The Wabbit and the Quiet Birthday

It was the Wabbit’s birthday and he crept out early for some peace and quiet. To fool everyone, he took Franco’s jeep instead of his own and he was merrily bowling along singing a favourite song, when his radio crackled. "Sweet Wabbit, Happy Birthday! Where are you?" said Lapinette. "Bowling merrily along," said the Wabbit. "Lovely," said Lapinette, "do have fun. Don’t forget your official function and to pick up your cloak from the laundry." The Wabbit’s ears stood on end and he felt in his fur for the ticket. For a moment all was quiet and the Wabbit sniffed the sea breeze. Suddenly another voice broke in. "Commander, someone’s stolen my jeep," said Franco. "I have it Franco," said the Wabbit. "That’s a relief on your birthday Sir," said Franco and he signed off. The Wabbit was just about to turn on his FM radio when the handset crackled again. "Wabbit, happy birthday," said Puma. "It’s about my adventures, I need to play a bigger role," "Later Puma," said the Wabbit and turned up the dial to hear Fabio Treves on Wablantis Radio. But the music stopped and another voice cut in. "Happy birthday," said Snail. “I was wondering whether you have my screwdriver kit." "In the shed," said the Wabbit and he turned Wablantis up higher. But his handset crackled yet again. "Woooooh!" said a ghostly voice. "Oh hello Ghost Bunny. What can I do for you?" "Enjoying your birthday?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Yes, I’m out for a quiet drive," said the Wabbit. "I made a radio request for you," said Ghost Bunny, "and they’re playing it now." The Wabbit turned the radio up full blast. It was BB King singing Happy Birthday Blues and the Wabbit grinned with all of his 28 teeth and sang along.

The Wabbit's after-adventure Discussion

The gang gathered at the Railway Arch Café and Snail was, as usual, the last to arrive. The Wabbit knew this had nothing to do with being slow. It was all about making an entrance. "How’s your belly off for slime?" he said to Snail, just to bring him down to earth. "Excellent," said Snail. "I see you’re whatever size is normal for you today." So the Wabbit gave up trying to get the better of Snail and asked everyone what sort of adventure they thought they'd had. "It was rather Low Budget," said Lapinette with a smile, because she thought that might annoy the Wabbit - and then she dug him in the ribs so that he knew to be annoyed. "That’s not of itself a genre," said the Wabbit. "It's more of an approach." Robot chimed in with an electronic yet resonant voice. "It was a low budget, science fiction remake with contemporary references," he said.  "Oh all that football stuff," said Snail.  "That football stuff as you call it, was perfect," said Robot. "And it was a reminder of the days when football was more than over-strategised set pieces executed by automatons." There was a long silence because everyone knew Robot was right. Lapinette changed the subject. "Wabbit you didn’t fulfil your part of the deal with the Swarm," she said. "Oh but I did," said the Wabbit. "The Swarm now has all the football data from 1871." "Just statistics?" asked Lapinette. "And damned lies," quoted the Wabbit gleefully.

6. The Wabbit and the Holodeck Suite

The Wabbit's hour of shrunkennness was up. Suddenly he found himself normalised but in a most unfamiliar location and looking directly at Robot. The Wabbit could say just one word. "Where?" he uttered in a voice that began as a squeak and ended as a roar. "Don't worry Wabbit. Have you got the data?" said Robot. "I certainly have and you've no idea what a pesky task it was," grumbled the Wabbit. Robot took the ceramic memory stack and inserted it into a port in his front. "So where is this?" said the Wabbit again in a more affable tone. "This is the Holodeck suite," replied Robot as if there had always been one. "How did it get here," asked the Wabbit. "I requisitioned it," said Robot. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his forehead. "Who signed?" he said simply. "Lapinette, Commander," "Oh good," said the Wabbit and he smiled and clapped his paws. "At least it wasn't me." Robot remained silent as he wrote data to his memory and then he nodded sagely. "Excellent data. Now I can begin work on the problem in hand." The Wabbit did not care to admit that he neither knew what the data was nor was he sure of the exact nature of the problem in hand. "Yes," he said, "that will sort the matter out entirely." "The Agents of Rabit will rue the day that I asked for this data," said Robot. "Of course," said the Wabbit and he looked all around. "Who's that woman?" he asked finally. "I really don't know," said Robot, "she came with the Holodeck." "Well, where did you get the Holodeck?" murmured the Wabbit." "e-Bay," said Robot.

5. The Wabbit and the Soccer Ball Virus

The Wabbit’s paw touched the Wabitron drive and made up a circuit with his ceramic stack memory card. He suddenly glowed bright green and electronic spheres flew hither and thither. The Wabbit called these spheres Score Kalm and they were a computer virus he had developed in his shed especially to fight the Agents of Rabit. But the spheres captivated the Swarm and it became quiet. So the Wabbit began a rhythmic chant, consisting entirely of football scores that the Swarm found soothing. "Accrington Stanley, one,"  he crooned and stopped for a while. The Swarm waited expectantly. "Hamilton Academicals, one," said the Wabbit calmly. The Swarm started to settle and as they did, the Wabbit's lost data began to write to his ceramic disk and he grinned. "Hertha Berlin, three," said the Wabbit in an ascending voice, then paused for a lengthy period. A small sigh rose from the Swarm. "Moscow Dynamo, two," he said gravely. More of the Swarm settled and their chips yielded an increasing amount of data to the Wabbit's memory card. "Red Star Belgrade, nil" announced the Wabbit and waited. The Swarm sank lower and all the creatures looked up. As the Swarm fluttered to the bottom of the computer, the Wabbit could see that he had nearly all the data he needed. "San Jose Earthquakes, nil," said the Wabbit sternly. The Swarm was completely inert. "And that was the end of World Football," announced the Wabbit. Tucking his ceramic memory card in his fur, he made for a nearby ventilation grille in the back of the computer and hopped quickly away. 

4. The Wabbit and the Wabitron Drive

The Wabbit backed away as the Swarm advanced. But from the corner of his eye he saw something appear at the back of the old computer. He knew the Swarm of chip creatures hadn’t noticed, because it was much to intent on menacing the Wabbit. So he waved a paw and spoke loudly. “Perhaps we can do a deal for the data?" he said. "The Swarm does no deals," said the largest of the Chip Creatures. “Everyone does deals," said the Wabbit. "It's really quite the thing."  “State your case then," said the creature. "Behind me," said the Wabbit waving his paw, "is the Wabitron 3000 vortex hyper drive, which you may access in exchange for giving me our lost data." "What’s in it for us?" asked several members of the Swarm. "All soccer data from 1871," lied the Wabbit, because he was making it up as he went along. "And there's all you could possibly require," he added. "Goals for and against, corners, direct and indirect free kicks, fouls and penalties." There was a murmuring of interest from the Swarm. "Why don’t we just take it and assimilate you anyway?" said the leader of the Swarm. "Because the Wabitron Drive isn’t backwards compatible," said the Wabbit thinking quickly. "So?" said the leader. "You chips will fry," said the Wabbit flippantly. “Exactly what data is it you want from us?" asked the leader. "That," said the Wabbit," is for you to know and me to find out." The Swarm gathered for a confused discussion and the Wabbit knew he had bought some time. So he fished inside his fur for a ceramic chip stack SD card from one of his experiments ...

3. The Wabbit and the Data Swarm

The Wabbit hopped inside the old computer and hadn't been there for more than a minute when he heard a sound that was midway between a droning and a humming. Without warning, yellow winged creatures poured like bats from a hidden corner and then flapped around. The Wabbit's well-known antipathy for winged things surfaced immediately and he hopped from one foot to another. "Oh why did it have to be winged things? Why not snakes for instance?" he appealed to no-one in particular. But the swarm was heading directly for the Wabbit with little respect for his sensibilities. "Produce your data now!" cried the lead creature. "I come in peace," said the Wabbit, quietly feeling under his fur for his automatic. "We are the Data Swarm, we need data," said the lead creature. "I seem to have left all my data in my other coat," said the Wabbit, patting his fur. "Give us data!" they cried and they hummed and droned loudly. The Wabbit spoke the first thing that came into his head. "Torino Football Club was promoted to Serie A after a 3 year absence," he said with a smile. "That's good data," said a creature at the rear and the winged ones droned for a while as they assimilated the new information. "I'm looking for lost data," ventured the Wabbit. "We take data, we don't give it away," snarled the chief creature. "Give me back my data!" yelled the Wabbit suddenly. "You will be assimilated along with all your soccer knowledge," threatened the creature. "You'll be rather disappointed" said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit's quest for the Lost Data

The Wabbit got smaller and smaller and found himself in a strange place which appeared to be under the floor. "It's grubby down here," grumbled the Wabbit. The Wabbit grumbled if he didn’t understand things and he was apt to complain bitterly and at length to himself – because usually there was no one else nearby to listen to his complaints. He looked all around anyway and he couldn't help but notice a large box which, on inspection, was fairly recognisable. "It’s an old computer," said the Wabbit with distaste. He looked at it disparagingly because he knew that it was incapable of supporting one of his lists far less a sophisticated program like ListWrite Lite. "The lost data must be in there," he thought, "otherwise I wouldn’t be here." The Wabbit paused to agree with himself, which he very often did. But when he agreed with himself, his ears would tilt back and then suddenly forward in a manner that some found disturbing. So the Wabbit tried not to agree with himself too much in public. "I suppose I’ll have to examine the interior," thought the Wabbit, "and see if there’s any lost data lying around." The Wabbit fished around in his fur for a crosshead screwdriver that he had bought cheaply in a market near the Big White Hospital and poked the side of the computer. In the Wabbit's head there lurked an entertaining idea that he would find a compartment clearly marked Lost Data, just inside the casing. He would then quickly unbolt it and make off. "If only life could be like that," thought the Wabbit and he patiently set to work.

1. The Wabbit and the Fantastic Mission

The Wabbit was at his laptop attending to his lists - a task for which he had tried several systems. Usually he tried to have umpteen windows open and exchange items at will. But on this occasion he had decided to download a program called ListWrite Light. This had proved colourful yet less than helpful. He now had the exactly the same lists but they were prettier. "Grrr," thought the Wabbit and he jabbed furiously at the laptop keys and tried to uninstall the program. But just at that very moment the Snail Phone rang and the Wabbit grabbed it with a paw. "Oh, hello Snail," said the Wabbit brightly, muttering, "make it quick!" under his breath. "I heard you," said Snail. The Wabbit had forgotten that the Snail Phone was a sensitive device that could hear his thoughts and he silently cursed the new technology that he and Big Blue Snail had developed in a shed. "We cannot fly in the face of change," said Snail. "I suppose not," said the Wabbit, “so what’s new, what’s true?" "I'm relaying a secret message from the Department. Your mission is to retrieve some lost data and for that you must be miniaturised." "I’m a wabbit not a scale model," said the Wabbit. "Prepare to download the program," sighed Snail, "and I’ll be seeing you." The Wabbit's paws started to vibrate and he watched as his laptop got bigger and bigger. "It's not the laptop, it’s you," said Snail's voice from the phone. "I don’t want to be miniaturised," said the Wabbit. "It’s just for an hour," said Snail. "Not even for a second," yelled the Wabbit. "Honey I shrunk the Wabbit," smiled Snail and the line went dead.

The Wabbits make an Emergency Earthquake Appeal

"Many animals are suffering because of the earthquake in Emilia Romagna," said the Wabbit. "Please help by making a donation to ENPA, National Animal Protection," said Lovely Lapinette. "Here's the ENPA statement," said the Wabbit.

• L’Enpa (Ente nazionale protezione animali) e’ pronto a inviare verso l’Emilia-Romagna ‘Isotta’, il mezzo di soccorso per le gravi emergenze veterinarie. “Una missione a 360° per supportare con cibo, medicinali e sostegno psicologico gli animali coinvolti nel sisma, vedendo a fianco dei veterinari la presenza anche di comportamentisti, fondamentali per aiutare gli animali a superare il trauma causato da questo terribile terremoto.
• ENPA (National animal protection) is ready to send relief to the Emilia-Romagna Isolde for several veterinary agencies. It's a 360 ° mission to give food, medical and emotional support for animals involved in the earthquake. Being at the side of veterinary activists is essential in helping our animals to overcome the trauma caused by this terrible earthquake. 

If you need any help with Italian in the donation form, just talk to the Wabbit who is @followthewabbit on Twitter or at Facebook - click on the Facebook link at the top right of the page. Or you can speak with @LovelyLapinette on Twitter!

The Wabbit & the After Adventure Cafe

It was an exhilarating adventure and even though they had enjoyed it, they were glad to be back. Skratch the Cat Burglar crossed his legs and settled in his chair. "I'm almost afraid to ask what kind of adventure you had." "Surely not, Skratch!"said the Wabbit smiling. "You had us all a little worried," said Skratch, "especially when you didn't show up for the Carrot Club meeting." "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "that'll take some explaining." They all chuckled because they knew the Wabbit seldom missed a meeting of the Carrot Club and when he did there was a lengthy inquest. "Well I think the adventure was mostly scientific," said Ghost Bunny, "with more than a touch of mysticism." "Science and magic don't mix," said Lapinette with a frown. "Quite right," said Skratch. "Genre is not to be treated in a flippant way for the purpose of idle entertainment." "Not so," said Ghost Bunny. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Skratch, than are dreamed of in your literary criticism classes." "Like ghosts," said the Wabbit. "Like ghosts," said Ghost Bunny and she paused for a minute. "In terms of quantum mechanics, the past isn't dead, it's not even past." she breathed. "That's William Faulkner," said Lapinette, "Pretty rich for a modernist," said Skratch. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit. "Wabbit you should never have sent Skratch to that night class." "I didn't," said the Wabbit. "I took him," said Ghost Bunny.

7. The Wabbit and the Surprising Return

"Ghost Bunny?" queried Lapinette. "We’re back," wailed Ghost Bunny. "Hello! Welcome home," shouted Skratch. "How did you know where to find us?" said Lapinette.  "I saw it in a dream," purred Skratch. "A small white rabbit with a big book appeared and advised me to go to the Motor Museum, where I would find something to my advantage." "That would be me," called the Wabbit.  Skratch watched the Wabbit carefully and addressed Lapinette. "The Wabbit’s to my advantage?" he asked. "I am," said the Wabbit. Skratch snorted but then he smiled and his tail quivered. "Where is he going?" said Lapinette to Ghost Bunny quietly. "I’m going to look over a Bugatti," said the Wabbit. "I think that trip went to his head," whispered Lapinette. "No, no," called the Wabbit and he climbed onwards. "It’s all in the book!” he muttered, but everyone heard him even though it was under his breath. "That book is all advanced mathematics," said Lapinette. "Indeed!" cried the Wabbit. "This is one of many possible worlds and in every possible world there’s always a Motor Museum." "He’s winding us up," said Skratch. "He does that," said Lapinette. "It’s his way," said Ghost Bunny fondly. "It would be nice if his way met our way from time to time," said Lapinette. "Then he wouldn’t be the Wabbit," said Skratch. "Come on everyone, there’s a great snack bar nearby," called the Wabbit. "His way just met my way," said Lapinette. "And mine," said Skratch. "I therefore suggest we follow the Wabbit," said Ghost Bunny. So they did.

6. The Wabbit and the Alchemy Chant

Ghost Bunny suddenly inflated to twice her normal size and the playing cards assembled and span around in her glow. As she chanted, the small white rabbits paired and tripled, joined with the cards and rotated quickly. "What’s she chanting?" asked the Wabbit. "The Fibonacci Sequence," said Lapinette. "We’ll be here for weeks!" said the Wabbit. But he heard  Ghost Bunny’s tone alter and his ears pricked back as she muttered a rapid incantation. "Dublin, Turin, Potsdam, Rome;  Lucas, Cullen, Wostenholme; We beg the ghost of David Bohm; to find the holes and bring us home,” she sang. "That’s rather good," said the Wabbit, "and quite catchy," "Shh Wabbit there’s more," said Lapinette. Ghost Bunny made a phantasmic gesture and glowed brightly. "Unfolded orders, one two three; counter-factuality; So what’s the probability? Of us being home in time for  tea," she sang. The cards and the rabbits span faster and faster until they merged in a frantic blur. The Wabbit shook his head. "I’d rather have an aperitivo,"  he said. "I agree,” agreed Lapinette. “Do you think Ghost Bunny needs any help?” asked the Wabbit. "It coudn’t hurt," said Lapinette. The Wabbit cleared his throat. "There’s nothing much you get for free; in quantum non-locality," he rhymed. "If truth is that, which is the case; We’d rather be in just one place," said Lapinette. And as she said "place", there was a loud crack and the cards and the rabbits collapsed into a single point and vanished.

5. The Wabbit and the Fibonacci Hole.

Lapinette and the Wabbit looked up to see the approach of a ghostly object. "It's Ghost Bunny!" cried Lapinette with delight. "Where have you been?" said Ghost Bunny in alarm. "We've only been away a minute," said the Wabbit. "You've been gone three weeks," said Ghost Bunny. "Everyone's been looking for you." "Well, it's good to be missed," said the Wabbit cheerfully. "It's no joking matter, Wabbit," said Ghost Bunny sternly." You're trapped in a Fibonacci sequence and you must leave immediately before you're stuck until it ends." "What's the end of the sequence?" said the Wabbit. "It's thought to be infinite," said Lapinette with alarm. "It just keeps going, like us," joked the Wabbit. "This is no time for your particular brand of misplaced humour, Commander," said Ghost Bunny. "You must find the hole in the sequence that releases you and quickly." "I'm not really sure what that number could be," said Lapinette and she thought for a bit and pulled her ears. "Maybe a self initialising quadratic sieve might do the trick?" The Wabbit rummaged in his fur. "Do you have one?" asked Lapinete. "No," said the Wabbit "I'm looking for something else." He delved long and deep took out a small paper slip. "Let's try 22223224462942044552973989346190996720666693909649976499097960" "What in Pluto is that?" asked Ghost Bunny. "It's my membership number in the Carrot Club," said the Wabbit. A sudden sharp wind froze them to the marrow. Then even Ghost Bunny's fur ruffled as the cards lifted one by one and blew all around.

4. The Wabbit and the Jolly Joker

Suddenly the scene changed and the Wabbit and Lapinette found themselves behind a gravestone watching a different white rabbit hop towards them. "Another one," muttered the Wabbit who was beginning to get used to more and more rabbits. “Hop white rabbit, hop hop!” shouted the white rabbit and with a flick of his paw he threw several playing cards in the air. Lapinette and the Wabbit gazed at the cards that were now dancing a merry jig. The Wabbit thought for a moment then smiled. "Pick any card," he said to Lapinette, "but don’t let me see it." The Wabbit shut his eyes very tightly indeed and Lapinette put out a paw and grabbed the three of diamonds. "OK, tell me what it is," sighed Lapinette. "It's the three of diamonds," said the Wabbit quickly. "Oh!" sulked Lapinette and she looked at the Wabbit with a look she reserved for his magic tricks, because she knew that Wabbit could perform quite a few that he had learned from a book. He would take it upon himself to entertain guests at social gatherings and usually she chose that very moment to have an urgent appointment elsewhere. "It’s not a trick," said the Wabbit. "It’s the Fibonacci Sequence." "Then where,” asked Lapinette, "does that card fit?" She pointed to to the hopping rabbit and the Wabbit looked at him and then at the card the white rabbit had kept to himself. "That's a jolly joker," said the Wabbit. "It can fit anywhere." "Like us," smiled Lapinette. "Up to a point," smiled the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit and Schrödinger's Rabbits

As soon as Lapinette mentioned the word  “rabbits”, both she and the Wabbit shot into the air.  "Whooooah!" said the Wabbit. "Woooooooh!" said Lapinette and she struggled to get the Wabbit’s automatic out of her frock. They both started to drift around and Lapinette's arms detached from her body and whirled too. "Over there!" gasped the Wabbit and gestured as best he could at two white rabbits sitting on a gravestone. The rabbits were having a discussion about quantum sequences and although they seemed to notice Lapinette and the Wabbit they merely continued their discussion in an animated manner. The Wabbit caught vague terms like asymptotic, fans, arcs, retracement and time extension and they all seemed to whirl around his head. But when Lapinette heard them say "time extension", something made her uneasy and she tried to fire an alarm shot in the air with her automatic. The rabbits looked across as the automatic made a soft plopping and equations issued from the barrel. They nodded sagely and murmured about the implicate order. "Hello rabbits,"  said the Wabbit as best he could. "We are only one rabbit,"  said both rabbits at once. "What’s your name?" asked Lapinette in a warbly voice. "I am Schrödinger," said one. "No, I am Schrödinger," said the other. "I’m confused," said the Wabbit. "There’s a simple explanation," said Lapinette suddenly. "When everything is eliminated, the remaining explanation no matter how bizarre is the case." "That's true," said the Wabbit as if he knew already. "The rabbits are here and not here at the same time," said Lapinette. "So what about us?" said the Wabbit. "Us too," said Lapinette.