The Wabbit, sometimes at the Edge of the Galaxy

The Wabbit wasn't finished with his story and if he was bamboozled by Lapinette's knowledge, he had no intention of showing it. "I know where you're going with this and it isn't cut and fried," said the Wabbit. Lapinette dissolved into helpless mirth and nearly spilled her aperitivo. The Wabbit caught her glass and contnued. "The field carries a vortex which is the singularity of the curl of the carrot," he invented quickly. Lapinettte clapped her paws at this attempt. "That's mainstream physics. Tell me what happened next." Lapinette leant forward and gazed at the Wabbit. "The scene changed and the grass and the wabbits were gone. I looked down and noticed a Metro map." The Wabbit paused for effect and gazed back at Lapinette. "It was a 3-D picture map. But it wasn't quite right. The carrots and celery were there. But at the end of the line there was a planet and it was labelled Pluto." "Pluuuto!"squealed Lapinette in a high-pitched voice. "Pluto isn't a real planet, it's designated a dwarf." "That's very unfair, even if it is eccentric," said the Wabbit. "I decided to get back on the train until Pluto. "I hope you had your winter coat," said Lapinette. "And a book," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit, Cold Fusion and Curly Carrots

As the Wabbit continued his story about the space-time continuum, he got rather excited and his ears fluttered in a spectacular fashion. "The celery chunks eventually finished their song. Then they stopped dancing through the pyramid lattice and started to hum. The humming got louder and louder until it was deafening and quite painful to the ears." The Wabbit stopped and became contemplative. He fell silent for quite a long time until Lapinette broke the silence "What happened, what happened, what happened?" "The strangest thing," said the Wabbit. "The strangest thing I have ever seen. Suddenly there was a whoosh as the celery fused." The Wabbit paused, "... with what I do not know." "In Quantum Fusion the carrot lattice elements would be displaced" said Lapinette. "Sounds like the Fleischmann-Pons effect." "The whosit?" said the Wabbit. "Cold Fusion" said Lapinette. "Ah yes, that," said the Wabbit. "Well it might have been. The metro floor turned to grass and wabbits arrived to sample vegetables. "Were the carrots curly?" asked Lapinette. "They were," agreed the Wabbit. "That may explain everything," said Lapinette. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and his eyes grew bigger and bigger until they met in the middle.

The Wabbit and the Singing Celery

"How did you know there was a station called Risotto?" asked Lapinette, who was looking at her celery aperitivo with new found respect." "I didn't," said the Wabbit. It just jumped into my head. But the train drew into Risotto and the giant wabbit and I got off with the celery chunks in full voice. They quite drowned out the muzak." "Singing celery," giggled Lapinette "There's a market for that." The Wabbit gave Lapinette a warning glance and continued. "I led the way, although not by choice. At the top of the escalator, I saw a market stall. So I took up position by the vegetables and felt impelled to shout, "Carrots from Lazio. Just dug!"" "Just dug?" said Lapinette. "I kid you not," said the Wabbit. "Then, as the celery chunks drew close to the carrots, they assembled themselves into ornate spirals and danced.” "Fractal cosmology!" cried Lapinette. She clapped her paws in delight and demanded to know about the carrots. "Ah, I was getting to them." said the Wabbit." They gathered into a carrot pyramid lattices and then the celery chunks weaved in and out, singing." Lapinette smiled a knowledgeable smile. "Oh yes, fractal lattices. Now that might account for the noise you heard." The Wabbit nodded. "That's as may be, but they were singing "The Wabbit's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us." "Spooky," agreed Lapinette.

The Wabbit in an Alternative Transport Reality

Lapinette finished her aperitivo and caused the Wabbit to order two more. "I'm guessing that the train came eventually," she prompted. The Wabbit was anxious to continue. "Quite quickly as it happened. I followed the wabbit into the compartment and looked at the stations on the map but they were all different. So I spoke to him." "In backwards?" asked Lapinette. "No. At that point in forwards just seemed to work." said the Wabbbit. "I asked which station was Pozzo Strada and he said Carote. So then I asked what station we came from and he said Sedano." "So you got on at Celery to go to Carrots," said Lapinette, "then what?" "Then he took out a shopping bag full of celery chunks and said he needed carrot chunks to make a stock." "It was a food reality," said Lapinette. The Wabbit ignored this and moved on. "I was staring at the celery chunks and they started moving around. They jumped up and down and started demanding carrot chunks. They were rather vociferous." "A holographic food reality," said Lapinette. "That may be," said the Wabbit." "But my new friend got up and said "I'm here and not before time. The celery can get very, very angry."" "What did you do?" said Lapinette. The Wabbit adopted a serious expression. "I persuaded him to sit down and stay on until Risotto."

The Wabbit is dragged into the Wabbit Way

Lovely Lapinette and the Wabbit had finished their carrot curls and celery apéritifs were on the table. "Frame dragging," said Lapinette, enigmatically. "In theory you should have seen no difference." "Probably you haven't been inside a ticket machine," said the Wabbit and sipped his drink. "Anyway it wasn't for long. Suddenly I was on the escalator as normal. And everything did look much the same. Except that I could see a very large wabbit in front and he was surrounded by a kind of radioactive glow." "Green I suppose," said Lapinette, looking at her celery apéritif. "It was," said the Wabbit, "and so was I." "Did you follow the wabbit?" asked Lapinette. "Yes," replied the Wabbit. "I was in the grip of a strange force. So, not having a choice, I couldn't help but notice that the glowing wabbit hopped onto the platform, looked up at the indicator board then sat on a seat." "Nothing unusual then," said Lapinette. "Well, he did say something in a complaining voice," said the Wabbit. "What did he say?" Lapinette leaned forward with an interested expression. "That's just it. He said "Niaga etal" and stamped his back foot. "Late again," said Lapinette. "I certainly am not," said the Wabbit. "Late again, pronounced backwards," Lapinette explained patiently. "KO!" smiled the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Space Time Continuum

The Wabbit and Lapinette's food had arrrived and they set about their carrot curls with vigour. When Lapinette paused, the Wabbit asked "Shall I begin?" "Begin," she said. "I will," said the Wabbit. "I had to deliver a package to a wabbit at Pozzo Strada and I thought I would save my paws and take the Metro." "You're always saving your paws," said Lapinette. "Allow me to continue," said the Wabbit. "I made my way down the stairs and was going to hop through the barriers." "You just hop through?" said Lapinette. "I have a special pass," said the Wabbit. "There was no one around, which was unusual enough. And there was an eerie silence. I couldn't even hear the escalator. Everything was still and rather spooky. I made my way to the barriers and felt in my fur for my pass." "You keep your pass in your fur?" asked Lapinette with horror. "Doesn't everyone?" said the Wabbit. "But before I could pull it out, I felt a strange sensation as if my ears were curling upwards. I thought it was that draught the train makes when it's coming." "Your fur is standing on end," said Lapinette."Is it?" said the Wabbit. "It was the same sensation as I had at the Egyptian Museum. I looked at my feet and they seemed to be moving away from the ground. Then I saw my reflection. Starting with my ears, I was being steadily drawn through the narrow slot of the ticket machine ..."

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette Eat Out (Again)

"Shall we have the Menu del Giorno?" said the Wabbit. "Depends," said Lapinette. "What day is it?" "It's always a good day when I'm with you," said the Wabbit. "Flatterer," said Lapinette. "While we're waiting for the waiter to bring the menu, isn't it your turn to tell a story?" " A story?" said the Wabbit. "Well as it happens, I do have a story that will make your ears flap." "Ooh," said Lapinette, flappping her ears in anticipation. "I can hardly wait." The Wabbit grinnned. "Just give me a moment whilst I recall the main themes, subplots and functions of the principal characters." "Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette and kicked his leg. "Here comes the waiter," said the Wabbit and he ordered for them both. "Subito, Comandante," said the waiter and vanished into the cool of the air conditioned restaurant. The Wabbit looked at Lapinette and assumed a most serious expression. "I must first ask you if you believe in Time Travel." "I should never have let you see Donnie Darko," said Lapinette. "It is to do with Quantum Nonlocality," said the Wabbit. "Similar to, but not necessarily identical with an entangled quantum state?" said Lapinette. "More or less, in the case of the story I am about to relate," said the Wabbit. "I'm all ears," said Lapinette. "Here comes lunch."

The Wabbit in the Urban Wasteland

The Wabbit had arranged to meet Lapinette at a desolate spot on the edge of town with no-one else around. The heat from the bare earth scorched the Wabbit's paws as he looked around. He grinned as he watched Lapinette hop out of Turbina the Jet Car. She clowned around making a lot of growling noises. "Grrr pussy-cat, grrr pussy-cat," purred Lapinette. She waved her paws up and down, miming a big cat from the jungle. "Most amusing," said the Wabbit, pretending to be annoyed. Clearly the puma story had preceded him and he wondered how far it had spread. "Quite far," said Turbina who always seemed to know what the Wabbit was thinking. "Now don't be a spoilsport, tiger," said Lapinette. "What kind of adventure was that, would you say?" "It was rather formal narrative," said the Wabbit, "with a beginning, a middle and an end." "You really need to lighten up," said Lapinette. "Are you still angry with the forestry man?" "Not I," said the Wabbit, thinking of the report he would write. He rubbed his paws together and smiled a sinister smile with all of his 28 teeth. "Shall we dine out?" he ventured. "Not here," said Lapinette. "Unless you want a fried salad burger." "I'd rather go hungry." said the Wabbit. Then they both giggled and giggled until even Turbina joined in.

The Wabbit has an Ethical Dilemma

The Wabbit was surprised by the conclusion of events which he, the Wabbit, had put in motion. Various authorities had arrived for Skratch and the puma. But now the puma looked cramped and there was grumpiness and complaints about the work entailed. Sometimes the Wabbit despaired and it was one of these moments. He shook his head back and forth because he did not wish to hear about documentation concerning licensing, validations, approvals, consents, authorisations, endorsements, authentications, attestations, compliances or evidential proofs. Even less did he wish to hear about poor conditions of employment, annual leave, long working hours and a host of other iniquities allegedly suffered by agencies who were supposed to work in co-operation with the Wabbit's department. The Wabbit looked at Skratch and Skratch looked at the Wabbit. They shared annoyed glances and grimaces were exchanged. The Wabbit was tempted to loosen Skratch's restraints, turn the other way and propel the puma back to the undergrowth and freedom. So the Wabbit hopped forward. "Do not poke, prod or otherwise torment this fine puma or I will file a special report. It will create so much paperwork that you will have no time off until your retirement." Everyone went pale except the puma, who was naturally beige. Skratch shook the Wabbit's paw and stepped into the bus. "Be seeing you," said the Wabbit, winking.

The Wabbit makes an Arrest

The Wabbit was so furious that he employed his special powers. So seldom did he use them that he hardly noticed his giant leap to the top of the building. At once he sprang on Skratch and pinned him by the shoulder. "Ouch!" said Skratch."Let go!" "I arrest you under the laws and codes laid down by the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora," said the Wabbit at length. The Wabbit didn't really know the ins and outs of the legal position, but he knew he did not care. "I didn't know, it wasn't me," said Skratch. "The puma was already here when I arrived." "Species smuggling is forbidden," said the Wabbit. "You should be ashamed. That puma is a fellow feline." "I quite like him," said Skratch. "And you would sell him into servitude," said the Wabbit. "That's just not fair." "Perhaps we can come to an accommodation," said Skratch, who's arm was hurting. "I have some accommodation in mind for you," said the Wabbit and you may get time off for good behaviour." The Wabbit fished in his his fur for his communication device and when he found it, he indiscriminately pressed as many keys as he could find. "I'm calling this one in, Skratch. Perhaps Lapinette will find time to visit. I don't know why she has a soft spot for you." "Please don't tell her," said Skratch. "Perhaps we can come to an accommodation," smiled the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Curious Case of the Puma

The Wabbit found himself in the grounds of an old abandoned hospital and he hopped around the first building he came to. But what he saw pacing the grounds made him come to a sudden halt. A puma stood in the long grass. If the Wabbit knew his pumas, he knew one thing. They had unfortunate eating habits. So the Wabbit stayed upwind and out of the puma's stomach. He crouched in the shade of the building and watched as the puma strolled up and down. "Pumas seem to stroll a lot," thought the Wabbit. As long as the puma was strolling it wasn't eating. So the Wabbit hoped it continued to stroll and he stayed very calm and still. Then out the corner of his eye he saw that flash of red again and it came from high on the roof. "Skratch!" said the Wabbit quietly to himself. He had been so concerned with the puma that he had almost forgotten his adversary. There and then, in single moment of clarity, the Wabbit knew he knew everything. Well, almost everything - so he thought quickly. "The puma is a native of the Americas," he mused, "and he is endangered. This fellow should not be here." The Wabbit rather sympathised with the plight of the puma despite his tastes in food. "The Wabbit realised with horror that Skratch has moved from stealing silverware to smuggling. "And here the matter ends," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the River Wild

The Wabbit couldn't believe his eyes. When Skratch plunged into the swirling river he rubbed them both with his paws and looked again. He knew that Skratch hated water as much he hated birds and the water looked none too clean. Skratch headed against the current and the Wabbit hopped into the water and stayed close behind. The Wabbit was a strong swimmer. Like the marsh wabbits with whom he had carried out his training, his hind legs had slightly less fur and longer nails. So he punted along happily and with considerable stealth. "I think," thought the Wabbit, "that Skratch has an even more secret hideout which can be readily reached by water." It was easy to swim after Skratch since he splashed far too much and made a wheezing noise that was audible even above the sound of the rushing waters. Skratch disappeared round a bend but the the Wabbit knew exactly where he was because he could hear him making sounds like a deflating air mattress. The Wabbit watched as Skratch made his way up the river bank and followed him through the dense undergrowth onto a curious walled island full of strange dilapidated buildings.

The Wabbit and the Ruined House

The Wabbit raced around the building. His powerful rear legs punted him at an enormous speed and little white puffs of city dust trailed behind him. He could see something red near the side of the river so he screeched to a halt. His sharp eyes caught a feline flash near an old ruined house. "Just the sort of place that Skratch would hole up," thought the Wabbit colloquially. He adopted a slower and more cautious pace and quietly circled round the back. There were signs everywhere that said "Danger of Accident" and "Keep off", which the Wabbit duly ignored. He hopped onto what remained of the roof and peered through the ruined rafters. There, by a wall on the ground floor, was a collection of premium cat food tins, a comfortable basket, a state-of-the-art digital radio and a sack brimming with silver ornaments. The Wabbit made a soft whistling sound and chattered his teeth gently. "Skratch's lair, I'll be bound," he thought. "I'm going to flush him out." He stretched out a paw and taking a twig, he startled a bird in the rafters. The Wabbit figured Skratch would have an extreme reaction to wing-ed things and he was right. Skratch yowled loudly and chased after the bird, and the Wabbit carefully followed.

The Wabbit carries out Surveillance

The Wabbit followed the woman until she entered a narrow courtyard and went into a pet shop. "Aha! A pet shop, eh?" said the Wabbit enigmatically to himself. The Wabbit's briefing papers indicated that pet shops were sometimes used illicitly by the sinister agents of Rabit. No-one, far less the pet shop owners, knew of Rabit's clandestine activities. So the Wabbit hopped right up and onto the low roof. He looked up and down the street and watched all the people going in and out of the pet shop. The Wabbit counted them in and he counted them back out again. But of the sinister agents of Rabit, he could find no trace. The Wabbit began to think that on this occasion he would have to admit he had drawn a blank. There was simply nothing to report. Suddenly his wabbit instinct urged him to jump to the side. There was a resounding crash just where the Wabbit had been standing and a heavy object smashed to smithereens on the base of the pet shop sign. He looked up to the adjacent building to see from whence it came and caught a flash of red as Skratch the Cat Burglar disappeared across the rooftops. "Gotcha," said the Wabbit. "Skratch my friend. Your days of freedom are most certainly numbered."

The Wabbit takes the Tram across the Dora

The Wabbit had received special instructions to take the Number 9 tram to Corso Swizzera and to hop around the area. He had been warned it was rather industrial with a number of hideaways that were perfect for the Agents of Rabit. The Carabinieri had also been kind enough to advise him that Skratch the Cat Burglar had been recently released from custody. Apparently he was likely to have gone to ground in the same district. The Wabbit wondered whether Skratch had forged some kind of alliance with Rabit but resisted the thought. "If Skratch is anything, he is independent," thought the Wabbit. "He's probably casing a joint in order to relieve some poor person of their expensive and treasured diamonds." The Wabbit looked out of the tram window and it didn't seem possible. The tram had just passed across the River Dora and the Wabbit could see industrial units in every cranny. This was clearly not a diamonds place but one of yards and vehicles and shops selling tyres and pneumatic compressors. The Wabbit couldn't envisage Skratch using a pneumatic compressor unless it was to help drill through the door of a safe. "Oh, I suppose pneumatic compressors have got to come from somewhere," mused the Wabbit as he got off the tram. "That woman seems in quite a hurry. I'll go her way and see what's what." The Wabbit quickly loped across the tram lines in pursuit and hopped south towards the river.