The Wabbit and the Strange Case of the Wine Thieves

"What are they?" whispered the Snail. "They're Skuttles!" said the hushed voice of the Wabbit. "What's a Skuttle?" asked Ghost Bunny. "It's a creature that feeds on industrial quantities of wine," said Lapinette softly. "It's like a hedgehog and it's been genetically modified." "They are cunning and ruthless and busy," said the Wabbit. "And they have lorries," he added and muttered. Everyone strained to hear. "They drive by night!" he said grimly. "Do they?" said Lapinette. "They must," said the Wabbit. "You never see them drive by day." "True," agreed Lapinette. The Wabbit continued. "Yet they transport tons of produce to feed their voracious appetites," he said in dismay. "I'm hungry," said the Snail." "Eat some grapes," said the Wabbit. "Our plan is to lure them through the fields to their own base," explained Lapinette. "How will we do that?" enquired Ghost Bunny. "Shall I go up there and frighten them down here?" "Can you make yourself invisible?" asked the Wabbit. "I'm a ghost," said Ghost Bunny. "Frighten them up and down the vineyard. Keep them moving then scare them back down here," said Lapinette. "When they get here, Snail, you block their path so that they have to make a right turn, down that road there." "What then?" asked Ghost Bunny. "We'll head 'em off at the pass," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit Loops the Loop

"Lapinette to Wabbit Air Control. Over," said Lapinette. The speaker crackled "Reading you Lapinette. Your heading?" "Casorzo, Piemonte. ETA 30 minutes," replied Lapinette. "Two supernumeraries on board." "We know," crackled Air Control. "If they know everything, they already know where we're going," muttered the Wabbit. "Protocol," said Lapinette. "This helichopper has a rigid rotor head, doesn't it?" said the Wabbit suddenly. "A modification I insisted upon," said Lapinette. "During commissioning," she added firmly. "Oh good, give me the controls," said the Wabbit. "I'm not sure this is wise," said Lapinette, handing over. "Trust me," said the Wabbit and disconnected a servo cord from the base of the joystick. The Snail, who was comfortably installed in the cargo space, groaned audibly. The Wabbit grinned and threw the helichopper into a vertical climb. The blades struggled for grip as the Wabbit looped backwards through a full 360 degrees. "Frighten!" yelled Ghost Bunny, free falling through the cabin. "Where did you learn to do that?" asked Lapinette. "Girl Guides Air Arm," said the Wabbit. "You were in the Girl Guides?" said the Snail. "Oh yes," said the Wabbit. "What happened," said Lapinette. "They threw me out," murmured the Wabbit through gritted teeth. "What for?" said the Snail. "For doing this," said the Wabbit and they all yelled as he yanked back the joystick.

The Wabbit's transport arrives

The Wabbit and the Snail and Ghost Bunny were the last to leave the Fiat Café. "I can hear your helichopper," said the Big Blue Snail. "It can't be, that's Lovely Lapinette over there," whispered Ghost Bunny. "Lapinette!" cried the Wabbit, hopping up and down. "Who's flying the helichopper?" asked the Wabbit. Lapinette waved her brolly. "It's remote control. Very new, very hush-hush." "As a Commander, I have wabbit-1 clearance." said the Wabbit examining the brolly grip closely. "Oh buttons! That red one there. Can I press it?" "No!" shouted everyone with one voice. "This is Big Blue," introduced the Wabbit. "I know," said Lapinette."We have a file on you." "Excellent," said the Snail. "And I believe there are meetings." added Lapinette sweetly. "Splendid," said the Snail and waggled his antennae. "What did you do on your leave?" asked Lapinette of the Wabbit. "Nothing much really, Just going around." said the Wabbit and grinned. "That's not what I heard," said Lapinette. "There's a file about my leave?" said the Wabbit. "Everything," said Lapinette. "With pictures?" said the Wabbit. "Of course," said Lapinette. "Can we order prints?" asked the Wabbit.

The Wabbit back in the Fiat Café

The Wabbit, the Big Blue Snail and Ghost Bunny had all repaired to the Fiat Café for a nourishing bite to eat. But the Wabbit was thoughtful. "What's up, Wabbit?" asked the Big Blue Snail. "Oh sorry," said the Wabbit. "Usually my beloved Lapinette would be here." The Wabbit sighed and stared at the table. The Snail whispered to Ghost Bunny. "What's she like?" "She's lovely and flies a helichopper," breathed Ghost Bunny and fluttered. "Cheer up Wabbit," said the Snail. "Lets drink a toast to Lapinette!" And they all drank a toast and said what a pity and wouldn't she enjoy herself if she was here. And very soon they were discussing everything they had seen and heard in the city. The Wabbit paused. "Soon," he said, "I will be going on an importantly important misssion." "Do tell!" said Ghost Bunny. "Very hush-hush I'm afraid, but Lapinette will be picking me up in her helichopper," said the Wabbit and plumped up his fur. "Can I come?" asked Ghost Bunny?" "Me too," said the Big Blue snail, "I can act as a look-out." "I will frighten intruders witless," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit grinned a big 28 tooth grin. "I appoint you my special duty agents," he said. "When do we frighteningly leave?" asked Ghost Bunny. "When the Café runs out of carrot aperitivi," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Path of the Puma

The Snail had decided to live at the old abandoned hospital and so all together, they made their way by the forest path. But as they rounded a corner, they found their way blocked by a most ferocious creature. There was no way past and the Wabbit hopped forward. "Good evening Mr Puma," he said in a commanding tone. "Oh really, is there anyone you don't know?" asked the Snail. "How is Skratch?" said the puma. "Around and about," said the Wabbit in a non-commital fashion. "I thought you were safely relocated." "Grrr," said the puma. "Don't talk me about the Forestry Police. They caged me and did things with tags. And the food was horrid. I escaped at the first opportunity." "Frighten, frighten, frighten," called Ghost Bunny from behind the fence. "Oh Hello," said the puma and he lifted a weary, mud stained paw. "Snail," said the Snail, "Big Blue," he added. "Pleased to meet you," said the puma. The Wabbit was going to ask if the puma was hungry but he thought better of it. "What are your plans, Puma?" "Prowl the territory, know the territory. It is the Path of the Puma." said the Puma. "And then?" prompted the Wabbit. "I will be the territory," said the Puma with such a solemn expression that the three friends wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh. But they wisely decided against.

The Wabbit sings with Premiata Forneria Marconi

"Oh, it's raining!" said the Snail. "The show must go on," said the Wabbit. "I rather like the rain," said the Snail." "I do not, it sullies my fur," said the Wabbit and stared over the umbrellas. "My goodness, look who it is," gasped the Wabbit, "come on!" The Wabbit leapt to the front and with a single bound he was on the stage. "Patrick, Franco, Franz!" greeted the Wabbit and his voice boomed through the speakers. There was a murmur in the crowd and it became increasingly louder. "Wabbit, Wabbit! We want the Wabbit!" shouted the crowd. "With this rain we haven't got long." said Patrick, "so take it away Wabbit," " What with I wonder," thought the Wabbit." "Any requests?" he shouted, tapping the microphone. "Photos of Ghosts!" murmured Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit glanced at Ghost Bunny and grinned. "Photos of Ghosts, Photos of Ghosts!" yelled the crowd. A melodic introduction began. "Black roses laced with silver, By a broken moon, Ten million stars, And the whispered harmonies of leaves," sang the Wabbit. The crowd roared and drowned out his voice so he sang louder, ""Five dusty tomes, with faded pasted pictures, of love's reverie, across each cover is written, "Herein are Photos of Ghosts". The Wabbit paused for the attention of his audience - then when he had it, he lowered his voice and sang softly. "... of ghosts, of ghosts, of ghosts, of ghosts ..." His words echoed and bounced across the wet square and the streaming rooftops and all the umbrellas of all the people. Suddenly a thunderous crack shook the buildings. Lightning filled the air and poked its way into every crevice as the rain poured down in torrents.

The Wabbit asks for Directions

The Wabbit, the Snail and Ghost Bunny set off through the city. Now all three were wondering what to do next. "I want to be entertained," said Ghost Bunny. "Me too," said the Snail. "I find the city very entertaining as it is," said the Wabbit. "But we could perhaps approach a denizen of these parts and ask him for recommendations." "I like denizens!" said Ghost Bunny and fluttered about in excitement. "You speak, Mr Wabbit." said the Snail. "You seem gifted in that department." "Oh, all right," said the Wabbit. "Excuse me, man with striped shirt!" The man was in a hurry for his tram, but he paused briefly and looked directly at the Wabbit. "How can I help you, Wabbit?" "We seek entertainment, my good sir," replied the Wabbit. "What might you suggest?" The man stood and thought and he looked at the Snail with interest. "Proceed along this tram route," he said, "and you will come to a big square. There will be a free concert there later." "Free?" asked the Wabbit just to make sure. "Gratis," said the man. "Thank you so much," said the Wabbit and raised a paw. The man shook his paw gravely and with a sidelong glance at the Snail, he departed. The Wabbit turned to his friends and grinned. "Shall we proceed?" he said. "Directly!" said the Snail and Ghost Bunny.

The Wabbit makes an Introduction

"Another hospital?" queried the Snail. "This is my most favouritist abandoned hospital," enthused the Wabbit. "I wanted to introduce you to my learn-ed associate!" There was a low moaning from the corner of the roof and the Snail ducked quickly as an apparition swooped over his antennae. The apparition executed several tight turns and yelled "Frighten, frighten frighten!" "She's coming back for second swoop," gurgled the Snail and ducked again. "Be not afraid," said the Wabbit. "I wasn't really," confessed the Snail. The apparition hovered just above the Wabbit''s shoulder, fluttering occasionally. "Ghost Bunny's the name. Haunting's the game!" said Ghost Bunny. "Excellent swooping," said the Snail. Ghost Bunny whispered in the Wabbit's ear, which was quite easy. "I like your friend," she said in a soft, breathess tone. "You're not from round here," interrupted the Snail. "I'm from Pluto," said Ghost Bunny proudly. "Not many of you Plutonians in this city," said the Snail and winked with the eye at the end of his longer antenna. "Just one," said the Wabbit, taking control of the conversation. "Ghost Bunny has a doctorate in Quantum ... thingies." "Will you take a slide with me?" asked the Snail. ""Yes but I'd rather frighteningly hover," murmured Ghost Bunny. "I will hop!" said the Wabbit sharply

The Wabbit, the Snail and the Big Football Boy

The Wabbit and the Snail ambled along Via Netro. "Look!" said the Wabbit. "I usually speak to the Big Football Boy when I hop past." "Does he say anything back?" asked the Snail." Not a lot," said the Wabbit. "All he says is, "It's over there!"" "Where?" said the Snail. "There," said the Wabbit. The Snail looked all around. "I don't see anything," murmured the Snail in a disappointed fashion.. "You're not looking for anything." said the Wabbit in a matter-of-fact voice he used when delivering a lecture. "I'm usually going somewhere, so I ask him where that somewhere is and he says "It's over there!" "But you already know where you're going," said the Snail. "Exactly!" said the Wabbit "That's why it always works." The Snail shook his head. "Let me get this right," he sighed. "You ask the boy - but you already know the way." "Never fails," said the Wabbit. The Snail thought for a bit. Then he addressed the boy. "Where is the Museum of Natural History?" "It's over there," said the boy. "So it is," said the Snail and turned to the Wabbit. "Do you think he supports Juventus?" The Wabbit merely shrugged, so the Snail spoke loudly to the boy. "What way to the Juventus Football Stadium?" "It used to be over there!" said the boy.

The Wabbit and the Snail visit the Hospital

The Wabbit and the Big Blue Snail continued their stroll through the city. "This is a hospital!" said the Snail. "Yes, it's my most favouritist hospital ever," said the Wabbit enthusiastically. "How so?" asked the Snail. "It has the most fantastic snack bar," said the Wabbit. "In the hospital?" said the Snail, but it was more of a statement than a question. "Yes!" cried the Wabbit. "Everyone here likes the Wabbit and if I speak to people they are most pleasant to me." "Well for choice I wouldn't want to be here," said the Snail. "But," said the Wabbit, "if I had a broken paw, I could be treated here and then I would slip down to the snack bar in my pyjamas." The Snail thought the Wabbit was already wearing pyjamas. "I am rather peckish," said the Snail. "Watch this," said the Wabbit. "I will go and ask for refreshments da portare via and they will rush around and put everything on a little tray and cover it with foil!" "Really?" said the Snail, who was quite impressed. "What will you have?" asked the Wabbit. "A mushroom, fruit and leaves panino," said the Snail. "Subito!" said the Wabbit. He vanished and quickly returned with his order. "And is that a cardboard tray?" asked the Snail. "It is," said the Wabbit. "Nom nom," said the Snail.

The Wabbit: Walking with the Big Blue Snail

The Wabbit and the Snail drifted through the grid of streets that lay behind the Piazza Carlo Felice. " I do see what you mean," said the Snail. "There is much to learn about natural history on the street." "What have you noticed?" asked the Wabbit encouragingly. "All these people, they go hither and thither," said the Snail. "And so shall we," said the Wabbit. "Look! Here's my favourite bookshop." The Wabbit and the Snail looked at the man in the window for a long time. "He needs cheering up," said the Snail." "He is a film director and makes comical yet ultimately depressing films." said the Wabbit knowledgeably. "Give me an example," said the Snail. "OK," said the Wabbit. "Here's a line from one of his films." The Wabbit struck a dramatic pose. "The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of wabbits forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos." The Wabbit slapped his sides and convulsed in helpless mirth. The Snail was silent for nearly ten minutes. Then suddenly he smiled. The smile turned into a giggle, the giggle turned into a full blooded laugh and then his shell began to shake. "Here's lookin'' at you, Wabbit," said the Snail.

The Wabbit and the Big Blue Snail

The Wabbit was kicking around with no particular place to go. And he was grumbling to himself that he wasn't having an adventure. Lapinette had been called away on an urgent mission and Skratch was just Skratch and was wandering with intent. "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored," muttered the Wabbit through his 28 teeth. "You're telling me," said a deep voice. The Wabbit looked around sharply because he had become so wrapped in his own complaints that had failed to noticed a Big Blue Snail. "I didn't notice you there," said the Wabbit. "I find that hard to believe," said the Snail. "Don't let me jive you, Daddy-o," said the Wabbit in a curious manner. He hunched his shoulders and thrust his front paws deep in his fur. "I was missing my adventures, that's all," he added apologetically and scuffed the street with a back paw. "I've been queuing here for a fortnight," said the Snail. "What's in there?" asked the Wabbit. "The Museum of Natural History." replied the Snail with a dismissive tone. "Oh," said the Wabbit and then he thought for some time. Finally he spoke. "Look, Mr Snail, we can see more natural history here in the street than in a stuffy building full of stuffed beings." "Perhaps I could slide along with you for a while," said the Snail. "You could do worse," said the Wabbit.

11. The Wabbit opens The Box

The Wabbit, Lapinette and Skratch assembled at the Museum of Antiquities and the Wabbit produced two ancient keys from his fur. Lapinette held the box and the Wabbit turned the first key once to the right, then the second key twice to the left. With a faint creak, the lid twirled twice to the right, once to the left and then folded neatly back. From his perch, Skratch could see a golden glow spread across the Wabbit's face, then Lapinette's. Suddenly, he started to tremble as he saw an object rise from the box. It was so bright that they all wanted to look away but they couldn't turn their eyes aside as a fabulous bejeweled Wabbit began to take shape. It became bigger and bigger, shining like the sun - then suddenly with a click, it settled back into the stonework. And for all the world, it looked as if it had always been there. The Wabbit spoke. "This is the Ancient Bejeweled Wabbit. It is said that it came from Wablantis, but no-one knows for sure. We do know it was stolen by the accursed Agents of Rabit." "Worth a bit," said Skratch who had recovered. "Here it shall safely remain," said the Wabbit firmly and grinned. "Doesn't that look a bit like you?" said Skratch to Lapinette, "over there on the frieze." "Whatever gave you that idea?" Lapinette retorted. "What would have happened if the keys were turned the wrong way?" asked Skratch. "Kaboom!" said the Wabbit.

10.The Wabbit throws a Gala Dinner

The Wabbit ordered carrot aperitivi and Skratch chose iced milk, laced with something from the bar. "What an adventure," said the Wabbit, "thank you Skratch for your burglarous ways and thank you for the helichopper, Lap." Skratch and Lapinette smiled broadly and said that it was nothing, nothing at all. If only they could do it every day. "What about the box?" asked Skratch. "Oh the box, yes the box," said the Wabbit mysteriously. "All will be revealed, but first we must enjoy ourselves and then I will show you what's in the box." Skratch looked peeved but Lapinette winked and nudged the Wabbit. "So lets begin," she said. ""Begin what?" said the Wabbit. "Enjoying ourselves," said Lapinette. "We will," said the Wabbit, "I hear music. May I ask you to dance, Contessa." "I believe I have first refusal," said Skratch. The Wabbit looked round. "Why don't we all dance Monster Mash?" And then with a sudden leap he hopped up and around and around. "A Graveyard Smash!" sang Skratch and joined him. Lapinette flashed her eyes and warbled, "I'll catch on in a flash!" She jumped up too and they all joined paws and danced in a circle. And they laughed and laughed and laughed.

9. The Wabbit Hits the Brakes!

"Brake!" shouted Skratch as the train sped faster and faster. "Hit the grippers!" he yelled. The Wabbit looked at the controls. "Lever, switch or button?" whispered the Wabbit through gritted teeth. His paws itched uncontrollably. "Now would be good," muttered Skratch and he crouched down as the the wind tore at his fur. "Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy," said the Wabbit, who seldom used a standard phrase if it could be altered. "Hurry up, we're going to die," screamed Skratch. "That's not how it ends," said the Wabbit. He took one long look at the most interesting lever and hopped back. Then with an astonishing combination of brute force and ignorance he swung his most powerful hind leg and it connected with a sickening thud. Nothing happened and the train continued its plunge. Skratch looked at the Wabbit. The Wabbit looked back, wrinkled his nose and held a paw to his ear. An apologetic "snick," from the lever was followed by an eerie silence. There was a groan, a whine and a crunch and then, with a sudden bang, a shower of sparks erupted from the wheels as the brakes gripped. Skratch and the Wabbit lurched forward and back as the train rolled mildly into the station and came to a halt with a wheeze, one single solitary centimetre from the buffers. "The secret of my success," said the Wabbit, "is never say die."