The Wabbit and the Sausage Incident

"It was spontaneous combustion!" said the Wabbit, "just like you see on Discovery Channel." "You deliberately took a lighter out of your fur," said Lapinette. "I only intended to light a small paper napkin," said the Wabbit. "It was provocative" said Lapinette. "Well that's all in the past," said the Wabbit diplomatically and he flicked his lighter a few times. "Anyway, the demonstration was all your idea." he added very, very quietly. "Rabbit sausages should be forbidden, it's against nature," said Lapinette. The Wabbit nodded in agreement and pondered for a while. "Well, maybe you shouldn't have tipped the policeman's hat off," he murmured. "He shouted at me in an uncouth manner," said Lapinette. "What did he say?" asked the Wabbit as he looked down to dust charcoal from his fur. "That wabbits were nothing but trouble," said Lapinette, imitating a whiny voice. The Wabbit stifled a giggle, which he thought might be unwise under the circumstances. "What happened to the sausages anyway?" asked Lapinette. "They got cooked in the fire and a lot of customers came and ate them up," said the Wabbit ruefully. Lapinette slapped a paw to her head and groaned. "Look, the fire was very small and that nice fireman put it out with a single extinguisher," said the Wabbit.  "So how many lunches do you owe the emergency services now?" asked Lapinette. "Eleven," smiled the Wabbit,  "I'm a legend in their own lunchtime."

The Wabbit and the Many Maps

The Wabbit and Lapinette met to look at maps. The secret map of the Agents of Rabit contained a list of references to other maps, so Lapinette produced  her Big Map Box and emptied it on the table. “What about the original map?” enquired the Wabbit.  Lapinette pointed to her head. “I memorised it,” she exclaimed, “and then it was eaten.” “Oh,” said the Wabbit and he tried to think of what to say. “What did it taste like?” he asked finally. “I don’t know,” said Lapinette “I gave it to Big Blue Snail to eat. He said it was the most delicious map ever.” The Wabbit smiled and pored over the maps. “Greece, Germany, Ireland and ... Abu Dhabi,” he said with interest. “Abu Dhabi Agents of Rabit, “ sighed Lapinette.  “They certainly get around,” chuckled the Wabbit and he took some time to review all the locations on all of the maps. “I had one of these talking maps,” said the Wabbit suddenly. “Really, how did that work?” smiled Lapinette. “By satellite,” said the Wabbit. “You tell it where you want to go and it gives you  precise directions.”  “A GPS,”  said Lapinette. “I don’t know, it never worked for me,”  said the Wabbit. Lapinette looked questioningly and the Wabbit scowled. “Everywhere  I asked for,  it said, ”I’m as mystified as you.””

8. The Wabbit at the Zero Caffè

Lapinette was studying something very intently when the Wabbit arrived with his protégés in tow. "I present Mo and To, the MoTo Snails," said the Wabbit with pride. Lapinette assessed the Snails for quite some time. "How fast?" she asked eventually. "Oh around Mach 2," said the Wabbit in a matter-of-fact manner that suggested Mach 2 was routine for a snail.  "Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette. "Have you and Big Blue Snail been working in that shed again?" "We hired a garage," said the Wabbit innocently. Lapinette looked sternly at the Wabbit and then turned to the Snails. "Mo and To, are you quite happy with this turn of events?" she enquired softly. "Delighted," said Mo. "Critically delighted," said To. While Mo and To were wiggling their antennae in delight, the Wabbit seized the opportunity to ask what Lapinette was studying. "The Map," said Lapinette. "What map?" asked  To. "The locations of our wicked and vengeful enemies, the agents of Rabit," said Lapinette. To and Mo looked questioningly. "They would make sausages of us all," explained Lapinette.  "We’re against them!" shouted Mo. "Let's get 'em!" yelled To. "Now!" they cried in unison. Big Blue Snail shook his head. "I fear their youthful enthusiasm requires tempering by a mature and wise mind," he said. There was a thud as Lapinette slapped her menu on the table. "Well, I hope you’re not thinking of the Wabbit," she said.

7. The Wabbit and the Speed Trials

The Wabbit and friends crept out on a crisp, cold morning and scaled the heights of an old disused railway track that crossed the neighbourhood. Then the Wabbit produced a salvaged stop watch from his fur and set it to zero. "Start when I say go," said the Wabbit. But Mo and To had already gone. The Wabbit strained his eyes and he spotted a blue blur in the distance, getting steadily bigger. They were already on their way back! "Wow," thought the Wabbit to himself. "How fast were we?" breathed the Snails. "No-one knows," said the Wabbit, "because you left before I set my stop watch." "It felt fast," said To. "It was super fast!" said Mo. "It's unrecorded and doesn't count," said the Wabbit. Mo and To were properly crestfallen and the Wabbit took pity. "Think you can do it again?" smiled the Wabbit. Mo was already leaving but To quickly grabbed him back. "There will be a penalty for a false start," said the Wabbit. "What kind of a penalty?" asked Mo. The Wabbit hadn't really thought of a penalty but now he felt obliged to name one. So he thought and thought. "You have to go round again and it's added to your time," he said finally. "OK get ready, counting you down to zero," said the Wabbit. Both Mo and To gazed steadily at him.  "Zero," he said. There was an enormous rush of air and a loud crack as Mo and To left and arrived back.  "How were we?" said Mo and To. The Wabbit shook his stop watch free of broken glass. "You owe me a replacement," he grinned.

6. The Wabbit, Power, Traction and Slime

At a small garage not far from the Testaccio Market, the Wabbit and Big Blue Snail worked until night. The Wabbit aimed to improve the power and thrust of the MoTo Snails, whilst Big Blue Snail sought to enhance their slime production. They were seeing moderate success. "I'm increasing your power," said the Wabbit. "Excellent," said To. "To what end?" said Mo. "Speed and manoeuvrability," said the Wabbit. "Won't power make us go faster?" asked To. "To go faster you have to transfer your power to the road," said the Wabbit. "Your traction is critical," said Big Blue Snail, "otherwise you will spin round and round on your own slime." "Cool," said Mo and the Snails' antennae wiggled in delight. Big Blue Snail gave them a withering look and thought for a moment. "I need to make diet adjustments," he said and he vanished, quickly returning with a mixture of fruit, leaves, kale and mulberry. "Oh, do we have to?" asked Mo. Big Blue Snail added lettuce, artichoke, celeriac and tomato. "Mmmm, we have to," said To. "May I add something," said the Wabbit, delving in his fur. "Of course," said Big Blue Snail. The Wabbit took out a small packet and he added a homeopathic sprinkle. To and Mo wolfed the food with delight. "What's the added ingredient?" whispered Big Blue Snail. "Nitro," said the Wabbit. "Let's lay slime," said Big Blue Snail.

5. The Wabbit and the MoTo Snails

Next in the new Snails' education, was the market. "This is where snails assist in global recycling," said Big Blue Snail. "Look how blue the market has become," observed the Wabbit. "Here comes a blue snack now," said Big Blue Snail, "the traders are only too happy for us to eat their cardboard." "Perfect," said the first Snail in delight. "I'll wait and see how it goes," said the second suspiciously. The Wabbit smiled. "You require new names," he said. "I can't keep saying "You Snails" - it's rude." The new Snails pondered. "What makes you different from other snails?" asked Big Blue Snail. "We're fast Snails," they replied. "We're from Misano, near Rimini." said the first Snail. "We race the circuit there," said the second. "What's your best lap time?" asked the Wabbit, winking discreetly at Big Blue Snail. "One point three three," said the first Snail. The Wabbit's eyes widened and his ears began to quiver. "Minutes?" he asked. "Hours," said the second Snail. The Wabbit tried to keep a straight face. "Oh, that's respectably rapid, my good Wabbit," cautioned Big Blue Snail in an admonishing tone. "Then our new Snails are now Mo and To!" said the Wabbit swiftly, "they're the MoTo Snails!" The Snails wiggled their antennae joyfully. "Do your shells revolve by any chance?" asked the Wabbit shrewdly, pointing to their racy whirls. "We spin them for speed," they said together. The Wabbit turned to Big Blue Snail in excitement. "To the workshop!" he said.

4. The Wabbit and Anita Garibaldi

Big Blue Snail had decided that his admirers needed political education. The Wabbit was leading them all through the Villa Pamphili Park to the Gianicolo Hill but they hadn't gone far when they heard a neighing and whinnying and a stamping of hooves. Suddenly a statue of horse and rider appeared, blocking their path. The Wabbit hopped forward immediately with a welcoming paw. "You're supposed to be at the top of the Hill," he said. "We got fed up waiting," said the horse. "The Wabbit speaks with statues?" asked the new Snails. "They speak with him," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails tried unsuccessfully to show they weren't impressed. "Listen youngsters," said the Wabbit. "This is Anita Garibaldi, escaping from the wicked enemy, carrying her new born child." "Oooooh," said the new Snails, "how brave!" "Was she against things?" asked one Snail. "She was for things," said the Wabbit. "She was for freedom and unity and we can learn from her." "What would you like to know, young Snails?" said Anita. "Will it take long to achieve freedom and unity?" asked the new Snails. "Do you love your species with all your heart?" said Anita. "Yes," chorused the new Snails  "Prepare for hardship, battles and ultimately triumph," said Anita. The Snails looked suitably chastened. Anita turned to the Wabbit. "We shall meet again, Commander," she said. "For new triumphs," replied the Wabbit and he waved his paw. Both horse and rider vanished and all that remained of their presence was the sound of galloping.

3. The Wabbit and the New Snail Model Army

Up on the Villa Pamphili, the Wabbit introduced the new Snails to his blue comapanion. "Who are those two?" asked Big Blue Snail. "Those," said the Wabbit, "are the self-styled New Model Snail Army." "They'll need to smarten up," said Big Blue Snail. "Come come," responded the Wabbit. "They do have a certain je ne sais quoi."  Big Blue Snail snorted. Adopting a imperious tone he addressed the pair. "Fellow Snails!" he commanded. "We must make a great leap forward!" "Now! Now! Now!" chanted the new Snails. Big Blue Snail turned and looked at the Wabbit questioningly but the Wabbit merely winked at him. So Big Blue Snail slid up and down several times in front of the snails, then turned to address them directly. "Now," he said, "is this very moment." The new Snails stared at him. "Now, is all that has been before," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails slid backwards slightly and gaped. "Now, is the sum of all our opportunities in the future," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails gasped incredulously. "All at the very same time?" they queried. Big Blue Snail gave a single, short and rather grave nod. The two looked at each other for what seemed to the Wabbit like an age. "Cool!" they breathed softly.

2. The Wabbit and the Alternative Snails

The Wabbit hopped along the street until he caught up with two large blue Snails. "Hey you two," he shouted. "You're not the original Big Blue Snail!" The Snails turned and tried to menace the Wabbit, but the Wabbit was not to be menaced. "Now look you Snails," said the Wabbit. "You'd better explain what's going on. Or there'll be trouble." "Um, OK," said one Snail. "We are the advance guard of the Alternative Snail Army." "The New Model Snail Army," said the other. "What do you stand for?" asked the Wabbit. "We're not exactly sure," said the first Snail. "But we're against things," said the second. The Wabbit shook his head. "You Snails have to be clear," he said "or no-one will know what you want." "We're against oppression and we want Snail freedom," said the first Snail. "It's a bit general," said the Wabbit. "We want Snail Rights," said the second Snail. "What are these rights?" asked the Wabbit gently. "The right to be left alone and supplied with plenty of leaves, fruit and cardboard," said the first Snail. "Seems reasonable," said the Wabbit, "so let's start. I'll shout a question and you respond." "OK," said the Snails. The Wabbit hunched his shoulders and put his head back. "What do we want?" he bellowed. "Rights for Snails!" they yelled back. "When do we want them?" yelled the Wabbit. "In due course!" shouted the Snails. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "You Snails need training," he muttered.

1. The Wabbit at Loose End

The Wabbit hopped all around the city and eventually admitted that he was at a loose end. He looked about and all he could see was concrete. "I'm going to call this place Loose End," thought the Wabbit and he dug his paws deep into his fur. A warm south wind blew through the cold air. It was a very strange wind that carried a red grit that got in the Wabbit's eyes and made them sting. The Wabbit was unsettled. "Sometimes the city seems friendly and sometimes it doesn't," he thought. But this was a time when the city seemed indifferent, and above all other things, the Wabbit hated indifference. "I need something to do," thought the Wabbit. But the Wabbit reasoned that if he consulted his to-do list, he would find he had so many duties to perform. So he burrowed his paws further into his fur and resolved not to think about lists. "I need  a success," thought the Wabbit. "Maybe even a great triumph," he thoughtfully added. And he scuffed the street with his feet and leaned back against the iron fence. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He knew that little came from leaning against iron fences. So he squinted his eyes and he stared and he thought until his brain raced. And as he looked at the traffic passing routinely along the street he noticed something odd. "Now what the binky is that?" thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Art Adventure Caffè

The beach at Fregene was deserted except for the Wabbit and Skratch and Lapinette. Lapinette smiled as she took delivery of the painting and her ears twitched in delight. "A job well done," she said. "Oh yes of course," said the Wabbit. "Just our usual. And is everyone having the usual?" Skratch’s tail quivered with anticipation. "The painting, the painting, what about this sought after painting?" he shouted. The Wabbit poured a glass of hot milk for Skratch and looked at Lapinette. "Skratch wants to know what’s so special about the painting," he said. "The painting," said Lapinette, "is the first in a series called Wabbitlands." "Very nice of its type," said Skratch. "But Skratch wants to know ..." said the Wabbit.  "... what’s so special?" smiled Lapinette. "About the painting!" yelled Skratch. Lapinette giggled. "Hidden behind the painting is a map of all the locations of our enemies, the despicable Agents of Rabit," she said with satisfaction. Skratch leaned forward sharply. "We could have taken the map from the back of the painting," he said. "That would have given the game away," said Lapinette, "because the Euls didn’t know it was there." "And besides," said the Wabbit, "it's a nice picture." "In an extremely heavy frame," said Skratch. "You were a work of art, carrying a work of art," said the Wabbit. Skratch smiled a big smile. "My art belongs to Dada," he purred. 

10. The Wabbit's Last Submarine Home

Up on the Hillside not so far away, the ghouls and the ghosts and the Euls gathered themselves together and  grumbled about the loss of the painting, whilst safe and sound in Dalkey Harbour, the friends caught the last submarine home. They had been waiting patiently at the dockside when it suddenly surfaced, much to the surprise of the fishermen who normally used the small port. "Coming with us Ghost Bunny?" asked the Wabbit affectionately. "I always wanted to sail in a submarine," said Ghost Bunny. "I heard that we're going to Abu Dhabi!" "Always!" said the Wabbit and he grinned a big grin. The Wabbit turned to Skratch and shook him by the paw. "Thank you Skratch, you showed commendable enterprise." "It was most enjoyable and I wouldn't have missed it for a cat's ransom," said Skratch, "but what’s so special about the painting?" "That’s a very long story for later," said the Wabbit. "The most important thing is that we have it and the Euls don’t have it and if we have what they don’t have, and they know we have it, it’s better all round." The Wabbit tended to make Skratch’s head spin with this kind of talk, but this time Skratch just laughed and laughed.  "So what are we going to do now, Commander?" he asked. "Run Silent, Run Deep!" smiled the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Delayed Ghost

Skratch and the Wabbit powered down the slope with the painting but they heard nothing behind them so they both stopped and turned. "I was expecting more chasing and chanting" said the Wabbit. "I can’t see a thing," said Skratch. They both stared at the old haunted Hellfire Club and rubbed their eyes until they were sore. "Strange," said the Wabbit. “Curious,” said Skratch. "Well, I’ll just put this heavy painting down," said the Wabbit, "it’s making my shoulder ache." "Maybe we should go while the going is good," said Skratch cautiously. Suddenly they heard a terrible shriek and they ducked as Ghouls flew in all directions. They saw Euls flee from the house and tumble down the incline one after the other. Then, after what seemed like an age, an enormous white shape rose slowly and somewhat elegantly from behind the ancient stone walls. It dwarfed the rooftops and as it spread its ghostly wings, it issued a chilling scream that carved the air. It wailed and wailed until the brickwork trembled and tree branches bent backwards in the rush of air that followed the dreadful sound. "Disturbing," said the Wabbit and he clapped his paws. "And perturbing," said Skratch and he flicked his tail.  "What took you so long, Ghost Bunny?" said the Wabbit. “Paperwork,” howled Ghost Bunny. 

8. The Wabbit and the Great Escape

The Wabbit flinched as with a single sudden movement Skratch grabbed the precious painting and launched himself into the stairwell. "Yaaah!" shouted Skratch as he plunged down through the Ghouls and past the Euls to the hallway below. Now the Wabbit was left surrounded by three Ghouls, and he gasped as one started to chew his ear. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He could talk his way out of it. "Halt!" he yelled and to his surprise, the Ghouls did halt. "Why was the ghost thrown out of the Liverpool football team?" he enquired. "Duh," said the first spectre. "Dunno," said the second. "I give up," said the third. "He scored an own ghoul," said the Wabbit. Transfixed, the Ghouls began to shake with fury. They bared their ghastly teeth and drooled from their gaping cavities. "You can't say that about Liverpool," screeched the first Ghoul. "You'll never haunt alone?" suggested the Wabbit. "Kill him for his bad jokes," shouted the second Ghoul." "Be seeing you," said the Wabbit and he hopped out over the rails and cartwheeled through the air. "I hate it when he says that," screamed the third Ghoul. "Rend him asunder!" cried another as they flew at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit made an elegant landing given the conditions - and together he and Skratch fled from the Hellfire Club pursued by their demonic foes. "What's rend asunder?" shouted Skratch. "I hope it's a race horse," yelled the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the old Ghoul

The pair bounded upstairs and into the large room. "Waaaah!" said an apparition which seemed to emerge from the very walls of the Hellfire Club. "Put up your dukes, you feckless fiend!" shouted Skratch, bunching his paws into fists. "Let's see what you're made of!" "He's not made of anything," said the Wabbit, "he's a hologram." Skratch let fly and hit the ghoul on the chin with a hay maker punch, but his paw passed right through the bones. "We meet again my furry friends," said the Ghoul in a jocular voice. Skratch looked at the Wabbit quizzically. "Oh, really. Don't encourage it, let's just take the painting," said the Wabbit. "You may have the painting, It's you we want, Commander Wabbit," said the Ghoul. "Ignore him, he's only a recording, Skratch. Lend me a paw here," said the Wabbit. "this painting is quite heavy." "Are you sure it's a recording?" said Skratch. The Wabbit heaved a sigh, hopped across and addressed the Ghoul directly. "You look like a rummage sale," said the Wabbit and he made a rude sign with his paw. "I prefer boutique," said the Ghoul. "Aaaaagh!" shouted Skratch and the Wabbit as they dived on the painting. They staggered under its weight but dragged it to the top of the stairs at lightning speed. "Do you see what I see?" said Skratch. Six ghastly Ghouls drifted up the stairwell with the Euls crowding close behind.