The Wabbit and the Contingency Fund

The Wabbit was having fun in his favourite park when he heard a voice. "Keep off the grass, Wabbit!" The Wabbit peered around his favourite pillar. "Oh, hello Snail," he smiled. "I am duly obliged to hop on the grass, since I am a Wabbit." "I heard we're going to Rome," said Snail. "There's no "we" about it," said the Wabbit. "It's a hush-hush secret Christmas mission." "We could construct a temporary camp," said Snail. "A change is good as a rest." The Wabbit thought rest was unlikely where Snail was involved. "How would you get there?" asked the Wabbit "I would hitch hike," said Snail. "And how would you signal your request for a lift?" said the Wabbit. "I would hook a single antenna and wiggle it," said Snail. The Wabbit tried to visualise the scene and gave up quickly. He fidgeted and hopped up and down and he thought and thought. "There might be a place I know," said the Wabbit. "It's near the Vatican." "Near the Vatican," echoed Snail with delight. "What's it really like?" "Nothing special," said the Wabbit. "Just a bunch of Pontiffs on scooters." "I'd like a scooter," said Snail. "Then you shall have one," said the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a requisition order. The Wabbit scribbled for a while and whistled through his teeth. "One scooter, blue, ordered" he said finally. "Isn't the Department short of cash?" puzzled Snail. "I put everything through the contingency fund," said the Wabbit. "Isn't the contingency fund for contingencies?" asked Snail. "Everything's a contingency," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Days to Christmas

"This is the best celery," said the Wabbit. "Pricey but delicious." "How much?" asked Lapinette. "I had to use my card," said the Wabbit. "The one that goes with that particular coat?" smiled Lapinette. "I call it the Jazz Card," said the Wabbit. "Well, you're going to need it. We've been posted to Rome for Christmas." said Lapinette. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "There's never a minute's peace." Pretending to be annoyed, the Wabbit thumped his foot for a bit and thought about cartwheeling. "We have to carry out a special Christmas mission," said Lapinette. "It's nowhere near Christmas," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "There's only 40 hopping days until Christmas, Wabbit” replied Lapinette swiftly. "Then I must get my cards posted to my distant cousins in Wablantis," grunted the Wabbit with a wicked grin. Lapinette laughed and winked. "In Rome, we'll be undercover," she said. "Oh, can I be a news vendor?" asked the Wabbit. "Giornalaio Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette with glee. "I like it," said the Wabbit. "I meet people and I get free magazines." "You slip them into your fur you mean," stated Lapinette, with mock disapproval. The Wabbit smiled but nonetheless checked in a secret pocket where he kept a recent edition of Vogue. "Isn't that Skratch over there with Monty?" said Lapinette with surprise. "What are they up to?" mused the Wabbit. "Something dubious to do with camp supplies?" ventured Lapinette. The Wabbit chattered all of his 28 teeth. "I hope they get a better price than me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Fusion Field

The group gathered in Ghost Bunny's laboratory, now permanently housed in the old abandoned garage. The Wabbit was having trouble with the project code names and was practicing. "Sparkle," he announced, addressing Ghost Bunny. "What the Binky is this machine?" "It's a fusion force field generator," said Ghost Bunny. "It will serve to protect us from future floods." The Wabbit hopped up and down with enthusiasm. "This thing?" he asked."This thing, as you put it, will protect us from floods, tempests and pestilence." said Ghost Bunny. "Pestilence?" enquired Lapinette. "Such as locusts," said Ghost Bunny. "What about the Forestry Police," asked the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny fluttered and smiled. "Out of ten, what's your tolerance for the poor Forestry Police," she asked. "About 2.5," said Lapinette. "Zero," said both the Wabbit and Skratch. Ghost Bunny made an adjustment. "There you are," she said. "How do we know it works?" said the Wabbit . "Do you see any Forestry Police?" said Ghost Bunny. "That's bad science," said the Wabbit. "Go outside and pretend to be the Forestry Police," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit hopped outside and turned around. Then stepping back he launched a hefty kick at the door and shouted. "Open, up! Forestry Police!" Immediately he felt a strange tingling and itching in his fur and it got worse and worse until he started jumping around. "It works, it works, turn it off!" shouted the Wabbit and he skulked back into the garage with a mean look. Lapinette and Skratch suddenly burst out laughing. "You've got bad fur now!" giggled Lapinette. "Oh no!" said the Wabbit and smoothed his crumpled coat. "Sparkle, do you have a force field setting for bad fur?" he asked. "It was a design priority," smiled Ghost Bunny.

The Wabbit and the Box of Stuff

The Wabbit looked at the box of stuff and he hopped up and down. "What are you building, Ghost Bunny?" he asked. "Is everything here?" said Ghost Bunny. "And some extra bits," said Lapinette. "We managed to get a multipactor tube." "That will do nicely," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit was frustrated and hopped over to Skratch. "What's she building Skratch?" he asked. "My code name today, is Klaw the Cat Crook," said Skratch. "OK, OK," said the Wabbit. "What's she building, Klaw?" "Sparkle knows what she's doing," said Skratch. "Sparkle?" said the Wabbit. "Sparkle," responded Skratch. The Wabbit hopped back to the box. "Is there a truck hire charge, Klaw?" he asked loudly in an unsuccessful attempt to take charge. "I did a deal with the pet shop," said Skratch and pawed his nose. "What is Sparkle building, Lapinette? I mean Trixie," said the Wabbit. "I trust Sparkle," said Lapinette. "Whatever she's building, it's for everyone's good." Ghost Bunny looked directly at the Wabbit and winked. "Do you have a universal tool kit, Bunny?" she said. "I always have one in my fur," replied the Wabbit. "Then we won't delay," said Ghost Bunny and she fluttered upwards, adopting the manner of a quiz show host. "Shall we open the box or ...?" she yelled. "Or ...?" everyone hollered back. "Or take the money?" she shouted. Skratch nudged the Wabbit and Lapinette threw her arms in the air. "Open the Box!" they cheered.

The Wabbit and the Shopping List

"Psst!" said a voice. The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette looked round. "Anything I can help you with?" said a metal spectre. "What sort of help?" said the Wabbit suspiciously. "Help to get difficult-to-get things," said the spectre. "Yes," said Lapinette, enthusiastically. The Wabbit frowned but he named the first thing on the list as a test. "Four spherical diodes," said the Wabbit. "Plenty in stock," said the metal spectre. "You can have eight for the price of four." "A lithium blanket," said Lapinette. "Ooooh," said the spectre. "For that you need a special license." "And how do we obtain one of these special licenses?" said Lapinette slyly. "I can acquire one instantly for a suitable price," said the spectre and he flicked a switch on his metal chest and produced a license. "OK," said Lapinette. "But only if you can throw in a box of superconducting magnets." "You'll need a multipactor tube," said the spectre. "Oh I don't know, really,” said Lapinette and she shook her head. "It’s on special offer," said the Spectre. "For today only." "I think we already have one in the shed," said Lapinette, with indifference. "Half price in anticipation of future business," said the spectre. "It's a deal," said Lapinette. "How will you take delivery?" asked the spectre. "We'll come to you," said the Wabbit, who was glad to get a word in. "Metal Michele," said the spectre and offered a spectral hand. The Wabbit thought for a minute. "I am ... the Bunny," he said and smiled warmly. Then he glanced at Lapinette and his smile turned into a malicious grin. "This is Trixie," he said. "Trixie Beaujolais," simpered Lapinette.

The Wabbit and Lapinette go Shopping

The Wabbit and Lapinette had gone shopping for supplies. "We need a lot of cash to replace everything lost in the flood," said Lapinette.”Now, I have a card here in my fur for that sort of thing," said the Wabbit and he rummaged for a long time. Lapinette looked at him knowingly, "It’s in your other coat," she sighed. "No no," said the Wabbit. "It goes with this coat." "You have a debit card for different coats?" gasped Lapinette "Doesn't everyone?" said the Wabbit and he finally pulled a green plastic card from his fur. Lapinette took the card and hopped up to the machine. "You don't know my secret number," said the Wabbit. "I can make a guess," said Lapinette. "Watch this!" And she hopped straight into the air. On her way up, Lapinette put the card in the slot and on the way down she typed numbers onto the pad. There was a clicking and a long, long whirring. Suddenly a lot of money tumbled from the dispenser and Lapinette swept it up and it vanished. "How do you know my number?" said the Wabbit, frowning. "It's the date of the Great Wabbit Uprising," said Lapinette. "How many people know that?" exclaimed the Wabbit "Well, I know that," said Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head. "What's first on the list?" he asked. "Skratch wants a grappling hook and Ghost Bunny requires a number of electronic components." said Lapinette. "What's she building," puzzled the Wabbit. It was Lapinette's turn to shake her head. "Costs a lot," she murmured. The Wabbit's eyes gleamed. "Let's go!" he said.

The Wabbit and the Hospital

At the Big Hospital's flood relief centre, the friends were all allocated colourful rugs. Even Ghost Bunny managed to find a ghostly rug and she fluttered around with it. "What about the flood, Sir?" said Franco from under his Alpini hat. "When it abates, we will return," said the Wabbit. "We'll dry everything out and make sure you have a watertight base." "I'm concerned about the Pet Shop in Corso Svizzera," said Skratch. "All that dried food must have expanded right out into the street and stopped the traffic." Lapinette put her paw in front of her mouth to hide a smile because she knew that Skratch had some crafty supply deal with the Pet Shop. "Perhaps that wouldn't be a bad thing," said the Wabbit. "These floods might be caused by global warming." "It didn't feel very warm," said Puma who was still shivering. "It was cold and wet and horrid," said Snail, munching a cardboard tray. "I saw it coming but it was too late," said Ghost Bunny. "Suddenly the river came over the bank and ran straight at us." "Like it was alive," said Puma and he growled softly. "It's the River Dora. I think Dora means "to run"" said Lapinette. "It took a good run at us," said Snail. "Start again sir!" interrupted Franco Contadino and he pushed his hat back. "We can find you somewhere temporary, Franco," said the Wabbit reassuringly. "Rather not, Sir. Hop straight on, Sir," said Franco and he coughed a bit. "You could have done without this Franco." said the Wabbit. "You need a proper examination." "I'll get Doctor Stefano to check you out," said Lapinette and she headed for the lift. "The stairs are quicker," shouted the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Big Flood

"We're over here," shouted Skratch and he waved frantically as the flood rose around him. The Wabbit’s radio crackled. "Disaster Control to Commander Wabbit. You haven't much time, so get out now!" "Not before everyone's on board," muttered the Wabbit under his breath. "Rendezvous at the Big White Hospital. Out," hissed the radio. “Copy that," said the Wabbit to himself. Lapinette threw out the ladder and Skratch grabbed the end and pulled Franco towards him. "Where's my hat?" gasped Franco. "Ghost Bunny's got it for goodness sake," said Skratch and he propelled Franco up the ladder. "What about Snail?" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette looked across at Ghost Bunny and shouted at the top of her voice.”Tell Snail to climb to the roof, we'll pick him up there!" The sound of the torrent seized her words and mangled them, but somehow Snail heard. "On my way," he shouted. "I've ever seen a snail move that fast," shouted the Wabbit to Lapinette. With everyone on board the Wabbit lifted the helichopper over the trees and then dropped it back down on the Padiglione roof. Lapinette threw open the cargo door and Snail somehow hopped in. "I thought you liked the wet," smiled the Wabbit. "I have a limit," said Snail. "Get us out of here!" The Wabbit lifted the helichopper vertically, wheeled and flew across the city towards the Big White Hospital. “Wabbit to Control," said the Wabbit into the radio. "We're on our way. Five cosy blankets, one extra large please." "Anything else?” said a tired voice. "Seven hot refreshments," replied the Wabbit. "On a cardboard tray," said Snail.

5. The Wabbit & Lapinette in the Lost Park

"What took you so long?" asked Lapinette, who had materialised back in the park some minutes before. "I've been waiting a while," she smiled. "I don't know," said the Wabbit and he checked his fur to make sure that everything was there. "I was stuck in some kind of time buffer and things appeared and whirled around and disappeared." The Wabbit paused as he tried to remember. "And I saw some wabbits I once knew, but as soon as I spoke to them, they vanished." he said. "You couldn't just have a normal trip for once!" exclaimed Lapinette. "And break with tradition?” replied the Wabbit and he chortled. "Don't you think there's something familiar about that tree trunk," asked Lapinette. "Spooky," said the Wabbit and he looked around, half expecting Lag, the prehistoric wabbit, to come cart-wheeling through. "The time portal must be around here somewhere," said the Wabbit and he looked to right and left. "Do you want to go back?" said Lapinette. "No, not really," said the Wabbit. "It was beautiful and interesting, but a little quiet for my liking." "You prefer the city," said Lapinette. "More cafes," said the Wabbit. "We could go back in time and open one," said Lapinette." "The Time Lag Cafe," laughed the Wabbit. "Temporal aperitivo please!" giggled Lapinette. "Of all the joints in all of Space and all of Time, she walks into this one," drawled the Wabbit. How they laughed as they hopped home but though they were to search many times for that park, they never found it again.

4. The Wabbit and the Star Wall

Lag, the prehistoric wabbit, cart-wheeled with ease to a strange wall. "What's a wall doing here?" whispered the Wabbit to Lapinette. "It's the Star Wall where things come and go," said Lag. "What sort of things?" asked the Wabbit. "Interestingly interesting things" replied Lag. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit shrugged. "Thanks to you, we'll develop the cart-wheeling gene," said Lag. "Gene?" said the Wabbit with surprise. "Because of you, wabbits will be able to cartwheel in the time that has yet to come," said Lag. "Well, it's really only me that cartwheels," murmured the Wabbit and he thought for a bit. "So I came back and made the wabbit cartwheel a possibility?" he mused and his voice trailed off into silence. "So it's a paradox," said the Wabbit suddenly. "Maybe not" said Lapinette. "It could be a temporal modification negation." "Is that the principle that makes everything that happens OK?" asked the Wabbit. "Automatically," replied Lapinette. "That’ll do," said the Wabbit. "Hold quite still and you'll find yourself reassembled at the place you came from," said Lag. "Reassembled?" said the Wabbit and he felt his body begin to tingle. As he watched, Lapinette faded and disappeared before his eyes, leaving a trail of sparkles. "Oh, goodbye Lag," said the Wabbit kindly. "Goodbye Wabbit, we're going to practice and practice," said Lag. "No rush," said the Wabbit and he vanished.

3. The Wabbit teaches The Cartwheel Hop

"We'll set up here," announced the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a collapsible measuring stick. Lapinette ignored this turn of events and spoke to Lag the prehistoric wabbit. "Try a simple hop first," she said. Lag hopped up and down for a quite a while, but he always came down on the same spot. "I have an idea," said the Wabbit. "Why don't you think of a cartwheel?" "What's a cartwheel?" asked Lag. "It's a roundy-come-roundy thing that goes round," said the Wabbit. "What a good idea," said Lag. "It's all the rage," said the Wabbit, adopting an instructional stance. "When you hop to your highest Lag, try leaning with your shoulder and pitching forward." "Which shoulder?" asked Lag. "Any shoulder," replied the Wabbit. So Lag took up position and made a sudden hop. Then just when Lag was at the highest he could go, the Wabbit hopped quickly forward and poked him with his stick. "Oooh," said Lag and he pitched forward, rolled on his back and settled on his feet. He turned and looked at the Wabbit for congratulation. "Again," said the Wabbit. "No stick?" said Lag, "No stick," said the Wabbit. So Lag leapt high in the air and cartwheeled forward and wheeled round and came back again. "I'll teach everyone," said Lag. Lapinette winced and buried her head in her paws. "What about the space time continuum, now?" she said. "We invented the wheel," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Prehistoric Wabbit

Lapinette and the Wabbit followed the giant wabbit and found themselves in a strange landscape. "We're the ones that hopped through a singularity,” said the Wabbit. The Wabbit strode up to the giant wabbit and the giant wabbit bent down, "Are you a prehistoric wabbit?” asked the Wabbit. The giant shook his head. "Well, where is this land?" asked the Wabbit. The giant wabbit shook his head once more. Lapinette nudged the Wabbit because she had an idea. "D'on ets?" she asked. "I'm from here," said the giant wabbit. “I didn't know you spoke Klingon,” said the Wabbit. "Catalan," said Lapinette. “Oh,” said the Wabbit and he turned to the giant wabbit. "El mei aerollicador esta ple d'anguiles," he said with confidence. "I'm sorry your hovercraft is full of eels," replied the giant wabbit with surprise. The Wabbit shook his universal translator and hit it a few time with his paw. "What's your name" asked Lapinette. "Lag," said the giant wabbit and he turned to the Wabbit. "I do like your ears,” he said with enthusiasm. “It takes billions of years of evolution to get ears like this," said the Wabbit and he patted them. Lag smiled. "I would like to hop,” he said shyly. "I've been practicing." "Yes," said the Wabbit. "It needs work." Lapinette shot a warning glance at the Wabbit. "We can teach you, Lag." she said. "I thought we shouldn't meddle with space and time,” said the Wabbit. “We'll say it was like that when we got here,” smiled Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit: A Wabbit of a Different Kind

Lapinette and the Wabbit had found a park that they never knew existed and they hopped slowly through the trees to see what they could see. Suddenly the Wabbit came to a halt and his ears bent back at a strange angle. "Listen," said the Wabbit. "I can hear a crunching!" "And a munching too," said Lapinette. They crouched in the undergrowth together and looked at a creature who was clearly a wabbit. "It's a Giant Wabbit of a Different Kind,” said the Wabbit and he looked at the giant wabbit and thought. “Do you know," he said. "That's a Neuralgia Rex." "Nuralagus Rex," corrected Lapinette and she grinned. The Wabbit was shaking his head. "It may have hopped into a singularity," he said, because he had only recently been talking quantum physics with Ghost Bunny. "Nurulagus Rex doesn't hop," said Lapinette. But just as the words were out of her mouth, the giant wabbit hopped straight into the air and crashed back down on exactly the same spot. The Wabbit put a paw to his chin and sank into deep thought. Lapinette watched him think for a while, somewhat aware of a vague whirring of cogs and grinding of gears. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "Then it's the Missing Link! It's out of the past, let’s follow it." "We would be interfering with space and time," said Lapinette. "Not at all," said the Wabbit. "We’re here in this spot for a reason. You mark my words." "I'll inform the Department then," said Lapinette strictly. "Its a field decision," chortled the Wabbit. "Then there's no time like the present," said Lapinette.

The Wabbit tries to Explain

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette were hopping past the Porta Palatina, chatting as they hopped. "So," said Lapinette, "you told me about your journey, but little of your Goddess." "Demi-Goddess," said the Wabbit, "she was wonderful." Lapinette stopped hopping and turned. "And did this wonderful Demi-Goddess have a name?" she asked. "Lapnet," said the Wabbit. "Oh," said Lapinette and she pondered for a minute. "So what was she like?" she asked. The Wabbit thought it best to pay attention and said, "She was completely proper and formal as a Goddess should be." "Demi-Goddess," said Lapinette and she thought deeply. "Tell me, what was she wearing?" she said eventually. "Oh nothing much," said the Wabbit defensively and he cringed when he saw Lapinette's expression. "What I mean is that she had a short Greek dress with a waist tightly cinched by a silver belt." Lapinette glared but the Wabbit was in full flight and couldn't stop. "And she was garbed in white with blue flowers and the whole outfit was topped with a shoulder clasp." "A shoulder clasp?" hissed Lapinette. "To hold everything up." said the Wabbit weakly and he winced. There was a long silence. "What was I wearing yesterday?" asked Lapinette suddenly. "The usual ...? " queried the Wabbit hesitantly. As his voice trailed off, his head sank into his fur and his teeth became quite rigid. So he closed his eyes and wished he had never uttered a word. Then he felt a paw under his chin and he carefully opened a single eye to see Lapinette smiling sweetly. "I was winding you up," she laughed.

The Wabbit at Hallowe'en

Ghost Bunny swooped into the Hallowe'en gathering. "Are you frightened Fellow Ghouls?" she yelled. "Yes," shouted the gathering in a dutiful response. "How frightened?" she shouted. "Petrified!" they all hollered back. "It's time for the first story," said Ghost Bunny. Snail cleared his throat and nudged the Wabbit. "Did you hear the story about the old empty hospital," he asked. "There was nothing in it," smiled the Wabbit. Everyone groaned and chuckled at the same time. "Who stops ghosts smuggling?" asked Franco. "I give up," said the Wabbit quickly. "The Ghostguard," said Franco. "I liked that one," said Puma. "Where do baby ghosts go during the day?" asked Ghost Bunny. Everyone shook their heads. "A dayscare centre," she said. Everyone giggled for a while. "Did you ever hear tell of the Bunny Man?"asked Skratch the Cat in a low serious voice. "No," said the gathering. "He dressed as a big big wabbit and came out in the dead of night to drag victims to his tunnel." "Oooh," said Ghost Bunny. "What happened?" "He's thought to be deceased," said Skratch. "But every Hallowe'en he appears with his axe. If you listen, you can hear him." They all listened carefully and sure enough they could hear a dull thudding. They all drew closer to the fire and shivered. The Wabbit looked around and around to see if things were safe, but still they could all hear an increasing beat as the Bunny Man advanced." Skratch," said Lapinette." Yes," said Skratch innocently. "Stop thumping your tail," she grinned.