6. The Wabbit and the God of Hell Fire

Skratch the Cat threw his paws in the air and a mighty boom shook the cavernous room. "My name is Lucy Fur!" he cried, "and I am the God of Hell Fire!" "He brings you fire," whispered the Wabbit. Skratch wheeled round ferociously. "Underlings, I apologise for my assistant, Soul Fur," said Skratch, "he is mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence." The Wabbit grinned and crept close to the fire. "Cold night, cold nose," he said inanely and clapped his paws. Skratch whirled back to address the cowed Euls. "I came for my winnings," he said. There was a murmuring and a whispering. "My winnings!" shouted Skratch. "Where's my winnings? I see no winnings! There's supposed to be winnings!" Skratch's shadow grew taller and taller. "Winnings, winnings, winnings!" he yelled and he jumped up and down. "Produce the winnings and we can all go home," said the Wabbit softly and he moved even closer to the fire. "I want my painting now," said Skratch in a dark, menacing tone. This time there was a terrible moan from the gathering. "Give me back my painting!" screeched Skratch and stamped and stamped. "He's not the devil, no cloven feet," shouted a Eul. "Oh, that's just an urban folk myth," said the Wabbit and he flicked something into the fire. "Upstairs Skratch!" he shouted as the room filled with fumes. "Smokin'" yelled Skratch.

5. The Wabbit and the Hellfire Club

At the top of the hill, the air was cold and clouds drifted across a strange moonless night. "My fur feels weird," said Skratch as he clung to the rough, sloping roof. "Mine too," said the Wabbit. "Where's Ghost Bunny?" asked Skratch. "On her way," said the Wabbit. "Shall we wait then?" said Skratch. "No," said the Wabbit. "Lets just go in." "Shall we knock?" asked Skratch. "We shall sweep in as if we owned the place," said the Wabbit. "You look a bit a devil, Skratch, so now you're the devil and you've come for your stuff." "What stuff?" said Skratch. "Your gambling winnings from card games," said the Wabbit, "Talk tough and show no mercy." "What about you?" said Skratch. "I will be your hopeless assistant." said the Wabbit. "Make fun of me and I will distract them." "I'm going to enjoy this," said Skratch. "Don't get used to it," said the Wabbit and he shivered as a drawn out groan issued from the depths of the building and echoed painfully around the roof. Gales of laughter pealed from the house and and flame spat from the window, blackening the stonework. "Let's go, my genial fool," said Skratch with a grim smile. "The devil always gets the best lines," said the Wabbit ruefully. Silently they dropped from the roof and swept through the dark entrance.

4. The Wabbit Investigates a Castle

As Skratch the Cat Burglar scaled the heights of the old abandoned castle, the Wabbit kept a look out. "What news?" he whispered into his radio. "Hang on Wabbit and I'll get a better hold," said Skratch as he scrabbled for grip on the slippery stone surface. "Take your time, what can you hear?" said the Wabbit. "It's the Euls, I can hear them laughing," said Skratch. "What about the valuable painting?" hissed the Wabbit. "They're talking about it now," said Skratch. "There's a bit of chat about Abstract Impressionism," he added. "Pshaw!" said the Wabbit. "We're not here for a seminar, Wabbit," said Skratch. "Wait a second, they said something about Wabbit Affairs then giggled." "Can you see them now?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes," said Skratch, "they're looking at glossy art books and pointing." "A kick in the arts is what these Euls need," said the Wabbit, "can you see our painting?" "It's not there," said Skratch, "it's somewhere else." "Grrrr! Where?" shouted the Wabbit. "Shhhh," said Skratch. There was a long silence while the Wabbit listened. Then the radio crackled. "It's the Hellfire Club. The painting is there." said Skratch. "The Carrot Club?" asked the Wabbit hopefully. "Hellfire!" said Skratch. Another silence fell and the Wabbit was glad Skratch couldn't see his face. "Hello Wabbit are you there? Hello?" said Skratch urgently. Suddenly the radio spluttered. "I was calling in Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit Lands

"I know where we are!" said the Wabbit. "Abu Dhabi!" said Skratch. "Submariners call everything Abu Dhabi," said the Wabbit. You've been had. This is Baile Atha Cliath." "Whosit?" asked Skratch. "Dublin," said the Wabbit and he grinned broadly with all of his 28 teeth. "I know my way around, Skratch," he said cheerfully. The Wabbit shook water from his fur and thought for a moment. "What are we doing here?" he asked. "We are here," said Skratch ponderously, "to retrieve an old painting, highly valued by the Department of Wabbit Affairs." "Ah," said the Wabbit as if he had known all along. "It's being held by our enemies in a secret location." said Skratch. "Then lets go and get it," said the Wabbit, drying his fur by patting it with his paws then watching the droplets fall on the dockside. "How shall we pass ourselves off?" asked Skratch. "We're poets," said the Wabbit. "There's more poets round here than you can shake a stick at." "But what if someone asks me to say something," asked Skratch. "Speak in rhyming couplets," said the Wabbit. "I am a burglar, name of Skratch," offered Skratch. "Now there's a cat they'll never catch," said the Wabbit. They grinned at each other. "What about our Canadian helpers?" asked Skratch. "Undersea poets," said the Wabbit. "From Wablantis," said Skratch. "You'll do well," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Torpedoes

"Skratch! I wasn't expecting you on board," said the Wabbit with the utmost surprise. "All hush hush," said Skratch. "The Department has made this mission part of my rehabilitation programme." "I didn't know it had one," said the Wabbit. "Oh yes," said Skratch. "I am officially in charge of getting stolen things back." "And how will you get these things back?" said the Wabbit. "Steal them," said Skratch. "I do hope you didn't steal that hat," said the Wabbit. "I borrowed it from the Weapon Engineer. I wanted to look right," said Skratch. "Well, if you want to get ahead get a hat," smiled the Wabbit. "So what's our ultimate destination Skratch?" "Hush, hush," said Skratch. "Will it take long?" asked the Wabbit. "Hush hush," said Skratch. "There's an echo in here," said the Wabbit with exasperation. "Echo in here?" said Skratch. The Wabbit chuckled for a while. "How do they propose to get us on shore, wherever it is?" he mused. "With these torpedoes," said Skratch. The Wabbit's fur raised somewhat. "They're going to fire us out of the submarine in torpedoes?" he asked. "One each. Boom, boom!" said Skratch. The Wabbit frowned. "Of course not Wabbit, we just have to swim out through the tubes," laughed Skratch. "I want a hat," sulked the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit goes to Sea

It was cold on the beach despite the sun and blue sky. The Wabbit shivered and listened to the chatter of Lapinette's helichopper engines fade. Before long he could hear the muffled sound of another set of engines and a submarine suddenly surfaced in what the Wabbit thought had been shallow waters. As usual, the Wabbit had only the barest of clues about his new mission. "You'll be briefed on the journey," Lapinette had told him. The Wabbit thought that was all very well, but he knew the journey would have been more comfortable by car. He barely tolerated submarines, because he couldn't look out from the bridge and shout instructions into a telephone. But the journey was to be conducted under the heaviest secrecy and no shouting was allowed. He would have to put up with it. So the Wabbit hopped into his small boat and made his way out. "Permission to board," called the Wabbit, saluting the ensign. "Come aboard Sir," said the Captain. Where submarines were concerned, the Wabbit always worried that things might break off, so he dealt with that first. "Angles and dangles, when you're ready," he chirped. "They don't like such manoeuvres in these waters, Sir," said the Captain. "They'll never know," said the Wabbit, "Crash dive when there's room." "Trim party," shouted the Captain to the crew. "Party already? Mine's an aperitivo," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit's Drama Adventure Caffe

The Wabbit and Lapinette waited patiently for Skratch the Cat Burglar and Robot to join them. "What you both so long?" enquired Lapinette. "We were signing autographs at the stage door," said Skratch. "You predicted a riot," said Lapinette, turning to the Wabbit. "In the old days we would have had to scurry out of town before the trouble started," nodded the Wabbit knowledgeably. "What on earth for?" said Lapinette. "Having seen the play," said the Wabbit, "the apprentices would riot against social injustice and demand cheaper carrots."  "I think I can hear them now," said Lapinette and she twitched her ears. Everyone looked round and round then laughed. "Nice flowers," said the Wabbit. "Where did they come from?" "An unknown admirer," said Lapinette. "The Duck of Milan?" smiled the Wabbit. "Wabbit, they came from Giuliano Pisapia, and it's the Mayor these days, not a Duke," said Lapinette. "Oooh, where's my flowers?" asked the Wabbit. "You can have these," said Lapinette. "No, I'd give all my fame for a pot of aperitivo," said the Wabbit. "What about you Skratch?" "Latte caldo of course," said Skratch. "What's your poison?" asked the Wabbit of Robot who was making a grating sound. "Rubbing alcohol and cotton buds," said Robot.

6. The Wabbit takes a Bow

"How strange or odd some'er I bear myself, as I perchance hereafter shall think meet. To put an antic disposition on!" said the Wabbit sighing with relief to be at the end of his play. "I thought his lines were most trippingly spoken, the most antic of us all," said Lapinette pointing at Skratch. Skratch waved at the audience and smiled a broad grin. "When words are scarce they're hardly spent in vain and even though a cat, I had my day" said Skratch. "And I could smile and smile and be a villain," droned Robot. "But what occurs?" said the Wabbit. "The page is female, not a boy. She wore her gender in the fashion of a hat and all were fooled." "I was not fooled," said Robot, "but didst play along for fun and interest." "And now we must strip off the motley which we donned in jest and to our offstage lives return," said the Wabbit. "Doubtless, thou meanest to a hostelry repair for sustenance and aperitivi?" asked Lapinette. "I certainty doest," said the Wabbit. "Then let us not stand on the order of our going and proceed forthwith," said Skratch. So they all bowed low to the audience several times and exited the stage to much applause - and there were no catcalls whatsoever.

5. The Wabbit and Leonardo's Tank

[The friends have taken the Inquisitor inside Leonardo's Cat's invention] " See thou," said the Wabbit, pointing around. "This is but a simple device composed of cogs and wheels. There is no sorcery here." "Just science as hard and cold as the forged metal of these blades," said Leonardo's Cat. Lapinette looked up through the tank's lookout hatch. "But soft," she said, "what light through yonder turret breaks? It speaks and says yet nothing." "Then like the light, we will say nothing of the matter," said the Inquisitor and clapped his hands. "Inquisitor, there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so," said the Wabbit. "Then I find that this is good," said the Inquisitor. "Yet my thoughts are whirled like a potter's wheel; I know not where I am nor what I do. Does this house move?" "In any direction," said Leonardo's Cat. "if the screws be turned." "Then let us turn them and a new direction find," said the Inquisitor. "'Tis best 'tis we who turn the screws and that our paws do hardly suffer in their turning," said the Wabbit, glancing shrewdly at the Inquisitor. The Inquisitor nodded gracefully enough - and turned to look somewhat cautiously at Leonardo's Cat. Lapinette clapped her paws in applause. "All's well that ends well," she said with a smile.

4. The Wabbit and the Inquisition

[The scene is Leonardo's Cat's house where he is displaying his tank-like military invention to his new friends. Suddenly from stage left, Robot's electronic voice booms out.] "I am the Inquisition. You will be exterminated!" "Excommunicated," hissed the Wabbit. "You will be excommunicated," said Robot, "for sorcery." "But he is no sorcerer," said the Wabbit. "He is but a friendly fool who knows not his own mind yet plays with it as a cat plays with a ball of wool." "He has built a magic house the like of which has not been seen," said Robot, "and we will have none of it." Just at that very moment, Lapinette emerged from Leonardo's Cat's tank. "Oh what a splendid place to meeteth and greeteth," said Lapinette. "I will inform my master so and he will order three score. "And who is your master, youthful page?" asked Robot. "Lodovico Sforza," said Lapinette. "The Duke of Milan," said the Wabbit. "We play skittles together then indulge in a game of primero with biscottini thereafter." "And that is what this tank is for," said Lapinette. "It's for knocking down skittles from afar." "Though this be madness yet there's method in't" said Robot but he was interrupted by a yowling from above. "O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I," meaowed Leonardo's Cat, "see how the Cat doth caper." And with that he screeched and frantically waved his paws. "What a caterwauling do you keep here?" asked Robot. "Now there's a cat that really is gone," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit & Leonardo's Flying Machine

Lapinette flung her legs akimbo and threw her hat in the air. "Wheee!" she cried as they took off from the top of a building. "Lo, we doth bestride the narrow world," yelled Leonardo's Cat. "What dost this lever?" asked the Wabbit, who was poking around. "It takes us up or down," said Leonardo's Cat. "Oh does it really?" said the Wabbit with enthusiasm and he pulled it. The plane soared high by the rooftops and soon people on the ground looked like tiny models. "What other inventions dost thou have under thy hat?" said the Wabbit. "Nothing much," said Leonardo's Cat. "Well, what?" asked the Wabbit. "A heli-chopper, a tank, a submarine, a steam powered cannon, a hydraulic pump and a thing for taking boy scouts out of horses hooves," said Leonardo's Cat. "Gadzooks!" said the Wabbit. "What do you do with them all?" "I test them," said Leonardo's Cat. "I boasteth not and make my notes in Latin so the Inquisition pays no heed." "What do people say?" said the Wabbit, as he looked down at the small figures below. "They laugh like drains," said Leonardo's cat, "which suits my purpose well." "What then is your purpose?" said the Wabbit. "To have a lot of fun," said Leonardo's Cat. The Wabbit pulled the lever one more time. "Wheeee!" cried Lapinette as the plane shot in the air.

2. The Wabbit and Leonardo's Cat

"Look!" said Lapinette. "There's Leonardo's Cat, who carries on his master's work using old notes." "What it that flying contraption?" said the Wabbit under his breath. "It is a flying bird," said Leonardo's cat, who's hearing was sharp. "I oft observed these winged demons go about the tormentation of my species and so made my own." "That they should torment you further?" asked the Wabbit. "No! So that I could pursue them farther," said the Cat. The Wabbit whispered to Lapinette. "Let's ask him if he has a larger one with levers and pulleys." "I wish you would address me here, and I will answer you directly," said Leonardo's Cat. "I have a larger version and I did labour long and hard in its creation." "No rude mechanical you, that sports an asses head!" said the Wabbit and ruffled his ruffle. Lapinette span around and slapped her thigh twice. "Let us stout men repair to your abode and make merry with your bird machine." she said. "It's not finished," said Leonardo's Cat. "We may assist you complete your arduous task," suggested the Wabbit. "Then I will lead the way," said Leonardo's Cat." "Oh, let's go paw in paw, not one before another," said Lapinette. And so they did.

1. The Wabbit: Waiting for Leonardo

[Hush! Here comes the Wabbit and he is late for Leonardo. He spies what he thinks is a comely young man and enquires of him the situation.] "Young page, passes Leonardo da Vinci this way perchance?" said the Wabbit. Lapinette waved her hat across her face and quietly murmured. "Good Sir. Leonardo oft times passed, but now more often not, since he has passed his last." The Wabbit looked at the young man and there was surely something familiar about this page. "I have some time, and I will wait," shrugged the Wabbit. "Then you may wait some time," laughed Lapinette and slapped her side. "What is time but our perception of its passing?" said the Wabbit sagely. "Time with some fool hangs heavy as an iron coat," said Lapinette, "to be worn for a lifetime's duration." "Yet time with you is fleeting," said the Wabbit who was enjoying the company of the young page. "Then lets us wait together," said Lapinette, "and note what happens." "It's as if this is a stage and we are merely players, waiting to deliver our lines," said the Wabbit. Lapinette hopped forward and doffed her cap. "But the play's the thing," she said.

The Wabbit and the Better Adventure Café

The Wabbit listened as Lapinette regaled him about what a nice café she had found. She was saying that not many people knew of it, when the Wabbit saw a waiter approaching. "Commander, how nice to see you!" said the waiter. "Oh, hello," said the Wabbit quietly. "Wabbit Special as usual?" asked the waiter. "Make it two," said the Wabbit diplomatically. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit as their aperitivi arrived and she draped herself across a chair. "I'm forced to come here from time to time," said the Wabbit apologetically. "And forced to drink carrot aperitivo from a wine glass?" said Lapinette sternly. "I fly in the face of convention," said the Wabbit. "You daredevil," laughed Lapinette. "What kind of adventure was that anyway?" she said. "Oh merely a star vehicle," said the Wabbit. "because there was little tension but lots of colour and interest." "Who was the star?" asked Lapinette coyly. "Oh you, without a doubt," said the Wabbit, who was anxious to make amends for knowing the café. "What did you put in the Skuttle's wine?" asked Lapinette. "Nitro," replied the Wabbit. "Oh, nitrous oxide," said Lapinette with a giggle. "No, it was nitroglycerin." said the Wabbit. "Crumbs!" said Lapinette and she picked up her glass and sniffed it. "Another cocktail of my own," said the Wabbit. "What's in it?" said Lapinette. "Nitro," said the Wabbit. Lapinette tasted it. "Delicious," she said.

8. The Wabbit and the duff Jukebox

The Wabbit was disgruntled. "What's this for a sort of restaurant?" he asked Lapinette. "It's what was open," said Lapinette, "but there's no-one here." "I'm not entirely surprised," said the Wabbit. For a while he hopped around looking for a waiter. "Hello hello!" he cried," but there was simply no answer. "Perhaps they've all gone for a break," said Lapinette. "Hmmph," said the Wabbit, "what's on the juke box?" Lapinette had a good long look. "Nothing you'd like," she said. "There must be something," said the Wabbit. "I don't think so!" said Lapinette sharply. "Try me," said the Wabbit. "Una Paloma Blanca?" suggested Lapinette. "Yikes!" said the Wabbit and his fur stood on end. Lapinette studied the play list again. "Vamos a la Playa perhaps?" she asked. "Baila baila ho!" groaned the Wabbit and slapped his head with a paw. "Tie me Kangaroo Down by Rolf Harris, Cha Cha Cha version," said Lapinette. "I don't think I have any C4 explosive left," said the Wabbit. "Found one!" said Lapinette. "Lets have it," said the Wabbit. "It's Charlie Drake," announced Lapinette as she dropped an emergency coin into the slot. "Oom yacka wurka. Oom yacka wurka," chanted the Wabbit and he beat his paws on the table to the music. "Lets get out of here," said Lapinette, "I know somewhere else." "I'm a big disgrace t' the Waborigine race," sang the Wabbit. "Your boomerang won't come back!" sighed Lapinette as she dragged the Wabbit away.