5, The Wabbit and the Big Crossbow

"Where did you get a giant crossbow?" asked the Wabbit. "Requisition!" said both Lapinette and Ghost Bunny at once. The Wabbit was none the wiser but ploughed on. "Won't the Ice Mice notice the Crossbow?" he asked. "Oh yes, that's half the fun," said Ghost Bunny. "They'll see it but they won't believe it." Everyone nodded and looked the Crossbow up and down. "All right, let's see if we have this corrrect," interrupted the Wabbit. "Ghost Bunny, the Cooling Tower has been modified into a Quantum Compressor?" "Crushedy, crushedy," said Ghost Bunny. Lapinette thought that Ghost Bunny was definitely spending too much time with the Wabbit. "The craft are dawn inexorably into the Cooling Tower and we lob these disks in after them," she said. "What's in the disks now?" asked the Wabbit. "Soot," said Ghost Bunny. "We're very low-tech today," observed the Wabbit. "Retro, Commander," replied Ghost Bunny. "but their weapons will become ineffective." "And the mice?" asked the Wabbit. "Small," said Ghost Bunny. "Tiny," said Lapinette. "Miniscule?" suggested the Wabbit. "No, not that small," said Lapinette. "And then what do we do?" said the Wabbit. "I don't know, that's your department," said Lapinette. "Recycle?" said Ghost Bunny. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we'll let the fellows at the recycling plant sort it out." "No Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette. "We'll send them back from whence they came!" "What's their address?" asked the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the Secret Meeting

The Wabbit gathered with his close associates in a secret location to discuss the peril of the Ice Mice. "OK everyone," said the Wabbit. For a while he poked the stolen disk with a collapsible mono pod that he kept in his fur. "Ghost Bunny! What do you hear? What do you say?" rapped the Wabbit suddenly. "Don't poke the disk, Wabbit. It's a weather weapon," murmured Ghost Bunny in the Wabbit's ear. "You don't say?" said the Wabbit, rolling the disk back and forward. "Wabbit, that is an Active Ice Underground Tool - or AIUTO if you will," explained Ghost Bunny. "Help!" smiled Lapinette. "Got it!" said the Wabbit. "Look Skratch, these flying saucers. What's the word in the Turin porticos and pasticceri?" "They think a film crew is making a movie," said Skratch quickly. "There's a rumour that it's called the Italian Job in Space." "I hate remakes," said the Wabbit. Everyone shook their heads sadly. "Now Lapinette," said the Wabbit. "I need good ideas quickly." "Give them a taste of their own weather," said Lapinette. "and turn their weapons against them." "The disks are rather unstable. It's a bad idea," said Ghost Bunny solemnly. "Has anyone got a worse one?" asked the Wabbit. Everyone looked puzzled and in the confusion the Wabbit took the opportunity to enforce his choice. "We'll run with Lapinette's idea," he said. "Ghost Bunny, I need reverse disks and plenty of them." "Right away, Commander," sighed Ghost Bunny.  "When do we start?" said Lapinette. "Immediately," said the Wabbit, "weather permitting."

3. The Wabbit gets some Help

The Wabbit avoided the fire from the air and made it to the heart of the city, but still the strange craft of the Ice Mice hovered high above and the Wabbit could plainly be seen through the gaps made by public works. "Accursed developers!" muttered the Wabbit and he made for the back of the Big New Station. But he could hear a familiar voice above the sounds of the city. "Wabbit! Over here, Wabbit!" The Wabbit glanced round and caught whatever was spiraling towards him. He didn't quite remember taking aim and he certainly doesn't recall squeezing the trigger. But there was a blast of such magnitude that windows in nearby buildings shook themselves from their frames and crashed to the ground. When the explosion died away, there was a dead silence and then with an awful creaking, the craft slowly tilted and sank from the sky. The Wabbit looked at Skratch. "I'm glad to see you my friend. New coat?" he smiled. "Your requisition," said Skratch. "Really? said the Wabbit, who had indeed signed the paperwork without optimism. "And the Snaser?" he asked, stroking it. "Improved," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit. Skratch grinned a big grin but then frowned. "What about these interlopers?" he asked, pointing a wary paw to the sky. The Wabbit saw five more vessels headed their way. "Do you know something Skratch?" he said. Skratch tilted his head enquiringly. "Just for a moment there I thought we were in trouble." said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit stays on the Road

With the strange craft behind him, the Wabbit took off at speed. He knew the terrain but the craft had the advantage of height and could see everywhere the Wabbit went. So the Wabbit thought he may as well keep to the road and he dodged right and left to avoid the crackling beams that threatened to slice through his fur. "Keep right on to the end of the road," hummed the Wabbit to give himself company. It seemed to work, and he was able to quicken his pace and hum some more. "Though your heart be strong and the road be long, keep right on round the bend!" he hummed. The beams looked hot from a distance but when they came close the Wabbit felt an icy chill and he shivered. "I need to find cover and lose this annoying fellow," thought the Wabbit. "Cover, cover, cover. Where, where, where?" he asked himself. At the same time, the Wabbit was wondering why the Ice Mice had returned so close to his location. On their last encounter he and Ghost Bunny had given them a trouncing that they no doubt remembered. But there was something else. It was such an obvious something else that it completely eluded him. The Wabbit shoved this thought to the back of his mind, which was fairly capacious. "This is too countrified," thought the Wabbit. "I need the nooks and crannies of the city." "And controlled air space," said a voice from the back of his mind. The Wabbit made a left turn and headed for the depths of the city where he knew he belonged.

1. The Wabbit & the Return of the Ice Mice

It was only by chance that the Wabbit was passing the Old Abandoned Laundry. He had just popped through the derelict gates to see if there was anything to see, when a shadow passed over him and he looked up to see a familiar craft. "Ice Mice!" he hissed and he crouched behind an old rusty tank. "I thought they had departed for a distant galaxy," mused the Wabbit. The Ice Mice either didn't see the Wabbit or ignored him, because they were intent on their task. They worked industriously to harvest the disks that fell from their craft and then bore them around with feverish haste. The Wabbit tried to work out what the disks were. They glowed, but not always. Some were bigger, some smaller. Some seemed heavier than others and they all made a sonorous ringing if dropped. The Wabbit could do little on his own, but he saw that one disk had rolled close and he wondered if he could reach it. He stretched and stretched - but it was just out of his grasp and when he nearly had it in his paw, it rolled slightly further way. "Accursed thing!" muttered the Wabbit under his breath. But under his breath was not low enough for the sharp ears of one Ice Mouse and it looked over at the Wabbit and squealed. All the Ice Mice turned to look. "Time to go!" thought the Wabbit and he grabbed the disk, tucked it into his fur and loped for the gate. The Wabbit outpaced the Ice Mice easily, but from the corner of his eye he could see the strange craft close its bay doors and move in his direction.

The Wabbit and the Shopping Joke

"Why are we here?" asked Lapinette." "We're shopping," said the Wabbit. "What on earth for?" asked Lapinette. "I'm not exactly sure. I'll know it when I see it," replied the Wabbit. "This shop is full of not very useful things," said Lapinette. "Ah," said the Wabbit with a look that he adopted when he thought he knew better than everyone else. "They don't look useful now but later we might need something that we didn't buy when we had the opportunity." "Like what?" scoffed Lapinette. "Small bags of unusual dimensions," said the Wabbit. "And things for removing things from other things." "Which would then fit into an unusually shaped bag?" suggested Lapinette. "Exactly," said the Wabbit. Silence fell, but not for long. "I haven't forgotten that shopping remark," said Lapinette. "Oh, which one? I've quite lost track," said the Wabbit, knowing what was coming next. "When we were in the supermarket about to fight those dangerous GM Skarrots," said Lapinette, "you went off and said that I should shop while I waited for you to come back." "That was a complimentary reference to your marvellous ability to multi-task," said the Wabbit, hoping for the best. "Well, I'd like to see you shop and fight off the wicked Agents of Rabit at the same time," said Lapinette. "No problem," said the Wabbit. "Well what would you shop for?" said Lapinette. "Bullets!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and his Thoughts

The three were in contemplative mood as they stopped on the stairs on the way home from a restaurant. Lapinette was thinking. She knew that the Wabbit adored Ghost Bunny and that his adoration was reciprocated. But she had no particular worries on that score because she knew the Wabbit and all his ways rather well. She knew that she tolerated many of the Wabbit's wilder idiosyncrasies, because she loved him and that was that. No-one else could know the Wabbit like Lapinette and so Lapinette smiled a satisfied smile. At the same time Ghost Bunny was also thinking. She knew that Lapinette knew she adored the Wabbit. But at the same time, Ghost Bunny was completely in awe of Lapinette. Ghost Bunny knew her own education and experience was at least the equal of Lapinette's. But even with Ghost Bunny's specialisation in Lacanian psychoanalysis, Lapinette represented something lovely to her that she couldn't quite fathom. Both quietly smiled to themselves. The Wabbit was also gently musing to himself but of all these thoughts he was blissfully unaware. In the depths of the Wabbit's imagination, Ghost Bunny and Lapinette had been locked in a staring competition for 48 hours. Neither would give up and their eyes were unflinching. The Wabbit let his mind drift and as it wandered, he saw himself creeping up quietly and unseen behind both of them. But just as he was about to burst a large paper bag, a voice shattered his reverie. "What are you thinking?" said Lapinette. "Nothing!" uttered the Wabbit. 

The Wabbits and the Mayday Fur

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette had been sent on a special mission far away. Their role was to offer help and support to everyone involved in the fight against cruel fur farming. The day was wet and cold when they arrived outside the Ministry of Agriculture. But even though they shivered in the wind, their hearts were warm so they didn't care. "Shouldn't we shout slogans?" asked Lapinette. But the Wabbit could only think of old ones from the old days. "¡No Pasarán!" he shouted. "That's over and done with," said Lapinette. "I rather doubt that," said the Wabbit. "What about ... fur belongs to the animal who wore it first?" said Lapinette. "That's very nice but hardly snappy," said the Wabbit and he had a good think. "I've got one," he said suddenly. "The stage is yours," said Lapinette. "There's no excuse!" shouted the Wabbit. "For animal abuse!" yelled Lapinette. They shouted the slogan back and forward, but after a while they needed a change. "Farmed fur doesn't keep you warm," shouted the Wabbit. "Give a hoot, give fur the boot," yelled Lapinette. "Oh, I do like that one," said the Wabbit and he stamped on the ground. "No-one really needs a fur coat," said Lapinette, "except wabbits and other animals." "Leonardo da Vinci would have agreed," said the Wabbit who had been reading up. "He may have been the first animal rights activist." What about St Francis of Assisi?" said Lapinette. "Leonardo has the edge," grinned the Wabbit. "Hoppy Mayday everyone!" smiled Lapinette.
[The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette ask Simon Coveney TD, Ireland Minister for Agriculture, to follow the lead of Scotland, Wales, England, Austria and Croatia in banning fur farming.]

The Wabbit and the Wyatt Earp Snail

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had ordered three carrot aperitivi because Big Blue Snail was going to drop by for the customary after-adventure meeting. "Howdy folks!" said Snail. "You're new in town ain't ya?" "No we're not," said the Wabbit, "we're very old in town." Lapinette knew Snail wanted to play, so she frowned at the Wabbit and played along. "You've got big broad shoulders Marshall Snail, but it'll take more than shoulders to clean up the town," she said. Suddenly the Wabbit got it and started to drawl. "This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere, Marshall, it don't matter none whether it's clean." Snail snorted and his hat balanced precariously on his antennae. "How does a Snail get to be a Marshall anyhows?" said Lapinette. "A Snail's gotta stop sliding around," said Snail. "A Snail's gotta stay in one place and protect his roots." The Wabbit smiled at Snail and turned to Lapinette. "What time is it lady?" he asked. "About ten past three," she replied. "Then where's the three ten to Youghal?" said the Wabbit. "Runnin' late I suppose," said Lapinette. "Silly trains," said the Wabbit, "you can't rely on 'em." By this time Lapinette felt she had more than enough. "I'm not going to ask what kind of adventure it was," she said suddenly. "No," said the Wabbit. "Every time Snail joins an adventure, it's a Western." "Nothing's too good for the Snail that nailed the Skarrots," smiled Lapinette. "You can say that again," said the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbits round 'em Up

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette herded the greened Skarrots safely into an enclosure and breathed a sigh of relief. "No more GM monster Skarrots," said the Wabbit. "Carrots are now safely nutritious for all," said Snail, who liked a well-cultivated carrot or two. "How shall we proceed?" asked Lapinette. "No recent orders," said the Wabbit, "so there’s only one thing to do." "What’s that?" asked Snail. The Wabbit swung his whip twice. It snapped and cracked in the air and the Skarrots cringed back. "Move them, move them, move them," he sang. "Though we disapprove them," trilled Lapinette in reply. "Keep them Skarrots movin', Rawhide!" bellowed the Wabbit. "Don’t try to comprehend them, just dice and chop and bend 'em," sang Snail, "soon we will herd them out of sight,"  "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on. Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide!" sang the Wabbit. "Cut 'em up, ride 'em in. Ride 'em in, cut 'em up. Cut 'em down, ride 'em in: Rawhide!" sang Lapinette. "Rollin’ rollin’ rollin', strollin' strollin' strollin', " hummed Snail. Lapinette cracked her whip several times then dropped her voice to become more melodic. "All the things we’re missin'," she sang. "Aperitivi, love, and kissin'," sang the Wabbit. "Are waiting at the end of our ride," sang Snail. "Hah!" shouted Lapinette and she cracked her whip again. "Hah!" shouted the Wabbit and he cracked his whip too. "Hah!" shouted Snail, who having no whip to crack, flailed his antennae instead - and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

6. The Wabbit sees 'em Coming

The gang fell back and while Snail recharged, the Wabbit and Lapinette lay in wait for the Skarrots at the top of the shopping centre escalator. "Maybe they'll be dragged into the stairs," said the Wabbit. "Have you ever known that happen to anyone?" asked Lapinette. "Only once," said the Wabbit. "Who was that?" asked Lapinette. "Me," said the Wabbit and he fiddled with his Snazer gun. "Lucky escape?" asked Lapinette. "Nearly all escalator fatalities are repair technicians," said the Wabbit. "But I was dragged between the combs and it's not good for the fur." "What's it like in there?" asked Lapinette. "Mainly skeletons," smiled the Wabbit. "Look, here comes Snail!" said Lapinette. Snail was crawling under his load of blue slime laser supplies when he saw the Skarrots emerge from the escalator. "Let me at 'em, the little modified devils," cried Snail as he launched a full scale attack on the Skarrots. "He's not the usual Snail with a laser, is he?" said the Wabbit, leaning on his gun. Gradually, Skarrots turned green at the gills as Snail nailed them one by one. "An onion can make you cry, but carrots can't make you laugh," observed Lapinette wryly an she tucked her gun under her arm. "That's something a Wabbit can't run away from," said the Wabbit. "Are you going to do Cowboy quotes all day?" snorted Snail. "I never miss a good chance to shut up," said the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit at the Supermarket Corral

The Wabbit tossed a Snazer to Lapinette like John Wayne in Rio Bravo and she caught it, spun round and with only one paw fired on the nearest Skarrot. It made a green splodge on an unfortunate place and the Skarrot turned and snarled with bared teeth. "Hey Skarrot!" cried Lapinette," you forgot your pants." The Skarrot let out a terrifying howl and suddenly the supermarket was alive with a criss-cross of orange and blue rays. "What's with the new Snazer, Wabbit?" shouted Lapinette. "Snail made adjustments," the Wabbit shouted back and he hit a Skarrot square on his modified carrot top. Snail kept cover from the rear and Lapinette ducked under the crossfire as the Wabbit sprayed right and left. "Did you get the artichoke tubers?" yelled the Wabbit as he hit another Skarrot. "No, they'd gone orange!" shouted Lapinette and she caught a slower Skarrot on his tapering cone. But the Skarrots seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of carrot ray fuel and the battle raged on and on. "How are we for supplies, Snail?" shouted the Wabbit. "You look like you swallowed a chicken." "I'm well depleted," yelled Snail. So the Wabbit made a decision. "Fall back, fall back!" he shouted. "How do we get into these fights?" yelled Lapinette. "We get bored," answered the Wabbit. "So what about the shopping?" shouted Lapinette, clipping another Skarrot on the root and backing off. "Later!" yelled the Wabbit.

4. The Wabbit and the GM Carrot Crisis

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette followed the Genetically Modified Skarrots to the supermarket, hid behind the peppers and waited. Then they heard a series of whoosh-whoosh sounds and saw orange rays dart into every corner of the vegetable section. "Everything's turning carrot-coloured," said Lapinette. "Keep out of the way of these rays," said the Wabbit, or we'll be orange too." "Yuk!" said Lapinette and flattened herself against the pepper stand. "If we don't stop them, every living thing will become a Skarrot," grunted the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur for anything he could find - because just for the moment he had no idea how to stop the creatures. Lapinette grimaced as a carrot ray sliced past her ear. "They seem very annoyed," said Lapinette. "That's the transgenic bacteria," said the Wabbit. "It makes them mad and spreads like wildfire. And it seems to be colour-based." "You know more than I thought," said Lapinette. "I know too much for my own good," said the Wabbit and he thought for a minute. "What colour turns orange into green?" he asked. "Blue," said Lapinette with a smile. "Big Blue Snail!" said the Wabbit. "I'll get him and my Snazer slime gun. I won't be a minute." "What am I  supposed to do in the mean time?" said Lapinette. "Keep out of their way and pick up some artichoke tubers for dinner," suggested the Wabbit. "You want me to shop?" asked Lapinette. "Blend in," said the Wabbit. "You'll hear more of this," scowled Lapinette. "I know," said the Wabbit. Then he vanished.

3. The Wabbit and the GM Skarrots

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette took a short cut, but somehow the Skarrots managed to evade them. "Look they're over there!" hissed Lapinette and they both took up positions behind a pole and watched as the Skarrots queued for a bus to the city. "Surprising behaviour," said the Wabbit. "They've been coached!" said Lapinette. "Why don't you call it in to the Department, see what they know." The Wabbit got on the blower as he called it, and started muttering things in code. His radio hissed and the Wabbit hit it hard with his paw. "Shhh!" he said. It crackled slightly. "That's better," said the Wabbit and he spoke softly. "Yes, they're getting on the bus now. Yes, yes. Oh yes. No." "What's going on?" whispered Lapinette. "Apparently the plan is to let them go where they're going. Nothing must impede them." "Where are they going?" asked Lapinette. "We''re going to find out," said the Wabbit and shut off his radio. "The driver won't have change for 50 Euro notes," said Lapinette. "Don't worry," said the Wabbit. "I know him and I told him to expect unusuality." "And you'll owe him a dinner I suppose," said Lapinette. "Money well spent," said the Wabbit. "Unusuality isn't a word," said Lapinette. "Yes it is," said the Wabbit. "I bet you dinner it's not," said Lapinette. "OK," said the Wabbit and he smiled a confident smile. "It is a word isn't it?" sighed Lapinette. "Big eats!" grinned the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit & the Horrifying Arrivals

Acting on information received, the Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette slipped into the airport unobserved and, hiding behind a distant carousel, they watched in horror as Genetically Modified carrots poured from the luggage belt. "This carousel is never used," whispered Lapinette. "That’s because it never works," said the Wabbit. "Well it’s working today," said Lapinette. "Do you think the Skarrots will go through customs?" "I don’t think they’re big on passports," said the Wabbit. "Maybe they’ll eat their way through," said Lapinette. The Wabbit started to smile, but then he grimaced. "The things will spread out across the city, foraging," he said. "I suppose they’re not big on restaurants either," said Lapinette. "They’ll start with the customers," said the Wabbit, "and then eat furnishings, crockery and they particularly like to destroy High School Musical posters." "That’s in their favour, I suppose," said Lapinette sniffily. The Wabbit allowed himself a chortle, but one of the Skarrots turned and they both ducked for cover. "What can stop them?" hissed  Lapinette. "I don’t know yet," said the Wabbit. "Exploding them with C4 only causes them to divide and multiply." "Every enemy has a weak point," murmured Lapinette, thinking of a book she’d been reading." "Did you find that in the Carrot Library?" asked the Wabbit. "No, in the "Day of the Triffids","  said Lapinette. “How do they do it?” asked the Wabbit. "Crop ‘em, chop ‘em and cook ‘em," said Lapinette sweetly.