2. The Wabbit and the Alternative Snails

The Wabbit hopped along the street until he caught up with two large blue Snails. "Hey you two," he shouted. "You're not the original Big Blue Snail!" The Snails turned and tried to menace the Wabbit, but the Wabbit was not to be menaced. "Now look you Snails," said the Wabbit. "You'd better explain what's going on. Or there'll be trouble." "Um, OK," said one Snail. "We are the advance guard of the Alternative Snail Army." "The New Model Snail Army," said the other. "What do you stand for?" asked the Wabbit. "We're not exactly sure," said the first Snail. "But we're against things," said the second. The Wabbit shook his head. "You Snails have to be clear," he said "or no-one will know what you want." "We're against oppression and we want Snail freedom," said the first Snail. "It's a bit general," said the Wabbit. "We want Snail Rights," said the second Snail. "What are these rights?" asked the Wabbit gently. "The right to be left alone and supplied with plenty of leaves, fruit and cardboard," said the first Snail. "Seems reasonable," said the Wabbit, "so let's start. I'll shout a question and you respond." "OK," said the Snails. The Wabbit hunched his shoulders and put his head back. "What do we want?" he bellowed. "Rights for Snails!" they yelled back. "When do we want them?" yelled the Wabbit. "In due course!" shouted the Snails. The Wabbit slapped a paw to his head. "You Snails need training," he muttered.

1. The Wabbit at Loose End

The Wabbit hopped all around the city and eventually admitted that he was at a loose end. He looked about and all he could see was concrete. "I'm going to call this place Loose End," thought the Wabbit and he dug his paws deep into his fur. A warm south wind blew through the cold air. It was a very strange wind that carried a red grit that got in the Wabbit's eyes and made them sting. The Wabbit was unsettled. "Sometimes the city seems friendly and sometimes it doesn't," he thought. But this was a time when the city seemed indifferent, and above all other things, the Wabbit hated indifference. "I need something to do," thought the Wabbit. But the Wabbit reasoned that if he consulted his to-do list, he would find he had so many duties to perform. So he burrowed his paws further into his fur and resolved not to think about lists. "I need  a success," thought the Wabbit. "Maybe even a great triumph," he thoughtfully added. And he scuffed the street with his feet and leaned back against the iron fence. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He knew that little came from leaning against iron fences. So he squinted his eyes and he stared and he thought until his brain raced. And as he looked at the traffic passing routinely along the street he noticed something odd. "Now what the binky is that?" thought the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Art Adventure Caffè

The beach at Fregene was deserted except for the Wabbit and Skratch and Lapinette. Lapinette smiled as she took delivery of the painting and her ears twitched in delight. "A job well done," she said. "Oh yes of course," said the Wabbit. "Just our usual. And is everyone having the usual?" Skratch’s tail quivered with anticipation. "The painting, the painting, what about this sought after painting?" he shouted. The Wabbit poured a glass of hot milk for Skratch and looked at Lapinette. "Skratch wants to know what’s so special about the painting," he said. "The painting," said Lapinette, "is the first in a series called Wabbitlands." "Very nice of its type," said Skratch. "But Skratch wants to know ..." said the Wabbit.  "... what’s so special?" smiled Lapinette. "About the painting!" yelled Skratch. Lapinette giggled. "Hidden behind the painting is a map of all the locations of our enemies, the despicable Agents of Rabit," she said with satisfaction. Skratch leaned forward sharply. "We could have taken the map from the back of the painting," he said. "That would have given the game away," said Lapinette, "because the Euls didn’t know it was there." "And besides," said the Wabbit, "it's a nice picture." "In an extremely heavy frame," said Skratch. "You were a work of art, carrying a work of art," said the Wabbit. Skratch smiled a big smile. "My art belongs to Dada," he purred. 

10. The Wabbit's Last Submarine Home

Up on the Hillside not so far away, the ghouls and the ghosts and the Euls gathered themselves together and  grumbled about the loss of the painting, whilst safe and sound in Dalkey Harbour, the friends caught the last submarine home. They had been waiting patiently at the dockside when it suddenly surfaced, much to the surprise of the fishermen who normally used the small port. "Coming with us Ghost Bunny?" asked the Wabbit affectionately. "I always wanted to sail in a submarine," said Ghost Bunny. "I heard that we're going to Abu Dhabi!" "Always!" said the Wabbit and he grinned a big grin. The Wabbit turned to Skratch and shook him by the paw. "Thank you Skratch, you showed commendable enterprise." "It was most enjoyable and I wouldn't have missed it for a cat's ransom," said Skratch, "but what’s so special about the painting?" "That’s a very long story for later," said the Wabbit. "The most important thing is that we have it and the Euls don’t have it and if we have what they don’t have, and they know we have it, it’s better all round." The Wabbit tended to make Skratch’s head spin with this kind of talk, but this time Skratch just laughed and laughed.  "So what are we going to do now, Commander?" he asked. "Run Silent, Run Deep!" smiled the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit and the Delayed Ghost

Skratch and the Wabbit powered down the slope with the painting but they heard nothing behind them so they both stopped and turned. "I was expecting more chasing and chanting" said the Wabbit. "I can’t see a thing," said Skratch. They both stared at the old haunted Hellfire Club and rubbed their eyes until they were sore. "Strange," said the Wabbit. “Curious,” said Skratch. "Well, I’ll just put this heavy painting down," said the Wabbit, "it’s making my shoulder ache." "Maybe we should go while the going is good," said Skratch cautiously. Suddenly they heard a terrible shriek and they ducked as Ghouls flew in all directions. They saw Euls flee from the house and tumble down the incline one after the other. Then, after what seemed like an age, an enormous white shape rose slowly and somewhat elegantly from behind the ancient stone walls. It dwarfed the rooftops and as it spread its ghostly wings, it issued a chilling scream that carved the air. It wailed and wailed until the brickwork trembled and tree branches bent backwards in the rush of air that followed the dreadful sound. "Disturbing," said the Wabbit and he clapped his paws. "And perturbing," said Skratch and he flicked his tail.  "What took you so long, Ghost Bunny?" said the Wabbit. “Paperwork,” howled Ghost Bunny. 

8. The Wabbit and the Great Escape

The Wabbit flinched as with a single sudden movement Skratch grabbed the precious painting and launched himself into the stairwell. "Yaaah!" shouted Skratch as he plunged down through the Ghouls and past the Euls to the hallway below. Now the Wabbit was left surrounded by three Ghouls, and he gasped as one started to chew his ear. But the Wabbit knew one thing. He could talk his way out of it. "Halt!" he yelled and to his surprise, the Ghouls did halt. "Why was the ghost thrown out of the Liverpool football team?" he enquired. "Duh," said the first spectre. "Dunno," said the second. "I give up," said the third. "He scored an own ghoul," said the Wabbit. Transfixed, the Ghouls began to shake with fury. They bared their ghastly teeth and drooled from their gaping cavities. "You can't say that about Liverpool," screeched the first Ghoul. "You'll never haunt alone?" suggested the Wabbit. "Kill him for his bad jokes," shouted the second Ghoul." "Be seeing you," said the Wabbit and he hopped out over the rails and cartwheeled through the air. "I hate it when he says that," screamed the third Ghoul. "Rend him asunder!" cried another as they flew at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit made an elegant landing given the conditions - and together he and Skratch fled from the Hellfire Club pursued by their demonic foes. "What's rend asunder?" shouted Skratch. "I hope it's a race horse," yelled the Wabbit.

7. The Wabbit and the old Ghoul

The pair bounded upstairs and into the large room. "Waaaah!" said an apparition which seemed to emerge from the very walls of the Hellfire Club. "Put up your dukes, you feckless fiend!" shouted Skratch, bunching his paws into fists. "Let's see what you're made of!" "He's not made of anything," said the Wabbit, "he's a hologram." Skratch let fly and hit the ghoul on the chin with a hay maker punch, but his paw passed right through the bones. "We meet again my furry friends," said the Ghoul in a jocular voice. Skratch looked at the Wabbit quizzically. "Oh, really. Don't encourage it, let's just take the painting," said the Wabbit. "You may have the painting, It's you we want, Commander Wabbit," said the Ghoul. "Ignore him, he's only a recording, Skratch. Lend me a paw here," said the Wabbit. "this painting is quite heavy." "Are you sure it's a recording?" said Skratch. The Wabbit heaved a sigh, hopped across and addressed the Ghoul directly. "You look like a rummage sale," said the Wabbit and he made a rude sign with his paw. "I prefer boutique," said the Ghoul. "Aaaaagh!" shouted Skratch and the Wabbit as they dived on the painting. They staggered under its weight but dragged it to the top of the stairs at lightning speed. "Do you see what I see?" said Skratch. Six ghastly Ghouls drifted up the stairwell with the Euls crowding close behind.

6. The Wabbit and the God of Hell Fire

Skratch the Cat threw his paws in the air and a mighty boom shook the cavernous room. "My name is Lucy Fur!" he cried, "and I am the God of Hell Fire!" "He brings you fire," whispered the Wabbit. Skratch wheeled round ferociously. "Underlings, I apologise for my assistant, Soul Fur," said Skratch, "he is mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence." The Wabbit grinned and crept close to the fire. "Cold night, cold nose," he said inanely and clapped his paws. Skratch whirled back to address the cowed Euls. "I came for my winnings," he said. There was a murmuring and a whispering. "My winnings!" shouted Skratch. "Where's my winnings? I see no winnings! There's supposed to be winnings!" Skratch's shadow grew taller and taller. "Winnings, winnings, winnings!" he yelled and he jumped up and down. "Produce the winnings and we can all go home," said the Wabbit softly and he moved even closer to the fire. "I want my painting now," said Skratch in a dark, menacing tone. This time there was a terrible moan from the gathering. "Give me back my painting!" screeched Skratch and stamped and stamped. "He's not the devil, no cloven feet," shouted a Eul. "Oh, that's just an urban folk myth," said the Wabbit and he flicked something into the fire. "Upstairs Skratch!" he shouted as the room filled with fumes. "Smokin'" yelled Skratch.

5. The Wabbit and the Hellfire Club

At the top of the hill, the air was cold and clouds drifted across a strange moonless night. "My fur feels weird," said Skratch as he clung to the rough, sloping roof. "Mine too," said the Wabbit. "Where's Ghost Bunny?" asked Skratch. "On her way," said the Wabbit. "Shall we wait then?" said Skratch. "No," said the Wabbit. "Lets just go in." "Shall we knock?" asked Skratch. "We shall sweep in as if we owned the place," said the Wabbit. "You look a bit a devil, Skratch, so now you're the devil and you've come for your stuff." "What stuff?" said Skratch. "Your gambling winnings from card games," said the Wabbit, "Talk tough and show no mercy." "What about you?" said Skratch. "I will be your hopeless assistant." said the Wabbit. "Make fun of me and I will distract them." "I'm going to enjoy this," said Skratch. "Don't get used to it," said the Wabbit and he shivered as a drawn out groan issued from the depths of the building and echoed painfully around the roof. Gales of laughter pealed from the house and and flame spat from the window, blackening the stonework. "Let's go, my genial fool," said Skratch with a grim smile. "The devil always gets the best lines," said the Wabbit ruefully. Silently they dropped from the roof and swept through the dark entrance.

4. The Wabbit Investigates a Castle

As Skratch the Cat Burglar scaled the heights of the old abandoned castle, the Wabbit kept a look out. "What news?" he whispered into his radio. "Hang on Wabbit and I'll get a better hold," said Skratch as he scrabbled for grip on the slippery stone surface. "Take your time, what can you hear?" said the Wabbit. "It's the Euls, I can hear them laughing," said Skratch. "What about the valuable painting?" hissed the Wabbit. "They're talking about it now," said Skratch. "There's a bit of chat about Abstract Impressionism," he added. "Pshaw!" said the Wabbit. "We're not here for a seminar, Wabbit," said Skratch. "Wait a second, they said something about Wabbit Affairs then giggled." "Can you see them now?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes," said Skratch, "they're looking at glossy art books and pointing." "A kick in the arts is what these Euls need," said the Wabbit, "can you see our painting?" "It's not there," said Skratch, "it's somewhere else." "Grrrr! Where?" shouted the Wabbit. "Shhhh," said Skratch. There was a long silence while the Wabbit listened. Then the radio crackled. "It's the Hellfire Club. The painting is there." said Skratch. "The Carrot Club?" asked the Wabbit hopefully. "Hellfire!" said Skratch. Another silence fell and the Wabbit was glad Skratch couldn't see his face. "Hello Wabbit are you there? Hello?" said Skratch urgently. Suddenly the radio spluttered. "I was calling in Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit Lands

"I know where we are!" said the Wabbit. "Abu Dhabi!" said Skratch. "Submariners call everything Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. You've been had. This is Baile Atha Cliath." "Whosit?" asked Skratch. "Dublin," said the Wabbit and he grinned broadly with all of his 28 teeth. "I know my way around, Skratch," he said cheerfully. The Wabbit shook water from his fur and thought for a moment. "What are we doing here?" he asked. "We are here," said Skratch ponderously, "to retrieve an old painting, highly valued by the Department of Wabbit Affairs." "Ah," said the Wabbit as if he had known all along. "It's being held by our enemies in a secret location." said Skratch. "Then lets go and get it," said the Wabbit, drying his fur by patting it with his paws then watching the droplets fall on the dockside. "How shall we pass ourselves off?" asked Skratch. "We're poets," said the Wabbit. "There's more poets round here than you can shake a stick at." "But what if someone asks me to say something," asked Skratch. "Speak in rhyming couplets," said the Wabbit. "I am a burglar, name of Skratch," offered Skratch. "Now there's a cat they'll never catch," said the Wabbit. They grinned at each other. "What about our Canadian helpers?" asked Skratch. "Undersea poets," said the Wabbit. "From Wablantis," said Skratch. "You'll do well," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Torpedoes

"Skratch! I wasn't expecting you on board," said the Wabbit with the utmost surprise. "All hush hush," said Skratch. "The Department has made this mission part of my rehabilitation programme." "I didn't know it had one," said the Wabbit. "Oh yes," said Skratch. "I am officially in charge of getting stolen things back." "And how will you get these things back?" said the Wabbit. "Steal them," said Skratch. "I do hope you didn't steal that hat," said the Wabbit. "I borrowed it from the Weapon Engineer. I wanted to look right," said Skratch. "Well, if you want to get ahead get a hat," smiled the Wabbit. "So what's our ultimate destination Skratch?" "Hush, hush," said Skratch. "Will it take long?" asked the Wabbit. "Hush hush," said Skratch. "There's an echo in here," said the Wabbit with exasperation. "Echo in here?" said Skratch. The Wabbit chuckled for a while. "How do they propose to get us on shore, wherever it is?" he mused. "With these torpedoes," said Skratch. The Wabbit's fur raised somewhat. "They're going to fire us out of the submarine in torpedoes?" he asked. "One each. Boom, boom!" said Skratch. The Wabbit frowned. "Of course not Wabbit, we just have to swim out through the tubes," laughed Skratch. "I want a hat," sulked the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit goes to Sea

It was cold on the beach despite the sun and blue sky. The Wabbit shivered and listened to the chatter of Lapinette's helichopper engines fade. Before long he could hear the muffled sound of another set of engines and a submarine suddenly surfaced in what the Wabbit thought had been shallow waters. As usual, the Wabbit had only the barest of clues about his new mission. "You'll be briefed on the journey," Lapinette had told him. The Wabbit thought that was all very well, but he knew the journey would have been more comfortable by car. He barely tolerated submarines, because he couldn't look out from the bridge and shout instructions into a telephone. But the journey was to be conducted under the heaviest secrecy and no shouting was allowed. He would have to put up with it. So the Wabbit hopped into his small boat and made his way out. "Permission to board," called the Wabbit, saluting the ensign. "Come aboard Sir," said the Captain. Where submarines were concerned, the Wabbit always worried that things might break off, so he dealt with that first. "Angles and dangles, when you're ready," he chirped. "They don't like such manoeuvres in these waters, Sir," said the Captain. "They'll never know," said the Wabbit, "Crash dive when there's room." "Trim party," shouted the Captain to the crew. "Party already? Mine's an aperitivo," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's Drama Adventure Caffe

The Wabbit and Lapinette waited patiently for Skratch the Cat Burglar and Robot to join them. "What you both so long?" enquired Lapinette. "We were signing autographs at the stage door," said Skratch. "You predicted a riot," said Lapinette, turning to the Wabbit. "In the old days we would have had to scurry out of town before the trouble started," nodded the Wabbit knowledgeably. "What on earth for?" said Lapinette. "Having seen the play," said the Wabbit, "the apprentices would riot against social injustice and demand cheaper carrots."  "I think I can hear them now," said Lapinette and she twitched her ears. Everyone looked round and round then laughed. "Nice flowers," said the Wabbit. "Where did they come from?" "An unknown admirer," said Lapinette. "The Duck of Milan?" smiled the Wabbit. "Wabbit, they came from Giuliano Pisapia, and it's the Mayor these days, not a Duke," said Lapinette. "Oooh, where's my flowers?" asked the Wabbit. "You can have these," said Lapinette. "No, I'd give all my fame for a pot of aperitivo," said the Wabbit. "What about you Skratch?" "Latte caldo of course," said Skratch. "What's your poison?" asked the Wabbit of Robot who was making a grating sound. "Rubbing alcohol and cotton buds," said Robot.

6. The Wabbit takes a Bow

"How strange or odd some'er I bear myself, as I perchance hereafter shall think meet. To put an antic disposition on!" said the Wabbit sighing with relief to be at the end of his play. "I thought his lines were most trippingly spoken, the most antic of us all," said Lapinette pointing at Skratch. Skratch waved at the audience and smiled a broad grin. "When words are scarce they're hardly spent in vain and even though a cat, I had my day" said Skratch. "And I could smile and smile and be a villain," droned Robot. "But what occurs?" said the Wabbit. "The page is female, not a boy. She wore her gender in the fashion of a hat and all were fooled." "I was not fooled," said Robot, "but didst play along for fun and interest." "And now we must strip off the motley which we donned in jest and to our offstage lives return," said the Wabbit. "Doubtless, thou meanest to a hostelry repair for sustenance and aperitivi?" asked Lapinette. "I certainty doest," said the Wabbit. "Then let us not stand on the order of our going and proceed forthwith," said Skratch. So they all bowed low to the audience several times and exited the stage to much applause - and there were no catcalls whatsoever.