The Wabbit sends an Alert!

"The Wabbit calling Franco, do you copy?" said the Wabbit. "There's no need for that, Wabbit, it’s a telephone," replied Franco as he swerved around a barrier. "Oh really, how disappointing," said the Wabbit. "What can I do for you Wabbit?" said Franco, ducking under another barrier. "Be on the lookout for a strange helichopper," said the Wabbit. "I clocked him, he’s at three o’clock," said Franco. "Did he spot you?" asked the Wabbit. "Yes, but I lost him," said Franco, "I swerved into an underground car park the wrong way." "Where are you now?" asked the Wabbit. "Coming out of the underground car park," said Franco. "The wrong way?" said the Wabbit. "It's possible," said Franco. "Do you think it's the Agents of Rabit helichopper?" said the Wabbit. "It hovers like a ghetto bird," said Franco. "That's their style," said the Wabbit. For a while, there was silence from Franco and the Wabbit heard a series of swerving noises. "Sorry Sir, I hit some cardboard boxes," said Franco. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit and flinched at a loud bang. "What was that Franco?" asked the Wabbit. "A news vendor stand," shouted Franco and he whooped. "Pay no attention," said the Wabbit. Suddenly, there was a piercing scream of sirens and the Wabbit asked again what was happening. "I'm in the slipstream of a fire engine," said Franco. "Excellent!" said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and SPQR

"I'm so pleased to be coming with you to Rome," said Robot as the Wabbit hopped round Skratch’s van. "You're one of us now," said the Wabbit, "of course you come with us!" "I'm going to see my favourite football team," said Robot. Everyone stared in amazement. "What team?" enquired the Wabbit with interest. "SPQR," said Robot. There was a surprised tittering but the Wabbit didn't turn a single hair. "Soccer Playing Quadruped Robots?" he asked. Now it was everyone else's turn to stare at the Wabbit, who merely grinned. "We're expecting Heart of Midlothian Football Club for a friendly match," said Robot. The Wabbit's fur stood on end. "No such thing," he stated categorically. "Will they give us a kicking?" asked Robot. "Not if you deliver to them a kicking first," said the Wabbit. "Mo' te gonfio!" shouted Robot, who then swayed from side to side, making klaxon sounds. "Wabbit, have you been tuning Robot's circuitry again?" said Lapinette sternly. The Wabbit shrugged. "Not guilty," he said and kicked the ground playfully. Everyone flinched as a stone ricocheted around the building site in a trajectory that narrowly avoided the Wabbit himself. "We're being watched," said Skratch abruptly. The Wabbit flicked his eyes to the sky. "Normal paranoia," he muttered and he had a think. "Is Franco taking the jeep?" he said to Lapinette. ""He's on his way," she said. "Can you get him on the blower?" asked the Wabbit.

Mo' te gonfio : "I'll beat you until you're swollen." A slogan of Roma FC.

The Wabbit and the Big Steam Train

The Wabbit spotted Puma getting down from a Big Steam Train and he hopped up very quickly to find out what was happening. "Hello Wabbit," said Puma, "I have arranged my lift to Rome." "This train doesn't go anywhere," said the Wabbit. "You're quite mistaken," said the train. "The train is taking 500 children with special needs on a surprise trip to Rome," said Puma. "What's your name?" said the Wabbit to the train. "I am Gr 940-330," the train replied. "I'll never remember that," said the Wabbit, "do you have a nickname?" "I call her Thunder," said Puma. The Wabbit thought that was a much better name than a row of numbers and he nodded his head in agreement. "Puma, please stay in the cabin. Don't prowl the train, frightening the children," he said. "I am detailed to provide entertainment," said Puma. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "Together with the children I will look out the window and count things," said Puma. "Like telegraph poles?" asked the Wabbit. "Especially the ones with numbers, and then we will all calculate our average speed and there will be a prize," said Puma gravely. "A prize?" said the Wabbit. "A signed copy of our book on release," said Puma. "What a good idea," said the Wabbit, "and educational too." He deftly signed several imaginary copies of their book and grinned. "Thunder, will you set Puma down at the Stazione di Roma San Pietro?" he asked. "Now, that's what I call a railway station!" said Thunder.

7. The Wabbit and the Tourists

The Wabbit looked up to see Big Blue Snail arrive in the back of a truck. "I have hitched a lift with these kind strangers, who are taking me to Rome," said Snail. "Pleased to meet you," said the Wabbit, "where did you all get together?" "The Big Blue Bullhorn was blocking the road. It was easier to put him in the back," said the driver's mate. The Wabbit knew that snails were called bullhorns in Cornwall and realising that the strangers were a long way from home, he asked them if they needed any assistance. "Thank you! That would be nice, Luvver," said the driver's mate, "it's backsyfore round here. I'm boggled." "That's because in these parts, you're emmets," said the Wabbit with a grin. The driver and his mate chortled mightily." I suppose we are at that," they laughed. "We're heading to the Vatican for the Big Christmas Blessing," said the driver. "Then you are pilgrims," smiled the Wabbit and he rummaged in his fur and gave him several business cards from the Pontiff's Restaurant. "They may even serve you Cornish Pasta," he said with a wicked grin. The drivers' mouths dropped open in astonishment." "Snail gets off at Via San Silverio Market," advised the Wabbit. "Can you point us in the right direction?" said the driver. "What don't you ask the Big Football Boy?" said the Wabbit. "He's always right," said Snail. The driver looked out of the window. "Which way to Rome?" he shouted to the Big Football Boy on the wall. "It's over there!" yelled the boy. "Exactly," said the Wabbit.

[emmets: tourists (derogatory). backsyfore: wrong way round. Cornwall dialect.]

6. The Wabbit and the Name

Under the watchful eyes of Franco, the Wabbit was manoeuvring the camp jeep. "Am I going to be in the book, Sir?" Franco asked with a worried face. The Wabbit pulled on the brake with a screech. "Franco of course! It's your book too." "I wasn't in so many adventures Sir," said Franco. "You are the beating heart of the Free Wabbits of Turin," said the Wabbit firmly. "And you're at the heart of our book. " Franco looked both embarrassed and pleased at the same time. "What's in the crate?" asked the Wabbit. "Some of Ghost Bunny's equipment Sir," said Franco. "She's always building something," muttered the Wabbit with a little grin. "She's very diligent Sir," said Franco. "Call me Wabbit," said the Wabbit. "I can't call you Wabbit, Sir," said Franco. "Why not?" asked the Wabbit. "Protocol Sir," said Franco. "Wabbit, Wabbit, Wabbit!" shouted the Wabbit suddenly. "Sir, Sir, Sir," replied Franco. "Wabbit," yelled the Wabbit. "Sir!" said Franco. "Silence!" shouted Ghost Bunny from behind her crate and she flew up to look at the Wabbit. "Wabbit, Franco is more comfortable with Sir," she glared. Then suddenly she swooped at Franco with a stern voice. "Franco, the Wabbit would be happier with a more informal appellation!" Ghost Bunny paused and hovered and everything became quiet. "But you could always compromise," she said finally. "What do you suggest?" said the Wabbit, smiling. "Franco, why don't you try saying Sir Wabbit?" said Ghost Bunny. Franco looked absolutely appalled. "OK, Wabbit it is," he sighed.

5, The Wabbit and the Radio Promotion

The Wabbit was inspecting a serviceable vehicle when he noticed it was a mobile radio station. "Never miss a chance for promotion," he thought and he hopped up and called to the Disc Jockey inside. "Will you help promote our book?" he shouted. A window opened and the DJ looked out at the Wabbit. "What's the book about Wabbit?" "It features our amazing adventures!" said the Wabbit. "Is it funny?" said the DJ, who was already chuckling at the thought. "It's more than amusing." said the Wabbit. "But does it have jokes?" asked the DJ. "We are always joking and joshing," said the Wabbit, "but in an ironic way that suits our devil-may-care characters." "Sounds perfect!" smiled the DJ. He leaned towards the microphone and chortling the while, urged his listeners to watch out for the release of the book. "Can I play you a request?" tittered the DJ. The Wabbit suggested the DJ choose a song by Frank Zappa. "I don't think we have many," laughed the DJ. "Oh wait, here's one from his Sheik Yerbouti album." "No, no." said the Wabbit as his fur stood on end. "Perhaps something else," he said and, in a firm voice, he twice insisted that he had changed his mind. "Never a bother, I'll just play it," said the DJ. The Wabbit knew what the DJ was going to play and he knew it was a very, very rude song. So he gritted his teeth and hopped away as fast as he could. But he couldn't resist looking over his shoulder and he saw the DJ nodding his head and singing along. "Lapinette must never hear of this," murmured the Wabbit.
[Bobby Brown Goes Down, Sheik Yerbouti. Frank Zappa. 1979]

4. The Wabbit and Market Research

On the advice of Puma, Lapinette was conducting market research for their book. She had just spotted the two respondents that might complete her quota, when she noticed they had noticed her too. "Who is that divine creature?" asked one lady. "I saw her on the front cover of Vogue last year," said the other. The first lady looked intently. "Oh yes, I remember she was raising funds for World Health," she said, and looked some more. "Shhh. She's coming this way," they agreed and they nodded a greeting. Lapinette gave an enormous smile. "May I ask you some questions about our book?" she said. "We'd be delighted," said the first lady. "Do you like adventures?" asked Lapinette. "As long as they're not too frightening," said the second. "Mild peril only," said Lapinette. The two ladies conferred. "What about conversations?" said the first. “There is talk throughout," said Lapinette."What about pictures?" said the second. "Both vivid and haunting," said Lapinette. By now her professional smile was wearing thin but she saw the Wabbit approaching and waved. "Oh look," she said. "Here's the author now. Let me introduce you to Commander Wabbit." "A Commander and so young!" said the first lady. The Wabbit positively beamed. "What is your posting?" said the second. "Cultural Attaché to the Department of Wabbit Affairs," said the Wabbit, coyly. "You're diplomatic!" said the ladies together. "I try so hard to be," said the Wabbit.

3. The Wabbit goes to the Publisher

The Wabbit was just emerging from the Publishing House, when he heard a yowl and turned around. "I've heard all about the book," said Skratch. "Isn't it exciting! Is that our book there?" "It's a first draft." said the Wabbit, "and I dropped off a copy with the publishers." "When will we know?" asked Skratch. "Oh I think it takes a long time. They get a lot of submissions," said the Wabbit with a frown. "Perhaps I can help," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked dubious. "I'll just sneak in and put our book at the front of the submissions queue," said Skratch. "That's not very fair," worried the Wabbit, "because others have worked hard on theirs." Skratch looked at the Wabbit as if he was a hopeless case. "Then let me suggest something else," he said. "OK. Go ahead," said the Wabbit. Skratch mimed a cat's walk in a most amusing manner. "I'll just prowl in," he laughed. "Won't they see you?" interrupted the Wabbit. "Yes, but no one minds a cat prowling around," said Skratch. "Pray continue," said the Wabbit. "I'll find the correct desk and accidentally knock down the pile of submissions with my tail," smiled Skratch. "How does that help?" asked the Wabbit. "When I am carefully replacing them, I will place our book on the top!" said Skratch with triumph. "Let me get this right," said the Wabbit. "You knock over the books and helpfully put them back." Skratch waved a paw. "And our book is at the front of the queue," he purred. "That sounds more ethical." said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Book Proposal

The Wabbit saw Snail approaching and he thought that perhaps his Secret Garden wasn't so secret after all. "We’re writing a book about all of us," said the Wabbit. "Lovely," said Snail and waved his antennae. "Will it have pictures of us and our conversations?" he asked gleefully. "Of course," said the Wabbit. "It wouldn’t be much of a book without pictures and conversations." " What publisher will we approach?" said Snail. "Lawrence and Wishart," said Puma immediately, as if none other would do. "First things first," said the Wabbit. "We've only just started." The Wabbit hopped up and down for quite a while and thought. "We’ll put all our adventures in and every so often, we’ll stop for dinner and make jokes," he announced. "Food, right now?" asked Snail with enthusiasm. "No, in the book, we finish an adventure and then stop and eat - in the book," said the Wabbit. "So that readers will also stop and be critical," said Puma. "What about the readers, who will they be?" asked Snail. "All sorts," said the Wabbit. "We should aim for popular appeal." Puma growled for some time and paced around a tree. "We must be more targeted and advertise in underground stations," he said. Both Snail and the Wabbit turned and looked at Puma with astonishment. "Why the Metro?" asked the Wabbit. "There's nothing to do and travellers read anything while they're waiting," said Puma. "You're in charge of marketing," said the Wabbit.

1. The Wabbit in the Secret Garden

Puma fell into step with the Wabbit's hop and purred, "Hello Wabbit!" "I didn't know anyone else knew this place," said the Wabbit. "I often prowl these parts," said Puma and he stretched a bit. "I call this the Secret Garden and I come here to read," said the Wabbit.”I found this book in a small shop near the Corso Spezia market." Puma scrutinised the Wabbit's book. "That looks like a children's book," he exclaimed. "There's lots of information in children's books," said the Wabbit. "What information?" asked Puma. "Things they don't tell you anywhere else," said the Wabbit. The Puma thought that was very amusing and he gave a low growl of delight. "Really Puma, this is a lovely tale of an excluded robot who is befriended by a small boy," said the Wabbit seriously. "Ha! It's about relationships," said Puma. The Wabbit struck his book with a paw. "We remain largely uninformed about good relationships," he said. "Because we only talk about bad ones," replied Puma. "That's a gloomy thought," said the Wabbit. "I don't know," said Puma. "Perhaps someone will someday write a book about our relationships." He rested two paws on the steps and came close to smiling. "Oh, who could be bothered to write about us?" said the Wabbit. "We could be bothered," said Puma. "So let’s go over by the trees and write our own book." "But how shall we start?" asked the Wabbit. "Once upon a time," said Puma.

Lovely Lapinette goes to the Market

Lapinette was hopping through a market in the Corso Spezia when Ghost Bunny swooped between the stalls. "Have you seen the Wabbit?" she said breathlessly. "He's nearby. He's looking for an out of print book on Robots," said Lapinette. "I could have found it for him," said Ghost Bunny. "You know he thinks that’s no fun," said Lapinette, "and so I have to hop endlessly through markets while he rummages." "He does find things," said Ghost Bunny, who loved the Wabbit. "Yes, and he keeps them all in his fur. Never go through airport security with the Wabbit," sighed Lapinette. "We'll be travelling soon ourselves," said Ghost Bunny with glee. "Yes, I wanted to talk with you about our Rome trip," said Lapinette. "Special duties?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Yes," said Lapinette. "Just between us?" said Ghost Bunny. "Only between us," said Lapinette. "Oooooh," moaned Ghost Bunny and she hovered. "What, where, who?" she shrieked. "I want you to keep a special watch on the gang and periodically report to me," smiled Lapinette. "To keep them out of trouble?" asked Ghost Bunny in a ghostly wavering voice. "Exactly," said Lapinette. "Are you expecting any particular trouble?" said Ghost Bunny. "No, just general trouble," grinned Lapinette. "The worst kind," said Ghost Bunny. "But the most fun," laughed Lapinette.

The Wabbit and the Chummery

The Wabbit took Robot to the place he now called Pluto Park. It was Ghost Bunny's favourite place to haunt and the Wabbit knew he would always find Ghost Bunny in that vicinity. "Who's your friend?" fluttered Ghost Bunny as she swooped very close to Robot. "Frighteningly yours," she moaned and came to a sudden halt. "You'll be looking after Robot for a while," said the Wabbit. "A delight to meet you Miss Phantasm," said Robot. "Ms" said Ghost Bunny. "Pardon me," said Robot. "Forgiven," said Ghost Bunny and then she spoke enquiringly. "I do like you, Robot. What is your general framework?" "Neural," said Robot. "And your memory?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Positronic," said Robot. "Ooooooh," sighed Ghost Bunny and she drew closer. "Do you by any chance have buttons?" she asked in a low voice. "Plenty, said Robot, "but they're hidden." "Don't let the Wabbit touch your buttons," whispered Ghost Bunny. "Why not?" said Robot in a hushed tone. "He does seem quite the Wabbit with circuitry." "Ah!" said Ghost Bunny. "Where the Wabbit and buttons are together, drama always ensues." "I can't hear you. What are you talking about?" asked the Wabbit. "I was just saying that Robot should come to our chummery," said Ghost Bunny. "What on earth is a chummery?" said the Wabbit. "It's a place where chums are billeted together," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit shook his head for a while. "And you may not push my buttons," said Robot suddenly. Ghost Bunny flinched and cowled her eyes. "You have buttons!" exclaimed the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Two Baby Question

The Wabbit decided to take Robot for a refreshment. "What would you like?" asked the Wabbit. "A small bottle of contact lubricant," said Robot. The Wabbit was about to place an order when he heard a voice. "Hello my Wabbit!" said Lapinette. "Hello Lapinette, I thought you were having your fur done." said the Wabbit carefully. "That was yesterday," sighed Lapinette and she studied Robot closely. "Who is this, Wabbit?" she asked with interest. "It's Robot," said the Wabbit. Lapinette paused. "Wabbit, have you been taking things from museums again?" she said suspiciously. "Not at all," said the Wabbit. "Technically speaking, Robot has been liberated." "Liberated!" said Lapinette and she turned to Robot. "Piacere, bella coniglia, sono a tua disposizione," said Robot. "Were you oppressed, courteous Robot?" asked Lapinette directly. "Definitely," said Robot. "What was the nature of your oppression?" asked Lapinette. "I have a brain the size of a city yet every day I had to meet and greet and iron and clean and use a vacuum cleaner," said Robot, exhaustively. "Oh yes, I quite understand," said Lapinette quickly. "I told you," said the Wabbit. "Did you tinker with Robot's circuitry," said Lapinette firmly. "Only in the interests of freedom and justice," said the Wabbit and clenched a paw. "Hmmm," said Lapinette. "Who are these two babies?" asked Robot. "I don't know. Perhaps they're baby Buddhas," said the Wabbit and he looked behind him. "Are you baby Buddhas?" he asked. "No," said one baby. "Yes," said the other.

[Piacere, bella coniglia, sono a tua disposizione: Enchanted, beautiful rabbit, I am at your disposal.]

The Wabbit and the Meet and Greet Robot

The Wabbit was taking a short cut through the Old Converted Train Factory when he heard an electronic voice. "Hello Wabbit, Hello Wabbit," said a Robot. The Wabbit looked up at a friendly robot face. "Meet and greet. Meet and greet," said the Robot. The Wabbit smiled. "You don't have to say everything twice." "I have to, I have to," said the Robot. The Wabbit thought for a minute and then he fished in his fur for an electronic meter that he'd bought in a market. He opened a hatch in the Robot's side and prodded with the electrodes. "Now say "Quando il coniglio, senza consiglio, con la coniglia, fece famiglia."" instructed the Wabbit. "Bel coniglio, Marcus Aurelius," said the Robot. The Wabbit snickered maliciously with all of his 28 teeth and made another adjustment. "Say, "I Robot."" said the Wabbit. "That's missing a verb," said the Robot. The Wabbit grinned, snapped shut the hatch and dusted his paws. "Would you care for some part time work?" asked the Wabbit. "I can't go out," said the Robot. The Wabbit reopened the Robot's hatch and made another adjustment. Then he stood high on his hind legs and looked all around. "We're just going for a little hop around!" shouted the Wabbit. "Any objections?" he bellowed. There was a long silence. "Did you hear an objection, Robot," asked the Wabbit.”I heard zilch, let's go," said the Robot.

The Wabbit and Lapinette remember Marina

"Hello you two," said Marina joyfully. "I've been keeping an eye on your adventures!" "How did you get here?" asked the Wabbit. "I've been waiting here to meet you," said Marina. "Marina, we miss you so," said Lapinette. Marina smiled at Lapinette. "I've missed you so much too," she said. "Are you staying in the Elysian Fields where only the brave and heroic rest?" asked the Wabbit, with moist eyes. "Yes. I've met all your friends," said Marina. Lapinette put out a paw and Marina took it tenderly. "Remember I'm keeping a special watch over you both," said Marina. "So don't be sad." The Wabbit and Lapinette thought that would be very hard. "Alla prossima, compagna," said the Wabbit with a tear. "Alla prossima, sorella," said Lapinette with a sob. "Alla prossima, conigli," smiled Marina, and with a shimmering of light she was suddenly gone.

[Marina passed away on this day two years ago and is greatly missed.]