The Wabbits in the City

The early evening sun painted the buildings golden and the Wabbits went out on the roof. "We usually sing on the roof," said the Wabbit. "Well what's the song this time?" asked Lapinette, "it's your turn to choose." The Wabbit thought and thought. "I don't know any more rooftop songs," he said finally, "but I do know one with a rooftop in it." Lapinette hopped up and down. "Take it away, Wabbit" she cried. The Wabbit turned to Lapinette and started to croon. "Cool town, evening in the city. I'm dressed so fine and looking so pretty!" "You are, your are," sighed Lapinette. "Cool cat lookin' for a kitty, Gonna look in every corner of the city!" sang the Wabbit, "till I'm wheezing like a bus stop!" Lapinette laughed and laughed as the Wabbit pretended to puff and pant. "Running up the stairs gonna meet ya on the roof top," rhymed the Wabbit. "You did you did!" yelled Lapinette. "Despite the heat it will be alright, and babe, don't you know it's a pity," crooned the Wabbit. "What's the pity?" chanted Lapinette. "That the days can't be like the night, in the summer in the city, in the summer in the city," sang the Wabbit. "Oh Wabbit, it's such a pity it’s not the summer," said Lapinette. "We're still hot," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit & the Saints Adventure Caffe

The Wabbit waited as his friends assembled at the table because he was going to make a short speech. "Don't go on and on," whispered Lapinette. "Who me?" said the Wabbit and he cleared his throat. "I was just going to thank everyone for their support." "Where are the others?" asked Skratch. "Collecting the food ordered from my electronic menu," said Robot. "Well, I'm making a preliminary toast, while we wait," said Skratch. "Do proceed," said the Wabbit and he lifted a glass. "To Saint Barbara," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "The Patron Saint of explosions," said Cardinal Lapin. "Oooooh," said the Wabbit. "And the Italian navy," added Skratch. "Then that's the perfect Saint for me," said the Wabbit. "It should be St Denis," said Lapinette. "Why he?" asked the Wabbit. "Patron Saint of headaches," laughed Lapinette. "Saint Elizabeth of Hungary is for Lapinette," said Skratch, "since she is so very lovely." "I really can't help it," said Lapinette. "Is there a Patron Saint for me?" asked Snail. "St Anthony is the Saint who deals with hunger," said Lapinette with a grin. "Surely there must be one for me too?" asked Skratch. "St Dismas," said Cardinal Lapin, "he's the Saint of reformed thieves." The Wabbit was beginning to hum a tune. "How I want be in that number," he murmured. Everyone turned to stare. "When the Saints go marching in!" sang the Wabbit. 

13. The Wabbit and Osteria dei Pontefici

"Bless you my children, what's for dinner?" said Cardinal Lapin. "Anything on the menu, courtesy of the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said Lapinette. "Then I'll have consommé to start with," said the Cardinal, "and a bottle of the finest Prosecco." "Cardboard carpaccio," said Snail. "Make mine fish," said Skratch. "Scarrots!" yelled Ghost Bunny." Bruschetta," said Robot. "I'm partial to thistles," said Franco.  "They're setting our table now," said the Wabbit, "and there are Christmas Crackers still, with small useless objects inside." "And bad jokes," said Snail. "I refuse to wear the paper hat," said Puma, "they're too tight and make my head hot." Lapinette looked round at everyone. "Has anyone else got any complaints about the crackers?" she said with a tone of exasperation in her voice. "Yes," said Skratch, "they often fail to crack and cause disappointment." "Well we've had quite enough explosions for one day," said Lapinette. "I hear the plan went well," said Cardinal Lapin. "The Wabbit varied your plan," said Lapinette, "and he nearly exploded half of Rome." "I call it added value," smiled the Wabbit. "Are the wicked Agents of Rabit extinguished, Wabbit?" asked Cardinal Lapin. "Heads rolled," said the Wabbit. "The Lord moves in mysterious ways, my son," said Cardinal Lapin, "his head rolling to perform."

12. The Wabbit and the Extra Ingredient

Just as the two hopped stealthily away, there was a multicoloured flash of light and the Wabbit made Lapinette duck as an incredible blast sent the Agents of Rabit spiralling high above the building. "There's something in the air," sang the Wabbit tunefully and he smiled and dusted his paws. Lapinette stared at the Wabbit. "That wasn't in Cardinal Lapin's plan," she gasped. "A little extra ingredient of my own, just to make sure," said the Wabbit. "Good grief Wabbit, you nearly took out the whole block," said Lapinette. "Skratch got me a small something from the Navy Surplus store," said the Wabbit. "Go on, tell me," sighed Lapinette. "A quantity of M789 Dual Purpose Incendiary," said the Wabbit, "why do you think we needed the battery?" "You could have told me," said Lapinette. "It wouldn't have been a surprise," said the Wabbit. Lapinette groaned. "How can you keep a detonator in your fur?" she asked. "I don't routinely go to the furdresser," said the Wabbit. "You're spooky," said Lapinette. "I'm a secret agent," said the Wabbit. Lapinette couldn't help laughing. "The Agents of Rabit won't be giggling now," she murmured. "Well, I don't know about that," grinned the Wabbit, "because now they're in bits."

11. The Wabbit lights the Fuse

The Wabbit's ears flapped slightly and the lighter flame made them into eerie shadows on the wall.  Lapinette pulled the rope taut and waited patiently. "Don't keep flicking the lighter, Wabbit," said Lapinette. "You'll use the gas up."  "I told you I should have brought a refillable one," said the Wabbit, "there's less waste and more fun." "What happened to your Zippo?" asked Lapinette. "The hinge broke," said the Wabbit. "You should have had it replaced," said Lapinette. "I returned it and they sent back the wrong one," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "Mine had Sean Connery engraved on the front and they sent me Pierce Brosnan." "Poor you," said Lapinette, "anyway, you shouldn't have played it with it so much." "Shh here they come!" said the Wabbit and he flicked the his lighter into life. They both waited for a while but nothing happened. "Do you think the Agents of Rabit understood the fake plan," said Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "I heard them giggling and giggling." "Do you think they have hysteria?" asked Lapinette. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit, "and any little thing will render them apopleptic." Just then they heard a strange cackling and the Wabbit put his paw up for silence and prepared to light his Roman Candle. "Perhaps we overdid it with the inflammables," whispered  Lapinette. "Never give a sucker an even break," said the Wabbit. With uncanny accuracy he ignited the fuse in a long spurt of lighter flame. As the Roman Candle began to splutter he grinned at Lapinette. "Happy New Year!" he whispered.

10. The Wabbit lures his Enemies

The Wabbit couldn't help glancing up as Ghost Bunny deliberately dropped his fake plans for the Agents of Rabit. He did not look behind him, but in his fur he could feel them rejoicing and he could hear evil cackling as they tore across the field to grab his notebook. The Wabbit had thought for a long time about what to write to lure his enemies into a trap. After several attempts he wrote. "Higglemus, pigglemas, seven days after Sqigglemus." The Wabbit wondered if that was difficult enough but he pondered for a while and continued. "We will find ourselves in the pink on the high hill - and there behind the shuttered door, all secrets will be revealed." He then sketched a map with careful directions and made some random doodling in the shape of farmyard animals, which he then filled in with colourful crayons. But the Wabbit thought it needed something to make it complete and he had another think. Then he started to smile and he wrote. "O si vile, si ergo, Fortibus es inero! O nobile, demis trux, Vadis indem? Causem dux." "What in Pluto does that mean, Wabbit," asked Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit started chuckling and couldn't stop. "Wabbit!" shouted Ghost Bunny. "OK OK," said the Wabbit, "you just have to say it properly. It's "Oh see, Billy, see her go! Forty buses in a row! Oh, no, Billy, them is trucks. What is in them? Cows and ducks."" Ghost Bunny looked at the Wabbit and shook her head just like Lapinette. "I've been saving that one for the right moment," said the Wabbit.

9. The Wabbit, the Statues and the Flammable Canisters

"Psst, Trixie!" whispered the Wabbit, who had finally remembered everyone's code names. "Where are you, Wabbit?" said Lapinette. "Behind the statue," said the Wabbit, "I was just talking to this fine fellow about Plato." Lapinette looked round to see the Wabbit bathed in orange floodlighting. "What does he say about Plato then?" said Lapinette. "He says Plato was before his time," said the Wabbit. Lapinette sighed and wondered if the Wabbit would ever stop talking to strange statues. "I've got the sprays!" she said and she waved two cans of fur lacquer."Are they highly flammable?" said the Wabbit. "The propellants are dangerously so," said Lapinette. The Wabbit rubbed his paws together as if he was warming them at a log fire. "I love vinyl chloride!" he chortled. "They took that out of fur spray," said Lapinette, "because it was toxic and carcinogenic. "Oh fiddlesticks," said the Wabbit with disappointment. "But I found two old canisters under the sink," said Lapinette with triumph.  "Excellent!" cried the Wabbit. "Did you get the screws, hinges and ironmongery bits?" asked Lapinette. "They're here in my fur," said the Wabbit. "I thought you were clanking a bit," said Lapinette. "Are you setting a trap?" asked the statue suddenly. "It's very hush-hush!" said the Wabbit. "I won't breathe a word," said the statue, "but would you mind setting a trap for that statue there?"  "Why?" said Lapinette and the Wabbit in unison. "He stole my parchment," said the statue.

8. The Wabbit Undercover

The Wabbit could be heard a long way off. "Hot sauce, everything hot, get it while it's hot," he shouted. He was working undercover at the Calabrian stall in the market whilst his team gathered the materials he needed to expedite Cardinal Lapin's plan. The Wabbit tried hard to remember everyone's code names with varying success. "Have you got the battery, Klaw?" he said to Skratch. "I found this one," said Skratch. "Are you sure it's big enough?" said the Wabbit. "It was the biggest and it cost me plenty," said Skratch. "I have the string," said Snail, "and my code name today is Slither." "OK Slither, well done!" said the Wabbit, "but where's Lapinette?" "Ahem, it's Trixie Beaujolais and she's obtaining the spray canisters from the furdressers," said Skratch. "Excellent," said the Wabbit, "we will soon be ready." "What shall we do in the meantime?" said Skratch. "Eat," said Snail. "May I offer you a jar of hot Calabrian peppers?" asked the Wabbit, who was desperate to sell something. "Not for me," said Snail, "they will upset my tummy. But I will eat the cardboard tray upon which they sit." "I have some here for you, Slither," said the Wabbit and Snail set about the cardboard with gusto. "Mmm," he said, "it's rather spicy, too." "Everything from Calabria is hot," said the Wabbit. "Even the flowerpots?" asked Skratch. "Especially the flowerpots," replied the Wabbit. "May I buy a good luck charm?" asked Skratch. "Certainly, Klaw," said the Wabbit. "I'll have a corno portafortuna," said Skratch. "Potent," said the Wabbit, "I had better buy it for you." "Thanks, but why?" said Skratch. "It will double your  luck," said the Wabbit.

corno portafortuna: good luck charm to chase away the evil spirits, typical of Calabria and Naples

7. The Wabbit and Cardinal Lapin

The Wabbit was continuing to track down the Agents of Rabit when he saw a Cardinal approaching the tram stop. "Wabbit, my son," said the Cardinal, "Christmas blessings upon you!" The Wabbit tried hard to remember how to address a Cardinal and thought through a whole list before deciding. The Cardinal waited patiently with a smile because he had been through this before. "Hello Your Eminence," said the Wabbit finally. "Are you Cardinal Lapin by any chance?" "I am," said the Cardinal, "and we need stand on no ceremony when we are both fighting the forces of evil." "I am waiting on the Agents of Rabit to make their next move," said the Wabbit. "Then we must trick them," said Cardinal Lapin. "Do you have any good tricks?" said the Wabbit. "I have played a few," said the Cardinal, "mostly at doctrinal committees." "And they all work?" said the Wabbit. "No-one suspects Cardinal Lapin," smiled the Cardinal and he paused for a moment. "Do you prefer sprays, explosions or electric shocks?" he asked. "All three," said the Wabbit without hesitation. "Then we shall need some canisters, elastic bands, hinges, hooks, screws, batteries and patience," said the Cardinal. "I'll put my team on it immediately," said the Wabbit. "What is Rabit's weak point?" said the Cardinal. "They're smug," said the Wabbit. "Then they think they're wonderful," said the Cardinal, "so our task will be easier. We'll persuade them they are oh so clever." "But how?" asked the Wabbit. "We will make a secret plan for them to steal," said the Cardinal. "Then what?" asked the Wabbit. "Kaboom!" said the Cardinal.

6. The Wabbit poses for a Photograph

The Wabbit hopped quickly around Rome on Christmas Day and he took a circuitous route to see if he could find the Agents of Rabit. But he saw no-one and speculated that even his enemies might have a day off sometimes. So he crossed the River Tiber and was taking a short cut through St Peter's Square when he heard a friendly voice. "Commander, Sir. Do come and have your photograph taken," said a Swiss Guard dressed in a most colourful uniform. "I don't mind if I do," said the Wabbit and he hopped between two soldiers and posed. "Have you seen any Agents of Rabit?" he asked. "What do they look like?" asked a Guard. "Oh you'd know them if you saw them," replied the Wabbit, "they're very dark and have long pointy ears and horrible gnashing teeth." "We do see some funny things," said a Guard. "We'll keep a look out," said the other. "And if we see them what shall we do?" asked the first Guard. "On no account approach them," said the Wabbit, "they are armed and dangerous." "So are we," said the second Guard and they all laughed heartily. "Well, have a good Christmas," said the Wabbit. "You too!" said the Guards in unison, "but where shall we send your pictures?" "Don't worry, I'll be back," said the Wabbit. "Can we be of any further assistance, Commander?" asked a Guard. "Do you still use Heckler and Koch MP5s?" asked the Wabbit. "Hardly ever at Christmas." said the Guard. "My I order one of your coats of many colours?" said the Wabbit. "You need to speak to the boss," said the Guard firmly.

5. The Wabbit and the Agents of Rabit

The Wabbit had hopped into a corner of the Pantheon just to see what was going on and after investigation had decided that that nothing much was happening. But as he turned to leave, his ears pricked to a crumbling sound and he jumped as small stones scattered on the ground around him. As he turned to look up he could hear the sinister cackle of a sinister rabbit peering over a wall. As larger rocks rained around him, the Wabbit took off with a turn of speed that would have surprised his friends and he loped around the circular building. He was too late. He could only catch sight of the pointed tail of a dark rabbit disappearing into a maze of small streets and he cursed several times under his breath. "That was close," thought the Wabbit as he hopped rapidly in the general direction of the Piazza Navona, But he could find nothing more dangerous than a smattering of tourists buying souvenirs and multi coloured balloons. "He had to go somewhere," thought the Wabbit and he stayed in the shadows and glanced back to the Pantheon. The light had begun to fade a little but he could just see the pointed ears and rancid teeth of an Agent of Rabit who had expertly regained his original position. The Agent waved but before the Wabbit could reach him, he somehow vanished, leaving only a cackling sound of derision. "He who laughs last, has the laughiest laugh, or something like that," muttered the Wabbit and he took a small piece of Pantheon brickwork, placed it carefully in a plastic bag which he kept in his fur and called out loud, "There are no hoppy endings for the "Agents of Rabit!"

4. The Wabbit directs the Traffic

The Wabbit waited patiently at a junction on the Via Gregorio VII until Franco and Snail hove into sight. Then, taking over the intersection as if he was a policeman, he waved them all through. “Look the other way, you’re not in Cornwall now!” he yelled to Snail’s driver and his mate, the two Cornish pilgrims. “Thanks Luvver, are we here?” said the driver as the truck lurched to a stop. “Yes, you can park in the Big Coach Park,” said the Wabbit and turned to Franco. “But what happened, Franco?  What held you up?” “I had to replace the spark plugs and set the points,” said Franco. “Yes,” said Snail, “and we had time for a lovely snack at a roadside cafe.” “On a cardboard tray?” asked the Wabbit. “I had two!” said Snail and he wiggled his antennae. “Anywhere to get fags around here?” asked the driver’s mate. “At the tobacconist across the road,” said the Wabbit, “and you can also get a lottery ticket and scale models of planes and helicopters, which are better for your health.” “l’ll bear it in mind my lovely," said the driver’s mate and he jumped out. The Wabbit watched him leap around, dodging the traffic, and he flinched as a bus narrowly missed him. “Buses have right of way in the middle lane,” he shouted and covered his eyes.  “Where’s our camp?” asked Franco. “Over there by the ecological car wash,” said the Wabbit. “How can it be ecological?” said Franco. “No water,” said the Wabbit. “I can’t believe that, Sir,” said Franco, forgetting to address the Wabbit informally. “Neither does anyone else, I’ve never seen a soul use it,” said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit meets his friends in a Jiffy

The friends gathered at San Pietro Railway Station to meet Puma, as Thunder the Steam Train arrived. Lapinette was so excited she hopped quickly across the rails to greet everyone. “Welcome to Rome,” she cried, and stretched out her paws. “Somehow, Robot and I managed to arrive at the same time,” said Skratch the Cat Burglar with glee. “My train journey was most entertaining,” said Puma, “We raised several hundred euro for children with special needs.” Lapinette clapped her paws in delight and noticed that Robot was also eager to recount their adventures. “Skratch drove me past the Roma FC football stadium,” said Robot to Lapinette with enthusiasm. “I saw the most famous Francesco Totti arriving and he waved to me!” By this time the Wabbit was beginning to feel quite left out. “Hello,” he shouted from across the track. “Are you all feeling hungry?” “Quite peckish,” said Skratch. “Now that reminds me,” said the Wabbit, “where’s Snail and Franco?” “Snail’s  hitch hiking lift broke down and Franco stopped to help them make running repairs,” said Skratch, “they’ll be along in a jiffy.” “What is a jiffy?” asked the Wabbit, “I thought it was some kind of mail bag." “These days it means ‘in a very short time’ and is a unit of measurement in quantum physics,” pronounced Skratch, “but it used to be the word for lightning in the ancient language of thieves.”  Skratch grinned and loped up the platform to hug the Wabbit, who then looked rather embarrassed. “But what of our enemies, the hated Agents of Rabit?” asked Puma. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll be here in a jiffy,” said the Wabbit.

Jiffy: A jiffy is, is defined by Edward R. Harrison, as the time it takes for light to travel one Fermi, which is the size of a nucleon. One Fermi is 10−15 m, so a jiffy is about 3 × 10−24 seconds.

2. The Wabbit arrives in Style

Ghost Bunny made sure that the dreaded Agents of Rabit were long lost in the clouds above Turin and quickly guided Turbina the Jet Car into Rome. “I’m looking forward to being undercover,” said the Wabbit. “I got you a series of posts at various stalls in the City,” replied Lapinette. “But I wanted to be a news vendor,” said the Wabbit. “And so you shall,” said Lapinette, “but through my various contacts, I have arranged a short period where you will sell good luck charms.” “Oh lovely,” said the Wabbit, “and what shall I wear?” “Just your normal coat,” said Lapinette. “Then what am I taking for luck?” said the Wabbit. “Me,” said Lapinette. Turbina the Jet Car hooted his horn and his after burn left a long vapour trail in the cold air. The Wabbit smiled and nodded his head. “I am still uncertain what the mission exactly entails,” he said. “The less you know the better,” said Lapinette, “so keep your ears keen,  your eyes open and get ready to hop when the time is right. “Is it about organised crime?” said the Wabbit. “All crime is organised,” said Lapinette. “Is it about injustice and exclusion then?” asked the Wabbit.” “Everything is,” said Lapinette. “Recovering a lost object?” asked the Wabbit. “We are all lost and found,” said Lapinette. “Uncovering a dastardly plot against us wabbits,” said the Wabbit. “I’m not saying,” said Lapinette. “Then that’s it,” said the Wabbit and he thought for a while. “So what are you taking for luck?” he asked. “A Beretta 93R machine pistol,” said Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Forgotten List

Lovely Lapinette looked at the Wabbit across Turbina the Jet Car and the Wabbit looked back at Lapinette. "Are you ready?" asked Lapinette. "I am," said the Wabbit. "Have you got everything?" said Lapinette. "I have," said the Wabbit. "Are you sure?" asked Lapinette. "Not any more," said the Wabbit. "Where's your list?" asked Lapinette. "In my other coat," moaned the Wabbit, looking sheepish. "Well, I do have a copy," said Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned. "You always have a copy!" he cheered. "Don't rely on it," said Lapinette. "Anyway, where's your salad sandwich in case you get hungry?" "In the salad crisper," said the Wabbit. "Turbina doesn't have salad crisper," said Lapinette. "I do now," said Turbina in a complaining voice. "I've never known anything get crisp in a salad crisper," said Lapinette. "It's an experiment," said the Wabbit. Lapinette covered her eyes with her paws and groaned. "I'm more worried about these helichoppers," said the Wabbit, "so I asked Ghost Bunny to torment them. The both looked up and caught sight of Ghost Bunny chasing a sinister black helichopper into a cloud. "The Agents of Rabit?" asked Lapinette." They're getting in my hair," said the Wabbit. "Think we can shake them off?" said Lapinette. "At least we know where they are," said the Wabbit. "Behind the clouds?" said Lapinette. "I'll get Ghost Bunny to keep track of them and when we get to Rome, we'll lure them into a trap." said the Wabbit. "I'll have had a word with Cardinal Lapin," said Lapinette, "he's good at traps." "How good?" asked the Wabbit. "Firecrackers, duct tape and a toilet seat," said Lapinette. "I’ll put him on my list" said the Wabbit. "You forgot your list," said Lapinette.