out for that open manhole." Suddenly there was a whoosh and blue smoke came spiralling from a grenade. "Take cover!" shouted the Wabbit and they all crouched against a wall, rubbing their streaming eyes. "Oh, that stings," said Sergeant Khargoosh. "Did you see anything Commander?" asked Lieutenant Lepus. "I saw a flash of blue print frock," said the Wabbit. "How many do you think there are?" said Lepus. The Wabbit grimaced.. "Where Lapinette is concerned, it only takes one." "Who are her close associates?" asked Khargoosh. "Well, me I suppose," said the Wabbit. "Then you know her better than anyone. What should we expect?" said Lepus. "The unexpected," said the Wabbit, "so come on you bunnies."  And he hopped ahead glancing right and left.

1. The Wabbit hears a Proposal

Lapinette took the opportunity of her lift to speak to the Wabbit about a plan. "Wabbit, what about a training day?" she asked and then waited to see what arguments the Wabbit would use against her idea. "What a splendid idea Lap," he said with gusto. "Perhaps I can involve my special guard, the 400 Rabbits." Lapinette was puzzled by the Wabbit’s enthusiasm but smiled nonetheless. "In that case, we can also use my own elite guard and have a War Game." The Wabbit glanced cautiously at Lapinette. He had never heard of her elite guard, but he chose not to mention it. "Of course," he said, "let’s make a week of it." Lapinette clapped her paws and pronounced it an excellent idea. The Wabbit knew he had reached the point where he could ask what this was all about. "Why at this precise juncture?" he asked. "We need to sharpen up," said Lapinette, "we need to be prepared." "Are you expecting something?" asked the Wabbit. "We must always expect the unexpected," said Lapinette. The Wabbit pondered. "I can’t disagree," he said finally, thinking about his shambolic investigation of the Drinks Thief. "But how many are in your elite guard?" "In the Game, that’s for me to know and you to find out," smiled Lapinette." I see," said the Wabbit, "so when do we start?" "No time like the present," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brought the jeep to a screeching halt. "No fraternising then," he said with a grin and he opened the door. "Lapinette hopped out then turned. "The loser pays for big eats at Eataly," she shouted. "I never think of losing," murmured the Wabbit. "It’s bad for my fur." 

7. The Wabbit Entertains

"Wabbit’s Cola all round!" said the Wabbit who had repaired to a very favourite caffè with which he had a convenient arrangement. The day was hot and the street was noisy. But above the din the Wabbit heard a familiar voice and turned to see Skratch bearing down on his table. "No, no Wabbit! They charge €3 for a Cola here!" Skratch yelled. "That’s because we’re sitting down and they bring delicious food with our drinks," said the Wabbit with an approving nod. "I don’t like coming here, they won’t let me pay," said Wabsworth, "apparently my money’s no good here." The Wabbit grinned. "I’ll bet you bring the money later and put it under the door." "I most certainly do," said Wabsworth, "how did you know?" "Lucky guess?" shrugged the Wabbit, winking at Skratch and turning back as Lapinette signalled everyone’s attention. "While I’m ordering Wabbit’s Colas, you decide what kind of adventure that was," she said brightly. "OK," said the Wabbit, "any suggestions?" "It could have been a disaster movie, with all these cans zooming around," said Lapinette over her shoulder. “Proceeding around," said the Wabbit. "They had purpose and direction," "Just like you?" smiled Lapinette. "Just like me!" beamed the Wabbit and they all laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit Reminded

By the light of the moon the friends patiently watched for any signs of the Drink Thief. Skratch had rounded up Wabsworth on the way so he could keep an eye on both him and the Wabbit. Then he hid behind a fence and they all waited. They didn’t have to wait long. From the gardener’s hut behind the bushes came a tinny clanging sound, as if someone had shaken a crate of Wabbit’s Cola. Then one by one, Wabbit’s Cola cans came sailing across their astonished eyes. The cans didn’t shoot around in all directions but proceeded in an orderly way in a straight line, as if they were going somewhere. Skratch jumped and pulled down a can for examination. "Wabbit, this can has a small chip glowing in the side," he said. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his forehead. "I forgot the self distributing circuit," he exclaimed, "but it’s new and it's not activated yet." "You mean you programmed the cans to distribute themselves to the shops?" queried Wabsworth. "More or less." said the Wabbit. "More, by the look of things," said Skratch. "Then what about recycling," asked Wabsworth with an interested expression. "That was my plan too," said the Wabbit, "the cans would take themselves to the recycling bank immediately on the best before date." "You go too far Wabbit," said Skratch. "Too far too fast," added Wabsworth. " I know," said the Wabbit and he shook his head. "But Wabbit, who was the Cola drinker who looked like you?" asked Skratch. "That must have been me," said Wabsworth, "but I paid." "How much? said the Wabbit. "€1.50," said Wabsworth. "Disgraceful!" shouted the Wabbit and he thought for a moment. "Where's my money?" he sighed.

5. The Wabbit sees Something Strange

The Wabbit was deep in thought as he passed the Automatic Food Kiosk in Via Genova. But he glanced in and couldn’t believe his eyes. He found himself watching Skratch the Cat Burglar put money in a slot and lifting a can of Wabbit’s Cola from a vending machine. "Skratch, that’s Wabbit’s Cola!" he yelled. "Very nice too, I must say," said Skratch. "It’s both tangy and refreshing with a hint of something special." Skratch opened the can, took a sip and stifled a little burp. "But it’s not on sale yet!" gasped the Wabbit. "I'm trying to find the thief that's stealing my supplies." "Your Cola's a little on the pricey side," ventured Skratch. "How much?" asked the Wabbit curiously. "A euro," said Skratch with raised eyes. The Wabbit paused for a moment. There was something else. Something the Wabbit had ignored. He struggled to make the connection but something wasn't right. “I have a suspicion I might have something to do with this, Skratch," he said. "You’re stealing your own Cola!" laughed Skratch. "Maybe I have selective amnesia or been hypnotised," said the Wabbit, "but I can’t be in two places at once." Skratch hesitated because he knew the Wabbit well - and where the Wabbit was concerned, anything was possible. Skratch had a sudden thought. "What about your android double?" he asked. The Wabbit shook his head. "Wabsworth would rather switch himself off than steal Cola," he said firmly. "Well come with me and we’ll watch your supplies and see what transpires," Skratch said calmly. "But first I'll have another can of that Cola." "I'll join you," said the Wabbit, and he searched in his fur for a coin.

4. The Wabbit gets Closer

For a moment the Wabbit thought the caffè was deserted. But he wheeled around and saw three Roman soldiers drinking Roman Cola. The Wabbit was getting used to meeting his enemies and took the bull by the horns. "Good Servants of the Republic. What pray, are your names?" "I am Poobus," said one Roman, "I am Bummus," said another. "And I am Smellius," said the third soldier. The Wabbit suppressed a grin. "I am Wabbitus and I am employed by Provincial Governor Cuniculus. He implores all citizens to unmask and bring to justice, the Drink Thief." "Of what drink do you speak?" said a soldier. "Wabbit’s Cola, future drink of the people," said the Wabbit. "I prefer Roman Cola," said the soldier and the others shook their heads at the thought of a different Cola from Roman Cola. "You’ll be honourably mentioned at Senate," said the Wabbit with his paws crossed. "In that case I did see a strange one with the Cola," said a Roman soldier. "Went to the same outfitter as you by the looks of it," said another. "Made to measure," said another.  “Really," said the Wabbit. "A snappy dresser! You have been most helpful." A soldier dug another in the ribs and pointed at the Wabbit. "If you're such a Roman, Wabitus, then riddle me this," he chuckled. "OK," said the Wabbit. "When was Rome built?" asked the soldier.  "At night," replied the Wabbit. The three soldiers looked at him in puzzlement. "Well Rome wasn’t built in the day," quipped the Wabbit and he hopped very quickly out. 

3. The Wabbit gets a Lead

Undercover at the shopping centre, the Wabbit spotted more of his enemies and he wondered why. But he was intent on his task. What relevance did Ice Mice have for his quest to find the Drink Thief? Could they be stealing his new invention, Wabbit’s Cola? The Wabbit decided to attract their attention. "Ice Mice, may I interest you in a Telepass?" he chortled chirpily. "No stopping for highway tolls. You can skip the lines!" "Don’t care," said an Ice Mouse. "We usually do." "Then perhaps I can offer you a deal for your delicious drinks," simpered the Wabbit. "What kind of a deal?" snarled an Ice Mouse. He turned and the Wabbit caught sight of his Cola. He could see it wasn't his, so he changed tactics. "Deals off," said the Wabbit, "but what do you think of your Cola?" "Warm," said the the first Ice Mouse. "Insipid," said the second. "Have you heard of Wabbit’s Cola?" asked the Wabbit cautiously. "I saw a can of that in a caffè round the corner," said an Ice Mouse. The Wabbit tried not to get excited. "Some Cola connoisseur of course," he suggested." "It was just sitting on a table, but the wabbit logo put me off," scowled an Ice Mouse. The Wabbit decided he would investigate this caffè but first he had to disengage from the Ice Mice so he adopted a disinterested air. "What film did you watch?” he asked with a bored face. "Ice Station Zebra," said an Ice Mouse and he studied the Wabbit very closely ."You do look familiar, what is your name?" he asked. "I operate on a first name basis," said the Wabbit. "My first name is Commander."

2. The Wabbit and the First Clue

The Wabbit hopped through the ancient exhibits on his way to the palace exit. He was rather familiar with all the displays, so he paused immediately when he saw a discarded can of Wabbit’s Cola, his new invention. A "clue!" cried the Wabbit and he searched deep in his fur to pull out a magnifying glass worthy of Sherlock Holmes. He thought he could see a paw print on the can but he didn’t recognise it so he peered closer. With his eyes so close to his magnifying glass, the Wabbit caught sight of a familiar yellow reflection in the rim, but he pretended not to notice. "What’s a lone Skuttle doing here?" he murmured to himself. "I’m a clue," said the Skuttle. "I don’t have time for Skuttles today," said the Wabbit. "I’m on a serious detective mission." "I’m a clue." repeated the Skuttle. The Wabbit shook his head. "I am," insisted the Skuttle, "so what do I represent to you?" The Wabbit thought of various things that couldn’t be mentioned in polite company. "You’re stealing my Cola?" he ventured. "We hate Cola," said the Skuttle.  The Wabbit pondered. "You like drinkin' wine," he said. "Spo-De-O-De!" sang the Skuttle triumphantly. "The thief is drinking the Cola, so it’s not Skuttles," thought the Wabbit and immediately that thought came into his head, the Skuttle began to disappear. "When I’ve eliminated all that is impossible, then whatever remains is the truth," thought the Wabbit. "No matter how improbable," whispered the Skuttle and it vanished into thin air.

1. The Wabbit and the Drink Thief

The Wabbit had for some time been working on a new drink to rival his favourite Irn Bru. His secret project was well protected by a friendly gardener, who tended the secluded garden of an old palace in the centre of town. There, hidden in a shed for organic waste, the Wabbit kept a hoard of his mysterious new drink. The drink had been a happy accident. The Wabbit liked to sip from a straw but one day, he ran out. He could only find the aerosol extension from his can of WD40 lubricating oil, so the Wabbit used that as a straw and it imparted a strange and earthy flavour to his new drink. Gradually, the Wabbit began to like it. Then his drink just didn’t taste right without a homeopathic dose of oil. All was going well until one sunny morning the Wabbit noticed that cans were disappearing, because the Wabbit was always counting things and he knew immediately. It definitely wasn’t the gardener because he didn’t like the Wabbit's new drink and had emphatically told him so on several occasions. So someone or something unknown was helping themselves. "I’m going to find out who this purloiner is and unmask him or her or it," muttered the Wabbit. "Wabbit’s the name. Gumshoe’s the game," he murmured as he took a sip of Wabbit’s Cola. "But first I need a clue." The Wabbit looked all round but he saw nothing that looked remotely like a clue. "I’m currently clueless," sighed the Wabbit. 

The Wabbits in the Jazz Club Caffè

Back in Turin, the Wabbit propelled Lapinette into one of his favourite haunts. He had asked the staff to be on the lookout for Romans and a waiter had assured him that he always was. Reassured, the Wabbit sat down to wait for a special cocktail of his own invention. "It’s taking ages," said Lapinette. "It has to be precise," said the Wabbit. "What do you call it?" smiled Lapinette. "It’s called a Jazz Wabbit," replied the Wabbit. Lapinette waited very patiently to hear about the ingredients but the Wabbit took his time. "It’s just like a carrot aperitivo," he said finally,"but instead of soda there’s Irn Bru." "But they won’t have any Irn Bru here," scoffed Lapinette. "I used to bring my own," smiled the Wabbit, "and now I hear that lots of people have been asking for Jazz Wabbits." Lapinette shook her head. "It will sweep the land no doubt," she said and she had a sudden vision of a bottle of Irn Bru in every fridge in Italy. "What sort of adventure do you feel you had this time?" she asked suddenly. "It was a dream so it doesn’t count," sighed the Wabbit. "It was a real dream," said Lapinette, "and in it was a detailed film epic, within a fur meta-text." The Wabbit looked shrewdly at Lapinette. "Have you been raiding my cinema library?" he asked. "No, I've heard you talk and I just made that up," said Lapinette. "Then what did the film think, and who did it talk to?" asked the Wabbit. "A film can't think," said Lapinette. "You'd be surprised," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit Awakened

"Wake up Wabbit wake up!" The voice was insistent and something was tugging on his ear. The Wabbit gradually forced his eyes open. "What, who, where?" gasped the Wabbit. "You were dreaming," said Lovely Lapinette, "and you wouldn’t come to." "But it was so real," spluttered the Wabbit. "The 400 Rabbits captured the Romans, and you were in a most fetching uniform." "It must have been the fur treatment," sighed Lapinette. "How much did you put on?" "I splashed it on all over," said the Wabbit ruefully. "You’re supposed to use it sparingly," said Lapinette. "We hadn’t heard from you. We were worried." "But I radioed for help," said the Wabbit, "and no-one took me seriously." "That was in your dream," sighed Lapinette.  "Oh," said the Wabbit and he thought for a moment. "But what about the Romans?" he asked finally. "Dream," said Lapinette. The Wabbit was tentative. "The 400 Rabbits?" "Dream," said Lapinette. "And your cute uniform?" ventured the Wabbit. "In your dreams," smiled Lapinette. "Well you know what Freud said," stated the Wabbit. "I expect your going to tell me," said Lapinette. "Every dream is an unfulfilled wish," said the Wabbit. "You went on holiday for a rest but unconsciously you wanted excitement," interpreted Lapinette. "OK I suppose," agreed the Wabbit, "but what did you think of the film?" "I can’t possibly know, it was your dream," replied Lapinette, and she waved the fur treatment in front of his nose. "You can be in my dreams if I can be in yours," said the Wabbit. "It’s a deal," said Lapinette. 

8. The Wabbit and the Silver Screen

In a single instant the Wabbit found himself looking down on a massive outdoor cinema screen and he didn’t pause to think why. He knew he was watching a film of his recent adventure, but he didn’t give that a second thought. This was because the Wabbit was very keen on films and where cinemas were concerned he knew exactly what he wanted. Normally he would have sat at the front in the middle, because from that position he could assess whether the projection was just right. It was his custom to look back sternly at the projectionist in his box and then frown until the picture was correctly adjusted to his satisfaction. But now, even from the very back, the Wabbit could see what was required. "Projectionist, projectionist!" he cried, in as loud a voice as he could muster. He thought he could hear a faint squeak from the projection box so he carried on. "It’s a little out of focus, just a bit soft," he yelled. The picture became crisper. "And it’s fuzzy at the edges." The picture sharpened all round. "Slight tilt down at the right," he called. The picture moved into position. "Are you certain your projector is rock steady?" he demanded. "There’s a bit of jump and weave." The picture lost its slight shake and became steady. "Perfect," said the Wabbit and leaned forward to watch - until he became aware of a familiar voice that wasn’t part of the film soundtrack. The voice was coming from beside him and it was getting louder. "Wabbit? Hello! Are you there? Wabbit!" ...