3. The Wabbit & the Roman Invasion

The Wabbit hopped leisurely through the portico of St Paul Outside-the-Walls and, as was his way, felt quite at ease in the imposing structure. But as he hopped he became aware of someone or something watching him. Now the Wabbit’s predisposition for paranoia was well known, but as time passed, he had developed a working relationship and was on rather good terms with the phenomenon. So at first he just twitched his ears and glanced up at the roof and looked around and about. He knew that mosaics could play tricks with the eyes, so he clutched his fur remedy firmly and took in the scene. The Wabbit liked to count the Basilica’s 150 columns as he hopped because he found it soothing  - and he was supposed to be on a relaxing holiday so he did exactly that. But suddenly his fur started to prickle. He had miscounted and that never ever happened. The Wabbit turned his head to see a flash of red and a figure vanishing behind a pillar. "Romans!" thought the Wabbit. The Wabbit was tolerant enough of Romans but this looked like trouble. Certainly he recalled their record with Paul was mixed to say the least. He also knew that Roman soldiers had weapons, which they called "throwables", and he had no intention of getting in their way. He grasped his box closer to his chest. "They’re not getting my fur lotion," thought the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit tends to his Fur

The Wabbit was beginning to enjoy his vacation and decided he needed pampering. So he hopped out of his sanctuary and made his way across the city to a homeopathic pharmacy he knew. It was tucked away in a corner of the Basilica of St Paul Outside-the-Walls and hardly anyone knew it was there. Many visitors came and many visitors went and they all stopped to pay their respects at the tomb of St Paul. But mostly they passed by the little pharmacy without noticing its existence. If the Wabbit knew anything, he knew one thing. He knew that for rabbit fur improvement it was the only place to go in Rome and he went there directly and without deviation. He took bus number 23, got off at Via Ostiense and hopped straight in a little side entrance hidden in the massive wall of the Basilica. It was very quiet as usual and the Wabbit took his time looking all around the pleasant pharmacy. He inspected this and poked that and took things from shelves and looked inside things. Eventually he decided on a fur treatment that was right for rabbits and selected an unassuming white box. It was a little on the expensive side, but because of the special international status of the Basilica he was allowed a diplomatic discount. The Wabbit went to the counter and produced his papers but the shop assistant waved them aside. "Welcome to Rome, Commander Wabbit, are you enjoying your stay?" "I’m having a good fur day!" grinned the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit gets holiday Instructions

It had been a long journey and the Wabbit was rather tired. He had checked in at special hotel run by members of an Order sympathetic to the aspirations of rabbits and he had even received a special rabbit discount. So leaving his small bag for the porter, he hopped through the cloisters. The Wabbit felt a sense of peace descend on his fur. The last mission had, for some reason, left him exhausted so the Wabbit looked forward to a fortnight of complete rest. Lovely Lapinette had been most specific on this matter. "Definitely no adventures!" she had instructed. "Check," the Wabbit remembered replying. "And no thinking of adventures," she had added with a raised paw. "Check!" The Wabbit had responded with vigour. "No carrying adventure paraphernalia in your fur!"  Lapinette had prodded him in the ribs and as the Wabbit said "Check," several items had fallen on the ground, including an automatic, a screwdriver kit, a roll of duct tape and a small emergency coffee pot. The Wabbit recalled Lapinette saying, "You can hang on to the coffee pot," and he felt under his fur to make sure it was still there. "A holiday is not an excuse to be stressed!" Lapinette had hopped up and down waving her paws around. "And you’re not allowed to have a watch!" The Wabbit grinned because he knew there were so many clocks in the street that he didn’t need one. "Checkedy check check check," he had cried and loped off.

8.The Wabbit speaks to the Rabbit Goddess in the Moon

The Big Red Train zoomed along and day turned into night. The Wabbit tucked his puzzle magazine in the seat in front and looked up at the moon. Sometimes he fancied he could really see the Rabbit Goddess in the moon. So he stared and stared and the more he stared, the more she took shape. The Wabbit wasn’t particularly religious, but he was spiritual and if Goddesses spoke to him he was inclined to speak back. This time he chose to speak first. "What’s it all about, Goddess?" he murmured. Although there was no reply, the Wabbit felt the Moon Goddess was waiting. So he waited too and as he waited he started thinking. Then he did something he sometimes did when the situation demanded. He thought about everyone he had ever known. With some he was still in everyday contact and a few of those he considered his friends. Some were long out of touch and he hadn’t the slightest clue what had happened to them. But an increasing number had permanently departed and could never ever return. It was the last group that puzzled the Wabbit and the more he puzzled the harder it became to find an answer. "I know there’s an answer to every puzzle," thought the Wabbit and he instinctively reached for his puzzle book to look at the back and find out. But neither the question nor the answer was in the book. "Wabbit!" The Wabbit heard a soft voice and turned to look up at the moon. "For some puzzles there is no answer," said the Rabbit Goddess.

7. The Wabbit tries Again

The Wabbit resumed his vacation but refused to take the bus. "I’ll take the Big Red Train" he said to himself and he picked out a seat, paid his fare and propelled himself along the platform. It wasn’t that the Wabbit didn’t like having vacations. He just knew that something always happened and he would have to work. He hesitated to call this a busman’s holiday for obvious reasons. The last time he went by bus it took him home and then he had lots and lots to do. "I want to relax," thought the Wabbit. "I want to read a puzzle magazine and figure things out." The Wabbit especially liked complicated puzzles, where the reader had to think through a location, making correct assumptions. It was like real life but without ramifications. The Wabbit hoped his journey would be ramification free.  So he clutched his Settimana Enigmistica to his chest like a talisman. As long as the puzzles stayed inside the magazine, he would have no trouble. "OK," mused the Wabbit. "If you drive the train from Rome to Turin, and 22 people get off at Milan and 2 get in, then the train stops at Bologna and 7 get in and 2 hop off, then another 15 join the train when it stops at Florence, and then after 5 hours the train stops in Rome, what’s the name of the driver?" The Wabbit knew the answer so he giggled and hopped on the train.

6. The Wabbit pays for Lunch

Because he had been forced to intervene in the careful plan to get information from the Hit Rabit, it was incumbent upon the Wabbit to buy lunch. So he chose a rather swishy venue that he thought might impress. And he was absolutely right. Sensing his advantage, he decided to kick off the discussion. "What was that for a sort of adventure?" he asked. "I thought it was turning into a mini-series," laughed Lapinette. "A mini series, that's just the job," said Wabsworth. "My data banks indicate that a mini-series is overdue." "Not soapy enough," smiled the Wabbit. "No melodrama!" "I thought it was a buddy movie," said Lapinette, "in which the female was relegated to the background." "What will you have to eat?" asked the Wabbit, quickly handing Lapinette the menu without prices. "Artichoke roulade," said Lapinette with a smirk. The Wabbit mentally kissed goodbye to a week's wages but felt it worthwhile. "We've been getting letters from the Sombrero Galaxy," said Lapinette. "Oh really?" said the Wabbit. "It's just a scam. Pay no attention." "I expect they're fed up with new people that don't pay their fares," said Wabsworth. "They need to be more tolerant of outsiders," smirked the Wabbit. "Perhaps we can interest them in bio-diversity."  "Bio-diversity is old hat," said Wabsworth. "The notion of the umbrella species has quite put paid to all that tosh." "An umbrella species like us rabbits!" laughed Lapinette. "I prefer flagship species," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Unpaid Fare

Wabsworth hit the red button and hopped back. There was a rumbling and the lift shot up and straight through the roof of the station. "Our cue to leave," said the Wabbit and together they loped up the stairs and down the Via Nizza. "Where’s it going?" shouted Wabsworth. "No need to worry," said the Wabbit. "I want to know," said Wabsworth. "The Sombrero Galaxy," said the Wabbit. "Quantum the Time Travelling Train is waiting to pick him up and deliver him to a suitably hostile planet." "How hostile?" asked Wabsworth. "You ask too many questions for an android," said the Wabbit. "Well what about the station roof?" asked Wabsworth. "The Department will send a cleanup squad. It’ll be fixed by morning." said the Wabbit. "So it’s all settled then," grinned Wabsworth and he dusted his paws. "Except for one small matter," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth looked questioningly. "The small matter of the Hit Rabit's unpaid fare," smiled the Wabbit.  Wabsworth growled a growl that came from somewhere deep inside. "Well someone has to pay it." said the Wabbit. "It was on our shift so it will have to come from your stipend." "I have a stipend?" asked Wabsworth. "We all do," said the Wabbit. "And I have to pay his fare," groaned Wabsworth. "It’s only one euro, 50 cent," said the Wabbit. "So how far is the Sombrero Galaxy?" asked Wabsworth. "It’s approximately 30 million light years away," replied the Wabbit. “I’ll get him," said Wabsworth.

4. The Wabbit & the Hit Rabit in the Lift

The Wabbit and Wabsworth raced down to the platforms and dodged inside a lift pursued by the Hit Rabit. But when he followed they pressed the up button, dodged out again and sped up the stairs to meet the Hit Rabit at the top. The Hit Rabit froze rigid at the back of the lift as the doors opened. "Where’s his weapon?" shouted Wabsworth. The Wabbit grinned a sinister grin. "Inside him," he said quietly. Wabsworth looked puzzled. "Liquid explosive. He’s a Kamikaze Rabit," said the Wabbit. "And please don’t speak too loud. It might set him off." Wabsworth realised why he didn't detect a weapon and he was most annoyed. "Why he is waiting for goodness sake?" asked Wabsworth in an upset tone. "Things haven’t gone to plan for him either," said the Wabbit. "He’s waiting for instructions from a remote source." "We can’t stand here waiting for him to receive instructions," said Wabsworth and he turned to face the frozen Rabit. “Give us information," he said in a soft but menacing voice. But there was no reply. "Be soon!" urged Wabsworth. The Hit Rabit remained silent. Wabsworth turned to the Wabbit. "What does that red button do?" he asked. "Press it and see," said the Wabbit. "It wasn’t there before," said Wabsworth. "I put it there," said the Wabbit. Wabsworth looked with horror. "Do what’s needed," said the Wabbit. "I cannot," said Wabsworth. "He was trying to damage you," said the Wabbit. "All the same ..."  said Wabsworth and his voice trailed off. "He didn’t pay his fare," shrugged the Wabbit. Wabsworth grimaced. "OK then," he said and he lifted his paw ...

3. The Wabbit and the Change of Plan

Wabsworth the Wabbit’s android double liked the Metro. He had already pressed three buttons and as he pushed his ticket through the machine it made a satisfying sound. So he hopped on the escalator and let his sensitive ears measure how far behind him his follower was. "I’ll bet the Hit Rabit doesn’t have a valid ticket," thought Wabsworth and he sneered an enormous sneer at such deceit. He so enjoyed the Metro and was just giving himself an electronic pat on the back when something stopped him in his tracks. Wabsworth was aghast. "Oh no, the plan’s gone wrong!" he thought as he saw the Wabbit coming up the stairs towards him. But the Wabbit signalled to him, put a paw to his lips, did several things with his head and winked. Wabsworth hadn’t a clue what the Wabbit meant so he processed this data again. "Wink means a trick and I’m supposed to know," he thought. The Wabbit smiled and nodded his head and flipped his ears. Wabsworth winked and continued to think. "One jerk up means he knows that Hit Rabit is there," he reasoned. "And a jerk down means carry on down the escalators." So Wabsworth started to hop faster and the Wabbit turned and began to lope down the stairs with enormous speed. Wabsworth didn’t think the Hit Rabit had seen the Wabbit, because his follower had been too busy avoiding his fare. So Wabsworth smiled to himself and thought of a private revenge on the Hit Rabit. "We’ll make him pay double for this affront," he murmured.

2. Wabsworth thinks like the Wabbit

Wabsworth the Wabbit’s android double made it to the Metro without incident and the Hit Rabit followed. "No problems so far," said Wabsworth to himself. "All is going according to plan." But Via Nizza at the railway station end was fur-raising enough on its own and as Wabsworth hopped past signs of urban change that were not in his data banks, he postponed his plan to nod amicably to passers-by. "I need to update the Wabbit on socio-economic matters," he thought. But the big Metro logo was both welcoming and reassuring and Wabsworth paused at the top of the steps to make sure the Hit Rabit knew exactly where he was going. He wondered what kind of weapon the Hit Rabit used, because he his sensors didn’t indicate anything at all and he found that slightly creepy. "Perhaps he’s going to hypnotise me with his menacing eyes," thought Wabsworth and then he giggled, because he was an android and he couldn’t possibly be hypnotised. Wabsworth found it difficult to acknowledge that he wasn’t really the Wabbit. In most respects he felt like the Wabbit and was therefore drawn to do the things the Wabbit would do. This made him want to break the rules. Left to his own devices, he would have preferred to hide behind something, then kick the Hit Rabit onto the railway track as he went past and shout something rude. But he thought better of it, rummaged in his fur for his weekly ticket and hopped on down the steps. "This would be the wrong day to meet a ticket inspector," he thought.

1. Wabsworth, the Wabbit's Double

Wabsworth, the Wabbit's double, hopped purposefully around Piazza Carlo Felice in the hope of being obtrusive - yet not obtrusive enough to arouse suspicion. He felt he was succeeding because some people smiled, some grimaced and some looked straight through him as if he didn't exist. "It must be my super glasses," he thought. Even though Wabsworth was an android, he had particular likes and he was especially fond of his pair of blue glasses. He wondered where the Wabbit had found them. "He came across them in some specialist shop in a far-off land," he murmured as he hopped forth at an ambling pace. He was just allowing himself an android smile when he suddenly felt his fur prickle as he sensed an unwelcome presence. Wabsworth wondered whether the Hit Rabit had taken the bait, so avoiding glancing back, he quickened his pace and headed towards the railway station and the Via Nizza. He had been instructed to lead the Hit Rabit a merry dance, so he zig-zagged in and out of the porticos and pretended to look in the many interesting display cabinets in the arches. "I'll have another look at a future date when things aren't so pressing," he decided and he sped onwards at a fair hop. On his way, Wabsworth wondered many things and he wondered if he wondered too much for an android. He wondered if the Hit Rabit wasn't from out of town. He wondered if maybe he'd been double booked. "I wonder if he needs glasses," wondered Wabsworth.

The Wabbit & the mid-adventure Café

"Just a quick coffee before you start work, you two," said Lapinette and she produced coffees in special cups. "I don't have to do anything except lie low," said the Wabbit. "It's Wabsworth that's doing all the work by attracting attention to himself." "I'll start by walking down Via Nizza and nodding amicably to passers by," said Wabsworth, "and then I shall go down in the metro and press all the buttons on all the machines." "I have to see that," said the Wabbit. "You're forbidden, remember?" said Lapinette. "I could hide," said the Wabbit. "Probably you'll hop straight into the hit Rabit and he'll nail you there and then," said Lapinette. "Not if I nail him first," grinned the Wabbit and he felt in his fur for his automatic." "That's not the plan, just play the part," said Lapinette. "Do you have my automatic, Wabsworth?" asked the Wabbit, who found himself empty-pawed. "I have it," said Lapinette. "Don't you think I should be armed and dangerous?" moaned the Wabbit. "No, just stay here under cover and make coffee," said Lapinette, who was now in desperate need of a coffee. "Well how exactly will you dispose of the hit Rabit?" continued the Wabbit. "Is he to be cast from a tall building or pushed in the path of an express train?" "Neither!" snapped Lapinette. "Oh, how disappointing," said Wabsworth. "Because we need information," explained Lapinette. "Well, I need to play a bigger role," said the Wabbit suddenly. "Relax Wabbit, you're supposed to be on holiday," said Lapinette. "Tell me about it," sighed the Wabbit.

8. The Wabbit and the Four Protocols

The Wabbit and his android double met briefly in a repertory cinema where the Wabbit sometimes hid out. "I can’t keep calling you Android," said the Wabbit. "Robot calls me Wabsworth," said android Wabbit. "OK. Wabsworth it is," stated the Wabbit. "Now what are our protocols?" "Well the first is that obviously we musn’t go round together," said Wabsworth. "Oh drat!" said the Wabbit who had been looking forward to a good conversation with himself. "And the second protocol is that we musn’t exchange coats," said Wabsworth. "Do you know, I never thought of that," said the Wabbit with a malicious glint in his eye. "You Commander, should conform to the third protocol which is to avoid attracting attention." The Wabbit hadn’t a clue how he would manage that one. "Noted!" he said quietly. "Conversely, I will do my best to be seen around and about," muttered Wabsworth. "Are you sure we can’t exchange coats?" asked the Wabbit. "That would defeat the object," replied Wabsworth. "Which is?" said the Wabbit. "To lure the Agent's hit Rabit into making an error and then to eliminate him." "You might get hurt," said the Wabbit. "I’m an android," said Wabsworth, "and can only be damaged." "All the same," said the Wabbit, "you’re a valuable asset." "Oh do you think so?" said Wabsworth with glee. "Yes of course," said the Wabbit. "You’re a credit to the Service and also you have my coat." "Perhaps we could have an aperitivo together after it’s all over," laughed Wabsworth. "That’s the Fourth Protocol," grinned the Wabbit.  

7. The Wabbit meets his Double

Ghost Bunny released the Wabbit and took him to an abandoned café in a little known location south of Turin. "Don’t worry Wabbit. All will be explained." she whispered. "I certainly hope so," said the Wabbit, who was secretly enjoying posing as his long lost cousin.  "Ah there you are Wabbit," said Skratch the Cat. "I expect you’re wondering what this is all about." "I’m just a cousin and don’t know much," said the Wabbit with a shrug. “We had to bring you back from Rome without alerting the wicked Agents of Rabit," said Skratch. "The Agents have placed a price upon your head and hired an out-of-town hit Rabit to despatch you without further ado." "Well," said the Wabbit. "I hope the price was right." "A King’s ransom," said Skratch, "and thats why we arranged this double to throw them off the scent." The Wabbit looked at his double. "Nice coat," said the Wabbit. "I’m afraid we had to give him your spare one,"  said Skratch. "And we programmed him to be just like you," said Robot with a smile. "Programmed?" shouted the Wabbit. "You mean this Wabbit double is an android!" "I’m the Wabbit’s double," announced the android Wabbit. "Be quiet you!" said the Wabbit. "Quiet is, as quiet does," said the android Wabbit annoyingly. "Are you sure about his circuitry?" sighed the Wabbit, hopping up and down. "He's got a state-of-the-art positronic memory." said Robot. "Oh really," said the Wabbit with exasperation and he addressed the android Wabbit sternly. "OK, Mr Bunny. Do you have a plan?" "I’m the Wabbit’s stubble," replied the android Wabbit. "He’ll do!" said the Wabbit. 

6. The Wabbit sings in his Cell

Locked in the Old Abandoned Garage, the Wabbit hopped around to see what he could see. But the Wabbit had an acute sense of paranoia which sometimes gave him an edge. And the more the Wabbit hopped, the more paranoid he became. "I'm having an Extreme Vacation," he thought, "and that’s very fishy indeed." He started to reckon the odds and the odds looked wild. This brought the Wabbit a sense of calm. "It's all a set-up," mused the Wabbit with a smile and he picked up a  guitar that had been left in a corner. "They showed me the instruments so I’d better play," he decided. The Wabbit strummed, picked out a few notes and began to sing the blues. "I took me a mystery tour, it was the road to hell. Took me a mystery tour, it was the road to hell." The Wabbit stopped, thought for a moment, then continued. "Now I’m a sad and lonely Wabbit," he sang, "stuck in an old prison cell." The Wabbit strummed and tried to figure things out. He wondered if anyone was listening, but he’d played for sympathy and nothing had happened. So he shuffled up the rhythm and ground out something heavier. "Wabbit please don’t go! Oh Wabbit please don’t go!" he yelled. "Down to Torino. Oh Wabbit please don’t go!" His voice echoed in the empty garage and melted into a silence that seemed to last forever. Then the Wabbit heard whispering. "Pssst. Pssst Wabbit!" He looked round and spotted  Ghost Bunny hiding behind a pile of old discs. “Eek, a ghost!” shouted the Wabbit. “Oh stop it Wabbit, I’ve come to get you out of here," breathed Ghost Bunny.