7. The Wabbit and Cardinal Lapin

The Wabbit was continuing to track down the Agents of Rabit when he saw a Cardinal approaching the tram stop. "Wabbit, my son," said the Cardinal, "Christmas blessings upon you!" The Wabbit tried hard to remember how to address a Cardinal and thought through a whole list before deciding. The Cardinal waited patiently with a smile because he had been through this before. "Hello Your Eminence," said the Wabbit finally. "Are you Cardinal Lapin by any chance?" "I am," said the Cardinal, "and we need stand on no ceremony when we are both fighting the forces of evil." "I am waiting on the Agents of Rabit to make their next move," said the Wabbit. "Then we must trick them," said Cardinal Lapin. "Do you have any good tricks?" said the Wabbit. "I have played a few," said the Cardinal, "mostly at doctrinal committees." "And they all work?" said the Wabbit. "No-one suspects Cardinal Lapin," smiled the Cardinal and he paused for a moment. "Do you prefer sprays, explosions or electric shocks?" he asked. "All three," said the Wabbit without hesitation. "Then we shall need some canisters, elastic bands, hinges, hooks, screws, batteries and patience," said the Cardinal. "I'll put my team on it immediately," said the Wabbit. "What is Rabit's weak point?" said the Cardinal. "They're smug," said the Wabbit. "Then they think they're wonderful," said the Cardinal, "so our task will be easier. We'll persuade them they are oh so clever." "But how?" asked the Wabbit. "We will make a secret plan for them to steal," said the Cardinal. "Then what?" asked the Wabbit. "Kaboom!" said the Cardinal.

6. The Wabbit poses for a Photograph

The Wabbit hopped quickly around Rome on Christmas Day and he took a circuitous route to see if he could find the Agents of Rabit. But he saw no-one and speculated that even his enemies might have a day off sometimes. So he crossed the River Tiber and was taking a short cut through St Peter's Square when he heard a friendly voice. "Commander, Sir. Do come and have your photograph taken," said a Swiss Guard dressed in a most colourful uniform. "I don't mind if I do," said the Wabbit and he hopped between two soldiers and posed. "Have you seen any Agents of Rabit?" he asked. "What do they look like?" asked a Guard. "Oh you'd know them if you saw them," replied the Wabbit, "they're very dark and have long pointy ears and horrible gnashing teeth." "We do see some funny things," said a Guard. "We'll keep a look out," said the other. "And if we see them what shall we do?" asked the first Guard. "On no account approach them," said the Wabbit, "they are armed and dangerous." "So are we," said the second Guard and they all laughed heartily. "Well, have a good Christmas," said the Wabbit. "You too!" said the Guards in unison, "but where shall we send your pictures?" "Don't worry, I'll be back," said the Wabbit. "Can we be of any further assistance, Commander?" asked a Guard. "Do you still use Heckler and Koch MP5s?" asked the Wabbit. "Hardly ever at Christmas." said the Guard. "My I order one of your coats of many colours?" said the Wabbit. "You need to speak to the boss," said the Guard firmly.

5. The Wabbit and the Agents of Rabit

The Wabbit had hopped into a corner of the Pantheon just to see what was going on and after investigation had decided that that nothing much was happening. But as he turned to leave, his ears pricked to a crumbling sound and he jumped as small stones scattered on the ground around him. As he turned to look up he could hear the sinister cackle of a sinister rabbit peering over a wall. As larger rocks rained around him, the Wabbit took off with a turn of speed that would have surprised his friends and he loped around the circular building. He was too late. He could only catch sight of the pointed tail of a dark rabbit disappearing into a maze of small streets and he cursed several times under his breath. "That was close," thought the Wabbit as he hopped rapidly in the general direction of the Piazza Navona, But he could find nothing more dangerous than a smattering of tourists buying souvenirs and multi coloured balloons. "He had to go somewhere," thought the Wabbit and he stayed in the shadows and glanced back to the Pantheon. The light had begun to fade a little but he could just see the pointed ears and rancid teeth of an Agent of Rabit who had expertly regained his original position. The Agent waved but before the Wabbit could reach him, he somehow vanished, leaving only a cackling sound of derision. "He who laughs last, has the laughiest laugh, or something like that," muttered the Wabbit and he took a small piece of Pantheon brickwork, placed it carefully in a plastic bag which he kept in his fur and called out loud, "There are no hoppy endings for the "Agents of Rabit!"

4. The Wabbit directs the Traffic

The Wabbit waited patiently at a junction on the Via Gregorio VII until Franco and Snail hove into sight. Then, taking over the intersection as if he was a policeman, he waved them all through. “Look the other way, you’re not in Cornwall now!” he yelled to Snail’s driver and his mate, the two Cornish pilgrims. “Thanks Luvver, are we here?” said the driver as the truck lurched to a stop. “Yes, you can park in the Big Coach Park,” said the Wabbit and turned to Franco. “But what happened, Franco?  What held you up?” “I had to replace the spark plugs and set the points,” said Franco. “Yes,” said Snail, “and we had time for a lovely snack at a roadside cafe.” “On a cardboard tray?” asked the Wabbit. “I had two!” said Snail and he wiggled his antennae. “Anywhere to get fags around here?” asked the driver’s mate. “At the tobacconist across the road,” said the Wabbit, “and you can also get a lottery ticket and scale models of planes and helicopters, which are better for your health.” “l’ll bear it in mind my lovely," said the driver’s mate and he jumped out. The Wabbit watched him leap around, dodging the traffic, and he flinched as a bus narrowly missed him. “Buses have right of way in the middle lane,” he shouted and covered his eyes.  “Where’s our camp?” asked Franco. “Over there by the ecological car wash,” said the Wabbit. “How can it be ecological?” said Franco. “No water,” said the Wabbit. “I can’t believe that, Sir,” said Franco, forgetting to address the Wabbit informally. “Neither does anyone else, I’ve never seen a soul use it,” said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit meets his friends in a Jiffy

The friends gathered at San Pietro Railway Station to meet Puma, as Thunder the Steam Train arrived. Lapinette was so excited she hopped quickly across the rails to greet everyone. “Welcome to Rome,” she cried, and stretched out her paws. “Somehow, Robot and I managed to arrive at the same time,” said Skratch the Cat Burglar with glee. “My train journey was most entertaining,” said Puma, “We raised several hundred euro for children with special needs.” Lapinette clapped her paws in delight and noticed that Robot was also eager to recount their adventures. “Skratch drove me past the Roma FC football stadium,” said Robot to Lapinette with enthusiasm. “I saw the most famous Francesco Totti arriving and he waved to me!” By this time the Wabbit was beginning to feel quite left out. “Hello,” he shouted from across the track. “Are you all feeling hungry?” “Quite peckish,” said Skratch. “Now that reminds me,” said the Wabbit, “where’s Snail and Franco?” “Snail’s  hitch hiking lift broke down and Franco stopped to help them make running repairs,” said Skratch, “they’ll be along in a jiffy.” “What is a jiffy?” asked the Wabbit, “I thought it was some kind of mail bag." “These days it means ‘in a very short time’ and is a unit of measurement in quantum physics,” pronounced Skratch, “but it used to be the word for lightning in the ancient language of thieves.”  Skratch grinned and loped up the platform to hug the Wabbit, who then looked rather embarrassed. “But what of our enemies, the hated Agents of Rabit?” asked Puma. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll be here in a jiffy,” said the Wabbit.

Jiffy: A jiffy is, is defined by Edward R. Harrison, as the time it takes for light to travel one Fermi, which is the size of a nucleon. One Fermi is 10−15 m, so a jiffy is about 3 × 10−24 seconds.

2. The Wabbit arrives in Style

Ghost Bunny made sure that the dreaded Agents of Rabit were long lost in the clouds above Turin and quickly guided Turbina the Jet Car into Rome. “I’m looking forward to being undercover,” said the Wabbit. “I got you a series of posts at various stalls in the City,” replied Lapinette. “But I wanted to be a news vendor,” said the Wabbit. “And so you shall,” said Lapinette, “but through my various contacts, I have arranged a short period where you will sell good luck charms.” “Oh lovely,” said the Wabbit, “and what shall I wear?” “Just your normal coat,” said Lapinette. “Then what am I taking for luck?” said the Wabbit. “Me,” said Lapinette. Turbina the Jet Car hooted his horn and his after burn left a long vapour trail in the cold air. The Wabbit smiled and nodded his head. “I am still uncertain what the mission exactly entails,” he said. “The less you know the better,” said Lapinette, “so keep your ears keen,  your eyes open and get ready to hop when the time is right. “Is it about organised crime?” said the Wabbit. “All crime is organised,” said Lapinette. “Is it about injustice and exclusion then?” asked the Wabbit.” “Everything is,” said Lapinette. “Recovering a lost object?” asked the Wabbit. “We are all lost and found,” said Lapinette. “Uncovering a dastardly plot against us wabbits,” said the Wabbit. “I’m not saying,” said Lapinette. “Then that’s it,” said the Wabbit and he thought for a while. “So what are you taking for luck?” he asked. “A Beretta 93R machine pistol,” said Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit and the Forgotten List

Lovely Lapinette looked at the Wabbit across Turbina the Jet Car and the Wabbit looked back at Lapinette. "Are you ready?" asked Lapinette. "I am," said the Wabbit. "Have you got everything?" said Lapinette. "I have," said the Wabbit. "Are you sure?" asked Lapinette. "Not any more," said the Wabbit. "Where's your list?" asked Lapinette. "In my other coat," moaned the Wabbit, looking sheepish. "Well, I do have a copy," said Lapinette. The Wabbit grinned. "You always have a copy!" he cheered. "Don't rely on it," said Lapinette. "Anyway, where's your salad sandwich in case you get hungry?" "In the salad crisper," said the Wabbit. "Turbina doesn't have salad crisper," said Lapinette. "I do now," said Turbina in a complaining voice. "I've never known anything get crisp in a salad crisper," said Lapinette. "It's an experiment," said the Wabbit. Lapinette covered her eyes with her paws and groaned. "I'm more worried about these helichoppers," said the Wabbit, "so I asked Ghost Bunny to torment them. The both looked up and caught sight of Ghost Bunny chasing a sinister black helichopper into a cloud. "The Agents of Rabit?" asked Lapinette." They're getting in my hair," said the Wabbit. "Think we can shake them off?" said Lapinette. "At least we know where they are," said the Wabbit. "Behind the clouds?" said Lapinette. "I'll get Ghost Bunny to keep track of them and when we get to Rome, we'll lure them into a trap." said the Wabbit. "I'll have had a word with Cardinal Lapin," said Lapinette, "he's good at traps." "How good?" asked the Wabbit. "Firecrackers, duct tape and a toilet seat," said Lapinette. "I’ll put him on my list" said the Wabbit. "You forgot your list," said Lapinette. 

The Wabbit sends an Alert!

"The Wabbit calling Franco, do you copy?" said the Wabbit. "There's no need for that, Wabbit, it’s a telephone," replied Franco as he swerved around a barrier. "Oh really, how disappointing," said the Wabbit. "What can I do for you Wabbit?" said Franco, ducking under another barrier. "Be on the lookout for a strange helichopper," said the Wabbit. "I clocked him, he’s at three o’clock," said Franco. "Did he spot you?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes, but I lost him," said Franco, "I swerved into an underground car park the wrong way." "Where are you now?" asked the Wabbit. "Coming out of the underground car park," said Franco. "The wrong way?" said the Wabbit. "It's possible," said Franco. "Do you think it's the Agents of Rabit helichopper?" said the Wabbit. "It hovers like a ghetto bird," said Franco. "That's their style," said the Wabbit. For a while, there was silence from Franco and the Wabbit heard a series of swerving noises. "Sorry Sir, I hit some cardboard boxes," said Franco. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit and flinched at a loud bang. "What was that Franco?" asked the Wabbit. "A news vendor stand," shouted Franco and he whooped. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit. Suddenly, there was a piercing scream of sirens and the Wabbit asked again what was happening. "I'm in the slipstream of a fire engine," said Franco. "Excellent!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and SPQR

"I'm so pleased to be coming with you to Rome," said Robot as the Wabbit hopped round Skratch’s van. "You're one of us now," said the Wabbit, "of course you come with us!" "I'm going to see my favourite football team," said Robot. Everyone stared in amazement. "What team?" enquired the Wabbit with interest. "SPQR," said Robot. There was a surprised tittering but the Wabbit didn't turn a single hair. "Soccer Playing Quadruped Robots?" he asked. Now it was everyone else's turn to stare at the Wabbit, who merely grinned. "We're expecting Heart of Midlothian Football Club for a friendly match," said Robot. The Wabbit's fur stood on end. "No such thing," he stated categorically. "Will they give us a kicking?" asked Robot. "Not if you deliver to them a kicking first," said the Wabbit. "Mo' te gonfio!" shouted Robot, who then swayed from side to side, making klaxon sounds. "Wabbit, have you been tuning Robot's circuitry again?" said Lapinette sternly. The Wabbit shrugged. "Not guilty," he said and kicked the ground playfully. Everyone flinched as a stone ricocheted around the building site in a trajectory that narrowly avoided the Wabbit himself. "We're being watched," said Skratch abruptly. The Wabbit flicked his eyes to the sky. "Normal paranoia," he muttered and he had a think. "Is Franco taking the jeep?" he said to Lapinette. ""He's on his way," she said. "Can you get him on the blower?" asked the Wabbit.

Mo' te gonfio : "I'll beat you until you're swollen." A slogan of Roma FC.

The Wabbit and the Big Steam Train

The Wabbit spotted Puma getting down from a Big Steam Train and he hopped up very quickly to find out what was happening. "Hello Wabbit," said Puma, "I have arranged my lift to Rome." "This train doesn't go anywhere," said the Wabbit. "You're quite mistaken," said the train. "The train is taking 500 children with special needs on a surprise trip to Rome," said Puma. "What's your name?" said the Wabbit to the train. "I am Gr 940-330," the train replied. "I'll never remember that," said the Wabbit, "do you have a nickname?" "I call her Thunder," said Puma. The Wabbit thought that was a much better name than a row of numbers and he nodded his head in agreement. "Puma, please stay in the cabin. Don't prowl the train, frightening the children," he said. "I am detailed to provide entertainment," said Puma. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "Together with the children I will look out the window and count things," said Puma. "Like telegraph poles?" asked the Wabbit. "Especially the ones with numbers, and then we will all calculate our average speed and there will be a prize," said Puma gravely. "A prize?" said the Wabbit. "A signed copy of our book on release," said Puma. "What a good idea," said the Wabbit, "and educational too." He deftly signed several imaginary copies of their book and grinned. "Thunder, will you set Puma down at the Stazione di Roma San Pietro?" he asked. "Now, that's what I call a railway station!" said Thunder.

7. The Wabbit and the Tourists

The Wabbit looked up to see Big Blue Snail arrive in the back of a truck. "I have hitched a lift with these kind strangers, who are taking me to Rome," said Snail. "Pleased to meet you," said the Wabbit, "where did you all get together?" "The Big Blue Bullhorn was blocking the road. It was easier to put him in the back," said the driver's mate. The Wabbit knew that snails were called bullhorns in Cornwall and realising that the strangers were a long way from home, he asked them if they needed any assistance. "Thank you! That would be nice, Luvver," said the driver's mate, "it's backsyfore round here. I'm boggled." "That's because in these parts, you're emmets," said the Wabbit with a grin. The driver and his mate chortled mightily." I suppose we are at that," they laughed. "We're heading to the Vatican for the Big Christmas Blessing," said the driver. "Then you are pilgrims," smiled the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur and gave him several business cards from the Pontiff's Restaurant. "They may even serve you Cornish Pasta," he said with a wicked grin. The drivers' mouths dropped open in astonishment." "Snail gets off at Via San Silverio Market," advised the Wabbit. "Can you point us in the right direction?" said the driver. "What don't you ask the Big Football Boy?" said the Wabbit. "He's always right," said Snail. The driver looked out of the window. "Which way to Rome?" he shouted to the Big Football Boy on the wall. "It's over there!" yelled the boy. "Exactly," said the Wabbit.

[emmets: tourists (derogatory). backsyfore: wrong way round. Cornwall dialect.]

6. The Wabbit and the Name

Under the watchful eyes of Franco, the Wabbit was manoeuvring the camp jeep. "Am I going to be in the book, Sir?" Franco asked with a worried face. The Wabbit pulled on the brake with a screech. "Franco of course! It's your book too." "I wasn't in so many adventures Sir," said Franco. "You are the beating heart of the Free Wabbits of Turin," said the Wabbit firmly. "And you're at the heart of our book. " Franco looked both embarrassed and pleased at the same time. "What's in the crate?" asked the Wabbit. "Some of Ghost Bunny's equipment Sir," said Franco. "She's always building something," muttered the Wabbit with a little grin. "She's very diligent Sir," said Franco. "Call me Wabbit," said the Wabbit. "I can't call you Wabbit, Sir," said Franco. "Why not?" asked the Wabbit. "Protocol Sir," said Franco. "Wabbit, Wabbit, Wabbit!" shouted the Wabbit suddenly. "Sir, Sir, Sir," replied Franco. "Wabbit," yelled the Wabbit. "Sir!" said Franco. "Silence!" shouted Ghost Bunny from behind her crate and she flew up to look at the Wabbit. "Wabbit, Franco is more comfortable with Sir," she glared. Then suddenly she swooped at Franco with a stern voice. "Franco, the Wabbit would be happier with a more informal appellation!" Ghost Bunny paused and hovered and everything became quiet. "But you could always compromise," she said finally. "What do you suggest?" said the Wabbit, smiling. "Franco, why don't you try saying Sir Wabbit?" said Ghost Bunny. Franco looked absolutely appalled. "OK, Wabbit it is," he sighed.

5, The Wabbit and the Radio Promotion

The Wabbit was inspecting a serviceable vehicle when he noticed it was a mobile radio station. "Never miss a chance for promotion," he thought and he hopped up and called to the Disc Jockey inside. "Will you help promote our book?" he shouted. A window opened and the DJ looked out at the Wabbit. "What's the book about Wabbit?" "It features our amazing adventures!" said the Wabbit. "Is it funny?" said the DJ, who was already chuckling at the thought. "It's more than amusing." said the Wabbit. "But does it have jokes?" asked the DJ. "We are always joking and joshing," said the Wabbit, "but in an ironic way that suits our devil-may-care characters." "Sounds perfect!" smiled the DJ. He leaned towards the microphone and chortling the while, urged his listeners to watch out for the release of the book. "Can I play you a request?" tittered the DJ. The Wabbit suggested the DJ choose a song by Frank Zappa. "I don't think we have many," laughed the DJ. "Oh wait, here's one from his Sheik Yerbouti album." "No, no." said the Wabbit as his fur stood on end. "Perhaps something else," he said and, in a firm voice, he twice insisted that he had changed his mind. "Never a bother, I'll just play it," said the DJ. The Wabbit knew what the DJ was going to play and he knew it was a very, very rude song. So he gritted his teeth and hopped away as fast as he could. But he couldn't resist looking over his shoulder and he saw the DJ nodding his head and singing along. "Lapinette must never hear of this," murmured the Wabbit.
[Bobby Brown Goes Down, Sheik Yerbouti. Frank Zappa. 1979]

4. The Wabbit and Market Research

On the advice of Puma, Lapinette was conducting market research for their book. She had just spotted the two respondents that might complete her quota, when she noticed they had noticed her too. "Who is that divine creature?" asked one lady. "I saw her on the front cover of Vogue last year," said the other. The first lady looked intently. "Oh yes, I remember she was raising funds for World Health," she said, and looked some more. "Shhh. She's coming this way," they agreed and they nodded a greeting. Lapinette gave an enormous smile. "May I ask you some questions about our book?" she said. "We'd be delighted," said the first lady. "Do you like adventures?" asked Lapinette. "As long as they're not too frightening," said the second. "Mild peril only," said Lapinette. The two ladies conferred. "What about conversations?" said the first. “There is talk throughout," said Lapinette."What about pictures?" said the second. "Both vivid and haunting," said Lapinette. By now her professional smile was wearing thin but she saw the Wabbit approaching and waved. "Oh look," she said. "Here's the author now. Let me introduce you to Commander Wabbit." "A Commander and so young!" said the first lady. The Wabbit positively beamed. "What is your posting?" said the second. "Cultural Attaché to the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said the Wabbit, coyly. "You're diplomatic!" said the ladies together. "I try so hard to be," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit goes to the Publisher

The Wabbit was just emerging from the Publishing House, when he heard a yowl and turned around. "I've heard all about the book," said Skratch. "Isn't it exciting! Is that our book there?" "It's a first draft." said the Wabbit, "and I dropped off a copy with the publishers." "When will we know?" asked Skratch. "Oh I think it takes a long time. They get a lot of submissions," said the Wabbit with a frown. "Perhaps I can help," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked dubious. "I'll just sneak in and put our book at the front of the submissions queue," said Skratch. "That's not very fair," worried the Wabbit, "because others have worked hard on theirs." Skratch looked at the Wabbit as if he was a hopeless case. "Then let me suggest something else," he said. "OK. Go ahead," said the Wabbit. Skratch mimed a cat's walk in a most amusing manner. "I'll just prowl in," he laughed. "Won't they see you?" interrupted the Wabbit. "Yes, but no one minds a cat prowling around," said Skratch. "Pray continue," said the Wabbit. "I'll find the correct desk and accidentally knock down the pile of submissions with my tail," smiled Skratch. "How does that help?" asked the Wabbit. "When I am carefully replacing them, I will place our book on the top!" said Skratch with triumph. "Let me get this right," said the Wabbit. "You knock over the books and helpfully put them back." Skratch waved a paw. "And our book is at the front of the queue," he purred. "That sounds more ethical." said the Wabbit.