5. The Wabbit and the Fate of the Comte

As the Wabbit faded from sight, Male de Merde felt the room grow icy until everything was frost and his very bones froze to the marrow. His limbs seized solid and in terror the Comte watched his life flash backwards before his eyes. And as he gazed raptly, images of his childhood loomed and he saw a toy wabbit that he had cherished. When one of his beloved toy's ears became detached he had beseeched his mother to sew it back. But neither of them could find the ear and Mal de Merde cast his toy aside. In the icy chill, Mal de Merde remembered how once he would go nowhere without it and and he began to weep uncontrollably. His tears streamed in continuous torrents and their warmth melted the icy grip on his hands. So with what strength he had left, he seized the Government medal awarded to him for ridding the country of so many wabbits. He took one last look at it because once he had been proud of his achievement. Then he smashed the medal against his desk with enormous force. He battered that medal time and time again until ice and wood splinters tore at his fingers. Suddenly, warmth returned to the room. Mal de Merde looked around and, listening carefully in the still, he thought he could just make out the sound of a train passing. He was nodding a grim farewell to the mysterious Wabbit, who had brought about these events, when he suddenly became aware of a throbbing in his hand. The Comte looked down. An image of a wabbit was indelibly etched on his palm.

4. The Wabbit and the Apology

Comte Mal de Merde was studying in his study when he glanced up to see the Wabbit pointing at him. "You!" said Mal de Merde and drew back against his cabinets. "No one expects the Wabbit," said the Wabbit, irritably. "I saw you in a dream," said Mal de Merde. The Wabbit bared his teeth. "I am beyond your nightmares," said the Wabbit in a matter of fact voice that chilled the Comte's soul. "How did you get here?" gasped Mal de Merde. "I came by train," said the Wabbit. A silence fell. "What do you want?" asked the shaking biologist. "An apology," said the Wabbit. "What for?" said Mal de Merde, although he already knew. "You unleashed a biological weapon of mass destruction upon my species!" said the Wabbit and he hopped forward. "You ate a lot," said Mal de Merde and he shrank back. "You ate us," shouted the Wabbit. "And you killed nine out of ten. It kills us still." The Comte shivered and his skin felt clammy. He began to wring his hands and bent his head. "I'm sorry,” he said. "Make it personal,” suggested the Wabbit. "I beg the forgiveness of all the wabbits" said the Comte and he looked hopefully at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit kept pointing. "What more do you ask of me?" said the Comte. "That you forgive yourself," said the Wabbit and he smiled and raised a paw in farewell as he began to disappear. Mal de Merde watched the image of the Wabbit grow dim and he felt the room grow icy cold ... [to be continued]

3. The Wabbit takes a Quantum Leap

The Wabbit pressed Quantum’s big red button and quietly said "Engage!" Quantum, the Time Travelling Train, started to vibrate, which chattered the Wabbit’s teeth wildly. "Let’s rrrroll roll out out, Quantumumum. Nice nand neasy," he stuttered. "Look out of the window, Commander," said Quantum. There was a sudden flash. Everything outside grew very small and vanished, only to be replaced by a canopy of stars. The Wabbit looked down in wonder at complicated strands that that wove a lattice under the planet. "France, 1956," stated the Wabbit. "I’m a train, Commander, not a taxi," said Quantum. “Sorry,” said the Wabbit, although his eyes were twinkling. "These were turbulent times for that little old France there," said Quantum, in the chatty manner of a taxi driver. "Good," said the Wabbit. "The unfortunate Comte Mal de Merde will be distracted." "Will you challenge his hegemony?" asked Quantum. The Wabbit saw Quantum’s control panel smile so he consulted a dictionary of political thought that he kept in his fur. "He will hold onto power no longer," said the Wabbit, sagely. "He won’t be expecting you," said Quantum. The Wabbit gazed at all the buttons on Quantum’s control panel and clapped his paws in delight. "No-one expects the Wabbit," he grinned.

2. The Wabbit and the Quantum Train

The Wabbit hopped up to the cabin of Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "Are you sure this works?" he asked Lapinette. Lapinette looked at Quantum and looked back to the Wabbit. "Quantum works precisely," she said gravely. "I don't want this mission," said the Wabbit and he stamped a foot. "You don't get to pick and choose," said Lapinette. "They should send someone else," said the Wabbit. "Why?" asked Lapinette. "I'll lose my temper," snapped the Wabbit. "And your ears will flail," said Lapinette, automatically. "And knock things over," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled. "What kind of things?" she asked. "Valuable ornaments," said the Wabbit, grumpily. "Is it productive to go back in time to demand an apology for something that happened in 1952?" he said lengthily, drumming his paws on the side of the train. "It's part of peace and reconciliation," said Lapinette. "I will never be reconciled to the man who unleashed the Great Plague on our species," said the Wabbit and he kicked the door. "Your ears are flailing," said Lapinette. "I told you they would," said the Wabbit, "and I'm not the Wabbit for the job." "Comte Mal de Merde's temporal co-ordinates have been precisely mapped by Quantum," said Lapinette, calmly. The Wabbit scowled. "You can push the big red button," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened immediately. "Maybe it won't be so bad," he said with a grin.

1. The Wabbit and the Reluctant Mission

The Wabbit was hopping on the roof of his favourite ruin, when he heard a piercing cry. "Oooooh, frighten, haunt!" wailed an apparition from the sky. The Wabbit was startled but rapidly recovered when he saw who it was. "Oh, hello Ghost Bunny, I'm terrified!" screamed the Wabbit. "I tried to haunt your 400 warriors and was met with jokes and ribaldry," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit scowled because he doted on Ghost Bunny. "They couldn't accept your haunting beauty," he murmured. ”Well I came up here to practice," said Ghost Bunny, firmly. "Excellent swoop!" said the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny span and turned into a pyramid and turned back. "Before Rome, you are to go on a hush-hush mission," she said. "How do you know?” asked the Wabbit. "I heard it on the astral plane," said Ghost Bunny. "The astral plane!" exclaimed the Wabbit. "Did you meet the controversial cosmologist Rupert Sheldrake?" "Yes," said Ghost Bunny. "He says he doesn’t mind his leg being pulled but he objects to it being stabbed." "Bad business," said the Wabbit and he shook his head at all the routine leg stabbing in the world. "I don't want this mission," he said in a low voice. "I'll lose my temper." "What’s that like for you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "I hop up and down and my ears flail and knock thing over," said the Wabbit. "What soothes you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Salad sandwiches" said the Wabbit,. "Then think of salad sandwiches," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit thought of salad sandwiches and he felt calm. "You're adorable, Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

The March of the 400 Wabbits

The massed wabbits hopped formally forward in a zig-zag movement, and each time they hopped they made a thunderous crash that shook the girders of the building. "Where did you find them?" whispered Lapinette. "My appointment comes with a small private guard," said the Wabbit. "Where does it say that?" asked Lapinette sceptically. "It's in the small print," said the Wabbit. "They're all dressed like you!" laughed Lapinette. "Isn't it embarrassing?" said the Wabbit, although he was secretly pleased. They both turned at a mighty cry from the wabbits as they smashed to a halt. Lapinette looked lovingly at the Wabbit. "Proceed," she smiled. The Wabbit turned to face the massed ranks of wabbits and raised a paw in salute. "How many are we?" he shouted. "We are four hundred!" came the reply. "And what are our just demands?" yelled the Wabbit. "Land, Peace, Hay!" cried the wabbits in unison. "And a few carrots," muttered the Wabbit under his breath. Lapinette dug the Wabbit sharply in the ribs. "Ouch," squealed the Wabbit. "Ouch!" cried all the wabbits. Lapinette hid her head behind her ears and giggled. "Where are they going?" she asked. "They're going to march to the Brek Restaurant, where they are obliged to drink copious quantities of carrot aperitivi," said the Wabbit with glee. "Won't they frighten people?" said Lapinette. "They certainly frighten me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Chain of Command

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite abandoned shed when heard the sound of a military vehicle and a shout. "Commander, Sir!" "Oh, hello Franco," said the Wabbit with affection. "You’re looking a lot better than the last time we met." "One hundred per cent fit for duty, Sir" said Franco. "You look like a marmittone with these wheels," joked the Wabbit. Franco laughed. "We're a couple of old marmittoni, Sir," he said. "I'll tell that to Lapinette," chuckled the Wabbit. "How is the Marchesa?" asked Franco. "She's having her ears smoothed," said the Wabbit. "She is such a lady, Sir" said Franco. "I fear the non-commissioned ranks have pictures of her in their barracks." "So do I" said the Wabbit. They both chuckled for a while."Where did you get the Fiat Campagnola?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn't make a requisition." "Skratch got it from the Motor Museum for our Rome trip," said Franco. The Wabbit looked concerned. "It was surplus to requirements, Sir," said Franco. "They were going to throw it away. It's all Hummers in there now." "Disgraceful!" said the Wabbit. He thought for a minute and there was a pause and a silence. "Franco," said the Wabbit soothingly. "This is an informal chat, so stand easy and chew the carrot." "Yes Sir," said Franco. "Now try saying "Yes Wabbit,"" said the Wabbit. "Yes Sir, Wabbit Sir," said Franco. "Try again and don't say "Sir" at all," said the Wabbit. Franco's forehead creased with effort. "Yes Wabbit ..." Franco's voice dropped and he said "Sir" under his breath. "I heard you," said the Wabbit. "I know Sir," smiled Franco.

marmittone: sprog, rookie, naive recruit

The Wabbit and the Supplies Question

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite building site when he heard a voice from somewhere slightly above him. "Hey Homey, how’s the ‘hood?" "Oh hello Skratch," said the Wabbit. "I have to tell you about our temporary relocation," "Rome?" asked Skratch. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "I know all about it. Let me break it down, man," said Skratch. "I've no beef with that," said the Wabbit, smiling to himself. "I got our camp supplies organised. I did a deal," grinned Skratch. "What kind of a deal?" said the Wabbit. "There's this place," said Skratch. "It's called the Pontiffs' place and it's all red inside, very glitzy." "They’ll supply us, foreally?" asked the Wabbit. "What’s the catch?" "We have to discourage unsavoury elements," said Skratch. "Now look Skratch," said the Wabbit, "they’ll be no bunkin' wild and no bangers!" "Hey man," said Skratch. "Don’t get it twisted. You know the ledge!" "Well I ain't no newjack," said the Wabbit. There was a pause and they both shuffled their paws. "So when do we roll up?" said Skratch. "A few weeks," said the Wabbit. "Scooby Doo! Not long!" said Skratch. "I gotta shop." "What for?" asked the Wabbit. "Cats pyjamas," purred Skratch.

The Wabbit and the Fur of the Puma

"Hello Wabbit, Are you taking a constitutional hop?" said a voice. The Wabbit was hopping along his favourite mountain path and he turned round. "Hello Puma!" he said and he stretched out a tentative paw to stroke Puma's back. "I must say, your fur is particularly sleek today," said the Wabbit. "I know, I've just had it done by a lovely little man in the Via Nizza." purred Puma. "He does Puma fur?" asked the Wabbit. "He's an equal opportunities barber," said Puma. The Wabbit wanted to laugh but he composed himself. "How do you two communicate?" he asked. "He speaks Puma, listen!" Puma made a series of long and short growls and ended with a truncated screech. "What’s that?" said the Wabbit. "Does Sir require a hot towel?" said Puma. "And did you require one?" asked the Wabbit "Definitely, it's the best bit," said Puma and he wriggled his neck and stretched. When he'd finished stretching, which took some considerable time, he sat up. "What's the deal with this camp in Rome business?" he said suddenly. "I'm arranging something,” said the Wabbit. "I hope so," said Puma. "I've already booked a tour of the Coliseum." "Puma, they're used to you here," said the Wabbit. "What will they think in Rome when you prowl down the street?” "When I prowl down the street," said Puma, "I'm in charge."

The Wabbit and the Contingency Fund

The Wabbit was having fun in his favourite park when he heard a voice. "Keep off the grass, Wabbit!" The Wabbit peered around his favourite pillar. "Oh, hello Snail," he smiled. "I am duly obliged to hop on the grass, since I am a Wabbit." "I heard we're going to Rome," said Snail. "There's no "we" about it," said the Wabbit. "It's a hush-hush secret Christmas mission." "We could construct a temporary camp," said Snail. "A change is good as a rest." The Wabbit thought rest was unlikely where Snail was involved. "How would you get there?" asked the Wabbit "I would hitch hike," said Snail. "And how would you signal your request for a lift?" said the Wabbit. "I would hook a single antenna and wiggle it," said Snail. The Wabbit tried to visualise the scene and gave up quickly. He fidgeted and hopped up and down and he thought and thought. "There might be a place I know," said the Wabbit. "It's near the Vatican." "Near the Vatican," echoed Snail with delight. "What's it really like?" "Nothing special," said the Wabbit. "Just a bunch of Pontiffs on scooters." "I'd like a scooter," said Snail. "Then you shall have one," said the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a requisition order. The Wabbit scribbled for a while and whistled through his teeth. "One scooter, blue, ordered" he said finally. "Isn't the Department short of cash?" puzzled Snail. "I put everything through the contingency fund," said the Wabbit. "Isn't the contingency fund for contingencies?" asked Snail. "Everything's a contingency," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Days to Christmas

"This is the best celery," said the Wabbit. "Pricey but delicious." "How much?" asked Lapinette. "I had to use my card," said the Wabbit. "The one that goes with that particular coat?" smiled Lapinette. "I call it the Jazz Card," said the Wabbit. "Well, you're going to need it. We've been posted to Rome for Christmas." said Lapinette. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "There's never a minute's peace." Pretending to be annoyed, the Wabbit thumped his foot for a bit and thought about cartwheeling. "We have to carry out a special Christmas mission," said Lapinette. "It's nowhere near Christmas," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "There's only 40 hopping days until Christmas, Wabbit” replied Lapinette swiftly. "Then I must get my cards posted to my distant cousins in Wablantis," grunted the Wabbit with a wicked grin. Lapinette laughed and winked. "In Rome, we'll be undercover," she said. "Oh, can I be a news vendor?" asked the Wabbit. "Giornalaio Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette with glee. "I like it," said the Wabbit. "I meet people and I get free magazines." "You slip them into your fur you mean," stated Lapinette, with mock disapproval. The Wabbit smiled but nonetheless checked in a secret pocket where he kept a recent edition of Vogue. "Isn't that Skratch over there with Monty?" said Lapinette with surprise. "What are they up to?" mused the Wabbit. "Something dubious to do with camp supplies?" ventured Lapinette. The Wabbit chattered all of his 28 teeth. "I hope they get a better price than me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Fusion Field

The group gathered in Ghost Bunny's laboratory, now permanently housed in the old abandoned garage. The Wabbit was having trouble with the project code names and was practicing. "Sparkle," he announced, addressing Ghost Bunny. "What the Binky is this machine?" "It's a fusion force field generator," said Ghost Bunny. "It will serve to protect us from future floods." The Wabbit hopped up and down with enthusiasm. "This thing?" he asked."This thing, as you put it, will protect us from floods, tempests and pestilence." said Ghost Bunny. "Pestilence?" enquired Lapinette. "Such as locusts," said Ghost Bunny. "What about the Forestry Police," asked the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny fluttered and smiled. "Out of ten, what's your tolerance for the poor Forestry Police," she asked. "About 2.5," said Lapinette. "Zero," said both the Wabbit and Skratch. Ghost Bunny made an adjustment. "There you are," she said. "How do we know it works?" said the Wabbit . "Do you see any Forestry Police?" said Ghost Bunny. "That's bad science," said the Wabbit. "Go outside and pretend to be the Forestry Police," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit hopped outside and turned around. Then stepping back he launched a hefty kick at the door and shouted. "Open, up! Forestry Police!" Immediately he felt a strange tingling and itching in his fur and it got worse and worse until he started jumping around. "It works, it works, turn it off!" shouted the Wabbit and he skulked back into the garage with a mean look. Lapinette and Skratch suddenly burst out laughing. "You've got bad fur now!" giggled Lapinette. "Oh no!" said the Wabbit and smoothed his crumpled coat. "Sparkle, do you have a force field setting for bad fur?" he asked. "It was a design priority," smiled Ghost Bunny.

The Wabbit and the Box of Stuff

The Wabbit looked at the box of stuff and he hopped up and down. "What are you building, Ghost Bunny?" he asked. "Is everything here?" said Ghost Bunny. "And some extra bits," said Lapinette. "We managed to get a multipactor tube." "That will do nicely," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit was frustrated and hopped over to Skratch. "What's she building Skratch?" he asked. "My code name today, is Klaw the Cat Crook," said Skratch. "OK, OK," said the Wabbit. "What's she building, Klaw?" "Sparkle knows what she's doing," said Skratch. "Sparkle?" said the Wabbit. "Sparkle," responded Skratch. The Wabbit hopped back to the box. "Is there a truck hire charge, Klaw?" he asked loudly in an unsuccessful attempt to take charge. "I did a deal with the pet shop," said Skratch and pawed his nose. "What is Sparkle building, Lapinette? I mean Trixie," said the Wabbit. "I trust Sparkle," said Lapinette. "Whatever she's building, it's for everyone's good." Ghost Bunny looked directly at the Wabbit and winked. "Do you have a universal tool kit, Bunny?" she said. "I always have one in my fur," replied the Wabbit. "Then we won't delay," said Ghost Bunny and she fluttered upwards, adopting the manner of a quiz show host. "Shall we open the box or ...?" she yelled. "Or ...?" everyone hollered back. "Or take the money?" she shouted. Skratch nudged the Wabbit and Lapinette threw her arms in the air. "Open the Box!" they cheered.

The Wabbit and the Shopping List

"Psst!" said a voice. The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette looked round. "Anything I can help you with?" said a metal spectre. "What sort of help?" said the Wabbit suspiciously. "Help to get difficult-to-get things," said the spectre. "Yes," said Lapinette, enthusiastically. The Wabbit frowned but he named the first thing on the list as a test. "Four spherical diodes," said the Wabbit. "Plenty in stock," said the metal spectre. "You can have eight for the price of four." "A lithium blanket," said Lapinette. "Ooooh," said the spectre. "For that you need a special license." "And how do we obtain one of these special licenses?" said Lapinette slyly. "I can acquire one instantly for a suitable price," said the spectre and he flicked a switch on his metal chest and produced a license. "OK," said Lapinette. "But only if you can throw in a box of superconducting magnets." "You'll need a multipactor tube," said the spectre. "Oh I don't know, really,” said Lapinette and she shook her head. "It’s on special offer," said the Spectre. "For today only." "I think we already have one in the shed," said Lapinette, with indifference. "Half price in anticipation of future business," said the spectre. "It's a deal," said Lapinette. "How will you take delivery?" asked the spectre. "We'll come to you," said the Wabbit, who was glad to get a word in. "Metal Michele," said the spectre and offered a spectral hand. The Wabbit thought for a minute. "I am ... the Bunny," he said and smiled warmly. Then he glanced at Lapinette and his smile turned into a malicious grin. "This is Trixie," he said. "Trixie Beaujolais," simpered Lapinette.

The Wabbit and Lapinette go Shopping

The Wabbit and Lapinette had gone shopping for supplies. "We need a lot of cash to replace everything lost in the flood," said Lapinette.”Now, I have a card here in my fur for that sort of thing," said the Wabbit and he rummaged for a long time. Lapinette looked at him knowingly, "It’s in your other coat," she sighed. "No no," said the Wabbit. "It goes with this coat." "You have a debit card for different coats?" gasped Lapinette "Doesn't everyone?" said the Wabbit and he finally pulled a green plastic card from his fur. Lapinette took the card and hopped up to the machine. "You don't know my secret number," said the Wabbit. "I can make a guess," said Lapinette. "Watch this!" And she hopped straight into the air. On her way up, Lapinette put the card in the slot and on the way down she typed numbers onto the pad. There was a clicking and a long, long whirring. Suddenly a lot of money tumbled from the dispenser and Lapinette swept it up and it vanished. "How do you know my number?" said the Wabbit, frowning. "It's the date of the Great Wabbit Uprising," said Lapinette. "How many people know that?" exclaimed the Wabbit "Well, I know that," said Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head. "What's first on the list?" he asked. "Skratch wants a grappling hook and Ghost Bunny requires a number of electronic components." said Lapinette. "What's she building," puzzled the Wabbit. It was Lapinette's turn to shake her head. "Costs a lot," she murmured. The Wabbit's eyes gleamed. "Let's go!" he said.