6. The Wabbit, Power, Traction and Slime

At a small garage not far from the Testaccio Market, the Wabbit and Big Blue Snail worked until night. The Wabbit aimed to improve the power and thrust of the MoTo Snails, whilst Big Blue Snail sought to enhance their slime production. They were seeing moderate success. "I'm increasing your power," said the Wabbit. "Excellent," said To. "To what end?" said Mo. "Speed and manoeuvrability," said the Wabbit. "Won't power make us go faster?" asked To. "To go faster you have to transfer your power to the road," said the Wabbit. "Your traction is critical," said Big Blue Snail, "otherwise you will spin round and round on your own slime." "Cool," said Mo and the Snails' antennae wiggled in delight. Big Blue Snail gave them a withering look and thought for a moment. "I need to make diet adjustments," he said and he vanished, quickly returning with a mixture of fruit, leaves, kale and mulberry. "Oh, do we have to?" asked Mo. Big Blue Snail added lettuce, artichoke, celeriac and tomato. "Mmmm, we have to," said To. "May I add something," said the Wabbit, delving in his fur. "Of course," said Big Blue Snail. The Wabbit took out a small packet and he added a homeopathic sprinkle. To and Mo wolfed the food with delight. "What's the added ingredient?" whispered Big Blue Snail. "Nitro," said the Wabbit. "Let's lay slime," said Big Blue Snail.

5. The Wabbit and the MoTo Snails

Next in the new Snails' education, was the market. "This is where snails assist in global recycling," said Big Blue Snail. "Look how blue the market has become," observed the Wabbit. "Here comes a blue snack now," said Big Blue Snail, "the traders are only too happy for us to eat their cardboard." "Perfect," said the first Snail in delight. "I'll wait and see how it goes," said the second suspiciously. The Wabbit smiled. "You require new names," he said. "I can't keep saying "You Snails" - it's rude." The new Snails pondered. "What makes you different from other snails?" asked Big Blue Snail. "We're fast Snails," they replied. "We're from Misano, near Rimini." said the first Snail. "We race the circuit there," said the second. "What's your best lap time?" asked the Wabbit, winking discreetly at Big Blue Snail. "One point three three," said the first Snail. The Wabbit's eyes widened and his ears began to quiver. "Minutes?" he asked. "Hours," said the second Snail. The Wabbit tried to keep a straight face. "Oh, that's respectably rapid, my good Wabbit," cautioned Big Blue Snail in an admonishing tone. "Then our new Snails are now Mo and To!" said the Wabbit swiftly, "they're the MoTo Snails!" The Snails wiggled their antennae joyfully. "Do your shells revolve by any chance?" asked the Wabbit shrewdly, pointing to their racy whirls. "We spin them for speed," they said together. The Wabbit turned to Big Blue Snail in excitement. "To the workshop!" he said.

4. The Wabbit and Anita Garibaldi

Big Blue Snail had decided that his admirers needed political education. The Wabbit was leading them all through the Villa Pamphili Park to the Gianicolo Hill but they hadn't gone far when they heard a neighing and whinnying and a stamping of hooves. Suddenly a statue of horse and rider appeared, blocking their path. The Wabbit hopped forward immediately with a welcoming paw. "You're supposed to be at the top of the Hill," he said. "We got fed up waiting," said the horse. "The Wabbit speaks with statues?" asked the new Snails. "They speak with him," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails tried unsuccessfully to show they weren't impressed. "Listen youngsters," said the Wabbit. "This is Anita Garibaldi, escaping from the wicked enemy, carrying her new born child." "Oooooh," said the new Snails, "how brave!" "Was she against things?" asked one Snail. "She was for things," said the Wabbit. "She was for freedom and unity and we can learn from her." "What would you like to know, young Snails?" said Anita. "Will it take long to achieve freedom and unity?" asked the new Snails. "Do you love your species with all your heart?" said Anita. "Yes," chorused the new Snails  "Prepare for hardship, battles and ultimately triumph," said Anita. The Snails looked suitably chastened. Anita turned to the Wabbit. "We shall meet again, Commander," she said. "For new triumphs," replied the Wabbit and he waved his paw. Both horse and rider vanished and all that remained of their presence was the sound of galloping.

3. The Wabbit and the New Snail Model Army

Up on the Villa Pamphili, the Wabbit introduced the new Snails to his blue comapanion. "Who are those two?" asked Big Blue Snail. "Those," said the Wabbit, "are the self-styled New Model Snail Army." "They'll need to smarten up," said Big Blue Snail. "Come come," responded the Wabbit. "They do have a certain je ne sais quoi."  Big Blue Snail snorted. Adopting a imperious tone he addressed the pair. "Fellow Snails!" he commanded. "We must make a great leap forward!" "Now! Now! Now!" chanted the new Snails. Big Blue Snail turned and looked at the Wabbit questioningly but the Wabbit merely winked at him. So Big Blue Snail slid up and down several times in front of the snails, then turned to address them directly. "Now," he said, "is this very moment." The new Snails stared at him. "Now, is all that has been before," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails slid backwards slightly and gaped. "Now, is the sum of all our opportunities in the future," said Big Blue Snail. The new Snails gasped incredulously. "All at the very same time?" they queried. Big Blue Snail gave a single, short and rather grave nod. The two looked at each other for what seemed to the Wabbit like an age. "Cool!" they breathed softly.

2. The Wabbit and the Alternative Snails

The Wabbit hopped along the street until he caught up with two large blue Snails. "Hey you two," he shouted. "You're not the original Big Blue Snail!" The Snails turned and tried to menace the Wabbit, but the Wabbit was not to be menaced. "Now look you Snails," said the Wabbit. "You'd better explain what's going on. Or there'll be trouble." "Um, OK," said one Snail. "We are the advance guard of the Alternative Snail Army." "The New Model Snail Army," said the other. "What do you stand for?" asked the Wabbit. "We're not exactly sure," said the first Snail. "But we're against things," said the second. The Wabbit shook his head. "You Snails have to be clear," he said "or no-one will know what you want." "We're against oppression and we want Snail freedom," said the first Snail. "It's a bit general," said the Wabbit. "We want Snail Rights," said the second Snail. "What are these rights?" asked the Wabbit gently. "The right to be left alone and supplied with plenty of leaves, fruit and cardboard," said the first Snail. "Seems reasonable," said the Wabbit, "so let's start. I'll shout a question and you respond." "OK," said the Snails. The Wabbit hunched his shoulders and put his head back. "What do we want?" he bellowed. "Rights for Snails!" they yelled back. "When do we want them?" yelled the Wabbit. "In due course!" shouted the Snails. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "You Snails need training," he muttered.

1. The Wabbit at Loose End

The Wabbit hopped all around the city and eventually admitted that he was at a loose end. He looked about and all he could see was concrete. "I'm going to call this place Loose End," thought the Wabbit and he dug his paws deep into his fur. A warm south wind blew through the cold air. It was a very strange wind that carried a red grit that got in the Wabbit's eyes and made them sting. The Wabbit was unsettled. "Sometimes the city seems friendly and sometimes it doesn't," he thought. But this was a time when the city seemed indifferent, and above all other things, the Wabbit hated indifference. "I need something to do," thought the Wabbit. But the Wabbit reasoned that if he consulted his to-do list, he would find he had so many duties to perform. So he burrowed his paws further into his fur and resolved not to think about lists. "I need  a success," thought the Wabbit. "Maybe even a great triumph," he thoughtfully added. And he scuffed the street with his feet and leaned back against the iron fence. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He knew that little came from leaning against iron fences. So he squinted his eyes and he stared and he thought until his brain raced. And as he looked at the traffic passing routinely along the street he noticed something odd. "Now what the binky is that?" thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Art Adventure Caffè

The beach at Fregene was deserted except for the Wabbit and Skratch and Lapinette. Lapinette smiled as she took delivery of the painting and her ears twitched in delight. "A job well done," she said. "Oh yes of course," said the Wabbit. "Just our usual. And is everyone having the usual?" Skratch’s tail quivered with anticipation. "The painting, the painting, what about this sought after painting?" he shouted. The Wabbit poured a glass of hot milk for Skratch and looked at Lapinette. "Skratch wants to know what’s so special about the painting," he said. "The painting," said Lapinette, "is the first in a series called Wabbitlands." "Very nice of its type," said Skratch. "But Skratch wants to know ..." said the Wabbit.  "... what’s so special?" smiled Lapinette. "About the painting!" yelled Skratch. Lapinette giggled. "Hidden behind the painting is a map of all the locations of our enemies, the despicable Agents of Rabit," she said with satisfaction. Skratch leaned forward sharply. "We could have taken the map from the back of the painting," he said. "That would have given the game away," said Lapinette, "because the Euls didn’t know it was there." "And besides," said the Wabbit, "it's a nice picture." "In an extremely heavy frame," said Skratch. "You were a work of art, carrying a work of art," said the Wabbit. Skratch smiled a big smile. "My art belongs to Dada," he purred. 

10. The Wabbit's Last Submarine Home

Up on the Hillside not so far away, the ghouls and the ghosts and the Euls gathered themselves together and  grumbled about the loss of the painting, whilst safe and sound in Dalkey Harbour, the friends caught the last submarine home. They had been waiting patiently at the dockside when it suddenly surfaced, much to the surprise of the fishermen who normally used the small port. "Coming with us Ghost Bunny?" asked the Wabbit affectionately. "I always wanted to sail in a submarine," said Ghost Bunny. "I heard that we're going to Abu Dhabi!" "Always!" said the Wabbit and he grinned a big grin. The Wabbit turned to Skratch and shook him by the paw. "Thank you Skratch, you showed commendable enterprise." "It was most enjoyable and I wouldn't have missed it for a cat's ransom," said Skratch, "but what’s so special about the painting?" "That’s a very long story for later," said the Wabbit. "The most important thing is that we have it and the Euls don’t have it and if we have what they don’t have, and they know we have it, it’s better all round." The Wabbit tended to make Skratch’s head spin with this kind of talk, but this time Skratch just laughed and laughed.  "So what are we going to do now, Commander?" he asked. "Run Silent, Run Deep!" smiled the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Delayed Ghost

Skratch and the Wabbit powered down the slope with the painting but they heard nothing behind them so they both stopped and turned. "I was expecting more chasing and chanting" said the Wabbit. "I can’t see a thing," said Skratch. They both stared at the old haunted Hellfire Club and rubbed their eyes until they were sore. "Strange," said the Wabbit. “Curious,” said Skratch. "Well, I’ll just put this heavy painting down," said the Wabbit, "it’s making my shoulder ache." "Maybe we should go while the going is good," said Skratch cautiously. Suddenly they heard a terrible shriek and they ducked as Ghouls flew in all directions. They saw Euls flee from the house and tumble down the incline one after the other. Then, after what seemed like an age, an enormous white shape rose slowly and somewhat elegantly from behind the ancient stone walls. It dwarfed the rooftops and as it spread its ghostly wings, it issued a chilling scream that carved the air. It wailed and wailed until the brickwork trembled and tree branches bent backwards in the rush of air that followed the dreadful sound. "Disturbing," said the Wabbit and he clapped his paws. "And perturbing," said Skratch and he flicked his tail.  "What took you so long, Ghost Bunny?" said the Wabbit. “Paperwork,” howled Ghost Bunny. 

8. The Wabbit and the Great Escape

The Wabbit flinched as with a single sudden movement Skratch grabbed the precious painting and launched himself into the stairwell. "Yaaah!" shouted Skratch as he plunged down through the Ghouls and past the Euls to the hallway below. Now the Wabbit was left surrounded by three Ghouls, and he gasped as one started to chew his ear. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He could talk his way out of it. "Halt!" he yelled and to his surprise, the Ghouls did halt. "Why was the ghost thrown out of the Liverpool football team?" he enquired. "Duh," said the first spectre. "Dunno," said the second. "I give up," said the third. "He scored an own ghoul," said the Wabbit. Transfixed, the Ghouls began to shake with fury. They bared their ghastly teeth and drooled from their gaping cavities. "You can't say that about Liverpool," screeched the first Ghoul. "You'll never haunt alone?" suggested the Wabbit. "Kill him for his bad jokes," shouted the second Ghoul." "Be seeing you," said the Wabbit and he hopped out over the rails and cartwheeled through the air. "I hate it when he says that," screamed the third Ghoul. "Rend him asunder!" cried another as they flew at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit made an elegant landing given the conditions - and together he and Skratch fled from the Hellfire Club pursued by their demonic foes. "What's rend asunder?" shouted Skratch. "I hope it's a race horse," yelled the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the old Ghoul

The pair bounded upstairs and into the large room. "Waaaah!" said an apparition which seemed to emerge from the very walls of the Hellfire Club. "Put up your dukes, you feckless fiend!" shouted Skratch, bunching his paws into fists. "Let's see what you're made of!" "He's not made of anything," said the Wabbit, "he's a hologram." Skratch let fly and hit the ghoul on the chin with a hay maker punch, but his paw passed right through the bones. "We meet again my furry friends," said the Ghoul in a jocular voice. Skratch looked at the Wabbit quizzically. "Oh, really. Don't encourage it, let's just take the painting," said the Wabbit. "You may have the painting, It's you we want, Commander Wabbit," said the Ghoul. "Ignore him, he's only a recording, Skratch. Lend me a paw here," said the Wabbit. "this painting is quite heavy." "Are you sure it's a recording?" said Skratch. The Wabbit heaved a sigh, hopped across and addressed the Ghoul directly. "You look like a rummage sale," said the Wabbit and he made a rude sign with his paw. "I prefer boutique," said the Ghoul. "Aaaaagh!" shouted Skratch and the Wabbit as they dived on the painting. They staggered under its weight but dragged it to the top of the stairs at lightning speed. "Do you see what I see?" said Skratch. Six ghastly Ghouls drifted up the stairwell with the Euls crowding close behind.

6. The Wabbit and the God of Hell Fire

Skratch the Cat threw his paws in the air and a mighty boom shook the cavernous room. "My name is Lucy Fur!" he cried, "and I am the God of Hell Fire!" "He brings you fire," whispered the Wabbit. Skratch wheeled round ferociously. "Underlings, I apologise for my assistant, Soul Fur," said Skratch, "he is mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence." The Wabbit grinned and crept close to the fire. "Cold night, cold nose," he said inanely and clapped his paws. Skratch whirled back to address the cowed Euls. "I came for my winnings," he said. There was a murmuring and a whispering. "My winnings!" shouted Skratch. "Where's my winnings? I see no winnings! There's supposed to be winnings!" Skratch's shadow grew taller and taller. "Winnings, winnings, winnings!" he yelled and he jumped up and down. "Produce the winnings and we can all go home," said the Wabbit softly and he moved even closer to the fire. "I want my painting now," said Skratch in a dark, menacing tone. This time there was a terrible moan from the gathering. "Give me back my painting!" screeched Skratch and stamped and stamped. "He's not the devil, no cloven feet," shouted a Eul. "Oh, that's just an urban folk myth," said the Wabbit and he flicked something into the fire. "Upstairs Skratch!" he shouted as the room filled with fumes. "Smokin'" yelled Skratch.

5. The Wabbit and the Hellfire Club

At the top of the hill, the air was cold and clouds drifted across a strange moonless night. "My fur feels weird," said Skratch as he clung to the rough, sloping roof. "Mine too," said the Wabbit. "Where's Ghost Bunny?" asked Skratch. "On her way," said the Wabbit. "Shall we wait then?" said Skratch. "No," said the Wabbit. "Lets just go in." "Shall we knock?" asked Skratch. "We shall sweep in as if we owned the place," said the Wabbit. "You look a bit a devil, Skratch, so now you're the devil and you've come for your stuff." "What stuff?" said Skratch. "Your gambling winnings from card games," said the Wabbit, "Talk tough and show no mercy." "What about you?" said Skratch. "I will be your hopeless assistant." said the Wabbit. "Make fun of me and I will distract them." "I'm going to enjoy this," said Skratch. "Don't get used to it," said the Wabbit and he shivered as a drawn out groan issued from the depths of the building and echoed painfully around the roof. Gales of laughter pealed from the house and and flame spat from the window, blackening the stonework. "Let's go, my genial fool," said Skratch with a grim smile. "The devil always gets the best lines," said the Wabbit ruefully. Silently they dropped from the roof and swept through the dark entrance.

4. The Wabbit Investigates a Castle

As Skratch the Cat Burglar scaled the heights of the old abandoned castle, the Wabbit kept a look out. "What news?" he whispered into his radio. "Hang on Wabbit and I'll get a better hold," said Skratch as he scrabbled for grip on the slippery stone surface. "Take your time, what can you hear?" said the Wabbit. "It's the Euls, I can hear them laughing," said Skratch. "What about the valuable painting?" hissed the Wabbit. "They're talking about it now," said Skratch. "There's a bit of chat about Abstract Impressionism," he added. "Pshaw!" said the Wabbit. "We're not here for a seminar, Wabbit," said Skratch. "Wait a second, they said something about Wabbit Affairs then giggled." "Can you see them now?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes," said Skratch, "they're looking at glossy art books and pointing." "A kick in the arts is what these Euls need," said the Wabbit, "can you see our painting?" "It's not there," said Skratch, "it's somewhere else." "Grrrr! Where?" shouted the Wabbit. "Shhhh," said Skratch. There was a long silence while the Wabbit listened. Then the radio crackled. "It's the Hellfire Club. The painting is there." said Skratch. "The Carrot Club?" asked the Wabbit hopefully. "Hellfire!" said Skratch. Another silence fell and the Wabbit was glad Skratch couldn't see his face. "Hello Wabbit are you there? Hello?" said Skratch urgently. Suddenly the radio spluttered. "I was calling in Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit Lands

"I know where we are!" said the Wabbit. "Abu Dhabi!" said Skratch. "Submariners call everything Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. You've been had. This is Baile Atha Cliath." "Whosit?" asked Skratch. "Dublin," said the Wabbit and he grinned broadly with all of his 28 teeth. "I know my way around, Skratch," he said cheerfully. The Wabbit shook water from his fur and thought for a moment. "What are we doing here?" he asked. "We are here," said Skratch ponderously, "to retrieve an old painting, highly valued by the Department of Wabbit Affairs." "Ah," said the Wabbit as if he had known all along. "It's being held by our enemies in a secret location." said Skratch. "Then lets go and get it," said the Wabbit, drying his fur by patting it with his paws then watching the droplets fall on the dockside. "How shall we pass ourselves off?" asked Skratch. "We're poets," said the Wabbit. "There's more poets round here than you can shake a stick at." "But what if someone asks me to say something," asked Skratch. "Speak in rhyming couplets," said the Wabbit. "I am a burglar, name of Skratch," offered Skratch. "Now there's a cat they'll never catch," said the Wabbit. They grinned at each other. "What about our Canadian helpers?" asked Skratch. "Undersea poets," said the Wabbit. "From Wablantis," said Skratch. "You'll do well," said the Wabbit.